Transcript #469

 

MuggleCast 469 Transcript

 

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #469, Why J.K. Rowling Is Wrong About Trans People


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into the wizarding world fandom. I’m Andrew.

Eric Scull: I’m Eric.

Micah Tannenbaum: I’m Micah.

Laura Tee: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: So on today’s episode, we will be discussing J.K. Rowling’s tweets and her blog post about trans people from last week. We believe as a group that these comments were wrong and hurtful on multiple levels, and the purpose of this episode is to explain why we feel this way, and we’re hoping to educate you and give you perspective. And later, we will discuss how we go from here as fans and as hosts of a Harry Potter podcast, because this really did shake the fandom over the past week. And while we hope to enlighten and change minds, I also just want to add that we will probably not talk about this again, because J.K. Rowling has made it abundantly clear where she stands now, and we don’t need to keep digging into this. We are a Harry Potter podcast; we want to stick to Harry Potter. And I know a lot of listeners might be saying, “Why do you guys have to talk about it?” Because it’s important, and we really do believe that. And to help us discuss this today, we’re joined by our friend Dr. Sarah Steelman. She has a PhD; she is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in LGBTQ+ affirmative practices. Hi, Sarah, welcome to the show.

Sarah Steelman: Hello, I’m happy to be here. I wish it was better circumstances, but teenage me is thrilled nonetheless.

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Andrew: Yes, Sarah has been a longtime listener of the show. We’ve met her many times; we’ve hung out many times. She is a wonderful person. And we’re so excited to have you here because you really know what you’re talking about. I think the rest of the panel here will be the first to admit we’re not experts; we are not perfect when discussing these types of topics, so we wanted to bring on somebody who has expertise here.

Micah: Yeah, absolutely. And I think you touched on it earlier with the education piece: This show today is not just about educating our listeners. In many ways, it’s about educating ourselves as hosts. And I think that that’s exactly why Sarah is here; she is the expert. And I know we’ve gotten a number of emails, we’ve gotten a number of tweets about not rushing to judgment about this particular situation, and I would say that’s exactly what we’re not doing, right? That’s why we have an expert on. That’s why we’ve taken a couple days to digest everything that’s been put out there. And hopefully, people take something away from the show today.

Laura: And before we dive into our main discussion, we did want to give a brief trigger warning. Today’s show will contain a lot of unaffirmative and transphobic language. Due to the nature of the discussion, these words and quotes will need to be said as they were written without correcting the language to be more affirmative. If hearing these words is too triggering for you, please protect your mental health, and it is okay to pause or stop the episode as you need. If you need support, we do have a couple of resources to point you towards. You can call the Trevor Project at 866-488-7386, and you can also call the Trans Lifeline at 877-565-8860.

Andrew: So we recorded Episode 468 last Saturday morning, and we go and try to have a peaceful weekend. And I’m sitting on the couch, bored out of my mind, refreshing Twitter, and here comes a tweet from J.K. Rowling. She shares an article with the headline “Opinion: Creating a more equal post-COVID-19 world for people who menstruate.” She quotes this link; she says, “‘People who menstruate.’ I’m sure there used to be a word for those people. Someone help me out. Wumben? Wimpund? Woomud?” She’s mad that they used “people” instead of “women.” And of course, people started freaking out because she was once again being transphobic. And of course, RIP her mentions immediately.

Eric: This isn’t just an errant like. This isn’t what publicists may refer to as a middle-aged moment. It’s not J.K. Rowling following people. People have been telling us… trans listeners have been writing in for ages saying, “These are problematic. This is what J.K. Rowling is doing. She’s friending all these people who are self-described gender critical,” etc. This was J.K. Rowling in the middle of nowhere, seemingly apropos of nothing, finding fault with a politically correct statement.

Andrew: Right, while she was back on Twitter to promote this new free children’s book, like she brought up in her blog post.

Eric: Like she said.

Andrew: So RIP her mentions. Then Rowling follows up with a Twitter thread, and she says, “If sex isn’t real, there’s no same-sex attraction. If sex isn’t real, the lived reality of women globally is erased. I know and love trans people, but erasing the concept of sex removes the ability of many to meaningfully discuss their lives. It isn’t hate to speak the truth. The idea that women like me, who’ve been empathetic to trans people for decades, feeling kinship because they’re vulnerable in the same way as women – i.e., to male violence – ‘hate’ trans people because they think sex is real and has lived consequences – is a nonsense. I respect every trans person’s right to live any way that feels authentic and comfortable to them. I’d march with you if you were discriminated against on the basis of being trans. At the same time, my life has been shaped by being female. I do not believe it’s hateful to say so.” And then she goes to bed. And then Twitter continues to respond to her, and people are really upset about this. Before we get into the blog post that she wrote a few days later, Sarah, can you tell us why everything she just said on Saturday night was offensive and wrong?

Sarah: Yeah, so a few things. Let’s just discuss some of the language that she used. So first of all, “same-sex attraction.” That’s something… we now mostly say “same gender attraction,” or we just say “LGB” or “queer.” And so we’ve already started to remove that from sex, but I think her Internet is lost somewhere in the early 2000s or ’90s. But sex, as she is talking about it, is what we affirmatively refer to as what you are assigned at birth. And so you may have heard the terms “AFAB” or “AMAB.” AFAB would mean that you are assigned female at birth. AMAB means that you are assigned male at birth. And the reason why we discuss this is because, one, it feels better for trans people. It doesn’t make the distinction between being “real” or “not real” in your identity. But also, sex is not actually this binary. It’s a spectrum always, and people are intersex, and they are not assigned intersex at birth, sometimes. There are ways to know if someone is intersex, and there are actually a lot of corrective surgeries that are done almost immediately after birth for that, or there’s some chromosomal issue or something like that, that is either never discovered or discovered way later. And this is also true of people who are AFAB or AMAB, where you can have different chromosomes than what you would typically expect of a woman or a man. You can have hormonal issues that cause issues with menstruation; there are lots of cis women who do not menstruate. And so this is just a little bit about some of the words that she used that were wrong. And then for gender, that is what we know as how people identify what roles and scripts they see themselves as filling, their relationships with society, how they view themselves internally, and these can be changed in terms of labels throughout the lifespan. But it has been found over and over again, scholarly, to not be able to be changed, which is why conversion therapy is unethical to do in almost any therapeutic licensure. It is harmful and it doesn’t work. And there are lots of studies and legitimate science if you are interested in understanding why or how we know that.

Micah: Sarah, one question I had here is looking at these tweets, why could they potentially be misleading or misinformative to the average person looking at the tweet and saying, “Oh, it’s just J.K. Rowling tweeting again”? Because I think that has happened a lot, as it did back in December.

Sarah: Yeah. And I think that something that a lot of people try to discuss when they are saying why they don’t support a marginalized population is they make an argument that the marginalized population is not making. So here, the arguments she’s using is “My experience has been shaped by being female.” Yeah, no one is questioning that. And honestly, if anyone here has spoken with trans people, they understand that they have had their experience shaped by how they were socialized, what they were assigned at birth; this isn’t a novel concept or something that trans people don’t already think. Being trans does not mean automatically that you are as far left as you can go politically and want to burn all categories. There are a lot of trans people that I work with that are more conservative or more traditional in their beliefs about what gender is and what gender roles they should follow. And this connection to “All trans people believe that sex doesn’t exist, where being female doesn’t have lived consequences” is not what anyone is saying, besides J.K. Rowling, apparently.

Laura: And we wanted to talk a little bit about why we think J.K. Rowling may be doing this now, why she’s been consistently doing this, especially for the last six months or so. We actually got a really great email from Anna, who resides in Scotland, about the Scottish Gender Recognition Act. Scotland is currently looking to reform its 2004 Gender Recognition Act in order to make gender recognition more accessible to trans people living in Scotland. Of course, J.K. Rowling also lives in Scotland. Something that I observed when I looked up the recommendation from Scottish Parliament about the Gender Recognition Act is that it was published on December 17 of last year, and of course, we all remember J.K. Rowling’s December tweet about Maya Forstater – I always forget her last name – that came on December 19. So it seems possible that J.K. Rowling may have been made aware of this around the time it was published, and that that sort of incentivized her to start speaking out on this.

Sarah: Yeah, and also, I hear a lot of people on Twitter and in the fandom… I’ve been in this fandom for my entire life, practically. I started listening to MuggleCast in 2006, and attending Harry Potter conferences that year as well. And so a lot of things that I have been seeing have been supportive of trans people and dismissing J.K. Rowling’s statement, but for some people that may not understand why this is so harmful… I mean, yesterday we had Trump try and set limitations on healthcare for trans people. And you have to do a lot of reading, and some of it I think you have to understand how trans healthcare already works, because you might think right away, “Okay, this limits access to trans-affirmative care,” which some people may or may not already see as cosmetic or optional procedures. But this also limits whether or not trans men are able to get hysterectomies, whether they are able to get tested for ovarian cancer, whether trans women can get prostate exams… it disrupts and will kill a lot of people because we have care that we have gendered. And we are trying – and by we, I mean the Trump administration in the US – is trying to limit whether or not these things will be allowed to be done through insurance. And we all know through insurance that if you can’t get a very serious procedure – or sometimes a very simple procedure – done, you are potentially going bankrupt doing it out of pocket. And so this is a huge problem, and if it does pass, will have a very deadly effect on trans people.

Eric: It really seems like a global effort, or a global affront, is taking place that’s been taking place over the last couple of years. But really, this movement really seems to be… it crosses country borders, really.

Andrew: And I think it’s one of the fights of our generation.

Laura: Agreed. I’d also like to point out, to Sarah’s point about this move by the Trump administration here in the US, that happened on the fourth anniversary of the Pulse nightclub shooting, and I don’t think that’s a coincidence.

Andrew: In Pride Month too.

Laura: Yeah, during Pride Month. It feels like a massive dog whistle. And that is exactly why – and Sarah, you can let me know if this is accurate – it’s exactly why this kind of rhetoric is dangerous.

Eric: Now, dog whistle, I want to redefine that term. We’ve heard it only once before on this show that I can recall.

Laura: Essentially, a type of virtue signaling.

Sarah: You could easily say, and people do, that it’s just one person’s opinion and we shouldn’t get outraged about it. But there’s a few issues with that, in general, when people state opinions like this, but particularly when J.K. Rowling states that opinion like this, because these opinions are not from nowhere. If it truly was J.K. Rowling on an island by herself – and like, please let that happen – but if that’s what was happening and she just had this opinion and was stating it into a void, okay, that probably doesn’t have a ton of ripples societally. But these are very well-known opinions. These are opinions that she is shouting at a very, very large platform. These are opinions that she is shouting when she has a lot of money, and politics is often run by money, and so there is a lot of ability that she has more than just her words that we don’t know about to influence how laws pass, how policies pass. And that is true everywhere. I can’t tell you how many times… within therapy, in general, a lot of times what people are coming in for is internalized problems, so bad communication, issues with forming positive relationships, trust issues, things that they can sit in my office and I can be like, “Here’s how you fix this.” And when you work with marginalized folk, and I work primarily with trans people, they are coming in because outside of my office in their life, there are these issues, and those are things that they cannot fix. They are coming in because there are bureaucratic issues that allow them to be misgendered, or to not get the care that they need. They are coming in because they have… in Nevada, where I live, luckily, we have a lot of state protections, but not every state does. And so they are coming in because the world is actively against them in a lot of ways. And this is how the world became actively against them, is people have these opinions. And we, for an unknown reason, said that they were allowed their opinion, more than we said that these trans people were allowed to live.

Laura: And for just one example of the impact, we wanted to share an email from a listener who wrote in. This is from Collin, and Collin says, “I’m a transgender man (meaning I was assigned female at birth), and Harry Potter has always been a really important part of my life. I started reading the books when I was 7, and I’m 20 now. I’m a gay man, I’ve had relationships with gay men, and it’s never been an issue. Not once. This kind of talk just further divides the LGBT community and it’s been a talking point for hateful fringe parts of the cis gay community for decades. It really hurts to have to recognize that these beliefs are part of the person who created my favorite series, and it hurts even more that she’s doubling down even now. I know it can be hard to accept something is true when you don’t want it to be, especially about someone you look up to, so I hope the people struggling with that right now recognize how much more painful it is for the people this is directly aimed at. A big part of transitioning is making it through all the people who are questioning you, and think that they know you better than you do. It’s really painful that a woman whose work was such an important part of my childhood is one of them.”

Andrew: Yeah, thank you for sharing that, Collin. And so before we get to J.K. Rowling’s blog post, I just want to highlight some of the responses from Harry Potter actors. These came as a surprise, starting with Dan Radcliffe on June 8, who spoke out. I don’t think anybody saw this coming. Dan Radcliffe is very separated from Harry Potter these days, but he’s actually been very involved with the Trevor Project. Laura mentioned it at the top of the show; this is a hotline for LGBTQ people to call at any time for some free counseling. He posted on the Trevor Project’s website a statement in response to J.K. Rowling’s thoughts and came out against her pretty strongly. He said, “As someone who has been honored to work with and continues to contribute to the Trevor Project for the last decade, and just as a human being, I feel compelled to say something in this moment. Transgender women are women. Any statement to the contrary erases the identity and dignity of transgender people and goes against all advice given by professional healthcare associations who have far more expertise on the subject matter than either Jo or I.” And he says more, but we will get into that later in the show.

Eric: On the point of Dan, on the point of Collin’s email so far, is empathy. This comes down to how much empathy you have for people who suffer from being marginalized. And I think that… I get a lot of empathy reading Dan’s statement. I do not get a lot of empathy reading Jo’s sarcastic retort on Twitter about people who menstruate. And that’s going to, I think, be a throughline as we continue discussing this.

Andrew and Micah: Yeah.

Micah: I would just add, too, I think it’s also about education, right? For people like myself, who just are not familiar enough. And I think that that’s part of doing the show, that’s part about having these conversations, because if you’re able to better educate yourself and understand, that goes a long way as well. That’s, to me, in tandem with being empathetic towards other people in who they are.

Sarah: And that’s one thing I appreciated from Dan’s statement, is as far as I’m aware, it’s the only Harry Potter response person who has said that there are people who have far more expertise on the subject than him or Jo. And that’s one thing that obviously I would notice, because that’s another issue. I mean, that’s a whole 2020 vibe right now of not trusting expertise, and not understanding that expertise exists. Like, you watch one YouTube video and you think you’re a genius on the matter. And so that’s another thing that occurs in J.K. Rowling; her statement is coded with language that does make it seem like she is an expert. And a lot of people, when they do state opinions, if they are in positions of power, can make their opinions seem like fact. And we know all too well that that works. And so I appreciated that. This isn’t some weird thing just happening online, or that Jo thinks is new to the world. This has been studied for decades. This has been worked on for as long… these are conversations that are already happening, and we know a lot more about it than what we put on Twitter.

Micah: Even given recent events, I think we’re seeing more so that people are not being silent about things anymore, even if it’s uncomfortable, and I think that goes a long way in terms of allyship.

Andrew: So on June 10, Emma Watson came out against J.K. Rowling’s statement as well. She said, “Trans people are who they say they are and deserve to live their lives without being constantly questioned or told they aren’t who they say they are.” And then on June 12, Rupert Grint completed the trifecta and issued a similar statement. I saw this funny tweet on Twitter: “These statements literally came in true trio order: Harry bold yet dramatic, Hermione eloquent yet pedantic, and Ron loyal yet late.”

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Honestly, the solidarity. Noma Dumezweni, Bonnie Wright, Eddie Redmayne famously…

Andrew: Evanna Lynch.

Eric: Evanna Lynch followed Dan. All of these actors. Dan Fogler now, as well.

