Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #725, Privet Drive Revenge Tour (HBP Chapter 3, ‘Will and Won’t’)
Cold Open
Andrew: Micah, I think you would be pissed if somebody showed up at 11:00 p.m. I would too.
Micah: I’d be pissed if somebody showed up at 3:00 p.m.
[Everyone laughs]
Meg: Me too!
Andrew: Unannounced?
Eric: Micah hates people, you all.
[Andrew and Micah laugh]
Show Intro
[Show music plays]
Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into the world of Harry Potter. I’m Andrew.
Eric Scull: I’m Eric.
Micah Tannenbaum: And I’m Micah.
Andrew: And we’re your Harry Potter friends, talking about the books and the movies and the upcoming TV show, so make sure you press that follow button in your podcast app, and you’ll never miss a week with your Harry Potter friends. And this week, pull up an armchair and have a glass of Madam Rosmerta’s finest oak-matured mead, because Chapter by Chapter continues with Chapter 3 of Half-Blood Prince, “Will and Won’t.” That was a long one. And also helping us with today’s discussion is Meg! Welcome back to the show, Meg.
Meg Scott: Hello! Thank you.
Andrew: It’s a pleasure to have you here.
Meg: Happy to be back.
Andrew: You and Eric are wearing matching MuggleCast 15th Anniversary T-shirts. Looking good.
Meg: That’s right. We did not plan this, or at least I did not plan this.
Eric: This is not… yeah, we’ve reached the stage of coupling where we just wear the same thing, and…
Andrew: That’s adorable.
Eric: It’s cool. I’m okay with it.
Andrew: Yeah. I’m wearing my Harry Potter: Wizards Unite shirt. Everybody remember that? [laughs]
Eric: The one that you got at the live event in Indianapolis?
Andrew: That’s right, that’s right.
Eric: Wow.
Andrew: It still fits me, thank goodness. But the color is similar to your shirt, Eric and Meg.
Eric: Yeah, we got the blue memo.
Andrew: Yeah, we’re feeling blue today, and Micah is feeling Gryffindor red. That’s fine. He’s a Gryffindor at heart; we all know this.
Micah: Eh.
[Everyone laughs]
Andrew: Okay.
Micah: You tried. Well done.
Andrew: Well, listeners, if you love MuggleCast and want to help keep this show as clean as Aunt Petunia’s kitchen, we invite you to become a member of our community at Patreon.com/MuggleCast. And by supporting us, you can get instant access to two bonus episodes of MuggleCast every month, plus ad-free episodes, access to our livestreams, a personal video message from one of the MuggleCasters, a physical gift delivered by owl each year, and more. And speaking of physical gifts – Eric and I have them right now – the MuggleCast 20th Anniversary Yearbook. These all went out in the mail this week, so listeners who are Slug Club patrons and filled out the order form, keep a Mad-Eye out for the delivery.
Eric and Micah: Oooh.
Micah: And I heard a rumor… is it true we have the editor of the yearbook on the show this week?
Eric: Oh, yeah, the copy editor. Yes, yes.
Andrew: Meg copy edited.
Meg: Yeah, I… unless you find an error, then someone else copy edited that page.
Andrew: [laughs] Then it was Eric’s fault.
Eric: No, it is funny, and it is true. There are four typos, and I’m so sorry, everyone.
Andrew: Oh.
Micah: Are they all my name?
Andrew: Find all four typos, and we’ll send you a free month of Patreon.
Eric: We’ll send you $5 off at the merch store. Yes, absolutely.
Andrew: Well, thank you, Meg, for helping out with the yearbook.
Meg: You’re welcome. And it was great fun to do it, to read the entire story of MuggleCast, and I think it’s a superb 20th anniversary retrospective.
Andrew: It’s a one-of-a-kind item.
Eric: And the exciting thing is we’re still writing the story of MuggleCast by being here today.
Andrew: Aww. [laughs]
Eric: What will the next 20 years hold? We do not know.
Andrew: But more gifts for our patrons, that’s for sure.
Eric: That is for sure.
Andrew: So join our Patreon at Patreon.com/MuggleCast, and you can get next year’s gift. If you’re looking for other ways to support us, you can leave us a review in your favorite podcast app, you can tell a fellow Muggle about our show, and you can visit MuggleCastMerch.com to buy official gear. And a little update on the merch store: We just lowered prices on our overstock store, so visit MuggleCastMerch.com, click the overstock store link at the top, and grab something like maybe our “19 Years Later” T-shirt, or the – I almost showed off this shirt – but no, not this shirt, the shirt that Eric and Meg are both wearing tonight, the 15th Anniversary T-shirt.
Micah: Oh, come on, Andrew, sell that shirt.
Andrew: Buy the shirt off Andrew’s back.
[Eric laughs]
Micah: It’s a game-worn podcaster shirt. You podcast in it.
[Andrew laughs]
Micah: Sign it.
Andrew: My podcast sweat is all over it.
Eric: Yeah, don’t wash it before you put it in the mail.
Andrew: Oh…
Micah: Scent of Andrew.
[Andrew laughs]
Chapter by Chapter: Pensieve
Andrew: All right, well, without further ado, it’s time to get into Chapter by Chapter, and this week we’re discussing Half-Blood Prince Chapter 3, “Will and Won’t.”
Eric: Let’s head over to the MuggleCast Pensieve and explore the time we last spoke about this chapter, which was on Episode 380 of MuggleCast, titled “Privet Drive Payoff.”
Dumbledore: What you are looking at are memories. This is the most important memory I’ve collected. It is from MuggleCast Episode 380.
[Sound of memory uncorking]
[Sound of plunging into Pensieve]
Micah: Kreacher gets sent off to the Hogwarts kitchens, so that’ll be interesting, I’m sure, later on. But what I thought would have also been pretty funny… what if Harry said he had to stay with the Dursleys?
[Everyone laughs]
Eric: “Here, Aunt Petunia, you have a willing and helpful servant to help you clean things.” Man, Kreacher would just ruin that place. He would just completely destroy it.
Andrew: Then again, if Petunia was allowed to control Kreacher, maybe she would actually come to like him.
[Sound of exiting Pensieve]
Dumbledore: This memory is everything.
Andrew: That would be some bad vibes in that house, Kreacher and the Dursleys coexisting.
Eric: More than usual.
Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion
Micah: So much like the previous chapter, “Spinner’s End,” the title of this chapter, you could make the argument, has multiple meanings. Because I was just looking at it; I said, “‘Will and Won’t’? That’s pretty lazy.”
Andrew: Honestly, I don’t get this chapter title. I don’t like this at all. This was a lazy chapter title.
Eric: I was in the same boat until Meg explained it to me earlier in the week. Meg, would you take it away?
Meg: I feel like so many people don’t understand it, and it’s like, well, it’s about the reading of Sirius’s will, and you have Kreacher saying “won’t,” which is the opposite of the other definition of “will.” And yeah, it’s not the best chapter title, but it is kind of like, “Haha, I get it.”
Andrew: The wordplay is admirable, but it’s still just basic to me? Too simple.
Eric: Should we do an impromptu Rename the Chapter at the end of this discussion?
Andrew: At the end, maybe.
Micah: Well, what did we do last time we read this chapter? Did we have Rename the Chapter?
Eric: I’ll take a quick peek.
Meg: Yeah, go look it up.
Micah: We should take a look and read those.
Eric: Oh, we did do it. Micah, yours was “When Kreacher Met Petunia.”
[Micah laughs]
Andrew: Mine was “Deal With It!”
Eric: Yeah, yeah. And I did “Angry-dore.”
Andrew: Oooh, okay.
Eric: Yeah. Ours were actually probably no better.
Andrew: I like “Angry-dore.”
