Transcript #665

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #665, A Face Only Bellatrix Could Love (GOF Chapters 32 and 33, ‘Flesh, Blood and Bone’ and ‘The Death Eaters’)


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into the Wizarding World fandom. I’m Andrew.

Eric Scull: I’m Eric.

Micah Tannenbaum: I’m Micah.

Laura Tee: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: And this week, witness the return of Lord Voldemort himself after 13 years without a proper body. And to celebrate this rebirthing party – his words, not ours…

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: … we’ll be discussing two chapters of Goblet of Fire this week, Chapter 32, “Flesh, Blood, and Bone,” and Chapter 33, “The Death Eaters.”

Micah: Robe me, Andrew. Robe me.

Andrew: Oh.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: That was a visual I didn’t want to think about. Will they do that in the Harry Potter TV show? Hmm. Micah and Eric, did you have a good time in Portland?

Eric: We sure did. LeakyCon this year was a lot of fun; we had all of the events that we previously intro’d on the show, and really just a great, great weekend. Lot of fun, right, Micah?

Micah: Yeah, it was a lot of fun. A lot of different panels that we did with some of our friends in the podcasting world, including Fantasy Fangirls, Pottercast, and Potterless/The Newest Olympian. So it was great to meet Nicole and Lexi in person after doing a couple of episodes with them, and of course, we know the folks from Pottercast; we’re old friends with them, and Mike Schubert as well. But it was also great to do the MuggleCast meetup and meet our youngest listener in person.

Andrew: Youngest?!

Micah: Youngest.

Eric: Yes, yes. Baby Seb.

Laura: Aww.

Andrew: Oh, that’s sweet.

Laura: That is adorable. I’m so jealous.

Eric: Evidently, his mother would play the show in womb, in utero, to have…

Andrew: The parent who… what’s the parent’s name? Do you want to share?

Micah: Miranda.

Laura: Yeah, Miranda, from…

Eric: Miranda and Matt, so, lovely. Yeah, and it was great to spend so much time with ChloƩ. We have actually recorded a number of the sessions that we did in various forms, and so patrons can look forward to seeing some of that release in the coming weeks, and otherwise, it was just really good to see everybody in person, so thanks to everybody who made themselves known.

Micah: For folks who weren’t aware, this is the last official LeakyCon, so it was a lot of fun to close out the conference with Pottercast and Chris Rankin and getting a chance to reminisce on all of the fun that we’ve gotten up to – the rivalry, so to speak – over the last close to 20 years. And next year will be Enchanticon, taking place in St. Louis in August, so they are branching out. They are growing. They’re evolving, much like we did with What the Hype?!


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Andrew: All right, well, without further ado, let’s get into Chapter by Chapter, and this week, we’re discussing, like I said, Chapters 32 and 33 of Goblet of Fire. And yes, we will do two seven-word summaries this week.

Eric: You know what’s funny about that, Andrew, is that Chapter 32 is barely seven words long.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Yeah, that’s why we’re doing two chapters. It’s not just because of the rebirthing party.

Eric: No, no, you looked this up earlier; isn’t this the shortest chapter in the Harry Potter books?

Andrew: Oh, I didn’t look that up. I just read it and was like, “Oh, this is short. Maybe we should do two.” [laughs]

Eric: Yeah, well, it’s seven pages, so let’s see what we can do here.

Andrew: Okay. All right.

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

Andrew: Cedric…

Eric: … falls…

Laura: … to…

Micah: … his…

Andrew: … untimely…

Eric: … sad…

Laura: … demise.

Andrew and Micah: Aw.

Eric: [imitating Amos Diggory] “My boy!”

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: That should have been the whole seven-word summary. “My boy, my boy, my boy, my.”

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Eric: It’s true.

Andrew: “My boy, my boy, my big boy.”

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: “My little boy.”

Eric: Oh, wow.

Micah: I did look this up, though, in terms of the shortest chapter: Not counting the epilogue, the shortest chapter is Prisoner of Azkaban Chapter 20, “The Dementor’s Kiss.” 2,018 words.

Eric: Compared to this chapter, which has an unknown number of words.


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Eric: Okay, here we go. So as we mentioned in the seven-word summary, this is the moment where Cedric Diggory dies. It’s Harry’s first brush with death that feels real; he does not really remember the death of his parents, even though he has experienced it when he is in the presence of Dementors. But Cedric died as he lived, a hero; his last moments are spent lifting Harry from the ground. They both feel kind of uneasy; Cedric suggests they draw their wands, and there’s sort of a distraction here because as Wormtail holding Volde-thing comes closer, Harry’s scar begins to pain him, and he doubles over. And I’m guessing that in those very, very last moments of Cedric’s, he was probably crouched over Harry, trying to help, trying to see what was wrong, and doesn’t see the spell coming.

Andrew: Yeah. That is a sad thought that his final moments might be trying to help Harry one last time.

Micah: A true Hufflepuff.

Andrew: Aww.

Eric: Yeah, yeah. And I wonder, too, because Cedric was a little bit wary about their surroundings, and he did suggest they take their wands out, that… not to put everything on Harry, but if Harry’s scar hadn’t exploded at that time, do you think Cedric would have had a little bit of defensive magic about him, that maybe he would have survived the initial attempt to cast the death curse at him?

Andrew: Maybe, but I don’t know. Voldemort had a plan and he was going to see it through, so even if he bought a few extra minutes or seconds, what’s the difference?

Micah: Though, Wormtail is very jittery this entire chapter, so I wonder how he even had the ability to cast the Killing Curse. He’s walking with baby Voldy in one hand and bouncing him up and down, making sure he’s feeling comfortable…

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: … and then in the other hand, he takes out his wand – or takes out Voldemort’s wand, I should say – and kills Cedric. It just feels like not something he necessarily would be capable of doing. I don’t picture Wormtail as being able to multitask.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: No, that’s a good point. This is a high stakes night for them. And yeah, he’s always a Nervous Nellie, too, but he’s got Voldemort… his life is on the line, too, if he screws this up, so he has to make sure this all works.

Eric: I assume you’re referring to, Micah, the thing Bellatrix tells Harry, “You have to mean it” to get one of the three Unforgivables. And yeah, I think Peter is just so desperate at this moment that he does very much mean it. He’s like, “Yes, I need to kill this thing, this kid.” The other thing I would say regarding that is that Pettigrew… I always kind of related why he could do it to why Snape can do it, because they’re… you don’t have to have, necessarily, hate in your heart; you just have to have that force of will aspect. I think that’s what Bellatrix means when she says you have to mean it, and we see a lot of the Death Eaters just be able to just cast those types of curses, and I think it comes from practice, as sad as that is.

Laura: And Wormtail doesn’t want to die, so I think that’s all the motivation he needs.

Andrew: Yeah. What stood out to me about this scene is that now that Harry has witnessed the death of Cedric, or any human, as an adult, it does – well, a young adult, a kid, whatever – it sets up his ability to see Thestrals in Order of the Phoenix. And as we learned later in an interview with the author, the difference here is that Harry did see his parents die, but he did not understand what it meant to die when he was a baby. He did not understand the impact, what that is; he didn’t feel the emotional impact. So this is Harry’s first time – as not a baby – witnessing death, and so this, of course, sets up Order of the Phoenix and Thestrals.

Eric: Absolutely. We know that this moment will haunt him; he carries some guilt about it as well. Could he have been better? Could he have done better? But really, the big thing for me is a point here by Micah about Voldemort’s use of phrase.

Micah: Right, because to me, this moment showcases how little regard for human life Voldemort actually has, because he refers to Cedric as the spare. Not another human being, just somebody who’s in the way of him achieving his ultimate goal. And this is actually a turning point in the series; it’s Harry’s introduction into the real world where things don’t always happen for good reasons and aren’t always fair, and it just got real really, really quickly for him. I don’t even know that he’s able to fully process Cedric’s death in the moment; that’s why we see it play out over the course of Order of the Phoenix.

Andrew: Yeah, no, absolutely not. He didn’t even know he was about to be facing Voldemort tonight! I mean, this is a lot to process in one night.

Eric: [laughs] This was not on his bingo card for how this day would go.

Andrew: No. He thought he was going to wrap up this Triwizard Tourny with Cedry, and they were going to have a nice party, and that was going to be the end of that.

Laura: Cedry? [laughs]

Eric: Cedry. But it is these moments… these two chapters go really hand in hand together. You’re faced with this impossible revelation here, and Harry is put in another situation where he has to escape pretty much by the skin of his teeth, and it’s pretty wild. But in the meantime, we are going to get more world-building, including something that I guess I forgot the book really leans into, except the state that Voldemort is currently in. Voldemort is not a looker, and here’s a quote…

Andrew: Ouch, ouch.

Eric: Yeah, sorry, sorry. Maybe Ralph Fiennes’s Voldemort there’s something there, but not in child form.

Micah: Don’t tell Bellatrix.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: What? Oh, pfft, yeah.

Micah: She thinks he’s definitely a looker.

Eric: Okay, a face only Bellatrix could love. Here’s the quote from the book…

Andrew: [laughs] That’s a good episode title.

Eric: “It was as though Wormtail had flipped over a stone and revealed something ugly, slimy, and blind – but worse, a hundred times worse. The thing Wormtail had been carrying had the shape of a crouched human child, except that Harry had never seen anything less like a child. It was hairless and scaly-looking, a dark, raw, reddish black. Its arms and legs were thin and feeble, and its face – no child alive ever had a face like that – flat and snakelike, with gleaming red eyes.” This is terrifying. And if you’ve been playing at home, you know that this is the form that Voldemort is now in after 13 whole entire years of being blasted from his body and literally clinging on to life – he’s about to tell the story of how that all worked – but this is the most that he could do, which goes to show how close to death I think he was, but it also shows how far from anything good in the world Voldemort is.

Andrew: He is described as like a baby in some ways, and I like the idea of him looking like a baby, because it is a rebirth as he uses in this chapter or the next one. Symbolically, I think it really works having him in this state, and I think this also just illustrates how badly Voldemort needs what’s about to happen to happen. He needs to put together this potion with Pettigrew’s help to bring him back to life, because after 13 years, to your point, this is the best he’s come up with.

Laura: And I think it’s fair to say, too, that it’s not just a baby, but it’s a perversion of what a baby is supposed to look like, and I think that’s what makes it so uncomfortable. And I always interpreted this – and as well as the way he shows up at King’s Cross in Deathly Hallows, where, again, he’s in a similar fetal type state – I think it’s representative of the remains of a vessel whose soul was damaged beyond repair. To your point, Eric, about this, this is the after effect of everything that’s…

Eric: It’s an abomination.

Laura: Yeah, exactly.

Micah: And he’s been sucking on snake venom for the last couple of months, too, which…

Laura: Oh, maybe that’s why he’s scaly.

Micah: … probably contributes to his look, yeah. And building off of what you said, Andrew, some of the symbolism here, could it be that it was a baby that ultimately destroyed Voldemort that night in Godric’s Hollow, so he takes a similar form until he is again reborn?

Laura: I love that.

Andrew: Yeah, me too.

Eric: So we get something like a recipe for how to rebirth a Dark Lord…

Andrew: Oooh.

Eric: … and we’re going to have some fun with this, yeah. It’s funny because in Harry Potter, all spells and things are Latin, until they’re not, unless they’re not, and this is an instance in which it’s not at all. Everything that’s done is done in English. Pettigrew is speaking to basically no one, except Harry is there, so I guess Harry gets it. But okay, so there’s three ingredients to the process of making a Dark Lord. Number one, bone of the father, unknowingly given. Or should we…?

Andrew: We have to say it in a fun way, like a curse.

Eric: Oh, okay, here we go. Okay, I’ll go first, and you guys do the others. You ready?

Andrew: Yes.

Eric: [in a creepy voice] “Bone of the father, unknowingly given.”

Andrew: Yeah. I’m thinking of like, the Wicked Witch in Snow White when she’s making her potion or whatever.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: [imitating the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz] “And your little dog too!”

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: There we go. So as far as this goes, he also states – Wormtail does – what it’s for, what each object is for. The bone of the father, unknowingly given, will “renew your son.” So why do we think that the bone needs to be unknowingly given? Because we seem to understand that it has as much to do with the ingredient as it does with this circumstance. So in order for this to work, the dad can’t know his bone is being taken?

Laura: I think that means he has to be dead.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: Has to be dead, and it’s almost a betrayal, too. So you’re betraying people in your family to bring yourself back to life; I think there’s something there with the betrayal.

Eric: Oh. Yeah, you’re desecrating remains. Yeah, yeah.

Andrew: You’re kind of reinventing yourself; you’re recreating a family member.

Eric: Yeah, because I keep thinking of it as a DNA thing, like Polyjuice; you need a bit of the person. So it’s like, “Oh, he needs the bone of his dad, because it’s his family line or whatever.” But I love this idea of you’re committing another horrible act to do this.

Micah: I actually wondered about this a little bit in terms of why it was necessary for him to use his father’s bone, given that the magic comes from his mother’s side of the family.

Eric: Ohhh. Voldemort’s, you mean.

Laura and Micah: Yeah.

Laura: I mean old, ancient Dark magic like this is bound to be extremely…

Eric: Sexist?

Laura: … patriarchal.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: So that’s probably why, Micah.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Eric: Who wants to read ingredient two?

Andrew: I will. Eric’s voice was very good; it’s hard to live up to that.

Eric: Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Andrew: So I don’t know what to do after that, but… [in a spooky voice] “Flesh of the servant, willingly given!”

Eric: Hey, that was excellent!

Andrew: Just going the opposite direction.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: Very good.

Laura: Good job.

Eric: Gee willikers! I’m spooked!

Andrew: [laughs] And so this is to “revive” the master.

Eric: Here’s a question: Wormtail cuts his hand off for this, but it grows a whole body’s worth of flesh. So we know it’s pale, but where’s the math mathing on this? How much flesh of the servant is needed, and why?

Micah: Does that really matter, though? It’s not like you’re going to take a whole human body and dump it into the cauldron.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: It’s like, you’ve got the bones, you’ve got the flesh, and you’ve got the blood.

Eric: Little bit of this, little bit of that.

Andrew: Yeah, their powers combined.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: It’s like how bread rises; that’s what’s happening here. The skin, the body all rises and forms the final product.

Micah: And it’s all from people that he despises too.

Andrew and Eric: Yeah.

Eric: We see that kind of come into play. I’ll tell you guys, when I first read this moment in particular, Wormtail cutting his own hand off, I gasped. And it wasn’t because of the self-mutilation, it wasn’t because of the body horror aspect, but it was because the hand that gets cut off is Wormtail’s right hand, the one that’s missing a finger, i.e. if anybody ever found Wormtail, his hand would be the one that proves that it’s really him, and would set Sirius Black free! Now that his hand is cut off and gone, we’re not going to be able to prove that Wormtail really is the OG Wormtail without that missing finger hand. And so I gasped because there it goes, the bit of evidence we had to save Sirius’s name. That’s when I knew that that was not going to happen in these books.

Andrew: Aww.

Laura: It’s a tragedy. But Eric, do you think that Wormtail might have intentionally chosen that hand for that reason? If his missing finger wasn’t a dead giveaway to his identity, would he have chosen to maim himself in a less terrifying, horrifying way?

Eric: Yeah, if he’s like, “I can get something out of this, more anonymity.” We do find out later in this chapter, or later in the next chapter, that he was spotted and outed basically by Bertha Jorkins; she recognized him in public, so the fewer identifying marks on him the better. Yeah, I think that makes sense. I mean, unless he’s a lefty, there’s no real reason to cut off your own right hand. Maybe Voldemort promised he would grow it back. But yeah, I think it’s a good call. I think it’s smart. And plus, if he cut off his left hand, he’d be one-handed and only have four fingers. [laughs]

Andrew: Well, so that’s what I was kind of thinking in that direction. He’s killing two birds with one stone here, Wormtail is, because by sacrificing that hand with the missing finger, Voldemort will give him a brand new one, and then all is well.

Micah: I just think he did it because he wanted to be known as Voldemort’s right hand man.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, that makes sense, too. [laughs] Eric with the fake laugh.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Eric: It was genuine, but now it’s not anymore.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: So the third and final ingredient, Laura, do you want to take this?

Andrew: Oooh.

Laura: Sure. Man, I’m not good at this stuff.

Andrew: We believe in you.

Laura: Okay, all right. [in a hardcore voice] “Blood of the enemy, forcibly taken.”

Andrew: [also in a hardcore voice] Whoa, that was so cool.

Laura: [laughs] Shut up.

Eric: Oh my God, what’s it for?

Laura: It’s to “resurrect your foe.”

Eric: So the interesting thing surrounding this ingredient is that Wormtail has been asking Voldemort all year to use someone else. Anyone else at all could have actually been used for this stage; it does not need to be Harry. So do we think that it all pretty much would have been the same if he had used anyone else’s blood? Except for, of course, removing the magic protection. If your goal is to get a body back, it would still work, right?

Andrew: Yeah, and I think that’s noted in here. Doesn’t Voldemort say, “I want Harry’s blood”? “I want his, because he’s the one who brought me down.”

Laura: It is interesting, though, because the wording here is “blood of the enemy,” and I mean, I think Voldemort has many enemies, but it says not blood of an enemy, it’s the enemy, and Harry is the enemy.

Andrew: Ohhh. Yeah, interesting.

Laura: So maybe Wormtail was just… maybe it was just wishful thinking on Wormtail’s part that it could have worked with someone else.

Eric: Yeah, it’s interesting because Voldemort says it needs to be somebody that hates him, but he’s got that list of people that probably qualify. But again, this is the non-consent aspect. This is the Dark Magic aspect of it, is you’ve taken something from somebody that wasn’t yours to take.

Micah: I just see Wormtail as extremely antsy and wanting to get the job done, and that’s probably why he’s like, “Take anybody, take anybody.”

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: But it could also have to do with the debt that Wormtail owes to Harry, and he probably doesn’t want Voldemort to find out about that.

Eric: Yeah, things are really sticky around Harry when it comes to that.

Micah: But I did want to pose a question, though, because you brought up how it says that it needed to be somebody that hated him: Does Harry actually hate Voldemort at this point in the series? Because I don’t think that he does. In the first two books, he likely fears him. In Book 3, Voldemort is pretty much MIA minus the ties to the Dementors. And in Book 4, Harry is more or less indifferent towards Voldemort right up until this point where I think he’s, much like Books 1 and 2, pretty much pooping his pants, afraid of what’s going on right now. [laughs] So I don’t think… hate is a very strong word; I just don’t think Harry, at 14 years old, hates Voldemort.

Andrew: He killed his parents, though. You’re leaving that part out. I mean, that’s another reason to hate Voldemort.

Eric: Yeah, I think he does. I think it’s a deep enough adversarial sort of thing.

Micah: Not enough buildup.

Andrew: [laughs] Not enough buildup.

Eric: We needed that chapter earlier in the year where Ron and Hermione walk into the Gryffindor tower and Harry is in a corner going, “I hate him. I hate him.”

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: And they’re like, “What’s up, Harry?” And he’s like, “I really just hate Voldemort.”

Andrew: He’s also been hearing since he became a wizard that Voldemort is the Darkest wizard of all time, huge threat… I agree with you; he’s afraid of him, too, but I think you can easily justify that Harry also hates him at this point.

Eric: Yeah, Voldemort stands for everything Harry doesn’t, or Harry stands for everything Voldemort doesn’t, and so I think there’s a natural hate aspect to it. But I mean, let’s look at the risk; they took a huge risk waiting for Harry. Voldemort, really, after 13 years of waiting, could have had his body back a long time ago. The beginning of this year.

Andrew: And he just killed Cedric! “He just killed my friend. That’s mean; I hate him now.”

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Laura: I mean, that was also kind of stupid, because if we’re to believe that Voldemort could pretty much use anyone who hated him, I think we can assume that Cedric hated him, [laughs] and Cedric could have literally been the spare. If it didn’t work with Harry, you have a backup.

Andrew: Backup blood.

Laura: Now they don’t.

[Ad break]


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Eric: We ready to dive into Chapter 33, “The Death Eaters”?

Andrew: Yeah.

Laura: Bring it on.

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

Micah: Loyalists…

Laura: … arrive…

Eric: … and…

Andrew: … worship…

Micah: … Voldemort’s…

Laura: … triumphant…

Eric: … revival.

Andrew: Woo!

Laura: Yay, we did it.

Andrew: I was hoping it was going to end with stinky feet. “Worship Voldemort’s stinky feet.”

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Micah: That’s kind of what I was hoping for.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Isn’t that a movie-ism?

Micah: His nasty toenails? Yeah.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Yeah, they do kiss the hem of his robes.


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Eric: But yes, so okay, here’s what happens. Here’s what you may have missed in between chapters. Voldemort presses Wormtail’s Dark Mark, and it calls the Death Eaters to him. Yeahhh.

Andrew: The bat phone.

Eric: But actually, Voldemort is so happy to be back in a body because it grew out of that cauldron, and he did need Wormtail to robe him, which was last week’s Quizzitch question.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: “Robe me, Wormtail.”

Laura: Awful.

Eric: Yeah, yeah. But Voldemort, I would feel… I understand this feeling. Voldemort is feeling chatty right now; he’s going to monologue for a real long time.

Andrew: He’s got a tight five coming up.

Eric: [laughs] What’s that?

Andrew: Oh, in stand-up comedy, you have a tight five, a tight ten that you can easily do on stage.

Eric: Yeah, yeah. I love that. I love that. Okay, so here’s his tight five…

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: He compares his own Muggle father to Harry’s Muggle-born mother… [laughs] except probably doesn’t get any laughs. But he says that both of them were useful in the end. Okay, rude. He also gives a little bit insight into his own father; he tells Harry that Tom Riddle, Sr. was intolerant of magic and rejected his mother when he found out she was a witch. To this I’m about to call bullshit, or like, wait a minute, Voldemort, because we kind of know a lot more, thanks to Book 6. And the whole situation with Merope putting Tom Riddle, Sr. in a love potion, it causing this huge scandal long ago when the handsome young suitor Tom ended up running off with Merope, how much of that do we think Voldemort knows and is simply cherry picking here when he tells Harry?

Laura: I don’t know if we ever fully get an answer to that question. I would think that Tom would have been able to figure out at least the broad strokes of the story, but whether he knows it or not, I think that it’s convenient for him to reject his Muggle father in this way, because it’s really the thing that drives him in his hatred of Muggles and his pursuit of wizard supremacy.

Eric: But… yeah.

Micah: What I love about this moment, though, is that he is admitting… and I guess this is prior to the Death Eaters arriving, right?

Eric: Technically, yeah.

Andrew: Shortly before.

Micah: Okay, so then that kind of invalidates my point, because otherwise he would be admitting in front of all of his followers that he is not a pure-blood.

Laura: Right.

Eric: I think young Tom Riddle in the diary in Chamber of Secrets also mentioned it, his half-blood status. Could be wrong there. But the thing is, he just tells Harry in this chapter that Tom Riddle, Sr. was intolerant of magic. That’s not technically true. Tolerant… that’s a little bit different than not liking the fact that magic was used on you to hoodwink you, to sire a child that you didn’t know about. I think it’s fair for Tom Senior to not enjoy that that happened to him, and I’m sure the entire Riddle family would have told the younger Voldemort when he came calling that his mother had hoodwinked or bewitched or whatever, and I think the shame of it would have, in fact, been what caused Voldemort to kill all of them. The book, meaning this book, opens with the Muggle police finding their bodies and the Killing Curse had been cast on all of them, so I just see Voldemort coming to the house trying to figure out, maybe get answers, “Father, why’d you leave me?”, that kind of thing, and just being met with a horror show of stories about how his mother was in the wrong, and I’m sorry, but that’s too much for any young mind to really, especially in Voldemort’s state, to take, and he killed them.

Laura: Well, and I think that they would have rejected him too. And I think if there was any kind of conversation had – if he didn’t just show up and point blank kill them without exchanging any words – I think as soon as they realized who he was, they wouldn’t have wanted anything to do with him, and I think that would have just fueled that fire that leads to him killing them.

Micah: And he wanted to erase any trace of his Muggle lineage, so that certainly plays into this as well.

Eric: Right. I just think it’s very Voldy to cherry pick the facts here.

Laura: Oh, for sure.

Eric: When he tells Harry, “Oh, my Muggle father, worthless; he wasn’t tolerant of magic,” you can’t really take that at face value.

Andrew: Speaking of family lineage, it struck me how Voldemort, of all people, is giving a little lesson on chosen family here…

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: … because the Death Eaters show up and he says, “Oh, look, Harry, my true -” in italics “- family returns,” basically saying, “I have a new family, and it’s my people here. This is my chosen family.”

Eric: Who rescued who, honestly?

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: The Death Eaters or Voldemort?

Andrew: The thing is, too, I mean, Voldemort is just so misguided. Even Voldemort’s chosen family didn’t choose him, and he wonders why none of them came to his aid sooner over the last 13 years. Even Wormtail wasn’t loyal; he came to Voldemort because he was afraid of his old friends.

Eric: Must be a pretty rude awakening to realize none of your family like you at all as a person. [laughs]

Micah: Yeah, and it goes back to the very top of the discussion when you were talking, Eric, about how Voldemort presses Wormtail’s Dark Mark, and it’s a bit of a pump fake because Wormtail in that moment believes that Voldemort is coming over to heal him, to replace his hand, but in fact, it is only to activate the Dark Mark, and it shows that Voldemort cares very little for people beyond what he can use them for.

Laura: I do love in this moment how Wormtail is like, “Oh, Master, thank you,” and Voldemort is like, “Girl, sit down.”

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Sucks to suck. So here we go, moving on a little bit. Once all of them arrive, the Death Eaters take turns bowing and kissing the hem of Voldemort’s robes, aw.

Andrew: Aww.

Eric: And also, they had an assigned order in the circle, apparently. I don’t know if they drew straws or had numbers or whatever, but they assume their old positions, and there’s gaps in between in the circle, and Voldemort is able to identify from the gap. It’s on the buddy system or something. He realizes who’s not there, even though they’re all wearing hoods, just because of where they stand in line. It’s very cute.

Micah: I will say this is one of the most magicky moments in all of the Harry Potter series, because it’s very much… like, you have a circle, and you have a Dark Mark, and you’re calling…

Eric: There’s a cauldron.

Micah: Yeah, there’s a cauldron. It’s in a graveyard.

Andrew: A prayer circle type thing.

Micah: Yeah, it’s like a seance, almost, and it’s probably one of the only main moments where we get this Dark magic happening.

Andrew: [imitating Voldemort] “The Lestranges are missing at my five o’clock! Where are they?”

Micah: Laura Mallory must have just read this chapter and set her off.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Probably.

Eric: Yeah, maybe. After seeing some familiar names – Macnair, Lucius Malfoy – there are ultimately some names that we haven’t heard before, or at least I don’t remember hearing before. Avery, for instance, is so apologetic for not finding Voldemort that he steps forward and Voldemort Crucios him. But I was like, “Avery? Who’s this?” I remember it bothering me that these Death Eaters who weren’t even on my radar before can still be out there, because I would have… you want the good side to have put most of them in Azkaban. It’s okay for there to be Death Eaters once they break out from Azkaban, because they were all put there, but knowing that there were so many – Harry at one point says he’s outnumbered thirty to one – and so there are that many Death Eaters that never got caught, and they’re able to just drop what they’re doing and support Voldemort again.

Laura: Yeah, and that’s a reflection of reality.

Eric: Don’t I know it?

Laura: Yeah, whole lot of people out there who either never got caught or never got held accountable.

Micah: I do just want to call out some of the discussion going on in the Discord because JKO17 is noting how Voldemort doesn’t have a nose, but says that there wasn’t enough flesh for one, to which Justin responded, “It was the missing finger.”

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Guys, guys…

Micah: So Pettigrew’s missing finger is the reason that Voldemort has no nose.

Andrew: Whoa. You know what? Update the Wikipedia, because…

Micah: Can we Max that?

[“I declare canon!” sound effect plays with thunder]

[Laura laughs]

Eric: There we go. That’s the better one. Yeah, declaring canon on it.

Andrew: I’ll do both.

[“Max that” sound effect plays]

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Eric: Those two work really well together. So here we go: It’s finally time for Voldemort to fix Wormtail’s arm, mostly because I’m sure at this point he’s just tired of him whining and crying. [laughs] He says, “May your loyalty never waver again, Wormtail,” to which Wormtail replies, “No, my lord… never, my lord.” Is this forming some kind of vow here and now? The magic around the hand is fresh, and it seems to be done for Wormtail with the intention of never wavering his loyalty. And this is really the moment to look at if you’re considering the way in which Wormtail dies eventually, and especially because I think, Micah, you mentioned, too, his life debt to Harry. Harry essentially calls that in, and it triggers the hand to go all haywire on him. So it seems like this is some kind of real agreement, like magically binding thing, between Voldemort and Wormtail here.

Micah: Yeah, I think that for Wormtail, he has just essentially been sentenced to death. Laura, you have this point here too.

Laura: Oh, yeah, he’s a dead man walking.

Micah: Voldemort doesn’t trust Wormtail as far as he can throw him, [laughs] and this is just a way of ensuring his loyalty. And I think if he would have known about the debt, he wouldn’t have even given Wormtail a hand. He probably just would have killed him right there.

Andrew: And what stuck out to me was that after Pettigrew thanks Voldemort for the hand, Voldemort replies, “May your loyalty never waver again,” and little does he know that hand is going to kill him if he does.

Eric: It’s a threat. Yeah, it’s a threat, and it’s sort of reprimanding. Honestly, for calling his Death Eaters his real family or whatever, he speaks to them like a scolding school teacher. He’s clearly the one in the room with the power, but he’s like, [imitating Voldemort] “Hello, welcome.” You know? It just… “Welcome, children, come in the circle.” The last time I sat in a circle, it was on a little piece of carpet and it was in second grade.

Andrew: It just underscores how broken Voldemort is and how he has no friends or family, no chosen friends or family, no real friends.

Eric: Yeah, he’s so removed from mortality and doesn’t really understand mortals. But we’ve talked about this before; Voldemort doesn’t have family. He has followers. And that’s kind of what… the idea that he’s conflating the two, that he calls his followers “family,” that’s way different. That’s off.

Laura: Do we think that he’s trying to emulate Dumbledore in a way here? In a very perverse, inverted way?

Andrew: Dumbledore is certainly on his mind; he wonders if any of the Death Eaters were teaming up with Dumbledore while he’s been gone, so maybe.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: Yeah, he has a couple shots he throws his way.

Eric: Yeah, yeah. And just really, the whole demonstrating Wormtail’s arm in front of the others is to show that he’s merciful and can reward them for deeds done. He makes such a show of it, of like, “You too, kids.” He wants to reward good behavior, acts of service, and there’s just something very one-sided about it and kind of… I was going to say infantilizing, but I don’t even know.

Laura: I mean, there’s strings attached to everything.

Eric: Yeah, yeah. So here are some other names: We did mention Lucius Malfoy and Macnair. Crabbe and Goyle, presumably the fathers of the students that we know. The Lestranges get a mention; they’re both in Azkaban. And then Voldemort mentions three followers, one who is “too cowardly to return,” one who left forever and will be punished, and one who’s at Hogwarts. We now know that the one too cowardly is Karkaroff; the one who left forever is Snape, and that will be rectified soon; and the one who’s at Hogwarts is now Barty Crouch, Jr./Fakey. So I guess it is nice now that we have some of these names to really get a sense of who our enemy is. It really strikes me in this chapter that this is what this book has really been building towards. Surely, it’s about Voldemort, but it’s as much about the people that follow him, who at the beginning of the book and the Quidditch World Cup were just in hoods, and now we have names and personalities for some of them. And Harry is taking it all in, and he quickly remembers these names, mentally, so that he can tell Fudge in a few chapters who it all is. But it’s just really interesting to finally – and terrifying – to get sight of these people.

Andrew: And I think when you’re reading this the first time, you hear the one who is at Hogwarts, you automatically assume that is Snape the first time.

Eric: Yep.

Andrew: Harry doesn’t really reflect on that, though, but there’s a lot going on in the moment.

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Eric: It’s really well done, and we just assume that Snape has fallen back into… we’re so used to suspecting him at this point.

Andrew: And something that also stuck out to me was that the Death Eaters are scared of Voldemort and what he’s going to do, like, will he take out revenge on any of them? We see Crucio, of course, being used. But I do think ultimately they are in a safe position; he needs numbers badly, and these are the people who showed up pretty darn quick when he activated the Dark Mark, so I don’t know. I think they got nothing to worry about. I’m sure it’s scary seeing him come back to life, but still, you guys are safe for now.

Eric: I think they all know it would be worse if they didn’t come back. If Voldemort really did the impossible and managed to get his body back – which he has – they would be hunted down, and it would be a lot worse for all of them if they weren’t here right now.

Micah: But I actually agree with that point; if Voldemort did start tracking down some of them for not showing up, doesn’t that diminish his own numbers? Or does he just feel like he’s all powerful, so even if he doesn’t have his followers… but then again, he does reference bringing others back into his fold, right? He talks about the giants, he talks about the Dementors, so he clearly has plans. But I just wonder how much he could actually hurt himself by taking out Death Eaters that maybe aren’t as quick to respond as they used to be.

Eric: Again, he has no value for life. I think to him it’s just sureing up loose ends.

Andrew: Well, speaking of loose ends, we’re going to finally find out how he did it all, but first, we’re going to take a quick break and we’ll be right back.

[Ad break]

Eric: All right, here’s how it happened: Voldemort reveals after killing Lily and James and attempting to kill Harry, he was removed from his body and was weaker than every other living thing, but he was alive. He was reduced to, essentially, really only saying to himself, “Stay alive. Stay alive. Stay alive.” Probably played the Bee Gees a little bit.

Andrew: Yeah, I was just going to say. [singing “Stayin’ Alive”] Ah, ah, ah, ah…

[Laura laughs]

Eric: But amazing, the idea… there’s a realm of thought or physics that says pretty much existence and creation is caused by conscious thought, so we exist because we say we exist. And that’s what this really speaks to here, is that’s how diminished Voldemort was. Yes, his Horcruxes worked, but he pretty much was nothing. Not just a soul without a body; less than that, even. It’s pretty wild.

Micah: Yeah, and I do like how Voldemort teases his Horcruxes in this particular moment; he does make mention of the fact that the Death Eaters knew of the steps he took to preserve himself. So do we think that all of them were aware? And just how much did they know? Was it a select few of them? And then I have a separate question as to whether or not he knows that Lucius bungled his diary a couple years ago.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: Because I’ve got to imagine, if he did, he would be pretty pissed off.

Eric: No, no, he does find out, obviously, but I don’t think he knows that at this moment.

Laura: Lucius is so nervous at this point.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: I would think Voldemort is trying to keep his plans in as tight of a circle as possible, because the more people you tell, the bigger risk you take of them spilling out into the open. Any one of these Death Eaters could betray him, and sure, Voldemort could just turn around and kill whoever betrays him, but by that time, the damage might already be done. The secret might already be out.

Eric: It’s a big deal that Regulus, a Death Eater, is able to discover Voldemort’s secret, and he says, “I’ve found your secret.” And so when Voldemort tells his followers, “You all know how I’ve taken steps to evade death and be impenetrable,” what he’s saying is they know that he’s done things.

Micah: But they don’t know the specifics.

Eric: Yeah, they don’t know what it is. It’s like, he calls them his Death Eaters, “Voldemort” itself means “flight from death” in French, so they know he’s an avoiding death fanatic.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Eric: But I don’t think he would tell really any of them.

Micah: Well, and here’s the proof that it worked.

Eric: Yeah. Well, right, right, exactly. Here’s the proof that it worked. But if you’re not Bellatrix who stored something in your vault, and if you’re not Lucius who stored something under your drawing room floor, you really wouldn’t have any indication that there was even a physical artifact to be looking for, let alone several.

Andrew: Right.

Laura: I could definitely see him, too, sort of siloing all of these events and these people who were helping him. So it could totally be that Lucius thinks that the diary is the Horcrux and doesn’t know that there are six other ones out there, or at that time five?

Eric: Yeah.

Laura: And Bellatrix, maybe she thinks that she also is the only one who has something important to Voldemort. So it just seems like he would do that out of self-preservation, to have several people unknowingly working to help protect his literal life.

Andrew: That’s a really good point.

Laura: Yeah, do they even know that he had as many Horcruxes as he had?

Andrew: Yeah, probably not.

Laura: It’s on a need to know basis for the inner circle.

Andrew: And it’s not like these objects are medicine with a label on it that says “Brings you back to life.”

Laura: Right.

Andrew: It’s like, “What is he going to use this for? Why is this item so important to him?”

Eric: Yeah. In fact, I think it’s the fact that Malfoy doesn’t know exactly what the diary is. He just knows what it will do that allows him to sacrifice it to begin with, to use it to cause havoc for personal gain.

Andrew: So that is kind of one flaw in Voldemort’s plan. He should have said, “Be careful with this. Don’t lose it. Don’t let it get destroyed.”

Eric: [sentimentally] “This diary is like a part of me.”

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: So we are treated to a little bit of fate, and yes, fate works in wonderful ways sometimes, but it really is bad fate that occurred here: The gross moment that Wormtail escapes in Prisoner of Azkaban because Lupin didn’t take his potion eventually led to Wormtail, desperate for a decent meal, bumping into Bertha Jorkins in a pub. She recognized him, but he convinced her to walk alone with him at night. True crime buzzers going off. This is awful. Don’t do this.

Laura: Yeah! What is it with these characters and walking by forests at night?

Andrew: [laughs] Sometimes an evening stroll is nice.

Micah: Maybe she had a crush on Peter back in the day.

Laura: Maybe.

Eric: Well, I wouldn’t put it past anybody. Maybe Peter was less horrible back then. But yeah, I mean, he quickly overpowers Bertha, he takes her, he then finds Voldemort, takes her to Voldemort – there was this whole thing with the rats, where Pettigrew figured out where Voldemort was, which is sort of impressive – and then Voldemort was able to break Bertha Jorkins’s Memory Charm. She had the piece of the clue that said that Barty Crouch, Jr. is alive and desperate to return to your service, and so that allowed the entire rest of the plot to happen, basically. Here’s something: Voldemort does talk about the spell, or he made his own spell or two as part of his journey to becoming bodied again. Micah, I’m wondering if you could read this segment.

Micah: Sure.

“‘Poor wizard though he is, Wormtail was able to follow the instructions I gave him, which would return me to a rudimentary, weak body of my own, a body I would be able to inhabit while awaiting the essential ingredients for true rebirth… a spell or two of my own invention… a little help from my dear Nagini,’ Voldemort’s red eyes fell upon the continually circling snake, ‘a potion concocted from unicorn blood, and the snake venom Nagini provided… I was soon returned to an almost human form, and strong enough to travel.”

Eric: So Voldemort talks about being so weak that he couldn’t hold a wand, even. No body, right? So he eventually is able to figure out that unicorn blood, which he was using in the first year – which cursed him and comes with its own thing – mixed with the venom of Nagini can ultimately create the horror show that you see in this baby-like Voldy. I wonder… it’s interesting here because we’re getting Nagini, but we don’t have her backstory. She, of course, also met Voldemort in Albania, but that story is not told here. I also wonder, chronologically, where she fits in, because Voldemort has Nagini at the beginning of Goblet of Fire, and he trusts her well enough to make her a Horcrux once he kills Frank Bryce at the beginning of this book, which was confirmed by the author.

Micah: I thought it was Bertha Jorkins’s death that made Nagini a Horcrux.

Eric: I will look that up.

Andrew: I think that sounds right.

Laura: Yeah. Well, I guess we don’t know exactly how long Nagini has been with Voldemort. I mean, he was in Albania for a while.

Eric: Oh, it’s Bertha Jerkins. You’re right; sorry about that. So but yeah, still, when did they have time to develop this relationship? Was Nagini one of the creatures that Voldemort attempted to possess? Upon so doing, did he really learn more about Nagini? Because the later stuff that we got, the very heavily problematic Maledictus stuff from Fantastic Beasts era where… guys, do you remember Nagini is an actual character, a grown woman in the Fantastic Beasts movies?

Andrew: I kind of block it out when I read the books.

Eric: Yeah, yeah, but the eventual decline of her ability to transform back into humanity means she’s one day going to forget it. I actually had a really interesting thought, which is no wonder her snake venom helps Voldemort regain a human form, is because her blood curse, her unique condition, has some level of… that transformation between human and snake seems like it would be retained in DNA or something.

Micah: He’s getting the good eats, is what you’re saying.

Eric: Well, it’s very specifically designed to do one thing, and it’s change between the species. So maybe the fact that… maybe Nagini’s milk is actually the really, really incredible, important ingredient in that potion. And here’s something I think we can all relate to that Voldemort says, which is he didn’t just want to come back because he had already sacrificed time, and he already decided he wasn’t going for full immortality, so his plan to come back was to at least come back a little stronger than he was before he left. I think this is the sunk-cost fallacy. This is “I’ve already spent so much time on this.” And you know when you leave a job and you don’t want to take a job that would have been a lateral move, even though that’s good; you want a job that’s a promotion because you always want to be moving forward? That’s Voldemort waiting all year to get Harry’s blood. He wants to be better than he was before, obviously.

Andrew: In the words of Britney Spears, “Stronger than yesterday.”

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: That’s it. That’s what it comes down to. Stronger than yesterday.

Laura: I was going to say, listen, the man has a goal. He took his time. He put his eyes on the prize, and he did it.

Eric: He tries to touch Harry, and it works. We know a little bit more, having read the later books, that the removal of Lily’s protection in this manner by taking Harry’s blood also further doubles down and connects Harry and Voldemort to this world, which strengthens both of their bonds. I think it might, in fact, be – just speculating here – but Harry’s blood in Voldemort’s veins that actually gives Harry his take-backsie from death a little later on. I think just because they’re so connected that Voldemort is almost like an anchor point at that point for Harry to stay tethered.

Laura: Yeah, that makes sense to me.

Eric: If not explicitly said later, I think that that’s cool. So yeah, it just… Voldemort is on top of the world, and he’s bragging that he’s about to kill Harry, but first he’s going to let him duel, and that’s sort of where the chapter wraps up.


MVP of the Week


Andrew: So let’s go to MVP of the week now for both chapters.

[MVP of the Week music plays]

Andrew: I’m going to give it to Dumbledore, who Voldemort admits is the reason that he can’t get to Harry while he’s at Hogwarts. And I know that y’all here on the panel say, “Oh, Dumbledore, he’s not present enough. He’s not doing enough.” Well, here’s Big V saying Big D is scary, and he doesn’t want to touch Harry at Hogwarts. He does not want to deal with that. So well done, Dumbledore.

Eric: Andrew, I’m going to have HR talk to you about your use of Big V and Big D.

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Andrew: Big D and Big V; they’re the big bads!

Eric: I’m going to give my MVP to Snape in advance for going from the one that “left forever, will be punished,” to Voldemort’s Death Eater again. He’s got some ‘splainin to do, but we know from Spinner’s End in Book 6 that Snape did a most magnificent job up ahead. But here we only see Voldemort’s disdain for Snape, so good job turning it around, buddy.

Micah: And I’m going to give it to the Little Hangleton graveyard for hosting the first Death Eater rager in 13 years.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Laura: And I’m going to give it to Big V…

Andrew: What?

Laura: … as he will henceforth be known. Listen, the man had a plan; it finally worked. Fourth time’s a charm, and he got him, so congrats. [laughs]

Andrew: Remember when we used to have Tylor on the show, and Tylor would say, “Voldemort is my favorite character”?

Laura: He would’ve loved that.

Andrew: Yeah, you’re giving Tylor right now.

Laura: I know. Someone has to.

Andrew: Disgusting! [laughs] Listeners, if you have any feedback about today’s episode, you can email or send a voice memo to MuggleCast@gmail.com, or you can use our phone number, which is 1-920-3-MUGGLE; that’s 1-920-368-4453. And then we also have the contact form on MuggleCast.com, so there’s plenty of ways to contact us. Next week is Episode 666…

Eric: Oooh.

Andrew: … and Micah and Eric, you had an idea for that episode, right?

Eric: Yeah, and we could do another Voldemort episode, but why would we do that?

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Let’s actually go back to the very beginning of Harry Potter fandom and talk about the parents that tried to get the Harry Potter books banned from schools in the early ’00s because Harry Potter is anti-Christianity and promotes witchcraft. I have spent hours looking up old newspaper clippings and finding out what is the true history of that, and we’re going to go through it next episode as sort of a featured discussion.

Micah: I also think that it’s worth recycling some old MuggleCast clips. Remember, Andrew put in a phone call to one school here in the United States?

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: That was great.

Micah: That was looking to ban the Harry Potter books?

Andrew: That was great. We’ll have to find that.

Micah: And also, we mentioned her earlier, but Laura Mallory was really the villain of the Harry Potter fan community for quite some time because of her campaign to just obliterate the Harry Potter books from the face of the earth.

Andrew: Yeah, and to those of you who hear us occasionally mention Laura Mallory and you’re like, “What?”, you’ll finally get some backstory on that in next week’s episode.

Micah: She’s coming on. She’s a huge Harry Potter fan.

Andrew: [laughs] Hey, in the spirit of old times, maybe we should try to call her and see if she answers.

Laura: Hey, maybe she’s turned over a new leaf. I haven’t kept up with her.

Andrew: Yeah, maybe.

Laura: Probably not. [laughs]

Andrew: Check in with Laura.

Micah: Go knock on her door, Laura.

Andrew: Yeah, you live nearby.

Laura: Oh, yeah, she’s my neighbor.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: So I’ll let y’all know what she says.

Micah: You guys have Sunday dinner, don’t you? Go to church together?

Laura: Yeah. Oh, 100%.

Andrew: Only one Laura can prevail, so the big fight will happen next weekend.

Laura: “Only one…” [laughs] What is the prophecy?

Micah: Do it like Celebrity Deathmatch style?

Andrew: “Neither can live while the other survives.”

Laura: “While the other survives,” thank you, thank you. There can only be one.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Listeners, we’re having fun, we’re always having fun, and if you enjoy what we do, don’t forget that now is the best time of year to pledge at Patreon.com/MuggleCast, because we recently announced the MuggleCast 19 Years Later T-shirt commemorating our 19 years of Harry Potter podcasting. Slug Club members, check your Patreon for the link to the order form, and be sure to fill out the form by July 19. And if you are not currently a patron, it’s not too late. Sign up at Patreon.com/MuggleCast at the Slug Club level and fill out that order form, and we will get you a T-shirt in a few months. They’re really great shirts; we’re super excited about how they came out. And we couldn’t do the show without you, so thank you to everybody who supports us, and this is our way of thanking you, not just with a T-shirt, but we send… we offer all kinds of benefits throughout the year, including livestreams, ad-free MuggleCast, early access to episodes, two bonus MuggleCast installments every month, the MuggleCast Collectors Club… we just received our latest sticker designs; they look so great. Don’t miss out on all the benefits that we have at Patreon.com/MuggleCast.


Quizzitch


Andrew: And now it’s time for Quizzitch.

[Quizzitch music plays]

Eric: Last week’s question: What are Voldemort’s first words after he climbs out of the cauldron fully grown? And it’s “Robe me.”

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Because he’s nakey.

Andrew: Robe me, baby!

Eric: The cauldron did not provide clothes.

Andrew: [imitating Voldemort] “Robe me!”

Eric: Correct answers were submitted by Bill and Fleur’s Meet-Skrewt; Buff Daddy; Dedalus Diggle, Please Spare a Giggle; Dumbledore the Rizzler; Elizabeth K.; Hickory Diggory Dead… aw.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: That one hurts.

Andrew: Wow.

Eric: … I can touch you now, hey Alexa, play “Touch Me” by The Doors; JennPenn; Moldy Voldy’s “Did You Miss Me?” Comeback Tour; Portkey to the Future; Robbie the Rotund Rogue Robe Rigger; Stuck on Hogwarts the Forbidden Journey Ride SOS… hope you got off.

[Andrew gasps]

Eric: … The Brockdale Bridge… that’s a deep cut, and I love it. The Dark Lord (drip) shall rise (drip) again (drip); The longest sock of Dobby’s that was my sleeping bag… okay. And You’re a Quizzard, Harry. So thank you to everyone again for those lively and fun names. We bumped into the maker of Quizzitch, of course, the other day; Kyle was at LeakyCon this year. It was really good to hang out with him.

Andrew: That’s awesome.

Eric: And here is next week’s Quizzitch question: What does the shadow of James Potter tell Harry he must do? Harry and James time next week. Submit your answer to us on the MuggleCast website, MuggleCast.com/Quizzitch, or if you’re already on the MuggleCast website – maybe checking out transcripts, Wall of Fame, all that stuff – click on “Quizzitch” from the main nav.

Andrew: Yeah, like Eric said, visit MuggleCast.com for transcripts, social media, links, our full episode archive, our favorite episodes, Quizzitch, and more details about the show. And if you enjoy MuggleCast and think other Muggles would, too, tell a friend about the show, and we would love if you left us a review in Apple Podcasts or Spotify; that helps us spread the good word about the show. So that does it for this week’s episode. Thanks, everybody, for listening. I’m Andrew.

Eric: I’m Eric.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: Going to go grab my robe and tuck in. Bye, everyone.

Eric and Micah: Bye.

Transcript #664

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #664, Where’s the Skrewt Flute? (GOF Chapter 31, The Third Task)


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into the Wizarding World fandom. I’m Andrew.

Eric Scull: I’m Eric.

Micah Tannenbaum: I’m Micah.

Laura Tee: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: And this week, get ready for an a-maze-ing episode…

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Ohhh.

Andrew: … as we take on the third task of the Triwizard Tournament. But first, we actually got some pretty big Harry Potter TV show news, and it is news that, while significant, it’s not exactly a shock because it had been rumored for a couple of months now. The Harry Potter TV show has officially signed on its showrunner and director, the latter of which will be directing at least multiple episodes. So the showrunner… and this is the person who’s supposed to carry the show from beginning to end; she’s like the boss, the big bad, if you will.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: It is J.K…. no. It’s Francesca Gardner.

Eric: Oh, wow. Okay.

Laura: I was about to say, I think there are going to be some problems here.

Eric: Heart stop moment. Thank you for that.

Andrew: So both of these people are actually alums from the world of HBO’s Succession, which, when you think Harry Potter, you don’t necessarily think Succession.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: But the show’s excellent, so that’s good news. Francesca’s background includes, like I said, Succession, but also His Dark Materials, the book to TV adaptation for HBO.

Laura: Heck yeah. That was excellent.

Micah: And she was a late add, right? When we were talking a little bit about some of the initial buzz around the show, I think a couple months ago, she was somebody that got pulled in a little bit late, right? So this was somebody I think they really wanted to work on the show, and it looks like they were able to get her.

Andrew: I also love it’s a woman running the show, honestly, in this male-dominated Hollywood. And of course, the Harry Potter movies were all directed by men, so it will be interesting to see if the storytelling changes at all with her at the helm. And then I mentioned a director; his name is Mark Mylod, and he’s worked on Game of Thrones, The Last of Us, Entourage, and, like I said, Succession. The chatter I’ve seen on social media from Hollywood gossipers and journalists is that these seem to be pretty good picks, and so far so good for me.

Eric: Yeah, I guess the next steps are the same as what I’m most interested in: the casting, and it’s going to be hard to strike lightning twice with the young kids. They’ve certainly done it once, so we’ll see.

Andrew: So now I think they will move to casting, now that they have the showrunner and the director for the first few episodes. So that is the update there, and we’ll continue to keep everybody posted as they work on the TV adaptation. Don’t forget; it’s probably not coming till 2026, so still a long ways away. Also, this year’s physical gift for Slug Club patrons has been revealed. Don’t forget; the clock is ticking. It is the MuggleCast 19 Years Later T-shirt. Micah is modeling it off right now on camera. Slug Club members, check your Patreon for the link to the order form and be sure to fill out the form by July 19. We have created a new version of the original MuggleCast Squares shirt, which was our very first shirt 19 years ago, and it now features the four of us in four colorful new silhouettes, and underneath, we have the MuggleCast mic bolt and “19 Years Later” to celebrate our own epilogue year. And if you aren’t a patron, now is a great time to join – honestly, the best time of year to join – because you can get the shirt, so pledge and fill out the form by July 19 to be eligible to receive the shirt. We won’t be on air next week, [laughs] so don’t forget in the next two weeks. That’s your homework assignment while we are off. And you will receive your shirt after you’ve been a patron for a minimum of three months. And in addition, you’ll get sweet benefits, like access to our monthly hangouts with the four MuggleCasters, two new bonus MuggleCast installments each month, ad-free MuggleCast, access to our planning docs, access to our recording studio every Thursday, and much more. And thank you everybody who supports us on Patreon; we could not do this without you, so your support there is greatly appreciated.


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Andrew: Okay, let’s jump into Chapter by Chapter, and this week, we’re discussing Goblet of Fire Chapter 31, “The Third Task,” and we begin – like we always do – with our seven-word summary. Here we go.

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

Eric: Riddles…

Laura: … guard…

Micah: … the…

Andrew: …misleading…

Micah: … way…

Laura: … to…

Eric: … victory.

Andrew: Ooh, love it. Well done, y’all.

Laura: Well done.

Eric: Yeah, I like the idea of riddles because Harry has to get past one riddle and inadvertently finds himself in front of another Riddle.

Laura: That…

Micah: Way to set us up for success with that first word, Eric.

Eric: Cheers.


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Micah: All right, so we are going to talk about the third task of the Triwizard Tournament, and I wanted to start with a section, though, on family matters. And we get Harry at Hogwarts receiving Mrs. Weasley, receiving Bill Weasley, but that’s not the only family that plays a role here in the lead up to the third task. Ron and Hermione are helping Harry; Sirius is corresponding with Harry. And then, of course, we get a little bit of some additional family banter as other family members of Triwizard champions arrive to Hogwarts. But let’s start with Ron and Hermione. Of course, this is coming off the Pensieve chapter; there’s been a huge info dump by Harry to Ron and Hermione about everything that went on in Dumbledore’s office, minus, of course, the status of Neville’s parents. But Ron and Hermione are all about making sure that Harry is going to be successful in the third task, and it’s really nice to see them show up as friends.

Eric: This is really – as it’s said – the first task that Harry feels fully prepared for. It’s getting to the point where he can’t feel very apprehensive, because he’s like, “Well, I kind of know what I’ve got to know.” He’s remembered all the spells; he’s figured out how to do them. Hermione has come through with what ends up being, I think, the MVP spell this chapter, which is a Four-Point Spell, something that gets your wand to point north just like a compass. It ends up being the entire way Harry is able to navigate the maze. She just found it in an old book; they are not teaching this anywhere else, apparently. It’s actually one of the few English language spells as well; all it is is “Point Me.” There’s no Latin incantation.

Andrew: Oh, yeah.

Laura: This was cool. I forgot about this.

Eric: Yeah, me too.

Laura: Well, and now I guess we all know that in order to get to the center of a maze, you just go northwest, right?

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Or the maze? That maze? Maybe others, it would be a different direction.

Micah: You’re also getting lost all the time, too, and you get flipped upside down, so does that spell really help you at the end of the day?

Eric: Well, I think it can just orient you.

Andrew: To at least get your bearings, yeah.

Eric: Yeah, that’s exactly it. So you can make a left and then a right, and then another left and then another right, but that cancels it out, so you can kind of… it makes sense to me. I’m a non-directionally challenged person; I pride myself on being able to set foot in Chicago and know where to get places, but the compass is very useful.

Laura: Harry probably could have used some breadcrumbs or something to leave a trail so that if he ended up going back the way he came, he would at least know. But then the Skrewts might have eaten the breadcrumbs, so what are you going to do?

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: Yeah, they’re big fans of bread. They’re big fans.

Micah: They’re more interested in human flesh than breadcrumbs, but…

Eric: Wow. [laughs] I bet that’s true.

Andrew: Also, a bit of foreshadowing goes on in this area because the trio are working together and Ron says that this is good training for when they are all Aurors.

[Foreshadowing sound effect plays]

Eric: Definitely foreshadowing it. And yeah, they’re really warping into very competent wizards. These jinxes are… we actually end up seeing them use a number of these jinxes next year, at the end of next year in the Ministry against some Death Eaters, and they get them out of trouble there. So these are really, really good spells. Again, Harry just really is quite prepared, and it feels good.

Micah: And you could also consider this as a precursor to Dumbledore’s Army, right? The way that they are training in this particular chapter for the third task. But as mentioned, Ron and Hermione are not the only ones who are looking to help out Harry; Sirius is trying to do his best from afar, and he’s telling Harry, “Ignore anything outside of Hogwarts.” And this reminds me when we were talking about Sirius in a previous chapter. He’s well-intentioned, but Harry is 14 years old; his mind is going to be racing in a million and one different directions.

Eric: I think you need that coach to keep you focused, though, right? It’s like, these are daily letters from Sirius; I just think it feels good to have somebody care for him. And I just think it’s extremely cute that all the letters from Sirius are marked with a muddy paw print…

Andrew: Aww, yeah.

Eric: … which is just the most adorable thing I think I’ve ever seen. Also, Harry better save these letters; they’ll be worth something in about a year and a half.

Andrew: [laughs] Is the signature…? I mean, I know signatures go up after somebody dies, but Sirius?

Eric: I just think the value, yeah, of the letters. I hope he’s not just discarding.

Andrew: Well, I guess SiriusBlack423@aol.com would think that.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: I just love the idea of Sirius being like a boxing coach, though; like before Harry is about to jump into the ring, he’s getting a pep talk and all that.

Micah: I mean, if Harry ignores Sirius’s gifts generally, why would he keep any letters from him? Is that too soon?

Eric: It might’ve been.

Laura: Well, it’s certainly not brought up that Harry keeps them in the future. You would think if he had them, they would come up at some point, like he’d be shuffling through his trunk and he would find those muddy paw print letters from Sirius. But maybe Harry is just not materialistic.

Eric: [laughs] Harry has really been working on clearing his feng shui.

Laura: Right?

Micah: He’s not a hoarder.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: Sirius, on the other hand…

Eric: Well, the other aspect is if somebody found it and worked out that it was Sirius, they’d probably maybe be able to use it. Maybe Harry is intentionally destroying them right after he reads them.

Laura: Maybe, yeah.

Micah: Well, as if Harry didn’t have enough to worry about heading into the third task, he gets hit with a Rita Skeeter hit piece, and she paints him as this troubled attention-seeking young man who lacks just all credibility. And I’m wondering, does this kind of story help to substantiate the way the Ministry starts to paint Harry in Order of the Phoenix? This is actual written text that they can go back to and say, “Look, as early as last year, Harry was out of control.”

Eric: Rita Skeeter has done the Daily Prophet such a huge favor with this. She couldn’t possibly know it, necessarily; she doesn’t know what’s happening at the end of the evening. But yeah, you would think that you… they couldn’t have planned a better time for this to come out. But one thing that I find so maddening – and I’m sure this is by design – is that all of the content of that article plays on the usual prejudices and fears to basically discredit Harry. Draco Malfoy is the primary source that Skeeter is using. We already know – and it’s not difficult to find out – that he’s Harry’s sworn enemy, so that’s not objectivity, hello. And also, things like his friendship with werewolves, plural – yeah, right. It was Remus Lupin, their previous teacher. Giants – it’s Hagrid, come on, but see previous article. And this is the debut where everyone figures out worldwide that Harry is a Parselmouth, and that carries some specific negative vibes. But it’s just a shame to see that Skeeter is… she has no real content on Harry, and so she’s trying really hard to stoke public outrage or outcry, and even go so far as to suggest he shouldn’t be at Hogwarts at all.

Andrew: I do wonder if it’s possible that Fudge actually kind of did work with Rita on this, because this comes right after Harry stood up to him in the previous chapter. Remember, Fudge was embarrassed when Harry said Madame Maxine couldn’t hide if she were to commit a crime, and Fudge wasn’t happy about that remark. Think he was a little embarrassed, it said. So I wouldn’t be surprised if Fudge was willing to put some bad stuff about Harry into the Daily Prophet, or certainly wouldn’t be mad about it, seeing it published there, even if he didn’t know about it.

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Laura: I mean, as we’ve established before, Fudge is the kind of guy who is just looking for optics opportunities to make himself look better and to not create troubled, fraught times for the Ministry that he’s currently leading. Joke’s on him, though; this is not going to go well. [laughs]

Eric: Well, and joke’s on him again because despite his reservations – very vocal – about Madame Maxime, Dumbledore or whoever’s in charge of seating has placed Fudge next to Madame Maxime at the last dinner before task three, and Fudge looks really upset about it.

Micah: Well, it would have been Percy, right? Fudge is sitting in for Percy.

Eric: Deniability.

Micah: That’s just where Percy happened to be seated when Dumbledore planned this three months ago.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Do we think Dumbledore plans anything that far in advance, apart from Horcrux hunting? I just don’t think he’s that organized of a guy.

Eric: But would he do anything to stop it? [laughs] No.

Laura: No, I agree with that wholeheartedly. And actually, I think it’s kind of mean to Madame Maxime to make her sit next to Fudge.

Eric: Well, right.

Micah: Well, is she even aware of the accusations, though? She may not be.

Andrew: Yeah, that’s possible.

Eric: Yeah, yeah. The important thing, though, is… I mean, it is shown that she doesn’t seem to be having a great time either. I think she’s looking down the whole dinner, so he probably said one thing and it probably related to her blood status.

Micah: I thought it was more to do with Hagrid than Fudge.

Laura: Yeah.

Eric: I mean, Hagrid is definitely either trying to get her attention or trying to say something, it’s said, but I can’t really read between the lines there about what’s going on.

Laura: Yeah. Well, it does say that her eyes were bloodshot or something. I thought she’d been crying or something like that.

Micah: I could see Dumbledore just looking down the table at Fudge, or walking by in front of him and being like, “How’s your dinner tonight, Cornelius?”

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Right.

Micah: Little bit of sass in his voice.

Laura: Oh, 100%.

Micah: But I really do agree; I do think this is a piece that Fudge can look back on, especially as we get towards the beginning of Order of the Phoenix with everything that happens in Little Whinging, and knowing how he really starts to feel towards Harry and Dumbledore at the beginning part of that book. Well, we know how Mrs. Weasley has been taking to certain articles by Rita Skeeter, but she’s not the only one that seems to be using them as ammunition against Harry. Amos Diggory also happens to say a few unkind words in Harry’s direction. I’m curious, though, does he get a little bit of a mulligan because he’s at Hogwarts to support his son? What do you guys think?

Laura: He’s bullying a 14-year-old.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: A 14-year-old who’s competing against his son. So I think he lays it on a little too thick, personally, but I also understand… I mean, this reminds me of being a really bad soccer player in Little League and witnessing how serious the parents take it. They take their kids’ games very seriously…

Micah: More than the kids do.

Andrew: Yeah, yeah. And I guess that’s kind of my point; he’s bringing the aggressiveness we probably should be seeing from Cedric. But yeah, I think he just needs to bring it down a notch.

Laura: This is how Amos has always been, though. Remember when we first met him earlier in the book and he was saying something about, “Oh, yeah, Ced, you beating Harry Potter at Quidditch; that’ll be a story for the grandkids,” and Cedric tries to say, “Well, it didn’t really count, because Harry fell off his broom,” and Amos was like, “Nonsense, you still won, didn’t you?” And it was like, “What are you doing, man? You’re living vicariously through your teenager?” That’s what’s happening.

Eric: But it gets to the point where Molly Weasley steps in, too, and says to Amos, “Oh, surely you don’t believe Rita Skeeter, do you?” And he is shut down, but he’s still fuming to the point where his wife… he’s about to rebut even Mrs. Weasley, and his wife – whoever she is – Mrs. Diggory has to pull Amos away. I feel bad for his wife. I just think despite Cedric’s damage control, Amos goes too far.

Micah: He’s a proud parent. I think the point about him living vicariously through Cedric is definitely a good one. And let’s not forget, Harry is four years Cedric’s junior, right? And Harry has only been playing Quidditch for three years at the time that Cedric has supposedly bested him, so you know what? Yeah, way to beat up on the little kid, Ced.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Right.

Eric: Yeah, and they’re tied, though, too, for points, Harry and Cedric are. They get to go in the maze tonight first together. That should also tell Amos what a sincere competitor, and what an apt competitor, Harry is.

Laura: Since we brought up Mrs. Weasley for a moment there in talking about her defense of Harry and pushing back against Amos and saying, “You know that Rita Skeeter just likes to make everyone’s life hell working at the Ministry; you should know better,” I think it’s really funny that she can recognize this about Rita Skeeter when it comes to Harry, but not when it comes to Hermione. [laughs]

Eric: It’s so sad. And lucky that Harry gets a weird inkling to, out of nowhere in the middle of silence… it’s that meme, everyone: just nothing. Harry: “By the way, Mrs. Weasley, Hermione is not my girlfriend.” She’s like, “Oh, yep! Nobody said she was!”

Laura: Right. She’s like, “Duh, I knew that.”

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: “Who was thinking that? I wasn’t thinking that. You were thinking that?” So it’s just ridiculous, though, because then Molly Weasley behaves so much better toward Hermione the rest of that day and then, presumably, forever. But this goes to show… I think it’s one of the most important lessons in the Harry Potter books that is applicable to our present day and age. People believe the written word, and the written word holds weight. Even adults who are trying not to believe what’s in print still end up believing parts or some of what they read because it’s printed. This is why it’s so important to have ethics in journalism and to have correct information be published, because you know what you’re doing. People are reading this and really believing that that’s the way things are. And with Rita Skeeter, she is on a personal vendetta to discredit the trio, and we see how it has real consequences in the future.

Andrew: I think a part of what’s at play here, too, is that the Daily Prophet is a very established publication. This isn’t some new media outlet. I mean, all these witches and wizards grew up reading this newspaper, presumably, or at least being aware of it. They trust it. They’ve learned to trust it over the decades, whether or not it’s becoming increasingly corrupt.

Micah: For me, the disappointing piece, though, is Hermione is somebody who Mrs. Weasley has come to know for three years at this point, somebody who is one of Ron and Harry’s best friends at school, and the fact that she would just flip the switch that easily and believe something that Rita has to say in an article… this may be a conversation for another time, but I wonder maybe Ron was sending some letters back home about his frustration around the Yule Ball; maybe that helped to light the fire a little bit.

Eric: Maybe. I like the idea that Ron inadvertently made Molly Weasley worse, but she’s been feeling this way since before the Yule Ball, because at Christmas didn’t Hermione not get a sweater?

Micah: It was significantly smaller. Or no, that was the Easter egg.

Laura: That was the egg, yeah.

Eric: But I mean, Molly has been fuming about this for six months. You know what? I’ve decided Amos Diggory is not the most frustrating parent in this chapter; it’s actually Molly Weasley.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Fair enough.

Eric: She’s 14! Get over yourself! Her protecting Harry instinct is way out of line here.

Micah: Hermione does feel like she finally has some answers when it comes to Rita Skeeter, so hopefully all of this nonsense that’s been going on throughout the fourth year is finally going to come to an end, and I think we might have Draco to thank for it. Or maybe we have Harry to thank for it with an assist from Draco, or Draco to thank for it with an assist from Harry, depending on how you want to look at it. But we’ll take a quick break and discuss that when we come back.

[Ad break]

Micah: Do we think that Hermione finally has Rita figured out?

Andrew: Certainly seems like it.

Eric: Rita herself says, “I was there. I witnessed the Divination class where Harry fainted.” And that is really what I think… well, that and Harry keeping saying “bugged,” and then witnessing Draco – to your point, Micah – talking to his hand, all of it. But especially Rita herself, I think, shoots herself in the… I want to say foot, but would a bug have…? I guess, just… she shoots herself in the buggy part of the leg…

Andrew: The wing.

Eric: … by saying that. She’s gone too far, she’s gotten too confident, I think.

Laura: Yeah, and I think we see Hermione putting the pieces together as well, because at one point she runs her fingers through her hair, which makes me think she’s thinking about when they were at the lake at the second task and the beetle was in her hair. She also puts her hand up to her mouth like a walkie talkie, similar to what Draco did, so she’s clearly starting to connect the dots. So it’s off to the library, as every brilliant Hermione moment must include.

Micah: Right.

Andrew: Yeah, and just the way that whole passage is written, you can tell she’s having this very unique, triumphant almost moment. She’s gazing into space, and she says, even, she thinks she knows what’s going on for real.

Micah: Yeah. Once again, similar to Book 2, Hermione is solving the mystery that’s going on at Hogwarts. Let’s talk a little bit more about Molly and Bill showing up to support Harry for the third task. Eric, this was your Quizzitch question last week. There’s a few other Weasleys that are noticeably missing from this contingent, but it is nice to see the support, right? This is the family that Harry has been adopted into over the course of the series. Are we surprised, though, that Harry is so surprised? I mean, Harry seems shocked that it’s the Weasleys that are there. He thinks it’s going to be the Dursleys somewhere in the back of his mind, but why in the world would the Dursleys come to Hogwarts?

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Micah: I mean, that’s got to be at the absolute… that’s not even on their list of places to visit.

Eric: He’s just used to thinking he has nobody that would come and see him for this, and so when Ron’s family steps in, it’s a big move. They haven’t done this before for him in this way.

Laura: Yeah. And this was actually kind of sad to me reading it, because whether Harry likes it or not, the Dursleys are the only living blood relatives that he has, and had they actually treated him well and raised him as a son, I’m sure he would have loved to have had them there at Hogwarts supporting him. So if somebody says, “Your family is here to support you,” to Eric’s point, Harry’s default is going to think, “My family? Well, I don’t see the ones I have wanting to come here.” But there’s some inner child trauma there, too, because as a kid, he probably wanted the Dursleys to like him. He probably didn’t understand.

Andrew: And is it that crazy of an idea for the Dursleys to come when Petunia herself as a child wanted to visit Hogwarts?

Micah: No.

Andrew: Potentially they did receive an invitation to Hogwarts for the third task. By the way, this reminds me of the episode of shows like Survivor where they get the letters from the family and it’s all emotional. This happens on Drag Race too.

Micah: Well, back in the day, they used to actually have the family members come, but I think it got too expensive. [laughs] So they just did the letters.

Andrew: Yeah, no room in the budget anymore. [laughs] “Here’s a letter.”

Micah: But I’m so glad you asked that, Andrew. Let’s do a “What if?” What if the Dursleys did come to Hogwarts? How would that have played out?

[“What if?” sound effect plays]

Andrew: Well, Vernon would have hated every second of it, of course.

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Andrew: And Petunia would have acted like she hated it, but deep down, you know she’s enjoying the experience, finally getting to check out Hogwarts for herself. And she can go up to Dumbledore and be like, “Well, guess who’s finally at Hogwarts, bitch?”

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Just like that. He would say it just like that. Dudley would never leave the Great Hall. Three square meals of Hogwarts cooking, he would be hooked.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: What? I would too!

Andrew: Yeah, of course!

Eric: I mean, this is not saying anything other than truly anyone would be at this.

Andrew: It’s all free. It’s not like coming to New York City to visit your child and you’ve got to pay for the meals. This is presumably free.

Eric: No, that’s a great point. But yeah, I think Petunia is the one to watch. Vernon would absolutely hate it, but as we’ve seen in the first chapter of the first book, his priority is his wife’s wellbeing mentally. He would be in crisis mode trying to make sure that he could read her emotions and cater to her needs more than his own. And Petunia, gosh, if she showed up, this would really be that coming to Hogwarts moment. Presumably she didn’t come to support Lily in anything; it would never have been up offered to her as a Muggle, so it’s kind of wild to think about.

Laura: I wonder if the Dursleys might be tempted to come to this if Dumbledore sent them a letter saying, “Hey, Harry is a school champion, he’s participating in these tasks, the third one is coming up, and he might die.”

Eric: He might die.

Laura: “So… do you want to come?”

Andrew: They’d be like, “Ooh, I get to watch him die? Now that is something I’m interested in witnessing.”

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Micah: “PS: Remember my last.”

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Micah: But yeah, it certainly would be an interesting scenario to watch play out and the Dursleys interact with other family members of the other champions and other students at Hogwarts. It was nice to see Krum’s parents there. The Diggorys, we already mentioned. And obviously, Fleur, her sister. Eric, she was there again. She made another appearance.

Eric: Gabrielle, yeah.

Micah: She’s safe. She made it out of the lake.

Eric: They flew her there again. Along with Krum’s parents, which, by the way, why aren’t one of them his prizes to get from the bottom of the lake? They exist.

Laura: They said no.

Micah: Budget. They only had budget to bring them in for the third task. [laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, I think what Laura just said; they said no. I mean, the people who were put underwater were told what was going to happen, we found out, and…

Eric: So they were like, “No, we won’t do it. Just use a Hogwarts girl instead of us.”

Andrew: “Use a Hogwarts girl.”

Eric: “Instead of us, our grown wizard adult parents, you figure it out.”

Andrew: I don’t want to get into that again; I’m just saying that they put their foot down, as should everybody else have done. [laughs]

Eric: Oh yeah, yeah. Okay, that works.

Micah: So Harry is able to really enjoy the day, and I think this was set up well, right? From a mental health perspective before having to go into the third task, at least for Harry. I’m sure Cedric Diggory’s father was just hounding him all day about how he was going to perform in the third task. But for Harry, it’s just a really nice moment to be able to spend this time with Molly and with Bill, to walk around the Hogwarts grounds, to eat with them… it’s something he just hasn’t really had in his life at all, and I think that that’s really just… it’s a nice moment for him before things really start to go off the rails.

Laura: Yeah, it’s too good to last.

Micah: One of the things I just wanted to call out was that it seems like Molly and Bill haven’t been back to Hogwarts since they graduated. What’s curious to me, though, and I don’t know – I think, Laura, you have a good question here as to whether or not Hogwarts actually has graduations – but Molly has had three sons who would have graduated within the very recent past, so it’s curious that she’s walking around and observing things for the first time in a long time. Thinking about the Whomping Willow; she references that that wasn’t there when she went to Hogwarts.

Eric: Yeah. I mean, she was technically at Hogwarts when… what, at the end of Chamber? When she was there to figure out what happened with Ginny.

Laura: That’s true. But she had bigger fish to fry at that point, so…

Eric: Yeah, that wasn’t a leisurely walk across the lake. But yeah, it’s wild.

Andrew: I guess we could argue that this confirms they don’t have graduations at Hogwarts if Molly hasn’t been there, despite three kids now leaving the school. But that seems very odd; I’m surprised that there wouldn’t be a graduation. All they get at the end of the year is funerals. That’s really sad.

Laura: Yeah, that’s a bummer.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: I mean, you can also win the House Cup, so there’s that? [laughs] Something that I noted that I thought was really funny is Molly is talking about her experiences at Hogwarts, and she talks about how the Fat Lady kind of chewed her out when she went on a late night stroll with Arthur until 4:00 a.m. when they were at school.

Andrew: Oooh.

Laura: And when I read this, I was like, “I see you, girl.”

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: Late night stroll.

Andrew: Well, also, Molly is always “Abide by the rules, be good,” and this seems a little bad. I mean, Molly was younger, so there’s that, but…

Laura: She had a twinkle in her eye, though, when she said it. [laughs]

Andrew and Eric: Yeah.

Andrew: Aw, she’s reminiscing. That’s really sweet.

Micah: And she didn’t mind getting caught either. She references what the caretaker back then would have done to her, right? Apollyon Pringle, the precursor, as far as we know, to Argus Filch.

Eric: Right.

Micah: It seems like he may have been the one to implement those more barbaric tactics that Filch really lusts for because it’s pretty graphic what Molly says would have been done to her had she been caught.

Laura: Doesn’t she say Arthur still has the scars or something? Because he did get caught.

Micah: Where?

Laura: [laughs] I don’t know. Unclear.

Eric: On his feet from all that strolling.

Andrew: On his rubber duck. Jumping back to graduations real quick, I remembered Rowling actually did say at one point outside of the books that there are graduations. This came up in the Pottercast interview. Those who are graduating take the boats away from the school after graduating.

Laura: Oh, that’s right.

Andrew: So there’s that full circle moment. So yes, apparently there is… though, I guess let’s play this out further: Molly has been near Hogwarts to watch them graduate, but watches from the other side of the lake, maybe. From the Hogwarts Express, let’s say? From the station?

Eric: Fair enough.

Laura: Maybe. But is that their graduation ceremony? Just getting in a boat?

Andrew: Yeah, well, the music plays. [sings “Pomp & Circumstance”]

Laura: [laughs] I’m just thinking if there are graduations, I feel so bad for the graduating classes in Goblet, Order of the Phoenix, and Half-Blood Prince. I mean, also Deathly Hallows. How are you going to have graduations those four years? I bet they canceled them.

Andrew: Well, the unique twists of the graduation ceremonies those years is that in addition to you going across the lake, so too does the casket of the person who died that year or the people who died that year.

Eric: Right.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: I’m also thinking that the graduation song, the owls are also hooting it, so it’s like… [hoots “Pomp & Circumstance”]

[Micah laughs]

Laura: Wasn’t that Vitamin C?

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: Oh, yeah.

Eric: It’s hard to fit the same people in boats as well, the same amount of people in the boats. They’ve grown quite a bit.

Andrew: Graduation (Friends Forever). [sings] “All the times when… Harry got in trouble…”

Micah: Graduating class of 2000, that was our big song. I think that’s what it was written for, actually.

Laura: It was, yeah.

Micah: All right, let’s talk about the maze. After Harry spends the afternoon strolling around with Molly and Bill and gets a nice dinner, it’s time to go down to the Quidditch pitch, which has been transformed into this really scary, eerie maze. And there’s not as much pomp and circumstance – speaking of that – as there was in the movie. I was expecting a little bit more, but it’s just like, “Okay, everybody’s here? In you go.” I was reading up a little bit on this task, and I wanted to ask the question: Do we feel like this task in particular is the ultimate test of self-discovery? Does it show that Harry is able to play with the big boys and girls? Or is he just benefiting from the aid of a Death Eater in disguise?

Laura: So not to downplay the things that Harry encounters in the maze – because there are some pretty dangerous moments, and it’s not to say nothing happens – but he spends a shocking amount of time just walking around in the dark, and it made me wonder if Fakey was potentially removing obstacles from Harry’s path while he was patrolling the perimeter of the maze, because remember, he was one of the few people doing that. We know that’s how he gets Krum later. So it just made me wonder if he was maybe trying to grease the wheels a little bit for Harry.

Eric: It’s possible, but I mean, the hedges are 20 feet tall; that’s huge. So if you really think about it, the maze doesn’t need to be alive the way that it is in the movie in order to be imposing. And like I said, you could actually get lost; it doesn’t take something that large or confusing to actually just wind up all turned around. So I would say… my inclination is that there really weren’t many more obstacles than what they planned. To your point, Laura, the ones that are in there, though, are very dangerous. They’re very, very tough, actually. Any one of them I could see knocking a grown wizard out.

Andrew: Yeah, I think Fakey… I like this idea, Laura. I think he has to pull the strings a little bit, but not too much to the point where Harry is on his guard even further, because then he’s like, “This is too easy; something weird is going on,” and then he’s bracing for something bigger, and then maybe he becomes even more suspicious. So I think it’s just kind of finding that line where he’s helping him, but not too much.

Laura: Yeah. Gets real desperate at the end with Krum, I guess, and is like, “Ah, we gotta take out Diggory now.” [laughs]

Andrew: Yeah. The task also revealed that Harry cares more about people than he does the Triwizard Tournament. He’s looking out for Cedric; he’s concerned about Fleur. That was a really nice character moment from Harry as well.

Eric: Yeah, and as well as Harry struggling with, “Oh, I guess I’m that much closer to victory,” there’s a part of him that is keeping track of people and caring about his classmates or fellow champions, but then another part that’s like, “Ooh,” when he sees the spark go up or something. He’s like, “Oh, somebody’s out of the game; I have one less competitor,” and it’s just such an… I think it’s written in a really realistic way of how your mind considers all the angles there.