Andrew: Yeah. And I will say, it was gutsier for Eddie Redmayne and Dan Fogler to come out in support of trans people and against J.K. Rowling’s statements, because they still work for J.K. Rowling.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: It was gutsy for Dan and Rupert and Emma, for sure. But they still have to go and see her. And in fact, on Friday night, the screenwriter who’s working with J.K. Rowling on Fantastic Beasts 3 and who wrote seven of the eight Harry Potter movies, Steve Kloves, he came out against J.K. Rowling’s statement as well. So a lot of people are speaking out about this, and good for them, because they could have just stayed silent and not annoy their boss. Somebody who did play it safe was Warner Bros., but we’ll get to that at the end of the show.

Eric: [laughs] Well, one statement that’s apparent in many if not all of these Harry Potter cast and crew statements is trans women are women, trans men are men. Something as simple as that line far exceeds the level to which J.K. Rowling is willing to go. In her long 3,700-word response, she does not once allow trans people the dignity of saying anything as direct as that one line, and that’s huge to me.

Sarah: Yeah, she gets close at some points, and then she just flies in a different direction. I’m like, “You were almost there. Keyword almost.” [laughs]

Eric: It’s almost as if by saying that line, that it’s a rebuke to J.K. Rowling’s whole point, to everything that she’s doing. I mean, the fact that these stars spoke out is not a coincidence. It’s because it needed to be spoken, because people are in pain, because people are hurting.

Andrew: Trans people need our support, yeah. So let’s talk about this article. She posted this on JKRowling.com under the headline “J.K. Rowling writes about her reasons for speaking out on sex and gender issues.” I just want to point out first that there is not a single link and only two citations in this entire 3,000+ word blog post, and I find that very irresponsible because she is sharing a lot of information. You really have to step back for a second to think about why she is not linking to her sources.

Micah: In addition to publishing this, she did put it out on Twitter and the only words that were utilized in the tweet were “TERF wars.” And I wonder, Sarah, can you just explain what a TERF is? Because I think probably a lot of our listeners aren’t aware of what that term means.

Sarah: Yeah, so TERF stands for trans-exclusionary radical feminist, and TERF is a word used when people are excluding trans people from feminism and not acknowledging trans existence. I mean, TERF is discussed by TERFs as being a slur. It’s actually kinder than I think it should be. For those who follow feminism and the different waves of feminism, not just understand that feminism is a thing, radical feminism is not really what most TERFs are doing. It is used as a descriptor, and it is describing the statements that are being made. But a lot of people who are called TERFs pretend as though it is a slur, especially as though it is a slur against cis women, and that will come up a lot in the statement.

Eric: When we had Rori Porter on, she told us that TERF was actually a term created by that movement, that it was not in fact, as J.K. Rowling claims in her article, coined by trans activists.

Sarah: I think it actually might be. I don’t remember the origin of TERF, but that would not surprise me if that were true. Because again, a lot of people… they’re not radical feminists. And so it is a bit of a weird thing that I think trans activists would pick up on more, and so that makes a lot more sense in the history of the term.

Laura: Sarah, I wanted to ask if you think this could be a fair historical comparison in an earlier wave of feminism. Before any of us were born, feminism – or at least mainstream feminism – did not include lesbians, for example.

Sarah: Yeah.

Laura: Is that a similar sort of thing that’s happening here with trans-exclusionary radical feminism?

Sarah: A little bit. So yeah, there used to be… I mean, I think a lot of what it comes down to is feminism; there are many waves. There are many scholars and historical activists and people involved in feminism, and they think different things, which is why there’s different strands of feminism. And so a lot of what TERFs are relying on is essentialism arguments. And so what essentialism is… I mean, hopefully, exactly as it sounds like, that there is an innate womanhood. This is what it is, and that’s it. And so essentialism itself is not very widely utilized, or highly regarded in a lot of scholarship anymore. There are obviously some people that still hold essentialist views, but we’re not really there. A lot of scholarship is discussing social constructionism, which is “Gender is a construct,” you might have heard before. That’s where that comes from. And so that’s the other issue that Andrew already brought up. I mean, she doesn’t cite her sources, but also, she’s going into lots of different waves, and so you can’t follow her argument. Even if she cited it, she would probably… let’s pretend that this was a peer-reviewed journal, and if that were the case, she would be citing so many contradictory people that it would never get published. Every reviewer would be like, “You can’t have this person’s thoughts and this person’s thoughts together. They think different things.” [laughs]

Andrew: Right, right. And there are a lot of statements in this blog post that contradict each other. I mean, just on their face, I found it really irresponsible. So what we’re going to do is we’re going to kind of treat this like a Chapter by Chapter segment. [laughs] I think we’re going to pull out some quotes and dive into our reactions to them and why they’re wrong. And in the show… look, we could spend – seriously, I’m not joking – six hours talking about this, but we’re going to try to do it in 30-45 minutes.

Eric: Here’s the thing. I read this and my overall impression, coming away… I initially saw that she had written a post on her website. I said, “Thank God, we’re finally going to get her opinion on this, and I’m finally going to be able to understand,” because Twitter is not the best way. Everybody knows Twitter is not the best way to communicate. Everybody knows that. But after reading this article – it’s very long – I read it and I came away going, “Huh, okay, J.K. Rowling is not a bad person. She’s just really, really, really concerned about the state of current the politics and gender identity and all that stuff.” And I came away, and I walked away going, “She’s just really concerned about this.” And it’s almost like that new meme where you’re reading something and you go “checks notes.” It’s like, “Okay, so J.K. Rowling is a nice person. She just – checks notes – is afraid that transgender women are going to violate women’s spaces in the bathrooms and attack women?” It almost doesn’t…

Sarah: Which, for the record, never happens.

Eric: Yeah, when transgender women have problems in the bathroom, it’s because cis people are uncomfortable with them being there, and cis people are the instigators of many of these reported results. I’ve done some research after this. But is that the major theme of this, then? Because it’s hidden behind a lot of “I feel” statements, which we’re inclined to sympathize with because it’s J.K. Rowling, the woman who we’ve regarded for so long. But I myself, I hate how much I was swayed at first by what seemed to be a really concerned woman with a lot of legitimate concerns about the world today.

Sarah: And that’s something that will come up a lot through different quotes that we highlight. She uses a lot of common logical fallacies in order to trap you in that, and the way that… I mean, it works well because not a lot of people are experts in this. Not even a lot of trans people are. And so there are… I was reached out by some trans people when I was posting on Twitter about this. Not all trans people even disagree with J.K. Rowling. Most do. But this is something that I think absolutely, it is very easy to fall into the very pretty language that she used to construct her argument, and she leads you in the direction she wants to lead you.

Andrew: And she tries to be friendly and funny at points too.

Sarah: Yeah, and it’s condescending. [laughs]

Eric: It seems so manipulative.

Micah: I think, yeah, it goes back to even when we were talking about the tweets earlier on the surface level. If that’s all you’re reading at, you can walk away and not necessarily feel one way or the other, or not understand what the whole to-do is about. But I wanted to start off at the beginning here because I think it’s interesting to see how she first got involved with even thinking about trans issues. And in her open letter, she says that it was really professional. She said, “On one level, my interest in this issue has been professional, because I’m writing a crime series -“ she’s referring to the Cormoran Strike series, “- set in the present day, and my fictional female detective -“ whose name is Robin “- is of an age to be interested in, and affected by, these issues herself.” And I’ve read all the Cormoran Strike novels to date. My question was, “Affected in what respect?” We know at least in one of the books, this character encounters another character in The Silkworm, and the character that’s encountered, her name is Pippa. She’s a transgender woman undergoing therapy ahead of gender reassignment surgery. And again, I don’t think we need to jump in necessarily to the story, but this seems to have been her entry point into having conversations and learning about the trans community.

Eric: I mean, I love this quote, to be “of an age to be interested in.” What age is that exactly, to be affected by transgenderism? Because trans folks are affected by this their whole lives. So what level of privilege is this right here?

Sarah: So what she’s talking about… and this is, again, another through point, so I’ll talk more about this later, because this is… one of the main sources that she cited is Lisa Littman. And this is a huge… Lisa’s peer-reviewed publication came out in 2018 and then was republished in 2019, but the thing that is most used in TERF spaces is what is known as rapid-onset gender dysphoria. And so what this is referring to – which, again, is not clear if you hadn’t already read the publication before the statement as I had – it is talking about how teenagers huddle up in teenage groups and all become trans.

Andrew: I could not believe that.

Sarah: Yeah, it’s quite a lot. So again, there’s a lot of points of this. I want to discuss it later when she actually discusses this as evidence because it’s one of the only things that she uses, but have it be known, most of the language, if it seems weird or particular, a lot of it is really referring to this one publication, which is ridiculous.

Andrew: And also, J.K. Rowling does not have to have this type of storyline in her books. She’s acting like, “Oh, because it’s set in present day, I just have to research this and have to include it.” No, you don’t. You’re still writing a fictional world.

Eric: Well, and not to mention the character of Pippa is like, the world’s worst stereotype of transgender women. And Cormoran himself threatens Pippa with rape, prison rape.

Sarah: I didn’t know that. I’ve never read this. But what I was about to say is that I’m sure that even in her “research,” it’s not even accurate, because I mean, there is no minimum therapy requirement to receive a therapeutic support letter for gender reassignment surgery, or what we know as gender affirmation surgeries. And so my assumption is that this book writes about it in very outdated terms that aren’t common ethical practice right now. So… ooh, yikes. A lot of yikes.

Micah: Yeah, I’m sure we could definitely do an entire episode just digging into these issues as they pertain specifically to The Silkworm, but wanted to highlight another quote that she had in her open letter, one that was almost digging for sympathy, I would say. And she said, “What I didn’t expect in the aftermath of my cancellation -“ and she’s talking about her Twitter cancellation “- was the avalanche of emails and letters that came showering down upon me, the overwhelming majority of which were positive, grateful, and supportive. They came from a cross-section of kind, empathetic, and intelligent people, some of them working in fields dealing with gender dysphoria and trans people, who’re all deeply concerned about the way a socio-political concept is influencing politics, medical practice, and safeguarding.”

Andrew: She really wanted to let us know that some people are on her side, and yeah, okay, great. When you have 14 million followers on Twitter, I would expect some people to agree with you. Congratulations.

Sarah: But if you’re not going to name people, though… “influencing politics, medical practice, and safeguarding.” Who we talking about? Are they actually people that are credible and are well-known for working within the space? And what I am viewing this whole thing as is if J.K. Rowling isn’t talking about it, I am assuming that either she is not actually hearing from these people, or she is hearing from people that are not very credible, because of the times when someone does seem credible – again, such as Lisa Littman – she discusses in great detail who this person is. She is very name-droppy about it.

Andrew: Right.

Sarah: And so I don’t buy it. This isn’t correct.

Eric: Yeah, I saw on Twitter, this quote, “Working in fields dealing with gender dysphoria.” Somebody said, “Yeah, like a bathroom architect could claim to work in this field.”

[Micah and Sarah laugh]

Eric: Are those people emailing Jo? Who’s emailing Jo? But what bothers me the most about this is she says that all of these people are kind, empathetic, intelligent. If they saw what she posted on Twitter in December, which is “Live how you like, dress how you like, feel the way you want to feel” in that very standoffish gender cancellation, trans cancellation tweet, how could anybody respond to that going, “Yeah, Jo, you’re right”? How are those empathetic, kind people? Because she was spewing hate when people replied to that. So what about it makes them kind and empathetic?

Laura: They agree with her. It’s honestly just a better-worded version of the “Many people are saying” argument that we hear a lot nowadays.

Micah: It also in a way has an underlying implication that those who are in opposition to her are not kind, empathetic, or intelligent.

Sarah: Yeah, which she directly says later in the statement. And so yeah, she is painting a picture, and this is the picture that she’s painting. I don’t know why she’s choosing to paint this.

Andrew: She also said, “I’d stepped back from Twitter for many months both before and after tweeting support for Maya, because I knew it was doing nothing good for my mental health.” That is something we suspected, and look, we understand Twitter can be a bad, dark place. And then she says, “Ironically, radical feminists aren’t even trans-exclusionary – they include trans men in their feminism, because they were born women.”

Laura: Oof.

Andrew: Sarah, what is wrong with this?

Sarah: No, they weren’t. They were assigned female at birth. And also, widely known about feminism: not just about women. The patriarchy affects men and women. And so this was one of the funnier things to me when reading the statement, was how when she was trying to paint her argument, she accidentally said the exact transphobic thing she’s being accused of instead of her flowery language. Yeah, if you are calling trans men “women,” that is the point. That is the problem with everything you are thinking.

Eric: But that goes in line with what she said about people who menstruate are women, right?

Sarah: Yeah. And I mean, that isn’t even true, medically. There are lots of cis women who don’t menstruate, either by choice through birth control, or through a medical issue where they have to have surgery done. They have polycystic ovarian syndrome. There are lots of legitimate reasons where women don’t menstruate.

Eric: Oh, not to mention postmenopausal women as well, our grandmothers.

Sarah: Yeah, exactly. And there are also lots of men who menstruate. A lot of people don’t understand how transition works, but it is very common for trans men either to menstruate continuously while on testosterone, or to have issues with hormone levels where it comes back for a period of time. I have three trans men that I’m working with right now that this is currently an issue that they are going to doctors about, and they’re not quite sure what happened with their levels or if their prescription needs to be changed or something in life, but their period just returned. This is just incorrect. And also, a lot of cis women don’t view that as helpful. When you just say womanhood is about menstruation, we have a lot of historical issues with women who experience infertility not being included in womanhood. And so she is saying that she wants to be supported in her womanhood, but she’s not even including all women in that because there are lots of cis women who would probably feel better with the opinion article titled as it was, because it doesn’t call into question their womanhood for not bleeding.

Laura: It also just feels like a strange hill to die on to say that womanhood is defined by menstruation, because anyone who’s ever experienced menstruation knows that it’s not something that is societally celebrated.

Andrew: Yeah, you don’t love it, right? It’s not like, a party.

Sarah: It’s also medically damaging. Endometriosis is a huge issue that a lot more women face than we have diagnosed that they are facing. And a lot of times women will go to the ER or go schedule doctor appointments to discuss endometriosis symptoms, and will be told that they are exaggerating or they’re being hysterical or that this isn’t what’s happening. And so this is like… no one’s paying attention to this anyway. [laughs]

Laura: In her statement she moves on to say, “Accusations of TERFery have been sufficient to intimidate many people, institutions, and organizations I once admired, who’re cowering before the tactics of the playground. […] What’s next, they’ll say you’ve got fleas? Speaking as a biological woman, a lot of people in positions of power really need to grow a pair (which is doubtless literally possible, according to the kind of people who argue that clownfish prove humans aren’t…” I don’t know that word.

Sarah: Dimorphic, yeah.

Laura: Okay. [laughs] “… aren’t dimorphic species.”

Micah: This is where – I think, Andrew, you mentioned it earlier – she tries to get a little cute. She tries to be funny, and it just doesn’t resonate. Honestly, for me, I read that and I was just completely confused.