Eric: I like yours as well. “Deal With It.”
Andrew: Aww.
Eric: And Micah’s is deeply straightforward.
Micah: Well, it’s a play on When Harry Met Sally.
Eric: Yeah, yeah.
Micah: But anyway, Harry’s back.
Meg: Finally!
[Eric laughs]
Micah: This only took us two chapters to get here, but we finally are with Harry back on Privet Drive. He’s a little out of it, though. He’s not quite present, right, Eric?
Eric: He’s not quite conscious.
[Meg laughs]
Micah: He’s not quite conscious. Snoring a little bit.
Eric: It’s funny because there’s now this trend from Book 5 and Book 6, where the book opens on Harry, or the chapter that opens with Harry opens with Harry in a compromising position. Last year, if you remember, he’s in a flower bed. He’s hiding, trying to listen, eavesdrop onto the news to pick stuff up. It’s just Harry is in a hydrangea bush or whatever. Now he’s sitting in his bedroom, he is snoring loudly, and he had “fallen asleep with one side of his face pressed against the cold windowpane, his glasses askew and his mouth wide open.” This is a very undignified position for the Chosen One, our hero, Harry, to be found in. And I’ve got to say, I like it, because it reminds me of being 16 and not caring how I fell asleep or what I looked like to anybody.
Micah: He’s had a year, too! I mean, give him a break. He just got back from the Ministry where he was fighting with Death Eaters and Voldemort.
Eric: Yeah, I was going to give him crap about his dirty room, but you’re right, he’s probably been a little depressed lately.
Micah: He’s a teenager, too. Messy room.
Andrew: But I think these descriptions that we see more than once of Harry in the openings of these books is a very purposeful juxtaposition. This is one of the most important wizards of our time, and yet he’s just like us. He snores too. He hangs out in the flower bed, just like any other average witch or wizard might.
Meg: Well, and especially after the first two chapters of this book, which don’t feature Harry, just discussion of him.
Andrew: Yes.
Meg: Like Fudge showing up to tell the Muggle Prime Minister, “This boy, Harry Potter, has defeated the Dark Lord, so don’t worry about him.” And then Rufus Scrimgeour showing up and saying, “Yeah, we’re trying to get Harry Potter on our side.” And then it’s like, da-da-da! Here we finally meet him and he’s… sleeping on the window. Although, in the previous chapter, Snape did say something about Harry scarcely even belonging at Hogwarts, and it’s like, if Snape could see him now.
[Eric and Meg laugh]
Micah: What we do get at the very start of the chapter is a look at some of the headlines that are strewn around Harry’s room. There’s a bunch of newspaper clippings, and one of them mentions the new Minister for Magic, who we met just a couple of chapters ago in Rufus Scrimgeour, and he’s got a beef already with Dumbledore.
Eric: That was quick.
Micah: And it’s been about five minutes that good old Rufus has been Minister for Magic, and he’s already butting heads with Dumbledore. But Eric, there’s a reason why, right?
Eric: Yeah. I think this is… I think it’s pretty safe to suggest that – Meg mentioned this a moment earlier – but in Chapter 1 of this book, Fudge talked about Harry and how they’re trying to… or they have this idea to recruit him. This is a quote from Chapter 1, “The Other Minister”: “I’ve been writing to Dumbledore twice a day for the past fortnight, but he won’t budge. If he’d just been prepared to persuade the boy, I might still be…” And I take that to mean he wants to persuade the boy to basically be the face of the Ministry’s efforts to track Voldemort. It’s exactly the stuff that Scrimgeour eventually asks Harry to do when he comes to deliver the will and testament of Dumbledore at the beginning of the next book. So what’s interesting to me is Scrimgeour does not have a different idea. Scrimgeour wants the same thing; they want Harry to be their spokesperson. And it seems like from this point all the way to this time next year – all the way till next summer – they don’t get a better idea. There’s no better idea to save face.
Andrew: Yeah, it seems to me Dumbledore doesn’t have the patience right now for another new Minister entering the picture, and he especially doesn’t have the patience when it seems like it’s more of the same so far. He wants to take matters into his own hands. He doesn’t want Harry to be their pawn.
Eric: Right, and Harry, even if he was asked, wouldn’t do it.
Meg: Is it a little bit hypocritical of Dumbledore to be saying this when Dumbledore kind of uses Harry as a pawn? It’s almost like Dumbledore is saying to the Ministry, “No, Harry is my chess piece,” which… there is the care there between Dumbledore and Harry, and there’s not that between Harry and the Ministry, so there’s that difference, but…
Micah: Especially after how Dumbledore treated Harry all throughout Order of the Phoenix. And it’s worth noting that Harry is awaiting Dumbledore’s arrival this evening when we are in his bedroom, and he’s somewhat actually unsure as to whether or not Dumbledore is actually going to show up.
Andrew: And I think the difference between Dumbledore asking help of Harry versus the Ministry is that Dumbledore has a close relationship with Harry. Dumbledore isn’t looking to parade him out on stage and have him talk; they’re working behind the scenes.
Meg: Dumbledore also didn’t spend a year smearing Harry’s name.
Andrew: Right.
Eric: No, he spent a year ignoring Harry completely when he needed him the most.
Andrew: And Dumbledore has Harry’s best interests at heart as well. The Ministry does not.
Micah: Maybe.
Meg: For the most part.
Eric: At least, they believe that.
Andrew: You might be able to debate that, but more than the Ministry.
[Micah laughs]
Andrew: The Ministry cares less about Harry than Dumbledore does.
Eric: Yeah, that’s fair.
Micah: They’re looking for a figurehead. They’re looking for somebody for the wizarding world to really rally behind.
Eric: Well, right, and Scrimgeour is this accomplished Auror who got the role for very obvious, according to the Muggle Prime Minister, reasons. He’s a fighter. He’s the Head of Magical Law Enforcement, or the Auror Department at the Head of Magical Law Enforcement. So I feel like this guy surely could come up with some level of something in the absence of Harry’s participation. But something that we see from Scrimgeour is, I think, just a fundamental inability to actually deal with this kind of thing. I mean, Scrimgeour, unfortunately, is killed shortly after he meets with Harry next year, and he wasn’t able to prevent a full-on Death Eater takeover of the Ministry or anything. In fact, he probably just slowed Voldemort slightly. And so it’s a shame, because what appears to be a very competent Minister for Magic, and an accomplished Dark wizard fighter/catcher/whatever, does not necessarily make a good politician, or somebody who’s going to be able to really actually meet the moment, unfortunately. So I don’t think things would have changed much if Dumbledore had allowed Harry to be the spokesperson, and if Harry had said yes, then I still don’t think things would have changed for the Ministry, unfortunately. And in fact, they would have tried less hard to actually warn the wizarding public and do their real jobs if they had Harry backing them.
Micah: Goes beyond that, though, because I think they want insight into how to go about destroying Voldemort, and Dumbledore is not about to share that information with them.
Eric: I think that’s right, too.
Micah: So that’s a big piece of this. But I also think that Scrimgeour got put into a situation that is just too big for him to handle in this particular moment. He’s stepping into an impossible situation, and he’s probably trying to tie up as many loose ends as he can, and he figures, “Okay, well, if Fudge couldn’t get Dumbledore to budge on Harry, maybe I can,” but it’s clear that doesn’t work either. And there’s plenty of other things that he needs to put his attention towards.
Eric: Yeah. Look, that’s fair. I think it’s safe to say that the situation that Scrimgeour inherited now is based on and due to, 100%, Fudge’s 16 years of incompetent reign and not actually preparing for Voldemort’s return in any way, shape, or form.
Meg: It might also have something to do with just the nature that it takes to be a politician. The type of person who would be saying, “No, let’s not get this teenage boy involved here; let’s let him live his life,” is maybe not the same type of person who would say, “Yes, I will be the new Minister for Magic.”