Andrew: So let’s talk about the enemies that Harry faces, and we’ll go in order here: the Dementor.

Laura: I just love the connection to Prisoner of Azkaban here, and the image of the Dementor tripping over its cloak.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: Yeah, yeah. And keep in mind, if Harry hadn’t had the previous year’s experience… the Dementor alone – well, it’s a Boggart – but the Dementor alone could have really caused him a lot of trouble. And in fact, I think a Boggart is so overpowered because it takes the position – the size and shape – of your exact worst fear, so no matter what, you’re guaranteed a difficult obstacle in having a Boggart there. So I think it’s brilliant, actually, that this is what’s in the maze.

Andrew: The next thing Harry faces is the upside down, not to be confused with the Upside Down in the Stranger Things TV series. This reminds me of like in a video game, actually, where sometimes you get flipped upside down, or your controller suddenly starts working backwards. I was like, “Oh, I hate when that happens.”

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Laura: Well, there’s actually a part – I’m trying to think because I don’t want to give spoilers – there is a part in Hogwarts Legacy where this can happen.

Andrew: Huh. Okay.

Laura: And I don’t know, because I know that the extra mission came out, or the PS5 exclusive mission came out…

Eric: Oh, it did. It did now. Yeah, I played it.

Laura: Yeah. And there is a moment in there where this happens, and it’s very disorienting.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: It is extremely… yeah. How does Harry get out of this, by the way? Is it just that he has to let go, and then eventually…? Because he’s hanging and he’s going to fall to the bottomless stars, but then something with his foot moves, and then he’s all of a sudden righted?

Andrew: He just had to center himself mentally, I think, and just push through the confusion. That’s how I read it.

Eric: As a kid, I would definitely think for long amounts of time, like, “What would happen if the ceiling were the floor,” right? Indoors, though. I would never go outside. But I always thought that would be kind of cool.

Micah: So the next creature – or kind of sub task within the task that Harry faces – is the Blast-Ended Skrewt.

Andrew: So Hagrid bred the Blast-Ended Skrewts. Did Hagrid…? Am I forgetting something? Did Hagrid not give Harry any tips for fighting these things? They’re good buds. [laughs] Come on, man.

Laura: He did teach them how to walk the Skrewts on leashes, so maybe he should have given Harry a leash to go into the maze with.

Eric: I don’t think Hagrid knows how to subdue these things. He’s bred them with absolutely no care or restriction or restraint at all.

Andrew: I’m being very generous, aren’t I? You would just think there’s some sort of kill switch. Like, what’s the flute for the Blast-Ended Skrewt? That almost rhymes, actually.

Micah: That rhymed. It does. It’s definitely troubling, though, too, that they would have just cleared this creature who nobody knows anything about; forget about Hagrid.

Andrew: [laughs] Right.

Micah: This is a illegally cross-bred creature that is… who knows how much larger it can grow? It might just be based on the number of humans it consumes.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: And it’s just in the maze. So to your point, who knows if anybody knows how to actually subdue it? It’s horrifying that this thing is in the maze.

Andrew: Nobody knows. Nobody knows how to subdue it.

Eric: I mean, Harry’s strategy is – it works the same for the Acromantula – look for the soft spot on its belly. But it doesn’t kill it; it just kind of gets it out of the…

Micah: Stuns it, yeah. Well, where most creatures are vulnerable.

Eric: Right.

Micah: Harry next comes upon Krum and Cedric; he actually hears Cedric crying out and forces himself through a portion of the maze in order to get over to the two of them. And we know Harry has a saving people thing, right, Laura?

Laura: Yeah, he definitely does. And I have to think that Moody hoped that Harry would not encounter this; I think he was trying to really just do away with any and all obstacles at this point so Harry would just make it to the center of the maze. He also knows Harry is a decent person and would help Cedric if he came across this, so the fact that Harry ended up intervening was not according to plan, I think.

Micah: No, and it potentially puts Harry in danger as well.

Eric: Yeah, right. Moody definitely wouldn’t have wanted that. His cursed Krum is for Cedric only.

Micah: And as we know, Harry comes to the aid of Cedric, and the two of them part ways here. It’s not until later on that they come back together. But Harry ends up saving Cedric from Krum, and presumably they send up red sparks to have Krum removed from the maze.

Eric: Yeah, the interaction between Harry and Krum here is really special. This whole chapter is very meaningful. You see the pain in Cedric’s eyes about what had just happened to him and his hesitance to send up red sparks, but the desire to get Krum out of the maze for presumed cheating. Harry and Cedric both relate to each other on “I didn’t think Krum was a bad guy. It’s very interesting that just happened to us.” And if given more time, they would have figured something out.

Micah: I think that’s important because it goes back to the question at the top about self-discovery, and I think what we come to realize as readers is that Harry cares more about people than he does about this particular tournament, and you see that with Fleur when he hears her crying out. And he was obviously in a little bit of a challenging position when that happened, because he was not long after there turned upside down. But he does go to save Cedric, right? He has a saving people problem, if we want to call it that.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Yeah, and major shout-out to HedwigsTheme, by the way, for quoting Moody from the later chapter – Fakey. He actually says, “You had an easier time of it than you should have in the maze tonight… I was patrolling around it, able to see through the outer hedges, able to curse many obstacles out of your way. I Stunned Fleur Delacour as she passed. I put the Imperius Curse on Krum.” So actually, he took out half the champions, Fakey himself.

Andrew: [whispers] Monster.

Eric: Not upside down dust or anything.

Andrew: Right.

Micah: And you could say three quarters of the champions, because if not under the Imperius Curse, Krum would not have used Crucio on Cedric.

Eric: That’s exactly it. And without Moody there – or Fakey there – it wouldn’t even be a Portkey that they were going for.

Micah: And it’s natural progression, right? Imperio, Crucio, and what’s coming in the next chapter.

Andrew and Eric: Ohhh.

Laura: Oh, yeah.

Eric: Nice. Okay.

Laura: Love that.

Micah: Well, the next thing that we encounter is one we’ve never seen before in this series, and it has a riddle for us. But luckily, we have a few moments to think about what the answer to that riddle is, and we’ll be right back after this.

[Ad break]

Micah: So let’s talk about the sphinx, and I thought, having managed the name origin section of MuggleNet many, many, many, many, many years ago…

Eric: Throwback.

Micah: … wanted to talk about the origin of the sphinx, and it’s most famous in legend and was said to have terrorized people by demanding the answer to a riddle that was taught to the sphinx by the Muses, and it devoured a man each time the riddle was answered incorrectly. And so this is a little bit of a play on that, right? We see it in Egyptian mythology, we see it in Greek mythology, the sphinx, and we know that J.K. Rowling took very much from mythology in her writing. And with all this conversation about how much Harry was aided in his course to get through this task, does Harry actually solve it?

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: Or was he always going to get a free pass from the sphinx, no matter what his answer was?

Laura: Ohh.

Micah: Because if Moody hoodwinked many other things in this maze – and did have his eye on Harry, presumably, let’s say, 95% of the time – why did he not… why not the sphinx too?

Eric: I would argue that the sphinx is 100% not messed with because Cedric did not come this way, and Cedric still winds up… they meet up in the future next to the cup, so there is a way around the sphinx. And the sphinx says to Harry, “You can back away.”

Andrew: Yes.

Eric: So if this were clearly the only path to the cup, I would say Moody would have had to do something to it, but because it’s not the only path to the cup, maybe this is one he missed. The problem with… I read this when I was 14 for the first time and I could not figure out this riddle, and honestly, it wasn’t until many years later…

Andrew: Me neither. Well, even in present day. [laughs] I didn’t try that hard, though.

Eric: Truly, I was 31 and started dating Meg and she explained it to me. But I didn’t understand at all how the thing… I thought the thing you wouldn’t want to kiss is a Dementor, and I was kind of hung up on that. It all relies on, I guess, knowing that when you say “um,” the Brits spell it “er,” E-R. That’s a, er… is kind of “er” versus “um,” U-M.

Andrew: And he gets the beginning and the end, but not the middle, right? Something like that.

Eric: Yeah, spy-er. “Oh, spider!”

Andrew: Yeah, so you can kind of put the pieces together from there.

Eric: Harry gets, like, 66% of the way there.

Laura: It’s context clues.

Andrew: And that could be enough. Think of a Wheel of Fortune puzzle. If you got the start and the end, you could probably guess the middle.

Eric and Micah: Yeah.

Micah: Or Wordle.

Eric: I was going to say, what’s harder, this or Connections?

Andrew: Ugh, Connections.

Micah: So I thought it’d be good just to read the riddle that the sphinx gives to Harry, and it says,

“First think of the person who lives in disguise,
Who deals in secrets and tells naught but lies.
Next, tell me what’s always the last thing to mend,
The middle of middle and end of the end?
And finally give me the sound often heard
During the search for a hard-to-find word.
Now string them together, and answer me this,
Which creature would you be unwilling to kiss?”

The reason why I wanted to bring it up is once we do get the answer, spy-d-er, right? But spider is not spelled the way that we are accustomed to, right? Because at least in reference to this riddle, “spi” is S-P-Y. And we can go into a lot of different theories about who’s the spy here, but there was a long standing one that this riddle answer was actually a reference to Snape.

Laura: I do remember that.

Andrew: While the debate was still going on about whether he’s good or bad? Interesting.

Micah: Now, the real spider shows up right after this.

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Eric: Right, yes! There is actually a spider in here, an Acromantula, a big one.

Micah: So it’s like, “Congrats for getting it right; now you can get eaten by an Acromantula.”

Andrew: I assume that was the intention; it was kind of teasing what was about to come. So you solve the riddle, you get to go through, and you also get a brief heads-up about what you’re going to encounter next.

Eric: Maybe the proper way to deal with the big spider is to kiss it.

Andrew: Ooh. Don’t ask Ron to do that. He would never win.

Eric: Maybe it’s bewitched that if you kiss it, it… I don’t know, gets your number and walks away.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: Harry nearly dies during the confrontation, and in fact, Harry and Cedric both nearly get wiped out by this thing. It’s massive. It’s horrible. That’s why, like, yeah, there’s only a few obstacles, but each and every one of them can and probably would kill you. I’m just blown away again by Harry’s resilience and his trying every little thing under the sun. You know what works, though? Harry casts Expelliarmus and it works.

Micah: Of course it works.

Eric: It works! Why does it work?

Laura: It’s his signature spell. [laughs]

Eric: The spider doesn’t have a wand! It drops him when it’s holding him with multiple arms.

Laura: Well, I think he cast it against the spider’s pincers, right? And I guess that would be the spider’s equivalent of a weapon.

Eric: I mean, if the pincers then flew off, that would be wild. But I think it’s just enough to jilt it. I can’t tell whether I’m really, really mad or really impressed that it works this time for Harry.

Micah: I was hoping to see the Ford Anglia just stroll in.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Can you imagine?

Andrew: Oh, that would’ve been cool.

Eric: That spider-killing Anglia. [laughs]

Laura: Honestly, the Ford Anglia should have totally been in the maze. Why not? We know it’s out in the forest.

Eric: That rogue element that helps take you up over a couple of walls at a time.

Laura: Exactly.

Micah: But this is a full circle moment, right? Because it’s Cedric who comes to Harry’s aid when he’s facing the Acromantula, just like Harry came to Cedric’s aid earlier on in the task with Krum. And they put aside their differences for the greater good of Hogwarts – it’s actually a really longwinded conversation that could have taken much less time – and decide that together they will claim the Triwizard cup and enjoy an all-expense paid vacation to Little Hangleton…

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Woohoo!

Micah: Return airfare currently unavailable.

Laura: Womp-womp. [laughs]

Andrew: Yeah. So Moody – Fakey – could not have predicted this…

Micah: No.

Andrew: … and this is maybe his big flaw in the plan, though he might not care that Cedric is going to get killed. He didn’t predict a scenario in which they would decide to take it together. It’s too selfless, it’s too friendly, it’s too… for Hogwarts! They wanted to win it together because they’re both Hogwarts students.

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Laura: I mean, the thing is, I think that Fakey actually would care about Cedric going because wasn’t the plan Harry was going to go to Little Hangleton, Voldemort was going to kill him, they were then going to return his body to the maze, so it would be easily explained that Harry just died during the third task and that way…

Eric: Ohh. I never put that together before! That makes so much… that’s why the Portkey is a return Portkey.

Laura: Yeah, because then Voldemort would be able to continue rising…

Eric: In secrecy.

Laura: In secrecy, exactly.

Andrew: Okay.

Eric: That’s why later Dumbledore is like, “You really helped things by seeing that that day, because it completely ruined the surprise.” Okay, I just understood a major thing.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Laura: That’s what I love about these books.

Eric: No, I know; there’s always something new on a reread. But I think that what it comes down to for Harry is he never wanted this. He never wanted that eternal glory. He didn’t put his name in the Goblet, and this is why Fakey failed to predict this is because… if Harry had wanted this from day one and chosen to put his own name in, he would be possessive of it, and I think he would run for the cup, especially after Cedric is like, “I’m not going to do this. You should take it.” Harry would have just sucked it up and gone. But because Harry doesn’t want to even… he can’t take credit for even being in the circumstance to begin with. Harry doesn’t want it at all, so it’s really lovely the solution they come up with because that school loyalty aspect is really just wonderful. I mean, if it had been able to go off like that, I’m sure everyone in the world would have cried favoritism and home field advantage and all that other stuff, but it was a nice sentiment in the moment.

Micah: Let’s ask the question, then: What would have happened…? Do we think Moody would have intervened before Cedric got to the cup?

Andrew: Yes, had to have. 100%.

Micah: Could have Stunned him…

Eric: Oh, if he predicted it, yeah.

Andrew: Or maybe sent another surprise enemy down.

Micah: Because it’s clear that Fakey is not trying to harm anybody here, right? The end goal is Harry get to the cup. But if you look at his treatment of Fleur and Krum, it’s not to kill, right? So it’s likely that he would have done something that would have eliminated Cedric from the competition, but likely not done any real significant damage to him.

Eric: Well, it’s the Crucio Curse. Essentially, if Harry hadn’t stepped in, Krum and Cedric would still be right where they were when Harry found him.

Laura: Yeah. And it would have been too suspicious if Fakey had been doing lethal things to all of the competitors except Harry. Imagine Harry wins the Triwizard Cup, comes out of the maze at the end, and the three other champions are dead in the maze.

Eric: Right.

Laura: Suspicious; that’s not really what Fakey is going for here. He’s trying to fly under the radar.

Eric: So all the other people have to be alive. And essentially, the patsy for casting Crucio on Cedric is the kid from the Dark Arts school, whose English is a second language, and nobody would really ever… oh, and his tutor is an ex-Death Eater. I can see the smear job that Fakey had planned for Krum this whole time.

Laura: Oh, and when you think about how Barty Crouch, Jr. feels about Karkaroff? Oof, yeah. That gets deep.

Eric: Right, because even if Krum says he was Imperiused, you blame Karkaroff.

Laura: I have to ask: How awkward would it have been if Harry had said, “No, Cedric, please. You.” And Cedric had been like, “Okay,” and if he had grabbed the cup himself and been transported to Little Hangleton without Harry. I’m just imagining Voldemort waiting and building up to this moment all year, just for this random Hufflepuff student to show up in the graveyard. [laughs]

Andrew: He’s like, [inhales excitedly] … and then it’s not him.

Micah: Cedric could have been the real champion here. Let’s think about the scenario is that Voldemort is not in full strength here – he only becomes to full strength once he gets Harry’s blood – and it’s Wormtail. If everything else equal, could Cedric have taken out Wormtail? Because he’s not injured, right, in the same way he is in the movie?

Andrew: Yeah, that would have been pretty incredible. That’s a good question. I mean, the only thing really working in Wormtail’s favor would be that Cedric would be so caught off guard that he just kind of panics and doesn’t know what to do.

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Eric: I mean, in the first page of the next chapter, Harry and Cedric think it might be part of the task still, and so they…

Andrew: Right, so at least he would still be on his guard, in a way.

Eric: Well, yes. Yeah, on his guard. But yeah, unfortunately, the Dark side has all the cards here. But it is hilarious to think of Voldemort having to improvise, or just like, “Well, I guess we’ll use somebody who’s not Harry after all.”


Odds & Ends


Micah: All right, we’ll be heading off to the Little Hangleton graveyard in a couple of weeks, but that’s how the third task wraps up. And we have one odd and end that we wanted to call attention to.

Andrew: Yeah, just wanted to call out a little foreshadow alert: Fleur was eyeing Bill with great interest earlier in the chapter, and Harry could tell she had no objection whatsoever to long hair or earrings with fangs on them, so setting up what is to come in the future.

[Foreshadowing sound effect plays]

Laura: She has good taste.

Eric: Bill’s got something. Bill is a little playboy here. He’s getting eyes from two ladies in the room; not just Fleur, but also the Fat Lady’s friend. Just unbelievable.

Laura: Oh, Violet, yeah.

Eric: The portrait of Violet is happy to see him after all this time.

Micah: She knows things. [laughs]


MVP of the Week


Andrew: And now it’s time for MVP of the week.

[MVP of the Week music plays]

Andrew: I’m going to give it to Hermione for helping Harry prepare for the third task over her exams. Prioritizing a friend over exams is Hermione’s love language. Message received.

Micah: Don’t tell Mrs. Weasley.

Eric: I’m going to give my MVP of the week to Bill Weasley for catching the attention of not just Fleur but the painting known as Violet. You player, you. I wonder what your love language is.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: All right, I’m going to give it to the maze for making the Quidditch pitch relevant in this book.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: And for one last time, I’m going to give it to Cedric, a true gentleman and good sport to the very end.

Andrew: [tearfully] Well said. If you have any feedback about today’s discussion, you can contact us by emailing or sending a voice memo that is recorded on your phone to MuggleCast@gmail.com, or you can use our phone number, which is 1-920-3-MUGGLE; that’s 1-920-368-4453. We prefer you record a voice memo on your phone, but we’ll take a phone call. Just remember to keep your message around a minute long, please. And next week, like we said, we are off due to both LeakyCon and the Fourth of July holiday, so if you’re looking for something new to enjoy, why not check out the latest episodes of our new pop culture podcast What the Hype?!, which is available in the MuggleCast feed.


Quizzitch


Andrew: And now it’s time for Quizzitch.

[Quizzitch music plays]

Eric: All right, last week’s question: Which family members are not present for the third task? And as Micah told you all last week, you must list them all. So it’s Charlie, who can’t get the time off from work, but sends his regards to Harry; Percy, who’s inundated with questions from the Ministry about Crouch, and he’s replaced tonight as Crouch’s reserve judge with Cornelius Fudge; and Arthur Weasley, who’s just not there for some reason. But Molly comes, so that’s nice. Charlie, Percy, and Arthur were correct. I did also accept those who added on top of Arthur, Charlie, and Percy, Auntie Muriel. And also somebody asked if Errol counts. Sure, why not?

[Laura laughs]

Micah: But we know why Arthur couldn’t come. I mean, just the thought of walking the Hogwarts grounds with Molly again; who knows what would have happened?

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Eric: You wouldn’t see them till about 4:00 a.m.

Micah: The Whomping Willow.

Eric: Wow. When the Willow is Whomping, you come stomping? I’m trying to figure that out.

Andrew: That’s good.

Eric: Yeah, thanks. Correct answers were submitted by Buff Daddy; Dead Boy Walking; Maze, Maze go away; Niffleroni and extra cheese; Now all I think about is Dumbledore as one of those old dads who sit on their porches reading the newspaper after he said he reads our newspaper…

[Micah laughs]

Eric: … Robbie; The stiffness in Mrs. Weasley’s voice that needs to stretch; and WeaselBee. So think that’s about eight winners out of 40 entries, so it was a hard one last week.

Laura: Wow.

Eric: I know, I know. And here is next week’s Quizzitch question: What are Voldemort’s first words after he climbs out of the cauldron fully grown?

Micah: “Where’s my nose?”

Eric: “Oh, I’m nakey.”

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Submit your answer to us on the MuggleCast website, MuggleCast.com/Quizzitch, or if you’re on the MuggleCast website checking out transcripts or, I don’t know, click on “Quizzitch” from the main nav bar.

Andrew: This show is brought to you by Muggles like you. We thankfully don’t have a Ministry of Magic running the show; we’re just everyday Muggles putting together this podcast, flying by the seat of our pants like we’re Hagrid inventing Blast-Ended Skrewts. But that means we need support from listeners like you. If you’re an Apple Podcasts user, you can subscribe to MuggleCast Gold, which gets you ad-free and early access to MuggleCast, plus two bonus MuggleCast installments every month. And there’s also Patreon.com/MuggleCast. Now is the best time to pledge, y’all. You’ll get all the benefits of MuggleCast Gold, plus the MuggleCast 19 Years Later T-shirt. Make sure to pledge and fill out the form by July 19. And you’ll also get access to our livestreams, our recording studio – in other words, get access to our planning docs – the chance to co-host the show one day, a video message from one of the four of us, and a lot more. So check it all out at Patreon.com/MuggleCast.

Micah: And we are just a few days away from LeakyCon 2024. Eric, ChloĆ©, and I will be out at the Oregon Convention Center in Portland, Oregon from July 5-7, and Eric, I’m going to turn it over to you.

Eric: Yeah, we have some updates. So we were added to two more panels, and including one with the Fantasy Fangirls, so listen up. This is the most current and up-to-date info you’re going to get before the con, so recommend checking LeakyCon.com, clicking on the schedule – which is a Grenadine site – but here’s the info: On Friday, July 5 at 11:15 a.m., we are doing the MuggleCast meetup. That’s for all convention attendees who are listening to this now and want to come see us; it’ll be an intimate gathering. Then later on Friday, 3:45 p.m., I will be on a panel called “Love Is Love – Diversity and Inclusion in Fantasy.” On Saturday, July 6, 10:00 a.m., we’re going to be on our LeakyCon 2024 Podcaster Mega Panel featuring Pottercast, Potterless, Fantasy Fangirls, and us. And later that day at 5:00 p.m., MuggleCast Live; Micah, me, and ChloĆ© having a lot of fun and reflecting on the 19th year of our podcast and the legacy therein. Then on Sunday, 2:30 to 3:30 p.m., “Rediscovering the Magic: Reading for Joy as an Adult.” This is the panel that’s with Fantasy Fangirls and us, and again, that’s at 2:30. And then in the Portland ballroom for closing ceremonies from 5:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. is the LeakyMug Live. We did just confirm it is going to be like a variety show, which is very exciting, with some time at the end to get together, have a conversation, and reflect. So totally love that; we’re very excited to see you at Leaky if you’re going to Portland. We’ll see you there.

Andrew: Cool.

Laura: Sounds fun.

Andrew: Well, hope you all have a good time. And we haven’t said this yet, I don’t think, but the MuggleCast Live that is happening there will be recorded, and we hope to get it out on the stream in a future week.

Eric: Absolutely.

Andrew: Hopefully sooner rather than later. So last but not least, if you enjoy the show and think other Muggles would, too, tell a friend. Spread the good Harry Potter word. And you can also help us spread the word by leaving a review in your favorite podcast app; we really appreciate those. Those give us all the warm fuzzy feelings. Finally, visit MuggleCast.com for transcripts, social media links, our full episode archive, Quizzitch, our favorite episodes, and more. Thanks, everybody, for listening. Americans, have a nice Fourth of July. We’ll see you all in two weeks. I’m Andrew.

Eric: I’m Eric.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: Bye, everyone.


Bloopers


Andrew: So that’s the update dere… so that’s the up… so that is the up… [laughs] Why can’t I say it right?

Eric: What is going on? Somebody unplug Andrew and plug him back in.

Micah: Somebody’s excited for the debate.

Andrew: So that is the update there. I forgot how to pivot to a D. So that is…

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: Don’t you hate it when that happens?

Micah: You know, sometimes things just set themselves up so well, you don’t need to say anything.

Transcript #663

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #663, Karkaroff the Canary (GOF Chapter 30, The Pensieve)


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into the Wizarding World fandom. I’m Andrew.

Micah Tannenbaum: I’m Micah.

Laura Tee: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: And this week we are diving headfirst into Dumbledore’s memories that he definitely didn’t leave accessible on purpose. Oh, why did Laura make me say that? Because I actually disagree, and now I just said it out loud like I’m Ron Burgundy.

Laura: Well, you’re on the record now. We can just take that clip, take it out of context…

Andrew: No…

Laura: … and now you’re a Dumbledore hater. Mission accomplished.

Andrew: Whoa, that escalated quickly.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: Well, to help us with today’s discussion – and maybe help me defend Dumbledore – is friend of the show and a podcaster herself, Morgan. Hi, Morgan. Welcome to MuggleCast.

Morgan: Hi. I can’t believe it’s been so many years, and now I’m actually on MuggleCast. This is wild.

Andrew: You’re a longtime listener of the show. We’ve been in touch with you a lot recently; I helped you with the launch of your podcast, and a few of us in the Hypable podcast world have been on your show now too. Tell us about That Nerd Thing, your podcast.

Morgan: Yeah, well, and I’m going to be scheduling with Micah, and I’m also recording with Eric, so I’m completing the set. That Nerd Thing pretty much is a show where I interview people about the things that they’re nerdy about and learn about their journeys into fandom, and it’s also an opportunity for me to nerd out, because I don’t really get to do that in my day job as a therapist, and so it’s just a fun place to be creative. And thank you again, Andrew, for all of your help with launching the podcast. I could never have done it without you.

Andrew: Aw, it was my pleasure to help you. It was fun to talk through the ideas that you have.

Micah: Don’t inflate his ego, please.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Listeners, check out That Nerd Thing. And let’s also get your Fandom ID, Morgan.

Morgan: Yes, so my favorite book and movie is definitely Prisoner of Azkaban

Laura: Hell yeah.

Morgan: … because I just love, love, love time travel. It’s my favorite. Back to the Future is my all-time favorite movie, so whenever I see time travel in something, I love it. Let’s see… I have been a Hufflepuff for many years, but I feel like I’m entering my Slytherin era.

Andrew: Ooh.

Morgan: Thunderbird, and then my favorite character is Ron because I think he’s just so complex, and I love how he’s not just all good or all bad, and he is a lot in between.

Andrew: Again, it’s a pleasure to have you on, Morgan, and yeah, thanks for your long time support too. You’re a patron.

Morgan: I say it every time I talk to all of you, but I really will support all of you forever.

Laura: That means a lot.

Andrew: Thank you; that’s very nice. When we launched What the Hype?! I think you had said, “Is there a Patreon? Because I want to sign up.” [laughs] And we were like, “We’re actually not doing a Patreon for now.” But I appreciate that, your interest there.

Morgan: Well, it’s so much work! You guys… I can’t imagine all the behind the scenes stuff.

Andrew: It is a lot of work!

Morgan: Yeah, it’s a lot, so you should get paid for it.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Well, you definitely helped us out by being on our most recent episode of What the Hype?!, which is coming out before…

Andrew: It’ll already be out.

Laura: It’ll already be out by the time this episode comes out where we’re reviewing the second half of Bridgerton Season 3, so thank you for being there with us.

Morgan: Thank you for asking.

Andrew: Well, speaking of Patreon, I am wearing this year’s physical gift right now. It’s the MuggleCast 19 Years Later T-shirt, featuring new silhouettes of the four MuggleCast co-hosts. This is a spin on our very first T-shirt, which we call the MuggleCast square design. It had the MuggleCast hosts in silhouette form with iPod earbuds; we were recreating those iconic Apple iPod commercials. So we recreated the shirt but just with the four hosts, and refreshed the design in a very slick new way because this August we’re turning 19, and of course, it’s the Epilogue year, 19 Years Later in Deathly Hallows. So patrons who pledge at the Slug Club level can get this T-shirt; existing patrons, make sure you fill out the T-shirt order form on Patreon. If you’re not a patron yet, or you’re at a lower tier, you can upgrade or pledge by July 19 and fill out the order form, and you will receive this shirt too. This is a shirt we have created exclusively for patrons. This is a great year to join us on Patreon, our 19 Years Later year. [laughs] I don’t know how to say it. Our Epilogue year.

Laura: It’s our 19 Years Later.

Andrew: Year.

Laura: That’s all you say.

Andrew: It’s our 19 Years Later moment.

Laura: Yeah, exactly.

Andrew: I’m high on cold medicine today; I feel like we should get that out there.

Micah: Aren’t we all?

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: How do you think I do this show every week?

[Andrew and Morgan laugh]

Andrew: Well, like Morgan said, podcasting is a lot of work, and we really need everybody’s support over on Patreon because we are an independent podcast. Your support goes a really long way. It allows us to spend more time on this show that we love doing so much. So hit up Patreon.com/MuggleCast today and pledge by July 19, and don’t forget to fill out that order form as well. By the way, the T-shirt is just the tip of iceberg. You get access to our livestreams, early access to MuggleCast, ad-free MuggleCast, monthly Slug Club hangouts, the MuggleCast Collector’s Club…

Micah: Bonus MuggleCast.

Andrew: Bonus MuggleCast! Laura, what’s coming up in bonus MuggleCast this week?

Laura: Actually, this week’s bonus MuggleCast is inspired by some great news that we heard about Dan Radcliffe over the weekend. He won his first Tony; he won for Best Featured Actor for his role as Charlie Kringas in Stephen Sondheim’s Merrily We Roll Along. So bonus MuggleCast is really going to be based on what projects have the cast of Harry Potter been up to all these years since the movies ended? And I think when you start digging into the IMDb, you might be a little bit surprised to see just how many things all of these actors have continued to be in, and how many of these things you may have actually seen and just not necessarily made the connection because they are really good actors. And you don’t really see Dan Radcliffe in a lot of stuff, for example, and think, “Oh my God, that’s Harry Potter,” because he is such a good actor, and he does a great job of just sinking into a role. We’ll talk about all of those other projects that they’ve had in the years since Potter, but before we move on, I was thinking we could listen to Dan’s acceptance speech for his first ever Tony nomination and award win.

[Audio clip plays]

“Thank you so much to the Broadway League and the American Theater Wing for this unbelievable honor. Thank you to our producers, Sonia, David, Patrick, and Jeff, for making all of this happen. Thank you to Stephen Sondheim and George Furth for writing this unbelievable show and these incredible songs that are just a gift to get to sing every night. Thank you to Maria, our director, for knowing the show like the back of your hand, and for guiding us through it so, so beautifully. And also, just this has been one of the best experiences of my life. Thank you for thinking of me for this. This is just… it’s been unbelievable. Thank you so much to our cast, everybody on that stage. It is an honor to be on stage with you every single night. And to… yeah, I will just… I will miss it so much. Speaking of missing things, Jonathan, Lindsay, I will miss you so much. I don’t really have to act in this show; I just have to look at you and I feel everything I want to feel. I will never have it this good again. Thank you. Thank you to our crew, the band, the stage management team, everybody who makes the show happen every day at the Hudson Theater. You make it a dream to come to work. Thank you so, so much. Thank you to Sue Latimer, my agent, who has been with me literally my entire life. That’s not a joke. Sandy Binion, my dresser. You dressed me on Equus – or no, you didn’t dress me; we met on Equus, and then you’ve dressed me on everything since. None of this would have been half as much fun without you. Thank you so much. My singing teacher, Mark Malan, is the only reason I sound any good in the show. Thank you, Mark. My mum and dad are here somewhere. Happy Father’s Day, Dad. I love you both so much. Thank you for playing Sondheim in the car and just, you know, loving me. And my love Erin, you and our son, the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody. Have a great, great night.”

[Audio clip ends]

Andrew: That was sweet, and Jonathan Groff was just straight up crying watching him receive that award, which was so sweet.

Laura: Yeah. I also love the brief moment of “You dressed me on Equus,” and it’s like, “No, no, nobody dressed you on Equus.”

Andrew: “You undressed on Equus.”

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: But yeah, congrats to him, and he’s just such a wholesome guy.

Morgan: Yeah, you could hear the emotion.

Laura: Everything about that was so humble, yeah.

Micah: It’s really cool to see the passion that he has for theater, too. And I know we’re going to talk more about this in bonus MuggleCast, but getting to see him in How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying, and then to see him in something completely opposite of that, which was The Cripple of Inishman, where he’s playing, literally, this crippled individual on stage night after night… I mean, he’s really good. I don’t think people give him enough credit. And his vocal ability too; he performed during the Tonys as well. And obviously, he’s done a ton of musicals. He’s multi-talented, and I don’t think he gets enough credit.

Laura: I agree.

Andrew: Well, we’ll try to give him more credit in bonus MuggleCast this week on our Patreon and through Apple Podcasts if you’re a MuggleCast Gold subscriber.


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Andrew: So now it’s time for Chapter by Chapter, and this week, we’re discussing Goblet of Fire Chapter 30, “The Pensieve.” Let’s start with our seven-word summary.

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

Andrew: Dumbledore…

Micah: … craftily…

Laura: … leaves…

Morgan: … exposed…

Laura: … memories…

Micah: … inside…

Andrew: … basin.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: I was thinking those last two words were going to be “for Harry.”

Andrew: Ohh. Wow, you’re really trying to hammer that home this week.

Laura: Yeah, I think it’s important.


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Laura: And that’s actually where we’re going to start. We’re going to jump around a little bit here at the beginning, but then we’ll go back in order, I promise. Real talk: Dumbledore left that cabinet containing the Pensieve ajar, and you cannot change my mind. There is no way.

Andrew: Laura, Laura, Laura…

Laura: He doesn’t do anything on accident.

Andrew: Present your evidence, then I’ll respond.

[Micah laughs]

Laura: I just don’t think he does anything on accident. When has Dumbledore ever accidentally done something?

Micah: Are we counting Ariana?

Laura: She was collateral damage. That’s different, but…

Micah: Okay.

Laura: Okay, so this thing is shimmering so much with the cabinet door open that Harry notices it amongst all the other weird stuff Dumbledore has in his office. And Dumbledore clearly places so much importance on the Pensieve that he was literally just using right before Fudge got there, so I find it hard to believe that he wouldn’t have wanted to hide that from Fudge…

Morgan: That’s a good point.

Laura: … and that he wouldn’t have closed the cabinet entirely. I think as they were walking out of the office, I think he had a slip of the wand…

[Micah and Morgan laugh]

Laura: … and he just slightly opened up that cabinet as they walked out, because he knew Harry would see it.

Andrew: Well…

Micah: Come on, Andrew, what do you usually do? [imitating Andrew imitating Dumbledore] “Oohoo, I’m going for a walk. Don’t mind me.”

[Laura and Morgan laugh]

Andrew: [imitating Dumbledore] “Ooh, just heading on out for a quick minute. Don’t look around or anything, wink wink, nudge nudge.” I’ll give you one point that I think supports your argument: Dumbledore was not mad that Harry got poking his head into the Pensieve, and I personally would be pissed if someone just started looking around in my memories without my permission, so I give you that.

Laura: Yeah. He also says, “I quite understand.”

Andrew: “… the need to be nosy.” [laughs]

Laura: [laughs] And then, “Undoubtedly I did not fasten the cabinet door properly. Naturally, it would have attracted your attention,” and “Curiosity is not a sin.” Come on, man.

Micah: So I’ll defend Dumbledore a little bit here…

Laura: No. [laughs] I’m kidding.

Micah: … because Harry is looking at all these things that have assisted him previously within Dumbledore’s office, right? He’s looking at Fawkes, then he goes over and he sees the Sorting Hat, and then it’s in the reflection of the sword of Gryffindor that he notices this light that’s coming from this cabinet. So I’m not saying Dumbledore didn’t leave the latch open, but maybe it’s actually the magic that’s actually assisting him here. Maybe it’s all those things that have helped Harry in the past. Remember, “Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who need it.” I don’t know. I’m not putting this all on Dumbledore. Harry is nosy; remember, we called him out for that…

Laura: He is.

Micah: … for the last several chapters.

Andrew: Dumbledore would also know that he’s nosy and might poke around, so I’m just falling onto Laura’s side as I talk this through. But…

Laura: Yeah, I just think it’s very convenient that we also see Bertha Jorkins towards the end of this sequence where Dumbledore is explaining the Pensieve to him, and we also see Karkaroff talking about the Dark Mark that he and Snape both share. And I mean, the fact that this trial is the queued-up memory that Dumbledore was looking at…

Andrew: [laughs] Well, he’s got a lot to consider right now.

Laura: He does, he does. But also, I think that he respects Harry, and I think that he thinks Harry is really mature, so I don’t think it’s out of left field to say that he had a hand in setting this up.

Morgan: I don’t necessarily think it was also a bad thing that he did that. I think Dumbledore is starting to struggle with how much to tell Harry and how much to not tell him, because he knows that there’s a lot going on and a lot of history that Harry has to learn eventually, and maybe he just doesn’t know when is the right time to start and this is a convenient place to start opening that door.

Laura: And we definitely see him open the door to certain topics. At this point in the series we don’t know anything about Horcruxes or even that they exist, but he’s kind of testing the waters by starting to float some theories, so I think it’s fair.

Micah: One of the things that I wanted to call attention to, because it’s referenced several times in this chapter, is just how old Dumbledore appears, and the chapter actually ends, the last paragraph of the chapter, saying that Dumbledore was “looking older than ever.” And I’m curious why we feel the author is drawing attention to this specifically in this moment. Is it to suggest the severity of the situation and everything that’s been going on with the Triwizard Tournament? Or is it really to humanize Dumbledore, to kind of pull back the curtain on this godlike figure, right? The Yoda, the Gandalf of this particular series, and show that Dumbledore is human after all?

Morgan: I think it’s also showing that Harry is growing up because he’s starting to see the flaws in Dumbledore and see that he’s aging, and it reminds me of when kids start to realize their parents are human and they have flaws and they start to grow up into that, and I think that’s happening pretty early for Harry because of everything that he’s experienced.

Andrew: Yeah, and I imagine Dumbledore has been lacking sleep in recent weeks and months. And I think spending an extended time with Dumbledore in his private quarters is a space where you’re going to see Dumbledore without his stage face on, so to speak. If you see him across the way in the Great Hall at the head of the table…

Micah: He’s got his makeup on.

Andrew: Yeah, and he’s on, he’s energized, he’s presenting to the crowd. Here he’s stressed about a situation he hasn’t quite cracked yet. There’s obviously major issues afoot under his nose at the castle, and he hasn’t figured them out yet; it’s got to be stressing him out. He’s responsible for all these kids. So when I read that line, “looking older than ever,” what I think the main issue is – the reason why Dumbledore is looking older than ever in this moment – is because he’s just really worried and stumped here.

Laura: I will say, Morgan, I like your point if we’re thinking about it as foreshadowing for Book 5, for what’s coming, because Harry is about to learn a whole lot about how imperfect Dumbledore is, and honestly, he’s not even going to get the half of it for another couple of books. [laughs] Well, we’re going to go dive into Dumbledore’s Pensieve and see if we can find Dumbledore’s memory of leaving the Pensieve cabinet open…

Andrew: Ooh, fun. [laughs]

Laura: … so that I can prove my theory for once and for all. We’ll be right back.

[Morgan laughs]

[Ad break]

Laura: Speaking of Harry being nosy, he ends up falling face first into the Pensieve because he’s really trying to see what’s going on in this courtroom that he’s looking down at from a bird’s eye view, and he ends up tumbling into the courtroom. He’s seated on a bench, and he already sees some familiar faces, and some new ones that are going to become really important in the next book. So the familiar ones are Dumbledore, Moody, Crouch Senior, and Rita Skeeter, but we also see certain Death Eaters who are going to become a lot more prevalent in the next book, like namely Bellatrix Lestrange. We don’t even get her by name, but just by physical description we know who this character is and who she will be. But what do we think about the wizarding justice system?

Micah: We get our first real taste of it and the inherent biases that are present and just how the system really works into that. It actually falls in line, Laura, with what you were just saying, because we’re going to get a real taste of it in the next book with Harry, and he’s actually going to be in the exact same room that we’re dropping into in the Pensieve, so it’s just really fascinating to see how wizards do justice. And we get very different examples of it with the three different memories that we go into, or I should say the three different suspects that go on trial. The justice is very different for each of them.

Laura: Yeah, as are the biases being held by Crouch Senior and the jury. But speaking of things that I also saw as foreshadowing for the next book, there’s this moment where Harry, he’s seated next to memory Dumbledore, who has no awareness that he’s there, can’t see him. And Harry, to prove his theory, decides to wave his arms madly in front of Dumbledore’s face and thought, “Okay, this is not present day Dumbledore, because he would never ignore me.”

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: That thought ages like milk.

Micah: [laughs] Just you wait.

Morgan: Part of me, every time I’ve read that, I still always wonder maybe Dumbledore did see Harry and had some sort of weird magical powers where he was able to do that. I still… part of me always thinks that.

Laura: I mean, I think it would be an interesting theory to examine. I don’t think that we’ve seen quite enough of people interacting with and being in memories to know for sure if that would be possible, but I mean, if it was going to be possible for anyone, Dumbledore would be the guy.

Andrew: Doesn’t that seem like that could bring up time traveling issues, though? If somebody’s coming in via a Pensieve in a memory, and then you’re wondering, “Well, why are you here?” I don’t know. I think it’s best this way that nobody in the memory could see the person trying to relive the memory.

Laura: What happens if you break the rules of time travel and you go back in time to change something, but you’re seen by the people who made up that memory? Does the memory change because of the time travel that happened? Or was the memory always that way because the time travel always happened?

Andrew: [laughs] This is the exact issue with the time travel stuff.

[Morgan laughs]

Laura: Yep, that’s the problem. Time travel is messy.

Morgan: Paradox. This is when I go to Reddit to try to understand all of it.

Laura: Speaking of understanding, Morgan, it seems like having a Pensieve would be pretty helpful.

Morgan: Oh my God, yes. I can’t imagine being able to have one of those in the therapy room and be like, “Okay, let’s go look at these memories and examine them and see if we can notice any patterns and what’s going on so that we can make changes now.” I think it’s just such a cool feature, and I think it’s so symbolic to be able to go back and look and examine things from somewhat of an objective point of view, because I’m sure even if multiple people go to the same memory, they still would view things differently. But I just think it’s such a cool thing to have to help understand our own patterns.

Andrew: It also raises the question of how accurate are these memories? They’re accurate from your own perspective, from your own memory, but once you pull it out, I guess it’s sort of locked in permanently. That memory won’t fade because then it’s in the Pensieve being put on ice, if you will.

Morgan: Yeah. Is the memory then gone from our head? How does that work?

Andrew: See, I don’t think so.

Laura: I’ve always wondered that.

Andrew: I don’t think so, because then how would you know that you could go and retrieve it?

[Morgan laughs]

Micah: That’s a really good point.

Laura: Yeah. Or maybe it is still in your head, but because you removed it, as soon as you had it, the memory is untarnished from the initial event. Because don’t they always say that when you’re remembering something, you’re not actually remembering that thing; you’re just remembering the last time you remembered it?

Micah: The last time, exactly. I wonder, though, about the ability to manipulate memories, because we see what happens when Slughorn tries to do it. And so I’m wondering if the memory really is from anyone’s perspective, is it an actual reflection of what happened in that moment? Because otherwise, Slughorn wouldn’t be able to mess with it the way we see him do it in Half-Blood Prince. Does that make sense?

Laura: Yeah.

Andrew: I’m wondering if we ever did an episode on Pensieves because… [laughs] like, just a whole episode discussing them in particular.

Laura: We have to have.

Micah: We must’ve.

Andrew: I’m googling; I can’t find it.

Laura: Yeah, I think we… I mean, I know we’ve discussed the Pensieve quite a bit, and I mean, even within this chapter there are probably more ways than one that we could see a Pensieve being used, and we only get to see it used in the one instance where Harry is using it. And literally in a trial, something like a Pensieve would come in pretty clutch, but nobody’s using that.

Andrew: HedwigsTheme in our Discord said, “Micah, JKR said, ‘Yes, it’s an accurate reflection of what happened, despite what the person noticed at the time.'”

Micah: Nice. Plus one.

Laura: Yeah. I mean, I know she said it, but…

Andrew: Doesn’t make it true. [laughs]

Micah: She’s said a lot of things.

[Morgan laughs]

Laura: Yeah, but also, there’s no such thing as an objective or accurate memory because we’re all biased. Agree to disagree there. So Harry, over the course of being in this courtroom, sees three different trials, and they’re clearly not all in the same day or even close to each other time-wise, because I think we see Crouch Senior getting a little older and seeming a little more haggard towards the end of these. But the first one he sees is none other than Karkaroff’s, and this guy – this should come as no surprise to anyone – sings like a freaking canary.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: He wants out of Azkaban, he wants away from the Dementors, and he is – according to him – completely repentant, ashamed that he ever allied himself with Voldemort, and willing to throw anyone he can under the bus.

Micah: [laughs] Laura…

Laura: Unfortunately… say what?

Micah: You made me think, when you were saying “sing like a canary,” I’m envisioning Karkaroff saying these Death Eater names like the PokĆ©mon rap.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: I thought you were picturing Karkaroff’s head on a canary. AI art, where you at?

Micah: Oh, well, we can get that done; don’t worry. I’ll take care of that.

[Andrew and Morgan laugh]

Laura: Yeah. Oh God, please no; that sounds horrifying. But unfortunately, Karkaroff tries to throw out names like Dolohov, Rosier, Mulciber, Travers, even Snape, and Crouch doesn’t care about any of these because they’re either all already cleared, apprehended, or dead. But Karkaroff does strike gold by naming Augustus Rookwood of the Department of Mysteries, and this is where when I was rereading this chapter, I had to go digging in the Harry Potter fandom wiki and jumping around in the books to be like, “How the hell was Barty Crouch, Jr. found out?” Because it’s a movie-ism that Karkaroff names Barty Crouch, Jr., but I could have swore that in the books the Rookwood connection somehow led to the revelation about who tortured the Longbottoms. But we find out later that Crouch Junior was accompanied by Bellatrix as well as Rodolphus and Rabastan Lestrange, so Rookwood wasn’t there. And it kind of broke my brain for a moment because I was certain that Karkaroff’s testimony in some way led to the Crouch Junior revelation; not as directly as in the movies, but I thought there was some subtle connection there.

Micah: Why that works so well, too, is in all of what we see here in these series of trials, all of these individuals are now present at Hogwarts in the present day. Karkaroff, Bagman, and then Barty Crouch, Jr.; we just don’t know that Moody is Barty Crouch, Jr. right now. So it’s actually really masterfully written that in these three trials, we’re getting the three main suspects as to who could have put Harry’s name into the Goblet of Fire. These are the three people… in one case, we don’t know we’ve been paying attention to him the whole time, but Karkaroff has been a major suspect. Bagman has been kind of on the outskirts; his suspect level has risen and fallen at times. And then you get to Barty Crouch, Jr., but again, the other masterful piece of writing here is that his name is never mentioned.

Laura: True.

Micah: And I think that had it been, you probably would have ended up with Harry possibly coming to a realization much sooner about, “Oh, the Marauder’s Map, I saw Barty Crouch on there; maybe it wasn’t Senior,” and on it goes. But if I can just bring up for a second, there’s a huge reveal here that I think even in the writing is just so glossed over, and that is that Snape is a Death Eater, or he was.

Andrew and Laura: Yeah.

Micah: And it’s not even… it doesn’t even land. Harry brings it up later in the chapter, but it doesn’t create… I don’t know. And maybe it’s because I already knew, but it wasn’t a blow you away type of moment.

Andrew: No, it should give Harry a lot of pause, too, and he should be taking a second to be like, “Whoa. Wait, really? One of my teachers is/was a Death Eater?”

Morgan: It just shows how much he trusts Dumbledore.

Laura: Yeah, and how it really isn’t a surprise to hear that.

Andrew: Well, that’s true too. I mean, Harry despises Snape so much that I guess it’s like, “Oh, who could have been surprised?”

Laura: Yeah. It is kind of surprising that Harry doesn’t have more vindication about this, though, and I think it’s just because Dumbledore probably wouldn’t allow it, at least not outwardly. But we were just talking about Ludo Bagman, too, so we’re going to talk about his trial next, and this is really a clear example of where the rules of justice are being bent in favor of a celebrity. I mean, we see this jury very quick to boo anything critical being stated or asked of Ludo Bagman, and I’m wondering if the jury would have cut him this much slack if he weren’t a famous Quidditch player.

Morgan: Definitely not.

Andrew: Well, and this is… you asked about the justice system in the wizarding world a few minutes ago. How does jury selection work? Because if they were interviewed and they found out that these jury members were fanboys, basically, of Ludo Bagman, they should have been kicked off the jury. They shouldn’t be allowed to participate in the trial. So it seems like there really isn’t any jury selection process that’s really vetting these potential candidates.

Laura: No.

Micah: Isn’t this just before the entire Wizengamot? These are Ministry officials, right? They’re not jury members.

Laura: Well, they’re described as a jury, though.

Andrew: I get… yeah. That term, I guess, could be used loosely.

Micah: Maybe. I have to go back and look at it.

Andrew: But still, even the people who are making the decision, they should be vetted before being a member of this group who’s getting to vote. Or I don’t know, it’s just… it’s so unfair. [laughs] It’s such an unfair trial.

Micah: Well, is it any different than in the next book when Dumbledore strolls in and he’s got his favorites out in the crowd who are waving at him?

[Andrew and Morgan laugh]

Laura: Yeah, very true.

Micah: I don’t know what to make of Ludo’s trial, to be honest with you. I mean, the allegations are serious for sure, but it just goes to show you, though, that you can use your personality and your fame to your advantage, and that’s exactly what he does here. Who knows the truth, if he’s actually guilty or not? Maybe he did knowingly pass information along.

Morgan: I just think that whole situation is wild, and it just reminded me that I hope I never commit a crime where I have to depend on a jury of my peers, because I would be so afraid of what could potentially happen. And I mean, I just think it’s so strange that they let Barty Crouch, Sr. still preside over all of that.

Andrew: Yeah, there’s a major conflict of interest. But in terms of Ludo, he said he didn’t know that Rookwood was a Death Eater, but Rookwood had been a friend of Ludo’s dad and had persuaded Ludo into giving him the information by talking about getting Ludo a job at the Ministry, so I think the excuse that, “Oh, I passed along this information because Rookwood was my dad’s friend,” I can buy it, personally. I can see why you might be fooled.

Laura: Yeah, but let me ask this: Do we think Ludo deserved some kind of consequence for this? I mean, people are convicted of crimes of negligence all the time, and we know that the wizarding world’s justice system really doesn’t stack up against our own. And I mean, I’m not saying that ours is perfect; it’s not. But there’s a lot of bias, I think, that we see in this chapter, in the way these trials are run, and I guess I just feel like Ludo deserved some kind of consequence, potentially, like a fine, even, for damages.

Micah: Well, we know he can’t pay it.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: He’s going to go swindle somebody out of money.

Laura: But back then he was still famous, a famous Quidditch player, still top of his game. He might have been able to.

Micah: It makes me wonder, too, how old was he when he was passing this information along to Rookwood? Was he a teenager? Because he says his dad’s friend, it lends me to believe that maybe it was… was he an apprentice of sorts?

Andrew: “I was young and dumb.”

Laura: I read it as young, but not teenager young, just because again, he is an internationally famous Quidditch player, so I thought maybe young to mid 20s.

Morgan: Yeah, I thought that too.

Micah: I just think it’s really very dangerous the way that he’s put on trial, because what better way to hide in plain sight than to be this celebrity and get off based on your celebrity status? And I think we learn that he really didn’t have anything to do with the Death Eaters or Harry’s name entering the Goblet of Fire. I think by including him in these trials, it still allows the air of suspicion to linger over him for at least another chapter or two…

Laura: Oh, yeah.

Micah: … until we get the big reveal, which we’re going to get. So I think it was good writing.

Andrew: But also, I wanted to ask this question later, but I’ll raise it now: What was Dumbledore thinking by wanting to relive this memory, or by wanting Harry to relive the memory? Where is Dumbledore’s mind here? If Dumbledore is running through three suspects in the Pensieve, then presumably he thinks any one of the three could be causing trouble at school, and he also wants Harry to know about what these guys were up to. Allegedly.

Laura: Yeah, I mean, I think it’s very telling that he chose to go back and look at these three trials, given, again, who is at Hogwarts and who’s been offering to help Harry with every single task that’s come along too.

Andrew: True.

Laura: I mean, it’s funny, because I remember the first time I read Goblet of Fire, I didn’t really pick up any suspicions for Ludo Bagman, but with fresh eyes now, it’s very clear that he was intended to be some kind of red herring. I don’t know; I feel like he’s almost too lame to have actually been the bad guy. [laughs]

Micah: But I think you’re right, Laura, it’s a way to show the reader that, hey, all the players were involved back then, and all the same players are now involved here in present day. Even Rita Skeeter is there, right, at Ludo’s trial? Specifically she’s called out at Ludo’s trial, so I often wonder is there something there? We talked about it back when they showed up in the Three Broomsticks and there was that passing conversation between the two of them, or there was some mention that that happened, and so I wonder, was Rita a fan, a super fan of Ludo Bagman?

Andrew: [laughs] Probably.

Micah: Because how young is she in this moment? Is she already a journalist or…? What’s she doing there?

Morgan: She also probably knows that people will be really interested in his trial and what happened there, so she knows how to get the scoop.

Micah: That’s fair.

Laura: And she definitely had her Quick Quotes Quill with her as well, so I think she was definitely reporting on it.

Andrew: Maybe a budding journalist.

Laura: Yeah. But it definitely adds context to the conversation she had with Ludo in Hogsmeade a few chapters ago. When you think about her having that conversation with him, and even if she doesn’t directly say it, knowing that there’s an undercurrent of, “I was at your trial, remember? You probably don’t want people to remember that that was a thing you had to do, right?” [laughs]

Micah: I really want to ask the same question that Andrew just asked about Ludo’s trial, with the trial that we have coming up: What did Dumbledore hope to gain out of looking at the trial of Barty Crouch, Jr.?

Laura: Well, we will get to that in just a moment, but first we have to stand trial for our own crimes, so we’re going to be judged by a jury of our peers – here’s hoping that they’re easy on us – but we’ll be right back.

[Ad break]

Laura: As Micah alluded to before the break, we get the real gut punch of this chapter, which is Crouch Junior – who we don’t hear referred to as Barty Crouch, Jr. – along with Bellatrix, Rodolphus, and Rabastan Lestrange, are put on trial for the torture of the Longbottoms. The latter three that I mentioned are currently unnamed, like I think I said earlier, but it’s clear that they were established very prominently because they were going to be important in the future books. Bellatrix is even described as sitting on her chair like it was a throne, even though she’s literally chained to it. So I wanted to ask this question of everyone, because I paged through the books and it was really difficult to find a clear cut answer to this: How was it actually determined that Crouch Junior took part in the torture of the Longbottoms? How do we know for sure that he did that? Because there’s no evidence presented in this trial.

Andrew: And I think Dumbledore says in this chapter, because of the state of the Longbottoms, they were bad witnesses. [laughs]

Laura: Well, and Harry asks him, “Did he actually do it?” And Dumbledore says, “I don’t know.”

Andrew: Micah asked why was Dumbledore reliving this memory; maybe this is part of it. He wants to relive this trial to get another look at Senior and Junior, how they were acting towards each other in the trial. He maybe wanted to see what Senior was really looking like when he was sentencing his son, putting him in Azkaban. Was he faking it? Was this all a ploy? Did they have greater plans in mind, Junior and Senior?

Micah: Let’s not forget that Mrs. Crouch is also there, too, during this trial.

Andrew: “I didn’t do it, Mother! Mommy, it wasn’t me!”

Laura: Yeah, and you can read the pain in those attempts for him trying to reach out to his mother to get his dad to reconsider, and his mom ultimately faints at the point of his sentencing, a lifelong sentence in Azkaban.

Micah: I’m almost wondering if Barty Crouch, Jr. was guilt by association, just given who he’s being put on trial with. When you think about Bellatrix and the Lestranges, these are top level Death Eaters. Even Bellatrix says a little bit later on as she’s being escorted out, straight to Crouch’s face, “The Dark Lord will rise again.” And I don’t think Barty, at least at this moment – Junior – has any clue what he’s really gotten himself into. I think it changes in the moment where Crouch responds, basically saying “You’re no son of mine,” and that’s the solidifying piece of it, but it’s hard to say. I don’t know if Barty Crouch, Jr. was just initiated through what happened to the Longbottoms; maybe he was forced to do things by Bellatrix and the others that he didn’t want to do. I’m not trying to absolve him of anything here, but in that moment where you see the father/son interaction and him really just pleading for help, I think it could be guilt by association.

Laura: Yeah, that’s kind of my headcanon, too, especially when we think about Crouch Senior’s reputation and what was at stake for him at the time. Because remember, he was a candidate, a serious candidate, for Minister of Magic, and having his son be implicated in connection with three of the most horrible Death Eaters is not a good look for the tough on crime guy at the Ministry. So we can’t know for sure what happened, but I think if Crouch Junior got wrapped up in something that was way bigger than he was and that he was naive and ignorant about, I could see Crouch Senior throwing the book at him anyway. And we do have to remember, too, Crouch Junior is like, 18/19 at this point; he’s just out of Hogwarts. And as Micah said, it doesn’t excuse any of it; that’s old enough to know better than to get caught up in that kind of thing, but I think there’s context, especially in the type of father that Crouch Senior is, that can point us to understanding why Crouch Junior might have sought acceptance somewhere else.

Micah: I’ll be honest; I don’t remember exactly what he says in the Veritaserum chapter where you learn pretty much everything you’re going to learn about Barty Crouch, Jr., but yeah. I mean, I even think back to the way he treats Neville in this book, and is that him trying to redeem himself in some way? We talk a lot about how he likes to play with his food throughout the course of this book, but he also has these moments where you’re scratching your head a little bit, and you’re saying to yourself, “Is he really that bad?”

Laura: Yeah, he’s a complex character; that’s what makes him so compelling to read. What do you think, Morgan? I’m curious for your professional opinion on this potential dynamic impact that might have landed Barty Crouch, Jr. here.

Morgan: If somebody has a parent who’s very strict and structured, it is really normal for the kids to place high expectations on themselves and then never feel accepted, and so it’s easy for them to be more susceptible to other people who will show that acceptance. So I could totally see him sort of just falling in line with a crowd that showed acceptance that he was really hoping for, and then getting caught up in it, and then getting convicted, and then it just spiraling from there. I felt kind of bad for him.

Andrew: And so looking at all these memories together, just to recap “Where is Dumbledore’s mind right now?” like I asked a few minutes ago. So he can’t get the Ministry on his side; we definitely see that in this chapter. Can he trust Karkaroff? Is that something that’s going through his mind right now?

Laura: Oh, for sure.

Andrew: Suspecting Ludo as well? Or at least wants Harry to know that he should be suspicious of him. Can he trust Crouch, even with his conviction when sentencing his own son? And by that, I mean it was a firm sentencing; he wasn’t wavering about it. He was like, “You’re going to Azkaban, son, who’s no son of mine. Sorry.” And the last thing I think he’s wondering is, “Where’s that pizza that I ordered?”

[Laura and Morgan laugh]

Andrew: [imitating Dumbledore] “Hey, where’s the pizza I ordered? It’s Harry knocking, but where’s the pizza?”

Micah: Does it get dropped into the Pensieve as well?

[Morgan laughs]

Andrew: Oh, that would be a crying shame. I don’t think so. I hope not.

Laura: He wants to remember that pizza forever.

Micah: Can you eat in the memory? Or no, you’ve got to eat outside the memory.

[Micah and Morgan laugh]

Andrew: The pizza falls into the Pensieve and lands on Barty Crouch, Jr.’s head. [laughs] He’s like, “Oh, I’m going to Azkaban, but at least I got some pizza.”

Laura: Don’t you think he would be like, “What’s this?”

[Andrew and Morgan laugh]

Laura: I’ve never seen pizza in Harry Potter ever. And he’s a pure-blood wizard; what exposure is he going to have to Muggle food?

Andrew: True.

Laura: Well, after all of these… basically this info-dump of memories of these trials, Dumbledore does return to his office. And he pulls Harry out of the Pensieve and they do a little bit of a Pensieve recap, which is what we covered towards the top of the episode, talking about what the Pensieve does, how Dumbledore uses it to keep his memories organized, which actually, Morgan, I think you caught on to that when you were thinking about how could we use this in therapy to identify patterns? Dumbledore is doing exactly that here, and he’s trying to identify patterns with the fallout of the first wizarding war to explain why what’s happening now is happening. From there, Harry recaps the dream he had in the last chapter to Dumbledore, and learns that Dumbledore already knew about the dream because Dumbledore is also nosy and he’s corresponding with Sirius as well. But when Harry suggests to Dumbledore that the dream felt so real, Dumbledore is starting to put together the pieces around his Horcrux theory. And while he doesn’t give it all away to Harry, he definitely shares some of his suspicions.

Andrew: “I have a theory, no more than that… It is my belief that your scar hurts both when Lord Voldemort is near you, and when he is feeling a particularly strong surge of hatred.”

Laura: “But… why?”

Andrew: “Because you and he are connected by the curse that failed. That is no ordinary scar.”

Laura: And so he’s kind of telling Harry that he’s a Horcrux at this point without telling him that he thinks he’s a Horcrux. How well put together do we think Dumbledore has this at this point in the series?

Andrew: Well, he does preface it with “It’s no more than a theory.” Maybe he’s just trying to cushion the blow for Harry, because if he is certain and he says it without, “Just a guess, I don’t know for sure, don’t shoot the messenger,” type thing. But I’m willing to believe that he hasn’t completely put the pieces together. He’s not 100% certain that Harry is a Horcrux.

Morgan: And maybe he doesn’t want to accept that, because then he knows what it means, and he’s in denial.

Andrew: Yeah. And going back to that line earlier where Dumbledore is described as looking older than ever, I mean, on one hand, he could be looking older than ever because he just realized Harry is a Horcrux and he hasn’t been sleeping. He’s been losing sleep over it. On the other hand, he’s looking older than ever because he still hasn’t cracked this mystery wide open yet.

Laura: Well, Dumbledore is still on the path of trying to discover the truth behind this mystery, and part of it is him drawing connections based on Harry’s latest dream and the times and locations of certain disappearances, and he basically says, “Harry, Voldemort’s rise to power last time was really marked by strange disappearances that were happening in places that were closely connected to Voldemort.” And here is where we get the first mention of Frank Bryce since Chapter 1 of this book. And Dumbledore says here that he just learned about this by reading the Muggle newspapers, and he makes the connection that Frank Bryce lived in Voldemort’s dad’s town, but he doesn’t state the connection that Frank Bryce was actually the groundskeeper for the Riddle house. Does Dumbledore not have that context? Is he missing that?

Andrew: You would think Dumbledore has maybe done some research here, whether it’s going to the town itself and asking around or, I don’t know, hearing through other ways. But I could picture him going to the town, asking around, and finding out that Frank actually did care for the Riddle property. Seems like some easy information to come across.

Micah: Right. There’s a huge difference between just being somebody from Voldemort’s old hood, and being the one who actually lived on his family property.

Laura: He also brings up Bertha Jorkins, who, of course, that disappearance is also very recent, and mentions that she vanished in the place that Voldemort was last known to be, which was Albania. And then, of course, covers Crouch Senior disappearing on the Hogwarts grounds. I don’t understand why this isn’t a huge red flag that they’ve been infiltrated. Dumbledore says it almost in passing; he’s like, “And Crouch Senior, which happened right here…” It’s like, you’re going to let this third task go on when these strange disappearances that you think are linked to Voldemort are happening, and one of them happened on your grounds? But how are we feeling about Dumbledore at this point?

Morgan: Yeah, this chapter was when I started realizing, “Okay, maybe I’ll cut Dumbledore some slack,” because I know a lot of people don’t like him and what he did with Harry, but I think he was as open as he could be. He was answering Harry’s questions, but he also was keeping in mind Harry is still 14, which was wild for me to realize as I was reading it again. I’m like, “Oh, wow.” Thinking about 14-year-olds now, that’s so young. But Dumbledore, I think, was doing a good job balancing giving information but not giving too much, so I feel for Dumbledore, because he probably doesn’t know how to handle this accurately or in the healthiest way possible.

Andrew: And meanwhile, Harry is about to compete in the third task. He doesn’t need extra stress on top of the Triwizard Tournament and his own stress that comes with this mystery that he’s been trying to figure out himself.

Laura: You know what else he doesn’t need? He doesn’t need to participate in the third task.

[Morgan laughs]

Laura: There doesn’t need to be a third task, or…

Andrew: There really shouldn’t be.

Laura: Do we really believe at this point that the Goblet would smite Harry and all the other champions if they canceled the tournament?

Andrew: Yeah, I mean, a reasonable headmaster or team of people running this cup, this tournament, would be like, “Out of an abundance of caution -” isn’t that the phrase that’s so often used? ” – we have decided to postpone the Triwizard Tournament.” At least postpone it. You don’t have to cancel it; just put it on ice for a little while.

Laura: Yeah, just do like they did with student loans for four years and just be like, “Meh.”

[Micah and Morgan laugh]

Laura: “Don’t worry about those.” [laughs]

Andrew: But I also wonder if Dumbledore… if we’re still going along with your theory that Dumbledore wanted Harry to look in the Pensieve, I wonder if Dumbledore wanted Harry to have all this information right before the third task. Maybe he thought it would better prepare him in case something went awry at the third task, but that’s a pretty messed up thought because it’s like, well, Dumbledore actually thought something might happen at the third task. The next chapter is the third task. This is happening right before then.

Laura: Right.

Andrew: So I don’t want to think Dumbledore is giving it to him right before the third task on purpose to better prepare him, but I don’t know. The timing is a little interesting too. Now, of course, Harry did decide to go up there because he just had the dream, so there’s also that.

Micah: Part of me thinks that Dumbledore knows that shit’s about to go down because he even says, “Good luck in the third task.”

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Yeah, I know.

Micah: Like, good luck? Sorry. [imitating Dumbledore] “Good luck in the…” I don’t know. I don’t do it as well as Andrew.

Andrew: [imitating Dumbledore intensely] “Good luck in the third task!”

Micah: There you go.

[Micah and Morgan laugh]

Laura: No, that’s Trelawney.

Micah: [imitating Dumbledore calmly] “Good luck in the third task.”

Laura: You’ve got to say it with a little bit of sass, though.

Micah: Like a twinkle, yeah.

Andrew: [imitating Dumbledore like a game show host] “Good luck in the third task.”

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: That’s more like Ludo Bagman.

Laura: I hope nothing bad happens.

Andrew: You know what? I’m not a paid voice actor. I don’t need these notes, y’all. I’m giving it to you for free how I want to give it to you.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Beggars can’t be choosers.

Laura: Well, this chapter ends on a bit of a somber note with Harry realizing why Neville was raised by his grandmother. He didn’t think to ask about it until he saw the trial about what happened to the Longbottoms and until he talks to Dumbledore. So Dumbledore does ask Harry – and I think this is one of those great Dumbledore moments – he says, “Please don’t tell anyone about Neville’s parents; it’s his right to decide when he wants to tell people.”

Andrew: It’s a heartbreaking moment.

Laura: It is.

Andrew: Because Harry…

Morgan: My heart breaks for Neville.

Laura: Morgan, if you had to give Dumbledore a score based on how he handled that, 10 out of 10 or…?

Morgan: Yeah, 10 out of 10.

Laura: Cool.

Morgan: Respecting Neville’s boundaries.

Andrew: And Morgan and I will give him more props in a couple of minutes. But it’s also heartbreaking, because Neville’s parents are alive, but not. Harry’s parents are dead, and very much dead. And I guess Harry can almost see that they have this connection. Yeah, Neville’s parents are still breathing, but he’s lost them too.

Laura and Micah: Yeah.

Laura: And I mean, honestly, what happened to Neville’s parents is worse in a way. Not to play the tragedy Olympics here, but…

Andrew: [imitating Dumbledore] “A fate worse than death.”

Laura: They’re trapped in their bodies and they’ve lost their sanity.

Morgan: Yeah, and Neville really didn’t get to say goodbye.

Andrew: And he still doesn’t get to say goodbye.

Laura: Well, and he never gets to see his parents as they were, because he was also a baby when this happened to them. So this is all he’s ever known, is having to visit his parents in the hospital.


Odds & Ends


Laura: All right. Well, we’re going to try to pep ourselves up by looking at a couple of odds and ends. We mentioned earlier that Dumbledore has been corresponding with Sirius, but we also learn that Dumbledore suggested his current hiding place in the cave out on the skirts of Hogsmeade. And he’s just so matter of fact about it with Harry by being like, “Yeah, you’re not the only one who writes to Sirius. What of it?”

[Micah and Morgan laugh]

Andrew: Yeah. And of course, Sirius wants to talk to Dumbledore, too, to make sure he’s getting as much information as possible.

Laura: Right.

Andrew: And I wonder if Dumbledore ever uses this cave for anything himself. Is this a place for him to go relax and read and get away from all the kids?

Micah: Uh-huh. Hook up.

Andrew: Hook up, yeah.

Morgan: The stress of the school. [laughs]

Laura: I think Sirius has better things to do.

Andrew: Dumbledore, you mean?

Micah: Than what?

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: No, than hook up in the cave.

Micah: No, we were talking about Dumbledore.

Andrew: How did Dumbledore know about this cave?

Laura: Oh, oh, sorry. Oh yeah, he and Grindelwald definitely christened that cave.

Andrew: Ooh!

Micah: I just wanted to call out Harry for calling out Fudge on his prejudice. He does this at the beginning of the chapter when he had overheard Fudge’s comments in the prior chapter about Madame Maxime possibly being the one who stunned Krum and did something to Barty Crouch, Sr., and Harry says something along the lines, “Well, I think we would have noticed if she was lingering around. She’s kind of tall, so…”

Andrew: Takes some guts to stand up to the Minister of Magic.

Micah: Yeah, exactly. And I think it’s going to be the first of many moments for Harry. He’s getting in some practice shots now, because he’s really going to need to stand up to them in the future.


MVP of the Week


Andrew: All right, well, it’s time for MVP of the week.

[MVP of the Week music plays]

Micah: My MVP goes to Moody’s real eye.

[Laura and Morgan laugh]

Micah: I think it’s the only time it appears in the series. And of course, I’m talking about the one that is eventually covered up by the magical eye. But it’s noted that Moody has both of them in this chapter.

Laura: So this is a rare one for me: I’m actually going to give it to Harry. I feel like this never happens. I think Harry is someone who proves the old adage “Curiosity killed the cat” wrong, because not this cat. Harry has always got his nose into something, and somehow he manages to come out of it clean as a whistle. So good for you, Harry. Thanks for the exposition.

Morgan: I’ll give it to Dumbledore, and Harry was a close second, but I think Dumbledore was just so patient and calm, and I think he is doing the best that he can do with the information that he has, so I loved his explanations.

Andrew: Yeah, the way he handled Harry visiting his memories, like you said, he was very calm. Harry was asking a lot of questions that he answered very well. And talking about, just a few minutes ago, how he handled explaining the Longbottoms to Harry too. I mean, I thought Dumbledore was just masterful in this chapter, so I plus one this MVP of the week choice.

Micah: Masterfully vague.

[Morgan laughs]

Andrew: If you have any feedback about today’s discussion, you can contact us by emailing or sending a voice memo recorded on your phone to MuggleCast@gmail.com, or you can call us with an old school telephone. The number is 1-920-3-MUGGLE; that’s 1-920-368-4453. We do prefer the voice memos; they sound much better audio quality-wise. And no matter how you call us, please keep your message around a minute so that we can fit in as many voicemails as possible in a future Muggle Mail installment. And next week – ugh – Goblet of Fire Chapter 31, “The Third Task” in which no one saw this coming.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Fakey did.

Andrew: The important people who could have stopped it didn’t see it coming.

[Micah laughs]


Quizzitch


Andrew: So now it’s time for Quizzitch.

[Quizzitch music plays]

Micah: All right, last week’s Quizzitch question: At Ludo Bagman’s trial, what Quidditch match does a jury member congratulate him on? And the correct answer was England versus Turkey. Last week’s winners include Buff Daddy; Dumby + Pizza Hut = happiness…

[Andrew gasps]

[Laura and Morgan laugh]

Andrew: [imitating Dumbledore] “That is so true.”

Micah: … Elizabeth K.; I fall asleep listening to Jim Dale every night is that bad?; hot-goat-summer; How did Buckbeak get into Sirius’s cave because the opening was barely big enough for the trio…

Andrew: Huh.

Micah: … I only remember the answer because of the way Jim Dale says “Turkey” in the audiobook…

[Morgan laughs]

Micah: That’s not how he says it. Well, actually, I’ve never listened, so I don’t know. Jenpen1013; Knock the stuffing out of the Turkey with a rogue Bludger; Ooh, I heard it through the Snapevine…

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: … Quaffle and waffle; and Robbie.

Andrew: I heard he actually screams “Turkey” in the audiobook; that’s why it sticks with people. It’s just so random.

Micah: Oh.

Andrew: He’s just like, “England versus TURKEY!”

Micah: [laughs] Does he say it in that New Jersey accent?

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Oh my God, never accuse me of having a New Jersey accent again.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Micah: All right, next week’s Quizzitch question: Which Weasley family members are not present for the third task? You must list them all. And of course, you can submit your answers over at MuggleCast.com/Quizzitch.

Andrew: This show is brought to you by Muggles like you and Morgan. Thanks for joining us again today, Morgan, and thanks for your support on Patreon. We really appreciate it.

Morgan: Oh, thank you. This was so much fun. Thank you for having me.

Andrew: We thankfully don’t have a Ministry of Magic or a Fudge running this show; we’re just everyday Muggles conjuring an independent podcast, but that means we need support from listeners like you. So how can you help us out? If you’re an Apple Podcasts user, you can subscribe to MuggleCast Gold, which gets you ad-free and early access to MuggleCast, plus two bonus MuggleCast installments every month, including one we’re about to record after today’s episode. Check out the last bonus MuggleCast released last week, too, in which we’re discussing the latest video game news. So there’s that, but then there’s also Patreon.com/MuggleCast, and don’t forget, you can get our new 19 Years Later T-shirt, only available by pledging at the Slug Club level at Patreon.com/MuggleCast before July 19. And don’t forget that you also need to fill out that form. New and existing patrons must fill out the order form, because we’ve got to know your address and we’ve got to know your shirt size. We got shirts for everyone, and we got sizes from extra small to 5XL. So there will be a shirt for everyone, but we need you to fill out that form with peace and love, peace and love. July 19 for the 19 Years Later T-shirt. Thank you with peace and love.

Micah: Peace and love.

[Morgan laughs]

Andrew: And thanks again for your support! We couldn’t do it without you.

Micah: And just a quick reminder, in a few weeks from now, Eric, ChloĆ©, and myself will be at LeakyCon, July 5-7, taking place at the Oregon Convention Center in Portland, Oregon. We have some dates and times to share with you all, so if you’re going to be out in Portland, please join us for the MuggleCast meetup, which is taking place on Friday, July 5. Then we also have a podcaster mega panel and a live MuggleCast taking place on Saturday, and to close out the convention, a joint LeakyMug with Pottercast on Sunday, July 7. For all the information related to the convention, head over to LeakyCon.com, and if you haven’t registered yet, you can do so using code “Muggle” to get a nice little discount on your tickets.

Andrew: Visit MuggleCast.com for transcripts, social media links, our full episode archive, our favorite episodes, and more. And Morgan, where can listeners find your podcast, That Nerd Thing?

Morgan: They could find it anywhere that they listen to podcasts, and then you can also follow the show on social media at @ThatNerdThingPod.

Andrew: Well, thanks again, Morgan. And thanks, everybody, for listening. I’m Andrew.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: I’m Laura.

Morgan: And I’m Morgan.

Andrew: Bye, everyone.

Laura: Bye, y’all.

Micah and Morgan: Bye.

Andrew: [imitating Dumbledore] Bye.

Micah: Bye, Dumby.

Transcript #662

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #662, Potter or Pizza? (GOF Chapter 29, The Dream)


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into the Wizarding World fandom. I’m Andrew.

Eric Scull: I’m Eric.

Micah Tannenbaum: I’m Micah.

Laura Tee: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: Get ready to be undoubtedly stimulated by the extraordinary clairvoyant vibrations of this podcast because this week we’re discussing Goblet of Fire Chapter 29, “The Dream.” And to help us with this week’s discussion is one of our Slug Club patrons, Feryal! Welcome, Feryal, to MuggleCast.

Feryal: Thank you. I’m happy to be here.

Andrew: It’s a pleasure to have you. Thank you so much for your support over the years; we really appreciate it. And to kick things off, why don’t we get your fandom ID?

Feryal: Sure. So my Hogwarts house is Ravenclaw. My Ilvermorny House is Horned Serpent. My Patronus is a fox. My favorite book is Half-Blood Prince. My favorite movie is the Deathly Hallows – Part 1 and 2 combined. And my favorite character is Dumbledore because I also worship chaos, just like he does.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: I love it.

Eric: Oh, you’re that kind of Ravenclaw. Okay.

Feryal: I am that kind of Ravenclaw. [laughs]

Andrew: This is why Feryal is on this week. I was like, “I can’t take it anymore. I need an assistant to help me, to help me back up Dumbledore.”

[Feryal laughs]

Laura: Hey, we’ve got a majority Ravenclaw panel today, so I’m excited for that.

Feryal: Nice.

Andrew: Couple of announcements before we jump into Chapter by Chapter: First of all, as we announced at the very beginning of last week’s episode, we have a brand new pop culture podcast that’s available right here in this feed; it’s called What the Hype?! We’re exploring different areas of pop culture each week. The feedback has been really great so far, so thank you to everybody who has listened, and if you haven’t listened yet, please do check it out. We think you will really enjoy it.

Eric: It’s so great to be doing a fresh, new, exciting podcast about even more topics about which we are passionate, so definitely worth the time. So far, we’ve heard nothing but wonderful things from our listeners who’ve given it a shot, including some lovely comments on social from people we weren’t expecting, so that’s very nice.

Laura: Yeah. We’re also on YouTube, so you can actually see the video versions of these shows on YouTube. We’re also going to have some extra content that we put up in the form of reaction videos to shows that are coming out right now and in the months ahead. So if you’re clamoring to see somebody talk about the show that you just watched that you need to talk to somebody about, but you don’t have a friend who’s super into Bridgerton, for example, we will be your Bridgerton friends. Come check us out on YouTube.

Feryal: Just finished watching Season 3 today, so I will listen to the Bridgerton one, yes.

Andrew: Awesome!

Laura: Yep, you’ve got to check them out. They’re so fun.

Micah: The show is so good that I was outed by one of my colleagues in the midst of a work meeting. We told this story on Millennial this past week, but I have many a colleague that have now signed up to subscribe to What the Hype?!, and they’re very intrigued by it. They really like the concept, and they’re going to be listening to future episodes.

Andrew: Awesome, good. And we’re tooting our own horns here…

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: … but I will say, it is a new show. We’re very receptive to feedback, so if you have any, please do let us know. It will be a journey for all of us, but we came up with a format that we’re very excited about, and we hope you enjoy it, too, and we’ll continue to improve as time goes on.

Eric: Honestly, here’s a bet with the audience: Give me 60 seconds of your time. Click on any episode of What the Hype?!; you’re going to hear the theme song…

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: … and if you can put the show down after you hear our best theme song that we’ve ever done, better than the, I mean, even… I don’t want to say, but it’s up there with the MuggleCast theme song for one of the coolest podcast theme songs.

Andrew: Yeah, this What the Hype?! one, we actually paid for.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: I mean, I don’t remember how we got “Arry” by Advanced Potion-Making, and they were cool with letting us use that for MuggleCast. I don’t remember or know that story, but…

Andrew: [laughs] I think we just said, “Can we have that song? That’s cool.” They were like, “Yeah.” We were like, “Okay, cool.” And that was it. [laughs]

Eric: So thanks to Advanced Potion-Making, and also thanks to the guy we paid to do the What the Hype?! song.