Andrew: My brain shorted out here too. I think she’s trying to confuse us. [laughs]

Sarah: Andrew, you’re mostly right that she is trying to confuse you. She is. It is mind-boggling how many wrong things were said. I don’t know if any of you watch Schitt’s Creek, but I’ve never heard someone say so many wrong things in a row consecutively. First of all, we’ve already discussed “biological woman” and that not being an affirmative term. So what she means is being cisgender, which is the word that we use if you were assigned female at birth and identify as a woman. She’s continuing to again use a logical fallacy. This is a slippery slope argument. And she is using this to make trans-affirmation look moronic for people who do not understand what trans-affirmation actually is, and so she is being very deliberate in talking about clownfish and saying that we think that you can literally grow a pair. No, no one says any of that. And this is another place that… for people who understand more about trans activism and also TERF spaces, she is using a lot of TERF language. Some of the examples, we’re not going to talk about all them in quotes, but you can look through the statement [laughs] if you feel you must. So “gender critical women” is a very TERF term; discussing the category, the gender, as women, men, and trans people; discussing “natal” girls; discussing rapid-onset gender dysphoria. Those are terms you only see if you are on TERF Twitter, or in TERF spaces. And so those are other reasons that we know that the sources that she’s supposedly reading are not legitimate. These are not terms that are scholarly; these are terms that are almost exclusively used in transphobic spaces and publications and blogs.

Eric: And they run up against science.

Sarah: Yes.

Andrew: So if you don’t want to be called a TERF, don’t use TERF language out of the TERF dictionary. It’s kind of that simple. So now let’s move on to the BuzzFeed portion of the article; she laid out the top five reasons why she’s speaking out.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: This article is all over the place.

Sarah: It really is.

Eric: There’s a listicle in here!

Micah: I know that there’s been a lot of troubling things that have already been said, but I think it gets even more so as we move into this top five because there’s so many things that are conflated together that really… I understand for her there’s connections, but the conclusions that she ultimately draws, I think, are a little bit discomforting.

Andrew: And she calls this “the new trans activism,” but Sarah, you take issue with that, right?

Sarah: Yeah, this isn’t new. I mean, we are seeing now with a lot of the Black Lives Matter movement and a lot of intersectionality with that, people are becoming very well-acquainted that Stonewall was started by black trans women. This has always been the case. Trans women and trans men and trans issues are intertwined with a lot of queer history. And to this point, the “like” incidents that she had actually showed you even more how exclusionary and transphobic her beliefs are, because she publicly acknowledged through liking the tweet of a gay activist, whose name is Fred Sargeant, who was a veteran of the Stonewall riots, and a “first Pride organizer and an early contributor to the first draft of the gay agenda,” according to his Twitter bio, and he is a fierce advocate of exclusion of transgender people from the LGBTQ community. And he says, “It’s time to remove the T from same-sex advocacy groups. Trans has nothing to do with us and we owe them nothing.” So I’m just going to leave that there for you.

Laura: Oof.

Micah: Let’s take a look here at the five reasons why she’s speaking out. The first is related to her charitable trust, which is focused on alleviating social deprivation with an emphasis on both women and children. She says, “Among other things, my trust supports projects for female prisoners and for survivors of domestic and sexual abuse. I also fund medical research into MS, a disease that behaves very differently in men and women. It’s been clear to me for a while that the new trans activism is having (or is likely to have, if all its demands are met) a significant impact on many of the causes I support, because it’s pushing to erode the legal definition of sex and replace it with gender.”

Laura: And we felt this was a good time to talk about what the proposed changes to the Scottish Gender Recognition Act would look like, because after you read this, it makes me wonder what she’s talking about in the preamble to these recommendations. It says, “The Scottish Government’s proposals to reform the 2004 Act will not make any changes to the Equality Act of 2010. […] This means that single sex services are protected as are single sex employment rights and health services.” According to this, Scotland is not looking to make the kinds of changes that she claims the trans community is trying to push for. Additionally, I wanted to point out that the reason that Scotland is looking to update its Gender Recognition Act is because the World Health Organization has actually updated its definition of gender identity. So according to the World Health Organization, gender identity disorders are no longer listed in the “Mental and behavioral disorders” chapter, and are now in the new “Conditions related to sexual health” chapter. So this is twofold. Scotland is looking to take down some of the barriers that in the past made it more difficult for people to have their gender recognized, but at the same time, they’re also working to be compliant with the World Health Organization.

Micah: This would have been a perfect opportunity for her, though – we talked about it earlier in the episode – to include a link to provide people with a reference point for this Gender Recognition bill in Scotland, because without having this available to us without one of our listeners sending it in, I don’t think we would have the same context.

Eric: Yeah, we’re going to take her word for it. She wants us to take her word for it. And even though I read this for the first time, and I was like, “Oh, she’s really concerned,” I did get the sense that there was some kind of boogeyman in the background of all of her writing.

Sarah: There was one point where she discussed a certificate, and I remember reading that and being like, “What is she talking about? What certificate is this? And what does she think she’s talking about? What’s going on?” And I didn’t know that this was happening. I mean, there are always policy changes happening, trying to limit trans healthcare everywhere, and so I should have assumed that there was something happening. But the certificate that she talks about later is directly from this proposed act, and it made it abundantly clear to me, and I then reread the statement through that lens. And a lot of the language that she uses is… essentially, she is trying to talk to politicians, trying to lobby for her side of this, and we were just thrown along for the ride without our consent.

Micah: Or just without any context or knowledge as to what this is all about. But the next reason that she gave is that she is an ex-teacher and a founder of a children’s charity, so another charitable foundation position coming from J.K. Rowling here, giving her an interest in education and safeguarding. Safeguarding against what?

Eric: Huh, here we go. Yeah, it’s all about not teaching our kids that they can be who they say they are, right? It’s all about teaching our kids to be the children that we want them to be.

Sarah: So many things like this that are written about marginalized folk pretend that those people don’t exist, and that they aren’t reading this right now. When you are a teacher, you are teaching some people who are cisgender and some people who are trans. So who are we safeguarding?

Laura: Sounds more like gatekeeping.

Andrew: Point three, freedom of speech.

Laura: Yeah, so this was an interesting one. And we’ve actually gotten some commentary from a few folks pointing out we can’t attack J.K. Rowling’s right to free speech. I would just observe – and I mean, I’m speaking from a purely American perspective – we have some documentation here about what free speech looks like in the UK. But freedom of speech, just as a rule, does not mean freedom from consequences, does not mean freedom from other people’s speech. So just as J.K. Rowling can say whatever she wants, we are allowed to respond how we want.

Andrew: Yeah, a lot of people seem to be conveniently forgetting that.

Laura: Yeah, well, it’s a really common thing that happens in this country where people like to lean on freedom of speech, and they forget that the First Amendment protects you from the government, not from private citizens or businesses. So when you put something out into the universe, you have the right to do that, at least in this country, as long as it’s not something like yelling “Fire” in a crowded room, for example. People have every right to respond to that with their own free speech, and that’s exactly what we’re doing here.

Eric: This third reason is two sentences long and she mentions Donald Trump. That’s one of the one of the few names she drops in this paper, is Donald Trump. “I’m interested in freedom of speech and have publicly defended it, even unto Donald Trump.” Okay, thanks, Jo.

Laura: Also, just wanted to point out there could be a different classification of this in the UK. None of us here are experts on free speech in the UK and what exactly it means and the legalities behind this, but we did want to include this: “The exercise of these freedoms, since it carries with it duties and responsibilities, may be subject to such formalities, conditions, restrictions, or penalties as are prescribed by law and are necessary in a democratic society, […] public safety, for the prevention of disorder or crime, for the protection of health or morals, for the protection of the reputation or rights of others.” So that is from the Human Rights Act of 1998.

Andrew: All right, let’s move on to this fourth point. This is a big one: concern about the numbers of people who are detransitioning. So in other words, these people are deciding to transition, in J.K. Rowling’s opinion, sometimes too early, and then they change their minds. And according to her, studies have consistently shown that between 60-90% of gender dysphoric teens will grow out of their dysphoria. Sarah, fact or fiction?

Sarah: [laughs] This is wild. No, no, no.

Andrew: Fiction.

Sarah: Yeah, this is absolutely incorrect. So here are some of the things that we do know about how gender dysphoria works. And I want to be very clear with this, we don’t have many studies directly researching this. And part of that is, again, because this is a marginalized group, and a lot of research is done through grants, and this is not always grant-funded research. But also, in order to understand this methodologically, you would need to do longitudinal studies, and we have not. And so these numbers are crazy. But what we do know is that there was a study done in 1993, which seems like a long time ago, but scholarly, it’s not actually considered that long ago, in terms of this kind of research. And so regrets about transitioning were extremely rare; they found that 1-1.5% of male-to-female trans women, and under 1% of trans men, so female-to-male, regretted transitioning. And further, there was a 2012 trans mental health study, which found when we talk about regrets, and trans people say that they have regrets. Most of the time they are regretting not transitioning sooner, wanted to use a different surgeon, having a complication from surgery, having a work issue arise from coming out… they are not discussing that they don’t want to transition or they regret transitioning in general. And so this is just absolutely false, what she is throwing out.

Eric: This 1993 study says 1-1.5%. That is not 60-90% of people.

Sarah: Yeah. And also, if you say… again, I just keep pretending if this was a peer-reviewed journal, because it makes me laugh every time. That would be so hard. They would just be like, “This is not… how did you get such a crazy number? 60-90 is such a range. This isn’t anything.”

Andrew: It’s a big range.

Sarah: Yeah, this wouldn’t be published. [laughs]

Micah: Because on one end, you’re almost saying 100% of the people, and that’s…

Andrew: Yeah. [laughs] It’s insane.

Laura: And I also wanted to point out just from the political side of things, just given the fact that it seems likely that this is where at least part of her concerns lie, according to the Gender Recognition Act in Scotland, the act of 2004, nobody under the age of 18 can apply for legal gender recognition. The proposed changes to the act say that they may consider lowering that age to 16, so they’re going to seek views about doing that. But certainly, even if this proposal were to be accepted, nobody under the age of 16 would be able to do this. Currently, the age is 18. So it makes me wonder where she’s getting this concern about gender dysphoric children and teens being able to apply for legal gender recognition too early, because it doesn’t seem that the law would allow for it.

Sarah: Yeah. And I have points to discuss a bit later as we get more into quotes that she says that touch more on this, but a lot of gender affirmation procedures and options are done on an informed consent basis, which means you are an adult; you are an autonomous person with agency over your own body. It is my job as the healthcare professional to explain to you what you are engaging in, and then that is it. It is not my job to tell you whether or not you are or are not trans, you will or will not regret this, and lots of adults do things that they regret sometimes. So yes, some people do detransition; that is not a zero. And so that is life. People regret tattoos, people regret other surgeries, people regret marriages. Sometimes you regret something.

Andrew: Right. But she’s so flippant with it; she says, “Oh, so many people are detransitioning,” as if these people did not put a lot of thought into this. And we referenced this earlier; she said that teen girls just get together on a Friday night, and instead of braiding each other’s hair and playing board games or whatever they’re doing, gossiping about boys, they all get together and they say, “You know what? Let’s all change our gender.” In what world does that happen? Certainly not on this planet. And I find it so offensive that she would just be so flippant with that kind of idea. And also, reminds me of this passage a little later, where she says, “I can’t help but wonder if I’d been born 30 years later, I too might have tried to transition.” J.K. Rowling, this is not a light decision that people take. They don’t make it to avoid physical abuse, they’re making it because they feel deep within them that they are not the biological sex that they were born with.

Sarah: Yeah, and it’s something that, from the mental health point of view… and again, this is as an American experience, and so it is different in the UK. Some of it is more streamlined; that makes it in a lot of ways harder to get a hold of. Getting, I guess “registered” is not the right word that they would use, but getting involved with a gender clinic makes it so that way your procedures are covered, but it also can be a huge waitlist. And so as an American and working in healthcare, you have to do a lot of work. And what we are fighting for, and what J.K. Rowling is I think unintentionally fighting against, is we are not trying to necessarily make it “easier” just for the sake of making it easier. But it’s tied to knowledge; it’s tied to research. What is happening now, because we are having all these policy limitations on trans-affirmative care, is it allows professionals to not be knowledgeable of what gender dysphoria looks like, how to treat it, and how it presents. And that is what is killing people. And so when you are working in mental health for trans people, there is an ethical standard that we are supposed to follow called the WPATH Standards of Care. WPATH is the World Professional Association of Transgender Health. It’s available for free online; you can look it up. It’s like a 120 page PDF, but it has a pretty good table of contents, so you can look around. But there are discussions like, “This is what healthcare professionals or therapists in this case are supposed to help you with,” explaining how to work through the systems of oppression, to know what’s going on. And I have worked with several clients that have thought they were trans and realized it was something else. And it’s something that I introduce readily to them that you can be questioning, you can know that there’s something up, but there’s a lack of language, there’s a lack of research. And because of that, you cannot exactly know what is happening or what you want to do, especially because we have this in such binary terms. And so sometimes what that looks like is someone comes in and they believe that they are a trans guy and that they need to do all of medical transition, become “complete,” a lot of people will use that language, and then they’ll realize that “Oh, no. I want testosterone, yes. I want top surgery, yes. But I don’t need bottom surgery,” or “I don’t need to change my name. I don’t need to change my gender marker here.” As I discuss this with clients, it’s as if you’re entering a buffet, and you have a choice of what things you choose at that buffet. And if J.K. Rowling was in therapy… also, it doesn’t need to be 30 years later. Trans people existed 30 years ago. You just needed to find someone who was informed on this. And right now, because of the policy limitations, people are not informed, and it is making it harder for trans people to find educated providers for them to explain what’s going on, to help them see what’s going on, and also, just medically to still do the tests that they need. There are lots of times that trans people will go into a medical office or the ER and request something like, again, a hysterectomy or a prostate exam, and they will be denied that because they will believe that they do not need that. And that kind of flippant response is what we’re fighting against here and what we’re hoping to alleviate by educating people further.

Andrew: Let’s complete her listicle here, though. Point five was that she shared her personal experiences with domestic abuse and sexual assault. And of course, that is absolutely awful; we are so sorry to hear that. She notes that this is the first time she’s speaking so openly about this. She also got permission from her daughter to share her story. But she says this is one of the reasons why she felt the need to speak out.

Eric: Yeah, here’s a quote that she sounds really understanding of the situation at large. She says, “I believe the majority of trans-identified people not only pose zero threat to others, but are vulnerable for all the reasons I’ve outlined. Trans people need and deserve protection. Like women, they’re most likely to be killed by sexual partners. Trans women who work in the sex industry, particularly trans women of color, are at particular risk. Like every other domestic abuse and sexual assault survivor I know, I feel nothing but empathy and solidarity with trans women who’ve been abused by men. So I want trans women to be safe. At the same time, I do not want to make natal girls and women less safe. When you throw open the doors of bathrooms and changing rooms to any men who believe or feels he’s a woman – and, as I’ve said, gender confirmation certificates may now be granted without any need for surgery or hormones – then you open the door to any and all men who wish to come inside. That is the simple truth.” Sarah, is that the simple truth?

Sarah: No.

[Andrew and Sarah laugh]

Eric: She’s seeming so understanding. That whole thing about how trans women are so at risk, it seems to… she’s doing my head in here.

Andrew: The bathroom argument is so darn stupid, and this has come up in America multiple times as well. The bathrooms for women and men, public restrooms, are unlocked. Guys can get in there and be total you-know-whats, awful people if they really want to; they do not need to transition in order to do that. I think this bathroom argument is just so stupid, and it gets brought up so often. A bathroom door with a women’s sign on it is not going to stop men from being predators.

Eric: Don’t we also think that trans women are more at risk if they use a men’s room, if they’ve transitioned?

Andrew and Sarah: Yes.