Eric: That makes a lot of sense. Because it’s very transactional. Politics is transactional; it’s like, “What does this side want? What does this side want? What do we need? What would be good for the public?” That kind of just different skillset.
Micah: Speaking of the Ministry, one of the pieces of information that we get that is on Harry’s floor is “Protecting Your Home and Family Against the Dark Forces,” and this is a list of to-do’s, basically. And I’m wondering what do we make of this guidance to the wizarding community to protect them from Death Eaters?
Andrew: It’s really scary, and obviously too little too late. I mean, two of the things that they lead off with: first of all, “Don’t leave the house alone,” and then “Don’t be outside after dark”? I mean, this is a terrifying situation to be in, based on those alone. And I would think the wizarding population is pissed that their government let things get this bad where they can’t even live their everyday lives at this point without worrying about a Death Eater or Dementor or…
Eric: Right, all of a sudden, not only is he back, but it’s bad immediately. All the wizarding clubs are closed…
Andrew: Yeah. “Oh, it’s real, and it’s been happening, and maybe we should have sent you these guidelines sooner, actually, because bad stuff has been happening for a while.”
Eric: Yeah. I mean, the second best time for them to send this is now, but the first was literally anytime before this. I do think, though, it’s good they did something. I don’t find fault with any of the tips, particularly, and especially the first one, for instance, which is terrifying to read. “Don’t go alone anywhere” is ultimately good advice. The buddy system, right? So no matter who, if somebody’s looking to attack you, then they’re facing two wizards instead of one. That seems like sound advice. And unfortunately, the Ministry is having to play catch up, because the Minister wouldn’t allow the possibility to acknowledge Voldemort’s existence sooner. So it’s going to seem like a lot at first, because they’re trying to cover lost ground.
Micah: Right. And I would even say, scarier than those first two is “Have security questions for the people who are closest to you, just in case they’re taking Polyjuice Potion.” Or “Hey, if your family member or friend is acting a little weird, you may want to check and make sure they’re not under the Imperius Curse,” right?
Andrew: Right.
Eric: Maybe they’re just under high stress because Voldemort is back! [laughs]
Andrew: Well, yeah. I mean, but that’s a great point, too, Micah, because you can’t even trust the people closest to you, is what the Ministry is saying.
Meg: These tips do kind of go from 0 to 100. By the end, it’s like, “By the way, there might be zombies. Look out.”
[Andrew laughs]
Eric: Oh, yeah! You know what? Yeah, during the discussion of this, I think I’ve seen the other side of what you guys are talking about. Reading this would be actually really terrifying to see for the first time, because all these possibilities that you wouldn’t necessarily be thinking about are covered.
Andrew: Wait, wait, I’m realizing something. We sent a memo earlier this week saying the panel must be wearing blue today, and Micah is the only one wearing red. Micah, are you a Death Eater?! Are you a Death Eater?!
Micah: Do you see the little blue line there?
Andrew: He’s a Death Eater. Eject. Eject from the conference call. [laughs]
Micah: All right, enjoy the rest of the episode, everybody. I’m out.
Eric: This reminds me of when we played the Harry Potter trivia game, which is a bonus on the Patreon.
Meg: Oh, yeah.
Eric: There was a secret Dark Mark tattoo, I think, that Micah was wearing.
[Andrew laughs]
Micah: Oh, that’s right. I still have it.
Meg: Micah was acting shady that entire game, and then that big reveal.
[Eric laughs]
Micah: I don’t know what you mean, “fake tattoo.” That thing is still there. But one interesting thing I found when doing a little bit of prep for this chapter was I came across somebody who talked about how the Ministry’s guidelines are, in fact, unclear, and they do more to incite fear than to ensure safety, and giving the timing of Half-Blood Prince, that Rowling’s portrayal of a paranoid and fear-driven government may actually reflect her perspective of the US and UK governments and what they did following the events of 9/11. And I’m curious: Any thoughts there?
Eric: It’s possible. I was 13 for 9/11, but one area that I think I’d like to read about more or experience is that kind of, “What’s going to happen?” Our nation was under attack, and the response in many cases can be as terrifying as the initial incident, plunging the US into the war. So I think it’s certainly possible that these were the themes that the author was pulling from.
Micah: And just to kind of wrap up this section, I do think it’s nice that Fudge mentioned these guidelines back in the first chapter, and we already get the payoff for them in this chapter, and we get to actually see what they are. So he’s not just all talk; the Ministry did actually send out leaflets to the wizarding community.
Eric: Yeah. I mean, it wasn’t Fudge that did this…
Andrew: See? That’s a man you can count on.
[Everyone laughs]
Micah: Well, speaking of a man you can’t count on, Dumbledore.
Eric: Oh.
Micah: We were talking a little bit about this earlier; Harry just is unsure whether or not Dumbledore is going to be showing up. He had written Harry saying that he would call on him at 11 o’clock, which we’re going to talk about in a little bit, because my man’s showing up way too late. [laughs] I get the whole under the cover of darkness thing, but you know what? I know you don’t like the Dursleys; be a little respectful showing up at their doorstep at 11 o’clock at night.
[Andrew laughs]
Eric: But wait a minute, Dumbledore is completely disregarding the Ministry’s guidelines of “Don’t go anywhere alone at night”!
Micah: I think if anybody could go alone, it’s him.
Eric: Yeah, yeah.
Andrew: I also think he’s going to be the last person to listen to the Ministry when the Ministry wasn’t listening to him. But maybe he also wanted to catch the Dursleys off guard by showing up so late, because as we see before long, he starts really verbally taking them down, and by showing up late, they’re going to be even more unprepared than they may have been earlier in the day.
Meg: But what if they’d been asleep?
Micah: That’s a great question.
Andrew: Well, should we just get to that? Let’s just address this now. So first of all, I just want to say, Micah, I think you would be pissed if somebody showed up at 11:00 p.m. I would too.
Micah: I’d be pissed if somebody showed up at 3:00 p.m.
[Everyone laughs]
Meg: Me too!
Andrew: Unannounced?
Eric: Micah hates people, you all.
[Andrew and Micah laugh]
Andrew: No, this was kind of unbelievable to me that he would show up so late. I don’t really actually get the logic behind it. And I think maybe as kids, when we were reading this for the first time, it may have went over our heads; we may have been staying up late anyway.
Eric: Didn’t cross my mind at all.
Andrew: But now? Andrew’s in bed by 9:30/10:00.
[Eric laughs]
Andrew: He’s reading in bed by 8:30 and then hopefully asleep by 9:30, so if Dumbledore showed up at 11:00 p.m., I’d be like, “I did not issue a booty call, so what are you doing here?” [laughs]
Eric: Yeah, if you’re showing up at 11:00, you’re waiting on the porch until 6:30 or 7:00 the next morning.
Andrew: Right, yeah.
Micah: Let’s talk about Dudley too. What is Dudley doing up at 11:00 p.m. on a Thursday night?
Eric: Well, Dudley is the one that it makes sense for, because again, as a teenager, I was always up.
Meg: Yeah, if I were a teenager… my parents would be asleep, though.
Micah: It’s the summertime, right? Okay, I can give him a hall pass.
Eric: Yeah, maybe Dudley works for a website where he contributes news content.
[Andrew laughs]
Eric: That’s what I was doing.
Andrew: DudleyNet.com. I think, Micah, you bring up a good point about Dudley, because we already know that the Dursleys seriously neglect him, so for him to be staying up so late would also track with their neglect, as Dumbledore brings up.
Micah: We also have Aunt Petunia, who is deep cleaning the kitchen at that time, so she’s definitely…
Andrew: [laughs] What is this?