Andrew: All right, check out WhatTheHypePodcast.com for more details about the show. Also, actually, honestly, MuggleCast has been cooking over the last couple of months, because not only have we been working on that, but we have been working on this year’s annual gift for MuggleCast patrons, and we are very excited to reveal it this week. This year’s physical gift for Slug Club patrons is the MuggleCast 19 Years Later T-shirt!

Eric: Yay!

Andrew: Da-da-da-da-da!

Laura: It looks so cool.

Andrew: So longtime listeners of the show might know that back in 2005 we created what we later ended up calling the MuggleCast Squares T-shirt design, and it’s got silhouettes of the original MuggleCast co-hosts. Well, now we’ve recreated that design, but with the four MuggleCast co-hosts that join you every week; we’ve updated the design. We’ve popped in some very nice new colors, and it says “19 Years Later” at the bottom. It’s got, of course, the iconic mic bolt on the front too. It’s a really awesome T-shirt. It’s going to be the same T-shirt brand and style that we used for the MuggleCast 15th anniversary T-shirt that Eric is modeling off right now. It’s very comfortable, right, Eric? It’s a nice shirt.

Eric: Very comfortable. Indeed.

Andrew: And it’s held up for the last four or five years, so we were like, “Let’s use the same shirt, because we know we can depend on it.” [laughs]

Eric: If it ain’t broke.

Andrew: If it ain’t broke, we’ll get you another one, but with a different thing on the front of it.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: That’s our tagline this year.

Eric: I’m so glad we’re not doing mugs this year.

Andrew: Yes, those are breakable.

Eric: I say that every year.

Andrew: [laughs] Check it out; it’s a very cool design. You’ll see it on social media. If you are not a patron right now, you can sign up at Patreon.com/MuggleCast. Join at the Slug Club level, and you will become eligible to receive the T-shirt in a couple of months. We need you to be a patron for a couple of months before we send you the T-shirt. Existing patrons are already able to fill out the form, and we will get a shirt to you hopefully late July, early August. Probably, actually, sometime in August, just in time for our 19th birthday. So yeah, we thought we had to do a 19 Years Later T-shirt, because this is the epilogue year. This is MuggleCast’s epilogue year.

Eric: Not to say that we’re ending. We plan to keep going.

Andrew: Of course, of course.

Eric: But this is the year where we embrace being middle-aged.

Andrew: Yes.

[Micah laughs]

Laura: And when we create spinoffs, they won’t suck.

Andrew: Oh, okay. Can we do a stage show?

[Feryal and Laura laugh]

Eric: In two parts.

Laura: Can you imagine?

Micah: Well, isn’t What the Hype?! our spinoff?

Laura: Yeah, exactly.

Eric: It’s great. Check it out now.

Andrew: Of course, by pledging on Patreon, you don’t just get a T-shirt; you also get access to our livestreams, ad-free MuggleCast, early access to MuggleCast episodes, a Zoom hangout with the four of us, the MuggleCast Collector’s Club… there’s lots of benefits, so check it all out at Patreon.com/MuggleCast. We couldn’t do it without you. And you also get bonus MuggleCast episodes, and we’re recording a new one this week after we finish recording Episode 662. We’ve got some video game news to talk about. There’s updates to Hogwarts Legacy, and finally, the Quidditch game has a release date, so we’ll talk about all that in bonus MuggleCast this week.

Micah: And just one news item I wanted to bring up: It’s not often that worlds collide for me – even though I just mentioned one of my colleagues outing me about What the Hype?! during a work meeting – but this was a little bit of news over the last week or so. As some listeners may know, the Boston Celtics are in the NBA Finals, and they swept the Indiana Pacers prior to getting there, so they actually had a lot of time in between the end of the Eastern Conference Finals and the start of the NBA Finals. And a reporter asked one of their guards, Jaylen Brown, a question, and that question was, “What are you doing with your spare time?” And he said, “Well, I’m not like the other guys; I’m single, I don’t have a family, so I’ve been binge-watching Harry Potter.”

Andrew and Laura: Aww.

Laura: That’s so sweet.

Micah: And yeah, favorite character is Dumbledore, and he actually really likes Hermione. And more to come there, I think. But it was very cool.

Andrew: [laughs] More to come?

Eric: So the next step is you’re going to get his phone number.

Andrew: Yeah, get him on MuggleCast. We all fell into Harry Potter the same way. We were all single and bored, and we were like, “Oh, this Harry Potter book looks good. Let me give it a try.”

[Eric and Feryal laughs]

Eric: We were single because we were 14.

Micah: But it’s very cool because you still see – we mentioned Kierra earlier – but Harry Potter still being new and fresh to people and getting to enjoy it for the first time. And everybody seems to enjoy the series; it’s not just limited to one particular group of people.

Andrew: Yeah. That’s a good reminder.

Feryal: That’s true.


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Andrew: Okay, it’s time for Chapter by Chapter, and this week we’re discussing Goblet of Fire Chapter 29, “The Dream.” And we’ll start with our seven-word summary.

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

Andrew: Oh, it’s me to start. Crap. I should’ve thought of this in advance. [laughs]

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: “Crap.”

Andrew: No, no. Sirius…

Laura: … grounds…

Feryal: … Harry…

Micah: … because…

Eric: … he…

Andrew: … is…

Laura: [laughs] What do I do here?

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Naughty.

Andrew: Gutsy.

Micah: Stupid.

Laura: Naughty, okay.

Micah: Reckless.

Eric: Naughty. There we go.

Laura: I like naughty. I like naughty. At first, I was like, “Wait, are we going to say because he is Daddy? Because Sirius is stepping in as the father figure?” But honestly, saying he is Daddy has a different connotation.

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Laura: He is “naughty” is much better.

Andrew: And “naughty Daddy” would be even worse.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Yeah, I like this seven-word summary. It’s kind of like the pot calling the kettle Sirius Black a little…

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: … but we’ll get into that when Harry gets his letter.


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Eric: So yes, the chapter opens with some plot stuff. We’re just kind of going to skip it out, skip over it for time, because it’s the trio discussing Crouch and the disappearance of the previous chapter. But what I find really enjoyable is that in this chapter, as our seven-word summary alludes to, Harry is grounded, but not just by Sirius. It’s by Moody – or Fakey – as well, but for different reasons. So one of the first things the trio does is go and find Mad-Eye Moody; they want to know if he successfully found Crouch Senior, but he says, “Nope, I didn’t.” And it’s kind of a shame, because it seems like that mystery was coming toward closure, that we were going to have some resolution there, or some exciting answers, but we don’t.

Micah: No, we don’t. But in talking about Moody, I did want to bring something up because I was listening to last week’s episode, and sometimes you have those moments, when you’re re-listening to episodes, about, “Wait, how did we not bring this up? How did we not talk about this?” And I do recognize that we see Fudge a little bit later in this chapter, and we do get a bit of a touch point with the Ministry, but where in the world is the Ministry the night that this takes place? Why didn’t Dumbledore sound the alarm literally the minute he found Krum Stunned and Barty Crouch, Sr. missing? I think there should have been a massive forest search party, no bone unturned.

[Everyone laughs]

Feryal: Oh, boy.

Andrew: Serious question: Would the search party in the forest involve the kids? Or are we talking adults only, Ministry…?

Micah: No, I’m talking about a full-blown Ministry search. Thinking back to what happened at the Quidditch World Cup, get the Aurors in here. I understand Mad-Eye is here, but I’m talking about like when you call the police and the police show up to investigate something. [laughs] I know it’s Hogwarts, but come on.

Laura: [laughs] And that’s your answer, honestly. I was going to say, are you surprised that Dumbledore didn’t stop to think “Maybe we should call in some kind of law enforcement or Aurors, investigators, somebody”?

[“It’s starting to sound like a security nightmare!” sound effect plays with sirens]

[Feryal and Laura laugh]

Eric: Oh, the sound effect is back.

Laura: Thank you for that. Yeah, it’s typical. Typical Dumbledore.

Eric: Yeah, it makes… it’s funny because people keep just being like, “Oh, Dumbledore is the safest person,” or Crouch, for instance, when he was next to death was still like, “Dumbledore! Got to see Dumbledore!” Everyone knows Dumbledore is so good, it’s probably gotten to Dumbledore’s head where he’s like, “Why would I call the Ministry? They’ll only get in my awesome way.”

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: And Crouch wanted to specifically see Dumbledore, right?

Andrew and Eric: Right.

Micah: He was seeking him out in particular. But Dumbledore is all good with tasking Moody with the responsibility and going back up to the castle, so it just… it was something that came to mind when I was listening last week.

Laura: I guess it does say something that Crouch wanted to go to Dumbledore and not Fudge.

Eric: Right, he could have really tried to make it to the Ministry, where he would have been maybe even more protected.

Andrew: But also, think about… I guess time is of the essence here, and sure, they could send a message to the Ministry. You would think Dumbledore’s got a bat phone in his office where he can quickly reach them…

[Laura laughs]

Eric: I love that.

Andrew: … but Dumbledore might be thinking “It’s faster if we take matters into our own hands rather than getting the Ministry out here.” Feryal, it looks like you may have wanted to make a comment here, and I want to give you the floor since you’re a Dumbledore super fan.

Feryal: I just wonder how much of it plays into… I mean, this comes up in the later books when we see when Dumbledore found the Horcruxes, and he seems to have a little bit of morbid curiosity when it comes as well. Even before he tells anyone about the Horcruxes, he gets affected. But he had the ring and then the ring curses him, and then he gets Snape involved and Snape is like, “Dude, why didn’t you come to me first?”

[Eric laughs]

Feryal: And Dumbledore is like, “Oh, I thought I could handle this on my own, because I’m Dumbledore.” So I wonder if a lot of… I love Dumbledore, but he’s a little bit of a megalomaniac sometimes as well, so maybe he thought he was the most qualified person to handle it because that is…

Andrew: On his own school grounds.

Feryal: On his own school grounds, yeah. He comes across very humble, but as you find out later, I don’t think humility is one of his defining characteristics, so maybe he wanted to handle it on his own first.

Laura: Yeah. Well, and to be fair, he probably wants to keep the Ministry out of Hogwarts as much as possible because we see what happens in the next book when the Ministry does get their fingers in the mix and what things at the school look like at that point, so…

Eric: Well, and pulling that thread a little further, couldn’t Crouch have gone out of his way to try and get to the Ministry? I’m thinking he’d be more protected there because of colleagues, coworkers, right? If he’s out in the open. But then it occurred to me that, oh, Dumbledore is probably the only person – the only adult wizard – who would take the threat of Voldemort seriously enough for what Crouch needs to convey. The fact that… Crouch Senior knows Voldemort is back in some form, having been placed under his curse or been trapped by him all these months, and so it does make sense that he would identify Dumbledore as being the person he could tell about that, because even if there’s more people at the Ministry, none of them are officially going to believe him, necessarily.

Feryal: Near the end of the chapter, too, when Fudge is talking to Dumbledore, doesn’t Fudge bring up the fact that he doesn’t think there’s any connection between Crouch disappearing and Bertha’s disappearance?

Eric: He’s unwilling to link the two.

Feryal: Yeah, I think whatever correspondence has been happening between Fudge and Dumbledore, Fudge is already really skeptical about whatever conclusions Dumbledore is drawing, so that probably played into it too.

Laura: Yeah, I agree. And I think that for all the negative things that we can say about Crouch Senior – and we’ve certainly shared some of them in the last couple of episodes – he is first and foremost concerned about Dark wizards and their activities, and I find it really hard to believe that he would have no idea that there are former Death Eaters among the ranks at the Ministry. He knows a lot of the ones who got let off, and a lot of the names who kind of skirted by because they never got officially caught, so he also knows that there are people working at the Ministry who are sympathetic to Voldemort’s cause, and if they were presented with even a small sign that he might be coming back, might not be advantageous for him to share.

Eric: Well, and that makes me wonder, does he not know where his own son is? It’s getting to be like, 9:00 p.m. Doesn’t he know where Barty Crouch, Jr. is?

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: The fact that he’s employed by Dumbledore at the moment… it strikes me that Crouch Senior may actually not know that by going to Hogwarts, he’s putting himself directly in front of his son who wants to end him. It seems like a crazy oversight if he doesn’t realize that his son… because he knows his son escaped, because at the Quidditch World Cup, that’s obvious that Winky is not with him. So he has to assume that his son is out there somewhere. Maybe he thinks he’s safest with Dumbledore. Again, it goes back to being safest as Dumbledore, but nobody, I guess, suspects that Barty Crouch, Jr. is right there.

Laura: Yeah. But Senior is also under the Imperius Curse at this point.

Eric: Well, he’s escaped it.

Laura: Well, he’s fighting it.

Eric: But the fighting it part, not the succumbing to it part, is what drove him to Hogwarts.

Laura: Right. But I don’t know that he would necessarily make the connection that that’s where Barty Crouch, Jr. was. I mean, for all we know, he might have thought that he was just on the lam. He was just running away, hiding out.

Micah: It’s not like the movie. [laughs]

Laura: Who knows if he knows the extent of the plans, right?

Eric: It’s definitely not like the movie. Yeah, that’s for sure.

Laura: No. [laughs]

Eric: Speaking more of the Ministry here, when the trio do get to Moody’s office and they do get to talk to him, Moody is the one that says, “The Ministry actually has it handled from here, Potter. Nice work. You should be focusing, Harry, on the third task,” and Fakey actually deputizes Ron and Hermione. He’s like, “You two, help him with the curses. Help him figure it out. And don’t worry, Potter, the adults are taking it,” and he literally convinces Harry that everything’s fine; it’s going to be handed over to the Ministry. And so by telling him not to try and explore further, Fakey himself is taking the heat off of himself, because it was such a close call in the last chapter between Harry discovering what Fakey was doing, and now this is a really clever way, I think, of diffusing all of that heat, is by telling Harry, “Hey, I’m an ex-Auror. The Ministry is going to take it here, Potter. You don’t need to worry about it.”

Andrew: Yeah, and he does take the heat off himself, but I’m also wondering if Fakey is a little spooked, because he is impressed by Harry and Hermione’s investigative work; he even says that they should be Aurors. I’m wondering if he was actually a little scared. But yes, you’re right, and I think being kids, they’re inclined to believe what the trusted authority figure is saying about the government. They’re just not going to think about it any further. This is Moody; he’s a respectable figure who Dumbledore loves or respects.

Feryal: I think this is the first time that the kids have any reason to… after we find out everything about Moody, it’s the first time they actually have a reason to distrust authority explicitly, especially finding out that there’s nefarious things going on within the Ministry. Because if I remember before this, the only antagonistic relationship Harry had with any teacher is Snape, but that’s just because Snape singled him out all the time. And Lockhart wasn’t much of a threat; he was just a doofus, and no one was taking him seriously.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Feryal: But after this book, in the next book, I think they’re already really primed to have that really hostile relationship that they end up having with Umbridge because they’re already… their antenna are probably really up after the betrayal with Moody comes out.

Laura: Yeah, for sure. Sets up Order of the Phoenix.

Micah: I really like, though, Andrew, your point about Moody being spooked, and the reason why I say that, too, is it’s noted in the text how he doesn’t appear to be his normal self. He’s tired, he’s disheveled, almost worn down to a point. And there’s a chapter in this book that’s titled “The Unexpected Task,” and I think this was definitely not on his radar in terms of things that he was going to have to handle during his time at Hogwarts.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: And regardless of what his relationship has been to his father, this could not have been an easy thing for him to do. Happy Father’s Day, everybody, for those celebrating here in the US this weekend.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: I think it is weighing on him, and it’s noticeable in his appearance. And he frequently sips his hip flask in this chapter. And shame on Hermione, by the way; can she not smell Polyjuice Potion? Is it odorless?

[Andrew and Feryal laugh]

Micah: I don’t think it is odorless. I think it stinks. And anyway, that’s for another time.

Andrew: That’s a good point, yeah. Fakey almost had his own Scooby-Doo “I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids” moment. [laughs]

Eric: Right. You’re right. All of that is a good point, Micah, and I’m just loving how in this moment, Moody/Fakey gets to be the good guy. He’s the one who’s telling them that it’s good, that it got close, and he even reminds Ron and Hermione of their past laurels. He brings up that Hermione, too, should be an Auror. Secretly, inside he’s probably like, “Oh God, oh God, these kids are too good for their own good.” But he ultimately is able to remind them of their triumph figuring out how to get to the Sorcerer’s Stone. Ron is begging to be included in Moody’s praise here, and sort of gets in. But it’s through reminding the trio of their past successes that he’s able to misdirect or guide them instead to focusing on the third task, which is exactly what he wants. He wants them to… these people are a threat to him. He needs them focused somewhere else, and the third task is as good as any of a direction for them to be looking.

Laura: And what I love about this is he says, “Oh yeah, Dumbledore told me about everything you did to get to the Sorcerer’s Stone in your first year.” And knowing what we know, I think we can assume it was actually Voldemort who gave Barty Crouch, Jr. that information. [laughs]

Eric: Possibly, yeah.

Laura: I just don’t see Dumbledore being the type to bring Moody into the school, sit him down, and be like, “So let me tell you about some crazy stuff these kids did four years ago.”

Andrew: [imitating Dumbledore] “Get a load of this.”

Laura: I mean, they freed Sirius Black last year. They solved the Chamber of Secrets the year before that. It just seems odd that Dumbledore would just bring that up, so it feels like background context that Voldemort gave to Crouch Junior to get closer.

Eric: More discussion in a moment on this awesome chapter, but let’s hear a word from our sponsors.

[Ad break]

Andrew: One thing that Harry mentions is it seemed very clear to him that Barty, he had lost his mind. Something was very wrong with him. But when he was talking about the need to see Dumbledore, that’s when he seemed sanest. And I was wondering what y’all made of that. Is it because it happened most recently in everything that he’s talking about? Is it because it’s of the utmost importance to see Dumbledore? Why does he speak about Dumbledore with such clarity, and does this even matter? I just… that struck me, that he was coherent when it came to Dumbledore, about the need to see Dumbledore, but everything else was…

Micah: Yeah. This is just me… the way I’m looking at this is we’re looking… well, we’re all looking at this through Harry’s perspective, so what’s important to Harry becomes important to us, and I think maybe the only thing familiar to Harry that really made any sense was this Dumbledore moment. It may not… I don’t know. Maybe… do you know what I’m trying to say? It’s the familiarity of hearing Dumbledore’s name that likely led him to feel like this was when Crouch was the most sane, as opposed to other moments where perhaps he was sane, but Harry just doesn’t have the same level of familiarity with it.

Laura: Yeah. I’m actually looking at that part of the chapter, and I think part of it might be that for a lot of this interaction or experience Harry has with Crouch Senior, he’s not in the present tense. He’s talking about things that happened sometimes 15 years ago, sometimes eight months ago, but now all of a sudden he’s talking about needing to see Dumbledore now, and that’s a present-day touchstone that Harry can understand. It’s pretty clear that Crouch does not know where he is in terms of timelines throughout this. [laughs]

Eric: Yeah, but the way it’s written is exactly the way Harry then says it is, that when his eyes stop rolling – or when he stops meandering, when he’s focused – he’s telling Harry that he needs to see Dumbledore. And so in the writing it’s a very clear distinction. Also, I think Harry has a sixth sense about this kind of thing. Harry has been waiting for the other shoe to drop. He’s been waiting to figure out what’s going on with You-Know-Who, and so the idea that Crouch would show up out of the blue, as surprising as that is, but then also be asking for Dumbledore, feels right. He’s not there to see anybody else. He’s not like, “Take me to see Madam Sprout.” Dumbledore just… it just feels like the most pressing matter, so I think Harry is more likely to treat that as with heavier weight, that it’s the more pressing and sane thing to be asking for.

Andrew: He can also just relate to the need to see Dumbledore. [laughs]

Eric: Can’t we all?

Andrew: It’s his own excuse.

Eric: Dumbledore needs to come out of his locked tower and spend more time with the children.

Andrew: Oh, we have ideas on that, but we’ll get to that later.

Eric: Yeah. So moving to the other person, the second adult that grounds Harry besides Moody, who says, “Focus on the task.” Sirius, the trio send him a letter. They bump into Fred and George when they do, and the letter comes back. And surprise, surprise, Sirius is starting to sound like Hagrid here a minute. He says, “It was a stupid idea for you to go walking in the woods with Krum.” But I don’t think he’s being racist; I actually think what he means is that “You are unguarded, unprotected, etc.” Sirius has very real concern for Harry’s safety, so his advice to Harry is, “Promise me that you won’t go out of Gryffindor tower at night. Send me a letter back telling me that you won’t go out at night.”

Andrew: “Confirm in writing,” yeah.

Eric: “And here are some charms to practice while you don’t do that other thing,” which is great.

Andrew: It must be painful for Sirius to have to take a back seat here in a way. He can’t just physically visit Harry on the grounds of Hogwarts and pull him away; he’s at the mercy of whatever Harry feels like doing one evening. So I can see why Sirius is so stressed about this, and as we know, he’s been very worried about something being afoot this entire book, pretty much.

Laura: I just think it’s funny that he thinks telling Harry “Write back and confirm that you won’t sneak out at night” is going to do anything.

[Andrew and Feryal laugh]

Eric: It kind of works. It does, though.

Micah: It should’ve been an Unbreakable Vow.

Eric: Oh, wow.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: It should have been a pen that etches what you’re writing in blood on the back of your head.

Eric: Yeah, “I will not go out at night.”

Laura: Either that or your face erupts in pimples.

Feryal: This is getting really dark.

Micah: This is an interesting moment for Harry, though, because he hasn’t had a parental figure like this before…

Eric: Aw.

Micah: … and so defiance is an easy response when you haven’t had somebody to really tell you what you should be doing in the way that a parent does, so that is probably why he is a little bit frustrated here. And also, let’s remember who we’re talking about here: Sirius Black, one of the Marauders, one of the people who would just get out and do whatever he wanted around the grounds of the school late at night with his three best friends. So it’s a little bit tongue in cheek for Sirius to be telling Harry what to do, but…

Eric: It’s a little rich.

Andrew: But didn’t Harry have the same feeling in this chapter? He’s like, “Who’s he to talk?” and Hermione is like, “He cares!”

Eric: He’s mildly surprised, but Sirius does care. I think the fact that Sirius spent so much time out of the bounds and is telling Harry to stay put in the tower matters more. It has more meaning that Sirius is like, “No, you’ve got to stay safe,” because Sirius points out that rightly so, there is somebody very dangerous who is still running around Hogwarts completely unchecked.

Micah: Just like the last book. [laughs]

Eric: Yeah, well… [laughs] But this time, that person actively put Harry’s name in the Goblet, and so presumably, is using that to get him in danger.

Micah: I will say I agree with you, Eric, about Sirius’s intentions here and the fact that someone is out to get Harry, and Krum’s headmaster just happens to be a former Death Eater, which Sirius informed Harry about. Why wouldn’t you be concerned? You don’t know what Krum’s intentions are. We all know he’s a good guy, right? We fleshed that out on last week’s episode. But it’s really reckless on Harry’s part, and he deserves to be reprimanded for it.

Laura: Yeah, like we said, Harry clearly doesn’t listen to true crime podcasts, and it shows.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: So Harry begrudgingly does write that letter back. But what I love most about Sirius getting the opportunity to do some godfathering is that Sirius actually has a list of very real applicable things for Harry to study. So he’s grounding Harry, but he’s also like, “Here’s what you should work on.” And this is good, because if we remember way back to the fireplace conversation that Harry had with Sirius before the first task, Sirius was about to recommend how to overcome the dragon but then he couldn’t; he got cut off because Ron came into the room. This time, Sirius is able to finish his thought and actually give some advice to Harry about practical spells, things to practice specifically. And I just love it, because it’s a completed darn sentence that Sirius actually gets to do some godfathering here.

Andrew: There’s so many different directions he could go to prepare for the third task. To your point, it’s nice to be told, “Okay, here’s what you should really focus on. Just focus on these things.”

Eric: Yeah, he could get really into the weeds about what beasts might be there or whatever and then be looking up these beasts in books and things, but what Sirius gives him advice on is things like Disarming and Stunning, which can be used on a wide variety of stuff. They’re endlessly applicable. It’s just good defensive magic.

Feryal: I think it also makes a nice contrast to… Harry only has three people in the world that he’s actually listening to at this point, right? Ron, Hermione, and Sirius, and Sirius giving advice on practical hexes is a nice counterpoint to Hermione, whose advice tends to always be more practical. She goes out and goes into the books and does all the research, so it’s a nice balance. I mean, we have Ron, and bless his heart, but he’s not always offering particularly useful advice. [laughs] He does offer himself up for Stunning, so you have to give him that.

Eric: Yeah, that’s a good point, Feryal. I think that apart from chess, everything that Ron knows is learned by the same time, or at the same time, by Harry. Ron doesn’t offer, in terms of practical spells or training or teaching, anything that – and he can’t – anything that Harry doesn’t already know.

Feryal: Someone made a nice point in the Discord: “What if Sirius decided to guilt trip Harry by telling him about how his dad died?”

Andrew: “Here’s what happens when you get in trouble, when you don’t listen to rules.”

Feryal: “When you don’t listen to rules, your parents die, Harry.”

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: And doesn’t Lupin do that to him in Prisoner of Azkaban? Or is that a movie-ism? I can’t remember.

Feryal: That’s in the book.

Laura: So he’s already gotten it from one Marauder. Can you imagine if he got that from Sirius too?

Eric: Eh, Sirius wouldn’t be that uncool. I know he’s still in his prison garb over there, but he’s…

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Eric: He commits other faux pas. Anyway, so we get to this brief scene where the trio are practicing their Stuns, and Ron is target practice, which is great. That’s fine. It’s good to make himself useful.

[Eric and Feryal laugh]

Eric: It hurts; apparently you can’t control where or how you fall, and Ron is getting sick of it, but he suggests Hermione try, and then she’s just like, “I think Harry’s got it.”

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Eric: It’s just a hilarious moment between these kids. It’s so fun.

Andrew: I mean, that’s a nice thing to do for a friend, to be willing to take Stuns for them so they can prepare for the task. I’m not sure I would give myself up that way. I think I’d suggest you go and maybe try the spells on a tree, the tree that Barty was talking to.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: Would any of us do this for a friend?

Laura: No.

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: If I came to any of you and said, “Hey, I’m in the Triwizard Tournament; I got thrown into it unwillingly. Dumbledore is making me go through.”

Feryal: For my best friend, yes, but no one else.

Micah: What’s in it for me?

Andrew: Eternal glory? [laughs]

Micah: That’s in it for you.

Andrew: By way of me, yeah.

Eric: By way of… [laughs]

Andrew: I’ll let you display the Triwizard Tournament cup in your room.

Eric: Just residual…

Micah: Oh, okay.

Eric: Oh, God. Oh, it’s like the Stanley Cup; it travels. The 30 friends that helped me win this cup get to have it.

Andrew: I’ll thank you in my victory speech before God. I want to thank Micah, God… [laughs]

Feryal: Wait, so none of you would do this just to be a nice friend?

Laura: No.

Eric: I would! Only because we’re at a school where they can grow bones back. What could go wrong?

Feryal: Exactly.

Andrew: Doesn’t mean it’s okay.

Feryal: All your friends who are listening to this podcast right now are going to be like, “Okay, so we know who not to rely on.” [laughs]

Eric: Yeah, “We’re never going to ask them.” But you know what? That’s just as well, because how often do you need to practice something that really, really is harmful? I will say, this reminds me a lot of stage combat, because you have to learn how to fall. There is a right way to fall, and you can make it look good, but it’s ultimately all in how you do it. There’s a safe way to do it. And so I think the thing with Stunning, and what Ron is getting at, is they’re not practicing any of that. [laughs]

Micah: Right. He even suggests Mrs. Norris or Dobby as a possible substitute for himself, and notes that “Wouldn’t Dobby do anything for you?” [laughs]

Laura: That’s so horrible.

Feryal: Oh, geez.

Micah: It is horrible. It speaks to Ron’s character.

Laura: But at the same time, Ron is doing the same thing that he is implying Dobby would do, so what’s he saying about himself?

Eric: That he’s less good a friend?

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Well, Dobby is crazy loyal. I think the implication there is that Dobby is sort of Colin Creevey, a little obsessed with Harry, and that Ron is capable of making a self-preservational kind of denial.

Laura: Yeah, he doesn’t, though.

Micah: I think Ron just needs a bathroom break and a little bit of snack and he’d be fine.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: Well, you could give him one right now.

Laura: We know they have test dummies anyway. Yeah, bathroom break.

Eric: Bathroom break. It’s time to hear more from more of our sponsors.

[Ad break]

Eric: And it’s time to go to Divination class. Hooray. Who’s excited?

Andrew: Oh, let me put on my Trelawney glasses for this…

[Eric and Feryal laugh]

Andrew: And I can’t see anything. Yep, can’t see anything. All right, let’s do it.

Eric: Okay, okay. Well, we get up to Divination tower, and goodness, it’s hot. The lights are turned real low, the fire is there, and it’s time to talk about Mars and Neptune. Harry actually manages, I guess prior to class, starting to crack the window a little bit, and this only serves to make him, let’s say, tranquil. Do you guys remember ever going into a not well air-conditioned classroom on a hot summer day close to June, and just being like, “Man, I wish I were outside or not awake for this”?

Micah: Totally.

Laura: Yup.

Andrew: My high school didn’t have air conditioning, and then they built another high school in the same district, and they said, “We’re not putting air conditioning in this new high school either, because then that would be unfair.” [laughs] And I was like, “You’re darn right. Make them suffer just like we do at Shawnee.”

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Eric: I don’t know how that’s okay that they did that, but also, was your school at the top of a hill? And did you have to walk up that hill both ways when you were leaving and…?

Andrew: No, luckily, I had a bus. They had big fans inside each classroom, so at least there was that.

Micah: Did the bus have air conditioning?

Andrew: Yeah, I guess so.

Micah: Or did you have to pull…? Do you remember the windows you used to have to, like, push together and pull down?

Eric: Oh, it was horrible!

Andrew and Laura: Yeah.

[Micah laughs]

Eric: Yeah, I do.

Laura: The worst.

Micah: But I had a class just like this, actually, my middle school French class. I had a teacher who also used to wear overwhelming amounts of perfume, so it would be not just warm, but very similar, actually, to Trelawney and the fragrances, so it just kind of overwhelms you. I remember getting dizzy, actually, after one class.

Andrew: Aw.

Eric: So nevertheless, the environment… and we’ll talk about whether or not it’s conducive to what happens. But Harry quickly hallucinates. [laughs] No sooner does class start than Harry finds himself having the dream that’s in the name of the title, so the eponymous event occurs. Harry is flying on the back of a large eagle owl; it delivers the news to Voldemort, Wormtail, and Nagini that Barty Crouch, Sr. is dead, although it’s not said that it’s Barty Crouch, Sr. They are in Crouch’s house, it turns out, and that was the base of operations for most of the year, and Voldemort… it’s very, very interesting, because all of a sudden we’re here present in a conversation just like the first chapter in this book. We are eavesdropping on a conversation between Voldemort and Wormtail, and really, for me, this brings back the moment of the first chapter of this book that it’s like no time has passed at all. You’re those same characters, Wormtail, Voldemort, and Nagini, and they’re talking about current events, including that Wormtail almost just got fed to Nagini, and instead they plan to feed Harry to her.

Andrew: Yeah, and Harry and the reader, they don’t know at this time that it’s Crouch Senior that Voldemort is speaking about.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: But I wonder if Harry should have immediately jumped to the conclusion that it was Senior because of what just happened in the last chapter. I mean, it seems like he should be able to put the pieces together here at this point.

Laura: Right. And just wanted to point out something about Nagini eating people for dinner: So Voldemort doesn’t feed anyone to Nagini in this book, at least that we know of, but we definitely do get to see Nagini chow down on a certain Hogwarts professor in the first chapter of Deathly Hallows, so…

Micah: And I don’t know if it’s a symbolism, but snakes do eat rats. They eat mice, so…

Eric: Everybody eats mice, it turns out!

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Eric: In this book there’s so much. The owls are eating mice. Snuffles is eating mice.

Micah: Well, Wormtail is my point, but…

Eric: Oh, okay, I see what you’re doing. That’s funny. That’s really funny. Okay, so about this, the eagle owl in question is one that Harry actually witnesses traveling to Hogwarts a few chapters ago, so clever writing there. The biggest thing I want to point out from this whole dream sequence is that the point of view is kind of all over the place. Harry is actually riding on the back of the owl, which presumably he’s small, not the owl is gigantic. Then he’s kind of across the room from the bad guys. Voldemort is only ever really seen, like the back of his chair and an arm is sticking out with the wand. And then Harry is so directly in the middle of Voldemort’s casting of the Crucio Curse and Wormtail’s receiving of the Crucio Curse. So my question is, what’s going on with the point of view here? What’s happening?

Andrew: It is an interesting question, because we are getting the connection to Voldemort. I mean, because my gut says, “Well, this is what happens in dreams. Your perspective can change. It’s whatever your brain decides to do.” But since this is a connection of Voldemort, maybe there’s something else going on here.

Micah: It is strange. I also thought that maybe J.K. Rowling hadn’t fully fleshed out how the Horcrux connection was going to work, and so that’s why it’s a little bit all over the place.

Eric: It’s a good option. I also think that because maybe the fact that Harry’s point of view is across the room and then in Voldemort’s head is also because Voldemort is not fully himself yet; he’s still kind of more an aura. He has a body, but not the body that’s going to go around in the future. So maybe that sort of etherealness that’s still clinging to Voldy is why Harry is on the owl and across the room.

Micah: Right. I mean, we do see his ability to tap into other Horcruxes because this comes into play in Order of the Phoenix when he tells Dumbledore, “No, I was the snake,” and that doesn’t really jive with what’s going on here. Because as you pointed out, Eric, first he’s on the owl, then he’s in the room, then he’s also actually experiencing the pain that Wormtail is feeling. So that’s a little bit strange to me, too, that he would… why? He doesn’t have a connection to Wormtail, not yet. Or I guess he does; he has the…

Eric: Oh, yeah, the blood…

Micah: The pact, or whatever you want to call.

Andrew: Could that pain be Voldemort’s joy or excitement?

Eric: Yes, that’s a good thing. And maybe when you cast the Cruciatus Curse correctly, you feel, in some ways, the pain that you’re inflicting. So Harry is only connected to Voldemort, but he’s connected directly to Voldemort, and so if Voldemort is feeling… he’s feeling Voldemort’s joy, and he might be… maybe Voldemort is actively using… Occlumency? Legilimency? Legilimency, to also feel Pettigrew’s pain at the same time that he’s torturing him, which is sick, but explains it perfectly, I think.

Andrew: In terms of the owl, I mean, the owl could have just been him dozing off in class because of the heat and the incense. Maybe it’s not necessarily tied to Voldemort.

Eric: Yeah. So I’m also wondering if this is the moment when Voldemort might first really learn about the scar connection with Harry, unless there’s a spot in Order of the Phoenix where it’s specifically said that this is the moment when Voldemort figured it out. Harry leaves the dream in a panic; he leaves the dream in a panic because he feels that the scream that emanated from him that made all the kids in Divination freak out might be heard by Voldemort, and it’s a weird thing to put in the book if that’s not in fact what happens, that maybe, in the midst of torturing Pettigrew, Voldemort at this exact moment hears Harry screaming, and then is like, “Whoa, what? What was that?” a minute later.

Laura: Yeah, and I think we can probably draw some comparisons to Chapter 1 of this book. Harry also shoots awake at the end of his dream about what happens to Frank Bryce. And I think we’ve all had the experience of having an extremely vivid dream that the first couple seconds after you’re coming out of it, it takes a moment for your brain to calibrate and realize that’s not real, that wasn’t happening, or at the very least, it’s not happening right here in front of me.

Eric: Yeah, absolutely. And Harry even says, I think, like, “Maybe Voldemort is in the drapes!” It’s kind of like astral projection or something that Harry is doing, but it’s because it’s the first time that this is really happening, besides the beginning of the year when he was already unconscious. The fact that Harry lapsed into unconsciousness or whatever just feels new and terrifying and scary for him. You know who’s thrilled, though? Trelawney. [laughs] Trelawney is thrilled.

Laura: ‘Course.

Eric: Something interesting finally happened!

Andrew: [imitating Trelawney] “What a show!”

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Yes, she’s grabbing her popcorn. She’s like, “Oh, I had the kettle on just for this.” And Harry bursts out there. But does somebody want to read the quote from the book of Trelawney getting excited? Because it’s very funny.

Andrew: I’m not going to do the Trelawney voice because it’s too much, but, “‘What was it, Potter? A premonition? An apparition? What did you see? […] You were clutching your scar!’ said Trelawney. ‘You were rolling on the floor, clutching your scar! Come now, Potter, I have experience in these matters!'”

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Andrew: “My dear, you were undoubtedly stimulated by the extraordinary clairvoyant vibrations of my room!”

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: “If you leave now, you may lose the opportunity to see further than you have ever…” and Harry is just like, “No, I just have a headache. I need to get out of here. Bye.”

[Feryal laughs]

Eric: I love his sass so much. Harry gets a lot of love for his sass, but he’s like, “The only thing I want to see right now is a headache cure.” [laughs] And he bursts out. At this juncture I want to ask, what caused the dream?

Feryal: I have a theory I wanted to share. I wonder… and I think in this book, I know we’re assuming J.K. Rowling is still playing around with the scar connection. But do you think that at times when Harry is experiencing high levels of stress, this connection becomes a little more clear between them? Because right now he’s close to the third task, and he’s obviously extremely strung out because of getting getting to that point, and especially because in Book 5 when Voldemort actually has a physical body, that’s when the connection becomes really strong, but I wonder if that was also abetted by the fact that, in that book, he is processing Cedric’s death as well.

Andrew: Yeah, that makes sense. The high stress could be bringing your guard down a bit. And we were talking about earlier, the heat can be a factor, too; that could really wear you down. So I could see various elements. And just simply the stress of being in Trelawney’s class, anticipating hearing, “Oh, I’m going to die tomorrow.”

[Feryal and Laura laugh]

Andrew: “Thanks, Trelawney.” Stuff like that.

Eric: It’s the perfect place to dissociate.

Laura: Yeah. Feryal, I think it’s a really great point that you make that stress makes Harry more vulnerable, especially when we pair it with the fact that we keep hearing throughout this book that Voldemort is getting stronger, so I think there is an association that can be made with that. And something smaller than I noted between Chapter 1’s dream and this dream is that Voldemort mentions Harry by his full name. He calls him Harry Potter.

Micah: Harry James? Oh.

Laura: [laughs] No, but talks about killing him, ultimately, in both of these dreams, and I wonder if it’s some combination of the stress factor that Feryal brought up, but also Harry and Voldemort’s connection growing stronger because Voldemort is getting stronger and Harry is getting more vulnerable due to the stress. Then Voldemort says his name, and it’s like something clicks. Is that a stretch?

Feryal: No.

Eric: Well, we get it when somebody says our ears are burning. It’s like there is a… we all have kind of a sixth sense when we feel like we might be being talked about, and then we walk across the room to that person, and they’re like, “Oh, we were just talking about you.”

[Micah laughs]

Eric: It’s like, “Oh, that’s crazy.” Yeah, I wonder if this is more of an enhanced version of that.

Micah: And also, let’s not forget, I know Harry is very much concerned with the third task, but he also went through a fairly traumatic experience with Barty Crouch, Sr. That’s got to be in the back of his mind as well.

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Eric: I don’t know, Micah, if you can’t see a Thestral because of it, is it really a traumatic experience?

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Or just an inconvenience, right?

Eric: Does it pass the Thestral test or is it just Thursday? Come on, let’s go.

Micah: I do think it’s relevant that this is all taking place in Trelawney’s classroom, because let’s just go back one book prior; think about the prophecy that she gives only to Harry, so now he’s having a really meaningful and impactful dream in her classroom.

Andrew: But you can see why she’s so excited. He’s almost putting on a show for everybody.

[Micah laughs]

Eric: Well, this is her career for the next 20 years. This will make her career. “Harry Potter came and had this prophetic vision.” She wants him to talk about the… it’s clearly a premonition; it’s clearly Harry has seen something, and I think that she’s so starved for any ounce of credibility catch, that she’s not at all upset that this was a disruption in class. She’s almost praying every day for something like this to happen.

Andrew: That’s why she keeps the heat up, for somebody to lose it.

Eric: That’s exactly it. And furthermore, I think part of her is right to say, “I created these circumstances,” or “The vibes of my class are what caused this.”

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Because incense work that way; you’re kind of taken to a different place, and I think it’s part of the reason why the classroom is set up this way is to [imitating Trelawney] “enhance the inner eye.” If you won’t do it, I will, Andrew.

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Andrew: [imitating Trelawney] “Enhance the inner eye.”

Eric: There you go. Now do it with the glasses on.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: They don’t fit. [imitating Trelawney] “Enhance the inner eye!”

Eric: All right.

Laura: [laughs] It’s almost like the glasses bring it out.

Andrew: Oh, yeah. Brings out the Voldemort in Trelawney.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: So despite making excuses and saying that he needs to go to the hospital wing, when Harry gets out of the class, he does not go to the hospital wing. Instead, he takes god-daddy Sirius’s advice.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: “And if one more thing happens, go see Dumbledore”? He goes and sees Dumbledore. Everyone’s favorite character, some of us favorite character. One problem: Just like a few chapters ago, he can’t get in. And here’s where we start just guessing; he knows that Dumbledore at one point had a password that was sweet-themed, so Harry proceeds to roll through the Rolodex of all the Honeydukes sweets he can think of, finally landing on Cockroach Cluster, which gets the gargoyle to move. Pleading with the gargoyle does not do it. Saying it’s an emergency does not do anything. The only thing is trying to hack the password. Here’s a point that I wanted to bring up the last time we get stuck outside: Why does Dumbledore’s office even have a password? Why is it locked? Why isn’t it something where you can interface and be like, “I need to see the Headmaster”?

Andrew: [laughs] A little intercom.

Eric: Doesn’t Dumbledore serve at the pleasure of the students? Don’t they…? Isn’t it within their rights to seek him out?

Feryal: Dumbledore only serves at the pleasure of Dumbledore.

[Andrew and Feryal laugh]

Eric: Well, there’s that.

Laura: I think that’s fair.

Andrew: Bzzt. [imitating Dumbledore] “Oh, is this Pizza Hut? Is the pizza here?” [normal voice] “No, Headmaster. This is Harry.” [imitating Dumbledore] “Oh, okay, come on up, come on up. I’ll buzz you in.”

Eric: Yeah, we’ll buzz you in.

Andrew: “Damn, I was hoping it was the pizza.”

[Laura laughs]

Eric: But why is there…? Look, you can still go up and knock, but to password protect this doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.

Andrew: Well, because he’s so busy, I can see why he needs some guardrails. I think the solution here is very simple: He needs a secretary. And we were wondering earlier in this book, what can the Goblet of Fire and the Sorting Hat do off season? The Sorting Hat could be Dumbledore’s secretary. Come on, that’s perfect.

Eric: I actually love that. I love that 100%. The Sorting Hat could see why somebody is going to see Dumbledore, and he could judge whether it’s important enough. [laughs]

Andrew: If it’s truthful… exactly, exactly.

Eric: The Sorting Hat could be there and be like, “Single riders only, here.”

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Really important, prioritizing lines to see the Head. There shouldn’t be a locked door to the Headmaster’s office period. There just shouldn’t be; it doesn’t make any sense. And furthermore, if you can guess his password, it’s not secure! So like, hello?

Laura: Right. I love the imagery that I’m imagining now of the Sorting Hat making the call on whether somebody gets to be admitted or if they’re being declined, but I think it would have to give that answer in song form. It would need to be a limerick of some sort that’s very creative, so it’s not just a yes/no type answer. [laughs] Got to keep the songwriting skills sharp throughout the year so that when the new Sorting comes around, it’s ready.

Eric: I’m trying to imagine what that would be like. It’d be like, [imitating the Sorting Hat] “When you first came up here, you were horrified, but now you’re denied” or something like that.

Laura: [laughs] Something like that.

Micah: I’m just imagining Barty Crouch, Sr. actually working his way up to Hogwarts and then just having a one-on-one conversation with the gargoyle because he can’t get through either.

Laura: [laughs] And he’s like, “Weatherby, let me through.”

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Eric: I mean, Fudge is up there. Did Fudge have to be told his password? No, Dumbledore probably expected the appointment and came down, or set his gargoyle to admit…

Micah: Hagrid probably picked him up by his throat and carried him up to Dumbledore’s office.

Eric: [laughs] That’s exactly it. Very Hagrid-like. Yeah, it just… I’m glad we could finally talk through why this is the thing because it shouldn’t be a thing.

Laura: I always thought that Dumbledore’s residence was attached to his office for some reason, so with that in mind, I could see why he needs a password. But I mean, it should still be easier to reach the headmaster, and you shouldn’t have to be as special as Harry Potter to get there.

Eric: Right, because if Harry is failing to get in, what about everyone else? [laughs]

Laura: Right.

Andrew: Well, just like any school, you can’t just walk up to the principal’s door and just mosey on in. You’ve got to see a secretary or some other… there’s some barrier in place. And yeah, this could be handled differently.

Eric: Yeah. So Harry does get up; we mentioned it’s currently “Cockroach Cluster.” But the door itself, there’s another door you can’t get through, and so again, there was no point in the password gargoyle. [laughs] But anyway, on the other side of the door, Harry is able to listen in. He hears that Fudge is suggesting that maybe Madame Maxime might be up to no good, because “Isn’t she kind of like Hagrid there, Dumbledore?” And it’s just the book where everyone’s racist.

Micah: Well, we begin to see Fudge’s character truly shine through. He’s ignorant – this got brought up a little bit earlier towards Bertha’s situation – and could seemingly care less about Barty Crouch, Sr. He’s very much the “Nothing to see here” guy, and we will see much more of that as we get into Order of the Phoenix. And the other thing I just wanted to bring up about this particular scene: It’s such a great example of Barty Crouch, Jr. playing with his food because he directly asks Fudge what he supposed happened to Barty Crouch, Sr. Literally the killer is right in the room, and he is amongst what’s supposed to be the best of the best of the wizarding world, the Minister for Magic, the Headmaster of Hogwarts, and he’s got ’em all fooled. Not one person is even suspecting that Moody is not who he appears to be.

Andrew: And he gets to play with his food because Dumbledore ordered Pizza Hut!

[Eric and Feryal laugh]

Andrew: Sorry.

Micah: Extra what? Pepperoni? Sausage?

Andrew: Extra sausage. [laughs]

Laura: Cheese crust, right? [laughs]

Andrew: Ah, I love stuffed cheesy crust pizza.

Eric: Oh my God.

Laura: Yeah. No, and I would just say here, to echo some of the points that have already been brought up, we’re going to continue to see Fudge really only care about optics and what optics are most favorable for him as Minister of Magic. He doesn’t want to deal with the fall-out or the negative perceptions that might come as a result of the truth getting out there, so in his mind, it couldn’t possibly be the truth, because if it were, then he would have to deal with it, and he would probably lose his job, which, that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. [laughs]

Micah: Definitely. And we touched on this a little bit last week’s episode with both Molly and Hagrid, and I’m not saying that Fudge has always been “good,” but we do really get to see a different side to him here that… the characters are becoming more layered, I think, than the one-dimensional aspect that we’ve seen of them up until this point.

Eric: Yeah, yeah. I agree completely. And it’s an increasingly complex set of obstacles that we see these characters have to navigate, and so they’re getting more complex because we see them being faced with more complex stuff.

Micah: And it’s “Welcome to adult conversation,” right? Harry is overhearing an adult conversation here.

Eric: Yeah, right. Yeah, no kids are there. I want to have an adult conversation with you all right now…

Laura: Uh-oh, are we in trouble?

Eric: Now that we know this is the chapter where Voldemort finds out that Barty Crouch, Sr. has been killed – Junior did his job – this is a “What if?” segment. We haven’t done this in a while, and I think there’s a sound effect!

[“What if?” sound effect plays]

Micah: It’s just like Trelawney’s classroom.

[Andrew and Feryal laugh]

Eric: Smell the incense. What if Barty Crouch, Sr. had not fired Winky after the events of the Quidditch World Cup? So Barty Crouch, Sr. has had a rough time since the Quidditch World Cup, and the only person who’s had a rougher time is Winky, who he fired. We got to see her in the last chapter, and she’s not doing well. But my question is, knowing what’s happened now with Crouch Senior being imprisoned in his own home, placed under the Imperius Curse, and Wormtail was directed by Voldemort to keep an eye on him. He’s only just now in May escaped, so he’s been prisoner for like, seven months. If Winky were at all able to go back and check on her old master, whether the magic prevents her or if she had just done it, would Winky have actually been able to save Barty Crouch, Sr. from his fate?

Andrew: I think given her loyalty to him she would have done everything in her power to do so.

Eric: Good point.

Andrew: And I would say there’s a good chance that that would have happened, and that’s kind of the tragedy of of all this: He lost Winky, and then he loses his life.

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Laura: I feel like Winky would have tried to get help.

Andrew: Yeah, done something to move the ball.

Laura: Yeah, I mean, she wouldn’t have really been a match for Crouch Junior and Voldemort, possibly even Wormtail…

Andrew: Wow.

Laura: I mean, I’m not crapping on Winky; we just don’t really… we also don’t really get to see her magical abilities too much. And at any rate, she’d be outnumbered, right?

Eric: Well, we constantly see wizards underestimate the type of magic that other creatures have, though, that other beings and creatures…

Andrew: What if it was a butterbeer-drinking competition, though? Would she win that?

Laura: Oh, she’d win, hands down.

Eric: She would win, yeah. No, Voldemort would be drowned.

[Andrew and Feryal laugh]

Eric: His little body just…

Andrew: [imitating Voldemort] “I can’t compete with this house-elf!”

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: “This girl can put ’em down!”

Eric: Yeah, yeah. But I think you’re right; I think Winky would get help. And this is the crazy thing, is because Dumbledore has taken in Winky, and by taking in, he just permits her to be at Hogwarts because… there’s no evidence that he ever really had a heart-to-heart with Winky, but if he had ever encouraged her to, I don’t know, go and see her master, or if Dobby was a good friend and he’s not so gung-ho on freedom for Winky, I think Winky would have stumbled onto what’s really happening, because they’re doing it at Barty’s house. It’s their base of operations, and so Winky only need peek in to see who’s there, and she could have sounded the alarm this whole time, I think.

Feryal: I thought it set up an interesting point of view for a future book because in Deathly Hallows, there’s a very explicit character arc with Kreacher and everything, how he was treated by certain people in the Black family, and the larger implications of of that. And Hermione mentions that – I can’t quote her exactly – but she says something like, “I always knew wizards would one day pay for how they treated lesser creatures, how they underestimated them.” But I think this is almost foreshadowing how major that plot point becomes later with Kreacher is really fundamental, the relationship between him and Regulus and how all of that leads out.

Laura: We really are setting up so many of these larger themes for the rest of the series in this book.

Micah: One point that was made in the Discord – and it’s a question that I was actually wondering myself in this “What if?” scenario – it was brought up by PotionsPotentiator: Where would the loyalty be? To Barty Crouch, Jr. or Barty Crouch, Sr.?

Eric: That’s crazy. [laughs] That actually… I’m so glad Winky doesn’t have to figure that out.

Andrew: I’m going to say Senior…

Eric and Feryal: Yeah.

Feryal: Me too.

Andrew: … just because seniority. I think it would be just that simple.

Eric: Well, and if we’re… property ownership, which is a horrible way to look at it, but if you think of the way that house-elves are handed through property, the owner of the house – which is more likely to be Senior than Junior – would be able to control.

Andrew: Right. Let’s say Lucius and Draco have a disagreement about what Dobby should be doing next. Who’s Dobby ultimately going to be listening to? Lucius.

Feryal: Right.

Eric: I mean, he’s also more scared of Lucius, I’m sure. But still, yeah, it makes perfect sense to me.

Laura: Fair enough, yeah. And I mean, also, we see in the very last chapter she was speaking about how she handled much more for Crouch Senior than just typical housekeeping duties, that she held on to his most dangerous secrets or something like that. So I think even if you took seniority out of the equation, it really seems like her alliance is really more with Crouch Senior. I think Crouch Junior gets it by extension; we see that a little bit later, but that’s after Senior has died, so I think at that point there’s a transference, right? Of who her loyalty lives with.

Eric: The only thing that gives me pause when asking the question could Winky have figured this out, warned Hogwarts, at the very least, and/or saved her master in time, is that Voldemort does actually have a track record of getting the W over house-elves. I’m thinking of Hepzibah Smith’s… was it Pokey the house-elf? Is framed for Hepzibah’s murder. I don’t know what sort of interaction would have happened specifically between young Tom Riddle and the house-elf, but knowing that Tom Riddle and now Voldemort are at least aware of them puts them above other wizards in terms of being able to predict what sort of danger they might be in from them. But yeah, I think for the most part, had Winky been able to go back to Crouch Manor, she would have probably been able to interfere in a positive way.

Laura: I mean, that’s just the tragedy behind it, like you were saying at the top.

Andrew: Exactly.

Eric: And that is our “What if?” segment for the episode.


Odds & Ends


Eric: And now it’s time to do some odds and ends. So here’s a little joke that’s kind of funny and foreshadowy: In the owlery, when they’re about to send the letter to Sirius, they bump into Fred and George sending their own letter, and Ron wants to know what it’s about, George and Fred are not telling him, and George tells Ron that if he keeps acting like their older brother, Percy, he will be made a prefect. And Ron is like, “No, I won’t!” But actually, we know that that’s just what happens. The beginning of the next book Ron is made a prefect. [laughs]

Andrew: And what stood out to me about this is that Ron is taking it as a bad thing to be a prefect; that’s how Fred and George have conditioned him at this point, and it’s sad.

Eric: You’re right.

Feryal: Do Fred and George have a specific issue with just overachievement or academic overachievement? Because they end up being overachievers with the success of the joke shop.

Eric: That’s a great point.

Andrew: Yeah, so academic.

Eric: I think their problem is oversight. They don’t want oversight. They don’t want anyone looking over their shoulder.

Feryal: [laughs] That’s right.

Andrew: And definitely not one of their brothers.

Eric: Yeah, yeah. Like, “We’re better than you.”

Micah: Yeah, I mean, I think it comes down to… it’s really about Percy, right? Percy is the thing that’s being thrown at Ron here, not really the prefect, because Bill and Charlie were both prefects as well, and presumably Fred and George get along with them just fine. Maybe it’s a being left out thing, not that they would ever want to be prefects, but can you imagine? But yeah, I think it’s the tie to Percy that probably gets Ron in this moment more than anything.

Eric: That’s a good point. Good point. So also in this chapter, Trelawney has the Divination students examining the placement of Mars. This really harkens back for me to “Mars is bright tonight.” Books 1, 4, and 7 – so the first, the last, and the one right in the middle – all have Harry facing down present-day Voldemort, and Mars being the God of War, and particularly what the centaurs see Mars for is, it’s sort of foreshadowing of the wizarding war that’s coming up. Just really love the placement and positioning of Mars right now in this book.

Andrew: Yeah, cool shout-out.

Eric: And Micah, you had one?

Micah: Yeah, this was actually a fun one that gets mentioned at the start of the chapter because the trio are trying to figure out whodunnit, and they bring up Snape because, of course, Snape got in Harry’s way. And Harry makes the point that unless Snape has the ability to turn into a bat, there’s no way he would have been able to get from where he ran into him inside of Hogwarts to the forest in time to have taken out Barty Crouch, Sr., and then Ron responds something along the lines of, “Wouldn’t put it past him.” So this is fun, of course, because Snape does turn into a bat in Deathly Hallows

Eric: Still one of the most perplexing moments.

Andrew: Well, he doesn’t… does he turn into a bat, or he just looks like a bat? I thought he just looks like a bat.

Eric: It’s like a bat-shaped hole, but he doesn’t quite… yeah, or a Snape-shaped hole? I forget what the phrase is.

Andrew: But yeah, the bat does come back.

Micah: We’ll look it up. I’m sure the Discord will…

Eric: But no, there’s tons of “Snape is a vampire” theories.

Andrew: Right, right.

Eric: They’re there for a reason; it’s because that’s always been sort of the descriptor for Snape, so it’s pretty fun that Harry throws it out here.

Laura: And multiple times he’s described as looking like an oversized bat, so yeah, this is fun. Something related to the passwords that Harry was trying to get into Dumbledore’s office: The one that was ultimately successful, “Cockroach Cluster,” is a Monty Python reference. Monty Python, for anyone who doesn’t know, very famous British comedy troupe that J.K. Rowling is a fan of, and this comes from one of their sketches. It’s called the “Crunchy Frog” sketch. And I actually went back and rewatched this because it had been a while for me, and the way that some of the flavors of these disgusting chocolates are described in this sketch made me realize, “Oh my God, was this the inspiration for Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans?” Because there are some disgusting flavors in those as well. And I think something else to also call out here is that John Cleese is a member of Monty Python when they were active; John Cleese played Nearly Headless Nick in the Potter films. Also, Terry Gilliam, a member of Monty Python, was J.K. Rowling’s first choice to direct Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. I think WB thought he’d be too weird, so they said no.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Laura: So that is your installment of make the Monty Python connection.

Eric: Nice!

Andrew: Excellent.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: Full marks.

Eric: Oh, Laura, we value that so much. You know what else we love? A Rita Spy Count being upped, and in fact, Harry, when he’s about to sleep, to be asleep after he’s opened the window, hears an insect humming by the curtain.

[Buzzing sound effect plays]

Andrew: That sounded like another noise for a second…

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: … but it’s titled “Housefly, close buzzing.”

Micah: Sounds like Dumbledore eating his pizza.

[Andrew and Feryal laugh]

Eric: Hoovering or what? [laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, what? Vacuuming?


MVP of the Week


Andrew: All right, time for MVP of the week.

[MVP of the Week music plays]

Andrew: And I’m going to give it to Advil, the medicine.

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Andrew: Advil, for when the Dark Lord has activated the connection to you, and the pain is excruciating.

Eric: I’m going to give mine to Harry, speaking of, for “I don’t want to see anything except a headache cure.” Ah, love that sass.

Micah: I’m going to give it to Mad-Eye Moody, just because. I mean, the start of the chapter with putting the trio off his scent, and then as I mentioned earlier, just him playing with his food in Dumbledore’s office and enjoying every minute of it.

Andrew: So really, you’re giving it to Fakey. You’re giving it to BCJ, okay.

Micah: Yeah, yeah. Barty Crouch, Jr.

Laura: I’m going to give mine to Fred for reminding all of us, but especially Ron, why it’s important to mind. Your. Business.

[Andrew and Feryal laugh]

Feryal: And I will give mine to Ron for letting Harry Stun him. He’s been taking one for the team since the chess game, and I don’t think he gets appreciated enough for what he contributes to the friendship.

Eric: Aww.

Laura: I agree.

Micah: That’s a great point.

Laura: That’s a very good and smart character. [laughs]

Andrew: Yes!

Eric: I love that.

Micah: Went out of his way…

Andrew: I think Lexi attacked him last week, but we’re righting that ship.

Micah: Second task. He showed up.

Andrew: Yeah, he showed up. He showed under.

Laura: Yeah, he was unconscious, but he was there.

Andrew: In light of Micah giving Fakey an MVP, I feel like we should hear this sound effect again.

[Barty Crouch, Jr. appreciation sound effect plays: “You know what this means, don’t you? I’ll be welcomed back like a hero.”]

Eric: Yes! Love that.

Andrew: If you have any feedback about today’s discussion, you can contact us by emailing or sending a voice memo that’s recorded on your phone to MuggleCast@gmail.com, or you can use our phone number, which is 1-920-3-MUGGLE; that’s 1-920-368-4453. If you’re going to send us a voice message – and we do prefer a voice memo over a phone call because it’ll sound better – try to keep your message around a minute long, please, so we can fit in as many as possible. And next week, we’ll read Goblet of Fire Chapter 30, “The Pensieve.”


Quizzitch


Andrew: Now it’s time for Quizzitch.

[Quizzitch music plays]

Eric: Last week’s question: Who is the second person that Fakey says should try for a career as an Auror? The correct answer is Hermione. Yes, it’s funny; he’s now passing that out like candy, a compliment. Okay, so correct answers were submitted by Bagels for Buckbeak; Lazuli Christatis; Ginny is Dean’s beard…

[Laura laughs]

Eric: … The Unused Courtroom; Headmasters of the Galaxy, Volumes 2 and 3; Malfoy is better as a ferret; LC; Elizabeth K.; Barty Crouched so that Viktor could Krum…

[Laura and Feryal laugh]

Eric: … Olive Hornby’s magical talking bidet; Uh, Cedric came back, and now he’s sparkly; Leaving Snape standing next to the gargoyle and looking twice as ugly; Ron Weasley is so desperate for words of affirmation, he will even ask a Death Eater to give him a compliment; 99 problems, but a babbling, bumbling band of baboons isn’t one of them…

[Laura laughs]

Eric: … and Sirius’s Sound Advice. So wow, that was special.

Laura: Some good ones this week.

[Feryal laughs]

Eric: Thank you all for submitting and playing Quizzitch; it’s our weekly fun thing. Here is next week’s question: After Ludo Bagman’s trial, what Quidditch match does a jury member congratulate him on? You have to be very eagle-eyed or have a very sharp memory to remember this. I’m sure most people will just look it up, but that’s okay! Submit your answers to us on the Quizzitch form, MuggleCast.com/Quizzitch, or if you’re on the website, maybe checking out other sections, like Wall of Fame or transcripts, click on “Quizzitch” from the main nav.

Andrew: This show is brought to you by Muggles like you and Feryal. Feryal, thanks so much for joining us today. It was great having you on.

Feryal: It was great being on here. Thank you for having me.

Andrew: Yeah, our pleasure. And we thankfully don’t have a Ministry of Magic running the show; we are just everyday Muggles conjuring an independent podcast, and we’re so happy to do it. But we do need support from listeners like you and Feryal, so you can help us out by tapping into the show on Apple Podcasts and subscribing to MuggleCast Gold, which gets you ad-free, early access to MuggleCast, plus two bonus MuggleCast installments every month, including a video game one we’re going to record today. And we know that Micah always says, “That’s a great offer.” It’s $4.99 a month; that’s a great deal. But between now and July 19, there’s an even better offer, and it’s over at Patreon.com/MuggleCast. You’ll get all the benefits of MuggleCast Gold, plus, if you pledge at the Slug Club level – that’s $10 a month – you will get the exclusive MuggleCast 19 Years Later T-shirt. Please pledge by July 19 and fill out the form. That’s very important too; existing patrons, we need you to fill out the form that’s available now, and then we will send you the MuggleCast 19 Years Later T-shirt. Please, this is your only chance to get this T-shirt, so don’t miss out. It’s a really good one. We’re going to be getting samples soon. We’re going to show them off on social media, and when you see them, you’re going to get jealous, so just get it out of the way now. Become a patron now. Also…

Eric: I’m going to predict that this 19 Years Later T-shirt is going to be so cool and so hip and so enshrined in pop culture that we’re going to have to do an episode of What the Hype?! about it.

Andrew: Oh, yeah.

Feryal: Nice.

Andrew: I think you’re right.

Eric: It’s a full circle moment.

Andrew: You also get access to our livestreams, our planning docs, the chance to co-host the show one day, just like Feryal did today. You get access to the MuggleCast Collector’s Club, and you get a video message from one of the four of us, a personalized video thank you message from one of the four of us. So thank you for supporting us on Patreon or Apple Podcasts; we couldn’t do this without you.

Micah: And just a reminder that Eric, ChloĆ©, and I will be at LeakyCon coming up in just a few weeks, July 5-7 at the Oregon Convention Center in Portland, Oregon. We now have dates and times for our main panel, so our MuggleCast meetup will be happening first on Friday, July 5 at 11:15 a.m. We have a podcaster mega panel Saturday, July 6 at 10:00 a.m., a live MuggleCast later on that day, at 5:00 p.m., and then to close out the con, a very fun LeakyMug with our friends over at Pottercast happening on Sunday at 5:00. So we are super excited, looking forward to seeing so many of you out at LeakyCon. It’s always a blast. And we’ve been spending so much time talking about the one and only Viktor Krum; he’s going to be there, recently announced, so we’ll be sure to check in with him and get his perspective on how things went down in the forest with Harry and Barty Crouch, Sr.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: You should do that.

Eric: Yeah, no, Stan is great. We love seeing him there. He’s been very kind to us in the past.

Micah: Best dressed, easily.

Eric: Oh, yeah.

Andrew: Visit MuggleCast.com for transcripts, social media links, our full episode archive, our favorite episodes that you should definitely be listening to, and more. Thanks, everybody, for listening. I’m Andrew.

Eric: I’m Eric.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: I’m Laura.

Feryal: And I’m Feryal.

Andrew: Bye, everyone.

Laura: Bye, y’all.

Eric and Feryal: Bye.

Transcript #661

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #661, Kromance (GOF Chapter 28, The Madness of Mr. Crouch) feat. The Fantasy Fangirls!


What the Hype?! announcement


Andrew Sims: Hey, MuggleCast listeners. Before we hop into today’s episode, we have some very exciting news, and you may have actually already seen it! The teams behind MuggleCast and Millennial are launching a new podcast. Yes, show number three. It’s called What the Hype?!

Eric Scull: What the Hype?! is the class you’ve always wanted but were never offered in school. Each week, a panel of pop culture junkies – which is us – educate each other on today’s biggest books, shows, movies, and more. No matter what your experience, there’s something for everyone. If you’re a total noob, we will educate you on why a fandom took off, what makes someone a true fan, and if you’re already an expert, we will see about that. Our subsequent episodes – we’ll have multiple for certain ideas, certain fandoms, certain properties – will take you on a deep deep dive and really test your stanhood. And if you’re somewhere in the middle, teetering on the edge of fandom, we’ll show you what the hype is all about.

Micah Tannenbaum: And to celebrate the launch of the third child we never expected…

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: … we have multiple episodes out right now.

Andrew: Let’s hope this child runs as long as MuggleCast and Millennial.

Laura Tee: I know.

Micah: This is a show we’re going to be publishing through the MuggleCast feed, and the reason that we decided to do this is because we want to expand what we bring to you. It’s been in our name all along; we’re Muggles podcasting, and these Muggles love pop culture.

Laura: But don’t worry, nothing is changing with the MuggleCast that you know and love. Every Tuesday, we are your Harry Potter friends forever and always, but every Friday, you’re now going to receive an episode of What the Hype?! in which we’re educating you and each other on today’s biggest books, shows, movies, and more. No matter your experience on a particular topic, there’ll be something for everyone to enjoy.

Andrew: Check out the first episodes now; they’re available right now in this MuggleCast feed. To learn more about the show, go to WhatTheHypePodcast.com, and make sure to follow us on social media as well. We’ll have links, of course, available for you to easily access, but on TikTok, YouTube, Twitch, and Instagram we’re @WhatTheHypePodcast, and on X we’re @WhatTheHypeShow. So check out the show and the social media accounts, and again, we hope you enjoy. And now it’s time for MuggleCast! Harry Potter friend mode activated.

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Eric: 661! Let’s go!


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into the Wizarding World fandom. I’m Andrew.

Eric: I’m Eric.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: And this week we are ignoring our better judgment and investigating the mysterious motion we see in the dark forest. And to help us with today’s discussion of this week’s chapter, we are so excited to have back the Fantasy Fangirls, Nicole and Lexi! Welcome back, girls.

Lexi and Nicole: Thank you!

Lexi: We’re so excited to be back here. We had so much fun last time, and we’re just so excited to be back here. Hi.

Andrew: Hi, hi! So what’s been going on in the world of Fantasy Fangirls? What have you been up to this summer?

Lexi: How much time you got?

[Lexi and Nicole laugh]

Lexi: No, so right now we’re currently deep diving A Court of Thorns and Roses series, and we are actually in our last few episodes of Book 2, A Court of Mist and Fury. It’s one of our all-time favorite books, and it’s just been so much fun. In fact, this week, Nicole and I are outlining and preparing for the big famous Chapter 54 – if you know, you know – so we’ve been very, very busy with all of that.

Nicole: We’re also going to be doing a bonus episode; we’re already recorded it, but it’s going to be releasing next week with Sarah A. Parker of When the Moon Hatched, which if you all have not read, don’t sleep on it. It is such a phenomenal book.

Lexi: So good.

[Andrew laughs]

Nicole: It’s one of our new favorite fantasy books, and that’s going to be released, I think, actually the Thursday this comes out, because it comes out next Thursday, right, as we’re recording?

Andrew: Tuesday.

Nicole: Tuesday. It’s going to be this Thursday that episode releases!

[Everyone laughs]

Lexi: And then for instance, with our Patreon we have Book Club and so for this month in June, Penn Cole, who is the author of Spark of the Everflame, the Kindred Curse series, she’s going to be joining us, so we’re so excited. Nicole and I are very deep in that series right now; we’re just absolutely devouring those books. Basically, what we’re up to is a lot of fantasy reading, the ACOTAR deep dives, and author interviews. We’re so happy about all of that.

Andrew: Awesome. Yeah, congratulations again on all your success. And the last time we had you on, you were reading Fourth Wing and the sequel, and now I don’t know if you would want to announce this or share this here, but do you plan on jumping back to that series when the third book comes out in January?

Lexi: Of course, Andrew.

[Andrew and Lexi laugh]

Nicole: We do; we’re actually wrapping up our ACOTAR coverage just in time. It actually worked out really perfectly – thank you, Rebecca Yarros – for us to be wrapping up A Court of Silver Flames, and then we are going to do a little bit of lead-up into Onyx Storm, and then we’re going straight into many, many, many, many, many weeks of deep diving Onyx Storm.

Andrew: [laughs] Excellent.

Lexi: Yes, so that comes out January 21, and so we’ll probably about two weeks after that start our deep dive.

Andrew: Cool. We’ve been plotting out the end of Chapter by Chapter, and we’re like, “Oh, by the time we’re finished with this, I think the Harry Potter TV series will be airing,” so similarly, we’re like, “Oh, thank goodness. The timing’s going to work out.”

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Perfect.

Lexi: So when does the TV series come out?

Andrew: They claim, what, 2026?

Lexi: Okay. Dang. I’m sorry. I had in my mind early 2025 and I got really excited there for a second. [laughs]

Andrew: Oh, no, we’d be speeding up.

Laura: Trust me, I wish it was coming out that soon.

Lexi: Oh, man. Yeah. All of us.

Andrew: And then as our listeners know, Micah and Eric will be at LeakyCon this summer; you two will as well.

Lexi: Yes! We’re so excited to see you at LeakyCon.

Eric: It’s going to be great.

Andrew: And what are you two doing at LeakyCon?

Nicole: We’re going to be hosting on Friday a Maasverse 101, so if you’re in the Sarah J. Maas world, A Court of Thorns and Roses is one of her books, so we’re going to be doing a spoiler-free walkthrough of those three worlds. And then Saturday, we’re going to be on the podcasting mega panel with Micah and Eric. I’m so excited. We’re also doing our live show that day, which will be all things Empyrean 3 Onyx Storm theories.

Lexi: Yep. And then that afternoon, on Saturday, we are going to have our meet and greet, so we’re super excited to meet our fans and hang out.

Nicole: And then Sunday, we’re doing a Reading as an Adult panel on finding joy in reading again, because so many of us stopped reading for a long time and then started reading and we’re like, “Oh, I feel more alive than I ever have before! This feels great!”

Lexi: I think we talked a lot about that, actually, on your Millennial podcast too.

Nicole: Yes, we did.

Lexi: We talked a lot about that, so it’s essentially taking that topic and then we’re going to do a panel on that.

Andrew: Great.

Nicole: And then we’re also doing a multi-fandom mega trivia Sunday afternoon.

Andrew: Awesome.

Nicole: We’re excited.

Lexi: What about you all? I know that you have a live podcast as well, a meet and greet. What else do you have planned?

Eric: Yeah, so we’re on that panel first thing Saturday morning; that’s the podcaster mega panel. Later that day is our live show, I think at 5:00 p.m. The day before on Friday is our meetup, and Sunday we’re doing a live LeakyMug crossover event to close out the festivities. If anybody was there in Leaky Boston, we broke out the fisticuffs and Micah and I went to town battling Melissa, John, and Frak.

Micah: And I think it’s just helpful context – Andrew mentioned this on the last episode – we have had a long-standing “rivalry” with another Harry Potter podcast called Pottercast, and hence the LeakyMug crossover. Leaky Cauldron was the site that Pottercast was a part of, MuggleNet was the site that MuggleCast was a part of, and that’s how we got to LeakyMug.

Lexi: I love it. I love it so much.

[Everyone laughs]

Nicole: I’m so excited for that.

Eric: ChloĆ© is going to be there. It’s going to be absolutely amazing. I’m just looking really forward to hanging out. Oh, and more paneling and programming will be figured out; we’re still waiting to hear back on certain ones, but it’ll be very exciting.

Lexi: Cool. Well, can’t wait to hang out together.

Nicole: Yes!

Eric: I know. It’s going to be great.


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Andrew: All right, well, without further ado, let’s jump into Chapter by Chapter, and this week we’re discussing Goblet of Fire Chapter 28, “The Madness of Mr. Crouch.” And we’ll start, like we always do, with our Seven-Word Summary.

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

Nicole: Harry…

Lexi: … finds…

Andrew: … Crouch…

Eric: … disturbed…

Micah: … inside…

Laura: … the…

Lexi: … forest.

Andrew: Wow. Perfect, beautiful, amazing.

[Lexi laughs]

Laura: Perfect. 10 out of 10.

Andrew: Fastest six people ever summarized a chapter.

[Everyone laughs]

Nicole: It’s to the point. I love it.

Laura: No, it’s fantastic.


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Laura: Well, we’re going to get into this chapter by first talking about poor Winky. This is a tough chapter for her. So the chapter begins with the trio going down to the kitchens to give Dobby his socks that they picked up for him in Hogsmeade, and Hermione very quickly asks after Winky, of course. This is completely in character for Hermione; she knows that Winky has been going through it. She sees that Winky is not amongst the other elves, and it turns out that this is because she’s sitting in front of the fire getting lit on butterbeer. And I wanted to take a moment to do a little bit of fuzzy math here, because Dobby says that she’s having six butterbeers a day, and that butterbeer is strong for house-elves. We can tell when we encounter her based on the way she’s speaking, based on her just general mannerisms and her state, that she is very intoxicated, so I was like, “Okay, let’s look this up.” The average height of an adult house-elf is three feet, so I decided why don’t I just compare these body ratios to a child, a 3-year-old human? And I’m assuming that house-elves are probably really emaciated for the most part. So if we’re thinking about this being an extremely underweight equivalent of a 3-year-old, and saying maybe the house-elf weighs 25 lbs., we can run calculations through a blood alcohol calculator to find out just how drunk Winky is. So I did this; I didn’t need to go to all the trouble to do this, because it’s very clear that she is wasted…

Andrew: [laughs] Answer: wasted.

Laura: Yes, according to this blood alcohol calculator, it says, “Your BAC is approximately 1.29%,” and then it says, “It will take around 86 hours to get to 0% blood alcohol content.”

Andrew: Aww.

Laura: Then it says, “You’re probably not reading this because there’s a good chance that you’re unconscious.”

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Doesn’t Winky wish? So what you’re saying, Laura, is she’s about 49% butter and 50% beer, with only 1% available for social interaction right now.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Yeah. And amazingly, she reveals a fair bit for somebody who’s as intoxicated as she is.

Eric: Through hiccups.

Laura: Yes.

Nicole: I did see this in the outline and I decided to see that 86 hours, and I was like, “How many days is that?” That’s about 3.58 days, but she’s having six a day, so that means she’s consistently getting more and more and more drunk, and that’s math I cannot even start doing because that’s how much blood alcohol content do you lose in 24 hours, and then you add another 1.9% and just keep doing that until bad things happen.

Laura: Right.

Nicole: So Winky is in the beyond. [laughs]

Eric: It’s also very sad that the elves have just excluded her there; they’ve left her there to do that. It’s one thing… of course, we understand why Winky is side-eyed by the other elves, we understand why Dobby is a pariah, he absolutely… they don’t want him there and treat him as such. But where’s the level of care for your own here? What exactly…? We see later the rest of the house-elves covering Winky up with a tablecloth, but not draped over her shoulders to keep her warm, but literally completely covering her up, and I’m like, “What?” [laughs] They just don’t want to see her; they think that she’s contagious with whatever she’s going through, and she’s not getting the care that she needs.

Laura: They’re embarrassed by her.

Andrew: And to that point, I was thinking of that from a faculty angle. Where is Dumbledore to watch over the elves who are working for him for free? Where’s anybody? Where’s McGonagall? Where’s Sprout? I don’t know. I don’t have to single out Dumbledore; I’m a fan of Dumbledore. I’ve got my “Dumbledore is gay” T-shirt.

[Nicole laughs]

Micah: I’m just shocked at… has the day come where Andrew is questioning Dumbledore?

[Lexi laughs]

Andrew: Oh, please, this is not the first time.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: It only took 661 episodes.

Lexi: I will say, Dobby does take care of Winky. He is the only one who does take care of her, because that’s how he knows about the Room of Requirement. So technically, Harry finds out about the Room of Requirement because of Winky’s problem here.

Nicole: Butterfly effect.

[Lexi and Nicole laugh]

Laura: Very true. Oh my gosh.

Micah: But Andrew, to your point about Dumbledore, I think selfishly had he paid more attention to her, perhaps he would have been able to retrieve important information from her that would have shed some light on just what the heck is happening with Crouch and the Triwizard Tournament. It seems like a missed opportunity for him.

Nicole: You’d think that he’d be all over the house-elf… maybe not all over like, “What do you know??” But…

Lexi: [imitating Michael Gambon] “Did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire?!”

[Nicole laughs]

Eric: He would say it calmly to Winky.

Andrew: “Did you see what was really up with Crouch?!”

Lexi: Well, and we know that he also… because he also is not, I’ll say, above legitimacy. Did I say that correctly? I don’t feel like I said that correctly.

[Lexi and Nicole laugh]

Eric: He’s very legitimate, but Legilimency is what you’re going for.

Lexi: But with the other house-elf from Tom Riddle’s memory and how he did get information from her using his magic, and so he clearly could have done a similar thing here with Winky. Not saying that it’s morally correct, but he has a history of doing that with house-elves.

Eric: It’s a great point that she’s very strategically… she would have all the answers. Between last week, which Micah said aptly has all the answers you could ever want, we now have the heart of the mystery of the book delivered to our doorstep throughout this chapter in multiple ways, so the book is heating up. I know this chapter is many people’s favorite of the whole book, and I can see why.

Micah: And Lexi, I know you said it jokingly, but what a twist it would have been if it was in fact Winky who put Harry’s name in the Goblet of Fire.

[Everyone laughs]

Nicole: Oh my gosh.

Andrew: “I didn’t know what I was doing!”

Laura: I mean, it certainly wouldn’t be the first time that we see a house-elf in this series get up to nefarious activities to put Harry in danger, right?

Nicole: And it will not be the last. Kreacher.

Laura: Will not, will not. But Harry is struck by inspiration in this moment because he sees Winky in her current state and he’s like, “You know what? I’m going to ask her about why Crouch stopped showing up.” But even in her altered state, Winky is pretty much Fort Knox. She doesn’t really divulge too much, but she does reveal that she knows more than your average house-elf about her master. And kind of to the point that was alluded to here a couple of moments ago, I’m wondering if it strikes us as odd that Crouch cast her out so easily, given how much she knows. Is he just super confident that whatever magic prevents her from betraying him wouldn’t waver?