Sarah: I mean, so this is something that lots of trans people will consciously think about before they leave their house, is how long they’re going to be gone, whether or not they’re going to need to use a restroom while they’re gone, how close they’re going to be to home. Because the bathroom debates that are happening make it unsafe for trans women to use the men or women’s restroom; also make it unsafe for trans men to use the men or women’s restroom. There are lots of times… the abuse that happens is to trans people, where some person is trying to police them. And I mean, it is scary. Think about how scary that would be, if you are just trying to use the restroom, especially if you really need to use the restroom, and then you were just being yelled at, or the manager is being called on you, or the police are being called on you. And that is what happens to a lot of trans people. And I mean, in her fifth point… and I know that there’s been a lot of things that have happened since then, about J.K. Rowling’s history of abuse and discussing it in terms of… I think The Sun is the publication that…

Eric: Which, I’m going to come right out and condemn that. That was the worst display of anything. And it’s very easy to say that that is the absolute worst thing that could have come from this tabloid.

Sarah: No, that was appalling. But it becomes clear, and quite honestly, I think J.K. Rowling is proving through this piece, she really needs therapy. This is something that she very casually, and again, tries to make a joke of. It’s a common family running gag, like my jumpiness. That is PTSD. And I’m not diagnosing her, but I’m saying that there are a lot of things that she wrote that are upsetting, and I hope that she gets help for it. And she discusses at different places, so she discusses abuse and she discusses her coming to terms with femininity for herself. As Harry Potter fans, I just want to say I’ve been rereading Order of the Phoenix with a reading group during quarantine, and in that book in particular, but through all the books, she shows a lot of internalized misogyny. There are a lot of issues with how she presents femininity, and she reserves her comments about femininity for villains. She talks about it for Umbridge, talks about it for Parvati and Lavender… she needs to work through this, and I hope that she works through this and she finds some professional help.

Eric: Well, and let’s not forget how she deals with Umbridge – how the kids relieved Umbridge from the school – is by savage violence against Umbridge. It’s definitely ringing some bells.

Laura: Something that I would just like to bring up again, from the Scottish Gender Recognition Act, currently applicants must live, and this is from the act itself, this is the language from it, applicants must have lived in their acquired gender for a minimum of two years currently, in Scotland, before they can apply for a gender recognition certificate. The proposed change to the act would reduce that period to three months, after which they can apply for the certificate. And after their application is accepted, they would have to go through a three-month reflection period before proceeding. So the way that she’s presenting this argument, it’s as though once somebody has that gender recognition certificate, they can go into any bathroom they want, as though somebody who has the aim to assault somebody would go through a six-month period to get their certificate, and then show up at the bathroom being like, “I have my certificate now.” No, that’s not how any of this works.

Andrew: Of course not.

Eric: There’s just no evidence. There’s just no evidence of this occurring.

Andrew: Well, and the other thing is, think about these men who would want to do that. Do you think they would want to be trans people? No, so they wouldn’t take that on either. Somebody who’s transitioning doesn’t want to go through the burden of being judged and mistreated for this either. A lot of this just reminds me of the gay rights movement. LGBT, we’re all looped together, because this is not a choice. And we don’t want to go through the pain and the hurt and the prejudice that comes along with coming out, and for J.K. Rowling to act like this is an easy process is just really offensive.

Sarah: Yeah. And it’s really… I don’t want to get into the weeds of it, but it is really not easy. And it is expensive, it is time consuming, it is stressful. It’s not an easy process as it is, and so trying to make it harder is inhumane.

Micah: One of the things that stood out to me, too, was when she says, “Again and again I’ve been told to ‘just meet some trans people,'” and then she goes into, “Well, I have, and dot dot dot,” but it just reminds me of when people will always say, “Oh, well, just meet a few gay people, meet a few Black people, meet a few Jewish peoples,” like somehow that solves the problem. It’s not just a matter of meeting; you have to listen, you have to have conversation, you have to get… that’s the only way that you’re going to get a better understanding of what is going on.

Andrew: Yeah, she’s not listening. That’s the problem.

Micah: Right.

Sarah: It was especially clear… she ends all of this by discussing that she’s asking for empathy, and that to be extended to her and the millions of women. And many people have tried to be empathetic to her and open up dialogues, and she has blocked them on Twitter. She closed replies to this post. Her request is being granted, and she is actively avoiding it and actively shutting it down, and so that’s not what she’s asking.

Laura: Not to mention the number of LGBT affirming groups that have reached out and offered to have closed door conversations with her. She has denied those offers.

Andrew: Yeah, she doesn’t want to hear it. The last point, Sarah, you wanted to bring up.

Sarah: As we talked about already, she didn’t cite almost any sources, but there was one that she did. And so she discussed Lisa Littman, and I’m not going to get too into it. I think it’ll be in the show notes. I wrote a piece discussing, scholarly, what’s going on in her statement. But briefly, Lisa Litman wrote a paper, again in 2018, and then it was taken down and republished because of some concerns methodologically and through expertise, like expert reviewers coming in again, of what she was discussing. But she hypothesized the idea of rapid-onset gender dysphoria, which, as I discussed, has taken off like wildfire in a lot of TERF spaces. And so what rapid-onset gender dysphoria essentially is, is that teenagers are getting together and they’re all transitioning, and so it’s that “transtrender” that we might have heard before.

Andrew: Yeah. Woo! This transition party, Saturday night with the girls, let’s do it.

Sarah: Scientifically, this is not something… I mean, as a scholar, I don’t think it’s going to take off very much. There are a lot of methodological concerns. But the purpose of the study in and of itself was not to test anything; this was exploratory. And within scholarship, exploratory research is to come up with ideas for other scholars to test and to see if the hypothesis is accurate and if it stands up to rigor. And so the fact that TERFs are using this as key elements to make grand sweeping statements shows a lack of understanding of how science works, and a lack of understanding of what Lisa was trying to do in this publication. And she just has another point where she talks about a psychiatrist, I believe in his resignation letter, which, weird thing to quote is someone’s resignation letter. But she also goes back and forth several times, which is also how you can tell that she doesn’t really have a point to make. She isn’t clear in what she’s talking about. And so some of the things that she does, she discusses early on that in the UK, they have seen a 4,400% increase in trans men, which is a wild number. I wonder where she got that. So essentially, what that means is that this is a concern mostly of trans men, and then she spends this entire manifesto discussing trans women. And then she goes on to say that she believes that the majority of trans people are not a threat, and that they are also vulnerable, deserve protection. And so just doing some quick math here, I don’t know how many numbers she is talking about. She keeps making these grand accusations. But when she gets down into it, she is making it clear that she knows that she’s not talking about very many, if any at all. And so just pay attention to that as well, because that’s something that is used in a lot of transphobic arguments. Trans women, more often they’re at risk for hate crimes. Just this week, we have had two trans people of color killed in 24 hours, brutally killed; one of them was dismembered. And that also wasn’t news until four days later. Think about how wild that is. Someone was dismembered, and that wasn’t news for days. And so oftentimes when we discuss transphobia, we are discussing trans women as threats, and we are trying to ignore trans men as existing in this. And she is falling into that, even after explicitly stating a 4,400% increase in trans men in the UK.

Andrew: As you’re saying, she’s all over the place. And I’ve been thinking in the back of my head about her timing. It almost seems like she rushed out this blog post. I mean, she made those tweets Saturday night; she published this Wednesday morning, and this is over 3,000 words. Like we’ve said, there’s a lot of information in here. Part of me wonders if she’d been writing this in her head since December, so maybe she was able to punch it out quick. But it does seem like she should have taken more time to research all this, maybe provide a few more links, and maybe think this through, because as you’re saying, it is all over the place.

Laura: Well, and also, I think that when you are voicing something that you think is a problem, the onus is on you to provide a solution. There’s nothing more annoying to me than when people come to the table to complain about something, and then they have no proposal as to how they think it could be better addressed. So she’s saying, “The majority of trans people are not a threat, and they’re also vulnerable and deserve protection.” Okay, if not legal gender recognition by the government, then what? What protection are you talking about?

Eric: There was an element – I think you guys discussed on Millennial – about whether or not J.K. Rowling is salvageable, whether her views can be changed. Do we want to touch on that at all?

Andrew: I don’t think her views can be changed. She makes it very clear in this letter that she is not going to back down. I mean, she literally says that. She’s at a point in her life and her career where she is very successful; she does not need to change. Why bother? Why bother?

Sarah: And by turning down closed door conversations, I mean, this is willful ignorance at this part. She cannot claim that she just hasn’t had the opportunity. And something that I discuss with a lot of people when they’re having these kinds of conversations of activism and of social justice is really recognizing whether or not someone’s teachable and whether or not you should try to teach them, and she is holding up every sign saying that she ain’t listening. She is not teachable.

Eric: I’m glad you brought that up because I asked my therapist about this. I was bothered by J.K. Rowling’s thing. And he said that, “Well, it seems that this exclusion that J.K. Rowling is perpetuating seems to be fear-based, right? She’s telling us that she’s afraid of what’s happening to women and bathrooms. She’s afraid.” And my therapist, to his credit, said, “That’s actually a little bit more approachable or more solvable than if J.K. Rowling were approaching this from a position of nihilism or hate-based exclusion, which is fear plus the certainty that it’s right to exclude these people.”

Sarah: Yeah. I don’t think your therapist is wrong. So that goes, again, back into, I think, there’s a very clear cry for help in this manifesto. And in order to change, she needs to do some work on herself, and she needs to work through clearly some really deep trauma that she is coming to light with, and that she’s probably been sitting with and wrestling with internally for a while. And until and unless she does that work in her own therapy, no one is going to teach her. This fear is based in her needing to work through her own mental health.

Micah: It’s clear that there’s this deep personal struggle that’s going on within J.K. Rowling. Is there any validity to some of her concerns? Because I think people who are listening to this show are going to ask that question, who are going to read the letter or go on social media. Is there anything that can be taken away from what she’s saying that is actually valid?

Sarah: I mean, she wrote a lot of words, and so probably a little, but not whole points. She never makes a full statement that is correct. And so she has glimmers of other arguments or other things that she could suppose, and so for example, one thing that is potentially an idea that can flourish is the idea of the lived experience of being socialized as female, and that being a reality, and so having safe spaces, having women-only spaces. But that is not something that is as she is wording it, because I have to convince trans women that I work with that they are allowed to go into all-women’s spaces. They know that you don’t want them there, and so trans people are notorious in many ways to be catering to cis feelings. And they do that sometimes unintentionally, I believe, just again, because of internalized transphobia and how the world is operating. But also because of fear. They are so at risk of violence; they are so disproportionately at risk for hate crimes, that they are very observant of their surroundings. And so they do not approach things if it is going to be harmful to them. And so, yes, there is some need sometimes; I can see for there to be spaces for people who are socialized as female to be able to get together, but there are also ways around that that aren’t just ignoring trans people or saying that trans people are taking up too much space. It is we don’t socialize our children in a gendered way. If we, again, worked with feminism and tried to tackle the system of the patriarchy, we wouldn’t need those safe spaces in those ways.

Micah: Yeah, the second part of that question was, we talked a lot about rushing to judgment at the top of the show; a lot of people think that that’s what we’re doing. But in terms of flipping to the other side of the coin, and people who will just go and say, “#IStandWithJKR,” right? We’ve gotten emails about that; we’ve seen tweets about that. What does that mean? And why should people be careful about just jumping to that conclusion?

Sarah: Yeah. When you say that you stand with JKR, again, if you are supporting this opinion, what does that actually mean? What it means is…

Micah: It’s not supporting Harry Potter.

Sarah: Yeah, it’s not supporting Harry Potter. But it also means that this becomes a louder voice, it becomes more of a political voice, and it leads to this gender act that we’re seeing in the UK. It leads to what we are now seeing in the US. It leads to discrimination in mental healthcare and in medical spaces. It has ripple effects. And so I think that it’s important for people to understand the consequences of opinions. And like Laura said at the beginning, yeah, we have freedom of speech and you’re allowed to have opinions, but that doesn’t mean that you are allowed to shout “Fire” in a crowded theater. It doesn’t mean that you are free from people criticizing your opinions. And the reason why people are so quick – and experts are also so quick – people who work in these spaces are so quick to shut this down is because they have huge lasting impacts. The bills that we are setting place will last for generations. These are fights that will kill people and have killed people, and you cannot deny those facts. And so we can all have different emotions with J.K. Rowling; we obviously have connections to Harry Potter. When it comes down to it – and I’m saying this as a huge Harry Potter fan – Harry Potter is a story and it is something that we enjoy. My interest in it will never override people’s livelihoods and people’s safety. And that is what J.K. Rowling is doing now.

Eric: Sarah, while we still have you here, we have the perk of I guess listening to some comments, or responding to some comments that we got live. My final question for you, really, is just why is it important that women and so-called natal girls do not fear trans women?

Sarah: Trans women are doing exactly what we think cis women are when we frame the arguments of “Cis women should be allowed to exist in the world without threat of violence from men.” But being allowed to walk alone at night, not put your keys between your fingers ready to attack someone if they’re coming to you, that is what trans women are also experiencing. And that’s why y’all have the same fight. And trans women, as I said before, are so at risk and are so persecuted. A lot of the time, it is very real that this threat of violence is happening against cis woman, and no one is denouncing that, no one is saying that that isn’t happening. That is happening. But that is happening astronomically more often to trans women. This year we’ve already seen… well, the number is higher now. When I was on Millennial I said 12 trans people; I think we’re now at 15 trans people that were killed in 2020, half of which, I should remind people, we were supposed to be staying in our houses. And last year there were I think 26 trans women or trans people that were killed and 21 were trans woman. And so this is a disproportionate issue to trans women and it is keeping them safe, and they are not violent. They are not a threat to you. They are seeking the same solace and protection that J.K. Rowling is hoping to give cis women.

Andrew: So one final thing before we discuss what we’re going to be doing going forward: WB issued a statement, and this was the worst statement of all, but this is what happens when Warner Bros. still has three movies, maybe a TV series, maybe other movies in the pipeline with J.K. Rowling. They don’t want to piss her off. So they issued their statement, and it says, “The events of the last several weeks have firmed our resolve as a company to confront difficult societal issues. Warner Bros.’ position on inclusiveness is well established, and fostering a diverse and inclusive culture has never been more important to our company and to our audiences around the world. We deeply value the work of our storytellers who give so much of themselves in sharing their creations with us all. We recognize our responsibility to foster empathy and advocate understanding of all communities and all people, particularly those we work with and those we reach through our content.” So they don’t address J.K. Rowling. They don’t say anything. [laughs]

Laura: They don’t take a position.

Micah: Well, in all honesty, I mean, this could easily have been a statement that they released around recent events that have been going on in our country. They just changed a couple of words.

Andrew: Yeah, it could be anything. [laughs] But as I tweeted, this is what it looks like when you don’t want to piss off the woman who is responsible for an obscene amount of your profits. They can’t lose her. They need her. But they had to say something; it’s just a whole lot of nothing.

Laura: Something else I just wanted to plug before we move on to what MuggleCast is going to look like in the future – thanks again to Anna for sending this in – for Scottish listeners who want to support the Gender Recognition Act, you can head over to LGBTyouth.org.uk to find an email template and a list of your members of Scottish Parliament to contact in support of the act.

Andrew: So what are we going to do going forward? And we’re bringing this up because a lot of people, like I said, have been very hurt by J.K. Rowling’s comments, and they feel they are done with her. MuggleCast has always been an escape for people, just like Harry Potter has been, and we would never want to end the show. We want to continue providing an escape for people. We genuinely enjoy doing this, working together, talking about Harry Potter and the lessons and all the intricacies of the series. So that said, we are going to be making a few changes, because we don’t feel like we can support J.K. Rowling in the way that we have before. And we’ve heard from some people who have said, “You guys are actually too late on this. You should have started treating her differently sooner.” And to those people, I say now, I think you’re right. I don’t think we were thinking as clearly as we should have been months ago or even years ago, because there have been a lot of problematic stances from J.K. Rowling in the past couple of years. And also, people are looking at her books again, and thinking back to some problematic views, which maybe we can address at another time.