Eric: Perfect timing.
Meg: I mean, that’s when Eric and I deep clean our apartment.
Andrew: Really?
Micah: Clearly a happy marriage.
Meg: It’s usually midnight.
Eric: Well, that’s actually true. But yeah, the nightly ritual of one final finishing deep clean of the apartment, or of the house.
Micah: Let’s go back to Dumbledore’s arrival and Harry’s doubt that this is going to happen, and I wanted to know from the group, do we think that this doubt really stems from how he was treated in Order of the Phoenix?
Andrew: Yes, but it also just feels too good to be true for Harry, that Dumbledore would be bailing him out of the Dursleys’ home earlier than expected? And he gets to go to the Burrow? And then to build on that, Dumbledore is paying attention to him after what happened in Order of the Phoenix. [laughs]
Eric: You know, this is probably exactly the same imposter behavior that the Ministry is warning about. Probably somebody that’s not Dumbledore is catfishing Harry right now.
Andrew: Yeah. Well, and Harry is concerned about that, which is totally valid, given the current state of affairs. But Dumbledore is not just sending him a letter; Dumbledore is also making a personal visit. Now, he’s going to be bringing him along to visit Slughorn, so it’s not totally selfless, but Harry doesn’t know that yet, and I can see why he’s so excited and can’t believe this is real.
Meg: I think it really comes down to that one line about… Harry is like, “He could not face packing his trunk, being let down, and then having to unpack it again.” I think that is the key sentence for all of this. It’s not just that he’s been let down by Dumbledore in the past; it’s he’s constantly been let down when he’s with the Dursleys, and it would be terrible to get his hopes up and then to realize, “No, they’re dashed. I am still here.”
Micah: Andrew, you made me think of something that I hadn’t even considered, that this could have been a ploy; this could have been a fake-out, and no security questions were asked between Harry and Dumbledore.
Andrew: Yeah. Well, give Harry credit, too, because he raises this in his mind. He’s like, “Maybe this is a trick,” and after what happened in Order of the Phoenix, I can see why he would be so darn concerned. I wanted to ask everybody if they could tie Harry’s experience here with the doubt that something too good to be true is going to happen with real life experiences that we’ve had. I’m a last minute planner anyway, so I would be delaying the packing. But one way this scene resonates with me is I simply cannot believe sometimes that I’m going to be going on a unique trip. Like, “I can’t believe I’m about to go over to England. I can’t believe I’m about to do a cross country road trip. I can’t believe later this month I’m going to Florida. My nephews are going to experience Disney World for the first time.”
Micah: Uncle Andrew.
Andrew: It’s just too good to be true! Yeah, it’s just so exciting, so… [laughs] And now for a dark turn: I have convinced myself in previous occasions that there is literally no way I’m going to be experiencing these cool things, and I’m going to die beforehand.
Eric: No.
Andrew: Sorry, it’s just a weird thought that goes through my mind. It’s been proven wrong every time, for now.
Eric: Well, keep it up.
[Andrew laughs]
Eric: Yeah, I feel like…
Micah: Undefeated.
[Andrew and Meg laugh]
Eric: So does that thought paralyze you then, Andrew? Where you’re like, “Oh, I can’t allow myself to get excited for this, because it probably won’t happen”?
Andrew: Kind of, yeah. That’s not good, is it? I can’t let it paralyze me.
Eric: No. But I’m sure eventually you realize it is happening.
Andrew: Right.
Eric: And then you feel excitement?
Andrew: Yeah, definitely.
Eric: Yeah, I really sympathize with Harry here, the line that Meg was talking about, where it’s like, “Oh, if it turned out to be ruse or something, it would break him.” So he can’t allow it to think… the one time I can think of about, like, “This is too good to be true,” I won Bruce Springsteen tickets off of the…
[Andrew laughs]
Eric: No, really.
Andrew: I believe you!
Eric: This really happened; it’s not a joke. On the radio, actual concert tickets won on the radio. This has only happened to me, I think, once, and it was the first time I saw Bruce at Wrigley Field in Chicago.
Andrew: Oh, cool.
Eric: And it was a three-hour concert, and it was totally insane. But you call the number; you have to be caller number a specific thing…
Andrew: Right.
Eric: … and every time you call, it goes straight to voicemail, or like, “Call not completed” kind of thing. The idea after the 47th or whatever time dialing the phone that instead of, “Da-da-da,” cancel out, it rings, and it’s like this old-timey echoey ring, and you’re like, “Who did I…? Did I end up accidentally calling some machine?” And then they pick up, and it’s like, “It’s WLS! How’s it going? You’re on the air,” and it’s like, “Oh!”
Andrew: Yeah, because that idea is so unlikely that you’ll actually win that you can’t even process that it’s real.
Eric: Yeah, statistically.
Meg: My connection is not exactly the same, but throughout high school, I kind of just had this… we keep going dark here, but I kind of had this idea that my life would just end after high school. Not in a really dark, fatal way, but just I thought someone else would take over after that. And so I kind of applied to colleges with the idea, “But I’m not going to be the one going to college; someone else is going to do that.” And then all of a sudden it was the night before I was going to be hitching my truck to the wagon and headed up there, and it was like, “Oh my God, wait. There is no understudy. I have to do this.”
[Micah laughs]
Meg: And it was this moment of like, “Wait, I didn’t think this was actually going to happen, and now I have to pack?” And there were a few nights the night before college when I was packing at 3:00 a.m. because I kind of had not really absorbed the feeling yet that it was real, that it was going to happen. So this reminded me of that a little bit.
Eric: I like that a lot.
Micah: Nice. Andrew, I very much… I’m in alignment with you, I think, on travel in particular. I always would get this sense of wonder when I would travel to a new state, and in particular when I would see the license plate from that state after landing in the airport.
[Andrew laughs]
Eric: “I’m really here.”
Micah: Yeah, or you mentioned London; like, “Oh, I’m in London,” and I walk out of the airport, or I get into the taxi or Uber, and it’s like, “I’m on the wrong side of the road!”
Andrew: You go, [in an English accent] “‘Ello!”
Micah: You’re actually there. And it’s like you build up so much anticipation to it, and then you get on the flight, and then six/seven hours later, you’re there, and it’s like your mind almost can’t even process it.
Andrew: Yeah, because it still blows my mind how amazing air travel is, that you can fly six/seven hours and then be in a totally different part of the world. To your point, Micah, about travel, I remember the first time I went to Hawaii; it was surreal going to Hawaii, then loading up Google Maps, and just zooming out and out and out, and it’s like, “Holy crap, I’m in the middle of nowhere in the Pacific Ocean.” [laughs]
Eric: “I’m on an island!”
Andrew: Yeah. We went to Hawaii a couple of months ago; I told Pat to do that, to have the same experience that I felt, because it’s surreal. Travel is surreal sometimes.
Meg: Did he love it?
Andrew: Oh, yeah. We had a great time.
Meg: No, I mean the zooming out.
Andrew: Oh.
[Everyone laughs]
Andrew: Yes, that too.
Eric: We don’t care about the whole trip!
[Andrew laughs]
Meg: Did he have the moment of, “Oh my God, I’m in the middle of nowhere!”
Andrew: Thank you, Google Maps.
Micah: So Dumbledore does, in fact, arrive at Privet Drive, and one thing that Harry notices upon his arrival is his hand. But Dumbledore is like, “Harry, no. Another time. We have business here with your aunt and uncle.”
Meg: Is this a Dumbledore lie? Because he never actually addresses it.
Eric: Oh, are we doing the…? Are you asking because we’re going to do the Dumbledore Lie Count?
Meg: I’m wondering if we should.
Eric: I think this is a situation where Dumbledore would have no problem really telling the truth, so I’m going to count it as not a lie.