Lexi: That is a really good point because I was thinking back to Dobby, and he was able to say bad things about his old masters, the Malfoys, and so I just always assumed that that binding magic where they have to keep their secrets, it goes away once they’re disowned. But even for Dobby, it was really difficult for him to say that, and I always assumed that it was out of just habit, but I guess maybe it could have been out of that lingering magic. So the only thing, yeah, keeping Winky from sharing anything about Mr. Crouch is that steadfast loyalty to him, which that’s very risky of Mr. Crouch, but that’s also very confident of him, which he does think less of house-elves in that way, so…

Eric: Maybe he thinks that the rules surrounding house-elf magic are absolute, and he thinks there’s no chance she could betray him.

Lexi: Probably. And I mean, she doesn’t. [laughs]

Eric: She’s super loyal. No, he’s very lucky to have her, which shows how exactly catastrophic it was to cast her out. The other thing that I’m thinking of, knowing that we really know what’s been going on with Mr. Crouch, perhaps if he did even regret casting her aside, he’s been in no place for a while to call her back. So he had to cause that scene when she was discovered holding the wand that his son had used, etc., etc. That was very performative, but perhaps he regrets it, and especially because of his dissent, yeah, there’s a lot that could have been saved if Winky had been allowed to stay with him.

Laura: Yeah, it is an interesting point because it does make me wonder, had he not been placed under the Imperius Curse and been under that this whole time, would he have come to his senses?

Micah: No.

[Andrew and Nicole laugh]

Micah: Well, going off of what Lexi was talking about and the context that we were given about Barty Crouch, Sr. by Sirius in the previous chapter, I think he was doing what was expected of him as a person of authority. And because of his ultimate thirst for power, just like he cast his son aside to Azkaban, he cast Winky aside because of the embarrassment she’s caused his family. He’s basically reliving the same experience he went through with his son decades earlier, but now it’s with his house-elf, so he has no choice but to get rid of her.

Andrew: The binding magic is interesting because Winky gets so close to saying something really damning and doesn’t. Could a little bit more alcohol have caused her to do so? 1.29%; what if she was up to 3%?

[Lexi laughs]

Nicole: No, it’s more than that because she’s multiple days into this, remember? I will not let that go!

[Andrew and Nicole laugh]

Eric: I’m telling you, she’s 99% butterbeer in a house-elf suit!

[Everyone laughs]

Lexi: One of my absolute favorite things about this book in particular is when after you get all the revelations and then when you go back through and reread it, there’s so many little nuggets, and this chapter in particular is full of them. So I just absolutely love all these little Winky foreshadowing moments here, where “Master is trusting Winky with the most important, the most secret…” and then Harry cut her off. It could be like, “Okay, what? Tell me more.” It’s like, just let her keep talking! [laughs]

Andrew: Yeah. Do you think Winky would have come clean if Harry didn’t cut her off?

Lexi: No, but I do think she might’ve given a few more tiny little sprinkles that… yeah.

Nicole: I think she’s messed up enough to come close.

Micah: With the eye ahead to Order of the Phoenix and Half-Blood Prince, it is so interesting to see Winky’s loyalty shine through here, because you have to ask is the loyalty to Barty Crouch, Sr. or is it to Barty Crouch, Jr.? Because we see Kreacher develop much of the same relationship with Regulus, right? It’s kind of that young child bond with the house-elf, and they feel this really strong connection to have to protect them.

Nicole: I think it’s both, especially given how she reacts after they bring her in at the very end and they’re starting to tell that side of the tale, and she’s like, “No, master, don’t!” That part breaks my heart for Winky because she’s just having a full-blown terror attack and they’re just like, “Come on, give me the answers!” and it’s like, maybe be a little nicer. She’s okay. Just let her be okay; I’m worried for her.

Eric: I love how completely ill-equipped the trio is just down here. They are completely unprepared. They make everything worse. Everyone down here would be so much better; Dobby wouldn’t have his gift, but everyone else would be perfectly happier, better, able, more well-adjusted if the trio had not come down here. They’re so far out of their element.

Lexi: But those Ć©clairs are calling Ron’s name. [laughs]

Nicole: I will say, Hermione does get a lot of information for the future of SPEW through this interaction of seeing the house-elves in their element.

Eric: Okay.

Nicole: So while a bad situation, they did uncover more truth, which seems to be the motto of Harry Potter.

[Andrew and Lexi laugh]

Eric: That is a great… wow. Yeah, that’s a great point. That’s really good.

Laura: Well, speaking of bad situations, Winky does ultimately pass out, so she’s not going to be drinking butterbeer for at least the next several hours, which is probably good…

Eric: I give her 30 minutes.

Laura: … her poor little liver needs a break.

Andrew: Aw, little liver.

Laura: But she does this while she’s in the middle of telling Harry off for being nosy. She’s like, “You’re being nosy! Mind your own business!”

Andrew: [imitating drunk Winky] “Mind your own business!”

Lexi: I love that so much because he is totally nosy, and she’s not even the only one in this series who calls him out on that. Even Hagrid…

[Andrew laughs]

Lexi: I don’t remember which book, but at some point, he’s like, “You’re being nosy; you’re getting into other people’s business, and that’s not a compliment kind of thing.”

Andrew: [laughs] But he’s the Chosen One. That’s his job.

Nicole: No, I think he relies so much on his nosiness because every single year he has been nosy and solved the big mystery, so I think it’s…

Eric: Well, no one tells him anything!

Nicole: Well, that’s true. No one does, and Dumbledore is really to blame on that one; I’m going to call him out. [laughs]

Eric: But yeah, you’re totally right.

Nicole: Well, because I think he has a little bit of the “Well, my nosiness has saved our butts every single year, so I’m going to keep doing it” complex.

Andrew: Yeah, yeah, got a little ego about him.

Nicole: I think he’s got an ego.

Lexi: Definitely.

Nicole: I say that lovingly.

[Andrew and Nicole laugh]

Laura: For sure. There are definitely times like these where it feels like he thinks he’s a little more clever and a little more slick than he actually is.

Lexi: Oh, yeah.

Eric: But even like accidentally letting slip that Crouch hasn’t been to work, which makes Winky so much more worried for him. That’s not something that you… I don’t know. Harry thinks he’s getting more information… he does get more information, but it just freaks the elf out.

Laura: Well, yeah, because she has a pretty good idea why he might not be, right? And so she’s like, “Oh, crap.” Things are starting to unravel. It’s so interesting that we really do get, between this chapter and the last chapter, the plot pretty much laid out, but your first time reading it through, you don’t really make the connection. At least, I didn’t.

Lexi: Yeah, Barty Crouch, Jr. still being alive and pretending to be Moody was not on my bingo card.

[Andrew laughs]

Lexi: And if it was on anybody’s, I would really… I mean, gold star for you, but wow, that is super left field.

Nicole: Yeah, good job.

[Lexi and Nicole laugh]

Andrew: Yeah. I mean, once you get to the whole backstory and all the info comes out, it’s a lot. It’s a lot happening here to get to this point.

Nicole: Truly.

Laura: We’ll be back in just a moment to talk about the maze, but first, we’re going to go drink five or six butterbeers each, and while we do that, check out these words from these sponsors.

[Ad breaks]

Laura: So we are going to jump ahead here to talking about the maze. There is quite a bit that happens in this chapter that we’re not going to focus on too heavily today; we have Hermione getting hate mail because of Rita Skeeter, we have an actually pretty successful Care of Magical Creatures lesson led by Hagrid, where Nifflers are introduced and they’re super cute. But we really want to get to the introduction of the maze, and then also the very, very dumb moment in which Harry decides to follow one of his competitors into a dark forest because he’s clearly never listened to a true crime podcast before, and it shows.

[Andrew and Nicole laugh]

Eric: Wow.

Micah: Yeah, I mean, what? Like, “Oh, let’s go talk in the forest.”

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: There’s no side room inside of the entrance to Hogwarts that they could go talk?

Laura: Yeah, nothing dangerous in the forest.

Lexi: Or even just walking back to the school just the two of them, with the next person, Bagman, just being way ahead of them, yeah.

Laura: For sure.

Eric: Well, it’s a sensitive topic that can only be discussed with exclusive privacy.

Andrew: Or just out in the field, the lawn of Hogwarts. Just talk outside somewhere and you could still have Crouch crawl up to them.

[Andrew laughs]

Lexi: Just make him work for it a little, you know?

Andrew: Just imagine him crawling…

Eric: Listen, he’s travelled far enough. He has crawled on his feet and on his knees the whole way here, I’m sure.

Andrew: [weakly] “Help me, Weatherby…”

[Lexi laughs]

Nicole: I do have a contingency with that, because I don’t know if he has walked all the way from where he was being held captive with Voldemort because… Lexi is about to crack it open. [laughs]

Lexi: Okay, because I was thinking about this, too, and it has been several weeks. We don’t have an exact timeline, but it has been several weeks since Wormtail told Barty Crouch, Jr. about Mr. Crouch, and so Barty Crouch, Jr. has been looking for his dad on the Marauder’s Map. And I think you need your wand in order to Apparate versus not Apparate, and to our knowledge, at least, he does not have his wand.

Nicole: You got me there.

Laura: Right, I mean, unless he somehow was able to travel via the Floo Network, but I can’t see them making it that easy for him to get away either.

Andrew: Right.

Lexi: Yeah, of course, I can imagine him trying to have his wand with him, but also, is he in the right state of mind to be doing all that? Which then also brings up the question, if he didn’t, then he has no supplies. He has just his robes with him right now, clothes on his back. He doesn’t have any food. How did this…? And especially, this guy has been cared for by a house-elf for most of his life, or at least his adult life. That’s impressive. [laughs]

Nicole: Now, I do wonder…

Eric: Yeah, here’s the descriptor from the book. It says, “He looked as though he’d been traveling for days. The knees of his robes were ripped and bloody, his face scratched.”

Andrew: I guess that confirms it, then.

Eric: So yeah, he’s been crawling through twigs.

Lexi: Literally crawling.

Laura: He’s been through it.

Eric: “… he was unshaven and gray with exhaustion. His neat hair and mustache were both in need of a wash and trim. His strange appearance, however, was nothing to the way he was behaving.” Yeah, he has traveled this whole way, and not only that, but he’s had to fight himself the entire way there because he’s still half-to-most under the control of an Imperius Curse.

Nicole: So how is he feeding himself and drinking water? Because if that’s multiple weeks of travel… and to your point, Lex, he has been cared for by a house-elf; I don’t see Barty Crouch being like, “Those mushrooms look safe; let’s try those out.”

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Right, not good at foraging for survival.

Laura: He’s like, “They don’t look safe, but they might be fun.”

Andrew: That’s why he’s delusional.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: I’m really glad, though – not to take us back too much – but I’m really glad that everyone’s picking up on the passage of time here, because the time jump in this chapter is crazy. So the champions are all summoned down to the Quidditch pitch to talk about the third task in the last week of May, and we know that this chapter started sometime before Easter, which was in mid-April in 1995 when this takes place, so we literally do a six-to-eight-week jump in this chapter.

Nicole: On Fantasy Fangirls we always go, “Montaaaage!”

[Everyone laughs]

Lexi: They’re usually training montages because fantasy and whatnot.

[Andrew and Lexi laugh]

Nicole: We’ll call this… because Harry is… no, he’s not training yet for the maze; never mind.

Eric: No, Harry is staring at Hagrid from the windows of the owlery; he watches him a good long while. That would be Harry’s… but actually, Harry sees the owl come by that’s for Barty Crouch from Wormtail telling him that his dad…

Lexi: Yes, that’s true.

Micah: Eagle owl.

Lexi: Again, just love those little nuggets so much.

Laura: Well, Bagman introduces them to the maze and the hedges that they’re growing on the Quidditch pitch. By the way, Harry and Cedric are very suspicious and unhappy about this, because they’re like, “What the heck? Not only has Quidditch been canceled, but now you’re growing hedges on our pitch.” [laughs] But they’re short enough at this point to be climbed over, but in about a month’s time when it’s time for the task, they’re going to be 20 feet tall. And Bagman at first makes the task sound simple enough by saying, “Hey, the Triwizard cup is going to be at the center of the maze, and whoever reaches it first will get full points and win.”

Nicole: I’m not going to lie; this is where I’m out of the Triwizard Tournament.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: It wasn’t going underwater…

Lexi: Not facing a dragon.

Nicole: [laughs] This is where I’m out. I despise…

Eric: The outdoors, the rugged outdoors? No.

Nicole: I live in Colorado; I should not be this. But I absolutely hate haunted houses, and this to me is like a haunted house on steroids, but the actors are scary creatures that can actually kill you. And I would walk six inches into this maze and send up red sparks.

[Andrew and Lexi laugh]

Nicole: I’m a Gryffindor, and I don’t care.

Andrew: “Can’t say I didn’t try. I made it six inches in.”

Laura: Honestly, it’s giving The Shining.

Nicole: Thank you.

Laura: For anyone who’s a Stephen King fan. Like, no thank you. I’ve seen how that goes. I don’t think so. [laughs]

Eric: Well, and the book version of The Shining, too, is very… there are topiaries that come alive. It’s really kind of creepy, but more … the movie version of the hedge maze is really, really extreme. But I think that the stakes are high enough without the vines that come out and grab you; I think that really having to battle your way through this the way that the Triwizard founders probably intended is itself very taxing and very extraordinary. I think this is… this had the potential to be actually a really cool task, I think.

Lexi: I agree.

Micah: And Laura, it’s been mentioned, kind of, all the little nuggets, and I had this in odds and ends, but I want to bring it up here. It’s mentioned that when Cedric first approaches the maze, he stops dead. I don’t think that that is unintentional.

Laura: Oh, no.

Eric: Like, he comes to a halt and he’s just shocked?

Nicole: No, he actually drops dead right there.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Roll credits. Book’s over.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Laura: So I want to do a fairness check on this, and I’m glad that we have a really full panel today. Micah, I’m very curious for your insights here. So because Harry and Cedric are the top champions at the moment, they’re going to get a head start since they’re currently leading. They’re going to be followed by Krum, then Fleur. But Bagman makes it pretty clear that the points so far don’t really matter, and that if you find the Triwizard cup first, you just win the tournament. So theoretically, Fleur, who is in last place, could come out ahead; she could pull off a last minute upset here. It really feels like Whose Line Is It Anyway? points rules.

Andrew: Well, it feels like Quidditch, too; you could be way behind and you catch the Snitch and it’s like, “That’s it, you won. Congratulations.”

Eric: The great equalizer.

Nicole: That’s true, so maybe they’re just like, “If Quidditch can do it, so can we!”

Andrew: [laughs] “Yeah, they’ve gotten away with it, throughout the ages.”

Lexi: For me, it’s like for all that they’ve already gone through, all the… they’ve had to go up against a dragon, they had to go underwater, and then the only thing that they get out of all of that is a few minutes of a head start? Yes, it can make a difference – go Fleur, if she was able to make that happen – but it kind of makes the other two tasks not matter at all, and I would personally be really upset because I would stress so hard over those last two tasks and now it’s like, “What do you mean? None of that even matters?” Anyway. [laughs]

Eric: Well, I mean, look at Fleur, the example of Fleur in the second task, right? She could not get through the task; it was unnecessarily stressful on her specifically to begin with because they had her sister there. So these champions only get three opportunities all year to prove themselves, so I would hate for a bad performance or a poor performance in an earlier task to prevent me or have me completely out of the running for the final task? I don’t know.

Andrew: I actually think this is kind of backwards. I feel like Krum and Fleur should get to go in first because they are behind. It just seems like a nice courtesy advantage.

Micah: And do they get a participation trophy too?

Nicole: I’d be so pissed if that was the case and I was in first place.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: No, but why? You’re already really talented! You don’t need the advantage.

Lexi: So I will say that the person who first touches the Triwizard cup, they get full marks, and so by hearing that, we can also assume that the other three get zero marks, right? Because nothing else is said about them getting any marks.

Eric: Or it might be like 100 marks, 75, 50, and 25?

Micah: But what’s the…? Yeah, that’s the question, is what does full marks mean? Is it enough just to propel you to the win?

Lexi: Yeah, it’s like, is the math mathing there? I don’t know.

Eric: We never find out because something happens.

Lexi: What?

[Andrew and Lexi laugh]

Micah: A vacation to Little Hangleton.

Laura: And honestly, the math never maths in Harry Potter.

Lexi: No, it doesn’t. [laughs]

Eric: The math never maths.

Laura: [laughs] It never does.

Eric: Basically, they’re just getting graded on charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent; let’s be honest. Like, “Who do we like the most? We’ll give them a couple minutes head start.”

Andrew: Right, favoritism.

Eric: That’s fine.

Laura: Well, we also find out that Hagrid is going to be supplying some of the creatures and some of the obstacles that they will encounter in the maze, so there’s been a reason that the Skrewts have been getting named-dropped all year. It’s going to be pretty important.

Nicole: This is another reason…

Micah: I was going to say, I hope they’re locally sourced, because he clearly doesn’t like anything from outside the country.

[Andrew and Lexi laugh]

Laura: Ohhh, yep. Man. Yeah, Hagrid, he goes full xenophobe. [laughs]

Eric: He is flying so high for the Care of Magical Creatures lesson; I was so happy for Hagrid. And then at the end of this chapter, he’s so toxic and angry and xenophobic, and I’m like, “Hagrid, how the mighty fall so quickly.”

Micah: Yeah, great job.

Nicole: I will say, yet another reason why I would go six inches in and send up red sparks is because Hagrid is supplying the creatures, and that’s just bad news bears.

Andrew: [laughs] “I deal with those in class; I’m not dealing with them here. I’m out.”

Eric: That’s true. You know what? I bet if you pleaded to the Goblet of Fire, it would let you out of the whole contract just because Hagrid is involved in procuring these beasts.

Nicole: [laughs] Bring a Powerpoint.

Eric: It’d be like, “Yeah, we didn’t account for Hagrid over the last thousand years; this is fair.”

Nicole: Exactly.

Laura: So let’s get to the point where Harry is basically setting himself up to be murdered. He is drawn away by Krum once Bagman is finished explaining the task, and it ends up being a pretty funny moment because Krum isn’t trying to do anything nefarious to Harry. He’s not trying to get information about how he’s going to approach the task; he just wants to confront him about the truth of his relationship with Hermione, and it turns into this really lovely moment where Harry and Krum kind of fanboy each other.

Micah: Bromance.

Laura: Once it’s established that Harry and Hermione really aren’t a thing and Krum believes him, he’s telling him, “Oh, you flew really well,” and Harry is like, “Oh, man, when I saw you do the Wronski Feint, that was incredible.”

Micah: “Made me faint.”

Laura: And I was just like… do what?

Micah: I’m just providing commentary, sorry.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: He said when he saw him do the Wronski Feint, it made him faint.

Laura: Oh. [laughs] Those were the Dementors, right?

Eric: And Micah, did you call it a “Kromance” earlier too?

Micah: No, no, that’s even better.

Andrew: I heard “Kromance” too.

Micah: I said “bromance,” but “Kromance” works too.

Eric: Oh, there you go.

Laura: Yeah, “Kromance” is the name of this episode.

[Laura and Lexi laugh]

Eric: Yeah. This is a beautiful moment between boys because it actually shows that Krum, who’s substantially older – every time Harry looks at him, he’s like, “There’s this older boy; I’m terrified for my life” – sees him as an equal enough to be a romantic rival for Hermione’s affection, and seeing that dissipate allows Harry to just first of all feel pretty good about himself; second of all, he’s so relieved that it’s about this because then he can assure him, “No, there’s nothing going on with Hermione.” Harry hasn’t had a single thought in Hermione’s direction canonically the entire series, and so he’s happy to help Krum out in this way. And then when they get to compliment each other afterwards, this is good feeling. What could possibly go wrong? This is a great night.

Lexi: So cute. Also, shouts to Hermione for being such a hotshot that there are two celebrities that are in a supposed love triangle with her.

Laura: Right?

Andrew: Jealous.

Lexi: Like, good job, girl. [laughs]

Eric: She’s not like the other girls.

Andrew: No.

Nicole: One of the things that I absolutely adore about Goblet of Fire is it’s really where Hogwarts goes from the middle school vibes – and it really aligns with their ages as well – it goes from middle school vibes to straight up high school. This is the hormone book, and it’s all over the pages. It’s the relationship drama, the jealousy, the rumors, and it makes me so happy I never have to do high school ever again.

[Andrew and Lexi laugh]

Laura: Yep. Plus one. [laughs]

Lexi: So I have a question for this group that came up with our Fantasy Fangirls community: Do you consider Viktor morally gray?

Eric: What is the evidence that he’s anything but a stand-up guy?

Lexi: That’s what I’m saying here because for instance, we recently did a “Who was your first morally gray crush?” and quite a few people were like, “Viktor Krum.” And for me it’s like, no, out of Harry Potter it would be Draco Malfoy; he’s the morally gray crush, right?

Nicole: Yes.

Lexi: Nicole, “Yes.” [laughs]

Nicole: I’ve read a lot of Dramione fanfic, though, so…

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Vindicated! That’s a morally gray pairing.

Lexi: Yeah, this is a perfect opportunity to ask this group to see if you can settle the surprising debate, because I do not consider him morally gray whatsoever.

Eric: I think it’s a movie-ism with how dark Durmstrang is portrayed. The only thing I can think of against Krum is who his Headmaster is, which is not Krum’s fault at all, and the closeness that this shady former Death Eater has with Krum is because he’s there to mentor him and that’s the only reason Krum can enter this competition. So I think it’s because he’s often portrayed in these dark corners wearing long furs, but he’s just a broody boy who never asked for the fame that he got. He likes being good at a sport, and he’s here – despite not loving the attention at all – to grasp just whatever tiny bit of glory he can possibly get out of life, dammit. And I don’t know; I think that he’s adorable.

Andrew: And he invites you into the forest to have a conversation from time to time.

[Lexi and Nicole laugh]

Andrew: So what? Who hasn’t been there?

Eric: Yeah, definitely not to shank you and steal your wallet, none of that.

[Andrew and Lexi laugh]

Eric: It would never occur to Viktor.

Andrew: Just talk, yeah.

Lexi: I love that. I love that, Eric. I wholeheartedly agree with you, yes. [laughs]

Nicole: I also will say, we’re reading a book in a language that he does not speak, so we also don’t know a whole lot about Krum, and maybe if it was in his spoken language, of all of the conversations and everything, we would have a broader pool to pull from.

Eric: Nicole, that is such an important point as well.

Nicole: Thank you. [laughs]

Eric: Because it also seems like we… you can find it endearing that he’s like, “Hermy-oh-ninny” and still can’t get it, but it does make him seem less intelligent because of that obstacle, and so he’s even… if he were allowed to converse in his native language, and if Harry or literally anybody else would take a second language for crying out loud, they’d be able to have more prolonged conversations. I wonder if Hermione is learning to speak Viktor’s language?

Nicole: No.

Eric: Well, she definitely is, but also, I wonder if she’s learning to speak his spoken language.

Nicole: She’s learning the language of his body, that’s for sure.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: The international language… of love.

Andrew: Don’t tell Ron.

Lexi: In the movie version he’s more physical, and it’s like, I did not get that vibes in the book, but okay. [laughs]

Laura: Yeah, seriously. Well, don’t let him see Deathly Hallows – Part 1. There’s a scene in that that I think he would get very jealous of.

Eric: Go on, Micah.

Micah: Eric, I agree with you. I do think that there’s nothing to counteract him being a stand-up guy. Speaking of Deathly Hallows, his reaction to the Deathly Hallows, to the symbol of Grindelwald…

Eric: Oh, yeah!

Nicole: That’s true.

Micah: … is proof enough that he’s a good guy.

Eric: Not all Durmstrangs are bad.

Lexi: Exactly.

Micah: I think it’s just… and unfortunately, we see this come through Hagrid in this chapter. But I think it’s just a lot to do with the way he’s particularly written in this book but then softens up as we move our way through Goblet of Fire and into some of the future books where he’s referenced, and then, of course, he makes an appearance at the wedding in Deathly Hallows.

Andrew: And to that point, I was going to say maybe while you’re in the middle of reading this you might have questions about him and his motives, but by the end, there’s nothing there to consider him morally gray or a bad guy.

Lexi: Right. For instance, when he does Crucio on Cedric in the maze, and it’s just like, “Oh my God, he is bad!” And then of course he ended up being under the Imperius Curse, and it’s like, “Oh, okay, so he is just…” Poor guy is a victim. Viktor is just a victim.

Nicole: I think he’s just a shy guy who likes a girl a lot. And honestly, I kind of feel for him, because Ron by no means stole Krum out from under… wait. Let me try that again.

[Lexi laughs]

Laura: I would read that fanfic.

[Everyone laughs]

Nicole: Ron by no means stole Hermione out from under Krum; Hermione made her own choice and all that kind of stuff, but he also was… she was like, “I’ll go visit you.” Like, the signs were green to Krum.

Lexi: I would’ve stuck with Krum, personally, but…

Nicole: I would as well.

Lexi: I love my Ron, but I mean, come on. It’s Viktor Krum. [laughs]

Eric: Wow.

Andrew: Yeah, but Ron has been there since the beginning. School sweethearts.

Eric: Maybe if Hermione had stuck with Krum there wouldn’t be an article years later about how she regrets that decision.

[Andrew and Lexi laugh]

Eric: If you guys remember Wonderland‘s article.

Andrew: Oh, yeah.

Laura: All right. Well, Nicole has inspired us and we’re going to take a quick break to go read some Dramione fanfiction. We’ll be right back.

Nicole: Might I make some recommendations?

[Everyone laughs]

[Ad break]

Laura: Well, I hope nobody got too hot and bothered while they were reading that Dramione fanfiction, because now…

[Andrew and Lexi laugh]

Andrew: Nicole did, but we’re not going to talk about it.

Eric: It was probably an ad for toothpaste or razors or something.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Laura: Well, we’re about to talk about Crouch Senior, so that’s, I think, going to simmer everybody a little bit.

Micah: Speak for yourself.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Sorry.

Laura: Hey, Micah, to each their own. So they see movement in the forest, and they find Barty Crouch, Sr. rambling to a nearby tree, clearly thinking that it’s Percy and giving it work instructions. And his timing is clearly totally off because he’s talking about things that happened six to eight months ago, so this man does not know where he is. He’s talking about the number of students that Karkaroff and Maxime will be bringing to Hogwarts for the tournament, and he’s talking about going to a concert with his wife and son and the Fudges.

Eric: So that’s years ago. That’s actually many years ago.

Laura: Yeah, so it’s like he’s going from, “Oh, the beginning of the Triwizard Tournament, but then I’m going to go back 15-20 years to talk about this.” He just doesn’t know what’s going on right now. [laughs]

Andrew: Percy should be flattered that he’s talking about him even in his disoriented state. Yeah, he’s still calling him Weatherby, but still, I would be touched.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Eric: Well, here’s a crazy theory: What if Crouch had an assistant named Weatherby 15 years ago?

Andrew: Ohh.

Lexi: Oh, and that’s just his name for his assistant?

Laura: Honestly…

Eric: And that the reason that he calls Percy “Weatherby” is not because he doesn’t care, but because already he’s so stressed out and under the Imperius and other stuff that he can’t…

Andrew: That’s an interesting theory.

Eric: Because here’s the other thing: Apart from the Weatherby not really being there, everything else Crouch says I take as 100% true. So it’s such a lazy thing in writing to have a crazy person actually be crazy; this is not the kind of book this is. Everything Crouch says probably happened at a point in time. Those were memorandums he had to dictate; I bet they actually went to the concert with Mr. and Mrs. Fudge.

Laura: Right.

Eric: And his getting 12 OWLs, which is two more than Hermione, by the way. Barty Crouch, Jr. is brilliant. I think that each of those events happened, so the question is, why not Weatherby? I think he used to have an assistant named that.

Micah: The other thing that could be possible is that his mind has been addled so much that that’s what he calls him. He at one point referred to him… because it always strikes me as strange. “Weasley,” right? It’s a known name; he knows Arthur, presumably. Why would he refer to Percy as “Weatherby”? So I actually really like that idea, Eric, but I also think it’s possible maybe the Imperius Curse messed him up so much that he doesn’t know what he’s calling Percy.

Eric: The names have to be the… yeah, there’s that disconnect there. Clearly, his emotional and mental degradation is vast. Look at what a trip he just took.

Andrew: #WheresWeatherby?

[Laura and Lexi laugh]

Lexi: I will say, he does also talk about Karkaroff and Madame Maxime, so it is still muddling those present day occurrences there too. And then when he started calling Percy Weatherby, it was before his son had left and… no, actually, it was before Voldemort… yeah.

Eric: It was before Voldemort Imperiused him, yeah. But so you’re right, so because Percy is present day, it could just be that he’s present-daying things that happened long ago.

Andrew: He also could have been in a stable state and still confused him with his old assistant.

Eric: That too.

Lexi: I love that idea so much that he just calls all of his assistants Weatherby.

[Andrew and Lexi laugh]

Laura: Honestly, that’s his Miranda Priestly moment. Everyone is Emily.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: The other theory is that Percy didn’t want to be known in any relation to the Weasleys, so he actually gave Crouch a false name when he started working for him.

Lexi: That’s another idea there too.

Nicole: But doesn’t he get all embarrassed and red-cheeked when he calls him Weatherby for the first time in front of…? I think it’s only when he calls him in front of Fred and George, because Fred and George are going to mock him mercilessly. So actually, I’m still on board with this theory because maybe he did want to do that, and then when Crouch called him that in front of his family, he was like, “Oh no, they figured out that I gave him a fake name.”

Lexi: It’s interesting – as we’re talking about the Imperius Curse – how later on we’ll learn that Mr. Crouch learned how to fight the Imperius Curse after only a few months of being under it, while it took his son years and years to successfully fight it when Crouch had it placed under him, despite being a very smart cookie, like you said, Eric, there with his 12 OWLs. And then Harry is like, “Okay, hold my beer,” and then he figures out how to fight the curse within just minutes during his lesson, so I thought that was very interesting where it’s… [laughs]

Eric: Drastically uneven. The only thing I can think of that would give Crouch Senior the edge is wasn’t Crouch Senior the one that placed it on Crouch Junior all these years? To keep Crouch Junior from breaking out, going back to reunite with his Death Eater friends, all that stuff. So I have a feeling that if you know how the curse works, or if you’re familiar with wielding it, maybe it gives you some kind of edge to break it off. But he’s under the Imperius Curse from none other than Voldemort himself, or Wormtail, and so it’s still extremely impressive that Crouch can even be here in any form.

Lexi: Well, and then we get so many just – again, calling back to what we were saying earlier about with Winky – so many clues into the full story here where on a reread it’s just so satisfying. He’s struggling to say how he escaped, and he has to warn Dumbledore and how all these things are his fault, Bertha dead, his son, and then how the Dark Lord is getting stronger. And then he even drops “Harry Potter,” and excuse me, but that would keep me up at night. Harry instead is like, “I’m just going to go find Dumbledore,” and I would have been like, “Tell me more! Tell me more!” kind of thing. Anyway, I just am always like, “How does he…?” He tells Dumbledore about that, and of course he tells his friends that, but then it’s kind of like, “Okay,” and then he just keeps on living his life. I guess just Harry Potter, but anyway…

Laura: Yeah, it is funny that he presses Winky, but that in this moment, he’s like, “Eh…”

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: “Is he sober enough yet?”

Lexi: That is such a good point.

Andrew: You mentioned how he says the Dark Lord is getting stronger, and when Harry relays this to Dumbledore, he’s like, “Indeed,” or something like that. He’s not surprised to hear this information at all, and I guess it has to do with the Dark Mark, but it was very surprising to me to see Dumbledore be so passĆ© about this little revelation.

Lexi: And then same with Bertha being dead too. It’s like, that’s been a huge mystery, and now it’s just dropped right there, like, “Oh yeah, by the way, she’s dead.” And again, you’d think that him being so nosy, would have a few more questions.

Laura: Yeah, for sure. I think he’s still just stuck on the idea that who he saw on the Marauder’s Map was Crouch Senior, and now that he’s run into Crouch Senior on the Hogwarts grounds, he’s focusing too much on that connection and he’s not thinking about the rest of it.

Lexi: Good point. Tunnel vision.

Laura: And I think that it’s a big part of the reason that he’s so quick to say, “Okay, Krum, you stay here with this man who is in some kind of state; I’m going to go get Dumbledore, and hopefully nothing happens to y’all in this forest while I’m gone.”

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Like, why the heck…? Isn’t Levicorpus a thing? Don’t we see that used in Prisoner of Azkaban?

Nicole:Accio Crouch!”

Laura: Right!

Andrew: He could’ve picked him up. He hasn’t been eating, he’s been crawling, he’s probably been losing weight.

Nicole: Krum is a pretty strong, raw dude.

Lexi: Isn’t Krum a beefy dude?

Andrew: He’s described as brutish, isn’t he, at some point? Yeah, he definitely could have picked him up.

Micah: He could’ve used the Imperius Curse to get him up there.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Too soon?

Lexi: But absolutely, they could’ve… I think, yes, there was a better solution than Harry leaving Krum with him to go and get Dumbledore. Now, also, it was a little bit frantic, where everyone’s like, “Oh my God, you just came out of the woods” kind of thing, so nobody’s thinking straight, but yeah.

Micah: Or Hagrid. He’s not that far away.

Andrew: Hagrid is good at carrying bodies, as we later learn, so he can…

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: Not if they’re foreigners!

[Lexi and Nicole laugh]

Micah: Luckily, Crouch is local, so it’d be fine.

Laura: Yeah, he’s very English, so I think you’d be okay. So I have to ask, though, I mean, do we think that Dumbledore has any kind of moment of suspicion here about Krum? Because Harry, he runs to Dumbledore’s office; of course Snape is there, and Snape just does what Snape does…

Eric: It’s a whole thing.

Laura … and he just totally blocks the situation, doesn’t understand the urgency of what’s going on, and is just like, “Oh, Harry Potter, I’m going to make your life hell.” And when Harry mentions to Dumbledore as they’re going back down to the forest that he left Crouch with Krum, Dumbledore says, “You did?” and he says it sharply.

Andrew: [imitating Dumbledore] “What the heck, Harry?”

Laura: And then he increases his speed. He puts the pedal to the metal.

Andrew: “Double time; let’s go.”

[Lexi and Nicole laugh]

Nicole: I think it’s more of the distrust. I don’t know how much Dumbledore knows about Krum. Maybe it’s also because he’s associated with Karkaroff, and by associated, I mean he’s literally just a student at his school. I don’t know if he’s just in the dark and so he’s kind of a question mark, and that’s why he picks up his pace?

Lexi: I was under the impression that it was more about something’s wrong with Mr. Crouch, and there was more of that concern for Krum versus against Krum.

Eric: Yeah, I think it’s like, “You let him unsupervised alone?” Literally what happens is a third party that’s interested in them comes over and knocks Krum out, could have killed Krum if it weren’t for the unique circumstances of Barty Crouch, Jr. a.k.a. Mad-Eye Fakey’s double agency here. He would have killed to get his dad out of the picture.

Nicole: That’s true.

Lexi: Yeah. I guess… when I was first reading this – I remember it so vividly – I assumed Krum was safe only because Ron was so adamantly against Krum, and Ron is always wrong. Harry is 99% of the time wrong, but Ron is 110% of the time wrong, and so as soon as he said that Krum was a bad guy, I was like, “Oh, well, obviously he’s fine.”

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Unless he’s joking.

Andrew: He has some gems from time to time.

Micah: No, yeah, when Ron jokes, that’s when Ron is correct.

[Nicole laughs]

Lexi: Yes, exactly.

Andrew: Like he jokes in the last chapter about Dumbledore being able to… an evil wizard could possibly hoodwink Dumbledore, yeah. He has his moments. I call it Smart!Ron.

Lexi: There you go. I really do love Ron; I realize I’m being a little mean to him this episode.

[Nicole laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, sure doesn’t sound like it, Lexi! [laughs]

Lexi: Saying I’d choose Krum versus Ron, and all that stuff.

Laura: So Harry and Dumbledore arrive back to the forest to find Crouch gone and Krum Stunned, so obviously, this plan did not work out very well. And as they’re there kind of just trying to get their bearings on the moment of what’s happened and where Crouch Senior has gone, we get another clever Fakey moment. So he limps up saying he’d have been here sooner if it weren’t for the damn leg, and he also remarks that Snape said something about Crouch, which we know didn’t happen because it’s revealed later on that he’s been here in the forest the whole time looking for Dad because he has the freakin’ Marauder’s Map so he can see on it that his dad is in the forest. He sees Harry and Krum, he can clearly see Harry on the map run to Dumbledore’s office, run into Snape, and so he’s taking a little bit of a gamble here [laughs] by assuming that everyone would just believe that he had heard it from Snape and that no one would cross reference.

Nicole: That’s my big thing. Why was no one like, “Um, your appearance right now is pretty convenient!”?

Laura: Right.

Nicole: I know that Dumbledore trusts him, but there’s literally a student on the ground unconscious and Moody steps out of the shadows. Sus.

Eric: But he hides it…

Laura: And it’s not the first time.

[Nicole laughs]

Micah: Nope.

Laura: He does this multiple times.

Eric: It’s all about the charisma. It’s all about the opening line. “I would have been here sooner; it’s this damn leg.”

Andrew: That’s the suspicious part.

Eric: That’s what it is! You cast all suspicions off and just deflect.

Nicole: Dumbledore is smarter than that.

Lexi: I think about them being in the teachers’ lounge and talking, gossiping about this dramatic event that happened, and you would think that by each of the people telling their side of the story, specifically Snape and whatnot, like you were saying, Laura, that it would come out where it’s like, “Wait a second, that’s not what I heard” sort of thing, and… yeah. [laughs]

Micah: Are we to assume that the Patronus was sent to all members of the Order that were at Hogwarts, or just to Hagrid? Because then Mad-Eye could get out of it by saying, “Oh, well, Albus, I got your message.”

Laura: I have a question, and I don’t think we ever get an answer to this: Would he have gotten the Patronus? Because he’s not actually Mad-Eye Moody. Would it have still worked?

Andrew: See, that magical eye still works; I’m still inclined to believe the Patronus would go to him.

Micah: It would just be banging on the chest in Moody’s office.

Andrew: [laughs] Like a robot vacuum trying to get through a door.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: If Fakey were in his office, he’d be able to see the Patronus come in and start to deliver news to the trunk, and he’d be like, “Okay, here we go.”

Lexi: Oh my gosh. Sorry, all I can think about is from the recent book we read, When the Moon Hatched, where they have something called parchment larks, which is essentially paper planes that are considered how you send messages and they know who it’s to go to by their blood and that’s all I can think about right now.

Andrew: Ohh.

Nicole: Absolutely what I thought about too.

Lexi: It’s very convenient.

[Lexi and Nicole laugh]

Laura: That’s why I just have to think that there has to be some kind of way for Patronus instant messaging to determine who is actually the right recipient.

Nicole: Especially considering it’s such high-level magic. You’d think… I’m team it knows what’s up. [laughs] That’s my hard stance right there.

Lexi: Yeah, I would go with that too. I’d never thought about that before. I love it.

Laura: So we have a little connecting the threads moment here; we don’t find this out at this point in this chapter, but we do learn that this is where Crouch Junior murders his dad…

Lexi: Womp-womp.

Laura: … and it’s an interesting threads moment to connect because much like Voldemort, Barty Crouch, Jr. takes out the father that he levied so much resentment against.

Nicole: And I also just have to point out that this murder is nothing short of Shakespearean because his son literally kills him, covers him with a Invisibility Cloak, like, “Night-night,” tucks him in, and then later comes back to turn his dead body into a bone and then buries it. I know you hate your dad, but wow, that’s a hard stance right there.

[Andrew laughs]

Lexi: Makes me wonder what else is in that forest, my goodness.

[Lexi and Nicole laugh]

Nicole: Well, there’s the Resurrection Stone, actually.

[Andrew and Lexi laugh]

Eric: Listen, Barty Crouch… I’m not justifying anything that he does in this chapter, but he worked real hard for those 12 OWLs, and did his father ever say, “Congrats, buddy”? Did his father ever say, “Nice job”? No.

Andrew: “Where was validation from my dad?”

Nicole: He was bragging to a tree about it.

Andrew: [laughs] And that tree is now so proud too.

[Everyone laughs]

Lexi: The tree will be his final resting place, yeah.

Laura: But seriously, this should be a cautionary tale for the potential for true crime and murder at Hogwarts because if it’s that easy to hide a body in the Forbidden Forest, why is anyone going anywhere near it?

Lexi: Right.

Nicole: Krum?

[Andrew laughs]

Lexi: Well, nobody else is; it’s just Harry who finds his way over there every year, it seems.

[Laura and Lexi laugh]

Lexi: And Fred and George, too, I should say.

Andrew: It is funny the Hogwarts students get that announcement… is it just a movie-ism? No, it can’t be. “The Forbidden Forest is strictly forbidden.”

Lexi: No, it’s in the first book.

Laura: It’s in the books.

Eric: Everyone knows the forest is… yeah.

Andrew: So that sort of speech should have been handed over to these kids who were visiting for most of the year too.

Lexi: Cautionary tale?

Andrew: Yeah. Of course, that was foreshadowing what happens in Book 1, but still.

Lexi: Forest-shadowing.

Andrew: Ohhh!

[Laura and Nicole laugh]

Laura: It’s not like Harry hasn’t already had several traumatic experiences in the Forbidden Forest. Like, what are you doing?

Andrew: No big at this point to go in there.

Laura: Yeah, it was for the plot. They had to go in there for the plot. That’s it.

Lexi: Good ol’ plot convenience. [laughs]

Eric: I also like that Crouch making his way to Hogwarts here gives extra evidence to the fact… because we still think it was Crouch that made his way into Snape’s office, so this is sort of the evidence that that at least is still plausible, because he made it here once before secretly, so we’re like, “Oh, he’s just doing it again. He’s familiar with it.”

Micah: But who showed up conveniently right after that? Moody.

Laura: That’s the thing; every time there’s… our spidey senses should be going off every time Moody just appears around the corner when something crazy is happening.

Nicole: And yet… oh, sorry. Go for it.

Laura: Oh, no, you go ahead.

Nicole: I was going to say, and then at the end, we’re all like, “It was him the whole time?!”

[Andrew and Lexi laugh]

Micah: And you’d think four books into it we would know something is up with the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor by now.

[Everyone laughs]

Lexi: And then I love how in Book 5 it’s just like, “Here you go. She’s the bad guy, everybody.” [laughs]

Laura: “We’re not going to make you guess.” It looks like we have a game segment.

Eric: I’m very excited about this segment. It was kind of last minute, because at the end of this chapter, Hagrid turns into a real piece of work. He’s mad about Maxime. Getting some real incel vibes, actually, from him. But Karkaroff makes a move and Hagrid picks him up, throws him against the… I think even Dumbledore is shocked; Dumbledore has never seen Hagrid as wild and feral as he is. So I was talking about this chapter to Meg, and she was like, “You know, these things that Hagrid is saying sound a lot like things that Uncle Vernon would say about about ‘those darn foreigners.'” And so I have a game segment: Who said it, Racist!Hagrid or Uncle Vernon?

[Andrew imitates game show music]

Eric: Okay. [imitates game show music] Here’s three rounds. We’ll pick one person for each one, or we each go through it. Who wants to be the first contestant?

Andrew: Ooh, me, me. I want to go.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Oh, okay, okay. Andrew, here’s the quote, and you have to tell me whether it was Hagrid or Uncle Vernon. And I’ve removed the accent from this dialogue so as to make it harder to detect Hagrid. Okay, the quote is: “What were you doing wandering off with Krum? He could’ve jinxed you right there, couldn’t he, Harry? He’s from Durmstrang.”

Andrew: See, I feel like Vernon said something similar to him about Krum, but that was in a later book, so I think this one’s Hagrid.

Eric: Ding ding ding! This is Hagrid shade on Durmstrang students; they can’t be trusted. Hmm.

Micah: Also, Vernon can’t pronounce “Durmstrang.”

Eric: Who’s the next contestant?

Lexi: I’ll be the next contestant.

Eric: Okay, let’s see. Here you go. Here’s the quote: “The less you lot have to do with these foreigners, the happier you’ll be. You can’t trust any of them.”

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Geez.

Lexi: I’m going to go with Hagrid because Vernon doesn’t want Harry to be happy no matter what.

Eric: Oh my gosh, that’s good. That slipped past me in picking these quotes. Lexi, you’re right.

[Lexi laughs]

Laura: Full marks.

Eric: It’s Hagrid again, Hagrid saying, “You can’t trust any of these foreigners, and the less you have to do with them, the happier you’ll be.” Okay, who’s the next contestant?

Nicole: I’ll volunteer as tribute.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: All right, Nicole, here we go. Okay, third and final quote, similar to the ones before it. It’s a reiteration of “Can’t trust any of them!”

Nicole: You know, considering that we’ve heard something similar previously, I’m going to go… Hagrid.

Eric: That’s right!

[Lexi and Nicole laugh]

Eric: Hagrid was the correct answer. Special guest racist Hagrid is the correct answer on all three of these quotes, and there’s a lot worse in this chapter about Maxime only wanting… trying to nice up to him and all this other stuff. Hagrid is awful. And I wanted to give him my MVP because the Care of Magical Creatures class with the Nifflers is above and beyond the coolest thing I think I’ve ever seen at Hogwarts…

Micah: Oh, you mean the one where Ron felt horrible for himself afterwards? That was great.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Well, even though there was… maybe he gets a little points off for that.

Laura and Micah: That wasn’t his fault.

Andrew: Hagrid is like a moderate Democrat, okay?

[Nicole laughs]

Andrew: He’s down with the times, but sometimes he leans a little to the right.

Eric: You know what’s leaning to the right? That tree that Karkaroff was slammed into; it’s kind of half uprooted because of that power. Could have broken his… but Dumbledore was shocked. Dumbledore was absolutely like, “You have to get out of here. Take Harry up to the Gryffindor common room. Make sure he doesn’t go anywhere else.” But you think he was doing that for Harry? No, he was doing that for Hagrid. He’s like, “You need to leave my sight; you are dangerous right now.”

Lexi: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Karkaroff had a point that they were… what was the exact quote? But it was something about how “You’re all doing this against us; it’s all a big setup against us.” And we obviously know that Dumbledore wouldn’t do that and all that, but he has a good point.

Andrew: Yes!

Lexi: Now, he shouldn’t spit at him; he went a little too far there, but…

Eric: Voldemort is a British wizard. Wormtail is a British wizard. The Crouches are British wizards. All these British wizards are responsible for all the bad things that happen in this book. Is there a conspiracy from Britain?

Lexi: Wow.

Micah: I’m with Lexi here, though, because imagine if you’re the headmaster of Durmstrang and you happen upon the scene, Eric. What would your reaction be? Your champion lying on the ground, Stunned with a bunch of Hogwarts professors around him, and Harry, no less, who we all know you don’t really like, assuming you’re Karkaroff. Yeah, how would you react?

Eric: The shame of it is that it does look suspicious, and that Harry and Viktor… if Viktor had been able to speak for himself in this moment… Viktor and Harry were getting on as best as they ever had when this actually occurred, and that’s the shame. So when he faults Dumbledore and is like, “You’re always talking about international magical cooperation,” Harry and Viktor were just embodying perfect international cooperation. Like, “Hey, are you with Hermione?” “No, I’ve never been with Hermione.” “Awesome. I like being with Hermione.” “Great.” That’s fantastic! That’s cooperation!

[Micah laughs]

Lexi: I agree with you. And then he did get attacked by who seems Mr. Crouch.

Andrew: It has been totally unfair since Harry’s name came out of the Goblet of Fire and Dumbledore was just like, “Eh, rules are rules. I’m sorry, can’t do anything else about it.”

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Lexi, you bring out a great point. Karkaroff has reason to be very frustrated right now. I don’t blame him.

Lexi: And he should not have spit on Dumbledore, but yeah, I read that first and I was like, “Okay, but can we give him a little bit of credit?” Somebody should really be looking into Hogwarts right now. I mean, they should have been way earlier, too…

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Welcome to Book 4.

Laura: Yup. It doesn’t get any better. Spoilers.

Eric: Only gotten worse…

Micah: One of the things that I think is really interesting about this chapter, both with Hagrid and actually with Molly – we didn’t talk about it – but you get to see different sides of these characters. We always think about it as Hagrid is a good character, Molly is a good character. Well, they have both good and not-so-good qualities about them. Molly’s really does come through. I don’t think she was just being mindful of the fact that Hermione’s parents are dentists, so she sent her a smaller chocolate egg for Easter.

[Andrew and Lexi laugh]

Micah: And Hagrid, yeah, I mean, he’s going through some feelings right now, I think, and he doesn’t really know how to quite express them.

Laura: He’s having big feelings. He really is.

Andrew: Big feelings about his little guy.

Nicole: I will say, I’ve been on this podcast before and gave a Hagrid high horse “I do not like him” speech. I will not do that again. But I will say that this stretch of Hagrid – Nifflers aside – but this stretch of Hagrid, this side of Hagrid, I should say, is really one of the reasons I am not a fan of that dude.

Lexi: I’m going to have to defend him in my MVP for the Niffler thing. [laughs]

Eric: Oh, because you still… you don’t want to think of a better MVP? You just want to stick by your man Hagrid? Listen, I will say easily these actions are inexcusable of Hagrid. However, the part that we didn’t talk about in this chapter with all the hate mail that Hermione is getting, Hagrid not only reveals that when Rita Skeeter did a hit piece on him that Rita’s same posse of people, probably, were mailing Hagrid, the things that they told him to do, like, “Go jump in the lake if you have any decency,” “Your mother was dangerous,” horrible, horrible things. I feel nothing but sadness. Yikes on Hagrid here, but sadness for him. He’s in a bad place. He doesn’t feel he can trust Madame Maxime even making good, his heart is broken, etc., etc. Nothing he does is excusable, but it is understandable to a certain extent.

Lexi: Yes.

Laura: Yeah. Well, he doesn’t have the tools to be able to process things like this…

Lexi: That’s a good point.

Laura: … in a productive way.

Eric: In a healthy…

Micah: Very rarely has a filter too.

Laura: Right.

Nicole: You mean all the secrets?

Micah: And he could be drunk. I mean, he’s drinking most of the time.

Nicole: All the secrets he gives away that he just… [makes gibberish sounds]

Andrew: Just imagine Winky and Hagrid going to the bar together and then trying to go toe-to-toe.

Laura: I know. [laughs]

Andrew: I mean, Winky would obviously die; there would be no doubt about it.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: I mean, Winky is way better at keeping herself in check when she’s wasted.

Andrew: That is true. That is true.

Laura: She’s way better at that than Hagrid.

Andrew: I’ll circle back on that in a couple minutes.


Odds & Ends


Laura: Well, let’s get into some odds and ends. First of all, again, we didn’t spend too much time on the Rita Skeeter angle in this chapter, but Harry does suggest to Hermione that perhaps Rita had her bugged and that’s how she overheard her summer plans with Viktor and it got reported in Witch Weekly.

Nicole: And I love that Hermione then mentions that in Hogwarts: A History all tech goes absolutely haywire in the magical air, which I do have to ask, what on earth does that look like in Hogwarts 2024 version?

Laura: Right?

Nicole: Because our phones are attached to us. They’re here all the time, so it’s like…

Eric: If my phone doesn’t work at Hogwarts, I’m not going. I don’t care.

[Everyone laughs]

Nicole: If I can’t TikTok, there’s no reason!

Eric: Take a whole year off of TikTok? Absolutely not.

Andrew: That’s sad; don’t admit that. I’m gladly going to Hogwarts because there’s no tech working there.

Nicole: Well, I wonder if their phone has been embedded into their wand, if they are able to search the…

Lexi: Like a magic hotspot, so to speak?

[Lexi and Nicole laugh]

Lexi: So the author did a long time ago make a comment about how technology nowadays and Google and things like that, and wizards as a whole would not participate in these Muggle online activities because they think that they are better than it, but they would have fun just going and typing into Google and essentially looking at it as a fun experiment, as a fun hobby, so to speak. So I don’t know how the children would be with that, but…

Eric: Maybe the future Muggle Studies room is like a computer lab that’s lead-lined on the walls.

Andrew: Oh, that could be cool.

Nicole: I like that.

Lexi: I love that.

Andrew: So Ron also says that he hates being poor, and Hermione suggests that they’ll get him a Niffler next Christmas, but that makes you wonder, could this be a viable way to earn some extra money in the wizarding world? It’s like the equivalent of having a metal detector here in the Muggle world.

Nicole: Passive income.

Andrew: You’d take your Niffler down to the beach behind Hogwarts and you send it looking for some coins.

Eric: Or just some of these common room couches, honestly. The little coins just in the corner of the couches.

[Lexi laughs]

Eric: See, Nifflers are a morally gray character I can get behind, right? Because they are cute as hell, but also, they steal from other people, their property, their money out of their pockets, their hard-earned cash, so I would say that the Nifflers are morally gray, not Krum.

[Lexi and Nicole laugh]

Lexi: I love that. I can’t tell you the platypus hole that I went down when I was doing my prep for this outline.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Lexi: I have so many fun facts about platypuses now, everybody.

Nicole: I saw that in the outline and I texted Lexi. I was like, “What is this?” [laughs]

Andrew: “Stop, you’re embarrassing me.”

Eric: Coming up on bonus MuggleCast, facts about the platypus.

Nicole: And I asked and she was like, “I went down such a rabbit hole… or should I say platypus hole.”

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Platy-hole.

Micah: Though the Niffler would get bored living at the Burrow.

Laura and Nicole: Oh.

Lexi: Drag them.

Andrew: You know what, Micah? Stop it!

[Everyone laughs]

Nicole: It would just have all the watches.

Laura: Man, poor Ron. He’s already sad enough as it is because he realized the leprechaun gold disappears, and then he gets his pet Niffler finally and it runs away because it’s like, “There’s nothing for me to do here.”

[Lexi laughs]

Andrew: Ron does really seem sad, because Harry is like, “Oh, I forgot about the leprechaun gold,” and Ron is like, “I wish I could forget about money.” It’s a bummer of a note.

Eric: It’s uncomfortable.

Micah: Yeah, it’s a bad moment for Harry.

Lexi: I still think that was not cool of Harry from the get-go, when he’s like, “Oh, I have all this money. Sure, I’ll buy this for you, but you know what? You’re not getting a Christmas gift for the next ten years.” It’s like, dude.

Eric: I took that as a joke, though; I really didn’t think he was serious because in the books, it’s often said that Harry in an instant would share all of his gold with all of the Weasleys if he could.

Lexi: I agree with you, and Ron didn’t take it as a joke, and so that’s why it’s like, “Aww.”

Eric: Yeah, that’s crucial. Yeah, so now he feels like he owes Harry one. Yeah, that’s a really good point. One thing I want to point out for an odd and an end: To all the listeners out there who were wondering, “Is there a Mrs. Fudge?” We now know. According to Barty Crouch in his little delusional state, there is a mention of Mrs. Fudge. There is a mention of Mr. and Mrs. Fudge going out for a social event with the Crouches, presumably when both men were vying for the role of future Minister of Magic. So send in your theories about who Mrs. Fudge is. I looked it up on online; there is nothing. There’s absolutely nothing about it. It was never an interview topic, never anything. So I’ve named her Maude in my head, and she calls her husband Cornelius, and they divorced shortly after he became Minister because she never thought he was really going to make it over Crouch, and then when he did, she was like, “I actually can’t stand you. I’m sorry, bye.” It’s a very sad, tragic sort of thing.

Lexi: Well, and then he didn’t have that level-headedness when he went off the deep end, after all through Order of the Phoenix, so yeah, I agree with that.

Nicole: He just needed support at home.

Eric: But she’s alive. It’s crucial that she’s alive in my head. Poor woman.

Lexi: So also, Mr. Crouch mentions that there is a memo from the Andorran Minister of Magic, and me not knowing much about my geography because I focus way more on fantasy geography, I know, I was like, “Huh, let’s Google it.” So I looked it up, and Andorra is a tiny independent principality situated between France and Spain in the mountains, and it’s known for its ski resorts. So boom, there’s a new bucket list place for me. I’m just full of random facts.

Andrew: [laughs] I could see the Grangers going there for a winter holiday, skiing in Andorra, and Hermione will go and check out the Ministry of Magic there.

Laura: Don’t they actually mention that they do that at Christmas one year?

Andrew: Ski?

Micah: French Alps?

Andrew: Oh, maybe that’s what I’m thinking of, then. That must be… they’re dentists; they’re definitely skiing. No doubt about it.

Micah: Andorra is a good Jeopardy country to remember.

Lexi: It is. So anyway, that was a good fun fact from me.

Eric: It’s less than 200 miles wide, but Crouch is talking about speaking with the Andorran Minister for Magic, which means this tiny country has its own Ministry. So something crazy magical is going on in that country; that is a huge red flag.

Andrew: Micah, you want to mention the 12 OWLs?

Micah: Yeah, this got brought up earlier, but the 12 OWLs. We always try and call out when the number 7 or the number 12 gets mentioned in these chapters. And also, another mention of 12 was when Crouch was going through the students that were coming from Durmstrang and Beauxbatons, so we’ve often wondered how many students came for this and I believe Crouch said round dozen, so he was going to go back to Maxime to let her know that she could have more to equal that of what Karkaroff was bringing.

Eric: And Maxime was like, “Great, I have an 8-year-old who’s been wanting to come along with us.”

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: And she loves to swim underwater.

Andrew: She loves to be traumatized.

Eric: In February!

Laura: She loves to play hostage. Yeah, I mean, it’s another example of how if you’re wondering what the number is going to be in Harry Potter, it’s either 7 or 12. Unless I’m trying to give you that hint when we’re playing Quizzitch Live and I mislead 80% of you into getting the question wrong.

Eric: In that case, it’s never.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: One day we should have an episode of MuggleCast with 12 people on it. We’ve definitely done a seven-person panel.

Eric: Well, we’ve done a 12-hour live MuggleCast.

Andrew: Oh, that’s true.

Laura: We did.

Micah: And we used to have seven hosts.

Andrew: Right. Okay, so we’ve already done all that. Never mind.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: No more work, please.

Lexi: That’s what happens when you’ve been doing this for so long, right? [laughs]


MVP of the Week


Andrew: Okay, it’s time for MVP of the Week.

[MVP of the Week music plays]

Andrew: I’m going to give it to Winky for being able to hold in those secrets even under extreme alcohol abuse. Look, as adults, we have all been there when we’ve maybe had a little too much to drink and we’ve been very, very tempted to say things, and Winky held it together, even though she probably had to, but still, I’m impressed.

Eric: I’m going to give my MVP to Crouch Senior just for escaping Voldemort’s Imperius Curse and making it all the way to Hogwarts. Wow. That actually alone makes me think a lot more of him as an adult wizard than anything else in this series.

Micah: I’m going to give it to the birds. I mean, they were really busy in this particular chapter.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: Pigwidgeon getting sent to Sirius, Hedwig going to Percy, all the owls that had to bring Hermione her hate mail, the phoenix Patronus that Dumbledore sends, the eagle owl arriving for Barty Crouch – or sorry, Moody. Yeah, I mean, they’re working overtime in this chapter, harder than the house-elves.

Laura: Ooh.

Nicole: Drag ’em.

Eric: Well, the house-elves are working hard at covering Winky up.

Nicole: They’re preoccupied.

[Andrew and Lexi laugh]

Laura: I’m going to give mine to good guy Krum. I think if you had any reservations about him, they should be gone by the time you read this chapter. He’s just a really, really solid dude at the end of the day.

Micah: Would you ever call him Krum-bun?

Nicole: Yes.

Eric: You will now.

Laura: Krum-bun?

[Lexi laughs]

Laura: Okay, now I’m imagining Viktor Krum but with one of those man buns that were really popular in the 2010s. [laughs]

Lexi: Oh, yeah.

Nicole: I’m going to go with the Krumance, or should I say the almost Krumance, because I think that Harry and Krum would have been sports bros like nobody’s business, and it actually really hurts my heart that they never got a chance to explore that relationship. So the little flame that flickered, that’s my MVP.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: I love that.

Lexi: Well, mine was going to be Hagrid, but then everybody dragged him this episode for very understandable good reasons. I am not defending… [laughs]

Eric: Well, after hearing all the racist things he said, you’re like, “I can’t possibly stand by Hagrid.”

Lexi: Because I admit that when I was doing this part of the outline, I was kind of reading the chapter in bits and I hadn’t read the last few pages yet. But I was really so proud of him for the lesson that he did for Care of Magical Creatures and how he was there for Hermione, and how he really is… besides that last little part there where he was going through some big feelings. He worked so hard to prepare for that class, digging, really, really preparing for that class. Everybody had such a good time. And then he was so sympathetic and knew the right words to say for Hermione and was very… he doesn’t have a lot of productive successful moments, and so I wanted to give that to him there.

Andrew: But he cares and he loves his friends and he’s a great father figure to Harry, and Ron and Hermione. I’m with you. I’m a very big fan of Hagrid.

Lexi: And he did defend Dumbledore; he is very loyal. And even if his methods were questionable, he did defend Dumbledore big time there. Don’t say bad things about his friends.

Andrew: But that’s all the characters. All the characters are rough around the edges. All the professors have some flaws.

Lexi: Although… yeah, it’s still an L for him in the sense of being a little bit racist there, but everything else, he was the MVP for. [laughs]

Andrew: Well, listeners, if you have any feedback about today’s discussion, you can contact us by emailing or sending a voice memo recorded on your phone to MuggleCast@gmail.com, or you can use our phone number, which is 1-920-3-MUGGLE; that’s 1-920-368-4453. And next week we will discuss Goblet of Fire Chapter 29, “The Dream.”


Quizzitch


Andrew: And now it’s time for Quizzitch!

[Quizzitch music plays]

Eric: Last week’s question was: What food does Harry send to Sirius in his cave that Pigwidgeon alone is not suitable for? The answer is an entire ham. Last week’s winners include LC; Buff Daddy; Cave Rat; Come on, Barty, let’s go party…

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: … Definitely a Hufflepuff; Dumbledore lets Sirius live off rats; Hey, Harry, why so Sirius?; Matt; Merlin’s saggy left earlobe; My seventh birthday party was Harry Potter-themed and my dog was dressed as Rita Skeeter in beetle form…

Laura: Wow.

Andrew: Nice.

Eric: … The donut fried in Snape’s hair oil…

Laura: Eugh.

Eric: Oh man. The indignant house-elf; Tipsy on hiccup butterbeer; Too addicted to powerwash simulator to come up with a clever name…

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: … Tula does a hula in Hawaii; and Water wizard.

Andrew: Nicole and Lexi, the Quizzitch names are just a vehicle for the listeners to speak to us. They offer…

[Laura laughs]

Nicole: They spoke? That is a dissertation. [laughs]

Lexi: I remember last time we were on after y’all did this, I was like, “I’m sorry, what?”

Andrew: I have that same reaction each week. I don’t know what’s happening anymore.

Lexi: It is so much fun. Oh my gosh.

Micah: Can we get proof of the Rita Skeeter dog?

Andrew: Yeah, send a pic.

Laura: Yeah, pics or it didn’t happen.

Nicole: Will you share with us? Because I want to see that.

[Andrew laughs]

Lexi: Fun fact: Nicole also had a Harry Potter-themed birthday party once, and my best friend and I, we had a voice-changing microphone and we hid in a closet and we Sorted everybody, and all the girls that Nicole wasn’t crazy about who had to be invited to the birthday party, of course, were Sorted into Slytherin.

Andrew: [laughs] Brutal.

Lexi: And there was a Potions-making class, which was personal pizza-making. There was wand-making. It was so much fun. I remember that birthday party of yours more than most of mine.

Nicole: I was going to say, you remember that birthday party of mine more than I do.

[Lexi and Nicole laugh]

Andrew: I’m just imagining Nicole coming up with her list of people she wants Sorted into Slytherin and quietly passing it to Lexi.

Nicole: Like, “Here’s my Burn Book.”

Andrew: Yeah, your Burn Book, exactly.

[Laura and Lexi laugh]

Andrew: Slyth-book.

Eric and Nicole: Oh my God.

Eric: So here is next week’s Quizzitch question: Who is the second person that Fakey – which is Barty Crouch, Jr. – says should try for a career as an Auror? He’s actually handing out that specific compliment to multiple people, as it turns out. [laughs] Submit your answer to us on the Quizzitch form on the MuggleCast.com website, MuggleCast.com/Quizzitch, or go to the MuggleCast website, check out transcripts and other stuff, but then click on “Quizzitch” on the main nav.

Andrew: Nicole and Lexi, thank you so much for coming on today. It was a thrill to have you on again. We just love you two.

Nicole: Thank you for having us!

Lexi: Thank you.

Andrew: We’re so proud of everything you’ve accomplished. And can you tell our listeners where they can find you online?

Nicole: We are everywhere on social media at @FantasyFangirlsPod. If you are a fan of the A Court of Thorns and Roses series, or the Empyrean series, which includes Fourth Wing and Iron Flame, we have many, many, many hours of content just like these fine folk here deep diving those books. So you can find us anywhere you listen to podcasts at @FantasyFangirls.

Lexi: And like we said at the top of the episode, we are going to be at LeakyCon as well. We’re so excited to see you. And yeah, we’ll be on doing our live show on Saturday as well as our meetup too.

Nicole: I will run into y’all’s arms, Eric and Micah. Get ready. Prepare yourselves.

Andrew: [laughs] Aww.

Lexi: Nicole is a really intense hugger, too, so be prepared.

Nicole: I have bruised people before.

[Lexi and Nicole laugh]

Lexi: We are so excited, yes. And thank you so much for having us on today.

Eric: Maybe we’ll attach a bell to her so we know when she’s coming. “Who’s that? Oh God, ah!”

Andrew: Listeners, we’ll have links to the Fantasy Fangirls in our show notes. And of course, you can go to MuggleCast.com for our transcripts, our social media links, our full episode archive, our favorite episodes, and much more. And like the Fantasy Fangirls… this is part of the reason why we love you two; we’re both independent podcasts. So check out Patreon.com/MuggleCast and see how you can support us. And if you’re an Apple Podcasts user, you can subscribe to MuggleCast Gold, which gets you ad-free, early access to MuggleCast, plus two bonus MuggleCast installments every month. So that does it for this week’s episode. Thanks, everybody, for listening. Thank you again to the Fantasy Fangirls. I’m Andrew.

Eric: I’m Eric.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: I’m Laura.

Nicole: I’m Nicole.

Lexi: And I’m Lexi.

Andrew: Bye, everybody.

Laura: Bye, y’all.

Lexi: Bye!

Transcript #660

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #660, Sirius and the Cave Rave (GOF Chapter 27: Padfoot Returns)


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into the Wizarding World fandom. I’m Andrew.

Eric Scull: I’m Eric.

Micah Tannenbaum: I’m Micah.

Laura Tee: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: This week, take note. No, we mean it; take notes, because everything you need to know about the plot of Goblet of Fire is revealed in this chapter, so don’t forget any of it. And you could probably say goodbye to this book once you get through this chapter, because you’ll know the whole plot.

Micah: This is it. Chapter by Chapter is over after this episode. Order of the Phoenix starts next week.

Andrew: [laughs] No, no, no. We kid, of course. We kid. But before we get to Chapter by Chapter, first of all, this is our first episode of June, so Happy Pride Month, everybody.

Eric: Yay.

Laura: Happy Pride!

Andrew: We always celebrate. Speaking of that, actually, Eric has a little news you wanted to share today.

Eric: Yes, yes. Pride is hitting differently for me this month. I have an announcement, and there’s kind of only one way to say it, which is to say it. I lately have been on a journey of self-discovery, and a lot of introspection over the last more than half a year, and really, it’s been a while. I’ve concluded that it’s time to come out on the show as gender non-binary, and that can mean a lot of things for a lot of different people; there’s no one way to be it. But my pronouns are updating from he/him to they/them, and I am looking really forward to being on this show with this new addition, with this change of just being my most authentic self. I’ve had friends tell me that I’m the most genuine person they know, and it’s a very kind thing for everyone to say, but I really have loved being part of the show for as long as it was. And now that I know this about myself, I just wanted to share it with you all, and definitely continue being that sort of best version of myself.

Andrew: It’s big news, it’s exciting news, and we’re very happy for you.

Laura: Yeah. I’m so proud of you, too. I mean, happy for you, of course, that you get to live openly as your most authentic self, but also just proud of you, because it takes bravery to not only come out… I can’t even… it’s not an experience I can relate to personally, but I have to imagine that also coming out on a larger scale, like in front of a podcast audience, is an even bigger step to take. And I’m so proud of you and I’m just so happy that you felt loved and supported to be able to do that, and we all just love you so much.

Eric: I’m really grateful to you guys. You guys have all been supportive. There was a time where I was like, “Oh, how do I do this? How do I handle it?” And it’s really just… I’ve had a lot of support from Meg, from my family, Meg’s family, from you guys, and it’s been a journey. I actually… little bit more information about it: I started hormone therapy, hormone replacement therapy. I’m on a similar or identical medical regimen to that used by transgender women, and the goal is to align my body with my mind. And I’ve got to say, because it’s sort of a slow process, but I already feel infinitely better, more at home in my body, which is a weird, weird feeling. Every time I look in the mirror now, I look back and it looks like there’s more of me looking back. And kind of a weird feeling because I spent all my life looking at mirrors!

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Eric: But it’s kind of a weird thing, but it just means I’m following my gut. I’m following my instinct. I’m not being defined by conformity or fear; I’m not letting that rule me, and I’m looking just for that extra bit of happiness. I’ve really loved, through MuggleCast, following my passions this whole time. You guys know I’m passionate.

Micah: No…

Laura: No, not you. [laughs]

Eric: Yeah, you know? I love stuff! I love being here! But as much as I love life, I want to seek even more additional joy, and doing this will be that for me.

Andrew: And be your true self. And I mean, we’ve been in the Harry Potter fandom for so long, and I think we can all agree that one of the best parts of the Harry Potter fandom is how accepting the community has always been…

Eric: Absolutely.

Andrew: So this is… as we’re seeing in the Discord right now as people see and react to your news for the first time…

Eric: Oh, I haven’t even looked. [laughs]

Andrew: It’s very busy; you might want to catch up on messages later. [laughs] But it’s a very welcoming community, and I think we all, for our own reasons, are very lucky to be a part of this fandom, where there is just so much love and acceptance.

Eric: I completely agree. Couldn’t have said it better myself. I’ll say, I love this journey I’m on, but it’s a really dark time to be starting any kind of transition, and there are so many lies being told about trans people, for years now, and it’s a really dire situation. And so I’m just grateful for everyone I know that’s on a similar journey, and I’m grateful that we’re able to sort of talk through this. And again, anyone who’s in the Harry Potter fandom, everyone I’ve told is very supportive and very caring, and it’s like, “Wow, I’ve surrounded myself with great people,” and it’s the people of this fandom, so I really appreciate the support now that I’m reading on Discord, and I just want to say thank you. And the reason, by the way, that it’s called Pride Month is because pride is the opposite of shame, and shame is what those who do not support this would want us to feel about ourselves, about not living authentically, and I’m over it. I don’t feel any shame. I am proud to say that this is me, and that’s all she wrote. I’m also really proud that I’m doing it before a Sirius Black chapter, “Padfoot Returns.”

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Laura: I know.

Eric: Yeah, you guys were like, “Do you want to…? Are you sure you want to…?” I was like, “Yeah, it’s Padfoot!”

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: Sirius is back, man! It’s going to be so good.

Micah: Well, Eric, just know that we all love you – we always have, we always will – and regardless of any of those other voices that are out there, we’re always here to support you.

Eric: Thank you, Micah.

Andrew: And this is why we continue to enjoy doing MuggleCast, to continue being a supportive community for everybody in the Harry Potter fandom, in the face of certain groups and people. So that’s why, as we approach our 19th anniversary, we’re as proud as ever to be doing this podcast and being a platform for the LGBTQ community.

Eric: And we’ve all grown. We’ve all watched each other grow, and that’s kind of… some of us a little later to the game than others, but it’s all a learning process.

Laura: It’s also not a race.

Eric: That’s true. There were certain circumstances in my life that had to align for me to even be asking these questions, and that included a supportive partner, that included just getting to that right stage of my life, so it’s a journey that we’re all on in life. And I really appreciate the support, and I just appreciate the fact that we do this show, and that we still have an audience that loves to hear our thoughts and opinions.

Andrew: Absolutely, yeah.

Eric: So thanks again.

Andrew: Well, I think… yeah, absolutely. It’s not easy to come out, like Laura said, on a platform, too, no less to friends in your life, so give you a lot of credit for that.

Eric: Thank you.

Laura: You’re one of the bravest people I know.

Andrew and Eric: Aww.

Laura: Really. I mean that.

Eric: Wait, really? Oh, Laura!

Laura: [laughs] You are.

Eric: Well, I just kept getting questions about the longer hair.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: So I was like, “I can’t ignore it; I can’t not…”

Andrew: Yeah, I was wondering too. I was like, “Is this for a cosplay?”

Eric: “Do I tell them it’s for a LARP?”

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: I don’t know, but yeah. No, thank you. I really, really to my heart, I really appreciate you saying that.

Andrew: Exciting start to Pride Month here on MuggleCast.

Eric: Hell yeah. How are we going to top this? [laughs]

Andrew: Well, this won’t top it, but next week – or the week after – I will wear my “Dumbledore is gay” T-shirt. Eric was anticipating something way different, I think.

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Eric: I know what’s happening next week, and it’s not that, but that’s exciting.


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Andrew: Okay, well, it’s time for Chapter by Chapter, and this week we’re discussing Goblet of Fire Chapter 27, “Padfoot Returns.” And we’ll start like we always do with our Seven-Word Summary.

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

Andrew: Crouch…

Laura: … is…

Micah: … not…

Eric: … innocent…

Laura: … of…

Andrew: … any…

Micah: … crimes.


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Micah: I wanted to start out this chapter by taking a look at how Harry, Ron, and Hermione are discussing important information in Potions versus how they were discussing important information in Charms just a couple of chapters earlier, because if we remember that scene, it was very fun. Flitwick was flying around the room and…

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Was it fun for Flitwick?

Micah: Well, I’ve got to imagine he has a flair for the dramatic, but I can’t imagine that in Snape’s classroom. Snape’s classroom is the complete opposite of Flitwick’s classroom, and so Harry, Ron, and Hermione should know better; that’s where I’m going with this. One thing to do it in Charms, another thing to do it in Potions where they know it’s only a matter of time before Snape catches them.

Andrew: Definitely. It’s not something that they had to discuss immediately either, this Witch Weekly article. It could have waited until after class. Now, that said, they probably would not have been focusing in class anyway, but knowing how Snape will treat them, it’s best to just keep this quiet for a little while longer.

Eric: Aren’t they kind of caught off guard by it, though?

Andrew: They are.

Micah: But that’s not an excuse. I mean, we can talk about that; they shouldn’t have been doing it. And I’m glad you brought up the Witch Weekly article, Andrew, because Laura, when I was reading through this, it made me think about your Draco character analysis that you did a couple episodes ago, because he’s back at it again.

Laura: Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, that’s so true.

Eric: Who was the ’50s cartoon character that you said…?

Laura: Oh, I think I said Dick Dastardly.

Eric: Yeah, Dick Dastardly.

Micah: But he’s up to no good yet again. He’s got the newspaper article, waving it in their face, and of course, Hermione gets a chance to share it with Ron and Harry. But because both of these situations happened, one outside of Potions, this one inside of the Potions classroom, I thought we could also compare a little bit of Hermione’s reaction. We know what ends up happening to her earlier on in the book; her teeth end up getting enlarged and there’s this awful interaction that she has with Snape. But in this chapter, when she reads all about her sordid affairs with Krum and Harry, she actually just kind of laughs back in their face, and it’s a great moment for her, I think.

Andrew: It is, yeah.

Eric: It’s so fierce.

Andrew: And it is really impressive that she could just shrug off an article about herself in a magazine at this age. I mean, this is the modern equivalent of being attacked on social media, but she just shrugs it off. And I guess it’s partly because it’s Witch Weekly, but still, I think it’s pretty impressive. We’ve all been there, getting attacked online, or at least I have. I won’t speak for everybody.

Laura: Yeah, for sure.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Laura: And isn’t there this moment where Ron is like, “I told you she was going to do this, and you need to watch out; she’s painting you as though you’re some sort of scarlet woman,” and Hermione just laughs and is like, “A scarlet woman…?”

Eric: [laughs] Right.

Laura: “… What are you talking about, Ron?” So I mean, it’s admirable for sure how she’s able to just let it roll off her back like that, because she’s literally kind of in the belly of the beast right now, right? If she was going to be self-conscious or react badly to it, she’s in the absolute worst situation for that to happen. So it’s smart; it’s incredibly mature for a 14-year-old. I would not have taken it that well.

Micah: It’s definitely a side of her that we haven’t seen up until this point.

Eric: I wonder if the reason that she’s just emotionally not letting this BS in is because of her recent fights with Ron and stuff. She’s maybe gotten a better perspective of what matters, or something like that. Or maybe she figured that something like this could happen, especially given that Rita is buzzing about all the time.

Micah: I think Rita has a lot to do with it, the fact that it’s her article. She just puts no credibility towards it whatsoever, and so that’s what makes it so easy for it to just kind of roll off of her back. But speaking of Rita, Hermione is starting to catch on to her. She’s starting to notice that Rita knows things that Rita really shouldn’t know.

Andrew: It’s just gross how Rita is writing about kids. It’s not the Daily Prophet; it’s Witch Weekly, but still, that a publication of any kind would be writing about kids in a school, let alone a kid in their fourth year. It’s just really gross. And this also reminds me of how Millie Bobby Brown, the actress who stars in Stranger Things, she’s only 20 right now, but a few years ago when Stranger Things blew up, she was underage, and the media coverage around her was really uncomfortable and gross how they were treating her like an adult and talking about her like an adult, and it reminds me of that because there’s no reason Hermione should be commented on in Witch Weekly.

Laura: For sure. Well, on the Millie Bobby Brown front, too, I was going to say it wasn’t just the press; it was certain rappers, too, who struck up friendships with her, which was weird. But yeah, I mean, honestly, this is kind of par for the course when we’re talking about Rita Skeeter’s brand of journalism and the comparison we’ve made to the British tabloids, because think about how the British tabloids report on the royal children, for example. I think they probably tend to skew a little more favorable of them when they’re actual children, but when you look at the reporting that happens when they get into their teen years – especially if there’s an advantage to be gained from pitting one teenager against another teenager – they will do it, and that’s exactly what’s happening here.

Eric: I also really question about Witch Weekly‘s common… who their base is, what their readership is. Also, how did Draco get a subscription?

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Narcissa sent it to him.

Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a really teen-y magazine, gossip-ish type thing where talking about other underage kids is allowed, because the fact that this isn’t in the Daily Prophet maybe gives me some hope for journalism…

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: … that maybe Rita wanted to write this article for The Daily Prophet and then her editor was finally like, “No, the subjects are underage,” because now instead, it’s in these fellow gossip, Seventeen type magazine.

Micah: Right. And it’s the moment when she reads about Krum asking her to come visit over the summer that she recognizes, “Wait, there’s no way.” This was clearly a private moment between the two of them, so how Rita knew anything about it raises a lot of red flags. And let’s also just say it’s not just the fact that she’s writing about them; it’s literally the fact that she is attaching herself to these people. She’s infusing herself into these relationships between these students, and that’s even more gross than writing the article. [laughs]

Andrew and Laura: Yeah.

Eric: That’s a good point.

Laura: You put it that way, it’s pretty gross.

Andrew: Even Pansy being described as pretty in the same piece is weird.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: Well, and I think… I mean, Rita does that with Hermione in an earlier article, right? She describes Hermione as a pretty girl who, just like Harry, is one of the top students at Hogwarts or something like that, so she just uses flattery depending on when it suits her, which again, it’s par for the course.