Micah: We’ve also heard from people who said that we should be eternally grateful…

Andrew: We are!

Micah: … and give all praise to J.K. Rowling. And we are, 100%.

Andrew: But we don’t need to suck up to her every time we criticize her.

Micah: Exactly.

Andrew: That’s the crazy part. Some people are like, “I haven’t heard a thank you out of you while criticizing J.K. Rowling.” We need to do that every time? No, we don’t!

Sarah: I mean, it’s 2020. We all have a problematic phase. We’re all learning how all these things that we love were created by people to varying degrees of disappointment to us. And I think loving a thing does not ever have to mean just ignoring parts of it that are wrong. To love something is to treat it seriously and critically, and there are lots of spaces. I mean, when I first fell in love with MuggleCast, that was one of the reasons. I loved how much this show treated this work like it mattered. And if we’re going to treat it like it matters, I think that that also means that we have to discuss some of these things that we might not like and that might not be the most positive light shone on it.

Andrew: So here are a few of the changes that we’re going to be making. First of all, we are no longer going to be speaking about J.K. Rowling’s projects outside of the wizarding world. We don’t feel comfortable promoting her forthcoming work; that includes Cormoran Strike, the Ichabog, and whatever else she may create. We are also no longer going to talk about what J.K. Rowling is saying on Twitter. If she’s hurting fans again, we might bring it up. But like I said at the top of the show, this is the last time we’re going to be discussing what she has to say on this issue in particular in such detail, because we know now – it is abundantly clear – where she stands. And we don’t need to keep talking in circles about why we feel she’s wrong. But this also is applied to everything else that she says on Twitter; we don’t need to talk about it anymore. But we are a Harry Potter podcast and we will continue to cover wizarding world-related announcements and continue to review various elements – I’m thinking video games, I’m thinking theme park – but we’re going to avoid discussing JKR’s involvement in it, if any. And by that I mean we will clarify whether or not something is canon or not, because that’s important, but we’re not going to be talking about it in a way that praises J.K. Rowling. And then finally, we’re going to strive to highlight fan initiatives more and talk more about the fandom. The fandom is what has made Harry Potter so great. J.K. Rowling wrote the stories, but then we all met each other, we all started hanging out together, we celebrated Harry Potter together. J.K. Rowling did not create the fandom. We did. So we’re going to be focusing more on fan creations and the fandom and the people who have made this community so, so great. So those are some of the changes we’re going to be making; there might be more adjustments in the future. And then the final point I’ll bring up here is that we have made a donation to Trans Lifeline. This was brought up earlier. You can find them at TransLifeline.org. This is a trans-led organization that connects trans people to the community, support, and resources that they need to survive and thrive, and this is something right now that is so important as they face backlash from people like J.K. Rowling, from people in the US government, so we’ve made a $700 donation to them and we encourage you to donate if you can. Again, that’s TransLifeline.org.

Micah: Dan Radcliffe’s response or part of his response ties really nicely and really echoes our sentiments as a podcast. He said, “To all the people who now feel their experience of the books has been tarnished or diminished, I am deeply sorry for the pain these comments have caused you. I really hope that you don’t entirely lose what was valuable in these stories to you. If these books taught you that love is the strongest force in the universe, capable of overcoming anything; if they taught you that strength is found in diversity, and that dogmatic ideas of pureness lead to the oppression of vulnerable groups; if you believe that a particular character is trans, nonbinary, or gender fluid, or that they are gay, or bisexual; if you found anything in the stories that resonated with you and helped you at any time in your life – then that is between you and the book that you read, and it is sacred. And in my opinion nobody can touch that. It means to you what it means to you and I hope that these comments will not taint that too much.”

Laura: With that in mind, as we close out here, I thought that we could just touch on the idea that it’s okay to feel lots of different emotions surrounding this. I feel like when you look at the Internet, you’re seeing the far ends of reactions, and it could be very easy to walk away from this with the interpretation that people who disagree with J.K. Rowling hate her and want to burn her books, and the people who agree with her are just accepting everything that she says at face value. I don’t think that those encapsulate the entirety of the emotional response to this. I know for me, personally, it’s been this ball of emotions that have just been building inside of me for the last few days. And it’s disappointment and resentment, and a little bit of guilt, and just a whole bunch of stuff, and that’s okay. It’s important to talk about it. And it’s important that we sit with this and we really think about this critically as we move forward analyzing the books that we care so much about.

Sarah: I want to briefly say – because I do have to hop off in a couple of minutes – and so I’ve been seeing a lot of things on Twitter about how she raised us to fight against her now, and that is very true and a lot of work, a lot of work in educating yourself. A lot of work and allyship is sitting in discomfort and making yourself understand the complexity of situations. It doesn’t have to come easy. A lot of this shouldn’t come easy. And I feel like for myself, Harry Potter… a lot of the hosts here can say they knew me when I was young, and they knew me just as a Harry Potter fan, and Harry Potter shaped a lot of my goals. It shaped a lot of my scholarship. I talk about quotes in my practice. I think I even have some Harry Potter artwork in my office; I know that I have a ton of it in my house. This is something that is still greatly a part of my life, and it is greatly a part of my life because it taught lessons that apparently J.K. Rowling didn’t necessarily mean to teach, or meant it at the time and then forgot she meant it. I don’t quite know what it is, but we have to make the choice between what is right and what is easy right now. And what is easy is to simplify that Harry Potter is J.K. Rowling and J.K. Rowling has to be good because Harry Potter is good. And what is right is recognizing we love Harry Potter because it’s a deep story. It’s a complex story. It roots for the underdog. It says that we can fight for what is right and fight against oppressive systems that are trying to intentionally hurt people. In the series we see how it is hurting Muggle-borns, it is hurting other magical beasts, and in the real world, it is hurting marginalized folk. It is hurting people of color. It is hurting trans people. It is hurting queer people. And I know that it is my love for Harry Potter and my continued love for Harry Potter that is making me say this and that is making me know that J.K. Rowling is wrong. And I can hold both thoughts in my head that J.K. Rowling is wrong, and that Harry Potter is still good, and Harry Potter is still something that is worth exploring and seeing the lessons within it.

Andrew: I have never been so sure of a clip to use on social media.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Dr. Sarah Steelman, thank you so much. You are a licensed marriage and family therapist out of Vegas specializing in LGBTQ+ affirmative practices. Thank you so much for joining us on today’s episode. You are wonderful.

Micah: Yes.

Laura: Thank you, thank you.

Andrew: You remind us of this every time we speak to you.

Sarah: Thank you all for having me on. It’s very important that we talk to experts, as Dan Radcliffe said, and so I was very happy to be here. And like I said, I did write a piece on this, and if anyone wants to chat with me, the hosts know my contact, and so this conversation doesn’t have to end now. I’m part of the fandom. You can find me online if you need any help.

Andrew: Yeah, we will link to your social media and your Medium article in our show notes today. Bye, Sarah, have a good weekend.

Sarah: Bye.

Laura: Take care.

Andrew: To start wrapping things up here, anymore comments, guys, on how we’re going to treat Harry Potter and J.K. Rowling going forward, or where we go from here as fans?

Eric: I’m just disappointed because there seemed to have been a real opportunity to, I don’t know, level with people instead of doing very misdirecting manipulative things. And our author, our queen, has not taken that route of providing a singular argument, and has just rambled and caused and spread the very fear that we see being enacted in social policies in governments across the world now. So I just want to… me, leaving things, just saying I’m disappointed that this has occurred. That I think Jo somewhere in there is smart enough to not have done this, and I’m just really bummed out. I’m going to read the books as often as I would normally or discuss them as often as I would normally, but I’m really at the point where I’m looking for different voices, diverse voices, diverse artists and authors to support, because I feel like I’ve spent so much of my life… it wasn’t a lie, it wasn’t wasted, but I’ve spent a lot of life supporting people whose views I now know to be problematic. And I wish I could throw some money towards people that actually need it.

Laura: I would like to part by saying that everyone, all of us here, all of you at home, your relationship to Harry Potter and the wizarding world is yours, and it is up to you what that looks like, and what makes you comfortable. This, what we talked about today, we certainly feel very strongly about this. But at the same time, we’re not saying that you should not have a relationship with J.K. Rowling’s work that makes you comfortable. So we’re not going to judge anybody if they decide they want to continue, for example, reading future works that J.K. Rowling puts out; that’s a very personal choice. We just hope that as you continue your journey, that this is a point of view that you keep in mind.

Micah: That’s a great point. And for me – I know I touched on this earlier – but there’s a lot to be said for the educational piece of this. And I think Sarah hit it right on the head when she was talking about sometimes being an ally and learning new things is uncomfortable, and it should be. And I think that what we’re talking about right now may even be more uncomfortable for people because, especially here in the United States, it’s already layered on societal issues that are going on where people are uncomfortable, and they’re realizing that there’s been a lot of social injustice that has gone on in this country for quite a period of time. And I think, in a way, it’s an awakening for a lot of people to realize that they don’t know what they don’t know. And it’s time to sit down and have conversations and learn in order for us to be able to move forward.

Andrew: The last point I want to make is in the show notes, we’re going to link to a thread by somebody on Twitter named Andrew James Carter, who broke down J.K. Rowling’s blog post point by point, and why I want to share it is because he actually used evidence and facts and shared a lot of data, unlike J.K. Rowling. And I think it’s important to read that because you’ll understand that unlike J.K. Rowling, Andrew James Carter put a lot of thought into his response to J.K. Rowling. And I think it’s important to get the full picture and he provides that, so we’ll include a link in the show notes as well. Next week, we won’t talk about this; we will return to Chapter by Chapter and celebrate the Harry Potter fandom as we always do. And if you have any feedback about today’s discussion, of course, we would love to hear it, no matter which side you are on. You can email MuggleCast@gmail.com or use the contact form on MuggleCast.com. And then, of course, you can send us a voice memo or you can use the voicemail line 1-920-3-MUGGLE. That’s 1-920-368-4453.

Micah: Chapter 32, “Out of the Fire,” which would have been an appropriate title for this episode, too, I think.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: We’ll finally get back to that Umbridge suck count, and hopefully cross 100.

Micah: I think I pushed it across the 100 mark, not to tease ahead to next week…

[Eric laughs]

Micah: … but I was working on that chapter analysis before this all went down.

Andrew: Came up, yeah. Okay. Cool.

Micah: She sucks a lot in the next chapter.

Laura: Yeah, we can definitely accomplish 100, bare minimum.

Andrew: [laughs] All right, thank you, everybody, for listening. We appreciate it. And to those who have been skeptical of the outrage, if you’ve made it this far into the episode, we appreciate you too. We know this is a hard conversation to be had. But we felt very strongly about this, and this is why we’ve spent nearly two hours in today’s episode talking about this, and we hope some people’s minds have been changed. If not, that’s okay. We still respect you and love you. Thanks, everybody, for listening. I’m Andrew.

Eric: I’m Eric.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: Bye, everybody.

Laura: Take care, y’all.

Transcript #462

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #462, Kreacher and the Keys (OOTP 25, The Beetle at Bay)


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into J.K. Rowling’s Wizarding World. I’m Andrew.

Eric Scull: I’m Eric.

Micah Tannenbaum: I’m Micah.

Laura Tee: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: And we’re going to start the show with more good news this week. Last week, we celebrated the fact that Rupert Grint is having a child with his longtime girlfriend, and now here’s another cute story: We’re learning that J.K. Rowling secretly bought her childhood home back in 2011, and somehow this just only came out. This was in a report from the BBC, and she bought her childhood home that she lived in from between the ages of 9 and 18, and it’s kind of funny. [laughs] First of all, this story says that the cottage was said to have elements of the Harry Potter story within its walls, including a cupboard under the stairs. But Rowling also graffitied the home, just like she did that hotel room where she finished Deathly Hallows.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: She left her mark on Church Cottage, with “Joanne Rowling slept here circa 1982” scrawled on one wall.

Eric: I’m telling you guys, we’re going to start finding… these things are going to surface, places where Jo went and just wrote on walls and busts and other stuff. More people are going to come forward, and her criminal deeds are going to be brought to light.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: You know what? J.K. Rowling, feel free to come write on my walls. Increase my home value. Thank you.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: What would that add to somebody’s home? $30,000?

Eric: Yeah, maybe. Pretty cool story. I think that J.K. Rowling is living all of our dreams. I mean, at least me; I would want to buy my childhood home for the nostalgia factor alone.

Micah: It actually is a very nice home, very quaint and comfortable, it looks like. What’s the deal in the front, though, with the cars? How can you be parked in both directions? I don’t understand.

Andrew: That’s an England thing, I assume.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: I don’t know. [laughs]

Micah: No, it’s the detail that I pick up on. I see a goat by the bush in the back.

Andrew: [laughs] Micah wouldn’t buy this home because you park in either direction right out front of the home.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: It’s not good for his OCD. Speaking of J.K. Rowling, she continues to tweet up a storm during quarantine. So somebody tweeted J.K. Rowling, “Which of the Harry Potter books was the easiest to write?” And she said, Prisoner of Azkaban. I was in a more financially secure place, Pottermania wasn’t yet overwhelming, and my daughter had started school. For the first time, I had hours a day to write, and that book just wrote itself.”

Eric: Wow.

Andrew: So that was interesting to hear, yeah.

Eric: You can kind of tell, I think, looking back now that she has said this. When you get to Chapter 17 or 18, when they start going down to the Shrieking Shack and all those chapters take place right after each other on the heels of the one before it, there was just so much plot, such a richness that unfurls, and you could tell that J.K. Rowling had those ideas in her and just… I love hearing that she had such an easy time of getting them out, because Prisoner of Azkaban remains my favorite book of the series.

Andrew and Micah: Yeah.

Andrew: Now I want to reread it, knowing that it was the easiest book for her to write.

Micah: Does that also mean it was the most fun?

Andrew: Probably.

Micah: Because I just think of – to your point, Eric – the whole Marauders backstory, and it just… Prisoner of Azkaban, despite everything with Sirius and the Dementors, there’s still this bit of levity to it, and it’s just so much fun to read, and that’s why I would pick it still as my favorite book. It’s unfortunate to hear, though, that it seems like in other cases – and we know she’s talked about it with, I think in particular, Goblet of Fire – the pressure that she was under to write, and I really do wonder if that impacted some of the storylines. And I mean, she should take a page out of George R.R. Martin’s book. I mean, that dude has been writing The Winds of Winter for almost ten years at this point.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: She shouldn’t have given in to pressure.

Andrew: [laughs] So we should have given her ten years to write one of these Harry Potter books?

Micah: No, but I think if she had a little bit more flexibility in terms of writing Goblet of Fire, Order of the Phoenix… because she’s been critical, at least from what I remember in interviews, of some of those middle books, and not really getting the time that she wanted to sit down and write them.