Micah: Just under the right circumstances? Is that what you’re saying?
Eric: It never really comes up. If Harry were to bombard him with asking the question… but the lessons become so important throughout the year that it just never really… just not the right timing. As we read the book, I’ll remember, but I don’t think it’s being intentionally hidden from…
Meg: I don’t know that he ever intends to actually tell Harry face-to-face about it, but I think he does intend for Harry to know about it. I think when he’s saying, “Later, Harry,” it’s with the idea of “Someday Harry will get those memories from Snape, and then he’ll know. Then he’ll know.”
[Andrew and Eric laugh]
Micah: And speaking of Snape, Snape makes a indirect reference to Dumbledore’s hand in “Spinner’s End,” when… I think he says something along the lines of, “He’s not as quick as he used to be.”
Eric: Yeah, his reflexes aren’t what they used to… yeah, that’s a good catch, and it shows… already we’ve mentioned a ton of inner chapter references to other things that have been referenced in the… we’re only three chapters into this book. I think what it speaks to is the tightness of this book. This book has internal consistency; it’s a lot shorter than the previous book, and it’s just zippy. I think Half-Blood Prince is my second favorite book behind Prisoner, and I think that what I love about it is coming off of a very long sort of morbid or depressing Book 5, you get a lot of this fun, and a lot of this setup and payoff connecting the threads type moments really early on, and I just think Book 6 is really tightly written, and these are some of the ways in which it is.
Micah: Well, Dumbledore, upon his arrival, is not very welcomed in by Vernon Dursley, [laughs] and it becomes apparent that Harry forgot to tell the Dursleys that Dumbledore was going to be calling on him at 11:00 p.m. on a Thursday night. And I was wondering, what if Harry had told the Dursleys that Dumbledore was going to be showing up? Would he have been received any differently?
Andrew: So I think they would have tried to block it somehow. They would have headed back to the shack on the little rock island…
[Eric laughs]
Andrew: … or they would have went to a hotel for the night, or Vernon would have made sure he had his gun on standby. He would have done something differently, I think, had he had a heads-up.
Meg: They would have been just as rude; the only thing I can think of is they would be just a little less speechless.
Andrew: Yes, Vernon would have some quips ready to go to attack Dumbledore.
Meg: He would be ready. He would have seven to ten quips planned.
Eric: I think that Harry… much as believing it or not is now explained away or understandable, the not mentioning the possibility to the Dursleys – not even out of malice, just it didn’t cross Harry’s mind to do that – is a character flaw of Harry’s. I think that it doesn’t set anyone up for a good experience, even if a good experience is impossible because of who’s coming to Privet Drive, and why and what they need to do. Okay, but Harry does no favors, and I think if I didn’t have a revenge kick against Dumbledore for his treatment of Harry, I’d feel a little bit worse for Dumbledore showing up. He wrote Harry a letter a week ago, and Harry didn’t even tell his aunt and uncle who’s coming. But then again, Dumbledore could have written to the Dursleys, too.
Micah: He has corresponded with them before, as we’re going to talk about. Well, Dumbledore is invited into the Dursley home.
[Andrew laughs]
Meg: He invites himself in.
Micah: Yeah, he more or less makes himself comfortable, and he’s really the one who observes all the niceties, because it is very hard for Petunia and Vernon in particular to even believe that this man was just standing on their doorstep and is now in their living room. [laughs] So one thing I wanted to call attention to was that as Dumbledore is going through and greeting everybody, when he gets to Petunia, he says, “And of course, we have corresponded before,” and we’re led to believe, of course, that this is the Howler that Petunia received, the “Remember my last,” but this is a little bit of a misdirect. And obviously we wouldn’t know this unless we had read Deathly Hallows, but Petunia had written to Dumbledore some time ago.
Andrew: Yeah, about going to Hogwarts.
Eric: Back when she was living near Spinner’s End.
Andrew: And at the end of this chapter, Petunia is described as being “oddly flushed” after Dumbledore depantses them. So I’m wondering if she is remembering…
Micah: Love how you used my terminology now.
[Andrew laughs]
Micah: I’m slowly wearing off on Andrew.
Andrew: I like that. I like that word. I’m wondering if she’s remembering that previous correspondence that you’re referring to, Micah, that we end up learning about in Deathly Hallows, because this is kind of… to see Dumbledore, I think, could be a bit of a triggering or traumatizing moment for her. She wanted to move on from this.
Eric: Yeah, I mean, when you’re… she’s probably, in some way, regressed back to being that 10-year-old and saying, “Can’t I, oh, can’t I come to Hogwarts?” and having this grown adult say, “Sorry, no.” To then have that same adult 40 years later barge into your home and tell you what he thinks about your hospitality…
Meg: While using magic in your home. Like, “Look what you can’t do.”
Eric: That one thing that you… is a sore spot. Yeah, that’s exactly right, Meg.
Meg: Something that feels weird to read is when Dumbledore is like, “Ah, you must be Vernon, and you must be Dudley,” and you’re like, “Oh my God, Dumbledore doesn’t know what these people look like?” He’s really been so…
Micah: Oh, he knows.
Meg: But the way he has never introduced himself to these people before, and you start realizing, “Wow, Dumbledore has actually been very, very hands off.” For the role that Dumbledore had with putting Harry with the Dursleys, he really just kind of did that and then was like, “Work done.”
Eric: Yeah, you would think that he would need more control than that, too, that he would exercise more control for Harry and for himself.
Andrew: I think he’s just being a gentleman by saying… it’s kind of pleasantries, like, “You must be Vernon, you must be Petunia, nice to meet you,” that type of thing.
Micah: Yeah, but there’s an edge of sarcasm beneath all of it, I think.
Andrew: You think so? Yeah.
Micah: I mean, yeah, this is the Privet Drive revenge tour, right?
[Andrew laughs]
Micah: This is an opportunity for Dumbledore to step foot in Privet Drive, and I think probably for himself, even more so than Harry – at least for this very brief period of time – rectify what’s been done over the last almost 16 years of Harry’s life.
Eric: Well, I think he’s convinced himself that he cares for Harry, even though what he’s doing is oftentimes either wrong, harmful, or manipulative of Harry. Because he takes the Dursleys to task for it, like you’re saying; he tells them how much they’ve abused not only their own kid, but also Harry. He’s like… what does he say? “I’d hoped that you would have taken Harry, really, in as like a son, and it’s very clear you haven’t done any of that.” But Dumbledore, to your point of the Dursleys not ever having been formally introduced to him in the past, shows how hands off he’s been, shows that Dumbledore really hasn’t largely cared for Harry in a way that matters, right? And that would have made any of this easier for any of the people in this chapter. This is his first time being more hands on, because he needs Harry for this thing with Slughorn.
Micah: But this is the real opportunity, though, for Dumbledore to come face to face with the Dursleys and to give them their comeuppance. We don’t obviously get Dumbledore in the first half of Deathly Hallows, and we don’t really get the Dursleys either, right? Because it’s only a very brief period of time that they get to even spend within their own home. So this is really like the last big meeting taking place here at Privet Drive.
Andrew: Not in the movie, by the way. And they’d better Max this, because this is an excellent scene for Dumbledore.
[“Max that” sound effect plays]
Micah: Oh, yeah. It shows him in very rare form, and I think, too…
Eric: He is sinister.
Micah: Irvin mentioned this last week – and I was thinking about it as I was reading the chapter – that Dumbledore, in many ways, behaves similar to how Snape behaves towards Bellatrix in “Spinner’s End.” There’s a lot of similarities here, just with the sass that he throws out there with knocking them over into the couch so that they sit down, clanking the glasses of mead on their foreheads, and choosing just to completely ignore the fact that he’s abusing them physically.