Micah: And speaking of gross, Snape decides to crash this Witch Weekly party.

Eric: Ugh.

Andrew: [imitating Snape] “I’m pretty.”

Micah: And I’m going to go on the defensive for him a little bit here because he is the teacher and the students aren’t paying attention, and it’s kind of the equivalent of talking in class or passing notes. Do we think Snape is behaving any differently in this moment than any other teacher would?

Andrew: No.

Eric: Yes.

Andrew: I agree with you on this. I think a broken clock is right twice a day. And he was right to break up the kids; I’m actually kind of surprised he hadn’t done this sooner. This would be a very easy fix for some of the issues he’s had with the trio over the years, and he’s finally doing it, at least temporarily.

Laura: I don’t have a problem with him breaking it up, right? It’s a distraction in the classroom. But it’s the way he does it; I mean, he reads it line by line and I think throws smirks at the class at the end of each line. I mean, again, it’s not unusual behavior for Snape. This is exactly what I would expect of Snape, but it’s not what I would expect of a teacher in general.

Micah: Can I ask, though, nobody was ever in a situation in school where you’re passing a note in class and then the teacher came over, grabbed a note, and read the note aloud?

Eric: It’s a good question. I was thinking about that exact scenario.

Micah: Or maybe texting is the equivalent of today.

Eric: If you read texts, yeah. I mean, the difference is Snape, as soon as he sees what this is, knows the difference. He’s adult enough to know the difference that reading this aloud is not going to do anything other than upset the intended target of the article, right? It’s not a “gotcha” of… if it was something she was writing in class, okay, she’s not behaving well in class. But this article is a hit piece, essentially, and Snape publicizing it and making a deal out of it is actually a little different than just reading a note out loud.

Laura: I agree. And I have been one of the people caught in that situation. Me and my friends used to pass notes in class all the time, unapologetically; it was pretty bad. And we definitely had notes get taken up a couple of times, and the teachers would read them, but they wouldn’t read them out loud to the class; they would just stand there and read it and we would just all cringe and sink into our chairs as low as we possibly could.

Micah: [laughs] Wait for detention?

Laura: You know what, we actually only got that maybe a couple of times because it was usually pretty harmless. There was one time where we made kind of a mean joke about a teacher and we got in trouble for that, which was justified. But yeah, I mean, that kind of stuff is worth, I think, some kind of punishment for doing in class, and I think in this case, it would have been fine for Snape to give out detentions even. But I think reading the full article out line by line, when you already know the entire student body can get their hands on it anyway to tease each other about mercilessly, this was just a bridge too far. But that’s Snape. That’s his life. That’s his motto. [laughs]

Andrew: I’m siding with Snape on this one, and Micah, it sounds like, too.

Laura: You would.

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Andrew: It teaches the kids a lesson. If it was so important to be discussing and reading in class, then maybe the whole class does need to hear this important news. And I know Snape is getting off on this, but still, the trio was out of line here.

Micah: [laughs] How do we envision Snape reading it? Is it Shakespeare-esque? Or Snape-speare-esque?

Andrew: Snape-speare-esque.

Eric: Snape-speare, that’s a good one.

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Andrew: We’ll continue talking about Snape’s bullying in this chapter after this quick break.

[Ad break]

Micah: Snape’s bullying of Harry doesn’t stop at the reading of the Witch Weekly article because when he does separate the trio, he puts Harry up at the front of the classroom where he can essentially berate him, bully him, and nobody else can overhear it. And part of what happens a little bit later on in this moment actually sets up the next part of the chapter quite well between Snape and Karkaroff. But wanted to go a little bit into Snape’s treatment of Harry. Snape refers to him as a “nasty little boy,” and this made me think about Snape, and Snape’s upbringing, and I wondered if he’s projecting a little bit here. How many times did Tobias Snape refer to his son this way?

Eric: Wow.

Andrew: Yeah, yeah. In some ways, you can look at Snape’s interest in teaching as an opportunity for him to try and make up for the bullying that he endured in the past. He gets to let out the abuse that he received as a child.

Eric: Yeah, I’ve got to say, there are many right ways to get into teaching, some wrong ones. This is a wrong one. Or reason, a reason for getting into teaching.

Micah: What would even put him in that category of being a nasty little boy? It seems very like something that your parents would say to you growing up.

Andrew and Eric: Yeah.

Laura: Yeah, I mean, I think you hear the trope again and again for a reason that these patterns are cyclical, right? So even as parents, I think it can be hard for people to maybe unlearn the things that their parents might have said to them that maybe they don’t want to then say to their own children. And for someone like Snape, who’s very much emotionally stunted and really only living for one thing at this point, and it was the promise that he made to protect Lily Potter’s son, he doesn’t have a moral compass that points anywhere else. It’s just his due north is what he has to do for Lily, and that’s to keep Harry alive, and anything else doesn’t really matter all that much. Does that make sense?

Eric: Yeah. But also, how crazy is it that he’s berating Harry for this article about his love life, when Snape’s own love life was nonexistent except for Harry’s mom?

Micah: It’s a little weird. TheOtherMinister in the Discord says that “nasty little boy” sounds like something Aunt Petunia would say, or Marge, and that’s interesting because Petunia referred to Snape as a “awful boy.” People initially thought that this was a reference to James, but we learn later on in the series it was in fact Snape.

Eric: That’s right! That’s clever. I also think it’s something that Miss Trunchbull would say.

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Laura: Oh, you’re so right.

Eric: But she’s not in this series.

Micah: Of course, Snape is really upset with Harry not really for the Witch Weekly article; it’s more so because he is accusing him, yet again, of stealing from his stores.

Andrew: And that’s why he’s nasty.

Micah: [laughs] This time we learn Boomslang skin and Gillyweed are the two things that are missing. And we talked a little bit about this when his stores were broken into and the whole confrontation with Moody and Filch, but for such an accomplished wizard, he clearly sucks at even the simplest of security measures.

Andrew: Yes. This brings up the question we raised earlier in this book around security concerning the Goblet of Fire itself. I still wonder why there’s no wizard equivalent of a Muggle security camera, just some simple thing that monitors a space, and let’s say somebody crosses over the line, and that person’s name is going to be written down like on the Marauder’s Map. It just seems like somebody like Snape, who also – like Moody, the real one – can be a bit paranoid, something he would probably put together in his office, especially after this begins, these thefts begin.

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Eric: I mean, I don’t know why Snape doesn’t beef up security after this too. He warns Harry to never go back into his office, but he doesn’t say, “By the way, if you were the one that broke in, you don’t have to do anything different because I didn’t change anything about it.” It’s perpetually a security nightmare. It’s exactly like how in Cursed Child the kids are able to break into Hermione’s office using the same magic that they themselves used countless times to break in. It’s just unbelievable. It’s like, everybody is bad at security, apparently.

Laura: Yeah. Man, and they don’t learn their lessons. That’s the wildest thing.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Laura: Yeah, I wonder if that’s hubris for Snape, though. Does he think, “I don’t need to change anything because I’ll get ’em next time?”

Andrew: Yeah, he probably wants to catch them, too.

Laura: Does he set booby traps or something and think he’s going to get him? I don’t know.

Andrew: Yeah. He would love to hang the kids upside down or something like that, and walk in on them hanging upside down.

Micah: Yeah. And we know that Dobby is the one who got the Gillyweed for Harry; we just didn’t know that he stole it from Snape until this moment.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: Oops!

Micah: So good job, Dobby. Way to keep coming through for Harry in the clutch. One thing I wanted to call attention to is that when Harry and Snape are having this conversation, it’s said that Harry is initially determined not to look at Snape, which is probably a good thing. When he does, it’s noted “he stared back, determined not to blink, or to look guilty.” Now, we know that Snape is a powerful Legilimens, and is it likely he was trying to read Harry’s mind at this moment and that Harry was possibly using Occlumency without even realizing it? Or maybe the Horcrux was coming into play here a little bit.

Andrew: Yeah, yeah. I love this because there’s layers here. Harry didn’t want to reward Snape by looking at him; by looking the other direction, it annoys Snape, surely, but also, it would be cool that if Harry was really blocking him out without knowing… and on one hand, blocking somebody out takes focus and practice, but if Harry doesn’t know what he’s doing, and he naturally has the talent, he might be doing it without realizing it. It’s like when we all… let’s say you’re playing a really stressful game of Guitar Hero and you’re really focusing hard. That’s when you start to fall apart. It’s when you’re not thinking about it too hard that you get really good at Guitar Hero. Just me? Okay.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: But I think about this a lot.

Laura: No, I agree.

Andrew: [laughs] Yes.

Eric: It’s a metaphor for all of life, I think, Andrew. It’s very profound. Maybe this is why Snape threatens Harry with Veritaserum. [stresses the first syllable] Or Veritaserum. [stresses the second syllable] I’ve always said Veritaserum [stresses the second syllable] but for some reason that one time I said Veritaserum. [stresses the first syllable]

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Maybe the fact that Snape can’t get in Harry’s head or see anything. It’s like, “Listen, I have a potion for this.”

Andrew: He’s taking it another step because his first attempt…

Micah: And I think the fact that, number one, he’s telling the truth, and number two, that he’s looking to protect other people that he knows are responsible, plays a pretty big role in his determination here to keep Snape presumably out of his mind. But this wouldn’t be the first time that we’ve noted that Harry has said it felt like Snape was trying to pierce his mind, so this could be another one of those moments.

Andrew: Or you can read it in hindsight as Snape maybe trying to get a look at Lily’s eyes…

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: … which is another good reason why Harry is not making eye contact so Snape doesn’t get Lily triggered.

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Andrew: And then what do you do? He wouldn’t have Veritaserum. He wouldn’t have Occlumency. He takes it another step.

Micah: That’s Snape’s detention for Harry, just to stare into his eyes an entire hour.

Laura: Oh, that sounds awful.

Andrew: [laughs] [imitating Snape] “I will receive pleasure from staring into your eyes.”

Micah: Oh, geez.

Andrew: That’s weird. That’s Witch Weekly weird.

Laura: That is an HR nightmare. [laughs]

Micah: It is.

Eric: Hey, there isn’t HR here.

Laura: Well, that’s true. Hogwarts doesn’t have HR.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: If they did.

Micah: Well, Laura, so is Veritaserum, and we’re going to talk about that in just a minute. But wanted to make sure we called out the Bloomslang skin, and it’s important, especially because we as the reader as of right now don’t know who stole it. It’s brought up; we know Dobby is responsible for the Gillyweed, but we don’t know who is responsible for the Boomslang skin, but we can start to connect the threads because it’s a main ingredient in Polyjuice Potion. Mad-Eye is conveniently mentioned sentences later by Snape; he was out strolling the halls of Hogwarts the night Snape’s stores were broken into. And as we’ll learn later on in this chapter, going back to the Marauder’s Map, there’s more than one Barty Crouch, and he’s a Death Eater. So maybe not everything is being laid out perfectly for us in this moment, but it’s all starting to come together.

Laura: Yeah. And I think even with the mention of Moody they bring up… isn’t it brought up that Moody drinks from his private hip-flask in the same breath?

Eric: Yep, because Harry says, “Wonder if I should start using hip-flasks to prevent myself from being poisoned.”

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Laura: It’s right there.

Eric: Yep. It’s brilliant.

Micah: So we mentioned the Veritaserum just before. Are we okay with this? This threat? I mean, this is…

Andrew: [laughs] Well…

Eric: No?

Andrew: I’m not okay with the part about Snape just straight up being like, “Careful, or else I’ll slip it into your pumpkin juice.” Like, whoa. That’s bad.

Eric: Well, he’s thought about this; that’s clear. That much is clear when he threatens it. He’s wanted to do this before.

Andrew: It’s very uncomfortable to read this adult talking about slipping something into the drink of a child. There’s a lot of weird stuff happening this chapter.

Laura: Well, in the next book we get to see someone actually do it, so…

Micah: And let’s not forget that this starts out with Harry thinking that Snape is about to pull his wand out to attack Harry, so he’s presumably anticipating physical violence from Snape, which I guess ends up being okay because he only threatens him with a truth serum.

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Andrew: But it does also speak to Harry’s perception of Snape that he just assumes he’s not about to pull a rubber duck out or a little potion out. He’s pulling out, effectively, a gun. He’s bracing for a gun.

Eric: If this were the LEGO game, there would be a rubber duck that he pulled out first.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Aww, yeah.

Eric: I love that humor. But you’re right; I mean, it just shows how volatile things truly are, how dangerous Snape constantly looks to Harry, and I don’t think Harry is exaggerating at all.

Micah: No, it’s almost like a subconscious reaction Harry has, just like any of us would if somebody made that motion. And so Snape is just… he’s on a totally different level in this chapter when it comes to Harry.

Eric: Definitely.

Micah: But enter Karkaroff – because Igor saves the day here – and at least he takes Snape’s attention away from Harry for a bit. And I don’t know if he wants to compare arm hair with Snape, or wants treatment for his eczema…

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: … because he just rolls up his sleeve and is just trying to ask Snape if he’s experiencing any of the same symptoms, apparently. What’s going on here?

Eric: I don’t know. We don’t have enough information to solve this particular mystery.

Micah: We don’t.

Andrew: But it must be important if Karkaroff is interrupting class to talk about this. Snape is like, “Later,” and Karkaroff is like, “No, no. Now.”

Eric: Well, the desperation that Karkaroff has is a real big clue, and what he says in front of everybody is “You can’t slip away if I’m here now,” because evidently Snape has been avoiding Karkaroff. So now we’re really interested because it’s like, wait a minute, Karkaroff would probably also prefer not to be seen by the other students here, but he has no choice because Snape is slippery.

Micah: This is also the second time that Harry has overheard a conversation like this between Karkaroff and Snape; he first overheard them at the Yule Ball, so clearly something is up between the two of them. And I think we as readers can start to figure out a little bit because of what happens later on in this chapter as Sirius starts to talk more about Karkaroff, about Snape, and Snape is basically thrown out there as… not a suspect, but we know that there could be something more. I think the author is leading us in that direction to presume that there’s something else about Snape that we clearly don’t know at this time.

Eric: Yeah, right.

Micah: All right, we’re going to take a quick break, but when we come back, we’re headed to the cave rave.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: It’s a Sirius party.

Andrew: Save that phrase for Book 6.

[Ad break]

Micah: So the trio manage to get out alive from Snape’s Potions class, and they are scheduled to meet with Sirius during their Hogsmeade visit, and they walk along the street in Hogsmeade all the way to the end, and there sitting, paws on the sign like a very good pup, is Padfoot.

Andrew: Aww. Who’s a good boy?

Micah: Eric, this is your moment.

Eric: I’m thrilled. I actually learned a new word, you guys. I never remember seeing this word ever before in the books.

Andrew: Cave rave?

Eric: Stile. S-T-I-L-E. Stile!

Andrew: Oh.

Eric: In Sirius’s letter he says meet at the stile, and I’m like, “You just know what that is?” Okay, consult Merriam Webster. It’s the thing where if you have a fence, it’s not a gate, but it’s a few stairs so people can climb over the gate, or climb over the… it’s deliberately not a gate, but it’s a way to get over a fence.

Laura and Micah: Oh.

Micah: So Sirius is stilin’.

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Eric: Well, or is he?

Andrew: Not so much.

Micah: Well, we’ll talk about that. We’ll talk about his lack of style.

Eric: Yeah, yeah. The kids follow him up to this cave, which is a really cool, well-placed cave, strategically very good. They’ve brought him food; he’s asked them to bring everything that they can, which is awesome. Turns out he’s still wearing his Azkaban prison uniform, which at this point, if you’re doing the math, he broke out if Azkaban before their third year of Hogwarts, so he’s in these rags that… if they’re his prison uniform, I doubt he changed during his 13 years in prison, so this is like, the 15th year that he’s in these robes, or tattered rags. And I want to believe that Sirius is in much better mental health, and is really loving his freedom and all this, but something tells me that there’s still something a little off with Sirius because he hasn’t… you couldn’t have stole any clothes at all over your…? You were in the tropics; you didn’t grab somebody’s extra sun shirt that they wore out? Nothing.

Andrew: Make a shirt out of some leaves, or find a Hawaiian T-shirt. I think if he’s barely able to get food, I can understand why he’s also not able to get any clothing, because it is observed that he’s been… he says he’s been relying on eating rats recently. And so I get it, but you would think he would make clothing a priority, [laughs] because even though he’s been hiding as a dog, it’s not a good look to be running around with your prison clothing on as an escapee.

Eric: At least it’s not orange.

Laura: Well, and I think that’s actually the point, though. He has been living as a dog, so why would he need to get different clothes? He’s only transforming here so he can talk to the trio, right? It’s too risky for him to be in his human form when he doesn’t need to be, so he probably just stays in his Snuffles form.

Andrew: Warner Bros. needs to create a Halloween dog costume that is Sirius’s prison clothes for dogs.

Eric: Ohhh. I like that.

Andrew: I would put that on Brooklyn for Halloween.

[Micah laughs]

Eric: I would put that on someone else’s dog.

Laura: Yeah, my dog would not tolerate it. [laughs]

Micah: But it begs the question, then: Sirius has to transform, though, when he is riding Buckbeak, right? Because Padfoot is not going to… I guess Padfoot could jump on. It would make a very odd scene. [laughs]

Eric: You make a good point; he’s probably human at least for those moments. However, I did come up with an explanation for this quizzical “Why hasn’t he gotten clothes?” And if I think about… it is a basic need, keeping us warm in the cold, especially cold, dark caves, but my thoughts are that Azkaban… you’re not a person when you’re in Azkaban, and I think a lot of that ego or a lot of that instinct to see yourself as an individual – especially what Sirius tells them about what Azkaban is like in this chapter – I feel like maybe the Dementors permanently or very, very greatly altered his sense of just identity. There’s no ego there that says, “I need clothes because I am a person.” I think Sirius on some level is still operating in this kind of no man’s land of… Azkaban just took it from him.

Andrew: I’m also just thinking about this idea of Snuffles riding Buckbeak…

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Andrew: … and maybe Warner Bros. should also create a saddle for hippogriffs for dogs.

Eric: Where is the AI art?

Micah: Well, we can get that. Don’t worry; I’ll take care of it for you.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: Well, I was going to… I thought you were going with a spin-off series, though, Andrew, with Snuffles and Buckbeak.

Andrew: Oh, I could see that.

Laura: Aw, it’s like a buddy cop show. I love that.

Andrew: [laughs] Buddy cop show.

Micah: The thing that really stood out to me, though, about Sirius’s reappearance in this chapter – and he even says it – is the fact that he is acting as Harry’s godfather. Finally, there’s a parental figure. We’ve been talking about this all Goblet of Fire. No Dumbledore. No McGonagall. No Molly. No Arthur. Finally, Sirius shows up because he’s Harry’s godfather, and he recognizes that [censored] ain’t right.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: You can bleep that.

Eric: No, I mean, this is the substance that I want and hope and pray for from Sirius. I mean, Lupin would also be taking this as seriously if he were around; he’s mysteriously absent. But Sirius, apart from his questionable fashion choices or faux pas, the whole thing is that he’s able to give really good advice. He has great memory for what happened before; he’s able to really illustrate… he paints the picture of the first wizarding war for them. He talks about Bertha Jorkins in depth. He talks about Crouch a lot. He’s extremely interested; he’s engaged in conversation. Basically the only thing holding him back from saying more is the fact that he’s scarfing down all the food they brought him, but it’s absolutely, I think, the reunion that I personally, as SiriusBlackFan423, really wanted out of this book. It’s really good.

Micah: [laughs] Scarfing down all the food that they brought him because we learn he was eating rats, and I don’t think that’s a coincidence.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Hmm.

Andrew: No, he might subconsciously find it very satisfying. “Mm, this rat tastes so good.”

Micah: Peter.

Andrew: “Tastes like justice.”

[Micah laughs]

Eric: Amazing.

Laura: Well, hey, maybe he’s like, “I might get lucky one of these days. You never know where he is.”

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Oh, yeah!

Eric: “If I eat all the rats in the world, one of them is bound to be my friends’ betrayer.”

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: “This tastes of an ending.”

Micah: Look for the one without the little toe.

Eric: Oh, yeah, the little toe.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: There’s this interaction between Ron and Sirius, and they start talking about how… Ron says, basically, “Why don’t you try us?” in terms of trying to let us understand more about the larger wizarding world and more of what’s happening in adult land, right? And I think we as readers start to understand why this information hasn’t been shared with Harry, Ron, and Hermione, and Sirius really pulls back the curtain and shares with us and the trio the harsher realities of the wizarding world, and most importantly, he paints a really grim picture of what it was like during the first war.

Eric: He says, “Imagine that Voldemort’s powerful now. You don’t know who his supporters are, you don’t know who’s working for him and who isn’t; you know he can control people so that they do terrible things without being able to stop themselves. You’re scared for yourself, and your family, and your friends. Every week, news comes of more deaths, more disappearances, more torturing… the Ministry of Magic’s in disarray, they don’t know what to do, they’re trying to keep everything hidden from the Muggles, but meanwhile, Muggles are dying too. Terror everywhere… panic… confusion. That’s how it used to be.” And I love that when Ron says, “Try us,” he says, “Okay, I’ll try you,” and then launches into it.

Andrew: [laughs] “You want to be treated like adults?”

Eric: And I’ve got to ask you guys – candid question – does the world that he portrays in this moment to Sirius’s picture sound familiar? Or strike you as being something that might…? It’s a little bit dystopian, but it’s also a little… there are, I think, similarities that we’ve lived through.

Andrew: Yeah, and there’s always the fear of the unknown as well. And when things are evolving in the world, you’re thinking where your friends and family members may fall on certain issues; that’s very stressful as well, just like we’re seeing with Sirius’s depiction of the first wizarding war. So yeah, I think it can easily be tied to what we see in the real world over the decades.

Eric: Yeah, good point.

Laura: And when you just think about the degree of division that you see, too, where it becomes really hard sometimes depending on the issue, right, to know who exactly you can trust when it comes to just general trust, or when it comes to people’s beliefs in your rights to be able to live and access certain things, right? So I can totally see the comparison here, Eric, for sure.

Eric: And the idea that the government is easily distracted, or can’t fix everything. I think that with the wizarding world, too, especially because it’s smaller and people are more scattered, they tend to look to government in a big way to be the solution, but we know the government officials of this book or the ones in question, and yeah, they’re just humans, just like the rest of us.

Micah: And Sirius is starting to have flashbacks, most likely, as he’s reading The Daily Prophet. I mean, his cave is literally scattered with… what do you call them… [laughs] I was going to say episodes. Issues of The Daily Prophet, right? And what I love about this, though, is it shows how good of a detective Sirius actually is because he’s reading through the lines of what is in the paper. He’s able to pull out the things that probably other people are just glancing past or not paying attention to, and that’s how he’s able to put a lot of this together. He’s basically put the entire puzzle, the entire mystery of the Goblet of Fire, together here in the back half of this chapter, just by reading through The Daily Prophet.

Eric: Yeah, I just think this proves he cares about Harry. He’s putting his own life at risk in going to this cave, going to Hogsmeade, but he wants to see his godson and he is being an active part of that protection, because knowledge is power and protection too. So I think that it’s really nice to see Sirius engaged in caring about Harry’s wellbeing. The fact that things got so suspicious that he felt he needed to step in is more than Lupin did.

Andrew: Oop!

Micah: More than a lot of people did that are supposedly Harry protectors.

Eric: Wow.

Micah: Guardians and headmasters.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Headmasters of the Galaxy, coming soon from Marvel Studios.

Micah: So we get to the info-dump backstory on Barty Crouch, Sr., and to borrow a phrase, it really does show us that the world isn’t divided into good people and Death Eaters, and that there are many shades in between. What do we make of the fact that after Sirius shares certain information on Crouch Sr. that Harry’s first reaction, his first inclination, is to go the direction of Death Eater?

Andrew and Eric: Yeah.

Andrew: So I think it’s partly instinctual because he just witnessed a lot of Death Eaters at the Quidditch World Cup. That’s still fresh on his mind, and…

Eric: Right.

Andrew: “Bad guy? Must be a Death Eater. Must be those guys that we just saw running around.”

Eric: It’s that meme with the guy and the butterfly: “Is this Death Eaters?”

[Laura laughs]

Eric: He just found out that Death Eaters… so “Is this it?” Harry doesn’t know enough other types of people, I think.

Andrew: Yeah. Plus, he’s missing, so if only there was something he could hide under… maybe a cloak.

Laura: Well, and doesn’t Sirius also note as well that Crouch’s legacy during the first wizarding world was to fight violence with violence?

Micah: Yes.

Laura: So he authorized the use of the Unforgivable Curses against Death Eaters and suspects, right? I think he mentioned that there were plenty of people who thought that Crouch was going about things the right way. But I think ourselves if we look at real world representations that we can compare this to, if we were looking at violent criminals being held accountable for what they did, I don’t think anyone on this panel would be in favor of saying, “Okay, well, let’s do to them what they did to their victims,” right?

Eric: Right.

Laura: But that was Crouch. Crouch was saying, “No, no, no, let’s do it, because we’ve got to cart these guys off to Azkaban ASAP.”

Eric: [sighs] Yeah.

Micah: I’m glad that you brought this up about Crouch, Laura, and want to paint a little bit of a better picture of him. We know that he rose quickly through the Ministry, putting his reputation above all else. As you said, fought violence with violence; he gave Aurors the permission to use the Unforgivable Curses on suspects, and he ordered harsh measures against Voldemort’s supporters. He gave Aurors the power to kill rather than capture. He sent Sirius to Azkaban without a trial. And the biggest reveal of this entire chapter is that he had a son, and he did nothing to save his own son when he was convicted of being a Death Eater himself – we’ll talk more about that later – but this doesn’t seem like a nice guy at all.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: No.

Laura: It’s definitely giving an eye for an eye, that kind of mentality, so it’s understandable why Harry would feel this way.

Eric: And they say an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. I think that Sirius’s painting the picture, though, shows you how in war time you can see it being used as a justification for this kind of behavior, this kind of treatment of the people who are supposedly running with Voldemort. The idea that they have to stoop to their level just to protect everyone, that you could do the wrong thing but for the right reasons and have it be justified morally, is kind of an interesting question, but because the book is still trying to… and Harry definitely thinks, “Okay, so it was Crouch who was in Snape’s office. It was Crouch who was in Hogwarts who might have put my name in the Goblet of Fire.” This does give you some of that plausible reasons to suspect that actual Crouch is the one that is the bad guy, the big bad at this book.

Andrew: Oh, yeah.

Micah: Totally. And Sirius really does start to put some of the pieces of the puzzle together when he questions Harry about being in the box at the Quidditch World Cup.

Eric: Detective Sirius.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: “Did you notice whether your wand was missing prior to that moment in the field when the Dark Mark was cast?” He was trying to, I think, go through his mind and see if he can identify… and actually, I think the trio do, too, right? They throw out suspects of who could be responsible.

Andrew: Who was in the box, yeah.

Micah: But Sirius is very intrigued that Barty Crouch, Sr. would sack his own house-elf, and much of it probably has to do with the fact that he was reliving exactly what happened with his own son in that moment.

Andrew: Had a really good line here from Sirius, too; maybe Eric should read it, as the super fan who does good voice acting.

Eric: “Well, Harry, if you want to know what a man is like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.”

Micah: And maybe Sirius should take his own advice.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: I was hoping that was the…

Andrew: I was waiting for Micah to dunk on Sirius.

Eric: I was like, “I could read Sirius lines till I’m blue in the face.”

Micah: No, I did think it’s somewhat ironic that he delivers this line when he’s talking about Crouch and his relationship with Winky when in fact he does not follow that advice at all when it comes to Kreacher.

Andrew: Look in a two-way mirror, Sirius. You don’t treat your inferiors much better either.

Laura: Ohhh.

Eric: Oh, man!

[Micah laughs]

Eric: Wow.

Laura: Don’t worry; Harry won’t.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Okay, now we can end the episode. [laughs]

Eric: Wow.

Micah: Yeah, that was a mic drop moment.

Eric: Peak moment, yeah. It’s an important point that you make, Micah, that Sirius is so wise in this moment, and we just love him, and oh God, he’s giving great advice, but then he doesn’t follow that advice himself. He’s incapable. Sirius is only man as well, and ultimately, it’s his own disdain and contempt for his own family members, and Kreacher associated, that are his own downfall.

Micah: And we could debate the use of the word “inferiors.” I think that shows a lot about perception, especially since we’re in a book where we’re talking about house-elves and how they’re viewed by the larger wizarding community.

Eric: I completely agree with that as well, that Sirius’s word can be offensive. It’s like if you’re trying to… I had a job interview once where I was trying to think of what the name was for the people that were under the manager, and I said “underlings.” The real word is “direct reports.”

Laura: Yep.

Eric: “Underlings” has a connotation. It sounds like inferiors.

Andrew: Under? Lings? Yeah.

Eric: It sounds like peons.

Andrew: Chicklings?

Eric: “Direct reports” is the word, so maybe Sirius should have said “direct reports.”

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: That’s very corporate, though. I don’t…

Micah: [laughs] Yeah, it is.

Eric: Well, we need another informal…

Andrew: “Take a good look at how he treats his direct reports, not his underlings.”

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Well, after telling Harry, Ron, and Hermione – and this is a bit of a fun moment – about Barty Crouch, Jr. being caught as a Death Eater, he throws a chicken bone to Buckbeak, and I didn’t think that this could be a coincidence, given what happens to Barty Crouch, Sr., right?

Andrew: No. [laughs]

Eric: Yeah, I’m looking forward to getting to that chapter because I forget exactly what happens to Barty Crouch, Sr. How does he end up that way? No, it’s probably deliberate for sure.

Micah: I know we really didn’t touch on it, but it’s a heartbreaking story to read about Barty Crouch, Jr. His relationship with his father, what happened to Barty Crouch’s mother, all as a result of a really challenging… as is the case with any family, but this is a very challenging family dynamic because you have Barty Crouch, Sr., who clearly is a workaholic, and it is compromising his family as a result of that. Now, I’m not saying that all else equal things would have been different under other circumstances, but I’m wondering if Barty had spent a little bit more time with his son, if this could have had a bit of a different outcome. It’s hard to say; hindsight is 20/20.

Laura: Yeah. I mean, maybe, maybe not, but you can’t deny that this type of personality, being the head of the household, has an impact. It does.

Andrew: There can just be a broken father/son relationship that will never get better.

Micah: For sure.

Andrew: Even if they were to spend more time with each other.

Eric: Yeah, but I think Sirius describes Barty as barely 19 or freshly 19 – Crouch Jr. – and there still could be a rebel phase going on there. It’s an overbearing father character that wants to rein in his kid, and his kid just wants to get out of the house. I mean, there’s not a lot provided that explains why Barty Crouch, Jr. joined the Death Eaters, and I think that there’s probably a fair bit of people that were just looking for something to do. And it’s sad when you hear the story of kids getting involved with truly dangerous and unlawful and terrifying things just for a bit of rebellion, but that’s the vibe I get when they talk about Barty Crouch, Jr. trying to spite his father, but then being surprised when his father is like, “No trial for you,” or “I’m not going to give you any leniency and I’m going to punish you and send you all the way there.” I think everyone in that room was probably very surprised when Crouch Sr. cast that sentence.

Andrew: Oh, yeah. I mean, I can’t imagine witnessing something like that, or being the son in that situation and your father effectively betraying you in that way, no matter what you did.

Laura: Yeah. But I mean, I don’t know; as the son you kind of betrayed your father’s principles too.

Andrew: Yeah, yeah.

Eric: Well, you’re supposed to be allowed to do that, right? [laughs] It’s the young generation and the old generation, but the old generation can’t do it to the new generation?

[Micah laughs]

Laura: Yeah, except in this case, it’s basically the wizard Klan, so…

Andrew: It’s still a hard pill to swallow, seeing a father have to do this to his son.

Laura: Sure.

Andrew: Even if it’s right, it doesn’t make it easier to witness, I think.

Laura: Oh, not at all. Almost like he shouldn’t have been allowed to oversee that particular legal proceeding.

Eric: Oh, he should have recused himself.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: Oh, that’s a good point.

Laura: But that’s not how things work in the wizarding world.

Eric: It’s a new word, everybody. Look up “recuse.”

Laura: [laughs] Big on the legal jargon today.

Andrew: New to who?

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Micah: Well, we do get some glimpses into Azkaban in this chapter, and I think much like the way Sirius described the first wizarding war, he really shows the pain and the anguish and the depression of being locked inside of Azkaban. It’s our first glimpse, really, into it. We get the Dementors in Prisoner of Azkaban, obviously, but we don’t actually get taken there the way that we do through Sirius in this particular moment, and he describes the experience that Barty Crouch, Jr. went through, saying he was “screaming for his mother by nightfall. He went quiet after a few days, though… they all go quiet in the end… except when they shrieked in their sleep.” I mean, that’s horrifying.

Andrew: It’s eerie. Yeah, that’s a terrifying thought.

Micah: He went on to say, “Most go mad, and plenty stop eating in the end. They lose the will to live. You could always tell when a death was coming, because the Dementors would sense it, they got excited.”

Eric: Oh, that characterization. This does it for me. I mean, there’s so few opportunities that we could ever have to find out an insider’s perspective on what Azkaban is like. This is horrifying. This is like going to a Sanitarium. People screaming, it’s uncontrollable, you know why they’re screaming, but you’re locked away; you can’t help. Nobody can help. Nobody can help them. They’re all life sentences, so they’re condemned. And then on top of it, your jailers are… is the word sadistic? Your jailers thrive on how close to death you are. So wow, it actually… Sirius’s story here is the case for absolutely abolishing Azkaban. Get rid of it entirely.

Andrew: Impressive he made it through, though, in his 12 years there.

Eric: Well, he still hasn’t changed his clothes yet, but yeah.

Andrew: [laughs] But he never lost the taste for chicken, so he turned out okay.

Micah: Or rats.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: We do, though, get a little bit of information about what happened to Barty Crouch, Jr., the fact that Sirius actually says he saw him get buried.

Eric: Clever, clever.

Micah: But I’m not really sure… depending on his cell angle and the window out, I’m assuming it was on a beach, maybe, surrounding Azkaban.

Eric: That sounds right.

Micah: But Laura, I know you’re big into horror, right? And crime and mystery. Are we to believe this? No real body here that we could see.

Laura: No.

Andrew: No body, no crime, says Taylor Swift.

Laura: [laughs] I mean, that basically captures it right there. How could I do any better? But no, I mean, honestly, that is constantly in the world of horror or mystery; if you don’t have a body, then you can’t count them dead. And that should have been a huge tip-off to everyone, right, reading this, but we were kids.

Eric: Well, I’ll disagree slightly, because there is a body.

Laura: Right, it’s just not…

Eric: Well, if you think about Barty Crouch, Jr.’s mom dying of grief, wasting away to next to nothing… when this all gets explained at the end of the book, it makes even more sense, I think. But if they’re both really emaciated, they look very similar, and you can’t blame Sirius for thinking that what the Dementors buried was Barty, because once the switcheroo was made… Sirius is definitely witnessing them bury him from a distance; he’s not right there. It’s like, a tower window looking out over a ten-story courtyard.

Micah: Right.

Laura: Yeah, I’m just wondering how much he would have reasonably been able to see, because if they just gathered a bunch of rags together and took them down there from a distance, if it was substantial enough, it could look like a body.

Andrew: Maybe I’m misremembering, or I misread, but wasn’t she…? She was under Polyjuice Potion, and she died under Polyjuice Potion. Correct?

Eric: Oh, there’s even that.

Andrew: And then did her body stay as Junior?

Eric: Not sure on that, but the Dementors are blind, so it doesn’t really matter.

Laura: Yeah, I don’t think it matters to them.

Andrew: No, I know, but I’m just thinking what Sirius is seeing.

Eric: For Sirius seeing, yeah.

Laura: But he wouldn’t be able to see her anyway because he would have been too far away, so…

Eric: But I think that when you’re in jail and the person in the cellmate next to you dies, you know who that was, so for Sirius to say, “Oh, I watched them bury him,” he watched the Dementors come get the person in the cell next to him, take them out, and he saw a body being put in the ground. That counts. So there is a body, it’s just the…

Micah: And Barty was also carrying a body, right? Senior was carrying Junior out of Azkaban.

Eric: Right, yeah.

Micah: All right. Well, there’s still a lot to unpack once we get to the end of the book, but I wanted to wrap up this chapter discussion by talking about some of Sirius’s time in Azkaban. And despite all the great detective work he’s done in this chapter, some things just don’t make sense to me here when Sirius is having this conversation. So there were three things that Sirius never learned: He never got confirmation that Barty was a Death Eater, he never overheard anything about Snape being a Death Eater, and he never learned about the Dark Mark. There’s all this confusion about what possibly could be on either Karkaroff’s or Snape’s arm that Harry shares during that conversation. It just seems strange to me that… particularly the last two. Never overheard anything about Snape being a Death Eater with all the other Death Eaters that were in Azkaban?

Eric: Right.

Micah: And the Dark Mark seems like something that would have been known.

Eric: I do find that maybe the most unbelievable aspect. I don’t think it’s like all the people in Azkaban have communal lunches every day or something…

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: … because Sirius would notice a tattoo. But that just shows you; I think when you’re in Azkaban, you’re just completely alone. So he never did see any other Death Eater’s Dark Mark.

Laura: But also, I mean, are we to believe that Sirius – people like him during the first wizarding war – wouldn’t know what a Dark Mark was?

Andrew: Or where it’s located, at least.

Laura: Yeah. I don’t know. There was part of me that almost… okay, first of all, this is clearly for the plot. That’s why this happens.

Andrew: Right.

Laura: Because obviously, if it’s revealed here, it’s too soon. But there’s this moment in the chapter where I think it’s Ron brings up Snape and Karkaroff talking to each other about something on their arms, and Sirius is like, “Oh, he showed Snape something on his arm?”

Andrew: I’ll read the passage.

Laura: Okay, thank you. Cool.

Andrew: I actually have it up right now. So Ron does tee it up, and then Harry says, “Yeah, you should’ve seen Snape’s face when Karkaroff turned up in Potions yesterday! Karkaroff wanted to talk to Snape, he says Snape’s been avoiding him. Karkaroff looked really worried. He showed Snape something on his arm, but I couldn’t see what it was.” Sirius replied, “‘He showed Snape something on his arm?’ said Sirius, looking frankly bewildered. He ran his fingers distractedly through his filthy hair. ‘Well, I’ve no idea what that’s about.'” That’s like Sirius has never even heard of the Dark Mark before.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: “Something on his arm?!”

Eric: Yeah, I want to clarify something: During the first wizarding war, everyone knew what the Dark Mark was because nobody wanted to come home from work and find it over their house. But what isn’t known is that the Death Eaters have Dark Mark tattoos, and that is how they are summoned by Voldemort to go back to the circle. That’s the part that’s the secret. Everybody recognizes – adults, people who were adults during the first wizarding war – would recognize the Dark Mark for what it is, but nobody knows about it being a tattoo.

Laura: But surely by now, people know. And I guess we can write this off as Sirius having been in prison for 13 years; he wasn’t able to ever really probably interact with anyone, like y’all were saying earlier, and he’s just been on the run, so he hasn’t been able to educate himself. I guess we can write it off that way, but it does feel a little bit far-fetched. I’ll let it go because I love this book, but this is definitely…

Andrew: Uh-oh, don’t say the R word. “Rushed.”

Laura: No, no, I’m not going to say that; I’m just saying this is one of those moments that it is the way it is for the plot.

Andrew: I’m going to bring up something from Jeff Probst on Survivor, since Micah likes Survivor as well. He likes to note as time goes on out on the island, the cognitive abilities decline. So to your point, Laura, Sirius’s cognitive abilities have declined while being in prison without the ability to eat chicken.

Laura: Oh, very likely. And I mean, he’s on the run and he’s eating rats, and God knows what his hydration or his ability to exercise looks like, so yeah, he’s having a hard time.

Micah: That’s fair. That’s fair. I would say the whole jury’s cognitive ability declined in this particular season of Survivor, but we can talk about that another time.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Micah is not happy with the ending.

Eric: So many questionable calls.

Micah: Somebody in the Discord, though, HedwigTheme, said, “Do you think he really didn’t know?” talking about Sirius and Snape. “I thought he was just withholding from the trio.”

Laura: I wondered that at first too.

Eric: It’s interesting because if Snape is still, to Sirius, a suspect, I think Sirius would be making other plans to talk to Dumbledore. I don’t think Sirius necessarily possesses the restraint to not tell them about Snape. I think that he just really… everything Sirius knows about Snape is really limited by what his interactions with him were like at school, and I think Sirius fortunately doesn’t hide away the fact that that’s all he knows about Snape. The exception is the stuff how Snape behaved in the Shrieking Shack at the last book; that and what he was like at school is all he knows. But Sirius doesn’t possess, for any reason, additional information about Snape or his loyalties or why Dumbledore trusts him. He just doesn’t know.

Micah: Well, so much information was revealed in this chapter, maybe some of it below the surface, but plenty of it on the surface for us, at least as readers, to be able to figure out where this is all going as we head into the final chapters of Goblet of Fire. But I wanted to give a special shout-out to Ron, because we often note how when Ron says some things jokingly or otherwise, they have a tendency to come true, or he has a tendency to be right on the mark. And two that I wanted to just call out were… this is when Sirius was talking about Barty Crouch, Sr. He says, “If you ask me, he still thinks he can bring back the old popularity by catching one more Death Eater,” and Ron responds, “And he sneaked up here to search Snape’s office!” And so the whole idea of catching one more Death Eater and then saying Snape’s name right after that? Score one point for Ron. Ron figured it out without realizing that he actually figured it out. And then a bit… actually, not that long after that, Ron says, “I know Dumbledore’s brilliant and everything, but that doesn’t mean a really clever Dark wizard couldn’t fool him.”

Andrew: Sounds like some people on this panel, although this is a bit more charitable of a…

Micah: But he’s got the measure of it; he just doesn’t know who it is at this point. But given we’ve been talking about a former Death Eater this entire chapter who’s supposedly dead, I don’t know. But anything else before we jump to odds and ends we want to mention? I know, like I said, there was a lot in this chapter.

Eric: Sure. Yeah, I think it’s clever that we don’t get a reveal of Barty Crouch’s kid’s name. If you did, the book would really end. It would just be over; we would have all the answers. But Sirius never says what his name is, and so you get 99% of the way there. But there’s still… I think we don’t find out what Barty Crouch’s kid’s name is until the Pensieve chapter.

Laura: Well, unfortunately, the Marauder’s Map does not display “Senior” or “Junior” on it…

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: … so that prevents the tip-off. [laughs]

Eric: It’s a real… yeah.

Micah: Yeah, it’s almost surprising that Harry doesn’t bring up the map, right, Eric?

Eric: Yeah, you could have easily gotten into this discussion about Barty showing up on the map, because Sirius is one of the four creators of the map and so if Harry still had his map – which is the reason, I think, that it’s not brought up, as Harry doesn’t have it with him – Sirius might have been able to do some extra magic and go into the metadata of who was seen on the map at a certain time and figure out that it’s Junior, not Senior. Maybe the name is only omitted due to a character limit, but that Sirius can extend it magically and… I don’t know.

Laura: Right click, “Get info.”

Eric: Yeah, you do have one of the creative founders of the map. And this mystery is largely centered on what Harry saw on the map, so it’s just a shame we didn’t… that’s what I want to… I always want to spend more time with the Marauders so that I can ask them more questions about the map.

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Eric: And their interesting lives.

Micah: Yes.


Odds & Ends


Micah: All right. Well, let’s get to some odds and ends. First up, can we cross Ludo Bagman off the suspect list at this point? He comes up in this chapter…

[Eric sighs]

Andrew: Sirius is like, “Meh.”

Micah: Sirius doesn’t feel too strongly about him.

Andrew: Yeah, and I think there’s so much focus on Crouch at this point. All this work would not have gone into talking about Crouch if there wasn’t something afoot with him.

Laura: Agreed. It would have been a really great distraction, though, because doesn’t Sirius also say, “I don’t really know that much about Ludo Bagman,” and then he just kind of moves on with the conversation, so what if it was Ludo the whole time?

Eric: That would be the guy, yeah.

Laura: Oh, that would be brilliant. [laughs]

Andrew: And we spent this whole episode talking about these Crouch revelations for nothing.

Eric: It’s literally like the Eileen Prince thing, right? She just comes out of nowhere. She wasn’t on anybody’s radar.

Andrew: Yeah.

Micah: Well, speaking of somebody who’s not been on anybody’s radar for a while, Bertha Jorkins.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Sirius, again coming through in the clutch, has a lot of information about Bertha, knew her at school. Quite the gossip, and according to him, she’s not as forgetful as we are led to believe, so another reason to think that something is up with that whole situation.

Eric: Yeah, Sirius suggests that she would be dangerous based on how much information she has in her. Okay, and finally, for odds and ends this week, y’all, I have a retraction. I don’t want to do this. This is against my will. I’m being coerced to do the right thing here. Remember, last week, when I asked if the hostages of the second task were really in danger?

Micah: How could we forget? It was the whole episode.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Well, it turns out the next… the opening line of this chapter is as follows. It’s not the opening line, but it’s the opening page. “Harry noticed that Ron’s version of events changed subtly with every retelling. At first, he gave what seemed to be the truth; it tallied with Hermione’s story – Dumbledore had put all the hostages into a bewitched sleep in Professor McGonagall’s office, first assuring them that they would be quite safe, and would awake when they were back above the water.” Okay, so we have confirmation that Dumbledore did tell them that they’d be safe. Anyway, moving on.

Andrew: Well, I’ll defend you for a second, Eric; it still doesn’t make it right. It’s still pretty messed up.

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Laura: No, yeah.

Eric: It’s still thirdhand, like, “Somebody said somebody…” We don’t see Hermione say that, but still, it’s wild that that happened.

Micah: Yeah. Well, I will say that I love the fact that this is really the first time that the second task is coming up at all in this discussion…

[Eric laughs]

Micah: … that we spent the entire time discussing the mystery of what’s going on in this book.

Eric: Yeah, but I’ll tell you, too, as many people pointed out last week, they were still in danger for what the champions might have done to them. Krum still might have bitten one of them in half, etc., etc., so I value the discussion we had last week. But yeah, it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t say that it’s kind of solved. [laughs]


MVP of the Week


Andrew: Okay, it’s time for MVP of the Week.

[MVP of the Week music plays]

Andrew: I’m going to give mine to smart Ron – which I think I may have done once before, actually – for the line that we mentioned a few minutes ago. “Give it a rest, Hermione. I know Dumbledore’s brilliant and everything, but that doesn’t mean a really clever Dark wizard couldn’t fool him.”

Micah: It’s happened one too many times.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Eric: Is it any question as to who’s getting my MVP? Sirius Black is taking time out of his busy schedule life on the run, making himself available for godfatherly duties, and general adult life lesson-giving. Good for Sirius, everybody.

Micah: I’m going to give it to The Daily Prophet. As we mentioned, it’s giving Sirius a lot of important information and allowing him to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

Laura: And I’m going to give mine to Hermione for a throwback to earlier in this discussion. I thought the way that she handled being gossiped about in a really crappy magazine was incredibly mature for her age, and it could have gotten a lot worse for her with her peers if she hadn’t handled it that way, so good job.

Andrew: Listeners, if you have any feedback about today’s discussion, you can email or send a voice memo recorded on your phone to MuggleCast@gmail.com, or you can use our phone number, which is 1-920-3-MUGGLE; that’s 1-920-368-4453. We do prefer voice memos because you’ll sound better on them, and we’d also love if you tried to keep your voice message about a minute long so we can fit in as many as possible during Muggle Mail episodes. And next week we’ll discuss Goblet of Fire Chapter 28, “The Madness of Mr. Crouch,” and we’re going to have one or two special guests joining us. I’ll give you a hint: They’ve been on the show before, so it’ll be a fun episode of MuggleCast.

Laura: Oooh.


Quizzitch


Andrew: And now it’s time for Quizzitch.

[Quizzitch music plays]

Eric: Last week’s question: Who authorized Aurors to use the Unforgivable Curses during the first wizarding war? And the answer is Barty Crouch, Sr. Last week’s answers were correct and submitted by CaliLovesQuizzitch; Elizabeth K.; George’s Holey Ear; I stayed up until 2 a.m. reading Goblet of Fire so I could find the right answer and now I’m too tired to come up with a clever name…

Andrew: Aww.

Eric: … I’m in geometry and I have finals next week and I don’t know how to do it aaaaahhhhh. Okay. I’ve reread Harry Potter 70 times because I have no friends besides y’all.

Eric and Laura: Aww.

Eric: Jiggly Jane; LC; Lloyd the Kiwi; Megwitch; Merlin’s saggy left earlobe; Ned Nederlander; Roby’s Screaming Smelly Sock; Snape’s Barber; Snuffles’s paw print; The 6-year-old whose mom wrote this because I can’t spell and love MuggleCast so much since I just finished listening to this series…

Laura: Aw.

Eric: … The 11-year-old witch; Tofu Tom; and Weaselbee. Yeah, I’ve got to tell you, when we had two weeks off of MuggleCast there just because of the Memorial Day thing, the Quizzitch box was getting so full that I had to actually prevent more entries, so if y’all saw the error…

Andrew: [imitating Ringo] Peace and love, peace and love. No more entries, please.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Yes, but it’s back open again, which means you can submit for this next week’s question: What food does Harry send to Sirius in his cave that Pigwidgeon is not suitable for? I loved this little detail. Submit your answer to us on the MuggleCast website, MuggleCast.com/Quizzitch. If you’re on the MuggleCast website, maybe checking out transcripts or Hall of Fame or anything else like that, just click on “Quizzitch” from the main nav.

Andrew: And this show is brought to you by Muggles like you; we don’t have any corporate overlords who control the show with an Unforgivable Curse.

Micah: We’re just underlings.

Andrew: We’re just underlings. No, no, we’re not underlings!

[Micah laughs]

Eric: We’re direct reports.

Andrew: We’re the top dog here, and that gives us all the power, but we couldn’t do this show without support from listeners like you. We would be powerless without you. We would be the underlings without you. So to help us out, if you’re an Apple Podcasts user, you can subscribe to MuggleCast Gold, and that gets you ad-free, early access to MuggleCast, plus two bonus MuggleCast installments every month. There’s also Patreon.com/MuggleCast, and you’ll get all the benefits of MuggleCast Gold plus livestreams; shout-out to everybody who joined us tonight. You get access to our planning docs, the chance to co-host the show one day, a new physical gift every year – we’re very close to announcing this year’s gift, by the way – and you’ll also receive a video message from one of the four of us. If you want to support us a different way, check out our Etsy store, MuggleMillennial.etsy.com, and you can find the MuggleCast Cozy Comfy Combo pack, T-shirts, signed album art, wooden cars from our 16th anniversary, and more. Again, that’s MuggleMillennial.etsy.com. Eric and Micah, you have some news to share concerning the LeakyCon schej?

Eric: That’s right! We finally have dates for our main panels at LeakyCon this year. The convention is, of course, July 5-7 at where, Micah?

Micah: Oregon Convention Center in Portland, Oregon.

Eric: That’s right. So first off, we have a MuggleCast meet-up at the con Friday, 7/5 at 11:15 a.m. The very next day on Saturday we have our podcaster mega panel, bright and early at 10:00 a.m.; love it when they do that. And later that day, live MuggleCast is Saturday the 6th at 5:00 p.m., and closing out the con, the final event is going to be…

Micah: It’s a lot of pressure.

Eric: Yeah. Sunday, 5:00 p.m. LeakyMug. We now have… we’re going to be joined, just like we did in Boston, Melissa, John Noe, and Frak Franco are all going to be there, so good ol’ LeakyMug represent.

Andrew: From Pottercast, for any newer listeners who don’t know. [laughs]

Eric: From Pottercast, yeah, sorry. The Leaky Cauldron’s pod… 19 years ago, there was another podcast started.

[Micah laughs]

Eric: So please join us there. Visit the LeakyCon.com website and enter code “Muggle” to get some money off your tickets.

Andrew: If you enjoy MuggleCast and think other Muggles would, too, we would love if you help us spread the word about the show, so do tell a friend. Maybe a Harry Potter friend who’s looking for more Harry Potter friends. And you can also help us spread the word by leaving a review in your favorite podcast app. We love seeing those reviews come in; they mean everything to us, so thank you for leaving a review. I will ask, if you enjoy the show, please leave a five-star review. Sometimes we get reviews that are one star, but then they write a really nice review, so I feel like they think a one star is like an A because… I don’t know. But five stars!

Eric: One star out of one? Yeah.

Andrew: [laughs] Five stars, please, if you enjoy the show. All right, that does it for this week’s episode. Thanks, everybody, for listening. I’m Andrew.

Eric: I’m Eric.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: Bye, everybody.

Laura and Micah: Bye.

Transcript #659

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #659, ‘You Available To Be Stolen This Friday?’ (GOF Chapter 26, The Second Task)


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Laura Tee: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into the wizarding world fandom. I’m Laura.

Eric Scull: I’m Eric.

Micah Tannenbaum: And I’m Micah.

Laura: Grab your House-themed pennants and something to do for an hour, because today we’re heading down to the Black Lake and celebrating a Triwizard task that nobody above ground can see or appreciate.

Eric: Yay!

Laura: Of course, this week we’re discussing Goblet of Fire Chapter 26, “The Second Task.” But first, welcome back, ChloĆ©, our beloved Social Media Manager.

ChloĆ© Laverson: Hi, friends. Missed y’all. It’s good to be on an episode with the boys; it’s been a while.

Laura: Right?

Eric: ChloƩ, not only are you back, but you dressed on theme!

ChloĆ©: Always, always. I think my first episode I ever did, I also dressed up, and I think I’ve at least put an accessory on every single time. I’m committed to the bit.

Eric: You’re committed to the bit, but this is… so for listeners at home on audio, you’re in a Beauxbatons school uniform.

ChloĆ©: Yes, I am honoring my girl Fleur and rocking the… it’s subtle. I told Eric it’s subtle. It’s just the cape.

Eric: This is not subtle, but I do agree, it’s beautiful.

[ChloƩ and Micah laugh]

ChloƩ: I left the hat, okay?

Laura: Well, hey, I think it’s particularly on theme because there’s a little bit of character assassination that happens of Fleur in this doc, and I’m so glad that you are here to represent, ChloĆ©.

ChloĆ©: I strongly disagree, babes. I don’t think there’s a character assassination at all. I actually think this chapter shows her off in such a positive light, but we’ll get to it.

Laura: Okay.

Eric: We’ll get to it. That’s an interesting take. I look forward to discussing it.

Laura: [laughs] Eric is like, “I’m primed for the debate.”

[Everyone laughs]

ChloĆ©: He’s like, “I am ready to fight. Square up.” [laughs]

Laura: Well, a little bit of housekeeping before we get into our chapter: We will be off next week for Memorial Day, but we will be releasing a bonus MuggleCast from our MuggleCast archives instead of an episode, and then the following week, we’ll be back as usual. And speaking of bonus MuggleCast, we just released our bonus about the WB games CEO J.B. Perrette. This was about them discussing their video game strategy. And we actually will have a new bonus coming to Patreon and MuggleCast Gold recording this week. What is on tap for us this week, Micah?

Micah: Yeah, so we are going to be discussing some of the top places that didn’t make an appearance in the Harry Potter films, but we would love to see make the Harry Potter TV show.

Eric: Oooh.

Laura: Fascinating.

Micah: So each host chose one or two.

ChloƩ: I love this topic.

Eric: It’s a good topic.

Micah: We’re going to dive in and have some fun with it.


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Laura: Let’s go ahead and get into this week’s chapter, again, Goblet of Fire Chapter 26, “The Second Task,” and we will get started as always with our seven-word summary.

ChloĆ©: Oh my God. I didn’t think. I didn’t think. I’m not prepared.

Micah: No, it’s better that way. This way it’s just whatever word pops out.

ChloƩ: Okay.

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

ChloĆ©: The… [laughs]

Micah: … merpeople…

Laura: … mock…

Eric: … Harry…

ChloĆ©: … incessantly…

Micah: … under…

Laura: … water!

Eric: Yay!

[ChloƩ laughs]

Micah: It’s that Ravenclaw connection, Laura.

ChloƩ: Go crazy.

Laura: I know. I picked up what you were putting down.


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Eric: That Seven-Word Summary might be the only thing that slays about this chapter. I think that we have found it, you guys, the element of a rushed book that does not work under any scrutiny. It’s the second Triwizard task!

[ChloƩ and Laura laugh]

Eric: So I am excited for you to join me on this journey of discussing the chapter, but before we can talk about the second task, there is a little bit of plot update otherwise. We last left Rubeus Hagrid when Dumbledore refused to accept his resignation, and now, everybody, Hagrid is back teaching classes. He did seem to take some cues from Professor Grubbly-Plank because he’s going on about unicorns. And it’s said that Hagrid actually knows a lot about unicorns, but Harry specifically feels like Hagrid is a little disappointed that unicorns aren’t more dangerous. So he could have been teaching about unicorns all this time, but he just thinks they’re probably boring. Are we sad to see a good teacher in Grubbly-Plank just go?

Laura: Isn’t she back later? Don’t we get her again?

[Micah laughs]

Eric: I know she comes back next year when Hagrid is away.

Micah: Shh. Spoilers.

[ChloƩ laughs]

Laura: Hey, Kierra finished Order, so we’re good.

ChloĆ©: [laughs] I think it’s cuckoo bananas that Hagrid thinks unicorns are boring. I get that they don’t have fangs or claws, but I would kill to be in this class, in this lesson. I want to meet a unicorn. Like, are you joking?

Micah: Do we think that he got instruction, though, to temper down the lesson a little bit?

Eric: If he did, it came way too late.

ChloƩ: Real.

Eric: Because there was a free-for-all with the Skrewts; there was a full-on war where the Skrewts just decimated each other over months.

ChloĆ©: I mean, I can imagine that he probably feels maybe a little trepidatious or intimidated, scared, even, to go so far at this point. I don’t know. I feel like Hagrid might be a little nervous. Also, he probably is comparing himself to Grubbly-Plank and how the students feel; we know that Hagrid overthinks and is in his head about his lessons and often doesn’t feel like he is enough, so I wonder if that’s a bit of it, too, wanting to build off what Grubbly-Plank does so that he feels more secure coming back.

Laura: Yeah, and he does this in Prisoner as well, where after an incident occurs in his classroom with a more dangerous animal, he defaults to something a lot safer until the heat wears off, right? He does this with the Flobberworms.

ChloƩ: Unicorns are so much more interesting than Flobberworms. [laughs]

Laura: Oh, 100%. But ChloĆ©, I wanted to expand on what you said there because I think the reason that Hagrid finds the more dangerous creatures interesting is because he feels misunderstood and he thinks they’re misunderstood, right? He sees himself in them, and just like he does with all of the Hogwarts students who don’t really have a home when they first come to Hogwarts, he’s doing the same thing for these beasts.

ChloƩ: Wow, yeah.

Laura: So his heart’s in the right place.

ChloĆ©: No, Hagrid is so tender. He’s just so cutie and so precious. I do love what Danielle said in the Discord: “Unicorns aren’t metal enough for Hagrid.”

[Eric laughs]

Laura: Legit.

ChloĆ©: Nothing’s metal enough for Hagrid unless it can kill you on site.

Laura: Dude, what if it was a vampire unicorn?

Eric and Micah: Oooh.

ChloƩ: Whoa.

Laura: I don’t know if that’s possible, but he would be into that.

ChloƩ: Interesting. Interesting. [laughs]

Micah: Also, there’s zero room for error, though, here for Hagrid. I think that’s part of it, too. And it goes to your point, ChloĆ©, about him being nervous. He realizes that he needs to play it safe; there’s no opportunity here for him to mess up. And we’re also told that… I think there’s only two of the Blast-Ended Skrewts left at this point…

[ChloƩ and Micah laugh]

Micah: … so it’s not really like there’s much for him to do with the remaining Skrewts. So I believe that Hagrid should have returned to his job as gamekeeper, going back to the question; Grubbly-Plank should have stayed, because Hagrid is not a good professor.

ChloƩ: Here we go, Micah.

Micah: He’s not qualified for the job. I’m sure there’s plenty of leftovers from the Beauxbatons carriages that he needs to clean up, given the time that he has spent sulking in his cabin…

ChloƩ and Laura: Whoa.

Eric: Wow. “Why doesn’t Hagrid find something he’s good at?” Oh my God.

ChloƩ: Scooping up poop. I see the DMs now.

[Micah laughs]

ChloĆ©: “I am so sad. Micah keeps laying into Hagrid. Micah is too obsessed with…” I can see it now because last time, that also happened. [laughs]

Eric: We’ll pivot slightly. Yes, Hagrid got the idea of unicorns from Grubbly-Plank’s best lesson of the year. However, Hagrid’s class might actually be a little bit more accessible than Grubbly-Plank’s was, because Hagrid has brought baby unicorns, unicorn foals, and unicorn foals are not as nit-picky. They are not as exclusionary as adult unicorns when it comes to letting boys into their enclosure, so I would say props to Hagrid.

Micah: Well…

Laura: It’s because the unicorns are naive at that age.

ChloƩ: Yes, I was about to say.

Laura: They haven’t…

Eric: Uh, okay.

ChloĆ©: There’s a social commentary there, babes…

Laura: Dude, 100%.

ChloĆ©: … about the fact that as they get older, they become more wary of men, but when they’re babies, they’re like, “Yeah, we’re okay with them.” Like, hello. [laughs]

Eric: Okay.

Laura: Yeah, there’s something to that.

ChloƩ: For sure.

[ChloƩ and Laura laugh]

Eric: Yeah, I agree. But I mean, this way all the students can participate and get closer.

ChloĆ©: It’s smart. It’s a smart move, for sure.

Micah: The only reason it was written this way was so that Draco could have his fun with Harry and show off the article about Hagrid. It gave them a meaningful conversation where they weren’t going to be interrupted by Grubbly-Plank or any of the other students.

Eric: So you’re saying no joy, no love for Hagrid making the class…

ChloƩ: This was a plot device. [laughs]

Micah: It’s a total plot device.

Eric: Yeah. Okay, all right.

Micah: I bet if Harry went up to one of those unicorns, would’ve been fine.

ChloĆ©: Well, considering they’re babies, yeah. [laughs]

Micah: No, I’m talking about in the other chapter.

ChloĆ©: Oh, oh, oh. I think it’s wonderful that the women get an animal, if that makes sense. I think that’s pretty cool too.

Eric: Look, I agree. Yeah, Lisa Frank would be thrilled to learn this.

ChloĆ©: Oh, for real. [laughs] The gold unicorns, too, the fact that they’re gold when they’re babies. That goes hard.

Eric: It’s really cool. So can we say that Hagrid learned something from this incident that has occurred, or…? No.

ChloĆ©: No, ain’t no way.

Eric: Can we see him introducing Skrewts or something awful next time? Probably.

ChloƩ: Yes.

Eric: Well, okay.

[ChloƩ and Laura laugh]

Eric: In the meantime, the heat’s off. We’ll pivot to Harry now, because Harry, of course, has the clue from the egg now that he’s gotten it out of prefects’ bathroom, and he knows that the task takes place in the Black Lake, but he does not have any clue how to survive underwater. So now you know that the task is water, but that’s only part the way, and the fact that he procrastinated so long means there’s next to no time to actually figure out how to do what it is he has to do.

Laura: Yeah, you would have thought he would’ve learned his lesson. How many times has he procrastinated so far? He always ends up in a panic.

ChloƩ: And depending on others to get him through.

Laura: Yep.

Micah: Right. It shows why it was important for him to figure out the egg as soon as possible, because he wasn’t anticipating having this additional component to the prep for the task. The real challenge here really wasn’t opening the egg and figuring out its clue; it was, “Okay, well, how am I going to learn to swim underwater for an hour?”

ChloĆ©: Well, that’s the other thing: What if Harry couldn’t swim? What if any of these champions couldn’t swim? It’s not necessarily a skill that you automatically learn. That would be insane to have to learn an entire new skill, and then you have to figure out how to breathe underwater? Harry procrastinated so much that in any other situation… he would have never been able to complete this task. Thank God he learned how to swim; I guess the Dursleys gave him lessons or something. I don’t know.

Eric: Yeah, I don’t know why. I don’t know how that would’ve happened.

ChloĆ©: Yeah. I mean, you can also learn how to do that in the prefects’ bath, TBH. [laughs]

Eric: Oh, yeah. Well, even if you figured out the clue the day after the first task, it’s wintertime. You’re not going to take swimming lessons in the lake in the winter.

ChloĆ©: Right, but the prefects’ bath…

Laura: Unless you’re Krum.

Eric: Unless you’re Krum, yeah.

ChloƩ: True. Krum do love his cold plunge. He be on that cold plunge, guys. [laughs]

Eric: The Polar Plunge? Yeah, yeah. He does love it. But so my question regarding Harry, because… and to Hermione and Ron’s credit, they accompany him to the library. There are many long nights in the library. In fact, the night before the task, Harry is still going to the library after hours, all this stuff, looking for something. So he’s trying; his friends are trying to help him. The beginning of the chapter goes through Harry’s process and how he’s trying to find out the answer, but do we think that he’s utilizing all avenues here? I definitely think there are teachers that won’t help him. He’s asked McGonagall just for access to the Restricted Section, which presumably she gives, but I know that – or I believe – if he were to actually ask her, “Any understanding of how to breathe underwater?” she would say, “No, Potter, you’ve got to figure it out on your own.” But that said, somebody like Remus Lupin, last year’s professor – no longer bound by necessarily the rules that would constitute cheating – surely asking any adult might be better than trying to figure it out with a bunch of people his own age.

ChloĆ©: Another issue with his procrastination, though: If he hadn’t procrastinated, he probably could have gotten a few owls out to whoever he wanted – Sirius, Lupin, someone – but he couldn’t. Or maybe he could, but there’s no guarantee that the owl would fly back in time. Another issue with mail by owl, or communication by owl.

Laura: And honestly, I feel like Fakey has really shown that he’ll help Harry at this point. I mean, he does, right? We find out later that by the transitive property, he is the reason Harry figures out how to do this.

[ChloƩ and Eric laugh]

Laura: And I think that Harry literally could have just gone to him and been like, “Hey, Professor…”

ChloƩ: For sure.

Laura: “… I’ve got to figure out how to breathe underwater,” and he would have made it happen. But I did have a question: Do we think Professor Sprout would have helped, given the fact that Cedric Diggory is in her House and she probably wants him to win? Or would she have been like, “You’re on your own, kid”?

ChloĆ©: For sure “You’re on your own, kid.”

Micah: Flitwick, maybe.

ChloĆ©: I don’t think any of the professors would at Hogwarts, except Fakey, if I’m honest. I feel like they all got briefed, like, “You are not supposed to help these champions, period.”

Micah: Yeah, but we see Karkaroff, we see Maxime helping, or we’re presuming that they’re helping their respective champions, and I don’t think it’d be any different for Harry to get assistance from Dumbledore.

ChloĆ©: If everyone’s cheating, then we might as well cheat too. [laughs]

Eric: Right.

Micah: But what I think this all really does a good job of shining a light on is the fact that Harry is younger than these other champions; Hermione even calls it out, right? The lack of educational training that Harry has up until this point really limits him in figuring out an easy solution, things that probably came a little bit more readily to Cedric, Krum, and Fleur.

Eric: Right, they may have, for instance, been shown Bubble-Head Charms in Charms class in a few years’ time, potentially, which is what they end up using. We are going to talk a little bit more about the whole breathing underwater thing in a moment, but first, we’d like to take a break and hear from our sponsors.

[Ad break]

Eric: All right, we’re back, and I have one question for you guys about breathing underwater: Why isn’t it written about more often, or more frequently? Why are there no books about people who are undersea explorer wizards?

ChloƩ: [laughs] Real. Real.

Eric: And Harry strikes out, but wouldn’t this be…? There would be a wizarding version of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. There would be a version…

ChloƩ: 1,000%.

Eric: Yeah, something cool. So Harry just completely strikes out?

ChloĆ©: Yeah, this is the first thing I would ask or look up the second I’m going to Hogwarts as a Muggle-born.

Eric: How to breathe underwater? [laughs]

ChloĆ©: How to breathe underwater! I love swimming. I love the ocean; I grew up next to it. The first question I would have is, “Are there mermaids?” The answer is yes. And “How do I go swim with the mermaids?” After learning more about them, I might not be as interested. But those would still be my first questions, especially as an 11-year-old girl, so I’m shocked that they didn’t have this thought yet.

Laura: Yeah. Well, and I’m also shocked that Harry doesn’t think… if we’re thinking about people he could ask for help, I’m surprised he doesn’t ask Madam Pince for help.

ChloĆ©: Doesn’t he?

Laura: Does he for this, specifically?

ChloĆ©: Yes, he asks… yeah, I don’t think they specify how in detail he asks her, but I think that he does ask her where to find books about underwater things in this chapter.

Laura: Okay, okay. Well, never mind. Scratch that, then. Because I’m used to…

ChloƩ: But he could have maybe been more explicit. She is a librarian.

Laura: Yeah, and I mean, that’s a really big part of the job. [laughs]

ChloĆ©: Also, the fact that that’s not something that other students are looking up is also cuckoo bananas to me. They have their summers off; you’re telling me that none of them want to know what it’s like to breathe underwater or go on a little underwater adventure? These wizards, man.

Micah: It’s true.

Laura: I guess they didn’t grow up playing mermaids in the pool, ChloĆ©. That might just be a you and me thing.

[Micah laughs]

ChloƩ: Well, that sucks.

Eric: Wait, what is this?

ChloƩ: [gasps] Should we play mermaids, Laura?

Eric: What is mermaids? Besides an amazing charity.

Micah: Is it like Marco Polo?

ChloĆ©: No, babes, you literally just pretend you’re mermaids.

Laura: You literally in a swimming pool, you just pretend you’re a mermaid.

Eric: That’s cool. Yeah, that’s cool.

ChloƩ: Yeah, some of us still do it. [laughs]

Eric: Well, nowadays, they have 3D printed fins, right? And stretchy tails that you can wear?

ChloĆ©: So cool. You can actually be a mermaid as a job. That’s a job now.

Eric: Really?

ChloĆ©: I don’t know why I didn’t go into that. Crazy.

[Micah laughs]

Eric: Well, there’s still a future.

ChloƩ: Still time!

Eric: [laughs] Still time.

Micah: Eric, I do think there is one person that Harry could have gone to now. We saw him be dismissive of him already, but that’s Ludo Bagman.

ChloƩ: Oooh.

Micah: Ludo would 1,000% have helped Harry in this task.

ChloĆ©: Would he know how to breathe underwater? I’m sorry, but Ludo kind of just seems like a big ol’ himbo.

Eric: Yes but no, because he has at this point offered so many times to help Harry…

ChloĆ©: That’s true. That’s true.

Eric: … and there’s more and more evidence that he’s actively betting on Harry that I bet that he has easily three options worked out for Harry to take even one minute before Harry dives in. He’s got preparation. Bagman is there with probably a pocketful of Gillyweed, another book of…

ChloĆ©: That’s true. His livelihood is depending on this.

Eric: Exactly. That’s why Bagman specifically is so relieved when Harry shows up; everyone else is scoffing at him…

ChloĆ©: Yeah, it’s true.

Eric: … but Bagman is relieved. It’s like… okay, so I do think Bagman is 100% a resource, Micah, just like you said.

Micah: Well, Danielle in the Discord brings up a good point: Ludo knows a guy who knows a guy who can help Harry.

[ChloƩ laughs]

Eric: Ahh.

Laura: That sounds about right.

Eric: [in a mafioso voice] Ludo Bagman, he knows a guy.

ChloƩ: Definitely not sketchy at all.

Micah: My mind is going back to the beginning of the chapter, though; I know I threw out Flitwick’s name earlier, too, but it’s almost ironic that Harry is sitting there in Charms class and is talking to Ron and Hermione about how to figure this whole thing out – I mean, they’re also talking about Snape and Moody’s interaction – but why not go up to the Charms professor and at least try? [laughs]

ChloĆ©: Can we just talk about for a second the fact that Flitwick is zooming across the room because they’re doing Summoning and Banishing Charms and Neville accidentally Banishes and Summons Flitwick? That is so funny to me, and I forgot about it completely until I reread the chapter. [laughs]

Eric: I guess you can Accio living things in the books.

ChloƩ: I guess. [laughs]

Eric: Ah, it’s so funny.

Laura: Does he Accio him or does he Banish him?

Eric: Well…

ChloĆ©: I don’t know, but there’s literally… they talk about the fact that Flitwick zooms across the room.

Eric: Why should you be allowed to do one and not the other, is what I wonder.

ChloƩ: True.

Eric: I don’t want to be pulled anywhere any more than I want to be pushed somewhere by magic unexpected.

ChloĆ©: I wonder, Micah, though… I feel like Harry is just not close to Flitwick at all.

Eric: You would get that sense.

ChloƩ: I feel like he might just not even have the comfortability level to ask him.

Eric: Flitwick is such a good teacher…

Micah: Desperate times.

ChloƩ: True. [laughs]

Eric: Flitwick would absolutely… more than McGongall, more than the other Heads of House, more than Sprout, Flitwick would point Harry in the right direction, because the end result of giving a tip to Harry would mean that Harry researches more Charms, which is totally in Flitwick’s best interest to have a student inspired.

ChloƩ: Teaching moment.

Eric: Yeah, absolutely. So let’s start talking about the task itself, because Harry wakes up, he’s still in the library, he’s got ten minutes before the task starts, and he still doesn’t know what he’s doing for the task. Have any of us been in a similar situation where either you’re up late studying or you’re just completely woefully unprepared? And it’s time; it’s do or die. You have to just… you find yourself having to wing it?

Laura: Oh, yeah. I mean, I’ve been in the situation of having overslept and woken up just a few minutes before I’m supposed to be taking a test, and not only is there no way that I’ll get there in time, but I’m in no condition to be taking a test right now. So if I had been Harry, I wouldn’t have gone. I would have been like, “I’m going to bed.” I would’ve skipped it.

Eric: [laughs] Come what may.

ChloĆ©: 100%. I would’ve said, “Absolutely not.” What’s the Goblet going to do? Like, what is the Goblet going to do?

Eric: I don’t what to find out.

ChloĆ©: Okay, so he misses a task. I feel like Harry is starting to care about winning just a little bit at this point. But if we’re so honest, if I was in Harry’s situation and I was thrown into a death tournament against my will against students that are so much older than me and so much more prepared, I’m not going to the second task if I oversleep. Like, hello. I’m saying, “Nah, thanks so much. I’mma sleep in. Everyone else can sit by the lake unamused for an hour; I’ll stay here.”

Eric: Yeah, I mean, there’s that. We’ll talk about that in a minute. But it’s not even about learning how to breathe underwater or learning how to swim, because the mermaids aren’t just in the water; they’re at the bottom of the lake. They’re all the way across through this obstacle course of underwater demons and horrible things. This is hard. This is really, really hard.

ChloĆ©: The only reason Harry is going is because low-key the embarrassment of not, in my opinion. He would probably feel ashamed or embarrassed that he wasn’t able to do the next task or complete it.

Micah: And he does when he first goes into the water because he doesn’t think it’s going to work.

Eric: That said, Dobby tells him that they have his Wheezy.

[Micah laughs]

ChloĆ©: That’s true.

Eric: This is actually… at that point, this has become a rescue mission for Harry. Everything that Harry has come to believe about this task is to take it at its word and that something is gone; it won’t come back. And the thing that he loves the most, it turns out, is Ron Weasley, underwater being held hostage.

Micah: So one thing I wanted to bring up, though, that I think is important here, though – it’s with Dobby, and it’s also with Moaning Myrtle a little bit later on in this chapter – is that Harry actually has a pretty vast network of support.

ChloƩ: True.

Micah: He just doesn’t look to tap into the right people at the right time.

ChloĆ©: I think that’s because he’s never really… he’s not used to the support. He was so alone in his childhood; he had no one to go to; he had to be hyper independent, and he just still at this point does not realize that he has people in his corner that he can trust and people that will help him, and it’s heartbreaking, but that’s a part of it. He’s gotten so comfortable with Ron and Hermione; they’re the only people that he really feels like, “Oh, I can go to them with anything,” but he does not realize that he has a much more vast network; you’re so right about that. And I think it’s a product of his childhood.

Eric: I love that idea, because it’s just not a reflex for him. Even though he has all of these friends that are willing to help, it’s not a reflex. Voldemort, by contrast – or Dumbledore, even – use people, and that is almost to a detriment of being friends with somebody. Harry doesn’t know that there’s a middle ground; you don’t need to… if you ask somebody for help, it doesn’t mean that you’re using them, or it doesn’t mean that you’re not a good friend to them. But I think that Harry is erring on the side of… like you said, ChloĆ©, I think you hit it on the head, abused child and he’s on his own.

ChloĆ©: Also, I mean, we’re all adults here. We know how hard it is for us to ask for help when we need it from our support system. And I’ve been in moments where I’ve been struggling with my mental health or having a difficult moment in life, and I’ve even found it hard to reach out to my inner circle, let alone maybe my bigger one. So I think that Harry has that feeling of anxiety and not wanting to take advantage of people, and also even more just doesn’t even know that it’s there.

Eric: It’s definitely the “doesn’t even know,” too, because at the point of him getting so stressed out, you would think that something would dawn on him of “somebody I can ask,” but it doesn’t even occur to him.

Micah: Right.

Laura: He also feels like an imposter, too, right? He’s not supposed to be there, and he’s so much younger.

Eric: He’s got to get out of his own way, almost.

ChloƩ: Oh, that is so this chapter. [laughs]

Micah: I was going to bring up the movie because I do think for as much as we criticize the films, the movie did a great job of changing this from Dobby to Neville.

ChloƩ: 100.

Micah: And really giving Neville a powerful moment, another moment of connection with Harry. We talk about how it could have been Neville a lot on this podcast, but the fact that it is him who steps up and helps Harry in this moment is well done by the movie.

Laura: I agree.

Eric: That’s a great point that leads directly into… this is Harry’s network. These are his people that could have always been there to help him and tell him through this stuff.

ChloĆ©: Also, it low-key does feel like the obvious choice for the author. I’m kind of surprised that she didn’t go that way. Neville is known for his Herbology skill, and it’s talked about before.

Eric: Yeah, but Neville would never be able to break into Snape’s office, though, and get his ingredients, so there is that.

ChloĆ©: That’s true. I do love a win for my boy, though.

Eric: Yeah, yeah. So Dobby helps out, which is great. And actually, it turns out that in the books, Dobby actually overheard Fakey and McGonagall talking about the task one day in the staff room. I will bet that Mad-Eye knew that he was there, knew that Harry’s friend Dobby, who he knows is friends with Harry, was there.

Micah: He’s seen his socks.

Eric: He’s seen his socks, exactly. Anyway, so Harry runs down to the lake. There’s no time; he gets in the water right when it starts, puts the Gillyweed in his mouth, starts to wade out. Also, everyone is giving him the stink eye, and this would be expected from the Slytherins who thought for a moment there’d be this really embarrassing opportunity to get Potter for being too scared to show up or whatever, but these are the headmasters of the other schools. What do they have to be glaring at Harry for? Where is professionalism in sports?

ChloĆ©: Ooh, I think they’re glaring because he did show up. I bet they didn’t want him to and they had already decided that he wasn’t going to because he’s so late, so him showing up makes them pretty upset.

Laura: Yeah, and I think that’s what Harry thinks, too. That’s his perception. I always try to remember that in these books we are always getting Harry’s perception, and it’s not to say that his perception isn’t correct, because I think a lot of the time it is, but I think it’s also possible that they were giving him stink eye for being late and creating a commotion, when again, they’re also thinking, “You’re not supposed to be here anyway.”