Andrew: Yes. And I believe… I was trying to make this a Quizzitch Live question last week, but I couldn’t find the exact quote. I remember J.K. Rowling saying the same thing, that Goblet of Fire, she was working under a deadline, and that was the last book for which she worked under a deadline, and that’s why there was three years in between Goblet of Fire and Order of the Phoenix. Speaking of Order of the Phoenix, she said on Twitter, “Seeing a lot of love for Order of the Phoenix from other readers, which means a huge amount to me. I’m fond of many bits (Luna, Dumbledore’s Army, and Umbridge), but it was a hard book to write for a number of reasons that haven’t ever made it into the public domain, and aren’t about to. It’s hard to communicate the relationship you have with your books post-publication, once they become everybody’s. There are invisible stories interwoven with the printed ones that nobody else can see. It took me years to realize where a certain idea in Potter had come from, because I had taken such a circuitous personal journey up from my subconscious. This is the strange underbelly of published work which only the writer knows. Phoenix is very much that kind of book, so there’s something reassuring about it being loved nonetheless.” So this is interesting because J.K. Rowling is saying Order of the Phoenix was difficult to write for certain reasons that she’s not going to reveal, and she didn’t discover, I think, what she was feeling while writing this book until years later. That’s my interpretation of this tweet.

Eric: Yeah, it’s totally amazing. I am kind of blown away by thinking that the genesis of these subplots is coming from some other place out of the blue; even J.K. Rowling is sort of surprised by what’s in there. But yet she still turns out a completely coherent – if long – plot and book.

Andrew: Right.

Laura: Also, I just want to give her a shout-out for this nice little connecting the threads that she did on Twitter.

Andrew: What do you mean?

Laura: Prisoner of Azkaban? Order of the Phoenix?

Andrew: Oh. [laughs] I thought you were going to be like, “Hermione struggles to write in Order of the Phoenix, just like J.K. Rowling did!”

Laura: No.

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Micah: Yeah, thanks.

Laura: I don’t think Hermione ever struggles to write.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Micah: Laura, clearly she’s listening if she made these connecting the threads tweets.

Laura: Badass.

Andrew: [laughs] Badass. Yeah, so I mean, my guess would be she was going through some mental health struggles maybe, because if this was a hard book to write and she’s not going to open up about it, I think that very well could be one thing that went on. I mean, if it was hard to write because her typewriter wasn’t working, I don’t think she’d have any problem revealing that. But whatever it was was very personal. Maybe it was family issues at the time. Who knows? But that was just a nice little thread to see from J.K. Rowling on Twitter, something we probably never would have heard otherwise if she just wasn’t browsing Twitter and seeing lots of love for Order of the Phoenix.

Eric: I’m glad that she not only came back to Twitter, but is seemingly going back to talking about Potter on it.

Andrew: A little bit.

Eric: A little bit.

Andrew: I don’t think she’s ever going to tell us if Lavender Brown is dead or alive…

Eric: Ugh, unlikely.

Andrew: … but she’ll share these anecdotes from time to time. So before we get to Chapter by Chapter and discuss Order of the Phoenix, we have a brand new sponsor this week.

[Ad break]


Listener Feedback


Andrew: All right, it’s time now for Muggle Mail.

Laura: This comes from Audrey. Audrey says,

“I love this podcast (I’m 11). Anyway, I was thinking about possession with the moment between Nagini and Harry a couple of chapters ago and I was wondering about Ginny. Do you think that she could still have some connection with Voldemort after she was possessed by his memory? Or would she not have a connection because it was just his memory and it was destroyed? Anyway, tell me what you think!”

It’s a good question, Audrey. I think probably because the diary was destroyed, that would have severed the connection. What do you guys think?

Andrew: I would completely agree with that, yeah, because we see what happens when the rest of the Horcruxes are destroyed, and of course, Harry defeats Voldemort and breaks off that connection.

Eric: The trauma remains, unfortunately, for Ginny and for Harry, and so I like to think that maybe some abilities do as well. I would have loved if Ginny retained Parselmouth ability, because Riddle, through her, opened the Chamber of Secrets a couple times. Maybe that would have been even a more satisfying way for them to get down into the Chamber in Book 7 than Ron just fiddling about with trying to speak snake. They could have got Ginny to go down there with them.

Andrew and Micah: Yeah.

Andrew: If anything stuck with Ginny, it was probably just the trauma.

Micah: Well, and the trauma, really, of not being able to remember much of anything. Even in the last couple of chapters when we were talking about her experiences and she makes a point of telling Harry, “Look, I’m the only other person that you know that’s been possessed by Voldemort, and it’s a lot of just not remembering what happened.” So there has to be, definitely, some trauma associated, really, with not being able to remember a lot of her second year at… or I guess it would have been her first year at Hogwarts, sorry.

Eric: Right.

Laura: Yeah. Also, a lot of trauma with the knowledge that this was foisted upon her by an adult. Lucius Malfoy purposely gave her the diary.

Andrew: Yeah, awful!

Laura: And to think that he, a 30-some-odd-year-old man, did this to an 11-year-old girl…

Micah: True.

Eric: Pretty messed up.

Andrew: Cool, Lucius. Cool.

Micah: This was our point, not apples to apples comparison, but with Snape penetrating Harry’s mind.

Andrew: Right.

Micah: There’s definitely some mental security nightmare going on at Hogwarts. Add it to the list at this point.

Andrew: Add it to the list.

Laura: Yeah. Audrey, I think that if the diary hadn’t been destroyed, it would be possible for there still to be some kind of connection, but since it was, I think we’re pretty definitive here that it’s severed. Only the trauma remains.

Andrew: All right, and we have this voice memo from Megan.

[Voicemail plays]

“Hey, MuggleCast, it’s Megan calling from Greece. I was calling because I was listening to your livestream of Episode 461, and I was thinking during your discussion of the Knight Bus and how you guys were talking about how it’s for a stranded or lost witch or wizard, could Harry have, in theory, hailed the Knight Bus when he was transported by Portkey to the graveyard? I mean, it had to be somewhere in the UK, and like Laura mentioned, Mrs. Marsh, I think, lives in Wales. So could he have called the Knight Bus for help? I mean, he was stranded or lost in the graveyard. Thanks for everything you guys do. I love the show.”

[Voicemail ends]

Andrew: Harry! Harry, you could have saved Cedric!

[Laura laughs]

Micah: Yeah, if he would only put his foot out.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: It’s your wand arm.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: Oh, sorry, it’s your wand arm.

Eric: But picture this: He’s dodging spells. The Death Eaters are kind of converging on him. All of a sudden, a hand shoots out, the bus pulls in, and he just jumps on with Cedric and… “Take her away, Ern.”

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: “Okay.” Vroom-vroom.

Andrew: “Take her away from death, Ern!”

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Eric: They just escape. That would have been awesome.

Laura: Yep. Deuces.

Micah: Does your wand have to be out, though, to hail the bus, or no? Because Harry loses his wand as soon as he…

Eric: Oh, it’s taken from him.

Micah: Well, doesn’t Pettigrew take it away?

Andrew: Ah, that’s why Pettigrew did that, so he couldn’t call the Knight Bus.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Micah: But also, if this would have happened in Goblet of Fire, we couldn’t connect the threads as well between Prisoner of Azkaban and Order of the Phoenix.

Eric: That’s true.

Andrew: Right, and of course, Cedric needed to die to advance the plot. Blah, blah, blah.

Laura: Also, I just have a feeling that, had the Knight Bus appeared, I think that Stan and Ernie would have been like, “Nope,” and just kept going.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: “We’re going to ignore this call.”

Micah: Well, and also, then there would have been a lot of witnesses to the fact that Voldemort is back, too.

Andrew: Oh, yeah. Well, that would have been good, right? [laughs]

Micah: Yeah, yeah.

Andrew: Rita Skeeter’s exclusive interview with everybody on the Knight Bus.

Eric: It’s quite possible, since they planned the whole Portkey thing pretty ironclad, that they would have put some kind of spell over the graveyard to prevent people being visible to the outside world. I’m not saying the same shield charms that Hermione uses in DH, but something similar, where you really can’t just hail easy access or something.

Micah: This is what J.K. Rowling was clearly struggling with when writing Goblet of Fire. She didn’t know whether or not to send the Knight Bus to the graveyard.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: There you go.

Micah: But I think it is a cool question, though, from Megan. I will say that.

Andrew: It’s fun!

Micah: Well, we were talking about this earlier: One thing I just thought of – and I can’t remember if it’s the book or the movie – wasn’t it in earlier editions of Goblet of Fire with Priori Incantatem, the people who died came out the wrong way?

Eric and Laura: Yep.

Andrew: Oh, yeah.

Micah: So maybe that’s one example of just a mistake that if she just had more time to write…

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: It was corrected in a later edition. And people thought it was actually a really huge clue, because I believe Lily came out after James, but if it were reversed… or yeah, she should have been the first to come out, but she was the second. So it’s like, “What happened to James? Did he die years later? Is he Lupin?” So we didn’t know.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: Oh yeah, there was that theory. Forgot about that.

Andrew: I did look up the rules of the Knight Bus, and yeah, it looks like it’s just your wand hand that must be stuck into the air. I would not have been critical of the Knight Bus last week if Harry had actually called it and it saved him at the end of Goblet of Fire. But it has served no good purpose, in my opinion, and needs to drive more cautiously. By the way, I just tweeted J.K. Rowling via our Twitter account, “Why didn’t Harry take the Knight Bus at the end of Goblet of Fire in the graveyard?” So we’ll see if she replies.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: All right. You never know.

Andrew: You never know.

Micah: She’s not busy.


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Andrew: Okay, it’s time now for Chapter by Chapter, and this week we are discussing Order of the Phoenix Chapter 25, “The Beetle at Bay.” We’ll start with our Seven-Word Summary.

Laura: Valentine’s…

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

Micah: … Day…

Eric: … happens…

Andrew: … amidst…

Eric: … many…

Micah: … bad…

Laura: … choices.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Good job.

Micah: I didn’t feel the enthusiasm on that one, though, but that’s okay.

Andrew: I liked it.

Micah: No, it’s good. Where we netted out was good. But I know we don’t want to spend too much time evaluating our Seven-Word Summary.

Andrew: Yeah, because they all suck.

Laura: No, that’s up to the patrons.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: Yeah, that is up to the patrons.

Eric: We’re just doing this for the ratings. Let’s be honest.

Micah: That is. Although, I feel bad; Laura keeps going first every week. That is not a easy responsibility.

Laura: I just try to make it interesting, because it’s so easy to start with “Harry…”

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Laura: And I’ve sworn off of doing that.


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Micah: All right, well, I actually posted on our Instagram story a photo of what we’re about to talk about. It’s a really great MinaLima print that I got of the Daily Prophet, and it says “Mass breakout from Azkaban,” and this is how the chapter begins. We learn why Voldemort was so happy at the end of the last chapter, and that is because some of his Death Eater besties are now free.

Eric: This has to have been a massive insider job, and I’m still kind of reeling after reading this chapter, wondering how exactly they pulled it off, whether the Dementors just opened the cells of the ten people that Voldemort most wanted to get out for Voldemort? Or if there’s now Aurors guarding Azkaban if the Dementors just completely left? So many unanswered questions so many years later still.

Laura: I think it is pretty heavily implied, though, that one way or the other, the Dementors are no longer under Ministry control, and that’s what has allowed this to happen and also explains the fact that there’s no Dementors out searching for these escaped convicts.

Eric: I really loved when Cho pointed that out to Harry a little later on in the chapter. What a cool way of looking at things.

Micah: Yeah, very cool.

Andrew: It would have been a funny visual to see the Dementors jingling the keys and slowly opening up these gates one by one.

Eric: [laughs] I like that.

Andrew: I just can’t see them doing it like that. I more picture them ripping the jail cells apart somehow, or sucking up these Death Eaters, bringing them through the cell and then spitting them back out, because the Dementors, they must float right through those jail cell bars.

Eric: Oh, yeah.

Laura: Yeah, I’m sure that’s how it works.

Micah: It is definitely…

Laura: I just kind of think they just left.

Micah: They just peaced out?

Laura: They’re just doing their thing. Yeah, they’re just floating around all creepy out in the world, doing whatever they want. Nobody to guard Azkaban.

Micah: Do you think Voldemort just kind of floated up to Azkaban with a bag full of souls and just started throwing them out?

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Laura: He was like, “Hey, guys, treats! Come here!”

[Eric laughs]

Micah: Yeah, “Bob, Johnny, take five. Go on your break.”

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Micah: “I need to take care of some things.” But let’s talk a little bit about these Death Eaters that are broken out. We get information on a couple of them, the first of whom is Antonin Dolohov, and he is responsible for the murders of Gideon and Fabian Prewett, who are Molly’s brothers. And later on in the series, he’s responsible for the death of Remus Lupin, but is eventually defeated by Filius Flitwick, and not sure what that entails in terms of him being defeated, if he’s actually killed. But let’s talk a little bit about Molly’s brothers, and that Ron doesn’t seem to have much of a reaction to this news.

Eric: Yeah, I’m a bit surprised. They’re at the Great Hall, and Ron surely would have grown up knowing what happened to his uncles, Gideon and Fabian, and they were in the first Order. Moody has shown Harry the photo. One of them it took, like, five Death Eaters to get him in the end. But really, truly inspirational role model type family members, and you get the sense that maybe Molly didn’t talk about them or doesn’t talk about them, because Ron doesn’t even take a moment to go, “Oh my gosh, Gideon and Fabian Prewett. We didn’t mention this, but those were my uncles. That’s mom’s brothers.”

Andrew: “I forgot who killed ’em, dang.” Maybe he just forgot.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: That seems like a Ron thing.

Eric: Yeah, I agree.

Laura: Yeah, the only thing that I could think of to chalk this up to is the fact that the Weasleys as a family, we’ve seen throughout the series, do not like to be pitied, and I could very much see Ron perhaps internalizing this and not wanting to make this moment about him, because yes, it’s tragic that his uncles died; however, that’s in the past, and hopefully he’s considering the current threat? I don’t know. I’m just trying to justify why this might have happened for a very good reason, and not just Ron being dumb, because I don’t think he’s dumb. I think that’s a movie-ism.

Eric: And Molly honors Gideon and Fabian, her brothers, presumably by naming Fred and George with their first initial, F and G, as brothers.

Micah: It’s also totally possible that Ron is just not really paying attention right now either, because even Harry references it later in the chapter that Hermione is one of the only people that actually reads the Daily Prophet. So maybe Ron is just enjoying his breakfast and just kind of listening, but not really listening, and so… but I think also Hermione would be aware of the fact that those are Molly’s brothers, too. It is a little weird that it’s not talked about a little bit more given the connection. The other thing I wanted to bring up with Dolohov is I wonder if we will see more of that family in the Fantastic Beasts series, because it does have a bit of a Eastern European feel to the last name.

Eric: Yeah, knowing that he is around to eventually kill Lupin. Don’t like the way this list is going so far.

Micah: Yes, he is a bad, bad man. So is Augustus Rookwood, who leaked Ministry secrets to Voldemort. He is later defeated by the one and only Aberforth in the battle for Hogwarts.

Andrew: The one and only, says Micah and only Micah.

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Laura: No, he was there with his army of goats. They just… they charged.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: He uses the Patronus Charm, too, in the movie, right? He knocks away all those Dementors. What do we think his Patronus was? What do we know his Patronus was; not even think.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: It didn’t really take the form in the movie, and I have to say, I’m quite disappointed.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Laura: They probably thought it would be too suggestive.

Micah: Yeah, him standing behind the goat as it shoots out at the Dementors.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: But everybody else is shooting out animals too.

Micah: That’s true.

Laura: They were like, “No, Micah is going to be way too into this.” [laughs]

Andrew: It would have cost them an extra million dollars to have to animate another Patronus, so they just decided Aberforth’s wasn’t worth it.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Eric: Can you put a price on goat Patroni?

Micah: Not really. Although they did actually have a real goat in Order of the Phoenix when they go to the Hog’s Head. When they first show up, Aberforth is there; he kind of just grunts. There’s no real interaction between him and the trio. And then there’s that little goat that walks into the next room, and he just follows the goat out.

Andrew: I didn’t remember that. This has been goat facts with Micah.