[Andrew and Micah laugh]
Eric: There’s a lot of condescension. I mean, the couch bit, where it pushes it forward, is very Simpsons for me; I’ll never not think of the Simpsons intro where the couch is always doing something crazy. But there’s condescension, there’s derision, there’s sass… it’s clear that he has absolutely no respect for them, but he’s there to… he’s the authority figure always, right? It’s not a very respectful encounter, and actually reminds me of what we were talking about in Chapter 1 discussion, which is that wizards have a very high opinion of themselves, and this could be more of just the superiority complex in general. Dumbledore often credits his own intelligence; even when talking to Harry, he’s like, “If I do say so, I’m smarter than your average wizard.” But in addition to that, he doesn’t think the Dursleys are really worth his time, and this kind of behavior goes further to show that.
Micah: That’s why I said I really think part of this is performative for Harry.
Eric: Yes.
Micah: The fact that somebody like Dumbledore can show up and make the Dursleys as uncomfortable as they are in this moment in their own home. It’s not the same as Goblet of Fire when Arthur shows up, right? Because Vernon feels he probably can at least match Arthur. But it’s even mentioned that Vernon finds Dumbledore – or at least, it seems Harry’s perception – to be intimidating. Vernon is not going to you-know-what around with Dumbledore.
Eric: No, yeah, he’s really not. But it’s so interesting because, again, Dumbledore’s attempt here to get kind of… it’s a very juvenile attempt to get on Harry’s good side by bullying his aunt and uncle. I think that Dumbledore thinks that doing this is going to ingratiate Harry to helping him on his quest, because Dumbledore is all about recruiting Horace Slughorn to come back to Hogwarts. That’s a big chess piece that he needs, because he needs the Horcrux memory to prove his own theory. So everything… this whole “I’ll pick Harry up at Privet Drive”; yeah, he’s taking him to the Burrow, that’s great for Harry, but this is all about using Harry, and I think that Dumbledore has calculated the odds of success being bigger if he makes Harry like him more, and so that’s why he shows up with this attitude. Because especially following Book 5 and everything that’s just happened with Sirius, where Harry is wrecking his office, I feel like things are still probably at an all time discomfort between Harry and Dumbledore. So when Dumbledore shows up, he does all this crap – he tells the Dursleys that they’re not being polite – it’s so that Dumbledore can curry Harry’s favor.
Meg: And he succeeds!
Andrew: Yeah, I was going to say that too.
Meg: Yeah, the next chapter starts with Harry being like, “Oh boy, I’m going on an adventure with Dumbledore!” And I think if Harry could… or even if the Dursleys could somehow be omniscient. When Dumbledore is saying, “You have abused this boy, you have not taken care of him in the way that I asked you to,” if Vernon had somehow been able to say, “Okay, and you’re planning for him to die, so which of us is the worst actually?” But I do think part of is also that it’s making Dumbledore feel a little better about himself and the role that he has played – or not played – in Harry with the Dursleys.
Micah: Exactly. So let’s talk about that a little bit. Why do we think Dumbledore waited so long to confront the Dursleys about their treatment of Harry? Because he’s aware that this has been going on ever since Harry has lived there.
Andrew: I don’t have a good excuse for this, but I think that he is mad at himself and the situation, and he’s mad that the only family he could leave Harry with were these abusive losers. And he hoped they would do better, but they didn’t, and so the depantsing happens here. I wish Dumbledore said something sooner, but maybe he also believed that they were never going to change, no matter what he said to them? And he’s probably not wrong.
Eric: Look, McGonagall warns him in Chapter 1 of Book 1.
Meg: I was just thinking that.
Andrew: “This family?” [laughs]
Meg: “The worst kind of Muggles. What are you doing?”
Eric: Yeah, she watched them for one day, and was like, “Absolutely not. This is not going to work. I’ll defer to you, Albus, but these people are awful.” But I think it makes sense. This being the first time and the last time Dumbledore interacts with the Dursleys makes sense, because more than anything, the level of protection that we know causes Voldemort to fail to catch Harry sooner is this Privet Drive magic with the blood magic with Petunia, and so because Dumbledore needed more than anything for that to be the magic that works, that protects Harry, he was willing to place Harry with these jerks. But his appearance on Privet Drive now, where he condescends and abuses them and tells them they haven’t been good to Harry, is couched with the fact that he says Harry needs to come back just once more. And so the Dursleys, who would be more than happy to be rid of Harry, are lulled into a sense of, “Oh, that doesn’t sound so bad, if our nephew only has to come back once more.”
Micah: Well, and they thought it was twice, so they’re getting a bargain.
[Andrew and Meg laugh]
Eric: Yeah, he comes of age a whole year early, everybody! But yeah, I think that if Dumbledore had this conversation with them in year three, they still would have had to put up with, I think, all of their sins with Harry for four more years, and I don’t think that would have flown. I think Dumbledore senses that this is a sensitive topic, so he’s going to pull out all the stops and really come at them, but be like, “Just FYI, he does need to come back once more.”
Andrew: Go at them hard when they only have one more opportunity in the future to treat him badly.
Eric: That’s it.
Micah: And not only come at them about Harry, but come at them about Dudley, too, which I don’t… do we feel like that crosses a line a bit? Who is Dumbledore to comment on the parenting of Petunia and Vernon towards Dudley? I know we all sit here and judge, but it’s up to them, ultimately.
Andrew: Dudley doesn’t deserve this; it’s not Dudley’s fault. But given how Vernon and Petunia have treated Harry, I can see why he’s motivated to criticize their parenting skills in general, whether it’s Harry, whether it’s Dudley.
Eric: Ultimately, Dumbledore has a protectiveness around Harry. You see it come out when he talks about Harry in this manner to the Dursleys; Dumbledore does feel protective of Harry, and that’s why he’s able to tell the Dursleys, “You did a bad job.” But I do think it crosses the line because he doesn’t know Dudley; he hasn’t been watching at the window pane Dudley’s whole life, and so any judgment that he has just made about Dudley just happened and is superficial, by definition.
Meg: I think it is undeserved for Dudley, but I think that this scene is really huge in Dudley’s characterization in Book 7. I think Dudley saying to Harry, “I don’t think you’re a waste of space,” is in some way… there’s a huge difference between Dudley in Book 5, when he’s the bully with his posse, and Dudley in Book 7, where he’s saying, “I don’t think you’re a waste of space” to Harry and trying to give him a teacup as a peace offering, and I think that this scene does have a lot to do with it. I think Dudley seeing his parents get chastised by this wizard who comes in and is rude to them and kind of makes fun of them, but ultimately, doesn’t do any physical harm, I think it sets up Dudley for a year of reflecting on this, and like, “Have I been mistreated? When was I mistreated? And who was this old man coming to…”
Micah: “Santa!”
Meg: [laughs] “… coming to stand up for my weird cousin? And why would he do that?” And I think that was fundamental for Dudley’s character development, to witness his parents being spoken to that way.
Eric: I really like that. So between that and then also whatever he saw when the Dementors attacked, those two things you can draw a straight line connecting between Dudley at the beginning of Book 5, when he’s a bully, and what happens with Book 7, that development.
Micah: Yeah, I really like that.
Andrew and Eric: Yeah.
Andrew: In terms of what Dumbledore specifically is referring to when criticizing Dudley, it’s got to be the weight first and foremost, because the author has frequently been really brutal when it comes to describing characters by their large sizes. And then obviously, the spoiling. And as we established tonight, Dudley staying up past 11:00 p.m. Dumbledore doesn’t like that either.
[Eric laughs]
Meg: No, it’s not good for a young boy.
Andrew: No.