ChloĆ©: That reminds me of the moment earlier in this book when Harry feels sort of jilted by Professor Sprout. He is probably in his own head at least a little; he’s definitely not an unreliable narrator, but there are definitely some moments that he’s overthinking that it might not appear that way or seem that way to others.

Eric: That’s good enough for me, for sure. So we talked about this briefly before, [laughs] but the task itself is kind of a poor spectacle.

ChloƩ: Bring your knitting. [laughs]

Eric: This is joked I think most successfully… this is joked in Puffs because it’s right at the break between acts, and everyone jumps in and then there’s just this dead silence and it’s like, “Okay, what next?”

ChloĆ©: “What do we do now?”

Eric: Yeah, well, so the book confirms that nobody above ground is watching or able to watch what is going on in the water. I’m going to ask for the first time, but not the last in this chapter: Who planned this? Who planned this this way? They can’t even have one of those Fantastic Beasts-style security magic spells that has footage of the champions performing? Maybe in a quarter screen like you’re doing Mario Kart, nothing like that. Also, the lake itself is so dirty, is so dark that Harry can’t even see with his special Gillyweed body, can’t even see more than ten feet in front of his face, so this is just a disaster from a public perspective, from a sport fun activity perspective. Who’s going to cheer about this?

Laura: Hey, maybe in the show, they’ll include those magical Jumbotrons to…

ChloƩ: [laughs] Ret-con.

Micah: Maybe there’s performances. Maybe the giant squid is… that’s why you can’t see him, is because he’s doing magic tricks up on the surface.

[ChloƩ and Laura laugh]

Eric: They’re keeping them entertained; the school mascots are coming out to walk on and keep people busy.

ChloĆ©: Yo, or there’s cheering; there’s cheerleaders leading cheers. I feel like it would be so miserable, actually, to watch this; “watch” in air quotes, because what the hell are you watching? It’s cold. It is so cold. Obviously, the champions… that’s awful. I looked up the temperature in Scotland in February because I was so curious; it’s really cold. It’s 42 degrees Fahrenheit at a high.

Eric: That’s five degrees Celsius. That’s five Celsius.

ChloĆ©: Yeah, I’m not… you know what I would do? I would leave, go get a hot cocoa in the Great Hall…

[Micah laughs]

ChloĆ©: … then come back for the scores. I don’t want to sit there miserable, not doing anything. Like… [gags] Also, Harry is in a robe. Can we talk about that for a second? He jumps in in his full wizarding robe. That is what he’s swimming in. That sounds awful.

Micah: Well, it’s his lack of attention to what’s going on.

ChloƩ and Eric: Yeah.

Eric: The thing is, this is a task with mermaids, but you can’t even see mermaids if you’re above ground. ChloĆ©, you’d start a riot.

ChloĆ©: Yeah! Well, you can see the mermaids… that’s what I’m saying, though; you see the mermaids at the scoring. So you leave, get hot cocoa, come back, you see the mermaids, you see the scores…

Eric: Right.

ChloĆ©: You don’t need to do anything else. I mean, that’s what I’m doing.

Eric: Well, to really put a cap on this fact that nobody can see what’s going on, Dumbledore needs to go and talk to the Merchieftainess at the end of the task to figure out what happened. So not even Dumbledore… it’s bad enough the audience is getting an absolute wet blanket of a show here, but none of the judges at all either can here. And actually, if you want to point out a little security issue here with the judging, all the other judges have to take Dumbledore’s word for it about what the Merchieftainess is saying because none of them speak Mermish, so they also can’t…

ChloĆ©: I think that’s so cool. I think it’s so cool that Dumbledore speaks Mermish.

[Micah laughs]

Eric: Oh, yeah. It’s really badass.

ChloĆ©: I love that it’s just an offhanded comment. And it made me think about language electives at Hogwarts and whether or not they also… if you could potentially take Mermish or gobbledygook, or…

Eric: Right, as an elective.

ChloĆ©: I don’t know. That’s so cool. I want to learn wizarding languages.

Eric: There needs to be Duolingo for Mermish, Duolingo for gobbledygook… we’ve got to make it happen.

Micah: One thing that just came to mind: Given that the all powerful Mad-Eye Moody can see through Deathly Hallows, can he see to the bottom of the lake?

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Eric: Oh, he could give…

Micah: And is Dumbledore just leaning on his shoulder saying, “Alastor. How are we doing?”

ChloƩ: How powerful is that eye?

Eric: It’s too powerful, in answer to your question, ChloĆ©, but it’s…

ChloĆ©: That’s true, but seeing to the bottom of the Black Lake; I imagine there’s some limit to its magic.

Eric: We’re going to continue this discussion about the second task in just a moment, but first, let’s swim on over to our other sponsor for this week.

[Ad break]

Eric: Our ads on this show are like buoys; we swim to them in safety, and they keep us afloat.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: They don’t have any of those in the Black Lake. [laughs]

ChloƩ: Low-key, I wish the Black Lake had a pier.

Eric: Oooh.

ChloĆ©: Can you imagine sitting on the pier and talking to the giant squid, saying, “What’s up?”

Micah: It does in Hogwarts Legacy.

ChloƩ: Does it really? See, I need to play this freaking game. Geez.

Eric: You do.

ChloĆ©: I don’t know. I’ll find a man to use and play it.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Okay!

Laura: Gonna use a man for his PS5.

ChloĆ©: No, I can… we can talk about it later. [laughs]

Micah: You had mentioned earlier, Eric, about the entrustment of what Dumbledore was saying, right? That basically Karkaroff and Maxime need to believe what it is that he’s hearing from the merpeople.

Eric: To judge.

Micah: I’m also wondering, from a trust standpoint, did we assume that Dumbledore and the other headmasters entrusted the safety of the contestants to the merpeople? Otherwise, to me, this is beyond security/safety nightmare territory, because not only are we talking about the contestants; we’re talking about four other people who are down there, presumably with their consent…

Eric: Dubious.

Micah: … that are basically unconscious.

ChloƩ: Oof.

Eric: Yeah. Let’s… okay. I’m glad you brought up this issue of safety surrounding the so-called hostages; we’ll talk about that in a moment. I first just want to mention, because we are going through the chapter, who each of the hostages is that they’ve chosen for this champion. So we have a situation where Ron Weasley is Harry’s – or his Wheezy – is his hostage. Hermione has been chosen for Krum, and Cho Chang has been chosen for Cedric Diggory, so with Cho and with Hermione, you have the champions’ Yule Ball partners, which kind of makes sense in a way. There’s at least a narrative to it.

ChloƩ: Mmm, does it? [laughs]

Eric: Well, we’ll get into that.

ChloĆ©: There’s a narrative.

Micah: Well, I would say three of four Yule Ball partners, because Harry and Ron kind of went together.

[ChloƩ and Micah laugh]

ChloƩ: Real. Real, Micah.

Laura: Yeah, true.

ChloĆ©: They didn’t talk to anyone else.

Eric: That’s a good point. Harry ended up going to the ball with Ron more than he went with Parvati or Padma. Okay, that’s a fair point. But for Fleur Delacour…

ChloƩ: He went with Parvati.

Eric: For Fleur, we do not have Roger Davies as a hostage, who was her Yule Ball champion. We have her 8-year-old sister Gabrielle, who I don’t even know what she’s doing here. What is she…?

[ChloƩ laughs]

Micah: What do you mean, what is she doing here?

Eric: Who brings an 8-year-old, subdues them, puts them at the bottom of the lake, and makes their older sister go and get them?

Micah: Dumbledore.

[ChloƩ and Laura laugh]

ChloĆ©: Dumbledore. Okay, I actually think it is valid that Gabrielle is with Fleur because Gabrielle is her younger sister, and this is probably one of the biggest moments in Fleur’s life; she’s going to want her little sister… her sister is going to want to support her sister, period. I also think that Fleur, it makes so much more sense that she is the most hysterical out of all the champions. That’s her little sister. Fleur has been protecting this girl probably her whole life; Gabrielle probably looks up to her. They’re so attached to one another. I can’t imagine what it feels like for her to think, “Oh my God. I didn’t save her, as her older sister. I couldn’t be there for her.” To me, this is so much more real for Fleur than any of the other champions.

Micah: I agree.

ChloĆ©: The stakes are so much higher; it’s insane.

Eric: I think it’s a little extreme. I think it’s too far. I think that there’s no… we talked about the security or whether it’s right for Harry to have to compete because he’s three years younger than the 17-year-olds who are of age and therefore can consent. Now we have Ron and Hermione, who are also 14, who are a part of this Triwizard Tournament whether they put their name in the Goblet or not, and they didn’t. But then now you have Gabrielle who’s 8 years old. She’s French; they had to import her specially for this task. Seriously, Fleur doesn’t care about anybody else that’s with her?

ChloĆ©: Well, I think she probably… I actually think Gabrielle is probably already there.

Eric: She is in the movie.

ChloĆ©: Like I said, I think she’s probably there to… well, yeah, she is in the movies. And she’s definitely not 8 in the movies; they aged her up. But I do think that she’s probably…

Eric: That’s because it would be insane for an actual 8-year-old to be somebody’s hostage! I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Go ahead.

ChloĆ©: I agree that it’d be weird. It’s crazy that she’s the hostage. I think she might have already been there, though, to support her sister through this, because she’s a part of Beauxbatons; she’s part of the school. It wouldn’t have been crazy for her to come along for her sister.

Micah: I agree, and I’m going to assume that there were permissions given here by her parents by Madame Maxime for this to take place.

Eric: Let’s hope she wasn’t abducted in the middle of the night.

ChloĆ©: Definitely translation happening. No, no, no; I’m sure Madame Maxime explained what was happening.

Micah: And I agree, Eric; I’m not trying to take away from the extreme point of it, but I think ChloĆ© really got it right when Fleur is the one who suffers the most here, who has the strongest connection to the person that’s been taken. That goes exactly to what – and I’m not going to sing like Geoff did last week – the song says, “We’ve taken what you’re sorely miss.” There’s nothing that showcases that better than Gabby being a… I call her Gabby, I guess.

[Everyone laughs]

ChloƩ: Hey, Gabby.

Eric: Gabby to her friends. Micah is a personal friend.

Micah: Yeah, but you know what I mean. I mean, Roger Davies… Fleur is not going to miss Roger. I mean, come on.

Laura: No, of course.

ChloĆ©: She didn’t care about him at all. Not even a little.

Eric: Where is this Roger Davies hate coming from? Perfectly fine bloke.

ChloĆ©: No, okay, but do you remember…? No, he’s fabulous. Nothing against Roger Davies. He’s a prefect; I’m sure he’s great. The issue is that Fleur didn’t care that he was her date. She talked over him the whole time and she really wanted to be there with Cedric; let’s be honest.

Micah: Remember, “We’ve taken what you’ll sorely miss.” Roger does not fit that category. I’m sorry.

[ChloƩ laughs]

Eric: Okay, okay.

Micah: And… can I say, though…

Eric: But Micah, I see that you have a hot take.

Micah: I do, because I actually don’t think Hermione is meaningful enough to Krum for her to be what he has to rescue.

ChloƩ: Yes, Micah!

Micah: And you could probably make the same argument for Cho with Cedric. I’m not going to go there; I don’t know how intense their relationship is.

ChloĆ©: It’s a little more valid.

Micah: But I think if you’re ranking them in order, I would put Krum/Hermione at the bottom; then I would go Cho/Cedric; then Harry/Ron; then Fleur and Gabrielle. I mean, Krum’s broom is probably more meaningful to him than Hermione.

ChloƩ: Yo. Real.

Laura: I don’t know. To a certain extent, I feel like this was related to availability of someone to be a hostage. Cedric is an only child, right?

Eric: Wait a minute, but they just got Gabrielle from France. What do you mean, availability?

ChloĆ©: I’m telling you, Gabrielle was already there, Eric.

Laura: She was already there.

Eric: That is not book canon, though. It’s just not.

ChloĆ©: I know; it’s not book canon…

Eric: They imported her specially. They flew her first class so that she could be a hostage.

Micah: She’s like the fourth dragon. She came with the fourth dragon.

ChloĆ©: Okay, but low-key that’s not book canon either.

Eric: Okay, all right.

ChloĆ©: We don’t know if she was there. We don’t know if she was imported.

Eric: I’m just saying, if they went to France, they can’t go to Bulgaria? There is none of Viktor’s family members that he would go…? I’m trying to support Micah here.

Micah: And they have magic, too.

Eric: He only just met Hermione at the beginning of this school year at the earliest.

ChloĆ©: I’m not trying to start any fights, but I low-key think this is more confirmation that Gabrielle is already there, because you’re right; if she wasn’t, it makes no sense for them to import her and not someone else for the other champions that definitely have someone closer to them. Like Cedric, for example, his dad; we know that they’re super close. What about Krum’s family? I don’t know. We don’t know anything about Krum.

Laura: And see, here’s what I feel about Krum: I feel like Krum, he’s an outsider who’s kind of foisted into the spotlight because he is a sports star, so he doesn’t like all the attention. We also hear him tell Hermione that he likes Hogwarts better than Durmstrang.

ChloƩ: True.

Laura: He’s a lot more ideologically aligned with the world that he finds himself in at Hogwarts and with Hermione, and I think it’s possible that he doesn’t really have anyone else he’s super close with. And yeah, he hasn’t known Hermione that long, but he may have a better connection with her than he’s had with anyone else.

ChloĆ©: Laura’s got a little soft spot for Krum.

Laura: I do!

[ChloƩ laughs]

Eric: That was incredibly touching. Laura, that’s incredibly touching, and to support what you said, in the next chapter Hermione reveals that Viktor has invited her… well, Rita Skeeter reveals that he’s invited her to Bulgaria, but Hermione tells Ron and Harry that he says that he feels strongly about Hermione in a way that he hasn’t about other girls.

ChloƩ: Okay, can I just say that feels like a little love bomb-y? Just a little.

Eric: Well…

ChloĆ©: How? They haven’t known each other for that long. Hermione is 14; Krum is 18.

Eric: So this is what Micah is saying; why is she his hostage?

ChloĆ©: Well, that’s… you’re telling me that Krum, after spending seven years at a school, has no closer relation than a girl that he just met a few months ago? That makes me really sad for Krum, if I’m so honest.

Eric: I don’t need to be telling you that, because the people who run the Triwizard Tournament have said it for us. Hermione is…

ChloĆ©: Yeah, it’s just…

Micah: Well, that’s a great question, though, Eric. Who made these decisions? Who did the research to determine…?

ChloƩ: Because no one talked to Harry.

Eric: Yeah, no one asked him who would he like to sacrifice.

Micah: Right, exactly.

Eric: My question is why do they need a hostage at all? Because if you think about it, think about the first task where they have to retrieve the golden egg. They have no emotional attachment to the golden egg. There’s no reason. They also don’t need an emotional attachment. Nobody fails the first task because, “Oh, it’s not my thing that I most love.” So why is there a living human person, who also is bewitched in a way we don’t understand, left to drown or exist at the bottom of the lake? That’s so extra.

ChloĆ©: Well, I mean, this competition… [laughs]

Laura: Yeah, I mean, it’s to make them operate within the time limit. It’s to give it stakes.

ChloƩ and Eric: Yeah.

ChloĆ©: I mean, this competition do be extra. If I could give it one word, it’d be extra.

Eric: I’m just saying, these champions want to win. They don’t need that little extra incentive that… it could have been another golden egg at the bottom and they still would have to retrieve it; they still would have to learn to breathe underwater and swim to get it.

ChloƩ: It is traumatizing.

Eric: All I wish to say is that including these humans as hostages brings up a lot more questions, I think, that are sticky and that don’t have easy answers and are never answered in the book than it would otherwise. But it’s fun!

ChloĆ©: It also makes the task more traumatizing. I think all these tasks are supposed to be a little low-key traumatizing, but adding the aspect of someone you care about and potentially not knowing if they’re going to be safe or not, and that has to do with you… like, Harry is actually probably one of the only people that has already been in that situation.

Eric: All right, so moving on, we’re getting to Micah’s question: Are they actually in danger? Are the hostages actually in danger here? I’ve tried to find some book evidence that states either way; all I can find that says that they’re not in real danger is that after coming to, Ron asks Harry why Gabrielle was with them, and Harry tells Ron, “Oh, it said that they were going to take her,” and Ron laughs, saying, “Harry, you prat, you didn’t take that song thing seriously, did you? Dumbledore wouldn’t have let any of us drown! It was only to make sure you got back inside the time limit!” That’s the only evidence. He didn’t say, “Dumbledore says you won’t get hurt.” He didn’t say, “McGonagall made sure we didn’t get hurt.” Afterwards, Pomfrey is circling everyone that’s been underwater like a vulture because they were in real danger. It’s bad if the only person that says you were safe the whole time is Ron, and he’s joking. He’s always wrong.

[ChloƩ laughs]

Eric: That’s not very convincing for me.

Micah: He’s not always wrong.

Eric: He’s mostly wrong.

Micah: He’s only right when he jokes about things. But I think that’s why the merpeople were there; they were there to ensure that none of these individuals came to harm at all. They run the lake, right? They’re in charge, plus the giant squid sometimes.

ChloƩ: I was about to say, do they run the lake? Or does the giant squid run the lake?

Eric: [to the tune of BeyoncĆ©’s “Run the World”] Who run the lake? Squids.

[ChloƩ laughs]

Laura: And it makes sense because Harry is the last to surface, and as he’s surfacing, the merpeople are all swimming up with him. So especially when we see how things end up with the task, it’s very clear that they were kind of escorting the final champion to the surface.

Eric: Like it was all an act?

Laura: Yeah, I think so.

ChloĆ©: Yeah, I was about to say, they also change their attitude completely. They’re scary in the lake; Harry is like, “Whoa, these merpeople are attacking me.” But then they come out and they’re smiling, and the chieftainess talks to Dumbledore like it’s all good.

Eric: She has to because nobody could see anything in the lake, so they were all going to escort the winners anyway because they have to tell them what just happened because nobody can see.

ChloĆ©: They don’t have to be cheery, though.

Eric: Yeah, it’s the unknown, I think, of another creature. Harry can only guess at how the merpeople truly think. But Harry tries to grab one of the merperson’s tridents so that he can cut the rope, and it tugs back and is like, “No, no, no,” and it’s laughing and smiling but in a mocking way. I’m just saying, that’s pretty intense. If the merpeople are acting, they’re doing a good act. And not only this, there’s more to their song, by the way. It’s bad enough that the original clue says, “Past an hour, the prospect’s black. Too late, it’s gone, it won’t come back,” when in the lake half an hour into the challenge, they say, “Your time’s half gone, so tarry not, lest what you seek stays here to rot.” They’re so extra. Your friends – who you know at this point are your friends – are going to rot down here if you don’t come get them.

ChloĆ©: Do you think that it’s the merpeople, though, dictating what they’re saying? Dictating the clues? Isn’t that the judges and the Ministry of Magic?

Eric: Eh, I think they’re probably helping. Yeah, it was probably scripted by somebody else for sure.

ChloĆ©: Yeah, I was about to say, I think that you’re right; the mocking is pretty icky. And I wonder if there is some animosity between merpeople and wizarding kind, especially since they’re scared of wands, which we see in the chapter. But I do think it’s interesting that their attitude changes after the task is done; that seems really weird to me. I do wonder if they had clear instructions and then some of them that do have biases towards wizarding kind took it further than they should’ve.

Eric: That’s a great question. We just don’t have enough info to the contrary. Harry, while swimming, sees this stone with depicted on it where the mermaids are a warrior race that fight off the giant squid; he sees them as warriors. One of them keeps an awful grindylow as a pet in its front yard, little front garden. So these are people not to be trifled with.

ChloƩ: I kind of love that they have pet grindylows.

[ChloƩ and Micah laugh]

Eric: Yeah, okay, it’s really cool. I’m just saying… this is all in a pre-defense of Harry, because Harry feels like a fool. Harry feels like he done been played. He feels so foolish for ever thinking that the kids were in danger, but there’s not evidence. If literally only evidence is Ron going, “Ah, Dumbledore would never let it…” I’m sorry, that’s not good enough. Did at any point Dumbledore promise? Did at any point somebody tell anybody that these people wouldn’t be harmed? I don’t know. It seems strange to me.

Micah: When you brought up, though, this whole confrontation between Harry and the merpeople, and the history aspect of it, it reminded me a lot of when Harry first entered the forest and he encountered the centaurs, and really he got similar treatment from them, much like he sees here in this chapter, right? It’s really only Firenze that is kind to him. And I think it’s a demonstration of the fact, “Look, you’re on our territory now. This is our land. This is where we live. You don’t just get to come in here and take my trident away to use it for your own purposes.” And yeah, they’re fearful of wands; somebody mentioned that earlier. But I think it’s the fact that you’re in their world, and you need to obey their rules if you want to get out of this particular situation.

Eric: Right.

ChloƩ: Well, guarantee the merpeople were there before Hogwarts.

Laura: For sure.

ChloĆ©: It’s a classic case of humans, or in this case, wizarding kind, encroaching on a habitat that wasn’t theirs in the first place – same with the centaurs – so of course they’re going to have feelings.

Eric: The merpeople have reason to be cross with wizards, but why are the wizards putting their task in their lake? That’s the other thing, is like, if it can go either way…

ChloƩ: Well, Dumbledore probably has good relations.

Eric: Well, Dumbledore has the in, but I’m saying… look, here’s the thing: If they are cross with wizards, and have good reason to be, at what point was it ever this idea to let them have a task in…? The centaurs is a perfect example. The centaurs were perfectly willing to let Harry die. If somebody had died during the second task, it would have been maybe an international incident, but what’s wizarding kind going to do? They’re going to arrest a merperson? They can’t; the merpeople have rights.

ChloĆ©: There is this sense of…

Laura: Uh, that never stopped anyone from trying to hurt a disadvantaged group of people, a disenfranchised group of people.

ChloƩ: Oooh, talk your ish, Laura. Talk your ish, Laura.

Eric: The other thing that speaks to me about how the hostages may have been really in danger – and then we’re going to read poll results, because we asked our patrons, and both on Patreon and in the Discord I see there’s another poll going. Is that you, Laura? Thanks for doing that.

Laura: Yep, get that live feedback.

Eric: But the way in which the hostages are frozen shows bubbles coming from their mouth. There’s a very obvious way of seeing that they’re breathing out, but we don’t see them breathing in. It’s not like they were all given Gillyweed, that they have gills the same way Harry does. Harry would recognize and be like, “Oh, they’re fine.” It’s a creepy sight. The merpeople are creepy, the lake is creepy, everything in the lake is creepy, and your friends are breathing out but not breathing in.

ChloĆ©: In regards to dangerous or not dangerous, I think a big part of the glamour and the glitz of this competition and why you achieve eternal glory at the end is because it’s so dangerous. If it wasn’t dangerous, it wouldn’t be interesting to people, and that’s why people watch football. That’s why people watch wrestling. That’s why… sorry, Micah. [laughs] But that’s why people are interested in those sort of things, jousting, when there was… what happened in Greece? What is that called, when people used to fight lions and tigers?

Eric: Gladiator arena?

Laura: Gladiator arena, yeah.

ChloĆ©: Gladiators! We have done this throughout history. It’s just another example of putting ourselves in danger for entertainment.

Eric: But nobody’s watching this, because nobody can see it. [laughs]

ChloĆ©: Right, but then when we get it through the merpeople and it’s reported in the Daily Prophet.

Eric: But in the idea, yeah. No, it’s a great point. It’s honestly a very great point. So yeah, what are our final thoughts? Are they in danger or not? Our final thoughts before we read the poll results.

Laura: So I feel like Dumbledore has to have… he either has a good relationship with the merpeople, or he has some kind of leverage to ensure the hostages’ safety from them. I think what he couldn’t control in terms of safety would be the obstacles that the champions would come across on their way to and from the merpeople. So the champions also can’t use their wands to send up sparks if they’re in trouble like they can when they’re in the maze in the next task, so I’m wondering what would have happened if, say, Fleur or Harry hadn’t been able to escape the grindylows when they got caught by them? So I feel like those are the bigger risks in this task than the merpeople.

Micah: I agree, Laura, I think all of the risk lies with the champions. I don’t think any risk lay with those that they were trying to rescue; I think the merpeople would have taken them up to the surface. They knew how long those charms that were placed on them were going to last and it probably extended a little bit beyond the hour time limit, and then if needed, they were going to escort anybody leftover up to the surface. So in terms of danger, yeah, I think Harry, Krum, Cedric, Fleur were all in real danger, but I don’t think the other four were. I do think, though – and this can come up again a little bit later – that once Fleur was attacked and out, Gabrielle should have been released to the surface.

Eric: To totally have prevented the misunderstanding that Harry has.

ChloĆ©: Well, and can you imagine how Fleur was feeling the entire time that she was above the lake waiting? She was so, so, so grateful when Harry and Ron brought Gabrielle back. She didn’t know that Gabrielle was going to be fine. Same with Harry; they’d had no idea because of the clue, which you made that point earlier, Eric. So Fleur was probably so terrified and so anxious. I can’t even imagine what was going through her head until Gabrielle resurfaced. That is awful.

Eric: Absolutely! It’s the worst 30 minutes of her life, or whatever it would be.

ChloƩ: Right, so why traumatize her even more?

Eric: No, yeah, because the Triwizard Tournament can make you compete with your body in sport; they don’t have a right to emotionally traumatize you.

ChloĆ©: Also, why did no one go over and tell her that Gabrielle would be fine? Because she was out of the lake, but clearly, she was still so anxious and stressing until the very end. There’s all the judges there. Dumbledore is there. They’re doing nothing; they’re sitting around waiting. Why didn’t anyone tell her?

Eric: That’s why this is such a big part of this discussion for this chapter, is because I’m convinced that there should have been at least somebody in charge who said, “Actually, Harry, we made it so they weren’t really in danger,” and then Harry can feel embarrassed, but he can at least feel comfort knowing that it’s going to be okay. So we polled our listeners, and with over 175 votes on our Patreon, 89% of patrons say that the hostages were never in any danger in any way, and only 11% are with me saying yes, they were in danger. Here are some comments that they left: “They’re as safe as they are at Hogwarts normally,” okay, “debatably more.”

[Everyone laughs]

ChloƩ: Yo.

Eric: Not the defense I thought it would be. Sean B. says, “I think they are safer than any other student in the security nightmare that is Hogwarts in that moment. They’re guarded by merpeople the whole time,” which makes them safer. Okay.

Laura: Fair.

Eric: Rachel has a point kind of like Micah’s: “I think they were completely safe when they were with the merpeople, but all bets are off once the champion takes them. Krum nearly bit Hermione’s head off, they could have been grabbed by grindylows, the champion could have dropped them or gotten lost, etc. So yes and no, I’d say. I’d also love to know what kind of explanation Dumbledore gave them beforehand.”

ChloƩ and Eric: Yeah.

Eric: Two more comments here, one from Ashley: “Dumbledore is cool with the merpeople, as seen at his funeral. I imagine while explaining the scenario to them in mermish, he was like, ‘Keep the hostages safe, but put on a show; give the contestants a good scare, wink wink.'” Okay.

Laura: Yeah, that tracks.

Eric: Yeah. And then Jared C.: “I know we’re told entering the tournament is a magical binding contract with severe penalties for not going through, but I can’t imagine the tournament would sanction the killing of random wizards as part of a task. I think it was just to heighten the drama, both for us as readers and for spectators.” Yeah, but can Gabrielle, who’s only 8, consent to any of that?

ChloĆ©: I also think it’s so interesting how we talk about “the Goblet” and “the tournament.” Who is making those decisions? Does the Goblet have a brain like the Sorting Hat? When you really start to think about it, it’s like, who is deciding the consequences of breaking this binding magical contract? Those are the answers that I want to know because it’s relevant when you have an underage wizard. Dumbledore and McGonagall and all the Ministry people debate whether or not Harry should continue, and they come to the decision because it’s a binding magical contract. With who? Why can’t we break it? What is this entity that is all powerful, dictating the fact that these kids should continue to be put in danger like this?

Eric: I’ll tell you what, so we might have swayed people during our discussion, because there was a poll in Discord that was given, and it was four people say they were actually in danger, and seven say they weren’t. So we’ve gone from 89% to 57% sure that they weren’t in danger, so I’ll take those odds.

Laura: It’s a much smaller sample size, but I’m going to let you have it.

[ChloƩ and Laura laugh]

Eric: Thank you!

Micah: I mean, generally speaking, Eric, they were in danger, because they’re at the bottom of a frickin’ lake in the middle of winter.

[ChloƩ laughs]

Eric: There’s variables. You can’t possibly predict… yeah.

ChloĆ©: I don’t think they were in direct danger during the task. That being said, that doesn’t mean they’re not traumatized by this whole experience and in danger later on because of it.

Eric: That’s well said; point taken. Let’s talk about the results. So both Fleur and Cedric used the Bubble-Head Charm to survive underwater; Fleur, however, did not rescue her hostage. She was attacked by grindylows and failed to finish, so out of a possible 50 points, she is given 25. We talked about this: Is this character assassination that the only girl in this tournament did so poorly at this task? Is it offensive? Does it offend you?

Laura: Personally, no. I think what this tells me is that the odds weren’t even. I mean, the stakes were a lot higher for the person who was rescuing their younger sibling than they were for anyone else, and I’m not saying that Ron is not super important to Harry, but it’s a different vibe when it’s your younger sibling whose life presumably is in your hands.

Eric: Wouldn’t that give you adrenaline? Wouldn’t that give you superpowers? We hear about people with the maternal instinct lifting buses.

Laura: Maybe.

ChloĆ©: But people respond to that sort of stuff in very different ways. It probably made her freeze and made her more anxious, and she wasn’t able to perform as well as she maybe typically would have because of the much, much higher stakes. Some people thrive on that; some people don’t.

Eric: I’m saying we already have reason to dislike Fleur; she won’t stop talking about how awful Hogwarts is. And so the fact that she does so poorly in this – doesn’t even get to her champion – obviously, it serves Harry’s rescue mission whole plot, but I’m saying it doesn’t look good. That’s why I do think this is character assassination. I always kind of read… I remember being younger and thinking that the reason that Fleur didn’t escape the grindylows is because grindylows are so ugly and offensive that it offends her delicate girl sensibilities. Literally, that’s what I’m reading. And I’m trying to ask if all of that is just me taking that in, or if the author, who is not the world’s greatest supporter of women, in practice, is really writing this character to be a failure at some of these things.

Micah: I’ll add my two cents, for what it’s worth, and then I’ll let ChloĆ© and Laura jump in here. What this reminded me of very much was the first task, right? Where she does achieve the end goal, but there’s commentary about her cloak or her dress getting slightly burned, so they took away points for that. Which, like, who cares about that at the end of the day, really? And there’s also historical context here as well, right? We’ve talked a little bit about it.

ChloĆ©: Let’s go. Let’s go, Micah. [laughs]

Micah: The English don’t like the French, and that’s part of what’s coming through here. I don’t think there’s… that’s part of this character assassination a little bit.

Laura: Well, and being harsher on the one female contestant, too. You have to ask yourself, if one of the boys had performed in the same way that Fleur did, would he also have gotten 25 points?

Micah: That’s a really good point.

Eric: And we’re unsure of the scoring model. It seems like if you’ve successfully done a charm that lets you breathe underwater, you get at least 25 points, because that’s pretty much all Fleur has done. And they give more points to Viktor; all the champions did at least that.

Micah: And to bring up the movie again, I think the movie did a better job because isn’t there a moment where – and I don’t think this is in the book – where Mad-Eye Moody says, “Fleur Delacour is no more a fairy princess than I am”?

ChloĆ©: Yep, that’s the movies, but he does say something in her defense along those lines. I don’t remember the exact line in the books. Fleur is not a fairy princess, and we know this after finishing the entire series. She is strong, she is fierce, she is not delicate in any sense of the word. She might look like it, and to other people that means that if someone is more attractive and looks a certain way, they make assumptions, right? But we know that she’s incredibly intelligent, that she’s the strongest person at Beauxbatons, because she gets in this competition, boys and girls. I don’t think it’s a character assassination because of the context that we have, especially later in the books, but I also don’t think it’s a character assassination because I think actually, I empathize with Fleur in this chapter more than I empathize with her in the rest of this book. I’m not sitting here and saying that she isn’t vain or vapid or pretentious, because she has plenty of those moments, but she is terrified in this moment because it is her younger sister. And after the task, I think it’s Dumbledore that says she gets 25 points, and she says that she deserves none. She says, “I deserve none. I have failed to retrieve my sister.” She’s so terrified, and she’s hard on herself because she wasn’t able to do it, and to me, that speaks a lot to her character and who she is. She doesn’t think she deserves the 25 points, even though she did a very successful Bubble-Head Charm. She did just like Cedric, and we know that that’s hard. I also think that Fleur is so incredibly grateful to Ron and Harry, who she knows a little bit already, and she hasn’t treated them especially kindly in the past, but she’s so grateful in that moment, and there’s no snide commentary. She’s just like, “Thank you so much, because that’s my sister and she means the world to me.” So in my opinion, this chapter shows Fleur in a very positive light in terms of her character. It does make me sad that as the only female contestant/champion, that she didn’t do as well as the men. I think there’s a lot to unpack there, and we have done it a little bit in our girls takeover episodes. She is just as capable as the men; that’s why she is there. Laura, I love your point in the doc, if you want to bring it up, because to me… yeah, if you want to bring it up?

Laura: Yeah, no, I can bring this up quickly. I just also interpreted here that maybe Fleur’s performance is meant to be a commentary on theoretical versus applied knowledge. So it’s clear that she’s incredibly intelligent, but based on her performance in the tasks thus far, it makes me think maybe she doesn’t have a ton of practical experience for those book smarts to really serve her at this point.

Micah: Sounds familiar.

[ChloƩ laughs]

Laura: Yeah, and it’s funny because Hermione is so freakin’ hard on her. [laughs]

ChloĆ©: For real; the women on women bashing in this book makes me sad. But I do think that that’s why Harry is so good at this competition, despite being so much younger than any of the other champions. He’s got practical application for days. This man…

Eric: Out the wazoo.

ChloĆ©: Yeah, out the wazoo. And honestly, if we’re being so real, so does Krum. He’s experiencing that adrenaline playing Quidditch on a professional scale all the time; he knows what pressure is like. This is likely the first time Fleur has ever been in any sort of situation like this. Cedric plays Quidditch for Hogwarts. We don’t really know what type of experiences Fleur has been a part of. My inkling is that Beauxbatons is way more like studies, learn the theoretical, so for the first time ever, she’s probably doing this and actually having to do it, not in a controlled setting. So I don’t know; I obviously have a lot of feelings about Fleur, and I’m biased in a lot of ways, but I think that this chapter is not a character assassination, but rather a platform to build her into what she becomes later on, which is a war hero, a Weasley, and an incredibly strong and powerful woman in this series.

Eric: Well, I am glad that we asked your opinion.

Laura: Love that.

[ChloƩ laughs]

Eric: You came on to share it. No, it’s good. It definitely gives me a more positive thing to think about her role in this chapter than what I ordinarily would have intuited, so very appreciative.

Micah: In terms of the actual competition itself, though, one thing I… we did talk about this or try to get an idea about this on an earlier episode, and I think this validates that there’s some kind of grading system for the different tasks, because Fleur does get points despite failing the task, right? ChloĆ© brought up she said, “No, I should get zero because I didn’t achieve what was meant to be achieved in this task,” but clearly she got points for the charm that she used, so there are varying levels of grading going on here.

Eric: You’d never know, but yeah, until you do.

Laura: For sure.

Eric: Yeah, yeah. I’m glad you brought up points; let’s talk about everyone else’s. So Cedric and Fleur, it’s mentioned both did a Bubble-Head Charm. Cedric returned first, but he was one minute outside the hour time limit. He does get 47 out of a possible 50 points; that’s pretty darn good. Viktor used partial transfiguration; he didn’t use a special thing other than try and turn into a shark, and so he did at least half of it. It succeeded in getting him to his champion, who he nearly bit in half. He did bring her back second, and ViKtor is awarded 40 points. I love how Harry at the bottom of the lake is like, “No, no, use this rock. Seriously, use this rock.”

ChloĆ©: [laughs] For real. I’m sorry; it’s so funny. Every time I think about it I laugh so hard, because first of all, the image of a shark head on a man, hilarious. Krum was like, “Ah, yes, I be shark.” I just… it’s so funny to me.

Eric: And didn’t think it through, like he’d need to cut ropes.

ChloĆ©: And can you imagine…? This is super morbid and dark humor, but imagine if in the Daily Prophet the next day, it’s like, “Unfortunate turn of events, but one of the hostages has died because of a shark bite,” or “was injured via shark bite.” [laughs]

Eric: Yeah, Dumbledore wouldn’t even know what happened until 30 minutes later. Are the mermaids going to then do something about it? It just doesn’t… they were in so much danger, y’all. So Viktor gets 40 points; Cedric has 47; Fleur has 25. Harry… okay, he returns last, but he does have the remaining two hostages. Bagman straight up says to everyone that three of the four judges would have given Harry full marks, so all 50 points, and Harry knows that Karkaroff ruined this for him. So instead…

ChloĆ©: That’s crazy, bro.

Harry: Yeah. Harry gets 45 points. How do we feel about this? Are we happy with this?

ChloĆ©: Doesn’t deserve it.

Eric: He doesn’t deserve 45?

ChloƩ: Nah.

Micah: Absolutely not.

Laura: No.

Micah: He didn’t follow the rules of the challenge.

ChloĆ©: Wow, that’s the Hufflepuff versus Slytherins and Ravenclaw mindset right now for sure.

Laura: Yup.

Micah: And as a result, he came back late. And I don’t think there’s a good Samaritan category as part of this competition.

Eric: Wow.

[Laura laughs]

ChloƩ: Yup. So real. No, he deserves less than Krum.

Micah: You want to give him 25 points like Fleur for the Gillyweed? Do it. But he didn’t come back on time. There’s no extra points for rescuing other hostages. It was clear when he was down there that Ron was his to take; if he would’ve taken Ron and left, he would’ve probably gotten 50 points because he would’ve been back in plenty of time. Harry’s saving people thing… I’m sorry. Moral fiber? Enough.

ChloĆ©: Those are Harry Potter points. He got those points because he’s Harry Freaking Potter.

Laura: Yep.

Eric: Oh my goodness. But he had no reason to believe that they weren’t in actual danger, as I’ve established. Now, 89% of people don’t agree with me on that…

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: … but I think that Harry is not at fault here for just believing it.

ChloĆ©: No, he’s such a precious little boy, but he doesn’t deserve full marks. That’s cuckoo bananas.

Laura: Yeah, I mean, he deserved to have praise heaped upon him for what he did, but he did not deserve to come in second place in this competition.

Eric: Okay.

ChloĆ©: Danielle said, “Save the heroics for the end of the school year, Harry.”

Laura: Yeah, you’re going to need ’em. [laughs]

Eric: If only.

ChloƩ: For real.

Eric: All right, well, thank you all for joining me…

Micah: I’m with Karkaroff.

[ChloƩ and Laura laugh]

ChloƩ: Me too.

Eric: … for that discussion of the bottom of the lake.


Odds & Ends


Eric: Let’s wrap up the chapter with some odds and ends. Okay, so Viktor, immediately after Hermione is reunited or above the water with Viktor, he pulls a water beetle out of Hermione’s hair. We know that that beetle is Rita Skeeter. In fact, there’s big proof of that in the very next chapter.

Laura: So we have to up the Rita Spy Count.

Micah: Aw, too bad no shark bite.

[ChloƩ laughs]

Eric: Yeah, and we have to help the Rita Spy Count. We’ll do that at the top of the doc.

Micah: Oh, yeah.

Eric: And then ChloƩ, you have an absolutely amazing odd and end that I am so grateful to you for.

ChloĆ©: I freaked out for you and for me while I was reading it…

Eric: Ah! I was freaking out!

ChloĆ©: … because there’s a mention of a wizard’s hat, okay? And I have evidence. Okay, so Ron says, “Ron whispered, his eyes alight with interest as he Banished a cushion with a sweep of his wand (it soared into the air and knocked Parvati’s hat off.)”

Laura: [gasps] I love that.

ChloĆ©: Her hat. When Parvati is wearing something different in her hair, JKR denotes it specifically; she wears butterfly clips in another section, and she wears a flower in another section. She is wearing a frickin’ wizard’s hat, which means they all are, or at least most of them. Let’s go.

Eric: Unbelievable.

Laura: Lame.

[ChloƩ laughs]

Eric: There it is! The third ever mention, and second post-Book 1, of wizards’ hats.

ChloĆ©: I just think that JKR probably remembered this book. [laughs] She’s like, “Oh, yeah, they have hats.”

Micah: But not in the movies.

ChloƩ and Eric: Yeah.

Micah: And one final odd and end, it’s always important to call out the numbers, right? And unicorns come of age at seven. Seven making another appearance yet again in the series.

Eric: Man. Why didn’t they put a unicorn at the bottom of the lake? It’s old enough.

ChloƩ: Whoa.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: No. Anyway. I don’t know what I’m saying. I don’t know what I’m even saying at this point.

ChloƩ: No, that was funny. Keep it in.

Micah: One of the merpeople have a pet unicorn; you just didn’t see it.

[Laura laughs]


MVP of the Week


Eric: It’s time for MVP of the Week.

[MVP of the Week music plays]

Eric: I’m going to give my MVP of the Week to the giant squid because if it is at war with the merpeople, it’s doing a pretty good job of staying alive.

Micah: [laughs] I’m going to give it to Dobby the alarm clock…

[Eric laughs]

ChloƩ: Real.

Micah: … because without Dobby, who knows what would have happened? But I will say, Harry made a promise at the end of this chapter to buy Dobby socks next trip to Hogsmeade. He’d better deliver, and I’m talking a whole effing 12-pack. Dobby deserves…

ChloĆ©: You know what Harry should get Dobby? One are those sock subscriptions. Have y’all seen that? They send you a new sock every month…

Laura: Oh, yeah!

Micah: Like from Bombas?

ChloƩ: Yeah! Like, love.

Eric: Harry gets Dobby a sock that screams when it’s dirty. That’s actually what he buys him next chapter.

ChloƩ: Oof.

Laura: All right, I’m going to give mine to Cedric. Even at the height of competition, he’s still helping Harry. When he arrives at the hostages in the Mermish community, he sees Harry there trying to free Gabrielle, and he mouths to him, “Get outta here; Krum is on the way.”

[ChloƩ laughs]

Laura: So even though he’s like, “I’m still in first place; I’m still going” – he doesn’t even stop; I mean, he just he passes straight on through, grabs Cho, and is off – but he’s still like, “Hey, life pro tip, man. Move.”

[ChloƩ and Laura laugh]

ChloĆ©: He does have Hogwarts loyalty for sure. I’m going to give it to the chieftainess of the merpeople; boss ass B, first of all. Love that it’s a female in charge of everyone. She vouches for Harry, we presume, because Harry gets all his moral fiber points, and she speaks to Dumbledore and tells him the whole story. Without her we would simply not know anything about what happened at the bottom of the lake.

Micah: I want to throw in one honorable mention, though, and it’s to Percy, because his reaction when Ron comes out of the water was something I don’t think we’ve ever seen from him, and it shows – and I think he deviates a little bit over the next couple books but comes home in Deathly Hallows – that he cares about his family.

Eric: Yeah, that’s a great call-out.

Laura: For sure.

Eric: He’s rushing and out of breath and just has to see that Ron is okay. But if Percy Weasley thinks that there was something… that Ron was in danger, that means nobody told Percy that they weren’t actually in danger, which means they probably were in… okay.

ChloƩ: Oh my God. [laughs]

Laura: All right, if you have feedback about today’s discussion, you can contact us by emailing or sending a voice memo recorded on your phone to MuggleCast@gmail.com, or by using our phone number, 1-923-MUGGLE; that’s 1-923-688-4453. Although, to be honest, we really prefer the voice memos you can record on your smartphone, so please send those; they have better audio quality. And if you can keep them under a minute, that would be fabulous. And as a reminder, we are off next week for Memorial Day here in the United States. A bonus MuggleCast installment will be released in its stead, then we’ll be back with more Chapter by Chapter for Goblet of Fire, Chapter 27.

Eric: Yay.


Quizzitch


Laura: And now it’s time for Quizzitch. Take it away, Eric.

Eric: Okay, I was asking ChloƩ, do you want to maybe read Quizzitch?

Laura: Oh, okay.

ChloƩ: Sure.

[Quizzitch music plays]

ChloĆ©: Last week’s Quizzitch question: According to Hagrid, at what age do unicorns become pure white? Last week’s answer, also mentioned by Micah, seven years old. Last week’s winners are It’s an owl, it’s a hippogriff, nope, it’s Myrtle swooping down on you in the bathtub…

[Laura and Micah laugh]

ChloĆ©: … Bjorn the silver-horned teenage unicorn; Boogie down like a unicorn, no stopping till the break of dawn – The Weird Sisters, who are still learning how to rhyme words; Dusty Bottoms; Elizabeth K.; Gurl, you’d be stiff if yuda been sittin’ out here all nyte; Jiggly Jane; Ludo Bagman’s crippling gambling addiction (If you have a problem gambling, please seek help)… very nice. Merlin’s saggy left earlobe… naturally. Peter Pettigrew picked a peck of dead Cedric…

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Laura: Oh my God.

ChloĆ©: … Sir King…?

Eric and Micah: King of Kings.

ChloĆ©: Oh, Sir King of Kings. Thank you. [laughs] I thought we were going on Sir Cadogan. The answer is always seven or twelve; Where’s the underwater Care of Magical Creatures lesson… real. You don’t know who manufactures Tootsie Rolls.

Eric: Oh, wow.

ChloƩ: Amazing.

Laura: I don’t.

Eric: That last one is a deep cut. That last one goes way back to 2005 and another thing another life ago.

ChloĆ©: Next week’s question: Who authorized Aurors to use the Unforgivable Curses during the first wizarding war? Oooh. Wow, that one is pretty hard. Good for you, Eric. [laughs]

Eric: And thank you, ChloĆ©, for taking that… yeah, no, I love that every time somebody else does it they’re like, “Oh, this is not easy.” Of course, listeners can submit your answers for Quizzitch on the MuggleCast website, MuggleCast.com/Quizzitch, or go to the main website and click on “Quizzitch” from the main nav.

Laura: Well, this show is brought to you by Muggles like you. We thankfully don’t have corporate overlords who control the show and could cancel us at any moment for the crazy stuff that we say here.

[ChloƩ laughs]

Laura: We are proudly an independent podcast, but that means we need support from listeners like you. So how can you help us out? If you’re an Apple Podcasts user, you can subscribe to MuggleCast Gold, which gets you ad-free, early access to MuggleCast, plus two bonus MuggleCast installments every month. There’s also Patreon.com/MuggleCast; you’ll get all the benefits of MuggleCast Gold, plus livestreams, planning docs, the chance to co-host the show one day, a new physical gift every year, and a video message from one of the four of us. You can also visit our Etsy store where you can buy many cool MuggleCast items, like the Cozy Comfy Combo Pack, which is our beanie and socks combined together at one reduced price, along with signed album art signed by the four of the hosts, our wooden cars from our sweet 16, T-shirts, and so much more. You can visit that shop by going to MuggleMillennial.etsy.com.

Eric: All right, and as a reminder, Micah, myself, and ChloĆ© will be with us…

ChloĆ©: Let’s go, boys.

Eric: … at Portland, Oregon! I am so excited to do another LeakyCon…

[Laura makes celebratory air horn sounds]

[ChloƩ laughs]

Eric: Who’s…? What?

Laura: Sorry.

ChloƩ: Laura was going [makes celebratory air horn sounds]

Eric: Laura, you are the perfect hype girl.

ChloĆ©: It’s going to be lit.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Yes, it is going to be lit. Please visit the LeakyCon website and use code “Muggle” to get a discount if you’re thinking of attending. It’s July 5-7 at Oregon Convention Center, and we’re very psyched, very excited. Stay tuned to our socials for updates, and yeah, we will see… ChloĆ©, will you bring the Fleur hat to Oregon?

ChloĆ©: I’m going to cosplay every single day this year, I’ve decided. I’m doing a different cosplay. Last year I did light; this year we’re going all out, baby.

Eric: Oh, man. Who do you know that did full cosplays at LeakyCon last year?

ChloƩ: Some weird guy, man.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

ChloƩ: He showed up as Elvis Dumbledore? That was cuckoo bananas. [laughs]

Eric: Total cuckoo bananas. I don’t know what I’m doing yet; we’ll figure it out. But we’ll chat.

Laura: Well, if you’re enjoying MuggleCast and think other Muggles would too, you can tell a friend about the show. You can also help us spread the word by leaving a review in your favorite podcast app. Visit MuggleCast.com for transcripts, social media links, our full episode archive, our favorite episodes, and much more. That wraps up this week’s episode of MuggleCast. I’m Laura.

Eric: I’m Eric.

Micah: I’m Micah.

ChloĆ©: And I’m ChloĆ©.

Eric and Laura: Bye.

ChloĆ©: Don’t forget to follow us on socials.

Transcript #658

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #658, Imagine Dumbledore’s Bathroom (GOF Chapter 25, The Egg and The Eye)


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into the Wizarding World fandom. I’m Andrew.

Eric Scull: I’m Eric.

Micah Tannenbaum: I’m Micah.

Laura Tee: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: And crank up the hot water and pour the bubbles, because this week we are soaking…

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: … in Goblet of Fire Chapter 25, “The Egg and the Eye.” We’re taking a bath, we’re visiting Moaning Myrtle, it’s going to be great. And to help us with today’s discussion is one of our listeners and a Slug Club supporter, Geoff! Welcome, Geoff, to MuggleCast.

Geoff Hutton: Thank you! I feel like Sirius Black. I’ve done my waiting! 14 years of it!

[Everyone laughs]

Geoff: And now I’m finally here with you guys. This is so cool.

Andrew: Well, we’re excited to have you.

Eric: Welcome.

Andrew: Let’s get your fandom ID to kick things off.

Geoff: Well, my favorite book is Order of the Phoenix. My favorite movie is Sorcerer’s Stone. For my Hogwarts House, I am a Puff. [imitating the Puffs from Puffs the Play] Hi! My Ilvermorny House, I am a Pukwudgie. My Patronus is a wolf. Did I miss anything?

Andrew: Excellent. Well, I do have one more important question. In light of today’s chapter, what is your favorite bathroom in Hogwarts?

Geoff: [laughs] My favorite bathroom at Hogwarts. Um…

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: You’ve got so many to choose from.

Geoff: Yeah, exactly. There’s this one, and then there’s this other one. But actually, my answer is not really canon, because I’ve always had this theory that Dumbledore’s office has to have the most extravagantly decorated bathroom with a fancy magazine rack next to the toilet…

Andrew: [imitating Dumbledore] “It’s true, it’s true.”

Geoff: … that has just all the most up-to-date knitting pattern magazines for you to peruse.

Andrew: “Yes, yes. It is quite spectacular.”

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, I bet he has a really nice bathroom. I mean, if the prefects get that, imagine what the headmaster gets at Hogwarts.

Geoff: No kidding.

Micah: Do you think…? Dose Dumbledore have a bidet? He’s got to, right?

Eric: Oh, absolutely.

Andrew: Definitely. Is that even a question? That was one of his requirements for working at the school.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: It’s a fancy bidet. It even talks to you.

[Andrew laughs]

Geoff: It’s got ten different jet settings on it.

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Eric: I will say, bidets are awesome. The last thing that it should do – but probably would in the wizarding world – is talk to you. That’s something I don’t want.

Andrew: [laughs] Yeah, I don’t want the bidet commenting on what it’s up to.

Micah: In the shape of a phoenix?

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Wow.

Eric: “Tuck your pants in, scruffy.”

[Geoff laughs]

Laura: I was just thinking of Hogwarts Legacy and all of the really annoying lines that came out of the Floo Network as you’re trying to navigate around the school and imagining those types of lines coming from Dumbledore’s bidet.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Is that too far? A bridge too far? Do we have to edit that out? [laughs]

Andrew: No, I think that’s fine.

Eric: We brought this on ourselves.

Micah: You have the episode title ready to go.

Eric: “Dumbledore’s Bidet: The Egg and the Eye.” [laughs]

Andrew: So Geoff, you have a great personality. It seems like you are a Potter podcaster yourself. Are you a Potter podcaster?

Geoff: I am in fact a Potter podcaster. I’ve been accused of many things, but that’s definitely one of my favorites. Until recently, I was a host for SpeakBeasty; we recently brought that show to its natural conclusion. And I am also a host for Alohomora!, which thankfully is still going very strong.

Andrew: Excellent. Well, it’s a pleasure to have you on the show, and thanks again for your support.

Geoff: No problem. It’s actually kind of funny, with me being a host on Alohomora! and us discussing this chapter today because we did this chapter, like [laughs] ten episodes ago, so I still had…

Andrew: Oh, really?

Geoff: Oh, yeah, I still had plenty of notes on on this chapter just ready to go.

[Andrew laughs]

Geoff: I did revise it because that’s the thing that you do, but I had plenty of thoughts just at the ready. You sent me this chapter; I said, “Let’s go. Let’s talk about some bathrooms.”

Andrew: What better episode of MuggleCast to be on than a bathroom-themed one?

Eric: Is it okay that this unironically is like my favorite chapter, though, in this book?

Andrew: It’s a great chapter!

Laura: It is good.

Geoff: It’s perfectly fine. There’s plenty to pick apart in this chapter, even outside the bathroom.

Eric: Yes. Mostly, I would argue.

Andrew: We will talk about it in a second, but Micah, I think there’s a little bit of news you wanted to touch on quick?

Micah: Yeah, news is so few and far between these days that when we get a little bit of it, I feel like it’s important to mention, especially for our listeners. Harry Potter: The Exhibition, which has been here in New York and is wrapping up at the end of the summer, is now headed to Boston, so they are going to be releasing some more information, some more details about exactly where the exhibition is going to be and what date it’s going to open. But that is its next stop on what is sure to probably be a multi-city journey over the course of the next couple of years. But for those who have been to the one in New York, it’s totally interactive, totally immersive, which is something that couldn’t be said for the prior exhibition which existed. And we got a chance to interview the person who put it all together back on… I’ll look up what episode it was and we can throw it in the show notes. But I highly recommend for if folks are coming to New York, or if they live or you’re going to be in Boston, to definitely check it out.

Andrew: Okay, cool. Thanks for that update. And we wanted to let everybody know that we have a new bonus MuggleCast coming up on our Patreon and through MuggleCast Gold later this week. Recently, the CEO of WB Games made some interesting comments that hint at what the future might hold for Harry Potter gaming, and he said that they maybe don’t want to do another Hogwarts Legacy, but they want to do something that’s more online, maybe MMORPG, so we’ll talk about that and what we would like to see out of a Harry Potter MMORPG in this week’s bonus MuggleCast. Remember, we’re now recording two bonus MuggleCast installments every month, and like I said, they are being released through Patreon and Apple Podcasts.


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Andrew: So without further ado, let’s get to Chapter by Chapter, and this week we’re discussing Chapter 25 of Goblet of Fire, “The Egg and the Eye.” And Geoff is going to start and end this Seven-Word Summary, so here we go.

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

Geoff: Mermaids…

Laura: … sing…

Andrew: … to…

Eric: … a…

Micah: … bathroom…

Laura: … of…

Geoff: … children.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Aww.

Andrew: Okay. All right.

Geoff: I might’ve set myself up a little bit with that one. You guys said I had the first word, I said, “Are you sure?”, and the one who is hoist with their own petard is me.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: You know, Geoff, we have seven words in the Seven-Word Summary, and my favorite two are the ones that you just contributed.

Andrew: It’s true.

Laura: I agree.


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Laura: Despite the maturity of the problems that Harry is coming up against in this book, he’s still salty about Cedric stealing Cho’s heart. But despite this, because of the guilt he feels at the end of the last chapter for lying to Hagrid about working on the egg, he finally does decide to swallow his pride and go to take a nice relaxing bath in the prefects’ bathroom. So this is Cedric’s recommendation, of course, and I think it ends up being a lot more fruitful than Harry thinks it will. But we’re all adults now, right?

Andrew: Uh-oh.

Laura: We’re in our 30s and 40s. Is this bathroom everything we’ve ever wanted?

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Because I read and reread the description of this bathroom, and I went to Marc and I was like, “When we move, this is the bathroom I want.” I want a swimming pool bathtub! [laughs] Geoff.

Andrew: That part’s pretty cool.

Eric: This is the Disneyland of bathrooms.

Geoff: Yeah, you know the nice thing about Disneyland? Other people clean it up and I don’t have to.

[Micah laughs]

Geoff: If I have to clean this bathroom, no way do I want it. I’m a shower person. I don’t want to clean a bathtub this size, no way. Also, is it just me, or is this bathroom just a bath room? Because when they describe this bathroom, there’s no mention of toilets or showers or anything else you’d use it for. It’s just a room in which to bathe, right?

Eric: Maybe it’s in the Roman sense, like a bathhouse, essentially.

Andrew: Yeah, I was thinking of this room more of like a sauna or just a place for prefects to gather and unwind after a hard working day. I don’t think it’s necessarily a place you would go to by yourself.

Laura: So they get together and unwind in a big bath together? [laughs]

Micah: Oooh.

Geoff: See, that’s another thing. This bathroom – oh my gosh – okay, so the irony of a bathroom that is equally accessible to people of different gender identities to be created by this author at this point, it just… it’s an ironic bathroom.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: It’s like a massage. You go for a massage every once in a while, right?

Eric: Like a day spa.

Andrew: A day spa, massage, yes.

Micah: They give elf massages.

Geoff: [laughs] Gosh, because the elves need something else to do for these kids.

Andrew: That’s who cleans this big tub, by the way.

Micah: That’s what I was going to say. I had questions about this when we were talking about the bath and who cleans it. It’s like, this is another place for the elves to have to manage.

Laura: Well, I want to make sure that we’re really setting the scene here. So I mean, this bathroom – the literal bath room – it’s softly lit by a candle-filled chandelier. Everything is made of white marble. We already established the bathtub is the size of a swimming pool, but it has a diving board.

Andrew: Fun!

Laura: So maybe you’re right, Andrew, people are coming in here to chill, go for a swim. [laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, 100%. I mean, we’ve all been through it in the Hogwarts Legacy video game, which, it was excellent that they included it. It’s a big space.

Laura: Yeah, it definitely is. A hundred golden taps with different variations of bubble bath mixed with water, and a large pile of fluffy white towels. All I have to say about this is some of us are going to Podcast Movement in August; we will be staying at the Gaylord Hotel in DC. If the Gaylord DC does not have luxury bathrooms like this, I don’t want it. [laughs]

Andrew: If it doesn’t, we’re going to the spa, where it will have these things.

[Micah laughs]

Eric: I once belonged to a gym that had this and it was amazing, but it was $120 a month; it was insane. I had to quit that.

Geoff: Yeah, you won’t find this at Planet Fitness, no way.

Eric: No, no.

Laura: I mean, I’ll say a MuggleCast spa day actually sounds really fun and like a great bonding experience, so let me know if y’all want to do that.

Andrew: You and I can, Laura, because I seem to recall Micah and Eric going to get massages at a Podcast Movement one year. [laughs]

Laura: Oooh!

Eric: I tried to. I ended up not doing it, actually, so I’m still owed.

Andrew: Oh, okay. All right. All right.

Micah: Yeah, in Orlando. I invited both of you and you didn’t want to come.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: I’m sure that’s the full story.

Andrew: I was like, “What was you, Micah; you’re in Florida and need a spa day at a podcast conference.”

Micah: Well, I was coming off of a working trip for a week, and then I met the both of you, remember?

Andrew: Oh.

Eric: Oh, that’s what it is. He needed it to be restored.

Laura: So Harry fills up this tub and decides, “I’m going to try and open this wailing egg in the most echoey room that I could possibly open it up in to see what happens.”

[Eric laughs]

Laura: And what happens is predictable. Egg goes rolling away; Harry drops it in shock. And who appears but a great connecting the threads moment: Moaning Myrtle is back.

Andrew: Yes.

Laura: She has been presumably watching Harry. Although she says that she covered her eyes, she closed her eyes when he came in, I don’t know if I buy it.

Andrew: I don’t either.

Laura: I don’t buy it.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Laura: But I really like the connection here because I feel like in at least a couple of books at this point, a really major plot point or secret or clue that Harry needs is something he unearths in a bathroom because of Moaning Myrtle, so it’s a nice connection to Chamber of Secrets.

Andrew and Micah: Yeah.

Andrew: And so first thing, Myrtle is blinking at Harry when she’s like, “Oh, no, I wasn’t looking at you, I promise,” and a lot of blinking can be a sign that you’re actually lying, so there’s that. And another reason I love this chapter and the scene is because having Myrtle here is probably at least partly to remind the reader about Polyjuice Potion, because it’s brought up that Harry used it to impersonate Crabbe and Goyle and Draco with Ron and Hermione, so it’s a very clever reminder for the reader as we gear up for the twist coming later in this book.

Micah: And what happens not too long after in this chapter, right? When Harry gets stuck in the staircase and we learn that somebody is stealing from Snape’s stores. And I think what jumped out to me was the fact that this is the second major character now that has made a reappearance since Chamber of Secrets that wasn’t in Prisoner of Azkaban; we had Dobby a little bit earlier on, and now we have Moaning Myrtle. So my question is, we know the book is rushed, right? Is this just repeating old storylines?

[Geoff and Laura laugh]

Eric: But so much has happened since then that I actually find it really impressive to have these characters come back, and it’s like, “Oh, you thought they were just a Book 2 thing? Wait’ll you hear that they’re part of future plots!” I don’t know. I feel like this part of the book, especially with what Harry sees on the map and going into the very next task, there are so many plot points that are firing at every cylinder that there’s actually future mysteries brought in as well to these two chapters. There’s stuff like… Harry leaves the encounter with Moody at the end of this chapter wondering what Moody was talking about about Snape’s so-called “second chance.” These are entire series-long mysteries that are being dropped while these old characters of yore are being brought back. So I actually think, yes, the book is rushed, but the writing is on point in this chapter.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Yeah, I was also thinking about this just as y’all were making those points about why we would bring characters back from Chamber, and when I think about everything that has set Harry up to be able to function in the Triwizard Tournament, I actually think the events of Chamber of Secrets did a lot more to set him up for being successful in the tournament than the events of Prisoner of Azkaban did, just because of the amount of physical exertion that Harry has to endure throughout this, and fighting off a giant dangerous beast. I think there’s maybe a comparison to be made. And not to say that it was at all the intention to make that comparison, but it makes sense to me that you would get these themes back from Chamber of Secrets that you didn’t necessarily see in Book 3.

Eric: Yeah, Book 3 is all about Harry’s family and his past and finding family that he didn’t know he had, but you’re right, Books 2 and 4, he’s kind of more an action hero.

Geoff: Yeah, in Book 2 he’s solving a mystery, and in this particular task, that’s exactly what he’s supposed to be doing. Task one they say, “We’re not telling you what’s coming”; they all find out anyway because cheating is a traditional part of the tournament. And then the third test, they tell them what’s coming, but it doesn’t really help that much. But in this one, this is the task where they just give them a clue and they have to figure out how to solve it. In Chamber of Secrets, that’s what Harry was doing. He was trying to solve a mystery.

Eric: I mean, there are mysteries in all of them. But I will say, too, specifically because we’ve heard before the author say that Books 2 and 6 were originally going to be swapped, a lot of what didn’t make it into Book 2 is in Book 6, stuff with Tom Riddle’s backstory, for instance. 2 and 6 are really Tom Riddle-focused, really heavy, for obvious reasons. But 4 is the middle book of the whole series, and so it makes sense to see all of these plot threads that are series-long weave their way in through Book 4, maybe not get the world’s biggest focus, but then to see them scuttle off until they’re brought back up in Book 6. So I’m very satisfied when I see these types of connections being made.

Laura: Well, since we’re talking about Myrtle, I think we need to analyze her a little bit because there’s some stuff going on here, and we get some revelations further into her character. So we learn why she’s confined, allegedly, to the Hogwarts plumbing; it’s pretty sad. So Olive Hornby – who we have heard her talk about before in Chamber of Secrets; Olive Hornby was her school bully – apparently had to get the equivalent of a restraining order from the Ministry against Myrtle, who had been stalking and harassing her as a ghost to remind her of the day that Olive found Myrtle’s body after the Basilisk killed her. So according to Myrtle, she was decreed to return to her toilet. [laughs] And I’m wondering here if this is literal, or if she’s embellishing on this?

Geoff: I mean, I think that there’s a Beast, Being, and Spirit Division within the Ministry of Magic, that’s for sure. But this whole thing with ghosts just baffles me because first of all, what gives them the right to dictate how ghosts live their afterlife? And also, how are they going to enforce it? Because let’s just say they tell Myrtle, “Okay, you’ve got to go back. You’ve got to live in your toilet,” or even “You’ve got to live in Hogwarts Castle.” What’s going to keep her there? How are they going to do it? Who’s going to enforce that?

Andrew and Laura: Right.

Geoff: Even if they could do it, it’s Hogwarts. Nobody’s going to keep a ghost in a security nightmare. They can’t keep living children in the security nightmare.

[Micah laughs]

Geoff: They’re not going to be able to keep Myrtle there.

Laura: True.

Eric: Maybe keeping them there is in their best interest because that’s what makes Hogwarts a security nightmare.

[Geoff laughs]

Eric: Filch keeps threatening to have Peeves removed, but Dumbledore is too busy loving Peeves’s chaos to ever get it done.

Micah: They needed to put a trace on Myrtle. That’s what it was.

Geoff: How?

Eric: Yeah, I have to think there’s a way to compel ghosts one way or the other without fully taking their free will away. I don’t know. The whole Olive Hornby story is actually pretty awful. We sort of like the idea of being able to get our high school bullies back, or childhood bullies back, but Myrtle has taken it way too far. She talks about haunting Olive Hornby, showing up at her brother’s wedding, even, which is… that’s super cringe and way too much. And evidently, Olive Hornby has since passed as well. Myrtle essentially led her to an early grave, it could be surmised. So I just feel very bad. It’s an unusual experience reading this book this time, because I feel very bad for Olive, who was, let’s just face it, a teenage age as well, and I don’t think we all deserve to be judged by who we were when we were 13 and 14 or younger.

Laura: Yeah, God no. [laughs]

Geoff: Absolutely not. I did think of something – and it’s a connection to Chamber of Secrets, believe it or not – you can Petrify ghosts. So clearly, they can be in some ways damaged or their condition can be altered, and if they know that, then maybe they can subdue a ghost. It would probably take some pretty strong magic, but I really hate to think what kind of threats they’d have to lobby against Myrtle to get her bound to that castle.

Laura: It’s a good point.

Micah: Yeah, and I feel like within Hogwarts itself, though, that somebody like Dumbledore would give Myrtle free reign of the castle, but she seems the type to stick to what’s familiar to her. She doesn’t seem the adventurous type outside Olive Hornby’s brother’s wedding and everywhere that Olive goes, so I think she just went back to where she was comfortable, quite honestly.

Andrew: And she loved that toilet.

Eric: Yeah, the girls’ bathroom on the second floor was a refuge for her in life, and it makes sense that that would be where she would gravitate to. We really don’t see her in many other places with the exception of those in this and the next chapter. We do see her show up at Nick’s deathday party, but Peeves bullies her back to the bathroom. So she tries to be social; she tries to… Myrtle just can’t catch a break. But in this chapter, her trying to catch a glimpse of Harry is played very much for laughs.

Laura: Yeah, well, and we also learn that Harry is not the only person she tries to catch a glimpse of; she apparently entertains herself by spying on people taking baths in this bathroom all the time. So I’m wondering if she’s just popping into all the school bathrooms to get all the hot goss on people. I mean, clearly, there’s not a whole lot else for her to do.

Geoff: Now, not to excuse Myrtle’s behavior…

[Laura laughs]

Geoff: … because I agree, it’s very cringe. But Myrtle died a very vulnerable young lady who I gather did not easily engage with others, and as has been established, this is unfortunately… even though a bathroom is where she perished, it’s also where she hid when she was feeling vulnerable. And whether they are taking a proper bath, or putting on swimsuits and treating this more like a spa day kind of thing, when you are not very clothed and in a giant tub, you are in a very vulnerable position at any age, I would say. So perhaps this is on some level her recognizing that as a vulnerable person, she can try to connect with other people while their guard is down.

Eric: Oh, so she’s unironically seeking connection.

Geoff: Yes, exactly. It does not excuse cringe behavior, but it is a way of trying to understand why she’s doing it.

Andrew: If you’re trying to figure out… yeah, yeah.

Eric: That’s interesting, for sure.

Micah: So is it then unfair to ask if Myrtle was the original Saltburn?

Eric: The original what?

Andrew: You’re referring to the movie?

Micah: Yes.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Geoff: I did not see Saltburn.

Micah: There’s a specific scene. We don’t have to go into details. We’ll leave it there.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: I will say, for this and many other reasons, Hogwarts is a privacy nightmare.

Geoff: How many people listening to the show right now do you think are getting their phones out and googling Saltburn?

Andrew: Yeah, maybe don’t google it.

[Geoff and Micah laugh]

Eric: I’m trying to resist.

Micah: It’s a bit pervy that she’s spying on students in these types of situations, and it’s actually the second instance of a character trait in these last few chapters that we’ve read. We’ve seen it with Mad-Eye Moody/Barty Crouch, Jr. when he looks through Harry’s pants to see his socks at the Yule Ball. And I saw your air quotes there, Eric.

[Geoff laughs]

Eric: I did the air quotes. “Socks.”

Micah: But it’s in so much that it also upsets Parvati, right? So there’s this weird theme running through these last couple of chapters that I don’t remember when I first read Goblet of Fire.

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Eric: When you think you’re alone, you’re not alone. It’s just a very tonally… yeah, I think it’s supposed to kind of give you this sense of your hair standing on the end.

Andrew: Yeah. And I like, Geoff, your deep take on this, but I also think that Myrtle is just trying to pass the time by listening in on people’s conversations in the bathrooms and spying on them. I don’t want to say I support what she’s doing, especially the looking part – hate that – the listening part, though, I think we’ve all been there.

Geoff: Oh, sure.

Andrew: And maybe literally in a bathroom; you’re in one stall and listening to people gossiping in front of the mirrors or something like that. [laughs] That’s the takeaway I was getting from this scene, like Myrtle is just one of those people who’s overhearing what you’re talking about in the bathroom.

Micah: Yeah, and I understand she was 14 at the time when she was killed by the Basilisk, but where my head goes – and this is probably a product of having seen a lot of the films before having read the books – is Shirley Henderson and the fact that she was 35 at the time that she was playing Moaning Myrtle and doing that scene with Daniel Radcliffe, and he was, what, maybe 15/16 at the time? He was a little bit older than the actual age of Harry. But yeah, I mean, that’s what comes to mind, and I’m sure it does for a lot of people too.

Laura: Yeah, I remember how uncomfortable that was, especially with some of the choreography they did in that scene. [laughs]

Eric: You mean, like, the blocking? The way that Harry pulls more bubbles to cover himself?

Andrew: The bubbles, yeah.

Geoff: Yeah, they took an awkward scene in the book and kept it very awkward. And they added that music in the background that kind of sounds like the beginning to that one aria from Carmen; it’s like… [sings] It’s like, this is not mood music! You stop that!

Laura: [laughs] Yeah, not necessary.

Andrew: Well, I guess we’ll have to see how the TV show handles it, because I guess they can start by casting somebody younger for the role of Myrtle. And I mean, Harry doesn’t have to be nude in the tub, either. He could just be wearing a bathing suit, so they could get around it that way too.

Geoff: I should hope so. He does say in the book, “I’m not wearing anything,” which to me kind of destroys the argument of “Oh, the prefects are just chilling out with their buds,” and I’m like, “No. Even at that age, no. Me and my buds are not… no. We would have bathing suits.” But Harry brought nothing but the Invisibility Cloak and the egg because Harry is not a heavy packer.

Andrew: Is the cloak waterproof? He could have just worn that into the tub, actually, and then Myrtle… this problem would not have risen.

Laura: Does the cloak work on ghosts, though?

Geoff: And it makes things invisible, so if he’s wrapping it around all of himself – or even just the certain areas – then they are not visible to anyone. Problem solved.

Eric: The Invisibility Bathing Towel.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Geoff: There you go. That’s a Shark Tank pitch you haven’t seen yet.

Laura: [laughs] Well, we are jumping a little bit ahead in the chapter to do some of this analysis on Myrtle, and we’re going to come back to the egg in a second, but I wanted to also touch on this: Apparently, Myrtle also gets flushed into the lake sometimes, so here’s our confirmation that Hogwarts is dumping its sewage into the lake where the giant squid lives, not to mention all the merpeople and God knows what other members of the ecosystem.

Eric: [laughs] Maybe that’s why they’re so cross. That’s why the merpeople just aren’t very happy.

Andrew: What if the giant squid is the house-elf of the lake and is cleaning the lake? That’s the purpose of the giant squid.

Laura: Aw, that’s so terrible.

Andrew: Well, but wait, there are sea animals that help clean the ocean in their own ways, so maybe that’s the role of the giant squid. That’s why the squid’s been allowed to hang there for so long, and then occasionally waves to people.

Eric: Well, we do have the 1,000-year old solution, too; before modern plumbing, there was the Evanesco charm. I like to think that maybe some of the ducts at Hogwarts have an automatic Evanesco so that nothing substantial is making it out into the lake.

Micah: So all they had to do was follow the poop in the second… anyway.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Yeah, the spiders and the poop.

Micah: But I like this. This is like a Thief’s Downfall but for poop. It’s poop’s downfall.

Eric: That’s what I’m thinking of. Yeah, on the grates leading right out into the ocean, and the only reason it doesn’t work on Myrtle is because she’s a ghost.

Micah: This episode…

[Geoff and Micah laugh]

Laura: Well, as fun as this is, I think we need to take a bathroom break…

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: Ooh, good.

Laura: … because if we keep going on with the bathroom humor too much longer, Andrew is going to kill us, so we’ll be right back after these messages.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: This episode is explicit, without question.

Andrew: This episode is sponsored by Charmin.

[Ad break]

Laura: So now we’re going to talk about working out this egg, right? So Myrtle appears when she realizes Harry is not working out the egg right, and she says, “I’d try putting it in the water if I were you,” causing Harry to drop the egg, cause all the commotion we talked about at the top of the conversation. So he puts the egg in the water, submerges himself, and he hears the song clue. And I wanted to see if anyone here was feeling brave enough, creative enough, inspired enough to do a rendition of this clue.

Andrew: Oh, pfft. Of course. Do you want me to sing it?

Laura: I mean, do whatever feels natural to you.

Eric: Well, hang on. This was not revealed yet, but one among us is actually a wizard wrockstar.

[Laura gasps]

Andrew: Oh, okay. Then Geoff, you do it.

Geoff: I was wondering if this was going to come up or not.

Eric: So ladies and gentlemen, please, coming to the stage to do the rendition of the egg clue, Dream Quaffle.

Geoff: Okay, so shall I just sing it then?

Laura: Do whatever you want.

Andrew: However you think is right.

Eric: However you would. Do the interpretation however you would. Sorry to put you on the spot.

Micah: Yeah, however it speaks to you.

Geoff: [sings]

“Come seek us where our voices sound,
We cannot sing above the ground,
And while you’re searching, ponder this:
We’ve taken what you’ll sorely miss,
An hour long you’ll have to look,
And to recover what we took,
But past an hour – the prospect’s black,
Too late, it’s gone, it won’t come back.”

Laura: Woo!

Micah: Wow.

Andrew: [applauds] Encore!

Laura: That was amazing.

Geoff: Thank you.

Andrew: Yeah, that was really good. [laughs] Way better than anything I had in mind.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Honestly, they need to contact you for the show.

Geoff: Yeah, you know what? They can. I’m @DreamQuaffle on all my social medias. Just send me a DM; we’ll work it out.

Andrew: Max that! Here we go.

[“Max that” sound effect plays]

Micah: Thank you, Geoff, for just bringing the show totally back.

Geoff: Oh, you bet.

Laura: I know. You brought it to a whole new level. [laughs]

Eric: Geoff, I’m looking forward to hearing that rendition live and in person at Leaky this summer.

Geoff: I absolutely will do that for you. I can’t wait.

Eric: Okay, awesome. We’ll do backup. We’ll do the oom-sha-la-las or something.

Geoff: [laughs] The oom-sha-la-las. I did a chant-like thing because that’s the way this text always read to me. My music theory brain kicks in; I’m like, “You know what? Ethereal-sounding mermaid song with a whole bunch of reverb.” This just sounds so chanty to me. But yeah, we’ll throw some sha-na-na-na-nas in the background. You guys can do that.

[Micah laughs]

Eric: Some sha-na-nas, some bah-bah-bah. Very classic wizard rock. I’ve got to say, it’s such a rhythmic and I think entrancing chant for a horrifying message.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, well, I guess that’s the fun of it? The intrigue around it? It’s almost a purposeful misdirect where it’s…

Geoff: Yeah, I would be… oh, yes. The fun of lying to children just intentionally!

Andrew: Well, it’s not…

Geoff: It is!

Andrew: Well, it’s lying in one way, but yeah.

Geoff: It’s a pretty big way.

Andrew: I guess so.

Geoff: You are intentionally telling children that something they care about will never come back if they don’t find it in a specific amount of time. It’s a terrible lie to tell to children.

Laura: It’s very sinister.

Eric: It’s so funny because… this is getting into what I think I do want to bring up next chapter when we talk about the task, but because of the way in which the “We’re going to take something that you love” comes across, I don’t think that Harry is fully set – or anybody – would be fully set up for the reality of what they’re about to face. So now that we finally worked out the clue – it took Harry months to do this – now that he’s worked out the clue, I don’t think the clue is that great. [laughs] I think it’s actually… it doesn’t adequately even… it still doesn’t prepare you. Harry still the needs the help of Myrtle to point out the mermaid for him to really understand what’s going on, and even then, not enough focus on “Wait a minute, they’re taking something? What are they going to take?”

Laura: Well, and also, “How am I going to be able to look for something in the lake for an hour? I’m sure the mermaids live at the very bottom,” he thinks this. So he doesn’t even get any sort of hint as to what he’s supposed to do to be able to embark on this endeavor in the first place. So yeah, I agree; it’s not a great clue. It’s pretty scary.

Micah: Maybe I’m by myself here; I think he makes the connection way too quickly. What context before this does he have to merpeople? I’m not going to go the route of the writing was rushed – I was just joking about that when I brought it up earlier – but even in the movie, you’d think it would take a little bit more thought for him to connect the dots.

Andrew: About the merpeople specifically? Or it just happening underwater?

Micah: Yeah, merpeople. I mean, I know there’s a mermaid or merperson up on the wall of the bathroom…

Eric: Which is lucky.

Micah: Yeah, I mean, how convenient.

Andrew: Well, that’s probably jogging his memory. Obviously putting the egg under the water is a hint that this is happening underwater.

Micah: But you think the singing gives it away, Geoff?

Geoff: It does. It’s not just the fact that it’s… with the Jim Dale narration – I forget about the Stephen Fry narration because I’ve only been through that set of books one time – but the Jim Dale narration, he doesn’t sing it. He just kind of reads it in this raspy voice that sounds very like his Voldemort voice from Deathly Hallows.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: It does, doesn’t it? It was giving Voldemort for me as well,.

Geoff: Hey, you know, he had to do like 300 characters per book; at a certain point, they’re going to start to sound similar. We can’t all be The Simpsons. Anyway, it’s just the line “We cannot sing above the ground,” so they’re either in water or literally underneath the ground, and it’s something that sings. And I don’t know about Harry personally – because they don’t teach creatures or history or any subjects the same way they did when I was this age – but by this point, even I knew when I was 14 that mermaids and sirens sing to lure you towards something, but that’s me personally. I will also admit that at that age, if I were in this position and I had that clue, I would think mermaids first, but I would have talked myself out of it by saying, “No, that’s too obvious. It has to be something more complicated.”