Micah: Yep. All right, let’s talk about Bellatrix. We know she is responsible for the torture and permanent incapacitation of Frank and Alice Longbottom; we just met with them not that long ago. She kills Sirius – spoiler alert – at the end of this book, but gets her comeuppance in the Battle of Hogwarts from Molly Weasley. And this is the one that draws, I think, the most attention; Harry notices how much different she looks compared to the photo that he had seen of her in Kreacher’s hideaway. And I think we should definitely be concerned about the fact now that she, in particular, has escaped from Azkaban.

Andrew: Yes.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: She is unhinged and dangerous and may kill your uncle.

Micah: And may have a very willing assistant back at Grimmauld Place.

Eric: Do you think Kreacher busted them out?

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: No, no.

Eric: Just think, they can go…

Andrew: I mean, that is an interesting crackpot theory, because he was away for a while, so maybe at this point you may put those two pieces together. But no.

Eric: Narcissa was just like, “You do our family proud; you go and you get Auntie Bella,” and Kreacher is like, “No problem, mistress.”

Andrew: “You grab those keys,” yeah. Well, Kreacher would have to try, right? If he’s being commanded to?

Eric: Yeah, all it takes is one house-elf. Everywhere is a real security nightmare.

Andrew: “Kreacher and the Keys,” the new backstory from J.K. Rowling.

Eric: Oh, I love it.

Micah: Now, the Ministry’s position is immediately to blame Sirius Black for this breakout, because hey, Sirius did it a couple years ago, so he knows the ins and the outs. He knows how to break out of Azkaban. Makes sense.

Andrew: He has the keys.

Micah: Yeah, he’s got the keys.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: Is Fudge wrong, though, to make this connection? I don’t… all else aside, it’s actually not that bad of a theory.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Right.

Laura: Yeah, but he has to know at this point that the Dementors are no longer under Ministry control. He may not be willing to admit it to himself, but he has to know.

Eric: Yeah, they’re probably just not even there anymore, if you go to Azkaban to confirm the prisoners are gone. “Oh, where are all the Dementors?”

Andrew: And Hermione points out, what else could Fudge do? He can’t admit that Harry was right.

Eric: I mean, he could; it’s just the hard choices, right?

Andrew: Right, right.

Micah: Let’s just blame Sirius for everything at this point.

Laura: Yep.

Eric: Well, it’s salt on the wound because we know how Sirius is feeling; now he’ll never be able to go outside. This fresh wave of press has once again prevented Sirius from attaining the freedom that he so desperately craves from isolation, and now this is… so the acts of Voldemort and the Death Eaters are only continuing to worsen Sirius’s state. It’s just… this is what I mean when I say that J.K. Rowling plays with Sirius before she kills him. He just is having a really bad year.

Andrew and Laura: Yeah.

Andrew: And come to think of it, it’s really sad that he dies before his name is cleared.

Eric: Right. And this is also the consequences of a government that is not transparent or keeping up with the facts, because Sirius Black was not the only person to escape from Azkaban. As we know, Barty Crouch, Jr. did it as well – many, many years before Sirius Black, in fact – by swapping places with his mother. But Barty Crouch, who was quickly administered the Dementor’s Kiss at the end of last year, had told Harry, had told Dumbledore about his escape from Azkaban, and this is something that Fudge should be well aware of, and yet somehow, especially because of how they treated Barty, that story never came out either. So Fudge doesn’t have a lot of options, because there’s so much that has gone to this point under-reported to the public that there’s no real story they can come up with, except “Let’s just pin it on Sirius Black.”

Laura: Exactly.

Micah: This is the issue… oh, go ahead, Laura.

Laura: Oh, I was going to say and this is also just a great connecting the threads moment between Order of the Phoenix and Prisoner of Azkaban. I mean, not only do you have the breakouts from Azkaban, but you also have, like everyone was alluding to earlier, this theme of imprisonment for Sirius. Whether he’s in a physical prison behind bars, or incapable of living his life publicly, Sirius lives out the last, what, 14-15 years of his life in prison, and we get to witness the end of it. It’s incredibly tragic.

Eric: Forever a prisoner, never a bridesmaid. Wait, I said that wrong.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Oh well. Never a bride.

Laura: Yep. Always a prisoner, never a bride.

Eric: There you go.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Micah: Yeah, and also is the subject of a hunt, really, by the Ministry under false pretenses, because he’s not responsible either time for what he is being convicted of, or I should say charged with, right? He wasn’t responsible for what happened to the Potters, and now he’s not responsible for what happened with this breakout from Azkaban. And there’s a major shift, though, in tone following this news spreading around the school – Harry picks up on it – and I think this is when people start to really catch on to what’s happening, and there’s this realization that, “You know what? Ten former Death Eaters break out of Azkaban. It seems a little bit fishy. And to put it on somebody that hasn’t been… well, and Sirius, right? Who knows where he is, what he’s doing? But this sounds like Voldemort to me, not really Sirius.”

Andrew: Right, especially when you factor in that Harry has been saying this for a while, and you just asked if Fudge was wrong to think Sirius could be behind the breakout from a strategy point, yes, because the public does start to think differently about what the Ministry has been saying and what Harry has been saying. And of course, this shift in tone towards Harry and treatment of Harry comes into play later when Hermione decides that Harry is going to come forward with his story in The Quibbler.

Eric: Right. But I mean, think of all the resources that are being wasted tracking Sirius Black when he is very much not going anywhere, protected by a Fidelius Charm. He’s really… all of the Ministry resources, how much it’s costing for something that they know is not going to produce any actual results. It’s like funding a search for weapons of mass destruction you know aren’t there. It just is a waste of time and money. And I’m glad that at the end of all of this, the public outcry is so great – of course, it takes the death of Sirius and a return of Voldemort – but eventually, the public outcry is so great that Fudge gets ousted from his position, hoisted on his petard because of these lies. It’s quite hopeful. Good for the wizarding world.

Micah: Yeah, there’s a lot of fake news that’s being pushed out, and the Daily Prophet, as we learn later on in this chapter, has really become a puppet of the Ministry and is only going to print what the Ministry wants it to print. And I think that’s a major issue, and we’ll talk more about it. But one person who does respond in a positive way to this news is Neville, and it’s noted that he shows a ton of progress in Dumbledore’s Army lessons. He’s much more focused. He’s really second best only to Hermione, which, I mean, let’s face it, that’s pretty damn good compared to what we normally think of Neville, compared to what we saw of him just a couple chapters ago in St. Mungo’s. So this was unfortunate that it took something like this to motivate Neville, but he’s definitely in the zone now.

Andrew and Eric: Yeah.

Andrew: And it shows the true skills that he actually possesses.

Eric: Right, yeah. Talk about a glow-up, you guys.

Andrew: We were thinking, because Neville does have this glow-up and he’s feeling empowered, what song would be a good glow-up track for Neville? And we each picked one, and we’re going to reveal them to each other for the first time right now. Laura, let’s listen to your Neville glow-up track first.

Laura: Sure.

[“Roar” by Katy Perry plays]

You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter
Dancing through the fire
‘Cause I am a champion

Andrew: So the excellent Katy Perry song “Roar.”

Laura: Just felt right, you know?

Eric: I love that.

Micah: That’s great.

Eric: For Gryffindor.

Laura: [laughs] Exactly.

Andrew: Oh, that’s perfect.

Eric: Paying attention in class, kicking some ass…

Andrew: That should be their theme song.

Micah: I think you and I were thinking pretty much along the same lines.

Laura: Oh.

Andrew: Uh-oh. Well, let’s listen to Micah’s.

Laura: I think I have a good guess of what yours could be.

Eric: Did you pick the same song?

Micah: No, we did not.

[“Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor plays]

Laura: I knew it.

Andrew: Yeah! All right, so “Eye of the Tiger.”

Micah: By Survivor, not by Katy Perry.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: But close enough.

Laura: They could do a crossover, I think.

Micah: You know what I was thinking, Laura? We must have Tiger King on the brain too.

Laura: Yep.

Andrew: Oh, stop it with Tiger King.

Laura: Can never get rid of it. Not a day goes by where it doesn’t come up.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Let’s listen to Eric’s choice.

[“Maniac” by Michael Sembello plays]

Locking rhythms to the beat of her heart
Changing movement into light
She has danced into the danger zone
When the dancer becomes the dance

It can cut you like a knife
If the gift becomes the fire
On the wire between will and what will be

Andrew: Eric’s always got quirky song choices.

She’s a maniac, maniac on the floor

Eric: Woo!

Andrew: Why is Neville a maniac?

Eric: Working up a sweat. He’s out on the dance floor, man. He is getting it.

Andrew: I see. Okay, and here’s my choice.

[“Back in the Saddle: by Aerosmith plays]

I’m back, I’m back in the saddle again
I’m back, I’m back in the saddle again

Andrew: He’s got it, y’all.

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Andrew: “Back in the Saddle” by Aerosmith.

Micah: Nice. I think those were all good. Those are all… I could see them playing that in the Order of the Phoenix movie.

Eric: Absolutely.

Laura: They all feel like great montage songs.

Andrew: Right, exactly. And Order of the Phoenix movie had plenty of montages, so a whole montage dedicated to Neville.

Eric: Now, as a sort of a surprise to our panel here, I’ve gone and done something a little bit funny in relation to this segment. I actually went over onto Spotify, where our podcast is now streaming, and I’ve created a playlist which is collaborative and public called “Neville Gets Swole.”

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: Oh, perfect.

Micah: Awesome.

Eric: And my encouragement is to all of our listeners to add to this playlist your… we’ve got our top four that are added by us, and then I think we’ll probably come back to it, but I want everybody to add their Neville workout/Neville glow-up tracks to this, and we’ll create a huge beacon of inspiration throughout the coming weeks.

Andrew: I love it, and this will be a great gym playlist for everybody, I think.

Eric and Micah: Yeah.

Micah: Work out at home.

Eric: That’s the idea.

Andrew: I love how the playlist description is just this quote from the Order of the Phoenix book about Neville getting it together.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Micah: Well, while we may be determining songs that celebrate Neville’s newfound determination, traditionally on MuggleCast when we lose a character, we used to play a song as well. I don’t know that we’re going to do that here, but we lost Broderick Bode in this chapter. It’s another article in the Daily Prophet that’s just kind of there, but not really front and center, and we learn that he was strangled by Devil’s Snare in his hospital room at St. Mungo’s, and of course, the trio remember that they saw him when they were recently visiting the hospital, and they actually saw the plant delivered. And Harry is beating himself up that they didn’t remember that it was Devil’s Snare, but I’m pretty sure it was disguised, wasn’t it?

Eric: It was in the pot, I think.

Laura: Yeah, and we would have only seen the Devil’s Snare as a full plant, and I think this was a trimming of a plant that wouldn’t have been immediately recognizable.

Andrew: Right, right. Yeah, it was interesting that Harry beat himself up over this. He doesn’t need to be protecting everybody all the time. You don’t need to be looking out for people in a hospital; there are people who are paid to be there.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: But yeah, this kind of reminded me of Venus flytraps here in the Muggle world. I used to love those plants because they would just eat a bug when a bug crawled in there, right?

Eric: Yeah, absolutely.

Andrew: Did you guys ever have one of those?

Micah: Or your finger.

Andrew: Yeah, but they’re just little babies. They can’t actually hurt you.

Micah: Well, have you seen Little Shop of Horrors?

Andrew: No.

Eric: I was going to say, the Bode farewell song, I’m thinking, is the finale of that show, “Don’t Feed the Plants.”

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Eric: That’s what I would do. [laughs] But what a way to go, because you know that Devil’s Snare… isn’t the secret to not move? So your natural inclination toward panic when something like this comes out and grips you would, in the end, be your downfall. It’s sort of poetic, and it’s kind of like a mob hit, where he has to… he’s the cause of his own death, in a way.

Andrew: Yeah, if I wanted to kill somebody in the wizarding world, this is probably how I would do it. I would just take a little clipping of Devil’s Snare and mail it to somebody who I hated or needed to kill, and they would just open it up and boom, goodbye.

Laura: Yeah. I mean, clearly the wizarding world does not inspect its mail.

Andrew: Right!

Micah: It’s also somewhat surprising that three 11-year-olds can get through it in Sorcerer’s Stone, but an Unspeakable from the Department of Mysteries doesn’t know how to fight off Devil’s Snare.

Andrew: Good point. I also have these three succulents sitting next to me, and now I’m really paranoid they’re going to come to life and eat me.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: Just make sure you water them. Or maybe you don’t want to now.

Andrew: Right. Yeah, they’re sitting in the sun? I don’t want that. I’m going to throw these out after the show.

Laura: Plant murder.

Micah: Yep. But this is an important moment, too, because I think not only do you get the breakout from Azkaban, but you’re learning that a member of the Order has now been killed, and it’s happening within the same moment here. So I want to talk a little bit about Hagrid and Trelawney, really the two classes that we get the most of in this chapter, and both of them are on probation. I don’t think there’s any surprise that Hagrid is now on probation, and Harry again… he’s upset about this, but why? Is he surprised? He should have known if Umbridge was coming to evaluate Hagrid’s class… we know what happened during that class; Hagrid was just all over the place, and Umbridge took every opportunity to make him look a fool and less than intelligent. And I think people have more to be concerned about right now than the fact that Hagrid is on probation.

Andrew: Yeah, I think it’s that, and I also think, is Hagrid that universally beloved throughout the school? I don’t really get that impression.

Laura: No, he’s really not.

Andrew: And meanwhile Grubbly-Plank has been teaching, and maybe they’re all just Plank people. They really like her.

Laura: [laughs] I think the issue here is that it wouldn’t have mattered if Hagrid had led an exemplary class; Umbridge would have still found a way to put him on probation because she’s discriminating against him. I think that’s the root of this issue, is that Hagrid’s teaching abilities aren’t what’s on probation here. It’s his heritage.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: No, I agree with that, but the students may not be thinking that, and why the students aren’t reacting negatively, I think it’s just because they see how he teaches classes, and they’re like, “That makes sense.”

[Eric laughs]

Micah: Yeah, there’s definitely questionable attributes to a number of professors that are hired at Hogwarts, and Hagrid is definitely one of them. But I think, though, the fact that Umbridge is constantly present in these classes, both for Trelawney and for Hagrid, it adds an extra layer of pressure and it creates a very uncomfortable classroom, and I think we see evidence of that. And I’m just wondering, does she need to be there? They’re on probation. We understand what that means, but it seems like she’s disrupting the flow of these lessons and these kids’ education.

Laura: Yes, 100%. She does not need to be there every time. And I know I’ve spoken about this before, but I was formerly a teacher, and anytime somebody comes to observe your class, there’s a level of disruption that comes with that. And the people who do it well are the ones who sort of slip in after everybody’s already seated and focused and remain very quiet and leave a couple minutes before the class wraps, so that ideally, the students might not even have noticed they were there. But Umbridge wants everyone to know she’s there, because again, she doesn’t care about the level of education being provided; she cares about control.

Andrew and Eric: Yeah.

Eric: And she’s high on power, too. This is… she really has nothing better to do and the teachers can’t stop her, so she does this. It’s a waste of her time. It’s a waste of everybody’s time.

Micah: One other thing I just thought of, too, is that it’s mentioned about how Trelawney is roaming around the halls and she’s smelling of cooking sherry. Hagrid also later on in this chapter is drinking, and it’s clearly something that’s affecting both of them to the point that they feel like they need to go and get drunk.

Laura: Yep.