Micah: Gotta get those eight hours of sleep. Yeah, 100%. So I thought we could wrap up the chapter talking about part of why Dumbledore is there. And this really didn’t necessarily have to happen in front of the Dursleys; this is another moment where I feel like Dumbledore calling Kreacher… and we know how Kreacher appears most of the time. To have that writhing on their living room carpet – and it was noted, and we talked about it earlier, Petunia just got done deep cleaning the kitchen – this atrocity on her carpet in the living room probably made her freak the hell out, right?
Eric: We don’t see Dumbledore casting a Scourgify, or a, “Oh, let me clean this place up for you. Sorry about your home.”
Micah: But that’s why I think this in and of itself is probably one of the worst moments of the entire chapter for the Dursleys, because it’s tainting their home, right? This thing is…
Eric: That’s a violation.
Micah: It’s a violation, yeah.
Eric: There have been many violations in this chapter. That might be the worst, yeah.
Meg: Well, it’s also extremely unkind to Kreacher, I think, who…
Micah: Oh, it’s terrible.
Meg: He didn’t ask to be brought into this brand new environment with people he doesn’t know, and he’s clearly in emotional distress and doing something that he doesn’t want to. He’s having a tantrum on the floor with how upset he is about all this, and Dumbledore is just kind of like… you know, for all that Dumbledore criticized Sirius about, “Sirius never treated Kreacher well…”
Eric: Oh.
Meg: … Dumbledore is not treating him very well either.
Andrew: No. [laughs]
Meg: And it just makes me really happy that Kreacher does get the turnaround in Book 7 where Harry, Ron, and Hermione are actually kind to him, and he does get that.
Eric: I love Kreacher’s arc overall. But the other thing is this whole will of Sirius’s – and figuring out if Kreacher and Grimmauld Place, by extension, are in fact Harry’s – doesn’t need to happen in front of the Dursleys.
Micah: Right.
Eric: There’s not a single reason why the Dursleys need to see this. It’s something that’s on Dumbledore’s mind; maybe he’s distracting or delaying from going to Slughorn so that, again, Harry is like, “Oh, Dumbledore means business.” But for me, it doesn’t need to… it could have happened out in the street and would have been better, I think, for a lot of people.
Andrew: Maybe it was just to further freak the Dursleys out by having this house-elf in their home.
Eric: I think it’s like Dumbledore saying to them, “The magic world exists, there’s all this stuff going on that you’ve been not only unkind toward, but willfully ignorant of, and I don’t care how much magic I flaunt in front of you, because you’re horrible people and you won’t drink this very good mead.”
[Meg laughs]
Andrew: Deal with it!
Micah: I think the real reason why is because we needed to be able to connect the threads between Half-Blood Prince and Chamber of Secrets, because both have house-elves show up at Privet Drive.
Eric: Oh, yeah! Kreacher is the second house-elf that’s at Privet Drive. That’s cool.
Meg: Making a mess at Privet Drive. This is a sidebar, but another connecting the threads between Chamber of Secrets and Half-Blood Prince that I thought of today…
Micah: Please.
Meg: … and it’s a little bit silly, because it’s not really based in exactly reality. But I saw the Chamber of Secrets movie for my friend Marissa’s 10th birthday, and I was seated next to this girl named Erin. And Erin had clearly seen the first movie, but she had not read the books, because when Harry is in… the bars are on his window, and he’s in his bedroom at night, and you see… [laughs] Eric knows the story.
Eric: I know this story. This is hilarious.
Meg: And you see the little bits of light, and as these little lights are getting bigger, Erin leans over to me, and very confidently and gleefully she whispers to me, “It’s Dumbledore.”
[Everyone laughs]
Meg: I was like, “Erin, you fool.”
Andrew: Aw.
Meg: But you know what? Full circle.
Micah: She was right.
Meg: Four books later, Dumbledore is coming to save Harry from the Dursleys.
Eric: Because Dumbledore does save Harry!
Andrew: Aww.
Meg: So vindication for Erin.
Andrew: And for Petunia’s carpet, this portion of the show is brought to you by Stanley Steamer.
[Meg and Micah laugh]
Andrew: Stanley Steamer, when you need your carpets clean and you can’t be bothered to do it yourself.
Micah: Well, Eric, you mentioned that in addition to Kreacher, Harry gets Grimmauld Place. He also gets, presumably, a boatload of money – so he’s just rolling in it at this point – and Buckbeak, who is sent off to Hagrid and will now be known as Witherwings, so we need to make sure that we correct that moving forward.
Andrew: [in a sing-song voice] Witherwings.
Micah: And out into the balmy UK summer night is where we’re headed.
Meg: The misty and Dementor-y night.
Micah: Off to… what is it called? Budleigh Babbington or…?
Eric: Budleigh Babbington. It’s a movie-ism; it doesn’t matter.
Micah: Oh, is it, really?
Eric: Although, no, it might not actually be.
Micah: Is it not mentioned?
Eric: I don’t think the name of the town is. I could be very wrong.
Superlative of the Week
Andrew: Well, it’s time for MVP of the Week, and this week’s segment is most valuable tip from the Ministry.
[MVP of the Week music plays]
Andrew: Don’t be outside after dark! Because as I told everyone last week, Death Eaters are night owls. That’s why you can’t be outside after dark.
Eric: I think that rule number one, the buddy system, is a very good rule.
Micah: Mentioned this earlier, the security questions. Especially in this time in which we live, got to make sure Andrew is Andrew.
[Andrew laughs]
Meg: And I said the best tip was actually the start of the pamphlet, where it says, “The wizarding community is currently under threat from an organization calling itself the Death Eaters,” because I think just the acknowledgement alone, finally, is what is most important here.
Micah: And I looked it up in the next chapter – I also see LunarLycan in the Discord – it is Budleigh Babberton. I’m not sure that is what – why am I blanking on his name? – Dumbledore says. The actor.
Andrew: Michael Gambon?
Micah: Michael Gambon, yeah. It sounds like he made it a little bit more whimsical than that, but…
Eric: No, it sounds right. Yeah, it is in the book.
Micah: Is it?
Eric: Yeah, page 59.
Lynx Line
Micah: And then over on our Lynx Line at Patreon.com/MuggleCast, this week’s question was: If Dumbledore could have left a Yelp review for the Dursleys, what would it say?
Andrew: So Rachel said, “Very clean, well-kept lawn. No lemon drops or any other snacks offered. Hosts were rude and I had the feeling I wasn’t wanted. Wouldn’t go back.”
Eric: Okay, next we have Kyle. “2/5 stars. The staff were quite rude, but did the bare minimum to maintain the Shield Charm. The agapanthus were flourishing!” [laughs] That raised them a whole star on the rating.
Micah: And that needs to be Max’d, too, when they Max this scene. Dumbledore needs to come in and say that, just like he does in the book. Sarah says, “Hosts are super rude. They wouldn’t even drink the drinks I provided. (Why am I the one providing drinks anyway??)”
[Andrew and Meg laugh]
Meg: Julie Ann says, “Do not come here unless you want the feeling that smelling vinegar gives you. Your nose will wrinkle in disgust, and you will wish you never came here in the first place.”
Andrew: Kim said,
“*Side eye emoji* This establishment was one of the worst I’ve visited, and I have been to Azkaban. If I could give it no stars, I would. There was no butterbeer or Rosmerta’s mead available. In fact, I had to Apparate my own. The hosts refused to acknowledge my efforts in providing them refreshments as well. There was a terrible smell of disinfectant and the furniture was uncomfortable. Unless you are looking to punish yourself, I would not recommend No. 4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging.”
Eric: All right, Sara says, “Very clean, but uninviting, and smells of bleach. Three stars.”
Micah: Jenn gives it three and a half out of five stars. “Very clean and quiet. Not enough knitting magazines in the bathroom.”