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Geoff: And then I would not have done the task.

Micah: I can see that. I do, though, agree with what was brought up from the standpoint of he has far more to worry about, so connecting the dots to the merpeople is just to get him to the place where he realizes, “Yeah, well, how am I going to swim underwater for an hour?” That’s really what he needs to try and solve here, and that’s a much bigger problem.

Geoff: This one in particular feels like a good point to remind ourselves he is 14. He has the magical education of a 14-year-old who has been through three and a half years of school. He’s not supposed to know how to breathe underwater for an hour…

Micah: [laughs] That’s true.

Geoff: … or even to figure out how should in theory do that. He’s not supposed to be here! So of course he can’t do it without help.

Andrew: Well, he also was not supposed to procrastinate, so this is kind of on him too.

Geoff: Are you kidding? He’s a 14-year-old boy! That’s one thing it’s weird if 14-year-old boys don’t do. They procrastinate.

[Micah laughs]

Laura: Yeah, and I think we established this on an earlier episode, where we talked about the procrastination and how when you’re that young, thinking, “Oh, this task is three months away; that’s an eternity” makes complete sense.

Andrew: Yeah, I’m just kind of making fun of my previous comments.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: I think the solution… but nevertheless, you do kind of… I think you make a good point, Geoff, because the 17-year-olds who’ve been through human transfiguration starting in like year six at least have some kind of a fighting edge, or they would have heard about Bubble-Head Charms, the things that the other champions do to survive this task. Harry at 14, yeah, he’s got Bagman sketchily offering him a hint, and he has some other people who kind of check in with him, but nobody is really… this needs to be weighted differently for Harry. I feel like he really should in a… it wouldn’t be cheating for somebody to say, “Here’s generally what you should be doing,” for this task more than anything else, because this task, you could drown if you do it wrong.

Geoff: I mean, poor Cedric. My dear, sweet Cedric boy is so bad at cheating because it is so far outside his nature. If I had been in his shoes and I was trying to help Harry cheat, I wouldn’t tell him, “Hey, take your egg and open it underwater,” because they’re going to check and see if you’ve done that. I would have just told him, “You should probably pull some books on breathing underwater and learn how to do that. There you go.” Then he doesn’t even have to bother with this whole mishegoss in the bathroom; he can just look up how to breathe underwater.

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: Eh, he still needs to do the clue. It’s part of the experience.

Eric: There is some shade to Cedric, though, because Moaning Myrtle says that Harry got the mermaid clue much faster, and at the time that Harry is in the bathroom, the mermaid is asleep and facing the other way even after the egg opens. But for Cedric, she was doing loop-de-loops, swimming around, and trying to get his attention, and poor little sweet summer child Cedric was so hard at work on the clue that he didn’t notice the mermaid that was literally right in front of his face.

Geoff: That boy is so pure, he wouldn’t have known what to do with that mermaid anyway.

Eric: He’s too pure for this world.

Geoff: And he is, he was, and now he’s… dead.

[Laura laughs]

Geoff: Not at this point, but it’s going to happen.

Laura: Soon.

Micah: Yeah. Well, speaking not of this world, I wanted to just call attention to the last two lines of this clue. “But past an hour, the prospect’s black. Too late, it’s gone, it won’t come back.” There were a lot of theories – maybe it’s not a theory – but there were a lot of thoughts and comments made after Order of the Phoenix had come out that this was a possible reference to Sirius going through the veil and not coming back.

Laura: Ohh.

Eric: That is interesting. The only thing in this entire clue that screams Hogwarts at all is that word “black,” because they sometimes call the lake “the Black Lake.” That’s really the only indicator at all about where this is to take place. Even if you get mermaids, or even if you get something is underwater, something underground, there are so few words in here to actually help – actually help – anything. Like, at all. And so “black” is one of them. And the whole “You won’t get it back, it won’t come back,” again, just is very ominous, and not enough effort has been spent really looking at that. [laughs]

Laura: Yeah, I don’t think Harry initially even imagines that the thing being taken is a person.

Eric: Oh! He thinks it’s like… they’re going to go into his trunk or something.

Laura: [laughs] He thinks they’re going to take his Firebolt. Well, having worked out the clue, all Harry needs to do is mind his business. Go back to Gryffindor tower, go to bed, end chapter, and episode over. Right? No, because Harry doesn’t know how to mind his damn business.

Micah: Amen.

Laura: He’s following the Marauder’s Map under his Invisibility Cloak, and he sees one Bartemius Crouch perusing Snape’s office and thinks, “I gotta go check that out.”

Eric: Okay, vibe check, though: Who among us would absolutely be doing the same thing if they saw somebody raiding Snape’s office and it wasn’t you? You’d be like, “Oh, kindred spirit. Have to check this out.”

Andrew: And it’s also somebody he is suspicious of. And I did also wonder – since we’ve occasionally raised this question before – could Harry’s interest in investigating this be Horcrux Harry at play? Maybe a little desire for trouble, which also is a bit of James Harry, too, but maybe just a natural curiosity towards anyone involved with Voldemort. That’s Horcrux Harry drawing him out to investigate. I know that that’s the type of thing that Harry would be doing, but given Barty Crouch’s connections to Voldemort, Junior’s connections to Voldemort, maybe the Horcrux is steering him along.

Geoff: I like that. I had not thought of that before, but I like it.

Eric: Yeah. It’s a matter of self-preservation for Harry, too, because if he can solve the larger mystery… he sees something this out of place; he assumes it means Crouch Sr. Crouch Sr., who is too sick to work, is now all of a sudden not only at Hogwarts, but didn’t come to Hogwarts when he was supposed to be at Hogwarts during the Yule Ball, now after hours is raiding Snape’s office. It’s too big a mystery for Harry to ignore. I do think that he’s been reckless in the past, but this is something where if you can nip this in the bud, if he had actually solved the mystery tonight, Cedric lives and nothing else bad happens to Harry ever until next year.

Laura: I don’t know. I look at this and I think it would have been a lot more effective to be stealthy about this, not feeling like you have to go directly to the source and see what’s going on. Monitor the map, see where he goes, and try to…

Eric: The map is only so good. We can’t know what Harry would have done had he not gotten stuck in the stair.

Laura: Well, yeah, of course. So it’s for the plot, is what you’re saying?

Geoff: Gryffindors don’t think that far ahead unless they’re Hermione.

Eric: Oh, there you go. Geoff’s got it.

Andrew: Also, Barty was doing circles around Snape’s office on the map; it’s not like he was really on the go, so maybe that further encouraged Harry to go and look, because I mean, he was also kind of trapped in Snape’s office. If you catch him in the office, he has nowhere to run.

Geoff: And then he does what? He encounters this adult wizard who’s probably more skilled and cleverer than he is, who managed to get into Hogwarts without being detected, and then Harry is going to do what? What’s his plan? See, he has no plan.

Andrew: Like you said, Gryffindors don’t think far ahead, yeah.

Geoff: Unless they’re Hermione.

Eric: It is worth noting that it’s unlikely Harry could have gone undetected, because Moody can see through his cloak. So I was going to say Harry would stay in the shadows outside Snape’s office, he would see Moody come out, he would realize that on the map the person that looks like Bartemius Crouch is in fact the teacher Moody, problem solved. It would be great. But I don’t think that Moody would leave without spotting Harry, just because Moody is on alert and that’s what he can do.

Laura: But as Harry is trying to navigate the castle, finding shortcuts to get down to Snape’s office, he does miss the trick step that always trips Neville up, and he ends up stuck with a leg…

Micah: He misstepped, literally.

Laura: [laughs] He did.

Eric: Ha.

Laura: Yeah, he misstepped. He ends up with a leg hanging through the stairs. The egg tumbles out of his hands to the bottom of the stairwell, where it bursts open and starts wailing and screeching, making a ton of noise. All I can imagine is what if someone else was out right now in the castle and they were maybe a floor below where Harry is, and all of a sudden they see this leg come through the stairs and you just start hearing this wailing and screeching because Harry’s leg is no longer covered by the cloak; it’s just hanging through the stairs, so is somebody just down there seeing his leg dangling, presumably, if they’re out?

Eric: I’m picturing that one shot of, what is it, Last Crusade where Indiana Jones steps through the thing and his foot is shown in the thing? I have to ask the question, because this is terrifying: Why is this here? This is a public staircase. I understand Hogwarts is quirky, but this is a pretty commonly trafficked staircase to get to… it’s very handy. But not only is there a trick stair, it’s also not well lit. Filch is standing inches from Harry and can’t see the map that Harry has dropped, so it’s extremely dark at night, not well lit. Not ADA compliant, let’s just go ahead and say that; although, it doesn’t need to be in the UK, but I assume the UK has something similar. This is a medical nightmare. Harry could have twisted his ankle. Harry could have broken his leg. For what? Let’s fix this stair! Come on, people! Let’s patch this up!

Andrew: [laughs] Uh-oh, I fear for the day we discuss Quidditch again. Eric is going to be like, “It’s so dangerous! What is wrong with this?”

Geoff: It is dangerous.

Eric: No, no, no. I don’t… look, a contact sport is something you sign up for. A contact sport is something you sign up for. Going to… I mean, what if the teachers, right? McGonagall is over 100, if she was in Fantastic Beasts. Dumbledore is 150. What about the older…? Maybe this is how Binns died, just going down the stairs one day. Whoops, he’s friggin’ dead!

Geoff: It’s canon how Binns died.

Eric: All that is said is that… it is assumed that he woke up, or he went to bed at his office and just woke up and left one day, but I don’t know.

Geoff: I mean, there’s only two explanations that make sense to me. Either they can’t, because similar to not being able to expel a poltergeist for some reason, there’s something quirky about this step; you just can’t fix it. That’s not very satisfying to me. What seems the most likely is it’s one of those minor annoyances that everybody thinks, “Eh, somebody’ll take care of that.” Everybody thinks somebody else is going to be the one to go to Dumbledore and say, “Heyyy, can we get rid of that fake step, because I almost broke my ankle? Okay, thanks,” and then no one ever does.

Andrew: I kind of like the idea that that’s a cursed step like the DADA role and it’s just impossible to fix. I think that would be very Hogwarts for that step to just be permanently in a trap mode. [laughs]

Geoff: I mean, you can make a Permanent Sticking Charm for pictures and stuff; maybe you can make a permanent Minor Damage Charm, and that was something that the architect who put the moving staircases in did as their little joke because their last payment from the founders was late and they’re like, “Okay, you know what? I’m going to give you this step forever and you’re going to be stuck with it. Pay your contractors on time.”

Eric: I like this canon. An angry contractor is my new favorite headcanon. Yeah, okay, I’ll go with that. I do picture, though, Laura, to your question of what do you imagine? The way it’s written is so funny because Harry loses the map, he loses the egg, he loses his cloak…

Andrew: He’s a mess.

Eric: He can’t get his stuff out and he can’t help himself out. I almost picture… there’s a thing in Family Guy with Peter Griffin where he falls down some stairs and just everything that could possibly go wrong goes wrong, and yeah, that’s what I picture. It’s just devastating. He’s trying to be stealthy, and it absolutely blows up in his face in every possible way.

Laura: Yeah. Well, to the point you raised earlier, Eric, Filch is first on the scene; he’s convinced that Peeves has stolen the egg from one of the champions and is up to some mischief. And much to Harry’s chagrin, shortly thereafter appears Snape, and Snape automatically knows “Somebody has been in my office messing with my wares, and I need you to come help me figure out who’s doing it, Filch.” And again, we made this connection – I think Micah did a little bit earlier – but Fakey, a.k.a. Barty Crouch, Jr., is in Snape’s office gathering ingredients to create that sweet, sweet Polyjuice Potion, just like we did in Chamber of Secrets.

Andrew: And it is funny that Snape’s prediction as to why a student would be in his office is mostly accurate here. Somebody is trying to get ingredients for the Polyjuice Potion; the question is who. And this is also another reminder for the reader as to the existence of the Polyjuice Potion and that it will come into play. It did make me think, though, it is too bad that Snape doesn’t have a way of detecting people who are under Polyjuice Potion, because if he has the ingredients to create it, you would think – and he can read minds – he might also have a way to detect if somebody is under Polyjuice Potion, and if he did, this mystery would have been solved right here, am I right?

Geoff: Speaking of detecting people, this is the thing that has always bugged me, because Snape gets so much credit for being so smart, and he is. He’s a jerk, but he’s a smart jerk. But this is a Snape thing that has always really bothered me; he says, “I seal my office with a spell that none but a wizard could break,” but what is the point of that spell if it can’t detect the identity of the witch or wizard in question? I know that Muggle technology doesn’t work at Hogwarts, so you don’t have cameras, but if you can detect the last spell that a wand cast, why can’t you detect some trace of who exactly has been in your office? Especially if he’s so keen to pin it on Harry, if he really thinks that Harry is doing it, he needs a way of proving who’s going into his office. Otherwise, it doesn’t matter. It could be anybody.

Andrew: And it’s certainly possible, because the map is capable of this. [laughs]

Micah: The other thing this made me think about, though, too, in terms of revealing people is Homenum Revelio, right? Why doesn’t Snape choose in that moment when he’s with Filch to actually see if Harry is there? We were told that’s how Dumbledore knew that Harry was in Hagrid’s hut back in Chamber of Secrets, and of course we see the spell used at other times throughout the rest of the series, but it always… that was one thing that came to mind when I was reading this scene. Why didn’t Snape choose to do that?

Eric: Yeah, and the reason that we find out that Snape’s office is barred with a charm that only a wizard could break is because Snape is forced to rule out Peeves as the person that was in his office per Filch’s insistence. So if you’re Snape, and you’re barring your office, and it’s either going to block all wizards from entering or all ghosts from entering, who do you think you’re going to bar your office off from? Wizards, right? All the students that want to creep into your stores and get your potions ingredients. Wouldn’t it make more sense for Snape to be like, “No, my office is protected and nobody but a ghost could get in there”? That’s a lot more secure than “Any wizard ever could go in.” And to your point, Geoff, I wouldn’t know who it was.

Geoff: Yeah, if you’re trying to figure out who’s stealing your stuff and you don’t care about who it is, why are you bothering? Just put it out on the porch and let them take it.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: Wow.

Laura: Like Halloween.

Geoff: Yeah, like Halloween. [laughs] Put some Polyjuice ingredients in a pumpkin on your porch. Call it a day.

Laura: Well, I need to go break into Andrew’s potions closet to steal some ingredients, so we’ll be right back after a few words from these sponsors.

Andrew: Laura’s gotten really good at these ad break transitions.

Laura: Oh, thank you.

Eric: She’s so good at it!

[Ad break]

Laura: Okay, and so Mad-Eye Moody – a.k.a. Mad-Eye Fakey – joins the slumber party. He actually calls it out as a pajama party when he shows up and finds Filch and Snape sort of at odds about how to proceed here. And my first thought was in retrospect, a third character appearing in the middle of the night, when it was just established that only another wizard could have been searching Snape’s office, should have been a tip off. Maybe not for Harry, but certainly for us as readers.

Eric: But I think the biggest thing that works to Moody’s favor is that he shows up and immediately takes charge. He takes charge in a way that… Snape and Moody’s real life relationship is tense. It is also revealed through dialogue that Moody has already searched Snape’s office and Snape knew about it, and so that immediately, I think, deflates… you’re like, “Oh, it’s fine. He wouldn’t need to break in there because he’s already searched in person, and Snape knows about it.” So that’s why I think we don’t suspect him. But the way in which Snape is let’s just say handled by Junior here is a masterclass in how to… it’s like, we love that he’s helping Harry out in this moment, but it’s really shocking how good he is at it.

Laura: He is very good, because of course, we established that Harry dropped the Marauder’s Map. Moody very nearly blows Harry’s cover by saying, “Oh, did you drop a bit of parchment?” Snape turns around and immediately recognizes it, and starts casting about with his arms as far out as he can reach. He’s described as literally having his nostrils flared as though he is sniffing Harry out, which is a really bad moment for Harry because he used a bunch of heavily perfumed bath soaps in the prefects’ bathroom.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Eric: “You’re smelling very lovely tonight, Filch. I just have to tell you.”

Laura: [laughs] Not only is he worried about Mrs. Norris being able to smell him – I mean, he’s already worried she can see him through the cloak – but now he’s got Snape literally about to reach out and grab him when Moody takes the Marauder’s Map and says, “Oh, no, sorry, that was mine.” Might be because Harry is frantically waving under the cloak, “No, no, no, that’s mine! That’s mine!” because he knows Moody can see him.

Micah: So I have a question about this, and this is something that has always bothered me a bit. This cloak is not an ordinary cloak. It’s one of the Deathly Hallows.

Andrew: It’s waterproof.

Micah: [laughs] That too. I don’t think Moody should be able to see through it.

Andrew: And definitely not an imposter. [laughs]

Eric: Yeah, I mean, I think I would agree that Moody’s eye is overpowered, but I will say at least the book has established by this point – I’m pretty sure it has – that Moody can see through it. So this isn’t the first time we see that happening, which is good.

Laura: Well, and as we established, Mad-Eye really does a good job here. Fakey, excuse me, does a good job here of gaslighting the hell out of Snape and basically turning the tables on him and saying, “Dumbledore is pretty interested in anyone who’s got it out for Harry; why are you so convinced it was him? Why are you so obsessed with him?” [laughs] And it forces Snape to back down, which is so funny, seeing Snape actually be intimidated by someone else, which goes to show he doesn’t suspect that this is an imposter at all.

Eric: No.

Andrew: And maybe this is one reason Fakey is going so hard to help further sell the act. You would never expect Snape to be overpowered. It’s normally him who’s top dog, whether it’s another professor or, of course, a student, so to see this was a really fun read, and also just so cool to see Harry and Moody silently team up.

Laura: Yeah. He also allows Harry to overhear him saying other things to Snape, like “There are some marks that I don’t believe come off.” And Snape then grabs his forearm reflexively, and Harry is like, “Oh, I wonder what’s going on there?” But what do we make of the interaction here between Barty Crouch, Jr. and Snape? Because again, Barty is clever, right? He’s absolutely got animosity towards former Death Eaters who seemingly abandoned Voldemort, but at the same time, he’s playing it all out under the guise of being this former Auror so he completely flies under the radar. What do we think his motivation in this moment is?

Geoff: I used to think he was just venting all this anger that he never got to unload on any of those other Death Eaters that he mentions later in the book where he talks about how they never had to suffer for his master the way he did, but I actually think that when it comes to Snape, it’s a little bit different because he doesn’t know all the things that have gone on with Snape since he went to jail, got broken out, was on house arrest for years. I think he probably knows that Snape is formidable and useful and doesn’t know that his true allegiance is actually with Dumbledore. So I think when he’s amping him up with this discussion about how there are some spots that don’t come off, “You really can’t change your true nature,” it feels very Palpatine-esque to me when I read it now, almost like he’s reminding him, “You can’t change who you really are, Snape. You’re a kick-butt wizard, but you are definitely one of the Dark Lord’s soldiers, and he’s going to rise up again at the end of this book, and when he does, you’d better take that call, buddy, because if you send him to voicemail, he is going to whoop you good.”

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Eric: I love the idea that Junior is leaving the door open for Snape, personally. Between them, hasn’t made his mind up yet, exactly. I really love that because it works for me. It definitely sells this idea of Alastor Moody, who he’s supposed to be, as this grizzled old cop who doesn’t believe in second chances, so I think it really works perfectly. “Once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater” is exactly the prejudicial thing that you can think a retired police officer would say about somebody.

Micah: I’d add that this is also… this whole scene playing out in front of Harry is a major moment of trust-building between Moody and Harry.

Eric: Absolutely.

Micah: And we spoke in prior episodes about how there are other examples; he transforms Draco into a ferret, right? He gives Harry the final piece he needs for the first task. But he really saves Harry’s ass here, and he does it in a way, as Geoff, you just so eloquently put it, debasing Snape. So Harry couldn’t ask for more here; not only is he being saved, but he’s seeing Snape taken down a few pegs and is probably inside loving every minute of it.

Eric: Yeah, very few people could tell Snape to go back to bed…

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: Literally.

Eric: … and live.

Laura: Well, and it’s so funny that you mention Fakey saving Harry’s butt here, Micah, because Harry doesn’t know it, but he kind of returns the favor. If Harry hadn’t missed the trick step, and subsequently dropped the map and the egg and everything, he likely would have seen Moody come around a corner at some point, looked at the map…

Andrew: “Is this map bugged?”

Laura: … and seen, “That’s not Barty Crouch.” [laughs] And the plot would have ended a lot more quickly, I think, than it does. But I think, again, this is where Barty is so masterful at planting the seed of a different narrative by saying, “Yeah, well, if you think I’m loco for hunting down Dark wizards, I ain’t got nothing on Barty Crouch.” And he makes it his business to do this kind of thing, so again, he’s deflecting Harry’s attention onto Snape as a suspect.

Andrew: And there’s a lot to like about Moody’s performance here, but he’s not perfect. He is temporarily distracted from what Harry is saying because he’s so fascinated by this map. Harry asks him for help and Moody says, “What? Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.” He’s really focused on… maybe he’s thinking, “Whoa, that was close. I could have just been exposed.”

Eric: Well, that’s it, is his months’ long – if not more, multiple years’ long – plan to enter Hogwarts undetected… he’s successfully doing this under the nose of Dumbledore, Snape, McGonagall, all the professors who are all adults. Nobody suspects a thing. Nobody suspects him. All of a sudden this map, he doesn’t know who made this map, where does it come from? Nobody could have predicted or planned for this map to be existing. All of a sudden Harry holds it out, and he’s like, “This said Bartemius Crouch.” It’s like, for all of his planning, I think Junior is humbled in this moment, because something exists that is 100% revealing his true self. And of course he confiscates it, but he also can’t stop looking at it. He holds it the whole rest of the chapter, and I think he’s stunned that something like this could exist. I swear, between Harry trying out all the taps and Junior holding the map, they both have their own “I love magic” moments in this chapter.

Laura: Yeah. Well, the other thing, too… I mean, him taking the map serves a double purpose, right? One, he does not want Harry to have this thing that will reveal his true identity, but it also allows him probably to keep an even closer eye on Harry. He can already do that pretty well because of the magical eye, but now he has this map, he can watch not only Harry, but literally everyone else who’s on the Hogwarts grounds, including Snape, including Karkaroff, the other champions, Dumbledore… this makes it really easy for him. And their interaction in this chapter between Fakey and Harry ends with Fakey complimenting Harry and saying, “Hey, you’re a pretty good detective. Have you ever thought of a career as an Auror?” And I wanted to ask if we thought that that recommendation was sincere from Barty Crouch, Jr.

Geoff: Nope.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: You don’t think so?

Geoff: Because by the end of this year, Harry is supposed to be dead. It doesn’t matter what he aspires to, so why bother making a sincere suggestion that he take on a career that he doesn’t think Harry will ever live to see?

Eric: I think that’s exactly why he does it, is because he knows it’s not going to matter. I think that Barty has a very tongue in cheek approach. Well, Barty has opinions on Aurors. He took the baddest Auror out and assumed a position as him; the baddest Auror that ever was, Mad-Eye Moody, was Play-Doh compared to Barty Crouch, so he’s feeling really good right now, living life. And he has no high opinion of Aurors, so when he says that Harry should be an Auror, it’s both tongue in cheek because he doesn’t think highly of Aurors, and two, “Oh, if we had met 20 years ago under different circumstances, you might have caught me.” I think that’s where this is coming from, as Junior saying, “You might have caught me, actually.”

Andrew: Right, thanks to your detective work with this amazing map. So I think, to quote Laura, two things can be true. He knows Harry is going to be dead, but also, his detective skills are actually pretty good. He’s an inquisitive guy, so why not tell him that as a little pat on the back? Like a “Good job, kid.”

Eric: Yeah, I think so too. I know that we’re on a staircase right now, but it works on many levels.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Ha, ha, ha.

Laura: I was going to say, this gets brought up enough; can we create a shirt – for eventually when we expand more merch – that just says, “Multiple truths exist”?

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: Oh, that’s how you want it phrased? Not “Two things can be true”?

Laura: Well, that’s how I say it. [laughs]

Andrew: Oh, okay. We’ll add it to the list.

Laura: Do it.

Eric: She’s quoting himself right now.

Andrew: Merch ideas. “Multiple truths can exist.” Okay.

Geoff: Makes it sound a bit like an X-Files knockoff, but I like it.

Micah: Yeah, I was going to… [laughs]

Eric: “Multiple truths are out there.”

[Geoff and Laura laugh]

Micah: I just think Moody is caught up in the moment. It’s a great performance by a great actor, right? He’s performing throughout this entire book, and this is another one of those moments. And I think part of him probably is like, “Oh, well, how much can I really build up Harry here? I’m going to say he could be an Auror.”

Eric: Exactly. I think the higher he builds Harry up, the more satisfying it’s going to see Harry’s broken body and… a sick thing later.

Andrew: Keep your friends close.

Eric: So I think that he is genuine with his compliment here.

Laura: Yeah, I mean, I think we talked about this a little bit before, but I think he kind of gets off on the danger of this situation a little bit. He’s definitely having fun playing with it. He’s having fun being hidden in plain sight and doing things that would otherwise attract a ton of attention to him, so I think he’s actually enjoying it. It’s almost like he’s taunting all of these characters and saying, like, “Na-na-na-na-na, I’m smarter than you.” That’s really the vibe that I get from Barty Crouch, Jr., and it’s clever; I’ll give it to him.

Andrew: One of my favorite shows is Breaking Bad and you see this with Walter White as the series progresses.

Laura: Yes.

Andrew: He gets an ego on him and he starts taunting his brother-in-law, who’s the DEA officer! And he enjoys it!

Geoff: He regrets it.

Andrew: Well, by the end he regrets it, but in the moment, in these moments where he’s got an ego about him, he is really going for it, rolling the dice, and I think it’s because – just to bring it back to Harry Potter – Barty Crouch, Jr. believes he’s pulling this off really well, and that ego just builds.

Geoff: Okay, I’ll give you this. Later in the book when he thinks he’s about to wipe Harry out once and for all, he points out that he thinks Harry is stupid. So if anything, him saying Harry should become an Auror is just pointing out that Aurors are stupid, which I think kind of serves the point that Andrew was just making.

Eric: There you go.


Odds & Ends


Laura: Well, let’s get into some odds and ends. Micah, take us away.

Micah: Yeah, so I wanted to bring up this is the second straight book where Harry loses the Marauder’s Map to the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.

[Andrew laughs]

Geoff: Oooh.

Eric: Weird. If I had a nickel… I’d have two nickels.

Geoff: Not a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice.

Eric: Exactly.

Laura: And it’s funny because can’t we argue that both times the professor took it to protect themselves in a way?

Eric: Oh, yep.

[Geoff and Laura laugh]

Geoff: I’d agree.

Micah: And Snape was there both times too.

Laura: Yep.

Eric: Oooh.

Micah: Lazy writing. I’m just kidding.

Laura: [laughs] It was rushed. It was rushed. What do you have, Geoff?

Geoff: I just… one of my favorite things about the world-building of this take on the wizarding world. It’s one of the reasons why this version of magic is so dear to me, is just the occasional reminders of just the whimsy and the nonsense that they not only have, but they endeavor to preserve. Because the bathroom that we just spent so much time in is across from a tapestry of someone called “Boris the Bewildered,” proving once again, the wizarding world is a place where they immortalize weirdos for things that are kind of explained, but not really.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Geoff: He’s got his gloves on the wrong hands, I think. There’s another tapestry that comes up in a different book where there’s a guy trying to train trolls for the ballet. There was somebody who thought they should make a cheese cauldron. These are the people who are the heroes of the wizarding world, the total just off-ball weirdos, but we draw the line at Arthur Weasley because he wants to know how airplanes fly. Sure, okay.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: I mean, I agree with you, Geoff, but I would eat a cheese cauldron.


MVP of the Week


Laura: All right, well, let’s jump into MVP of the Week.

[MVP of the Week music plays]

Andrew: I’m going to give mine to Moaning Myrtle for helping her crush Harry with uncovering the secret of the egg. Good job, girl. Even though you’re kind of creepy.

Eric: I’m going to give it to Cedric for being such a hard worker, not being distracted by the mermaid across the room trying to get his attention.

Micah: I’m going to give it to the trick step for teaching Harry not to be such a snoop.

Laura: I’m going to give it to Barty Crouch, Jr. – very important distinguisher there – for honestly being clever and playing everyone in this chapter, and in this book, like a fiddle.

Geoff: I’m going to give it to the engineer who designed the golden egg clue. Even if the riddle does imply something very terrible you should not do, traumatizing children, the mechanism of the golden egg clues is such a cool example of magical ingenuity.

Andrew: Well, if you have any feedback about today’s discussion, you can contact us by emailing or sending a voice memo that you record on your phone to MuggleCast@gmail.com, or you can use our phone number, which is 1-920-3-MUGGLE. That’s 1-920-368-4453. And of course, you can also go to MuggleCast.com, and you will find a contact form.


Quizzitch


Andrew: And now it’s time for Quizzitch.

[Quizzitch music plays]

Eric: Last week’s Quizzitch question: Where specifically did Moaning Myrtle haunt Olive Hornby? And the correct answer was her brother’s wedding. Okay, and correct answers were submitted by Merlin’s Saggy Left Earlobe…

[Laura laughs]

Eric: … Assigned Hufflepuff at birth but I identify as Gryffindor; Buff Daddy; Casper the giant lover; Elizabeth K.; Hallow Wolf; LC; Liz the Muggle Mussel Whisperer; Muggle McGonagall; My Accio brings all the brooms to the yard; Olive Hornby’s confused Muggle therapists… love that one. Stan Shunpike’s dermatologist; The Hoggy Warty Hufflepuff; The really, really super long name that absolutely no one wants to read out loud because they’re afraid they might mess up and make a fool of themselves, and then 10 exclamation points; You’re a Quizzard, Harry; and The feather Ron destroyed with his pronunciation. And thank you to all who submitted the correct answers. Here is next week’s Quizzitch question: According to Hagrid, at what age does a unicorn become pure white? Submit your answer to us on the Quizzitch form on the MuggleCast website by going to MuggleCast.com/Quizzitch, or if you’re already on the MuggleCast website, click on “Quizzitch” from the main nav.

Andrew: This show is brought to you by Muggles like you and Geoff; we don’t have corporate overlords who own the show, control the show, take over the show, could cancel us at any moment. We’re very proudly an independent podcast, but that does mean we need support from listeners like you. So you can support us by going into Apple Podcasts and subscribing to MuggleCast Gold; you’ll get ad-free MuggleCast, early access to MuggleCast, and two bonus MuggleCast installments every month, including one we’re going to be recording today. And then there’s also Patreon.com/MuggleCast, and you will get all of what I just mentioned, plus access to our livestreams, our planning docs, the chance to co-host the show one day like Geoff did today, a new physical gift every year, and a video message from one of the four of us. Geoff, thank you so much for joining us today. It was great having you on.

Geoff: Thank you. It was well worth 14 years of waiting to have this conversation.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Aww.

Geoff: Absolutely loved being here with you guys today.

Andrew: Well, thank you for listening for 14 years. That’s amazing. We really appreciate that you’ve been with us [imitating Dumbledore] after all this time.

Geoff: Always.

Andrew: Do you have a MuggleCast shirt, Geoff?

Geoff: I do have a MuggleCast shirt. I should have worn it.

Andrew: Well, that’s okay, because actually, Laura and I are both wearing our MuggleCast shirts today. Listeners, if you want to grab one and don’t have one, you can head to MuggleMillennial.etsy.com; we have shirts from our 15th anniversary that you can purchase right there. We’ve also got MuggleCast beanies and socks and collectors cars and signed album art, so check it all out at MuggleMillennial.etsy.com. That’s another way you can support us.

Micah: And Eric, Geoff, and I will be at LeakyCon 2024 from July 5-7 at the Oregon Convention Center in Portland, and they’re announcing guests left and right now, it seems like. I know on the last episode you mentioned that Team StarKid has been announced for LeakyCon this year, and I know many more will follow. And of course, as we pull together what our show is going to look like and when the other panels we’ll be doing, we will be sure to share it with you all. But if you head over to LeakyCon.com and use code “Muggle” when checking out, you’ll get a nice little discount, so be sure to do that. Let them know that we sent you.

Eric: Absolutely. Catherine Tate was announced today, for any Doctor Who fans out there. And Geoff, I wanted to ask about the Bookish Songs Collective. Could you give us a rundown real quick?

Geoff: Sure. So in addition to the five or six panels that I’m on, I also have the privilege of playing the fandom wrock show along with Brian Ross of Draco and the Malfoys, and the Bookish Songs Collective, which is a group of some incredibly talented young musicians. I believe they’re all female identifying; I may be wrong about that. But the music that they write is specifically based around literature. For example, Kendra Dantes is one of my absolute favorite folk musicians; she’s got a lot of songs based out of Leigh Bardugo’s Grishaverse, one of which was actually even included in an episode of Lucifer, so I’m hopeful – fingers crossed – that she will at some point in the weekend grace us with a performance of “Dirty Hands.”

Eric: That would be pretty cool.

Geoff: I would love it.

Andrew: If you enjoyed the show and think other Muggles would too, we would appreciate if you spread the word about MuggleCast. We’d also appreciate if you left us a review in your favorite podcast app. And last but not least, visit MuggleCast.com for transcripts – we’re adding new ones every week, including, of course, for the latest episodes – we also have our social media links there, our full episode archive, our favorite episodes to listen to in the “Must listens” page, and a lot more. Everything you could want is on MuggleCast.com. So that does it for this week’s episode. Thanks, everybody, for listening. I’m Andrew.

Eric: I’m Eric.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: I’m Laura.

Geoff: And I’m Geoff.

Andrew: Bye, everybody.

Laura: Bye, y’all.

Transcript #657

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #657, Does Goblet of Fire Feel Like a Rushed Book? And more MuggleMail


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into the Wizarding World fandom. I’m Andrew.

Eric Scull: I’m Eric.

Micah Tannenbaum: I’m Micah.

Laura Tee: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: And we’ve got a Muggle Mail episode for everybody this week. We’re looking forward to reading and talking about all your feedback. It always warms my heart reading this feedback and hearing from the listeners.

Laura: Same.

Andrew: Like, [emotionally] “Oh man, people do listen to us.”

Laura: They like us! They really like us!

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: But first we must acknowledge that we are recording on the anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts, so today we also pour one out for the many who fought for the greater good that day.

Micah: Cheers.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: Moment of silence. Is Lavender Brown alive or dead?

Andrew: Still wondering.

Laura: Let’s have the annual debate.

Eric: I need to know if this is for her or not that we’re doing this.

Andrew: I have also seen some talk of this being called Harry Potter Day this year? I don’t remember this on May 2nds past.

Eric: November 1 should be Harry Potter Day because that’s the day McGonagall tells Dumbledore, “I could see this day being Harry Potter Day in the future.”

Andrew: Ohh.

Eric: The day everyone woke to find out that Voldemort had been defeated.

Andrew: I guess, but September 1 should just be… that should be Harry Potter Day. Back to Hogwarts Day.

Eric: It’s Back to Hogwarts Day.

Micah: Or his birthday. [laughs]

Andrew: Well, anyway, before we get into some voicemails, just wanted to remind everybody that if you want to support us but don’t want to commit to a subscription – and maybe you want to look as cool as I do in this MuggleCast 15th anniversary T-shirt – visit our Etsy store, where you can buy many cool MuggleCast items, like this shirt. We’ve got MuggleCast beanies, MuggleCast socks, signed album art, wooden cars, and some more items. By the way, not many of these shirts remaining; they’re primarily women’s cut shirts that we have still available, so snap them up. Check out MuggleMillennial.etsy.com and grab a shirt or anything else that we’ve got for you.


Muggle Mail: Voicemails


Andrew: Okay, so let’s get into Muggle Mail, and we’re going to start by turning the mic around to you, the listener, and we’ll start with this voicemail from Robert.

[Voicemail plays]

“Hey, MuggleCast, it’s Robert. I just wanted to share some thoughts I had about the whole house-elf situation; I know it’s a big topic for this book, and I wanted to share a headcanon that I have had for a little bit. Kind of eases my mind when reading the books and especially playing Hogwarts Legacy. So my thought on house-elves is many eons ago, however long ago you want to say in the past when house-elves first began to interact with wizard culture, my headcanon is that their need and love of serving and helping was just something that they offered out of the kindness of their hearts, because they genuinely like to help. The reason that modern day wizards have treated them essentially like slaves is because all of the Lucius Malfoys of the world throughout history greatly exploited that helping nature of the house-elves until it got to a point where they were basically enslaved. And unfortunately, because the modern day wizards are so far removed from the initial first interaction between house-elves and wizards, it’s become so normalized in their brain that house-elves are servants versus just liking to serve. So I just wanted to run that by you and just kind of ask, does this extra bit of headcanon help? Or am I just trying to make myself feel better about enjoying a book series about, kind of, slavery? Love the podcast, love everything that you do. Thank you for just being the best you you can be. Bye.”

[Voicemail ends]

Eric: So it’s their fault, Robert, is it?

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: That they offered to humanity centuries ago, that just to help out with the washing, and all this… jokes aside, I can easily see this idea that they offered this to wizards, and wizards just immediately started taking it for granted, and that it boiled out of control to now where it’s like, “Wait a minute, you offered to help us 20 years ago, 40 years ago, 60 years ago. Don’t you still want to help us?” and then that kind of led its way through politeness and house-elf society, because they weren’t the kind of beings that would stand up for themselves, into what we see, which is full-fledged just expectations.

Andrew: You shouldn’t feel guilty for enjoying a series where the house-elves are involved because they have been slaves. This is just an element of the story. And yes, maybe they were offering the help many moons ago.

Eric: Well, modern day treatment of them is brought into question, is brought attention to and held up as, “Ooh, should we really be doing this?” within the narrative, so that’s what makes it okay to have that element of these books, is that it gets a thorough question mark, and we love…

Andrew: It’s a learning lesson for the reader.

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Laura: I think we talk about this a lot on the show, but a lot of what we see in the wizarding world can just as easily be seen as a reflection of our own world being called into question. So I don’t think there’s a need to feel bad about enjoying the series, because it’s certainly not painting servitude as a good thing.

Micah: No. The one thing I do find, still to this day, somewhat surprising is that there wasn’t more advocating done by the house-elves themselves, that they weren’t more rebellious. And maybe it’s just we don’t have the time to be able to go into that in this particular story, but again, knowing the broader themes that are in Harry Potter, the fact that you don’t even really get that kind of resolution at the end of the story… there’s no broader freeing of the house-elves that we’re made aware of, until of course later when Hermione becomes Minister for Magic; that’s one of the things I believe we’re told that she worked extremely hard on. So I know you said what you said in jest, Eric, at the top in your response, but I do agree with Robert’s take that I think he’s just trying to make himself feel a little bit better about the situation. [laughs]

Eric: No, it’s absolutely admirable. And I think going just to the chapter that you guys discussed last week… expertly, by the way. I will say I loved that episode. It’s a really, really good one, and Liza did a great job. In that chapter, “Rita Skeeter’s Scoop,” Hermione specifically references that house-elves don’t stand up for themselves the way that other creatures like goblins do. That’s specifically called out because Ron jokes about her starting a goblin society something something, and she’s like, “No, they can actually handle themselves.” So house-elves again, through whatever means, for whatever reason, to Robert’s voicemail, they’re not pushing back in an organized manner the way that other races are, which is how things unfortunately have developed to where they are.

Andrew: All right, let’s hear this next voicemail from Judy about Triwizard Tournament judges.

[Voicemail plays]

“Hey, MuggleCast. This is Judy from Santa Monica about your recent show, ‘Accio Golden Egg.’ My boys do marching band, and they have judges that judge for different things, specifically the flag, the drums, how they’re marching, what the song is… so I agree there should have been a little bit more of a mixture. But I did love the podcast; well done. And poor puppy dog.”

[Voicemail ends]

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Rock dog.

Andrew: Still not happy about that. So I guess Judy’s point was there’s just a bunch of different judges to judge different aspects, and thus you could have found more judges? What was her point, exactly?

Eric: Yeah, that it could have been more… you could have had a judge do a specific category instead of an overall rating, which then would have, I think, made it fairer than what we got, which seemed to be like, “What’s this head of school’s personal opinion on each champion?”, have it be so biased. That said, if your boys are in marching band and the judges are grading on song choice, the band director actually chooses the song, so maybe you should actually consult with the PTA about what your boys are getting graded on, because I was in band – not marching band, but I was in band – I couldn’t choose what songs we played, so I would not have liked getting judged on it.

Micah: If I’m remembering correctly, what we talked about was, in fact, the validity of some of these judges, right? The fact that we shouldn’t really have the headmasters or headmistresses of the different schools sitting up there to judge students from their own respective schools. It should have been a little bit more fair, and one of the ways to do that, I think, that was brought up, was to do it based on criteria, right? I can’t remember who brought that up on that episode, or if it was you, Eric, or if it was somebody else, but it definitely got brought up.

Andrew: All right, next voicemail is from Karin about the prefects’ bathroom.

[Voicemail plays]

“Hi, MuggleCast. My name is Karin, and I just had a quick thought to share with you on the most recent couple of episodes about Goblet of Fire and this clue that Cedric gives to Harry about taking his egg into the prefects’ bathroom. And I was just wondering – it’s hard to know, because we never really find out – but what are the bathrooms in the regular dormitories like in Gryffindor common room or whatever common room? Do they have bathtubs that students can use, or do they only have showers? Because when I think back to my college days when I lived in a dormitory, there were only showers, and I think I would have been hard pressed to find something big enough to put the egg underwater in in the bathroom unless I brought a bucket or something and filled that with water. So I’m just wondering if the prefects’ bathroom is one of the only places in the school that actually has a bathtub and not just a shower? Maybe that clue from Cedric has more meaning than we might think that it does. Anyway, would love to hear what you think about this. I love the show so much and it gives me so much joy, and thank you so much for what you do.”

[Voicemail ends]

Andrew: Aww.

Laura: Thank you.

Andrew: First of all, no podcast has ever discussed the Cedric hint more than MuggleCast. [laughs]

Laura: I know, right?

Eric: It’s true.

Andrew: Because we’re now in the third week and we still have an email to talk about regarding this. [laughs] But this is a good point.

Micah: I do like the way that Karin positions this because it shows just a deeper level of caring on the part of Cedric, because – and I said this on the last episode – he is giving Harry access to the place in order to be able to listen to the egg. And as Karin says, perhaps there’s not all that many places in Hogwarts where Harry can go where he’s going to be alone and he’s going to have the ability to put the egg underwater. So this just strengthens that argument, in my opinion.

Andrew: It does, and it makes sense that the prefects’ bathroom would be more luxurious; it would have a tub where you could relax in. Whereas just thinking about my college dorm, it was just this awful stand-up shower that I probably still have diseases on my feet from.

Micah: Foot fungus. [laughs]

Laura: Well, did you wear shower shoes?

Andrew: Yeah, I think I did.

Laura: You think?!

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: I don’t know; this was back in 2007! I probably did. I probably did.

Micah: And I think Cedric is doing Harry an even bigger service because Harry never becomes prefect, so he’s never going to have another reason to go into the prefects’ bathroom.

Andrew: True.

Eric: The boy just wanted the other boy to have a nice bath. A nice, cleanly experience.

Micah: [laughs] Yep.

Andrew: You know, I went home every weekend as a college student to record MuggleCast. I never lived in my dorm.

Micah: I thought you were going to say to shower.

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Andrew: Once a week I’d go home to shower. [laughs] And I didn’t like my roommate much. Okay, so this next voicemail is from Quinn about Barty Crouch, Jr.

[Voicemail plays]

“Hey, MuggleCast, just want to say I’m having a ton of fun going through Goblet of Fire again. I think this is definitely becoming my favorite book only in the sense… and I know a constant message in your guys’s stuff is like, ‘Oh, this book was rushed,’ but I think the one big thing that is making it really fun to read again is seeing all the interactions of Barty Crouch, Jr., of Fakey as Moody, and seeing how he plays with that and then how much he’s becoming Moody/him underneath the persona, the mask, and how he influences Harry, and how he plays with the former Death Eaters at the school. And I think a super fun interaction on [page] 258 is when he sees him for the first time – I just got done reading Chapter 16 and listening to your guys’s episode on Chapter 16 – I think it’s really fun when Karkaroff sees Moody for the first time at Hogwarts, and it says there’s a terrible look of fury and fear that comes over him, and he goes, ‘You!’ And obviously it’s because he saw Moody, who was a powerful Auror and probably was a pain in his ass when everything was coming through when Karkaroff was accused of being a Death Eater, all that kind of stuff. But I can imagine the joy that Barty Crouch, Jr. also feels of seeing the fury and fear come over him, and I mean, especially the fear of have him seeing himself and then being Barty Crouch, Jr. and realizing just how upset he is at Karkaroff for defecting and seeing the fear of seeing him. I’m sure that gave him a little bit of joy underneath it all. That whole underlying bits of writing and tidbits to the Goblet of Fire through a secondary reading, I think that’s what’s making it super fun for me, and I think it’s turning it into my favorite book of the series.”

[Voicemail ends]

Andrew: Yeah, I think one of the benefits of doing this deep dive reread is that we do get to experience those moments together and pick up on the little things that we did miss the first time, the second time, but I think another element here is… I think, Micah, you said it’s been a really long time since you’ve read Goblet of Fire; I know that’s the same case for me as well. We’re discovering a lot of things that I think we may have completely forgotten.

Micah: Oh, absolutely. I don’t think I’ve read Goblet of Fire since 2010? Is that the last time that we did Chapter by Chapter?

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Wow.

Micah: No, I’m being serious.

Andrew: No, no, I know. I think you’re right; whenever the last Chapter by Chapter reread was, that’s the last time I read it too.

Eric: The other element is that the mystery is big enough, and this book has twice the page count of previous books, but so much of the mystery is actually directly in conversation in front of Harry. Harry is witnessing it, but he’s distracted. It’s a new way of giving the clues, I think, than had previously been done before by the author. There are always hidden breadcrumbs in sentences here and there, like Bertha Jorkins missing, but then other times…

Micah: Or Crouch. Wasn’t there a reference to Crouch, like, “The first task was crouching forward”? Or something along those lines.

Andrew: Something like that.

Micah: We referenced in a previous episode.

Eric: Yeah, but I’m saying even in “Rita Skeeter’s Scoop” to be like, “Oh, Rita Skeeter is buzzing about,” that phrase and all of that, and then moments later, Rita Skeeter does come in. And it’s like, okay, it just… it’s all in your face, the mystery and… yeah.

Micah: It is. We actually have a really great email a little bit later on, which asks us about our favorite mysteries in Harry Potter, and I think this could easily be one of those. And the writing is so good; there are so many little detective stories for you to figure out within the Harry Potter series. And the fact that you can read Goblet of Fire through the lens of both Barty Crouch, Jr. and Mad-Eye Moody as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, and it works on both levels, is really cool.

Laura: I’ll also say you have great taste, because Goblet of Fire is my favorite book.

Andrew: Yeah, I think we’re too hard on it sometimes by calling it rushed.

Laura: I agree.

Andrew: I don’t read it and get the feeling that it was rushed. I don’t. I know Rowling said that she was rushed, but I don’t think it comes off that way.

Eric: The movie does, but that’s another story.

Andrew: Yes, true.

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: All right. Well, those are our voicemails. We have lots of emails to get to. If you want to call in, you can record a voice memo on your phone and send that to MuggleCast@gmail.com. Just keep your message about a minute long, please, and try to record in a quiet spot. We prefer you record using the Voice Memo app on your phone because it’s going to be higher quality than our phone number. If you want to use that, it’s 1-920-3-MUGGLE. 1-920-368-4453.


Muggle Mail: Emails


Andrew: Okay, time for some emails. This first one is from Liz on Cedric’s help with the second task. Oh no, we’re doing it again! Oh no, oh no. [laughs]

Micah: Just get it out of the way, Andrew. Come on.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: It’ll be gone for the rest of the episode once you do it.

Andrew: Woo! It’s a good topic. Don’t get me wrong.

Micah: Clearly. [laughs]

Andrew: It’s just that we’ve spent three weeks on it.

“Hey,” says Liz, “Here are my unsolicited thoughts on Cedric’s clue: I think Cedric’s clue was vague because 1) he wants to win the tournament, and 2) solving the riddle of the egg was part of the task. Harry told Cedric about the dragons because he doesn’t care about winning the tournament and because he has a savior complex, but the action of discovering the dragons wasn’t a part of the first task in the way that discovering the egg riddle is actually a portion of the second task. If Cedric just came out and told Harry how to discover the egg riddle, he would’ve been doing the work for Harry. Cedric’s a nice guy and is definitely sympathetic toward Harry, which is why he gives Harry a clue in the first place, but he entered the tournament to win it. That’s my two cents. Love y’all, Liz (your fellow Scorpio Slytherin).”

Micah: As Laura likes to say, multiple things can be true, and both what Karin said and what’s being said in this email by Liz, it makes sense.

Laura: Definitely.

Eric: Yeah, and let’s not forget Cedric Diggory is the Hufflepuff champion of Hogwarts. Hufflepuffs value hard work, so it fits with Cedric’s own value to give Harry… I mean, I think a trap of that is you think all people are like you, especially because the people he’s mostly around are probably also Hufflepuffs. It might be his second nature to give Harry a clue that has an extra component to it, because maybe he thinks Harry finds puzzles as satisfying as he does. Something like that.

Micah: And I think Liz brings up a really great point that we forget: Cedric probably wants to win this thing, and as much as he feels maybe a bit obligated to help Harry, at the end of the day, he wants to be the champion. That’s why he put his name in in the first place. This guy’s a competitor. Come on. No participation trophies.

Eric: Yeah. Well, it’s hard to imagine Harry going to the bathroom and coming out empty handed with the egg after Cedric’s clue, but I look forward to actually…

Laura: True.

Micah: Well, that’s why Moaning Myrtle is there, right?

Eric: Yeah, yeah, that’s true.

Micah: Well, that was the second task. We got a couple of emails on the first task. And actually, Eric, I’m going to ask you to read yours after I’m done reading mine, because they both have to do with the dragon being imported. And this first one is from Rufus, who says:

“Hiya, MuggleCast! I’m here to talk about the dragon selections for the first task. Now, y’all have seemed to assume that the Hungarian Horntail…”

I think it was only really me.

“… was the new dragon brought in because of a fourth competitor being involved. Now, I think this isn’t the case, because why in Merlin’s name would you bring in a dangerous dragon, which is inherently harder to take care of, as a spare or extra? I personally believe that one of the other dragons could have been brought in, most likely the Welsh Green as it would be closer to the host location than Sweden, China, or Hungary (the native locations of the other three dragons). It just makes more logical sense as a spare dragon, honestly. Love to hear your thoughts on this! Rufus the 14-year-old, a.k.a. ‘Voldemort Said ‘Its Horcruxing Time’ and started Horcruxing all over the place.'”

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: That’s a new way to get your Quizzitch names in, is to sign off as them.

[Micah laughs]

Laura: Man, identity revealed.

Eric: Yeah, yeah.

Micah: But we also heard from Jerri on this.

Eric: Jerri, yes. So very similar topic.

“Ahoy, y’all! In response to the Chapter by Chapter about the first task, there was speculation about which dragon was the ‘extra’ added when Harry became the 4th champion. In the chapter ‘The Other Minister’ at the beginning of Half-Blood Prince, the Muggle Prime Minister remembers his previous encounters with Fudge, the Minister for Magic. In one of these, Fudge had popped in to mention that the wizards would be ‘importing three dragons and one sphinx’ for the Triwizard event, since the rules required notification of the Muggle Prime Minister before the importation of dangerous creatures/beasts. Therefore, I have always assumed that the Common Welsh Green was the extra dragon, since it is a British dragon and thus wouldn’t have needed to be ‘imported,’ already living in the most remote portion of the mountains of Wales.”

Eric: You guys, they solved it! Our listeners have solved this.

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: We’ve got to do it. We’ve got to declare canon. I think this has been cracked.

[“I declare canon!” sound effect plays with thunder]

Laura: It’s been a long time since we got to use that.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: It’s almost a re-declaration of canon because Jerri found it right in Half-Blood Prince. If only we had been in Book 6.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Well, and again, this idea of tracking the countries that they came from; it definitely… Rufus also right on the ball with that. That’s just really cool.

Micah: Yeah, Rufus lobbed it up and Jerri just hit it right out of the park.

Andrew: Teamwork. Dream work.

Laura: Please never say that again.

Andrew: Why?

Eric: Teamwork, dream work?

Laura: Teamwork, dream work.

Micah: [laughs] It’s such corporate lingo.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Yeah, Micah knows what I’m talking about. [laughs]

Andrew: And sorry to the Welsh Green for being called the spare today. We still love you all the same.

Eric: Aww.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: “Kill the spare.” That’s coming later.

Andrew: “Kill the green spare.”

Eric: Yeah, now the question is why at all is the Hungarian Horntail the third dragon that they bring in? [laughs] It’s so much more overpowered. All of our questions about how absurd that is stand.

Laura: So this is from Bev about poor Winky. Bev says,

“Hi, y’all. Just listened to the latest episode and a thought occurred to me. Given Winky’s reaction in the chapter, I wondered if she has PTSD? You suggested that she had everything taken away from her when Barty Crouch sacked her. For her, that could have felt like abuse. I’m guessing elves feel things pretty intensely (see also her reaction to butterbeer), so the shock and trauma of no longer having what to her would have been a wholly respectable job and the trauma of what all her elf relatives would say must have been awful.”

I think that’s well said.

Andrew: I think so too.

Micah: Definitely. Yeah, we talked about that when we saw her in the kitchens, how just completely distraught she is. And that has so much to do with her relationship to Barty Crouch, Sr. and that family, and she’s kind of going through the motions, unfortunately, and I think it is a form of PTSD.

Eric: Yeah, and she can’t even properly grieve because there’s still things that she can’t reveal that happened. She’s still honor bound to not talk about Barty Crouch, Jr. even existing, and so I think what’s really making the trauma worse is her inability to really call it out and process it because right now it’s still being suppressed and ignored.

Andrew: And I think most people can relate to being evicted from your home. She spent all this time living there, and then to be kicked out, that alone is tough to move on from. And then there’s just the other issue of the family, no longer being with the family. It’s a lot.

Eric: I was going to say, I’m hoping most of us can’t relate to being evicted from our homes, but I totally understand.

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: Sorry, I have not been evicted; I misspoke. I was trying to say that most people can relate to that moment when you leave your home after growing up there, after spending so much time there.

Laura: I think certainly everyone can relate to how we would feel if we found ourselves in that circumstance. And I mean, God, I’ve definitely been at points in my life where my income was a little more scarce and I was kind of operating month to month, sometimes week to week, and having that question in your mind about like, “Am I going to be able to afford rent this month?” is scary enough. So I think in that regard, I can understand what Bev is saying and what Andrew is saying.

Micah: And the sheer shame that she has to feel, not just from her own relatives, as Bev mentions, but from the larger house-elf community, I think she feels judged. You have Dobby who seemingly could care less what anybody thinks of him, and at the other end of the spectrum you have Winky, who just… it’s a lot for her right now.

Andrew: Yeah. Well, you know what else sucks at Hogwarts? No Quidditch.

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Andrew: And Ty wrote in about that…

Micah: Dumbledore? I’m sorry.

Andrew: No. Ty said,

“Hello, MuggleCast. Every time I read the Goblet of Fire, I have the same thought that if I was a student at Hogwarts this year, I would be pretty disappointed that Quidditch was canceled. What about all those students that missed out on playing, especially if it was their last year there? The tournament was so spread out that it seemed silly to cancel. I can see that the first challenge would have been exciting to watch, but the other two would have been such a bore. You see the champions enter the water and an hour later they emerge, and the same with the maze. It would have been such a let down to be a spectator. Itā€™s not like they had a Jumbotron to see the action in the water or maze. This was not a year to be a sports fan at Hogwarts!”

I agree with that, Ty.

Micah: Tell it like it is, Ty.

Laura: Agreed.

Andrew: Well, and he mentioned that the space between the challenges… it’s what, four months between challenge one and two? It’s a ton of time. That’s probably a whole season of Quidditch.

Micah: Unfortunately, I think we know the real reason why it wasn’t included; it just would have been too much.

Eric: The author hates it.

Andrew: And this book was rushed. I hate that about this book.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: If it wasn’t rushed, she would have remembered Quidditch.

Eric: I love the idea that the Triwizard Tournament, though, as is pointed out, is spread out across the entire year, so there’s really no excuse. That’s hilarious. Unless they’re growing the maze.

Andrew: Ohh.

Laura: I think they are.

Micah: And these are actually really great points. They are, you’re right.

Eric: Well, if they’re growing… yeah, but then again, Quidditch can be played above the hedge maze. Harry is not going to be up there on his broom memorizing which way to turn in the maze down below. Or if he is, at least Cedric could too.

Andrew: If you fell off your broom on the Quidditch pitch, the maze plants would catch you.

Eric: Yeah, and they would not let go.

Micah: I really, though, like the points that were brought up about the fact that the second and third tasks really have no… you can’t really have visibility into what’s going on like you could with the first task, and how boring that must be for anybody who is just hanging around, trying to get excited.

Laura: I mean, they have the Hogwarts band, at least in the movie lore. [laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, true. I guess the excitement just stems from seeing who’s going to pop out first. The anticipation around that is worth it, if I’m really looking for an answer.

Micah: The next email comes from Mary, who wants to talk about Ron’s behavior, and she says,

“Ahoy, y’all. Iā€™m here to partly defend 14-year-old Ron Weasley. I think as an adult rereading the books, you become more separated from the teen feelings and hormones. Ron is an insecure boy going through puberty, and yes, he does mess up, but I wonder if he even recognizes if he likes Hermione at this point in the series? He just realized she is a girl! Does he know these feelings heā€™s feeling are jealousy? Plus, even if he does realize that, it must be incredibly confusing on so many levels. To tell her and her not return the feelings? Which, with his insecurity Iā€™m sure he would assume that. Or to give it a try and it not work out and the trio be forever changed? I donā€™t know any 14-year-old who would handle this gracefully. Love ya, bye.”

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Agree.

Andrew: Yeah, this is all very well said.

Laura: Yeah. I mean, we especially see that Ron does have that insecurity in Book 7 when we get to see his greatest fears, and one of them is that Hermione would choose Harry over him. So that might have been manifesting as early as this book, and he might not have been fully conscious of it.

Eric: Yeah, and I do agree that as rotten as Ron’s actions are in this book, he is more responsible for his actions in Book 7 when he’s a lot older. Our next message comes from Jeremy about fourth year lessons at Hogwarts:

“G’day, MuggleCast! My name is Jeremy and I’m 13 years old.”

A lot of young’uns on this one, Micah.

“I’ve just had a question about Goblet of Fire. Do the Durmstrang and Beauxbatons do lessons with the Hogwarts students, and if they do, could they have different learning styles? Because Draco says they heavily work on the Dark Arts at Durmstrang. Did Dumbledore bring Mad-Eye Moody in for this reason as well? And if they don’t do lessons, then the Hogwarts professors could help Harry and Cedric with the tasks. Love to hear what you say. Love the show, Jeremy.”

Interesting question.

Andrew: So I don’t think they do go through classes at Hogwarts, right?

Laura: No, I don’t think so.

Andrew: We know that they stay in their respective quarters outside of the castle, which I found strange too. These poor kids have to spend their time at Hogwarts back in the Durmstrang ship, or the Beauxbatons carriages?

Eric: Yeah, except for mealtimes. Yeah, only coming out at mealtimes.

Andrew: And what are they doing the rest of the time?

Eric: Maybe they’re getting direct tutelage from the heads of school. But even then, I think the reason that this is less of a problem than it could be is that isn’t Hogwarts’s seventh year sort of seen as optional? So by that logic, these are all 17-year-olds that are competing; it’s only 20 of them, so the majority of the student body is doing normal lessons and then these representatives have elected to kind of have one of those gap year or a year abroad that’s not going to be as informative educationally, but be informative culturally.

Laura: That’s kind of what I was wondering. I agree with that, Eric.

Micah: You also don’t know what classes they take back at their respective schools that may have nothing to do with what Hogwarts teaches its students. I mean, presumably there’s some level of overlap, but there are probably other courses that Durmstrang and Beauxbatons take that Hogwarts doesn’t.

Andrew: And by this logic, they might not even have seven years at their respective schools.

Micah: That’s true too.

Andrew: It could be five. It could be eight.

Laura: Folks in the Discord are wondering if Durmstrang and Beauxbatons students would take NEWTs, or if NEWTs are a UK/Hogwarts only thing.

Eric: Ohh.

Laura: I don’t know if stuff like that would be international. You know what I mean? Graduation exams, that kind of seems like it would be… they of course obviously have their own, and I wonder if Fleur, for her if this is her graduation exam; she doesn’t have to take one.

Micah: Win the damn tournament.

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Laura: And then she doesn’t and they’re like, “Sorry, you have to repeat the year.” But yeah, I would imagine that each school would have their own.

Andrew: Their own version of it, like America has the SATs.

Eric: Right, they take the ACT over at Beauxbatons, the [in a French accent] Academique Certification Training.

Micah: And just the part about bringing in Mad-Eye Moody, I think it just has more to do with the fact that you have somebody like Karkaroff who’s going to be at Hogwarts, and the fact that they need somebody to fill the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor role.

Eric: Yeah, but I do like that train of thought of you get an edgier DADA teacher than it turns out you’ll ever have for a year where we’re intermixing with some hardcore students.

Laura: Moving on to our next email, this one is from Pamela on Goblet of Fire‘s giant plot hole. Uh-oh. I’m about to be put to the test here since I just said Goblet of Fire is my favorite book. Pamela says,

“Ahoy, y’all! As much as I love Goblet of Fire, I always have trouble with its gigantic plot hole. The entire book is an extremely elaborate lead up to just getting Harry to grasp a Portkey. Impersonation and abduction of an Auror, setting Harry up to win, but making it look natural, all this going on for months under Dumbledore’s nose is so much more risky than having a person just hand Harry the disguised Portkey in his first week of school. It all just seems poorly thought out. Am I missing something here?”

[Laura laughs]

Micah: Well, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the book was rushed.

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Andrew: It’s about the journey, Pamela, not about the destination. Think about the friends we made and lost along the way. Think of the stories within.

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Laura: I mean, it’s a fair observation, I guess. One thing you could argue is that Voldemort needed the timing to be right; we know that he had to be strengthened to a point where he could actually receive Harry’s blood, and they had to at some point go dig his dad up to get one of those bones, so it took them a while. And I think part of it, too, was needing to get Harry away from the school and away from Dumbledore long enough to carry out the mission without necessarily arising suspicion, and I think the maze is the perfect way to do that because if nobody is seeing Harry, they’re just assuming he’s in the maze and it’s taking him a long time to get through.

Eric: Oh, wow. So the glaring flaw of “Audiences can’t see the champions compete…”

[Laura laughs]

Eric: … is utilized, is so widely known that that’s what the bad guy plans for.

Micah: Yeah, it’s amazing.

Eric: Literally there’s going to be this two-hour section where no one’s going to be able to see Harry Potter, even who are looking for him, so this is a perfect time.

Micah: Yeah. And Laura, you made me recall also that Voldemort needed his milk. I would also just add that I think what was important too was that Voldemort be able to have somebody like Barty Crouch, Jr. at Hogwarts to get a better picture of the overall landscape and to maybe even do some detective work himself to figure out who is loyal, who is not loyal, right? You have Snape at Hogwarts, you have Karkaroff at Hogwarts, and there’s probably some other players that he wants information on. And you’re talking about somebody in disguise who has direct access to Dumbledore; I mean, what better informant could you have in this situation than Barty Crouch, Jr.? So I think it works on multiple levels. So yeah, the book could have been over in half a page if we just gave Harry the Portkey, but… sorry.

Andrew: [laughs] And we’d have way less Chapter by Chapter episodes to do for this book as well.

Micah: That’s true too.

Eric: It’d be a true loss. I love sort of reverse engineering book plots, in any book…

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Eric: … and just seeing if it were… especially mysteries, seeing if it really holds up, and this one less so than others.

Micah: Like if Snape just revealed his Half-Blood Prince tattoo on page 1.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Next email is from Jessica on [imitating Voldemort] splitting the soul:

“Hey guys, super long time fan! I feel like I’ve grown up with you guys, even though I’ve never met you.”

Aw.

“I was addicted to MuggleNet as a teenager (I’m now 35) and now I absolutely love your podcast! I had some thoughts based on your discussion about Horcruxes and murder ripping your soul.”

[laughs] Murder ripping your soul, okay.

“I do not think your soul is split every single time you murder. When Snape and Dumbledore are discussing who will kill him, Dumbledore tells Snape that only he can decide if helping an old man will harm his soul. This leads me to believe that the intention behind a murder is what splits the soul. Also, the spell says it has to be a supreme act of evil. I don’t think all murder should be considered a ‘supreme’ act of evil. Not that murder is ever good, obviously, but I think there are different levels. For example, plotting to kill an innocent baby, versus a blackout crime of passion or an accident due to neglect or self-defense. I think one is significantly more evil than the others. Just food for thought. You guys are amazing and I hope you realize how much joy you bring to people’s lives. Thanks, Jessica.”

Well, thank you, Jessica. That’s really sweet.

Eric: Aw. Yeah, I do think there’s a difference between killing and murder, and one splits the soul and one doesn’t necessarily, but I think it’s risky in how it’s presented, because you’re talking about human killing human, and we don’t know what that effect is on lesser sentient beings, but presumably… yeah, so I think there would be fluctuations and stuff. But I will say, Voldemort still would be the record holder on how many times his soul was split, even if it’s not every time he kills.

Laura: Oh, yeah.

Micah: As far as we know, yeah. I think this was possibly a Muggle Mail in response to our last Goblet of Fire Muggle Mail episode…

Eric: Oh, nice.

Micah: … but was also a response to our discussion around Mad-Eye Moody and him teaching the Unforgivable Curses to the students, and whether or not him killing that spider is actually a act of evil or if it in any way impacts his soul.

Laura: Justin in our Discord wants to know, “What about the Order killing Death Eaters?”

Andrew: Well, I think the intention there is good. It’s in a way self-defense.

Eric: Yeah, but I do think some of their souls will be maimed from it, because even if it’s pure, there can’t be an impartial judge to judge that. It has to be a…

Micah: Do we…? I mean, I’m assuming it’s happened, but do we ever get an example where a member of the Order or an Auror kills a Death Eater?

Eric and Laura: Molly.

Micah: Oh, yeah.

Eric: And I think that even in defense, I think that would split or cause a crack in her soul’s foundation.

Andrew: I guess that could be an interesting thing to explore in the TV series, the impact that killing somebody, conducting an Unforgivable Curse, the impact that would have on you if you’re a good person, on the good side.

Eric: Yeah. And I think it’s worth noting, too, that so many people on earth could walk around with these fractured or split souls and just never really notice it; it’s when you’re going to create a Horcrux that you’re harnessing essentially one of those fragments that it makes a difference at all. I’m sure plenty of people with split souls, fractured souls – whatever, for whatever reason – don’t know it, or will never notice any difference in how they live their life. But when you’re somebody like Voldemort, you very much are counting on it, and exploiting how unnatural you’ve been.

Micah: It makes me wonder – and I don’t know if we’ve ever asked this question on the show – could Harry have created a Horcrux when killing Voldemort? Or is that more self-defense?

Eric: That boy can’t even do a Cruciatus Curse.

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Laura: That’s true.

Micah: Yeah, he killed him with Expelliarmus, so I guess that really doesn’t count. [laughs] All right, well, our next couple of emails are somewhat non-Goblet of Fire-related, but still good nonetheless, and the next one comes from Kayce talking about the depiction of female characters, and she says,

“Hey, y’all! I just finished listening to the latest Girls Takeover episode, and while the Chapter by Chapter episodes are what brought me to MuggleCast last year and made me fall in love with the podcast, I have to say that the type of discussion the Girls Takeover episodes bring to the show are so impactful and great to listen to. One thing I thought of while listening that might shed some light on how the female characters are written in the Harry Potter series is the choice the author makes to write under the name of J.K. Rowling instead of Joanne Kathleen Rowling. I know Iā€™ve read in the past that this choice was made and encouraged by her publishers to make it less obvious that the author was a woman; at the time, the fantasy genre was so male-dominated that they felt the books would sell better if people didnā€™t immediately know the author was female. Rowling also chose a male name in Robert Galbraith as her pen name for writing some of her non-Harry Potter-related books. I think it says a lot that she continues to use male-leaning names in what seems to be an effort to give her writing more clout, and when looking at the books, I think that feeling that men are more capable can be seen in the way many of the characters are written. Would love to hear your thoughts, Kayce.”

Laura: Thank you so much for your kind words about the Girls Takeover episodes, by the way. We’ve really loved doing them, and we’re planning to do more of them. Actually, the next one we do, we’re hoping to do a Girls Takeover Chapter by Chapter episode, so we’ll get to take a crack at going through a chapter. But yeah, I think you definitely raise a really relevant example just with the author’s pen name. I remember – and we talked about this a little bit on the girls ep, so I won’t go into it too much – but I remember as a girl reading these books, assuming that the author was male, and also assuming that only boys were into Harry Potter. I felt really weird because I didn’t see other girls my age who were super into Harry Potter; it only seemed like it was boys, and you look at the fandom now and it’s not that at all, especially people who are as rabid about the wizarding world as we are. You get into a lot of these spaces and they’re mostly women and gender nonbinary people and so on, so it’s just funny the way that our perception at the outset was one thing, and the reality has turned out to be something quite different. And yeah, I mean, we go into it a lot on the Girls Takeover eps, but there are a lot of ways in which the depictions of female characters in Harry Potter leave something to be desired. On the other hand, though, I think there are some really positive and powerful representations, too, but you could read some self-loathing into the way that…

Eric: Or internal misogyny too?

Laura: Yeah, into the way that women are written in these books. Absolutely. But it’s unfortunately common to internalize misogyny in that way; this author wouldn’t be the first to have done it, that’s for sure.

Micah: And it’s important to remember when the series was first written – and Kayce references it – but yeah, J.K. Rowling was told by her publishers to use her first two initials so that her name would be essentially… I don’t know what the right word is, but…

Andrew: It wouldn’t be a woman’s name.

Micah: Well, yeah, I mean…

Eric: In case of bias people would give it?

Micah: Yeah, the publishers wanted it such that the book would also appeal to boys, and the feeling was that if it was a woman’s name on the cover of the book, that the likelihood that the story would appeal to young boys to be interested in picking up the book would be less.

Andrew: And isn’t that interesting when it’s called Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone?

Micah: Right. [laughs]

Eric: Yep. The other thing about this, thinking about when it was written, is there was no Internet and nobody like J.K. Rowling had been that much of a high prolific author the way that she became quickly. So as soon as people knew J.K. Rowling through Harry Potter, it became… this was the woman that was on food stamps and on welfare that became the single mom; you couldn’t escape the fact that J.K. Rowling was actually a woman a few years later because of the Internet. But it’s funny because it started out as this secret, or “Let’s not tell everybody,” but that’s one of the best things that she’s known for, even under J.K. Rowling just a few books later.

Micah: And one of the things that I find to be most fascinating is the fact that she chose to write under the pen name Robert Galbraith when doing some other series. And there’s a whole lot to dive into there – we won’t do it here – but I just feel like the fact that she almost went back to the way that… she could’ve course corrected; she could have written under a female pen name. She chose not to do that. I don’t even know why she would feel the need to write under a pen name. But anyway, this is a conversation for another time.

Andrew: [laughs] Well, that… you’re talking about Robert Galbraith?

Micah: Yeah.

Andrew: Well, that I understand, because she wanted to have the experience of publishing a book without the attention of being the J.K. Rowling, because even just think about how big a deal… now, this was her first post-Potter novel, but it was a big deal when she published The Casual Vacancy, because it was that first one and there was a lot of extra attention on her. So I get that. I mean, for all we know, there could be another book out there that’s been published, and she secretly wrote it, but it just hasn’t leaked like Cormoran Strike did.

Micah: It could have also been The Casual Vacancy hit so hard with some people that she was like, “Oh, boy.” [laughs]

Eric: She could never write under that name in this town again!

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: All right, well, we have some more emails to wrap up today’s episode, but first we’re going to take one more break. We’ll be right back.

[Ad break]

Micah: Eric, this next one was made for you.

Eric: I think you’re right, Micah. This one comes from Kinsey on Sirius Black’s family reaction to his imprisonment:

“Ahoy, humans! Iā€™m a Slytherin, by the way. I was just wondering about something. When or if the Black family heard of Sirius being sent to Azkaban, how do you think they would have reacted? They know Sirius would not actually have been truly loyal to Voldemort, so were they proud, or like, ‘Well, thatā€™s karma for ya!'”

[Andrew laughs]

“Love to hear your thoughts about that. I love this show because it helps make homework and chores actually possible.”

Eric: Thanks, Kinsey. You know, what’s funny about thinking about Sirius Black’s family at the time he went to Azkaban is that Bellatrix, his cousin, his first cousin, was more than likely on the same prison transport bus with him…

[Micah laughs]

Eric: … because she was arrested for the Frank and Alice Longbottom tortures that happened the same night that the Potters were killed, so… I don’t think Sirius had any family members that were alive; his brother Regulus had been killed by Voldemort probably months before, and it’s unknown about his parents. But it’s a fascinating thought. Narcissa definitely was still around and was free, and it’s interesting to think what she would think about Sirius Black, but the Dark Lord kept all his cards pretty close to his vest, only telling certain Death Eaters about certain things, so maybe she did assume as everyone else did that Sirius Black really was guilty.

Micah: That’s so interesting. I could literally see Mrs. Black – if she were still around, to your point, Eric – just if she was ever interviewed by reporters being like, “Pfft, they definitely have the wrong guy.”

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: All right, our next email comes from Jessie, and this is going to demand a little bit of creativity on our part, so I hope y’all are ready.

Eric: Uh-oh.

Laura: Jessie is writing about wizarding world careers. Jessie says,

“Ahoy, y’all! I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while, but recently catching up Chapter by Chapter and hearing a conversation about jobs in the wizarding world made me take the leap. I want to know, if you could have any job in the wizarding world, what would it be? Since we only know of like, five of them that exist, let’s assume you get to/have to make one up. Mine would be a Muggle Liaison for Hogwarts. Job duties would include:

– Be a point of contact between Muggle families and Hogwarts for things like getting to and from school when term starts and ends, communicating to their students without magic, and answering questions.

– Running a seminar for first year Muggle-born students to help them acclimate to Hogwarts and the wizarding world (since not everyone gets Hagrid as a tour guide).

– Help sixth and seventh year students who want to work in or in tandem with the Muggle world. Help them learn Muggle money, find a place to live, use public transportation, use Muggle communication devices, etc.”

Laura: I think Arthur Weasley could use this kind of tutoring, it sounds like.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

“- Overall, be a resource where students can come learn, hang out, or ask questions outside of their Muggle Studies classes. I picture my office having bean bags, a TV with Netflix, and some Oreos for kids to come hang out when they need a little taste of home.

What would your wizarding world job be? I’m dying to know. Thank you for continuing this amazing show. I was afraid Chapter by Chapter wouldn’t be for me because I really struggle to find time to actually read lately, but this makes me feel like I can still relive all the books again and make good use of my 20 or so hours per week in the car. Peace and love.”

Andrew: Wow.

Micah: Peace and love.

Andrew: Well, we’re happy to help you pass the time. And I think with Chapter by Chapter, you don’t have to read the chapters while listening to MuggleCast because I feel like we give enough context in these Chapter by Chapter discussions, but if you want to, that’s great. It certainly can add a lot, I’m sure. Okay, so I have a job that I would like.

Micah: Oh, good for you.

Andrew: Yes. Now, it is one that we already know about. [laughs] “Good for you.” I would like to be a bartender at the Hog’s Head.

Eric: Oh, that’s so good!

Andrew: I know it can be a lot of work to bartend, but just imagine the types of people you would see coming into the bar, looking to blow off some steam after their long day of traveling, and they’re recalling the bizarre, fantastic beasts that they encountered or the wizards that they tussled with. I think you’d hear a lot of great stories and meet a lot of interesting characters. Plus, you’d get to come up with fun drink ideas for the bar’s menu. You just think there’s got to be endless possibilities, especially what if you started putting magic into the drink somehow?

Eric: I’ve got to say, Aberforth would probably be a bad boss, though. You’d probably have to start out doing the work nobody else wants, like goat herder.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: And you’d eventually have to get to bartending.

Andrew: Herding them into Aberforth’s bedroom, which would raise some questions.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Every time they break out, you have to go round them up.

Micah: Oh, wow.

Andrew: But yeah, I think it’d be a lot of fun doing trivia nights at the bar, karaoke nights…

Eric: Okay, all of that sounds amazing.

Micah: Ooh, karaoke? Yeah.

Eric: I would be your worst patron. I would come and say hello every day; I’d be like, “How’s it going?” [laughs]

Andrew: “Oh, Eric wants the usual. He wants the double Firewhisky.”

Micah: I would actually like to be a brewmaster…

Andrew: Ohh.

Micah: … and make wizarding world beer and go around and deliver it to… well, first stop, Andrew, your pub, of course. What are you going to call your pub, by the way?

Andrew: Well, I said I’d work at the Hog’s Head, but hold on. Let me consult ChatGPT for some ideas.

Micah: Okay.

Laura: [laughs] Oh my God.

Micah: But I just think it would be cool to travel to all these different wizarding world locations and see pubs in all different countries and cities. Maybe not countries, but cities. Although, I could do countries; I could Apparate or find a way to get the beer to come along with me.

Andrew: Well, Micah, I heard – and by heard, I mean I saw on our shared Google calendar – that you’re going to be going to Scotland in a few weeks, so maybe you can start your research at that time.

Micah: Oh, maybe. Yeah.

Laura: It’s very exciting.

Micah: Do you want me to find a place for you?

Andrew: Yes, please find me a nice meadow to build in.

Micah: And some goats?

Andrew: [laughs] Some goats.

Eric: They all have fun creature names like the Prancing Pony or Gilded Dragon.

Andrew: These Chat GPT suggestions aren’t the best. The Phoenix Feather Pub, Hogsmeade Hideaway, the Wandering Wand Inn. I actually like that one.

Laura and Micah: Oooh.

Micah: Where does the wand wander?

Andrew: [laughs] The Whomping Willow Wine Bar. ChatGPT just loves alliteration.

Eric: I think I have a new friend in ChatGPT.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Just don’t ask it to write your college admissions essays.

Andrew: Yes.

Laura: The colleges are onto y’all. Don’t do it. [laughs]

Eric: Similarly to, I guess, Micah’s being sort of independently employed or the head of something, I do think one of my favorite wizarding world careers that we know about is a proprietor of a shop, say like Diagon Alley, and I am about to admit something very Slytherin to you all for the first time – it’s kind of a big deal – I actually like how Borgin and Burke operates.

Andrew: Whoa.

Eric: I don’t enjoy the subject matter and peripheral details about what they sell, but I love the idea of wizarding world artifacts, essentially employing somebody like Tom Riddle, who’s a basically Indiana Jones archaeologist, goes out, gets these things, and they all have a magical history, and then to bring them into the shop and be able to curate what’s on display. There might be more stuff in the back. So what I’m saying is I would run a Borgin and Burke shop without the Dark stuff, without the artifacts, if we can help it, that are stolen from other cultures, but just have a shop where it’s curiosities that have a non-sinister but robust magical backstory and the curiosities cabinets… cabinet of curiosities? Wait, that’s from something else. That would be what I would do.

Micah: That was Guillermo del Toro, wasn’t it?

Eric: I think it was. I didn’t watch it.

Laura: Yeah, it was. You should; Rupert Grint is in it. He was very good.

Eric: Hey!

Micah: Oh, yeah, that’s right.

Eric: I’m behind on my Rupert watching. I haven’t watched the Shyamalan film yet. Laura, what would you do?

Laura: I would want to be some kind of interpreter for the Ministry, and the way that I would imagine that working is that I could be an interpreter for either magical folk who are new to the country or for magical creatures who have fallen upon hard times and need some kind of representation because they don’t speak the language. I’m super nerdy and into all things linguistics, so just from a pure interest point of view, I would love to be able to spend my time dusting up my proficiency in a number of different languages so that I could help people. But also, I would probably end up interpreting in some trials, and y’all know that I love true crime, so I feel like I would get to marry three of the things that I love the most – which is the wizarding world, languages, and true crime – all in the same space. It would be perfect.

Eric: Man.

Andrew: Perfect, yeah. And we have another question from a listener: This is from Daniel on your favorite Harry Potter mystery.

“Ahoy, y’all!”

And by the way, I have just while we’ve been recording today removed the “Ahoy, y’all” line from the contact form. It was fun.

[Micah laughs]

Laura: Oh, why?

Eric: It was time. It was time for something else.

Andrew: It was time. We’ll figure out something else.

Micah: We need a new one.

Laura: Yeah, we’ll get a new one.

Andrew: [continues reading]

“I love hearing the Slug Club patrons, especially the recent one with the girl who does a book club.”

That would be Liza.

“I was in one once and we read Where the Crawdads Sing. It was a fun mystery, which brings me to my questions. What is your favorite mystery plot line in Harry Potter? Did you solve it, and if so, what clues led you to it? Reading back it feels so obvious on some, but they do have some red herrings to distract us.”

So they’re talking about mysteries in the book that were then solved by the end of the book. I really liked the Chamber of Secrets one, because the fact that this snake was under the school and quietly Petrifying students was terrifying! It was just this lingering onsite threat. Now, did I figure it out? I have no clue.

Eric: Oh, none of the mysteries that I even pondered, I was like… no, I didn’t solve any of them before it was revealed in the book, but I still have my favorites. And specifically to that one, Andrew, the way in which the students were Petrified and not killed hid the identity of the beast that was doing; it was like, “So-and-so saw it through Nearly Headless Nick, so-and-so had his mirror…” that kind of thing. That’s what I love the most about that, is it’s so detailed and so methodical and happenstance that it was really fun. Yeah, for me, just the mystery of Sirius Black, what really happened and how he’s getting into the castle kind of just has… there’s a lot of mysteries that get wrapped up in Book 3, so I’m just going to say all of them, but essentially surrounding Sirius. Big surprise.

Micah: For me, with Prisoner of Azkaban being my favorite book, it was definitely the Marauders reveal, and just the way that that was all… slowly you receive breadcrumbs, even as early as Sorcerer’s Stone with Sirius and the motorbike and the introduction of Scabbers and the fact that he was this rat that’s just been there the whole time, and all of a sudden at the end of Prisoner of Azkaban, you get this huge reveal.

Laura: Yeah, I mean, obviously with Goblet of Fire being my favorite book, a lot of my favorites come from this book. I love how everything was hidden in plain sight, but because there was so much going on and there were so many red herrings, it was really hard to figure out, and honestly, when I was reading it, it kept me guessing until the last moment. Although I do want to give a special nod to the identity of the Half-Blood Prince; I really, really enjoyed that one. I think it was another instance of the answer being hidden in plain sight, but because Snape has been a fixture of these books – and Harry is so predisposed to never assume that Snape would be capable of doing anything smart or clever – as readers, it would have been difficult, I think, to pick up on the hints that happened throughout the book, and there were several of them. But I just thought that that one was really well done too.

Micah: Yeah, it definitely was. The one thing I will say, though, is much like the Marauders, the movies did that whole thing dirty because they never explained why Snape was the Half-Blood Prince. What’s the connection?


Muggle Mail: Social media


Andrew: All right, now we have a lightning round of sorts, social media Muggle Mail responses. We asked listeners on social media to chime in about the show or any questions they might have. This first one is from Jenna Levine.

“Hey, yā€™all! First of all, you guys are awesome. I have been a Harry Potter fan since I was a kid, and my love for the story only grew as I got older. I wanted to give my take on Hermione and house-elves. Iā€™m assuming that up until she went to Hogwarts, she went to primary school. I have no knowledge of British education, but I think itā€™s safe to assume that she learned a little about the slave trade in her history lesson. She was taught that slavery is bad and thatā€™s that. Now, I know that many wizarding families mainly homeschooled their kids before sending them off to school, so itā€™s possible that they arenā€™t taught about Muggle history, but maybe itā€™s because of this lack of understanding that wizards still have house-elves. Anyway, love you all, and Millennial.”

Thank you, Jenna.

Laura: Aw, thanks.

Eric: This one came from Rachel.

“Saw the update about the upcoming Muggle Mail episode. I am loving the Goblet of Fire deep dive. What I’m finding especially interesting is the role the media plays with Rita Skeeter and how easy it is to skew things online, as well as the discussions of the dynamics between the trio and how that connects to later books. Thank you for such engaging podcasts!”

Yeah, I want to say you guys went real hard on the media last week, in its role in encouraging more fear and hatred, so it was good stuff. I loved it too.

Andrew: I’m a bit of a media nerd, so I keep an eye on that type of thing.

Laura: Next one comes from Susan, who says,

“Long time listener! Iā€™ve actually been going back to earlier episodes and listening to them, currently in the 400s.”

Well, you’re almost there. Kind of.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

“I really love how Chapter by Chapter has evolved from Half-Blood Prince to this latest reinstallment, and I love the Girls Night podcast episode. Favorite headcanons have been fun in recent episodes also. Also, thank y’all for all your unhinged commentary, especially Micah. Thereā€™s nothing like looking like a laughing loon at 5:00 a.m. at the gym. Love yā€™all, and thanks for all the laughs and smiles.”

Laura: Micah, You got a shout-out!

Micah: I know. It’s great.

Eric: From ChatGPT!

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: “Looking like a laughing loon at…” It’s all that alliteration. That gives it away.

Micah: Yeah. I’m glad that, Susan, I can make you look like a laughing loon at the gym.

Andrew: Micah is unhinged. We’re working on it. Just kidding; don’t change, Micah.

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: I love the idea of someone laughing at MuggleCast at 5:00 a.m. in the gym. Next time I wake up at 5:00 a.m., I’m going to think about you laughing like a loon in the gym listening to the Micah and all of his unwell-ness.

Micah: Next up is Scarlett, who says,

“Newish listener! I’m always up for a Potter podcast and never get tired of hearing more about Harry Potter, even after all this time. Can’t get enough about diving deeper into the episodes. And yes, Cedric did…”

[laughs] Here we go again.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Nooo!

“… Harry dirty! More clues, Cedric. More clues.”

Andrew: This might be the hottest debate in the fandom.

Eric: It’s settled now.

Andrew: We struck gold here, I think. We need to get on TikTok and start talking about this.

Eric: That’s true, yeah.

Andrew: Michelle said,

“Long time Harry Potter fan but never listened to podcasts till last year. Started at Episode 1, up to Episode 380 now. I have many more till I catch up, but I refuse to listen to the new episodes yet!”

[Eric laughs]

“I don’t want to miss anything you all had to say and love hearing the speculating compared to what actually happened. Love your podcast! Hope you all never stop!”

Andrew: I respect that – especially going through the episodes pre-Book 7 and pre-Deathly Hallows – Part 2 – so I understand, but at the same time I’m like, “Oh, the quality is so much better now; please don’t listen to those earliest episodes.” [fake cries]

Eric: I can’t wait for March of 2026 when Michelle catches up to this episode and reads the message that she sent getting read.

Andrew: Yeah. Aww, Michelle.

Eric: But then we’ll be on Episode 700-something. This next one comes from Andrea:

“Hi yā€™all, long time listener, first time caller. Had a funny image pop in my head when yā€™all were talking about who wore it best, Dobby or Mr. Weasley.”

Another Micah-ism, really good stuff.

“You were dissing Mr. Weasley for wearing jeans that were too big. Remember, Harry Potter took place in the ’90s, so maybe Mr. Weasley was actually trying to look cool and was wearing a pair of super baggy JNCO jeans…”

Laura, what is this word?

Laura: Yeah, JNCO.

Eric: Thank you. I’m not fashionable.

[Laura laughs]

“… because that is my new headcanon now. Love the podcast.”

Eric: Mr. Weasley was hip! I demand a retrial!

Andrew: And JNCO jeans actually did come back a couple of years ago; I don’t know if they’re still trendy. But you know what? This is a great call-out, because I used to wear baggy jeans in the 90s/early 2000s.

Laura: Yeah, we all did.

Micah: Yep.

Eric: Mine were cargo jeans. They looked awful.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: They were still baggy.

Laura: Well, then you still fit in. Our next one is from Lauren, who says,

“Your Hagrid slander makes me cry.”

Andrew: Micah.

Laura: With a crying emoji.

“In all seriousness, though, he just needs a curriculum. He never met a creature he didnā€™t love, so he canā€™t gauge whatā€™s appropriate to teach to the kids that arenā€™t interested in the subject (and letā€™s be fair, most arenā€™t). Also, I think people are expecting him to teach something more akin to Magizoology, like when Hermione mentions she learned far more from Grubbly-Plank than she did in Hagridā€™s lessons. Hermione loves theory, but what Hagrid is good at is practice. Iā€™ve worked in animal care, and let me tell you, my best teachers were the Hagrids.”

Laura: That’s so heartwarming.

Andrew: It is sweet. I love Hagrid. You’re not going to get much hate for me.

Laura: Yeah, his heart’s in the right place.

Andrew: Yes.

Laura: It definitely is. [laughs]

Eric: Yeah, Dumbledore didn’t set him up for success. The buck ends with Dumbledore.

Laura: That’s the thing.

Micah: All right, heading over to X, from @ManaJammo: “I love revisiting Goblet of Fire with y’all. Brings back all the good memes and Harry’s 14-year-old drama.”

Andrew: @EleanorAndresen said, “I love that you guys are leaning into the teen angst of it all.”

Eric: Watch us bust out the leather jackets for Book 5.

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Andrew: Yeah, exactly. Wait till Order of the Phoenix.

Micah: @EveryFlavorJules says, “Love every ep. Always wishing for more queer reps in the stories, especially with the dance and dating scenes.”

Laura: Agree.

Andrew: @MildNoMore84 said, “The latest episode got me thinking about how the goblins fit into the wizarding world.”

Eric: @SoulLynda says, “Longer episodes! More discussion on whatever, if not the chapter. Love you all.” I have a recommendation, Soul: The older episodes – particularly, like, 330 through 520 – are all whatever topic we could think about, and they’re all like 90 minutes long. It was an insane time where we plumbed all these other facets of the books.

Andrew: And we’re also releasing two bonus MuggleCast installments a month through Patreon and MuggleCast Gold on Apple Podcasts, so there’s some more content for you.

Micah: Yeah, and check out the Must Listens page. I think that would help with some of what you’re looking for, Lynda. All right, should I bring us home?

Andrew: Yes. Wrap us up.

Eric: Bring us home, Micah.

Micah: All right, final email of the episode, and it goes all the way back to May 2, 2007.

Andrew: Aww, today’s recording date!

Eric: Before the last book!

Micah: It’s right before the last book, and it was the first email that we received on May 2, and appropriate because we are recording on May 2. And it’s from Andrew, 17…

[Andrew gasps]

Micah: … from Bel Air, Maryland, on the subject of Deathly Hallows US edition. How they heard of us: iTunes. And I’ll share a story after this, but they say, “Did you notice that whatever they are reaching for, Voldemort has his eyes fixed on Harry alone?” I don’t think I’ve ever noticed that about the Deathly Hallows US edition cover.

Andrew: Let me….

Laura: I think what the cover is depicting is the moment where Harry is reaching for the Elder Wand, so Voldemort is a dead man standing at that point, right?

Eric: You don’t actually see Voldemort’s eyes… oh, wait.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Eric discovers the book flap. [laughs]

Eric: There’s more art in here, guys!

Andrew: I’m going to take issue with this email from Andrew. I’m looking at it now; I think Voldemort actually is looking up, not at Harry.

Eric: Yeah, he’s looking up, and so is Harry.

Andrew: If that were true – which maybe you could argue it is – that’s a really cool observation.

Eric: I do think that in that courtyard, Voldemort is not going to be looking at anyone other than Harry, particularly because Harry just pulled a Houdini and got out of the trappings of death. And also because Harry is the only threat to Voldemort; nobody else can come close. And so it’s like, when you have somebody’s full and undivided attention, that Voldemort judged Harry as being the only one worth his time, essentially.

Micah: The important context here is, of course, Deathly Hallows had not been released yet, and there was so much theorizing that went on. It’s really cool to look back in our inbox and just see the volume of emails we would receive every single day with new and different theories on obviously, this one was on the book cover, but certainly just things that were going to happen in the seventh book. And the funny thing I’ll just mention is one of the other emails I looked at, it actually said, “Just thought I’d let you know, Episode blah-blah-blah is not working on iTunes,” and so it’s a little bit of a throwback to our older days.

Andrew: [laughs] Okay.

Eric: We should fix that.

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: Hopefully it’s fixed.

Micah: I think it’s probably fine now.

Eric: All the player links, we tested them, because they’ve been updated recently.

Micah: But we used to get emails like that.

Eric: No, I love that. I really do.

Micah: Listeners cared. They still do.

Andrew: Thanks, everybody, for contributing to today’s episode. And thank you to Andrew back in May 2007 for submitting that email. We really hope you’re still listening today. [laughs] If y’all have any feedback about today’s discussion, you can email or send a voice memo recorded on your phone to MuggleCast@gmail.com, or you can use the contact form on MuggleCast.com. Or you can call our old school phone number, which is 1-920-3-MUGGLE. That’s 1-920-368-4453. And next week, Chapter by Chapter will return with Goblet of Fire Chapter 25, “The Egg and the Eye.”


Quizzitch


Andrew: And now it’s time for Quizzitch!

[Quizzitch music plays]

Eric: All righty, last week’s Quizzitch question: The tub in the prefects’ bathroom features roughly how many golden taps? The correct answer is “about 100.” And I gotta tell you, Andrew, you said we were done with Muggle Mail, but the names that people submitted are pretty much letters to us in their own this week.

Andrew: Oh.

Eric: It seems like they took the spirit of the Muggle Mail very… at least the first couple; I’ve severely truncated some of these. Correct answers were submitted by Hello MuggleCast, it’s me, Mrs. Norris, and I can’t see Harry Potter, but I can smell him…

[Micah laughs]

Eric: … Hello Harry, long time no sea? Well, that’s probably because Hogwarts is surrounded by a Black Lake instead of an ocean. Anyway, I’m coming into this tub against your will.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: Ooh.

Eric: Okay. All I want is a Quizzitch name read because it makes me feel as special as Ginny when someone wanted her, that was the best character in the series, and please read this, it would make me feel special and help cure my anxiety. They didn’t even leave their name. They were just like, “It will help…” Okay, What are the odds Andrew is wearing his Hogwarts alumni long sleeve? Andrew, you got a long sleeve shirt under?

Andrew: Not today; I’ve got this very cool MuggleCast 15th anniversary T-shirt available on our Etsy store. But I do wear that from time to time and maybe I’ll wear it next week.

Eric: What are the odds?

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: The silver taps that want to be used even though they just use normal water. Okay, and then some of our shorter names that we love to death for these segments: All Snapes and Sizes; Buff Daddy; Elizabeth K.; Gumdrop Button; Harry the high school dropout; Micah the Supreme Goat Lord Master… gee, I wonder which name Micah submitted this week.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Pine fresh Cedric; Rub-a-dub-dub, Myrtle’s in the tub; SPEW’s forgotten cause; “That’s my golden egg, you bleep…”

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Eric: That one is good. The 11-year-old girl that loves Harry Potter; The Hogwarts plumbing system that has had more than enough of Myrtle; The mermaid in the portrait winking at Harry; The really long name that nobody wants to read in case they mess it up… real. And Tortured Poets Department is about Harry Potter.

Andrew: The new Taylor Swift album.

Eric: That’d be an interesting theory.

Laura: Make the Music Connection.

Eric: Yeah, yeah. So that was the winners for last week, and here is next week’s question: Speaking of Moaning Myrtle, where specifically does Moaning Myrtle mention haunting Olive Hornby? Submit your answer to us over on the MuggleCast website, MuggleCast.com/Quizzitch. If you’re on the MuggleCast website – maybe you’re checking out transcripts or something else – click on “Quizzitch” from the main nav.

Andrew: This show is brought to you by Muggles like; you we are proudly an independent podcast and we depend on listener support. Many of our listeners come through every month, and we are deeply grateful for that, but we can always use more support to help sure up the future of this show. So if you’re an Apple Podcasts user, you can subscribe to MuggleCast Gold, which gets you ad-free and early access to MuggleCast, plus two bonus MuggleCast installments every month. And then there’s also Patreon.com/MuggleCast, and you’ll get all the benefits of MuggleCast Gold plus livestreams, our planning docs, Discord access, the chance to co-host a show one day – I think we’re going to try to get a guest on next week – a new physical gift every year, and a video message from one of the four of us, which as we shared a couple of weeks ago, people really love.

Eric: And Micah and I, just as a reminder, will be at LeakyCon this year from July 5-7 at Oregon Convention Center in Portland, Oregon. And we also have a wonderfully edited announcement video that went to our Instagram and is a collab with LeakyCon. But thank you, ChloĆ©, for putting that together for us with the dregs of footage that we had from Chicago and elsewhere, so check that out. Little announcement video. We’re excited to be back at Leaky. Team StarKid was just announced in manners relevant to Harry Potter, so that’s good stuff, and we look forward to hanging out with Brian and Meredith and all them.

Andrew: And we don’t have access to owls, so we could use your help in spreading the word about the show. And we’d also appreciate if you took a moment to leave us a review in your podcast app. Lastly, visit MuggleCast.com for transcripts, social media links, our full episode archive, our favorite episodes, and more. So that does it for this week’s episode. Thank you, everybody, for listening. I’m Andrew.

Eric: I’m Eric.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: We’ll be back next week with more analysis of Cedric and his hint for Harry. Bye, everybody.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: Bye.

Transcript #656

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #656, Rita and Micah’s Hagrid Hot Take (GOF Chapter 24, Rita Skeeter’s Scoop)


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into the Wizarding World fandom. I’m Andrew.

Micah Tannenbaum: I’m Micah.

Laura Tee: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: This week, settle in for some hot goss as we open up the Daily Prophet. Our Chapter by Chapter reread of the Harry Potter books continues today with Chapter 24, “Rita Skeeter’s Scoop.” And before we get to that, we actually have some exciting Harry Potter news. Actually, this might be the earliest we include a comment on the show here, but Liza in our Discord is already chiming in on the episode. She says, “Let me on the pod”?

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Laura: This is a first.

Andrew: Liza? Liza, you there?

Liza Munk: Andrew, hey!

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Wow, that was so smooth and easy! Hi, Liza, you’re our guest this week. And Liza, the reason I just did that hilarious bit is because Liza is a Patreon supporter and she’s always in our Discord, and we had an open spot this week, so we decided to have you on. So welcome to the show, Liza.

Liza: I’m stoked to be here.

Andrew: It’s our pleasure. So tell us a little bit about yourself.

Liza: So I’m a writer and a researcher who focuses on music and culture. And so right now I live in Santa Barbara in California, but before that, I lived in Amman, Jordan, where I was doing research on alternative Arabic music. And also, I wanted to mention since I know a lot of MuggleCast listeners are big readers, you caught me just as I’m about to share more about a book club that I’ve been hosting this year, where we’re basically reading our way around the world. So if you’re interested in reading books – nonfiction, and we’re going to do some fiction, too, later on – that are all based in different countries, please feel free to hop along with me. You can follow me on Instagram or Twitter; I’m @LizaMunk, and the Munk is M-U-N-K. So yeah, really excited to share that.

Laura: That’s so cool.

Andrew: That’s a very cool idea for a book club.

Liza: Thank you so much.

Andrew: And we’ll have a link in the show notes as well. And of course, we have to get your fandom ID.

Liza: Absolutely. So my favorite book is Order of the Phoenix, and I honestly right now don’t have a favorite movie, so I decided to say I’ll just continue following the watch-along that MuggleCast does, and once you’ve done all of them, maybe by then I can tell you what my favorite movie is.

Andrew: [laughs] Okay.

Liza: My Hogwarts House is Hufflepuff and my Ilvermorny house is Pukwudgie. My Patronus, I think it’s a dolphin; I’m honestly not sure if I made that up or that’s what I got on the Patronus quiz, but we’re just going to go with it.

Andrew: Good idea.

Liza: And my favorite professor is Lupin.

Andrew: Awesome. Well, yeah, welcome again to the show. We’re excited to have you on. You always have so much great feedback in the Discord; we know you’ll fit right in today. I was not kidding about having some news to discuss this week. This is actually pretty big news: All seven Harry Potter audiobooks are going to be transformed into a new full-cast ensemble production, and this is scheduled for release in late 2025, and they’re going to be bringing over 100 voice artists on for these special edition audiobooks. You might call them immersive audiobooks; you might call them dramatized audiobooks. And the press release says that each of the seven English language audiobooks will be released sequentially for a global audience, and will sit alongside and complement the iconic single voice English language recordings by Jim Dale and Stephen Fry. And alongside that new ensemble cast, the audiobooks will be further enhanced with high quality sound design in Dolby Atmos, alongside a stunning original score and real world sound capture, all created to make your experience of the wizarding world feel even more authentic. It’s pretty cool, right?

Laura: Yeah, that sounds awesome.

Micah: This is interesting because… well, I don’t know if I can say anything about a potential audiobook episode that we’re working on…

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Micah: … and it really just made me wonder would this be my entryway into listening to audiobooks, given all the work that seems like it’s about to go into this particular set of them? I haven’t candidly been somebody who’s listened to the audiobooks before. I’ve listened to snippets of Jim Dale and Stephen Fry, but when I’ve read Harry Potter, I’ve read it; I haven’t listened to it. But that’s in no way to take away from the work of Jim Dale or Stephen Fry.

Andrew: Yeah, I actually recently started listening to audiobooks, and I really enjoy the experience. I like walking my dog at night and listening to audiobooks, and not listening to podcasts about the real world; it’s a nice way to escape while going on a walk. And I think what excites me about these new Harry Potter audiobooks most is that this is going to be a new way to experience the original story from start to finish. We have the original books, we have the illustrated editions twice over, we have the movies, we’ll have the TV show, and now we’ll also have these enhanced audiobooks, and it will almost be like we’re getting the movie or TV series we’ve always wanted in that these audiobooks are going to be a performance of every word and scene across the series.

Laura: That’s exactly what I was thinking, is that this doesn’t sound so much like an audiobook as it sounds like a performance. And I don’t say that to take away from Jim Dale and Stephen Fry, because what they did were also performances, right? But it’s just very different. It’s more singular in the fact that you just have one voice, but here you’re going to have all of these effects and tone setting and different characters to bring the dialogue to life. I think it sounds really cool.

Liza: I’ve listened to a lot of Sarah J. Maas books as audiobooks; also recently got into audiobooks and now I’m obsessed. And once I tried one of the dramatizations… and initially I was thrown off, because I don’t think I realized that they might change a few words here and there, so I think what can be helpful is to go into that kind of thing with an open mind. If you want to be able to follow along with every single word of the print book, then maybe start with the audiobook and then try this. But I don’t know; it sort of sounds like it’ll be almost like going to see a play, but just getting the audio, and I’m sure it’ll be incredible.

Andrew: Yeah. And I guess this will work for us because we already know the story so well that even if they do maybe leave out some things from the book, then it’s okay because we know what they might have skipped over. I guess my only question at this point is it says they’re going to be sequentially released. Does that mean one book at a time?

Laura: I think so.

Andrew: Okay.

Micah: It means in order, no?

Andrew: And they just said “scheduled for late 2025,” so does that mean they’re going to start in 2025 and go into 2026? Are they going to be a week apart from each other? That could be kind of fun.

Micah: It’s definitely very cool news to get; I feel like the news that we’ve been getting on Potter has been few and far between over the course of the last even year or so. So I really like the idea that certain people are going to be able to own certain characters, whereas it probably was a struggle at times when you think of all the different voices that Jim Dale and Stephen Fry had to come up with and then remember them to reuse time and time again, and certainly with characters… I’m sure Harry’s voice in Sorcerer’s Stone was not the same as Harry’s voice in Goblet of Fire, was not the same in Deathly Hallows, but knowing that they’re bringing in hundreds of voice actors, that’s going to be really special for those people too.

Andrew: Yeah, in “real world sound capture,” the press release said. I picture them going to King’s Cross and recording just the environment and then using it.

Micah: Choo-choo.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: I can do it.

Andrew: All right, and that’s voice number 101 that will be a part of the audiobook.

Micah: This seems like a perfect opportunity. I’m going to look into more of this after the show.

Andrew: Well, we have this segment during Chapter by Chapter called “Max that”; maybe we could just start submitting ideas for certain lines for the TV show and these audiobooks.

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Andrew: By the way, Dolby Atmos – also mentioned in the press release – is like surround sound technology, so it’s going to be really cool. This is exciting. And yeah, we’ll update everybody as it gets closer. Also, quick reminder, if you enjoy the show and think other Muggles would too, please tell a friend about the show. And also, help us spread the word by leaving a review in your favorite podcast app, and wouldn’t you know it? We have two reviews to read right now from Apple Podcasts. Laura, would you like to read this first one from IvyBugs?

Laura: Sure. IvyBugs says, “Ahoy, y’all! I am 10 years old. I had a really bad overbite one year ago, and I had to get braces. They are now off and I have a retainer, but I miss my braces. I loved them because they made me feel older and act older. Anyways, my point is not everyone hates their braces. I also think that I now have a high pain tolerance because of my braces as well. I love the show, keep the all girl episodes coming. MuggleCast forever, y’all. Keep on till you’re 80.”

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Thank you, IvyBugs.

Laura: Well, we’re like halfway there.

Micah: Yeah, we are. Some of us are.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: That was a review, that was some feedback, that was a defense of braces… excellent.

Micah: I sympathize. I was there. So painful.

Andrew: And Micah, do you want to read this other one? And please read the username carefully.

Micah: All right. The next review is from Fred&GeorgeOverMentalStability…

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: … and they say, “Best Harry Potter podcast ever. This podcast never fails to brighten up my day or make me happy. I’m thankful for its in-depth conversations; it helps others to understand Harry Potter. I love it so much.”

Andrew: I’m a little alarmed by that username, but thank you for the very nice review.

[Micah laughs]


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Andrew: All right, it’s time for Chapter by Chapter, and this week we’re discussing Goblet of Fire Chapter 24, “Rita Skeeter’s Scoop,” and we’ll start with our Seven-Word Summary.

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

Liza: Rita…

Micah: … ignites…

Andrew: … rumors…

Laura: … in…

Andrew: … the…

Micah: … Three…

Laura: … Broomsticks!

Andrew: Excellent. Smooth, simple, perfect.


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Laura: All right. Well, getting into this chapter, I wanted to pick up on a theme that y’all actually touched on in last week’s episode related to Cedric’s hint to Harry about the second task at the end of the Yule Ball, because I don’t want us to lose sight of the fact that Harry is down to five weeks until the second task and he has no idea about how to solve the mystery of this screeching egg. Not only is that the situation he’s in, but he lies to multiple people throughout the chapter about his progress on resolving the egg, and it seems like it’s all in large part because he doesn’t want to accept any help from Cedric. He obviously hates him right now; he’s jealous of him. But it seemed like last week that everyone except Pam felt like Cedric was offering a fair clue, and I just have to say, there were a number of moments last week – that one included – where I was like, “Yes, Pam. I’m so glad that you’re on.” Because I feel like Pam and I channel each other; we think very similarly about a lot of things, so there were multiple comments throughout the show where I was like, “Heck yeah, Pam. Get it, girl.”

[Andrews laughs]

Laura: And this was one of them, because I was calling nonsense on this non-clue that Cedric gave Harry.

Micah: In fairness, I do think Eric was in agreement with Pam to some extent.

Laura: Okay.

Micah: So I will give him credit. But I wasn’t.

Andrew: Well, my thinking is that they were in a area surrounded by other wizards, and maybe Cedric didn’t want to just explain everything to him right there in front of other people. Maybe if they were alone together that could have happened, but they were near the entrance of the Great Hall, I believe. So it is a little frustrating, but at the same time, I just think Harry will be able to figure it out. And maybe Cedric, this is what he does; he likes having a little fun, sending him on a little treasure hunt.

Micah: [laughs] It’s the Hufflepuff in him, right?

Andrew: Yeah.

Laura: What, so he enjoys dangling a carrot?

Micah: Wow.

Laura: Is that what you’re saying?

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Micah: So I feel like this is the first of many points in this episode where I’m going to be the odd person out, but I think Harry is allowing his emotions to get in the way of the information that Cedric provides to him. Because not only did Cedric tell him what to do with the egg, he gave him access to the place to do it.

Andrew: It’s pretty nice.

Micah: I just feel like Cedric is not getting full appreciation here. I understand he could say, “Harry, go into the bathroom, put the egg under the water, open the egg, put your head under the water, listen to the egg,” but you know what? Harry’s got to work at it a little bit here.

Andrew: Yeah, I mean, there’s only so many things you can do with an egg in a bathroom; you should be able to figure this out pretty quick. I think Harry is also resisting taking this information from Cedric because it’s his pride at play.

Laura: Oh, for sure.

Andrew: He just won, he just did very well on the last tournament, he survived… Mr. Chosen One got maybe a little bit of an ego on him.

Micah: Cedric also feels like he’s giving Harry enough information in this moment. Remember, Cedric is a couple years older than Harry, so maybe the level at which he is thinking is not the same as a fourth year.

Liza: I feel like now I’ve seen this from so many different angles, because before last week’s discussion, I would have just been fully on Harry’s side, but now I can understand that maybe he’s trying to do this balancing act where with the first task, it turned out to be a situation where everyone knew all the information except Cedric, but then now it’s like, “Who knows what the other two schools know about this task?” So he’s trying to keep things a little bit fair, maybe.

Andrew: Oh, that’s true. It’s kind of like a blank slate, and so you don’t want to push things too far.

Liza: Maybe he’s afraid of getting caught, because he is breaking the rules right now to tell him anything.

Micah: Yeah, that’s a fair point. I would also say, though, that it’s very highly likely that both Madame Maxime and Karkaroff are helping Fleur and Krum figure out how the egg works.

Laura: Definitely. And I just have to give a shout-out to Justin in our Discord, who totally understands where I’m coming from by saying, “He can’t just say, ‘You can hear the clue underwater’?”

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Andrew: I guess we avoid leaning on this excuse, but it is a good… it’s for the plot. It is a good plot point for Harry to have to try and figure out the clue that Cedric gave him.

Liza: It’s just another way to torture Harry in this book. Draw it out as much as possible.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: For sure. But that said, I can accept that it’s for the plot, and we can keep it moving. Getting into the first chunk of our discussion, I want to focus on Draco Malfoy a little bit here, because obviously, this happens a few pages into the chapter. There’s a lot of establishing happening in the beginning of the chapter, a lot of focus on what the relationship between Ron and Hermione looks like after their big blow-up at the Yule Ball; they are being very courteous – I would say over courteous – towards each other because they’re trying to keep the peace, and we’ll definitely touch on some of that throughout the discussion. But I had a realization about Draco when I was reading this chapter, and it’s that he is an old-timey cartoon villain, because this 14-year-old comes to Care of Magical Creatures class, but before he goes, he’s read the paper with this horrific article about Hagrid, and he’s like, “You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to bring the newspaper with me. I’m going to put it in my robes, and I’m going to rub Harry’s face in it the first chance that I get.” It just feels… it’s giving Dick Dastardly.

Andrew: I don’t know who that is…

Laura: What?

Andrew: … but I can picture the [in an old-timey cartoon villain voice] “See right here, see right here? Look at this!”

Laura: That’s the vibe.

Andrew: Okay.

Laura: Yeah. And I feel like it all adds up when we think about his other baddie moments, if you will, like the taunting that he does. When he does get into a duel with Harry, he hurls a hex at him that’s basically the magical equivalent of playing an embarrassing prank on somebody. And if we look at this alongside his future inability to actually be the villain when he can’t kill Dumbledore, I think that the groundwork for Draco not being a very successful villain has been being laid since very early on in this series, and I think it’s another example right here.

Micah: So he’s almost a comedic villain, in a way. Like, you can’t take him seriously.

Laura: Right, and I mean, don’t get me wrong, his ideologies are reprehensible and he definitely is representative of the worst part of wizarding society, but he’s just parroting what he’s been told his entire life, and he’s never actually had to stick to his guns. He’s never had to put his neck out there, and I think it shows in the way that he tries to act out, because it’s kind of lame.

Andrew: Yeah, being ready to go with the newspaper, “Oh, look at this. You wondered? Well, here you go. This is why he’s so bothered.”

Laura: Well, unfortunately for Hagrid, the hits do keep coming. So he totally stepped in it with Madame Maxime at the Yule Ball, which y’all chatted about last week, but this article that we get in the Daily Prophet about Hagrid is completely scathing. So not only are Hagrid’s credentials, his education, and whether he’s even safe to be around called into question, but he’s outed in this article as half-giant. This is another example we see of a character of some kind of minority status being outed in this series. We just had Lupin last book.

Andrew: Yeah, it is interesting you using the phrase “outed,” because people can see him, right? And I know maybe there are some people like Ron who thought he just walked in front of an Engorgeo charm, but some people must already suspect this, so Hagrid shouldn’t have taken this as bad as he did.

Laura: I feel like there’s disassociation at play for people.

Liza: Yeah, exactly. I mean, I just agree with you so much that it’s remarkable how much I found that people sometimes want to believe the lies they tell themselves, so until it’s spelled out, who knows what people will make up to make themselves more comfortable, basically?

Micah: I’m trying to remember, too, and I’d have to go back and fact check it, but I feel like Draco often refers to Hagrid as a big giant oaf before this chapter, so it’s not like others couldn’t see Hagrid physically for what he is. And it’s interesting that Hagrid is almost ignorant in a way to how other people perceive him, whether good, bad, or indifferent.

Laura: Part of it is probably that most people are under the assumption that giants aren’t magical in the way wizards are, so one would never be admitted to Hogwarts. Hagrid even alludes to this later in the chapter that his dad was super excited when he realized that Hagrid had magic and could go to Hogwarts, so it could be that people ruled out the possibility of him being a giant because they didn’t think it was possible for one to go to Hogwarts.

Micah: Yeah. And what’s interesting about that is wasn’t Dippet headmaster at that time? Not Dumbledore. So we always talk about how Dumbledore is the one who’s all accepting and willing to bring in folks from all walks of life, but in this case, unless Dumbledore had influence over Dippet, Dippet was the one who allowed Hagrid to come to Hogwarts.

Andrew: Maybe it speaks to a long-standing tradition at Hogwarts, that it has been a welcoming school too. Dumbledore was just the latest in line to be welcoming all types of people.

Micah: And reckless, but we’ll talk about that.

Laura: Something else that I want to touch on with relation to the revelation about Hagrid’s identity is again looking at the way Hermione interprets bigotry in the wizarding world, because I really do feel like her heart is in the right place. She is recognizing bigotry for what it is; she spots it right away. But I think because she didn’t grow up in the wizarding world, there are some cases where she doesn’t have a proper appreciation for how it can manifest, how pervasive it can be, and she tends to oversimplify what she thinks the solutions are. So when talking about prejudice towards giants, when Ron was bringing up to her, “Hey, Hermione, this is a really big deal. I don’t think you understand; some people will care,” she just says, “It’s just bigotry, isn’t it? Just like the way people approach werewolves,” and Ron decides to keep the peace here, but in this moment, I really got the impression that Ron was feeling like, “You just don’t get it, Hermione, because you didn’t grow up around it, so it’s never as simple as saying, ‘It’s just bigotry; if we can get rid of it, then it won’t be a problem anymore.'” So I just think it’s interesting, Hermione’s kind of naĆÆvetĆ© around the whole topic at this point. She gets better, but that’s also growth, right? She’s still a child.

Andrew: She is still a child, but with all the reading that she does, you actually might think she would have a better handle on the situation and maybe more of Ron’s perspective if she’s been a student of history.

Liza: And it just… what it reminds me of… initially, I thought of it as an odd and end, but the way that Malfoy, one of his taunts about Hagrid in this chapter is pretty horrific to read as an adult; he calls him the “elephant man,” and that sent me on a little rabbit hole this week about, “Oh, wow, this was a historical figure.” This was someone who was physically disabled, but in the 1800s that might end you up in what was then called a freak show. At that time there were slaves that were also part of those so-called freak shows, and so it’s like, “Wow.” It’s just pointing to how intense the bigotry is.

Micah: It also shows you how the media can enable behavior, because Malfoy says those things after the article has come out, so it’s almost like Rita’s words have empowered him to be even more spiteful and hatred towards Hagrid.

Andrew: Yeah, and he’s excited at the idea that Hagrid might not be returning, so that’s probably further emboldening him. Like he won, in a way.

Micah: Right, especially after the incident with the hippogriff the year before.

Andrew: Yeah, definitely.

Laura: Well, and he’s quoted in this article, too, as talking about that.

Andrew: Right, “Everybody hates Hagrid,” which Harry is particularly pissed about. But I think Hermione also serves as a sort of vessel for the reader, too, so maybe that’s a large part of what’s going on here in terms of Hermione’s character and how she doesn’t have a… just thinking about house-elves as well, she has a lot to learn, just like the reader does, so it’s an opportunity for us to learn with Hermione.

Laura: Yeah, that’s a good point. Usually, I think we’re used to Harry being the vessel for the readers, but I agree with you; I think in this particular case, Hermione is the the everyman, if you will.

Andrew: One important item of note is that the author of the article… so if you look at the article printed in the book, it doesn’t have a byline for who actually wrote it to tell you… because that’s an important bit of information if you’re consuming any article. The article does say there was a conversation with a Daily Prophet reporter, and that is just very sus.

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Andrew: I don’t know why they wouldn’t just include Rita’s name. They do include it elsewhere in the article, but I think that the Prophet – or maybe this is at Rita’s direction – purposely does not say this was a conversation with Rita, because people know that Rita is a gossip columnist. People probably know she cannot be trusted. So if they put Rita’s name there, if they printed Rita’s name, people might not believe the article and it might not have as much power as it did, at least in Hagrid’s mind.

Micah: Totally. And there is additional proof of her not being fact-checked in this article, and I’m thinking about the whole Flobberworm story when Harry gets angry at Crabbe because Crabbe told Rita in this article that he was bitten by a Flobberworm, but of course, Flobberworms don’t have teeth, so there’s no way that could have possibly happened. So it just goes to show you; you’d think that if she was profiling a Hogwarts professor in this way, that somebody would be making sure it was accurate before it was published in a paper like the Daily Prophet. So I agree with you on that front, in terms of just having some fact-checking going on. We talked about this with the other articles we’ve seen her write up until this point. However, I do have a bit of a hot take.

Andrew: Uh-oh.

Laura: Here we go. Buckle up.

Micah: [laughs] And sorry in advance.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: There is very little that is factually inaccurate about Rita’s article.

Andrew: Oop!

Micah: And this goes back to, Laura, I think something you had raised earlier when you were talking about his credentialing, his expulsion, him being dangerous to be around. He isn’t credentialed. He was expelled, and I don’t really know that the truth was ever fully revealed there about what happened, but all we know is that he was kicked out of school. And he is dangerous to be around, even for the trio.

Andrew: Ah!

Micah: Forget his classes; think about all the danger that Harry, Ron, and Hermione get into. So I’m arguing here that almost all of the first part of her article is true, and as readers, and as Hagrid lovers, we just don’t like the way that it’s written.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: And I pulled out a few nuggets here. Dumbledore is “never afraid to make controversial staff appointments.” That is indisputable, as far as I’m concerned.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Hagrid got the job “ahead of many better-qualified candidates.” That’s true, as we see Professor Grubbly-Plank fills in for him in this chapter, and she does a pretty good job. I think it would have been interesting to see the list of other candidates that were potential hires, or did Hagrid just get the nod and Dumbledore was like, “Eh, forget everybody else”?

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: “I like this guy.”

Micah: He “terrifies his students with a succession of horrific creatures.” Again, this is true. The creatures have “maimed several pupils.” “Maimed” may be a strong word, but they have suffered injuries. Even in this book, Seamus is injured by one of the Blast-Ended Skrewts. And he’s breeding dangerous creatures without governmental oversight. So I’m sorry, Hagrid.

Andrew: To the point about creatures maiming several pupils, I can’t remember who does in this chapter, but somebody says, “Oh, do you think the Blast-Ended Skrewts attacked Hagrid?” They don’t even trust the Blast-Ended Skrewts around Hagrid, and vice versa.

Micah: Because they’re a brand new species, as far as we know. We don’t know what they’re going to do, and there’s no expectation. There’s no research on them.

Andrew: Hagrid cross-bred them, yeah. [laughs] And Hermione says in this chapter, too, like, “Oh, Grubbly-Plank, I learned so much from her, so much I never would have learned from Hagrid.” This is a tough pill to swallow. I mean, it’s true. But Micah, so let me ask you, because Rita Skeeter’s article was so accurate and you find her to be one of the greatest journalists of our time…

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Andrew: … do you think Dumbledore should dump, or should have never hired Hagrid as teacher?

Micah: The latter. I don’t think he should ever have been hired as Care of Magical Creatures professor. I don’t think that Dumbledore set him up for success by doing that, by giving him that position. I just don’t think he was qualified.

Liza: Yeah, it really could have worked out if he hired him and then immediately trained him and supervised him…

Andrew and Laura: Yeah.

Liza: … so it’s one of these things where a lot of these issues happened from him just being thrown in to figure it out on his own.

Andrew: But see, there’s no tuition at Hogwarts, so how’re they going to get money to hire somebody to train Hagrid? [laughs] They’ve just got to pull whoever they can get.

Laura: I feel like they could get Newt Scamander.

Andrew: Ohh. Now, that would have been a great addition. Somebody write that fanfiction. This article happens, Hagrid is devastated, maybe he’s feeling insecure, Dumbledore is like, “Oh, I got a little extra attention on me and the school and my tactics; let me hire old Newt, my old buddy from Fantastic Beasts 2 through 3 and straighten this out.” That would’ve been great.

Micah: It would have been. And I think, to your point, having some sort of formal training in place, like Liza said, would have benefited Hagrid, whether that was learning from the previous professor or bringing in somebody like you said, Laura, like Newt, that he could be an assistant to, that he could learn from. And I think Hagrid would be a great Care of Magical Creatures assistant; he can manage creatures and beasts like nobody else probably could, and he would do it with a level of care that probably could only be rivaled by Newt.

Andrew: You can’t help but feel bad for Hagrid. And we’ll look at the other half of this article – which is loaded with problems – in a moment, but first, we’re going to take a quick break. We’ll be right back.

[Ad break]

Micah: I will say, I think that Rita completely delegitimizes her argument by what she does next, because she transitions to basically an op-ed on giants, and she embellishes past historical interactions and really plays on the wizarding world’s larger fear of what giants represent. And she’s saying that, “Well, just because Hagrid is half-giant, that’s the reason why he’s so unqualified to be a professor.” It’s like, “No, he’s unqualified to be a professor because he just doesn’t have the resources and education that one needs to be successful in this role, and that’s regardless of any kind of background that he may have.”

Laura: Yeah. I think that’s a really great way to put it, and a pitfall that we see journalists in the real world fall into all the time.

Andrew: Yeah. And I think the way that this article is structured is interesting, because as Micah points out, many of the statements in the first part of the article are accurate, so you’re kind of building the reader’s trust by giving them things they, as maybe a parent of a Hogwarts student, would already agree with, and then you get to the second half, and you can’t help but believe the second half because the trust was gained in the first half of the article.

Laura: It’s also just hateful; I think that’s part of what we take issue with as readers, is the facts are the facts, but the slant is very hateful. I think it could be different if this were investigative reporting that wasn’t done as a sort of takedown piece, right? So if you got someone different to write this, especially if Hagrid wasn’t outed without his consent, then I think it would look quite a bit different.

Liza: And what occurs to me now is I feel like it also falls into this classic pattern of treating someone as if they’re dangerous, who is actually maybe the most in danger. If there’s, what, two half-giants that we know of in the entire wizarding world, that’s a extreme position of vulnerability where they just have to wonder at any minute, “If someone finds this out, I’m finished,” right? Also, I’m struck by that there must just be something really well done about the writing here that still makes me so sympathetic for Hagrid, even though all of the things you listed are true. And I’m just like, “Wow, I’m still so on his side,” even though he has done a lot of things that are questionable.

Andrew: And I think this is something the trio struggles with in this chapter as well.

Laura: Yeah, well, and it’s because we all know Hagrid, right? If we didn’t know Hagrid and then we read this article, we might have a different perception. I would hope that we could elevate our critical thinking skills for a moment, but perception is reality a lot of the time, and if you’ve read an article before you engage with a person or a subject matter, it will color your perspective. But because we have three and a half years of experience with Hagrid, we know that while the facts of this article – the first half of it – are true, the substance that is driving the motivation behind the article is false. So I think that’s what really makes us land on Hagrid’s side, at least speaking personally. And he’s taking this all really, really rough. He has shut himself up in his cabin; he will not answer the door. This has to be made worse by the fact that, as you said, Andrew, Professor Grubbly-Plank is a really good teacher.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Laura: Ouch.

Andrew: I didn’t say that; Hermione said that. In a way, Grubbly-Plank’s presence isn’t doing Hagrid any favors with any of the students, because suddenly they’re seeing how this class should be taught, and it’s like, “Wait, I’m actually learning and not in danger. Now we get to check out unicorns; that’s pretty cool.”

Laura: Something I will call out there, though: Half the class gets to check out unicorns.

[Micah laughs]

Laura: So I think if we’re talking about the quality of a teacher, accessibility of your classroom content to your full class is a pretty big part of that. So is she a good teacher in general? Yeah, I think she is. Do I think that it’s a miss for her first lesson to have chosen a creature that only half of her class could interact with? Probably wasn’t the best one. It was a flashy one to start with, which, by the way, is the exact same thing Hagrid did in Prisoner of Azkaban by starting with hippogriffs, so it’s just different flavors of the same gusto for the class, I think.

Liza: The other thing I don’t like that she did is her giving Harry the silent treatment. I think a better teacher would have used her words to explain why she wasn’t going to answer the question, like, “This is not my story to tell, Harry,” or like, “I don’t feel it’s appropriate for me to get into this, and now it’s time for class.” The silent treatment is… I mean, I was mad on Harry’s behalf.

Micah: He was being a bit pushy, though, in fairness, wasn’t he?

Liza: He was. Both he was being pushy, and then I just don’t think it’s appropriate to answer someone’s question by just saying nothing, because… I don’t know; maybe that will bring back some negative memories for people.

Andrew: And I would think as a teacher, you understand that students form relationships with other teachers, and Harry is very concerned about his friend. So I think that’s all the more reason to tell Harry, because otherwise, he’s probably not going to be focused in class. At least telling him might help a little bit so he’s not just sitting there wondering where he is. He’ll just be wondering why and feeling terrible for him.

Liza: I get the sense from friends of mine that are still teaching that the latest thing is to think about how you can use trauma-informed messages or methods in the classroom, and that’s about, “Do the students feel safe in class?” And how do you feel safe? If you feel heard. How is the opposite of that? If you ask a question, and someone pretends that you don’t exist, right? So it’s exactly like you’re saying; it’s like she lost Harry before she even started the lesson, so that could have gone differently.

Micah: It’s actually not all that dissimilar from what happens in Prisoner of Azkaban when they ask where Lupin is when Snape is the one who’s filling in for him, and Snape is extremely dismissive, and we see Grubbly-Plank adopt a very similar approach here with Harry.

Andrew: Yeah. It is interesting seeing the trio reconcile the fact that Hagrid is their friend, but at least in Hermione’s mind, Grubbly-Plank is teaching a better class. And I’ll borrow a popular Laura phrase here: Two things can be true!

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Andrew: Hagrid is a bad teacher, and he’s also a really nice person, and it’s just a hard truth that the students have to live with. Yes, he was hired as a teacher. That’s great; we’re happy for our friend. But he’s just not the best teacher and there are better options out there, and that’s a really tough thing to balance, I think, but you just have to accept that.

Laura and Micah: I agree.

Laura: Couldn’t agree more. Agreeing with my own logic.

Andrew: [laughs] “Ah, yes, two things can be true!”

Laura: [laughs] Nobody’s ever said that before!

Andrew: Brilliant! [laughs]

Laura: In contrasting, though, two Hogwarts professors who have both been outed, basically within a year of each other, I wanted to compare Lupin’s and Hagrid’s responses to being outed for their heritage. Lupin is a lot more calm, cool, and collected about it. He knows he needs to resign. Hagrid is not taking it well, and is very clearly emotionally distraught over it. Also trying to resign, but Dumbledore won’t let Hagrid resign. I think it’s interesting to posit the question: Why accept Lupin’s resignation, but not Hagrid’s?

Micah: Well, what first came to mind for me is Lupin’s position is cursed, so there’s that.

Andrew: He’s gotta go. [laughs]

Laura: True.

Micah: He doesn’t have much of a choice. But if we were to remove that, it’s really hard to say, because we know that there were letters – or at least, Lupin thinks that there will be plenty of letters – that will be arriving to the school calling for him to resign, whereas we see in this chapter Dumbledore notes that there’s been a lot of letters in support of Hagrid. Now, supporting him in what sense, I’m interested, because he speaks of those who had been at Hogwarts when Hagrid was there, so it could have been when Hagrid was… probably not when he was a student, but in his role is gamekeeper. And I don’t know that they’re necessarily advocating on behalf of him as a professor, because they have no context for him as a professor, because this is essentially his second year as a professor. So getting letters from parents, I would assume they just loved his good jolly nature as the gamekeeper of Hogwarts; they didn’t have him as the Care of Magical Creatures professor. So I don’t know. I genuinely think that Lupin poses more of a direct threat to students than somebody like Hagrid.

Laura: I agree.

Andrew: I think Dumbledore also sees that Hagrid wears his heart on his sleeve. He lets his emotions get to him and then he doesn’t think clearly. Hagrid thinks with his heart, whereas Lupin is the type of person who thinks with his brain. He has reason to accept Lupin’s resignation; he doesn’t with Hagrid. We’ve all been there; we all have a bad day and we’re like, “Screw this, I’m out of here! Eff everything!” And then we get some sleep and then we come to our senses. I think Dumbledore sees that Hagrid was just caught off guard by this article. He knows deep down Hagrid doesn’t want to leave; he’s just upset right now and he will get better. Sometimes you just need a pat on the back and “Toughen up, kid. I’ll see you at breakfast, 8 a.m. tomorrow.”

Micah: And Hagrid is not going to turn into the Hulk every 30 days and rampage around Hogwarts breaking everything, posing risks to the students and the staff. I think you have to be concerned about that with Lupin if he forgets to take his Wolfsbane Potion.

Andrew: [laughs] We only have to worry about Hagrid’s creatures, not Hagrid himself.

Micah: Right. We have to worry about his teaching methods being dangerous, not him specifically. I don’t know. It’s tough. Dumbledore is in a tough spot. But he hired them both, so he has to deal with it.

Andrew: Hagrid is also the guy who drinks too much and loses control. He needs to be just reined in and everything will be okay. Hagrid will get through this.

Liza: All I could think of was maybe was Dumbledore worried that if Hagrid was not at Hogwarts, that out in the world more people would be likely to take advantage of him and manipulate him towards evil, basically?

Laura: Honestly, I think it’s a good guess, because Dumbledore behaves similarly towards Trelawney. Obviously, him keeping her close and at Hogwarts, there’s a very different reason behind it; he’s trying to protect her because she heard the prophecy. But Hagrid is also Dumbledore’s right hand man, and I have to imagine that there’s a target on Hagrid’s back, too, because of that, so it could be out of protection more than anything else. Throughout the conversation about Hagrid, the trio are trying to figure out how the heck was Rita able to overhear this conversation between him and Madame Maxime, and they get oh so close to figuring out whether or not she was in the garden. But they do try to go see Hagrid, he won’t see them, and ultimately, they opt to go to Hogsmeade for a weekend trip because they’re hoping – or Harry is hoping – that he’ll run into Hagrid there. So we’re going to nip down to the pub here while we play this ad break, but we’ll be right back.

[Ad break]

Laura: So Harry is again choosing not to focus on solving the egg. He could hang out in Gryffindor tower and have the common room basically to himself, but he’s like, “Nah, I’ve got to get down to Hogsmeade so I can try and see Hagrid,” but it becomes clear very quickly that Hagrid is nowhere to be found; he’s still shut up at home. But who is in Hogsmeade in the pub is none other than Ludo Bagman, and he is there with a group of goblins who look decidedly unfriendly.

Micah: Shady, shady, shady, shady.

Laura: Pretty quickly, Bagman approaches Harry and takes him aside to offer him help with the egg, but Harry declines this because he asks, “Are you helping Cedric?” and when it becomes clear that Bagman is not helping Cedric, Harry declines his offer. But something else curious happens over the course of their short conversation here: Harry asks Bagman what he’s doing there with the goblins and what they want, and Ludo tells him that the goblins are actually looking for Barty Crouch, Sr., who has taken ill, is not reporting to work, and is just sending all of his updates to the Ministry, a.k.a. Percy, probably via owl. And there’s this moment where he specifically says, “Don’t go around repeating this, because Rita Skeeter is definitely buzzing around…”

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Laura: “… looking for other stories to tell about us, and I don’t want that to happen.” So I had this moment when I was reading this, and I was like, “Am I crazy, or does it seem like Ludo is trying to plant this story to take attention away from him?” And to play both sides of this goblin equation; like, he’s definitely told the goblins, “Hey, I’m going over to talk to Harry; I am going to make sure that he knows how to win the second task so that I can win whatever bets I’m placing on him and give you your money back,” and at the same time, trying to see if he can goad to Harry into leaking this totally fabricated story about the goblins wanting to meet with Barty Crouch, Sr. to sort of take any heat that might be residually occurring over Bertha Jorkins off of him. Did anyone else pick this up? Was that too long-winded of an explanation?

Andrew: Those were some mental gymnastics that I’m still flipping through.

Laura: Sorry.

Andrew: But Micah, you seem to like it?

Micah: I do, because I think that there’s already been enough information put out there that it’s clear that Bertha Jorkins is missing, and so what better way to deflect that story than to get information into the Prophet about Barty Crouch, Sr.? It takes a lot of pressure off of Ludo’s shoulders. Now, that being said, it would have been interesting if Rita went down the rabbit hole of investigating the situation with Barty Crouch, Sr. and why he’s not showing up to work. It might have spoiled some plans on the part of Voldemort and Barty Crouch, Jr., or it may have ended up with Rita being a squashed bug much earlier in this story. [laughs] One of those two things likely would have happened. But yeah, Ludo is definitely in it for Ludo every moment that he’s on the page. He’s only working for himself.

Andrew: I will also add that Hermione does catch on to what’s going on with Ludo because she starts wondering why goblins would be looking for Crouch.

Laura: Right.

Micah: Yeah, it’s very strange.

Andrew: Because it would be a different department.

Liza: Yeah, I think it’s spot on. I wouldn’t have thought of it, but when I was hearing your explanation, I think you’re exactly right. He’s just doing anything to get the heat off of him, to distract, deflect.

Andrew: Laura loves true crime and a good mystery…

Laura: I do.

Andrew: … so she thinks that way. She gets straight to the point.

Laura: Well, I don’t know if I was straight to the point with that; I was very enthusiastic about being like, “He is totally playing the deflection game; let me take you down every nook and cranny that my brain went about this.” So thank you for indulging me. I think that he knows the kind of journalist Rita is, and she has a reputation, obviously, for overhearing things and catching wind of things that she really shouldn’t. So if he’s planting this seed with Harry, who he knows is likely to go back and tell his two friends… let’s say they’re sitting there talking about that pretty openly; all it takes is for Rita to walk into the pub and overhear them, and boom, there’s the lead that she’s going to chase next. He doesn’t know that she’s also an unregistered Animagus, so that adds a whole other level to this.

Micah: For sure. I also would say that I think Ludo’s behavior continues to raise maybe not a guilty status on the suspect meter, but it’s very suspicious. The fact that he… we don’t have the full context right now of the goblin backstory and him being a betting man all the time, but the fact that he tried to help him out just before the start of the first task, now he’s coming over and trying to help him with the second task… we still don’t know who put Harry’s name in the Goblet, so the fact that this man who doesn’t know Harry from anybody else, really, is so willing to help him.

Andrew: Ludo’s behavior doesn’t seem to raise any flags with Harry, does it? At least not in this chapter, in terms of who put his name into the Goblet. So maybe that should tell us something.

Micah: I think he’s working on who put his name in the Goblet about as much as he’s working on the egg.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Which is not much.

Andrew: “Figure it out later.”

Liza: Yeah, but it’s clear, at least, he doesn’t trust him. And there’s this added level of skill to Ludo’s manipulation, because he’s so good at appearing to be the sociable, funny, friendly guy.

Micah: But Harry’s intuition is strong; he can recognize a fake… well, most of the time.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: When he’s speaking with one.

Laura: I also thought this would be a good opportunity to remind ourselves that at this point, Crouch is under the Imperius Curse and being forced to stay home and handle his Ministry business via owl, so that’s been going on for quite some time at this point, and it’s why Percy is having to step in for Crouch as well in more events. Who else should walk in at this moment when Harry and Bagman are talking but Fred and George, and they attempt to invite him for a drink, which he very quickly refuses and dips out as quickly as he can.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Laura: Why would you go anywhere near…? If you’re trying to avoid these children who you owe money to, why would you go anywhere near Hogsmeade on a weekend when you know the students are all going to be there? Like, come on, man. [laughs]

Andrew: Right, yeah. He really wanted to get to Harry, I guess.

Liza: Exactly.

Laura: But unfortunately for Harry, Ludo Bagman isn’t the only unwelcome face in the pub that day. Rita Skeeter and her cameraman Bozo…

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: What a name.

Laura: I forgot that was his name. [laughs]

Andrew: Bozo the clown?

Micah: Bozzo.

Laura: Bozzo?

Andrew: Let’s call him Bozo.

[Micah laughs]

Laura: I didn’t know. I thought it was Bozo. [laughs]

Micah: No, I think Bozo is appropriate.

Laura: Okay, UK listeners, is it Bozo or Bozzo? Because as an American reading this, looks like Bozo. [laughs] So let us know. But they walk in and she’s got her Quick Quotes Quill at the ready, and Harry is not having any of it. He and Hermione in particular do not react well to seeing Rita here. And unfortunately for Hermione, she definitely solidifies herself as Rita’s next target by standing up to her and calling her horrible for what she did to Hagrid with that article.

Andrew: Yeah. And Hermione is so livid after this that she vows to get back to Rita for the hit pieces that she’s published so far. Is this kind of a foreshadow alert? In that Hermione does have the last word later on.

Liza: I think so.

[Foreshadowing sound effect plays]

Micah: You just really wanted to play that, didn’t you?

[Andrew makes a buzzing noise]

Laura: We really do need a buzzing sound effect for her.

Liza: And I’m sure this is such a relatable moment for any of us that had been called a little kid, regardless of your gender, or even just been treated as… or questioned based on your age. I mean, I was literally just about to carry three bags of groceries home because the store is so close to me, and I have a neighbor that’s like, “Are you really going to carry all that?” And like, “Huh, I wonder if I was in my early 30s and not a woman you would have questioned whether I could carry three bags.” But yeah, so I really appreciate and relate to this moment of rage for Hermione. Like, “Oh, yeah, sure, demean me, see what happens.”

[Andrew and Liza laugh]

Laura: And in the end, Hermione wins that bet.

Micah: Yeah, she does.

Laura: Yeah, Rita gets some punches in, but… [laughs]

Micah: And I think that Rita reacts the way that she does because she’s getting called out in front of the entire bar. It’s like one of those moments on TV where everything goes silent and everybody’s looking at you, and I don’t think Rita honestly liked the attention at that moment. If she ran into the trio somewhere up in Hogwarts or somewhere else in Hogsmeade where there weren’t all these other people around, she probably wouldn’t have cared as much.

Andrew: Here’s a fly buzzing, okay?

[Buzzing sound effect plays]

[Laura laughs]

Micah: Do you hear a splat sound at the end?

Andrew: I don’t know, I… [laughs]

Laura: You’ve got to get the sound of a jar lid popping, like… [makes popping sound] something like that.

Andrew: [laughs] Let’s put Eric up to this.

Micah: He’s good at this.

Andrew: He likes creating these stories in the sound effects.

Laura: He does. [laughs]

Micah: One other thing I just wanted to call out given that we are in the pub, before we leave the pub, is that I think it just demonstrates how bars and pubs are welcoming, usually, to everybody. If you look around this pub, you have goblins, you have Ludo, you have Rita, you have all these Hogwarts students… so regardless of who, they’re all welcomed in to have a drink. Not saying everybody gets along with each other, but that’s usually the case for most pubs.

Laura: True.

Andrew: Yeah. Well, it helps that it was karaoke night that night, so that’s why probably a lot of people were there.

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: But no, I agree. And I guess it also helps that students are allowed to be in the bar, which seems like a whole other problem.

Laura: I mean, drinking culture is different in the UK, as we know.

Andrew: It is, but can the trio have a butterbeer at this age? They can, right?

Laura and Micah: Yeah.

Andrew: But they’re only 14 or 15, and it might be a little alcoholic…?

Micah: I don’t think it’s alcoholic.

Andrew: It’s not?

Laura: Not for humans.

Andrew: Oh.

Laura: It is for house-elves, because we see Winky get real drunk off of it.

Andrew: [laughs] Winky is a lightweight.

Micah: She’s a lush.

Laura: Yeah, but Dobby says that butterbeer is really strong for house-elves, so I don’t think it’s high alcohol content for people.

Andrew: Got it. Right.

Laura: But these pubs, we see that they serve mead and whiskey….

Andrew: Yeah, Firewhisky.

Laura: … yeah, so there’s definitely that element of it. But when you get outside the US, attitudes towards teenagers drinking are really, really different.

Andrew: Yeah. Well, it helps that the drinking age is lower.

Laura: Yeah. Well, as we established, Hermione is fueled by righteous indignation about what has happened with Rita, so she takes off and she marches down to Hagrid’s cabin with Harry and Ron in her wake…

Andrew: Bum-bum-bum-bum…

Laura: … and she practically beats down the door…

Andrew: Boom-boom-boom-boom.

Laura: … trying to get Hagrid to let them in.

Andrew: I’m working on the enhanced audiobook as you narrate all this.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: It’s very good. But much to their surprise, it’s not Hagrid that opens the door, but Dumbledore.

Andrew: I’m putting on my Dumbledore glasses for this section…

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: … because I think Dumbledore is phenomenal in this scene. Absolutely phenomenal. He’s a good friend, he’s funny, he brings up a lot of good points… I am truly obsessed with Dumbledore in this area of the book.

Laura: He is very good.

Micah: I agree.

Laura: He basically uses the trio – particularly Hermione’s reactions here – to make the case.

Micah: Yeah, he uses the trio. What a shock.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: [imitating Dumbledore] “Careful now, careful now.”

Laura: Do you think he orchestrated that somehow to be like, “I need to get them to come down here because I know how they’ll react, so I can prove a point to Hagrid”?

Andrew: The timing did work out well, but I guess maybe Dumbledore assumed that at some point the trio would be back. When, though, I guess was the bigger question.

Liza: It’s like, little do we know, Dumbledore has been there all day, because he’s like, “I know this is the day. Sooner or later…”

Andrew: Yeah, just waiting for Hermione to come and bang on the door.

Micah: I think it’s really great that Dumbledore has given Hagrid his space to work through everything that’s been going on, but then at the end of all of it, says, “All right, man, enough. Your butt better be at work on Monday.”

Andrew: “You cried it out. Toughen up, man. Let’s get back at it. You got this.”

Micah: Right. One thing that also jumped to mind is when Hagrid was talking about Dumbledore, he says, “Trusts people, he does. Gives them second chances… that’s what sets him apart from the other Heads, see. He’ll accept anyone at Hogwarts, s’long as they’ve got the talent. Knows people can turn out okay even if their families weren’t… well… all that respectable.” And I’m curious, now that we have Deathly Hallows, we have Fantastic Beasts, do we think that this stems from his own experiences with Grindelwald and Aberforth and Ariana, the way that he is so welcoming to all at Hogwarts?

Andrew and Laura: Yeah.

Andrew: I think that’s a really good observation.

Laura: Well, especially with his dad.

Andrew: Yeah, so Hagrid does say in this same area, “Great man, Dumbledore,” but Dumbledore does an excellent…

Laura: We need southern Hagrid.

Micah: [in a southern accent] “Great man, Dumbledore.”

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: That wasn’t really southern.

Andrew: That was just normal Hagrid.

Micah: That was normal Hagrid.

Laura: That was really good, though.

Liza: That was good.

Andrew: But Dumbledore does an excellent job here trying to make Hagrid feel better, and he also says something that I’m going to now share with y’all every time you complain about him: Dumbledore says, “Not a week has passed since I became headmaster of this school when I haven’t had at least one owl complaining about the way I run it. But what should I do? Barricade myself in my study and refuse to talk to anybody?” Dumbledore’s point is so true. We can plus one this being podcasters; you can never please everybody. When you’re in a leadership role, you’re always pissing somebody off; you’re always upsetting somebody, because not everybody’s going to agree with your style. Can I get an amen up in here?

Micah: Amen.

Andrew: Now let the music play.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: That’s a Drag Race reference.

Micah: Well, I can definitely agree because I’ve read a lot of the emails or other complaints that we’ve received over the years…

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: … and they’re not even complaints; they’re just feedback. And not everybody, to your point, Andrew, and to Dumbledore’s point, agrees with what we have to say, and that’s okay.

Andrew: That’s okay.

Liza: Yep, that’s why… I mean, I just had that today; some people weren’t happy with the book I chose for the next book club I’m leading, and I got angry initially, but then… I feel like the most amazing thing I’ve learned this year is that the whole reason that all these different approaches tell us to just focus on the moment and your breath or notice something else in the present, is it literally allows you to process emotion. So it’s like what Dumbledore could add, it’s just like, “Yep, you can get angry, but you’ve just got to let yourself take a breath, process it, and then go ahead and do exactly what you were going to do.”

Andrew: Take a breath. Listen to the birds outside Liza’s window. Just relax.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: I wonder how many of the professors at Hogwarts were hired or appointed by Dumbledore versus them being there when he assumed position of headmaster, because… and again, what he says in this moment is a great moment; don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to nitpick at him at all. But I wonder if some of these letters would be lessened if he would have maybe had some more qualified people in the positions that he’s hired, right? You think about Hagrid, you think about Trelawney, you think even about Snape. Snape is… we’ve talked about this; he’s not a good person, he is a good teacher, but you probably don’t want that type of person teaching these students. He’s also a former Death Eater. Then you have all of the DADA professors, and presumably the position is cursed mostly because of Dumbledore and the fact that he didn’t let Tom Riddle take the position. So I mean, you can spend a lot of time probably examining. I’m curious who was there before? Your McGonagalls, your Sprouts, your Flitwicks. Obviously Binns; he was there probably before Dumbledore. But it’s interesting to me that a lot of the teachers he’s hired, I don’t know how good they are.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Well, according to Fantastic Beasts, McGonagall was there before he became headmaster.

Micah: [laughs] Right.

Liza: Binns bothers me a lot because I think history is super compelling. Not everyone knows how to convey it in a compelling way, but it’s like, don’t believe that all history is boring like Binns makes it seem.

Andrew: Yeah. And when you’re a kid reading this and maybe you haven’t had history classes yet, you just go into your first history class assuming it’s going to be as boring as Professor Binns’s. [laughs] Society really does not do history classes any favors in general.

Laura: No, it doesn’t. And that’s why we repeat it so much. But anyway…

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Laura: During the course of this conversation as Hagrid starts feeling better, he pulls out a picture of his dad and starts sharing stories about his relationship with his dad and how his dad was really the one who told him never to be ashamed of who he was. I think it’s important for Harry to hear this always, but particularly in this moment when he’s dealing with so much uncertainty and pressure, and still just coming off the heels of having basically three quarters of the student body hating him for what they perceived him to have done. But Hagrid also has this really lovely, touching fatherly moment with Harry, saying, “I think you’re going to win. I believe you’re going to win. How are you doing with the egg?”

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Laura: And Harry lies again, and this time, he deservedly feels like crap about it because Hagrid is here all teary eyed from crying a whole bunch, but he’s smiling and he’s happy and he’s so proud of Harry, and he believes in him so much. And Harry just feels that pit of guilt in the bottom of his stomach in this moment. I know we’ve all been there.

Andrew: Yes, and it also reminds Hagrid, I think… well, Hagrid is being reminded of why he loves being at Hogwarts and why he should trust Harry, Ron, and Hermione’s opinion when it comes to moving forward after this article. He’s remembering in this moment… he’s past the darkest point with this article, and now he’s like, “Oh.” He’s starting to remember all the good things that come with being at Hogwarts and why he should continue being at Hogwarts. But yes, I think we’ve all been there where somebody asks you how a certain project is going, and you’re like, “Haha, yeah, everything’s fine, it’s good,” and you haven’t even started it, but sometimes you just say that to placate somebody and fake it till you make it.

Micah: And it’s like, did he learn nothing from both the first task and the unexpected task? He’s got two tasks that he’s more or less failed spectacularly at preparing for, and so he’s in the exact same spot he was in just a couple months ago.

Andrew: Yeah, we didn’t even touch on this, but Bagman tries to give him some help in this chapter, and Harry says, “Nope. No, thank you. I don’t need it. I don’t want it, because that would be cheating.”

Liza: Yeah, I honestly used to hate this book because of Harry’s continual procrastination. I think it was painful to me to be like, “Harry, stop procrastinating.” And I mean, at least now I have a little more sympathy because it’s like, wow, he is under such pressure that it’s driving him to a little bit of his worst instincts.

Andrew: Yeah. Harry should be looking into this, but five weeks is still a lot of time. [laughs] That’s a long time.

Laura: It’s not, though.

Micah: It’s plenty of time to take a shower or bath.

[Everyone laughs]

Liza: It’s such a shame. Hermione would’ve helped him… that’s the one, especially… I can understand why he didn’t want Ludo’s help – that could go south fast – but Hermione was a real help.

Andrew: That’s kids, though. That’s adult. You’ve got other stuff going on. I hate to defend Harry here, but I just can’t be like, “Bad Harry for procrastinating,” because we all do it. It’s a miracle when some of us get something done five weeks in advance of the deadline. [laughs]

Laura: Oh, for sure.

Andrew: Who are we to judge?

Liza: Exactly. It’s like, now as an adult I understand the moments of the book that made me the most mad are like, “Oh, because did it remind me of myself? Maybe.”

Andrew and Laura: Yeah.

Laura: That’s a good point. Although, I will say, I don’t think the penalty for any of us procrastinating in our day-to-day lives is death…

[Liza laughs]

Laura: … so the stakes are a little higher for Harry. But again, that probably drives him to that procrastination, because he’s just trying not to think about it.

Andrew: Yeah. Career death is what we face by procrastinating, but not real death.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: Imagine if he would have procrastinated in the next book with Sirius. Then perhaps things would have turned out differently.

Andrew: Wow. Not this soon after Kierra just hit that part of Order of the Phoenix.

Laura: I know.

Micah: [laughs] Oh, yeah. I saw that.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: I can’t wait for my Cousin Harry sweatshirt.

Andrew: Did you order one?

Micah: I did.

Andrew: Oh, sweet.

Laura: I got a shirt.

Micah: We’ve got to all wear them on an upcoming episode.

Laura: I would love that.


Odds & Ends


Laura: Well, let’s get into some odds and ends for this chapter. Micah, you want to kick us off?

Micah: Yeah. Well, speaking of the second task, at least we know that one person seems to be practicing. Now, that’s at least how I read it; we could assume that he just enjoys swimming in the cold Black Lake there, but I do think that he is training for the second task.

Andrew: Yeah, I think you’re right.

Laura: I agree.

Liza: Definitely.

Laura: Hermione’s justification here is kind of weird where she’s like, “Yeah, I mean, it’s a lot colder where he’s from; that probably feels warm to him.” I’m like, “Nah, girl. No.”

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: But speaking of Hermione, she reveals at the start of this chapter that she used Sleekeazy’s hair potion to get her sleek hairstyle for the Yule Ball, and Harry’s ancestor Fleamont Potter is actually the creator of Sleekeazy’s hair potion.

Micah: Ooh.

Liza: I love that.

Laura: Which is ironic that Harry never uses it, because he needs it.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Also, just wanted to give a quick shout-out to Hogwarts Legacy because goblin rebellions are briefly mentioned in this chapter.

Andrew: And I remember there were critics of Hogwarts Legacy who were like, “Why did they decide to make goblin rebellions a focus of this game?” Well, turns out it’s canon.

Laura and Micah: Yeah.

Micah: I killed a lot of goblins in that video game.

Andrew: Me too. Sorry, buddies.

Laura: I was using the Unforgivable Curses like crazy, so I just killed a lot of things.

Micah: Everybody?

Andrew: You’re a monster.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: Well, speaking of using spells, we do get a mention in this chapter of Dumbledore’s brother Aberforth performing inappropriate charms on goats. I think he also questions Aberforth’s ability to read, which was… [laughs] I did not remember that.

[Andrew laughs]


MVP of the Week


Andrew: And now it’s time for MVP of the Week.

[MVP of the Week music plays]

Andrew: I was raving a few minutes ago; Dumbledore is getting my MVP of the Week. Albus, not Aberforth. Albus for his wit, his wisdom, and his kindness as Hagrid was very upset about the Rita article. He was a really good friend, a really supportive friend and leader in that moment.

Micah: Got to give it to Hermione for calling that bitch out in front of the whole bar.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: I’m going to give it to Harry. I feel like we never do this, but I’m giving it to him because he could have accepted Bagman’s help, but even though he hates Cedric right now, he didn’t want to have an unfair advantage.

Liza: And I’m going to give it to the unicorns because like the all girls episode, we allow the girls to come to the front for this one.

Laura: Yep, very smart of them to prefer a woman’s touch.

Andrew: Next week’s episode is a Muggle Mail episode, so if you have any feedback about today’s discussion or recent discussions, please send it on in. You can contact us by emailing or sending a voice memo recorded on your phone to MuggleCast@gmail.com, or you can use our phone number, which is 1-920-3-MUGGLE. That’s 1-920-368-4453. All of our contact information, including a contact form, is also available on MuggleCast.com.


Quizzitch


Andrew: And now it’s time for a Quizzitch, with guest host, Micah Tannenbaum!

[Quizzitch music plays]

Micah: Oh, wow. I didn’t know.

Andrew: Did you know that? Now you do.

Micah: Now I do.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: Last week’s Quizzitch question: According to Rita Skeeter, what department at the Ministry would be particularly interested in Hagrid’s Blast-Ended Skrewts?

Andrew: You should’ve said according to that bitch, [laughs] like you did in your MVP award.

Micah: [laughs] No, I’ll only curse one time, and you can bleep me out.

Andrew: All right. “Bitch” is safe.

Micah: Oh, is it?

Andrew: The rule is if it’s in the books, we can say it. But just not crazy amounts.

Micah: Oh, okay. All right, and the correct answer is the Department for the Regulation and Control for Magical Creatures. Correct answers were submitted by All Snapes and Sizes; Draco’s Etsy Shop; DumbledoreTheRizzler4229; Elizabeth K.; Cousin Skeeter, Rita’s cousin from the ’90s, who starred on Nickelodeon where NOBODY was harmed by Blast-Ended Skrewts; Hermione’s pink dress was actually a good movie decision; Micah Micah Micah Micah Vroom Vroom Vroom…

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Micah: … Must be a Wheezy; Pop goes the Weasley; Shyam; The Blast-Ended Skrewt that’s loose on Hogwarts grounds; The entirely aboveboard and totally legit Rita Skeeter, who has never done anything remotely dodgy in her life, no siree; The Flobberworm that allegedly bit Crabbe; The Flobberworm who bit Crabbe; The Knights Who Say “Skeet!”…

Andrew: What?!

Micah: … The way Andrew pronounces subsequent is bizarre…

Andrew: Sub-sequent?

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: … and TotallyInnocentBangEndedScoot.

Andrew: Well, that was a unique bunch. That is for sure.

Micah: Next week’s Quizzitch question: The tub in the prefects’ bathroom features roughly how many golden taps? Each presumably doing different things to the water.

Andrew: Okay. All right. [laughs]

Micah: To submit your answer, head over to MuggleCast.com/Quizzitch.

Andrew: Please prepare now for some sub-sequent messages.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: This show is brought to you by Muggles like you. We do not have corporate overlords who control the show and could cancel us at any moment; we’re an indie podcast, and that means we need support from listeners like you. So if you’re an Apple Podcasts user, you can subscribe to MuggleCast Gold, which gets you ad-free, early access to MuggleCast, plus two bonus MuggleCast installments every month. We just released a new headcanons installment over on MuggleCast Gold. You can also get bonus MuggleCast installments and ad-free MuggleCast and early access to MuggleCast on our Patreon. Liza is a patron. Patreon.com/MuggleCast is where you can support us, and you’ll get all those benefits I just mentioned, plus livestreams, planning docs, the chance to co-host the show one day, the MuggleCast Collector’s Club – we send out new stickers every year – another new physical gift every year, and a video message from one of the four of us. So lots of great benefits. We lined up so many benefits because we’re so grateful for listener support. Another way to support us is by going to MuggleMillennial.etsy.com, and you can get some of our patron gifts from years past, like a T-shirt, signed album art, wooden cars, and some other items like the MuggleCast beanie and MuggleCast socks. And Micah, what are you and Eric doing this summer?

Micah: Eric and I will be in Portland, Oregon from July 5-7 at the Oregon Convention Center for LeakyCon 2024. We just put out a really fun announcement video in collaboration with LeakyCon on Instagram; thanks to ChloĆ© for helping us edit that all together, but a lot of fun inside jokes there to go and check out. And of course, we’d love to see you out in Portland. Head on over to LeakyCon.com to register, and use code “Muggle” when checking out; you’ll get a nice little discount as a thanks for listening to the show. And of course, plenty of information to come in terms of panels and guests and all that other stuff in the coming weeks.

Andrew: Speaking of summer, a few of us will be in the DC area in August, and we’ll have more details to share as it gets closer. Liza, thank you so much for joining us today.

Liza: You are so welcome. It was an absolute delight. So happy to be here.

Andrew: Aww. Please tell us about your book club one more time.

Liza: Absolutely. So if you find yourself wanting more… we’ve got the book club with this read-along for Goblet of Fire, but if you want more, feel free to follow me on Instagram or Twitter for announcements about upcoming monthly book club meetings as well that will help us travel around the world by reading. So I’m @LizaMunk on Twitter, and @Liza.Munk on Instagram, so we’d love to have you.

Laura: So cool.

Andrew: It’s a great idea because people want to travel the world, but it’s expensive and time-consuming, and now you’re traveling the world through reading. That’s really sweet.

Liza: Thank you.

Andrew: Listeners, we’ll have a link in the show notes as well. Also, visit MuggleCast.com for those show notes, and transcripts, our social media links, our full episode archive, and our favorite episodes. And that does it for this week’s episode. Thanks, everybody, for listening. I’m Andrew

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: I’m Laura.

Liza: And I’m Liza.

Andrew: Bye, everybody.

Laura: Bye, y’all.

Micah: Bye.