Andrew: Okay, okay.
Meg: Ning Xi says, “Terrible service. Rude staff. One star.”
Andrew: Michael says,
“1/1,000,000. This house is atrocious, and basically revolves around one spoiled brat. I mean, this kid gets his own two rooms just for his toys and another to sleep in while the parents have one to share! It doesn’t help that there are pictures of this living beach ball of a boy all around the house. Heck, I couldn’t move one step without seeing one of these. The garden is obviously cared for as a way to impress neighbors (and me), but I wasn’t fooled by their act. I could instantly tell that they were trying to hide something. Further investigation found a boy locked under their stairs! This house stinks! Don’t even go near it! If you live in Privet Drive, sell your house because of how atrocious this place is.”
Andrew: Wow!
Meg: I like that, going back to Book 1 stuff.
Eric: ThatBatLady, one star out of five, written by Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, verified reviewer. That’s not the review.
“Having now visited Number Four, Privet Drive on more than one occasion, I can confirm it remains a singularly dreadful establishment. The menu consists primarily of cold toast and resentment. While their lawn is immaculately trimmed (credit where it’s due), the emotional landscape is barren. Upon arrival, I was greeted with the familiar ambience of suppressed fury and air freshener. Vernon Dursley attempted to glare me into nonexistence, Petunia vibrated with barely concealed horror, and Dudley (dear boy) managed a grunt that could almost be mistaken for civility. Refreshments were not offered. I had to produce my own mead.
Pros: No one screamed outright.
Cons: Emotional warmth of a Dementor’s armpit.
Overall: 1 star, for Petunia’s flowerbeds.”
Andrew: Wow.
Micah: Can I vote that that is the title of our episode?
Eric: Which?
Micah: “Emotional warmth of a Dementor’s armpit.” Is that too long?
Eric: Uh…
Andrew: Armpit?
Eric: I like “Dursleys Depantsed” for the episode title.
Andrew: Yeah, that, or Micah, I made a note earlier: “Privet Drive Revenge Tour.” That was something you…
Micah: Oh.
Eric: Oh, yeah.
Andrew: “Dursleys Depantsed,” though… I mean, that has alliteration.
Eric: I could go either way.
Andrew: The Lynx Line is a great way to have your voice heard on the show, whether or not you’re listening live. We ask a new question every week. Become a member of our community today by going to Patreon.com/MuggleCast, and receiving this and many more benefits, like ad-free episodes. One of my favorite podcasts recently started doing ad-free episodes through a support system; I’m like, “Oh my gosh, this is so much nicer.” So if you want to experience that feeling too, join our Patreon.
Micah: It’s so bad now on some podcasts. Literally, the first four minutes of a episode is just ads.
Andrew: Our show is definitely not that bad; we set stricter limits.
Micah: No, we’re not that bad.
Andrew: But it’s still really nice to not have ads in a podcast. If you have any feedback about today’s episode, you can contact us by emailing or sending a voice memo that you record on your phone to MuggleCast@gmail.com, and next week, we’ll discuss Half-Blood Prince Chapter 4, “Horace Slughorn.” If you enjoy the show, please do help us out. We have just reduced pricing on items in our overstock store. Get “19 Years Later” T-shirts, or our 15th Anniversary T-shirts. Lots of other great products there as well; just go to MuggleCastMerch.com and click the overstock store link at the top. You can also take a moment to rate us in Apple Podcasts or Spotify. You can also visit MuggleCast.com for quick access to all of this information and our contact form. And if you’re looking for more podcasting from the four of us, listen to our other shows, Millennial and What the Hype?!, for more pop culture and real world talk.
Quizzitch
Andrew: Now it’s time for Quizzitch.
[Quizzitch music plays]
Eric: This week’s question: In this chapter, Snape and Narcissa make a grown-up version of a pinky promise. The origins of pinky promises started in Japan, known as yubikiri. According to yubikiri, what would happen to someone who broke a pinky promise? Well, the correct answer is – long story short – they would lose the finger. The pinky would be cut off by the person they made the promise with. And we have… actually, it’s very clear who the anime fans are, because it’s a very big theme in anime, and 37% of people who submitted the correct answer said they did not look it up. Correct answers were…
Meg: Well, and who do we know in the Harry Potter series who cut off a finger while betraying someone?
Andrew: Hmm…
Eric: Peter Pettigrew. Was it his pinky, too, right?
Meg: No, I think his pointer.
Micah: Peter Pettigrew’s pinky… pointer.
Andrew: Hashtag #Wormtaily.
Eric: Peter Pettigrew pinked a pinky of… okay. This week’s winners were A Healthy Breeze; Ashley B.; A Bubotuber Ate My Mom; Gryffindor Girly; I have a special pinky handshake with my favorite coworker; Lady Hermione Lookalike; Lumos Knox; Lycalopex; Magizoology 101; Pinky and the Brain (from the Department of Mysteries in the last book); Still waiting for Micah to say 67; Tempeh Tim; Tofu Tom; and Wallysaurus. What’s that about, Micah? 67?
Micah: Is that a new kid thing?
Andrew: Oh, boy. It is a new kid thing. Watch last night’s South Park for more.
Eric: Ohhh.
Andrew: It doesn’t make sense. Though I did notice… I was rewatching Half-Blood Prince the other day while shipping out yearbooks, and I did notice that Ginny and Harry have the numbers six and seven on their…
Micah: Oh, that’s where I saw that.
Andrew: Oh, okay. But they were standing backwards, so it said 76 instead of 67.
Micah: But I still don’t know what that means.
Andrew: It doesn’t mean anything. That’s why the kids like it.
Eric: Can I just say how much I love that you were watching Half-Blood Prince while shipping yearbooks out? That’s really cool.
Andrew: I know, and I realized the movie… I don’t think I like it. It’s too h-word. There’s too much romance.
Eric: It’s too visibly dark for me. The color grading is just awful.
Andrew: Dumbledore being like, “Are you dating, Harry?” I can’t. It’s too much.
[Micah laughs]
Eric: Oh, we need to talk about all the rizz that Harry has, to use another next gen term. Okay, well, that was a lovely chat that we just had there. Here is next week’s Quizzitch question: In Chapter 3, Harry learns he has inherited Grimmauld Place from Sirius. Upon his death, the famous playwright William Shakespeare left most of his property and his fortune to his daughter, Susannah. However, he did leave something to his wife, whose name happened to be Ann Hathaway. What did Shakespeare will to his wife, Ann Hathaway, upon his death? Submit your answer to us on the Quizzitch form located on the MuggleCast website. Go to MuggleCast.com/Quizzitch if you want a direct link to the form, and/or if you’re on our website checking out the amazing transcripts that are done weekly by Meg, or our must-listens page, or anything else at all, just click on “Quizzitch” from the main nav bar.
Andrew: Thank you, Meg, for your help with the transcripts, and for joining us today. Always great to have you on.
Meg: Oh, thank you very much for having me. It’s always a pleasure. Not a chapter that I think about that much, so it was nice to delve deeper into it.
Andrew: It’s a great chapter, though.
Eric: I really felt as though, yeah, we had a really good talk about it.
Andrew: We did, I agree. I agree.
Micah: Did you transcribe as we were going?
[Andrew and Meg laugh]
Meg: No, but maybe I should. Next time on, I’m going to be… [makes typing noises]
Eric: We’re going to turn on the AI meeting notes or whatever feature to get it.
Micah: Sure. My God, I hope you do that.
Andrew: Thanks, everybody, for listening. I’m Andrew.
Eric: I’m Eric.
Micah: I’m Micah.
Meg: And I’m Meg.
Andrew: See you next week for Chapter 4. Bye!
Micah: 67.