Micah: So actually, add that to the suck count.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: I mean, not only are your… right, I mean, it’s one thing to have your professional abilities questioned privately with your direct superior, but to have it laid out in front of the people that you’re trying to teach, that’s just a huge distraction for everyone, and is going to have the end effect of making that person a bad teacher.

Eric: Yep, self-fulfilling.

Micah: It’s embarrassing.

Andrew: It is. I think everybody can relate to this on some level. Just imagine if you were podcasting right now and somebody was sitting over your shoulder judging your every move, or if you’re cooking or playing in a video game tournament or building something. Having somebody watching you, judging you, assessing you, is very stressful.

Laura: Yeah, or even if you’ve ever been called out by a boss or something very publicly.

Andrew: Right.

Laura: I think this would feel very similar. I’m sure most people have some kind of experience with that.

Eric: JY, who’s listening live over on Patreon, says that the HP Lexicon calendar has a question in it: How is Umbridge teaching her own classes at this time? That’s interesting, because it’s not just Harry’s class; she’s got all the classes from all the levels of Hogwarts, Defense Against the Dark Arts. You would think she wouldn’t have the free time to trail these teachers in all of their sessions.

Andrew: She’s just telling them to read this book. We’re not doing any practical lessons.

Micah: Right. Yeah, she doesn’t…

Laura: Yeah, she doesn’t have to plan.

Micah: [laughs] I was just going to say, there’s no lesson planning.

Andrew: Yeah, there’s nothing… she’s not teaching. [laughs]

Eric: Do you think that she just took a Time Turner from the Department of Mysteries and…?

Andrew and Micah: No.

Eric: Because they haven’t all been destroyed yet. I mean, how’s she getting to all these classes? There’s so many of them!

Micah: It’s a great question.

Eric: I think she’s using a Time-Turner, because that ties it back to Book 3.

Andrew: She’s a very efficient woman. Subtract one from the suck count.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: She’s organized. Good for her.

Laura: Geez.

Micah: I will say she is abusive, not as much to Hagrid in this chapter, but to Trelawney in particular, because she’s demanding that she do certain things within her classroom that we all know is just not going to happen. There is a nice little nugget in there, too: I think they’re studying in that class…. I looked it up, and I forget the names of exactly what it’s called, but one is the study of the number seven, and the other is the study of birds and omens associated with them, and when I looked it up, it actually mentioned the augury, which I thought was interesting.

Eric: Ornithomancy and Heptomology.

Micah: Yes. The first is the birds; the second is the number seven.

Eric: Thank you.

Micah: Laura, you talked a little bit about this: Hagrid’s teaching methods are questioned in both Prisoner of Azkaban and Order of the Phoenix.

Laura: Yes. So of course, in Prisoner of Azkaban we have Hagrid having to meet with a committee in order to try and get Buckbeak off, but then we see how that works out. And there’s also a great deal of corruption on this committee because Lucius Malfoy is on it, and now we’re seeing direct Ministry corruption at Hogwarts as Umbridge tries to undermine Hagrid in his profession, in addition to Trelawney. And Micah, I think you noted this here, that both Care of Magical Creatures and Divination are introduced in Prisoner of Azkaban, so that’s a nice little connecting the threads bow there.

Micah: And they’re now really under threat; at least the teachers themselves are under threat here in Order of the Phoenix. And I would even add to that; I would say Trelawney is under scrutiny in both books. We talked about, I think, way back when we first started this Chapter by Chapter, how Hermione is super critical Trelawney in Prisoner of Azkaban, and Umbridge is the one in Order of the Phoenix.

Laura: Yeah. And also, Hermione is the person making a scene in Divination classes in Prisoner of Azkaban. She’s very disruptive. She openly mocks Trelawney, not maybe to the extent that Umbridge does it in Order of the Phoenix, but still, it’s almost uncharacteristic of Hermione, and I think it’s because she’s threatened by the practice that she doesn’t totally understand.

Eric: Right.

Micah: But she does – Umbridge does, anyway – introduce a brand new Educational Decree in this chapter, which you know immediately goes to the suck count.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: It’s been drying up lately. We haven’t had enough Umbridge.

Micah: Well, he’s been away from Hogwarts, so now that he’s back… teachers are hereby banned from giving students any information that is not strictly related to the subjects they are paid to teach, and this is, of course, in reaction to the news in the Daily Prophet.

Andrew: Yeah, it’s just laughable on multiple levels. First of all, she calls out, I think, Fred and George for something a few minutes later, and then Seamus, I believe, says, “Well, why are you talking to them? You’re betraying your own decree.” But also, there’s more to the teacher/student relationship than the subjects that they teach and that they learn.

Micah: Of course.

Andrew: So to suddenly cut off the teachers from speaking to their students about anything but their lessons is really terrible.

Micah: It begs the question: Does this apply to Heads of House?

Andrew: I think so.

Micah: So you’re saying McGonagall can’t talk to the Gryffindor students about anything other than Transfiguration.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: I guess so, yeah.

Micah: And how is that enforced?

Andrew: So how does she issue some updates about the Houses and whatnot? That seems problematic. Of course, Umbridge didn’t think this through.

Micah: And it also made me wonder if she knew or was catching on about Harry’s Occlumency lessons, knowing that Snape is teaching Harry something other than what he needs to know, but it may be too early to ask that question.

Andrew: Well, the main reason for this decree, right, was because of the breakout at Azkaban. And she’s sitting there watching Minerva and Dumbledore talk at the table in the Great Hall, and she’s probably thinking that they’re going to spread some of the information that they’re discussing to their students, and she’s getting ahead of it by issuing this decree. And of course, students are going to be asking their teachers questions, too, like, “How did the Death Eaters escape from Azkaban?”

Eric: Yeah, or “Who were they? How do I spot them?” Any information the teachers give could keep the kids safe, but that is not Umbridge’s priority here. Umbridge wants to control information.

Laura: And this is also just another great connection to real world instances of authoritarian governments really targeting educational institutions in order to quash out any attempts at liberating students and young people from the prevailing narrative that is being passed down by the government.

Micah: Yeah, and it’s also… I know we mentioned this earlier on in the chapter; you’ve had ten Death Eaters who have broken out from Azkaban, yet you’re allowing your students to go out of the castle to Hogsmeade, where in Prisoner of Azkaban, think of all the security, the Dementors that were in place to protect against just one, just Sirius Black. Now you have ten that are out there, and you don’t even have Aurors or Ministry officials stationed in Hogsmeade. That’s highly questionable.

Andrew: Well, also interesting is that the students don’t really seem to care either; they’ll happily head to Hogsmeade. And apparently their parents are cool with this happening as well. Don’t you think the parents should have sent an owl being like, “Hey, you should probably stay inside the castle right now. Ten Death Eaters escaped. This is ten times worse than when that Sirius crook escaped. Please stay indoors.” But no, there’s none of that.

Laura: Well, it just goes to show, if you have wrong information coming from the very top of your society, it has a trickle-down effect on everyone else.

Andrew: Right.

Laura: I mean, not to get too real world here, but look at the number of situations that we have here in this country of people thinking that COVID-19 is a hoax and going out and ignoring social distancing guidelines, despite the fact that our health organizations are telling us, “No, this is a very real threat.” But we have such mixed messaging coming from our government that people don’t know what to believe, and therefore they’re just going to pick whatever information best suits them.

Andrew: Yeah, and if the Ministry is saying, “Don’t be concerned here,” then their constituents are going to think the same thing. “The Ministry is not concerned; I’m not concerned either.”

Laura: Yeah, and they’re going to say, “I can live my life. I can go to Hogsmeade. No big deal.”

Micah: It’s also touched upon for Harry that his lessons with Snape – I know we were just talking a little bit about the Occlumency lessons – they’re getting worse, right? There’s a quote where he says that “He had the horrible impression that he was slowly turning into a kind of aerial that was tuned in to tiny fluctuations in Voldemort’s mood, and he was sure he could date this increased sensitivity firmly from his first Occlumency lesson with Snape.” And Ron has a moment where he flat out asks the question, “Well, could Snape actually be working on behalf of Voldemort to weaken Harry’s condition as opposed to helping him?” And I know, Laura, you had another connecting the threads between Snape’s teaching ability and Lupin’s.

Laura: Yeah, I mean, when Harry is having his private lessons in Prisoner of Azkaban with Lupin, he’s getting progressively better at fighting Dementors, which, again, Dementors have a very similar effect to what Harry is feeling right now in terms of weakening you if you don’t know how to fight them. They’re literally soul-suckers. But Lupin really helps to build Harry up. And of course, we know at this point that Snape is not deliberately trying to tear Harry down, but that is sort of the end result here, so it’s definitely a very interesting parallel to see the difference in teaching styles and how no matter how brilliant you are, if you don’t approach teaching with kindness and understanding, it’s not going to work very well.

Andrew: You know, Ron’s theory at the time made sense to anybody who was skeptical of Snape, which was, like, half the readership if not more. [laughs]

Eric: Yeah, I found it interesting. It should be given a little bit more credit than it gets, I think.

Micah: I agree, I think it’s dismissed too easily. Hermione is very much of the mindset that, “Oh, well, Dumbledore trusts Snape, so you should trust Snape, Harry.”

Andrew: Right.

Micah: And it’s actually… yeah, it’s a well-founded question that he’s asking. We don’t necessarily have any proof yet as to why we should trust Snape.

Andrew: [laughs] And doesn’t Hermione say, “Ron, you have never been right”?

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Reading this back, I’m like, “What if the big twist, one of the big twists, would have been that Ron actually was right about Snape the whole time?” That would have been a cool twist by J.K. Rowling. [laughs]

Micah: Yep.

Andrew: And she would have been setting us up to be surprised because Hermione is saying, “Oh, well, Dumbledore trusts Snape. I trust Snape since Dumbledore trusts Snape, so you should trust Snape too.” That would have been so good.

Laura: I mean, I feel like this was a running trend in the books. I don’t have any examples that come to mind, but wasn’t there a theory going around back in the day, like, “Pay attention to Ron’s seemingly stupid recommendations, because they end up coming true”? And at least if you think about where we were as the books were coming out, this happens in Order of the Phoenix, and then in Half-Blood Prince, Snape kills Dumbledore, and I think at the time that really threw Snape’s allegiances into question for folks. And there was a camp of people who were like, “Yep, Ron’s been trying to tell us the whole time. Snape is not a good guy.”

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: So in a way, she kind of did vindicate Ron’s earlier suspicions throughout the series.

Andrew: That’s a great point.

Micah: Totally, yeah. Ron was just standing there with a sign after Dumbledore fell saying “Told you so.”

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Well, as Harry is exiting the Great Hall to go meet up with Cho for their Valentine’s Day – it seems like so long ago we were doing that Seven-Word Summary – little date, he runs into Hagrid, and Hagrid makes it clear to him that he should not be coming down to his hut and visiting him. And there’s this quote where Harry, he feels like he’s being deprived of everything that made Hogwarts Hogwarts, right? He can’t visit Hagrid, he can’t send letters to Sirius, his Firebolt is gone, he can’t play Quidditch, and Umbridge is just really making his fifth year at Hogwarts absolute misery.

Laura: I thought this was interesting, because there’s actually another parallel to Prisoner of Azkaban here. In Prisoner of Azkaban, they had a curfew because of Sirius being out, so they couldn’t freely go to visit Hagrid. In Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry didn’t have a Firebolt. He didn’t have a godfather. He wasn’t able to have the same level of freedom at the school that he’d had in the first two books. So I’m wondering what’s different here, because it feels like there were a number of restrictions in place in Prisoner of Azkaban that prevented Hogwarts from feeling like Hogwarts.

Micah: I think it’s perspective.

Andrew: The older you get, the more problems you encounter, and the sadder life becomes, Laura. That’s the difference.

Laura: [laughs] Wow. That’s very bleak.

Andrew: That’s the difference.

Micah: That was real.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: [sighs] I gotta go, guys.

Micah: See you later, Andrew.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: Don’t you want to come to Hogsmeade with us?

Andrew: I do.

Micah: We’re about to embark on first date territory, and man was this awkward, as most first dates are. But you feel bad for Harry a little bit, but you also feel bad for Cho. And initially they get over that awkwardness, and they’re walking down to Hogsmeade and they connect over Quidditch, which makes sense; they’re both great Quidditch players.

Andrew: Good.

Micah: And there’s a mention of the Quidditch match from Prisoner of Azkaban when they first played against each other, and that was another nice connecting the threads.

Laura: Correct.

Micah: But are we surprised it’s awkward? No, right? It’s two 15-year-olds going on a date for the first time.

Laura: Yep.

Andrew: I think J.K. Rowling might allude to Harry not giving this upcoming date much thought in the days prior, but maybe he should have been thinking of some questions to ask his date. Isn’t that what you do before going on a date? You think about the types of questions you’ll be asking? They could have bonded over how much Umbridge was sucking. I mean, they could have gone through our list of 50 instances where she sucks so far.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Could talk about the weather. Could talk about their favorite brooms. I mean, they could probably talk Quidditch for hours, since they both play.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: Strategizing, best equipment…

Laura: Well, and that seems to be a great topic to start them out with. I mean, they actually have a really great conversation all the way into the village, and Harry even notes how easy it is to talk to her at first, so I think he’s actually doing pretty well here. And I also just love… this is another instance of J.K. Rowling really capturing the teenage experience. When Harry thinks about walking over to Cho, he’s like, suddenly his feet felt too big for his body, and he didn’t know what to do with his arms. And I feel like everybody’s had that experience of being like, “Oh, where do I put my arms? I look so dumb.”

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, and the stress around touching their hand. J.K. Rowling writes about how hard that would be, which, yeah, those are big things on a first date.

Micah: Totally.

Andrew: Or a second or third.

Micah: But I do agree with what you’re saying, Andrew, not just about thinking up some topics of conversation, but what exactly it is that they’re going to do when they go to Hogsmeade, because they seem lost.

Andrew: Yeah. Yeah, you need some plans.

Micah: Yeah, at least say, “Oh, you know what? You want to go to the Three Broomsticks? You want to go to…” any other place but Madam Puddifoot’s, honestly.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: Because that’s where things just go off the rails.

Andrew: “Do you want to go ride Escape from Gringotts? What do you want to do?”

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: “There’s all kinds of things we could do. We can get a butterbeer, some ice cream…”

Eric: Take a picture by the snowman…

Laura: I kind of get it, though, because this seems to me like… and I’ve been in this experience, not just as a 15-year-old, but as a grown adult, where you’re trying to be super casual. You don’t want it to feel like there’s too much pressure, right? You don’t want to be that person who comes to a first date with an itinerary, right?

Micah: True.

Laura: So they’re just casual. “Let’s go to village and hang out, and we’ll figure it out there.” And then they suddenly get there, and they’re like, “Uhh…”

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: But do you think Cho had an agenda in terms of bringing Harry to Madam Puddifoot’s?

Andrew: Yeah, she wanted to make out.

Micah: And not like, kissy-kissy agenda. There’s things she wants to know here.

Eric: Yeah, this is where it all goes wrong, is Cho’s picking, I mean, one of the few places that she knows, but it’s got history, and it’s particularly suited to bring out the absolute worst in their shared past. She really is… turns out, this isn’t really supposed to be a date, even though it’s on Valentine’s Day. She really wants to talk about Cedric, right? I mean, she needs to talk about Cedric, but Harry is so distracted by all the romance, and Cedric, it even says in this chapter, is the very last topic Harry wants to talk about.

Andrew: And it should be for anybody who’s on a Valentine’s Day date. I really hate how Cho wants to bring up Cedric. I feel like she brings up Cedric because the date is going badly.

Laura: Yes, she only brings Cedric up because Harry is like, “Oh, hey, I know that we’ve only been on this date for an hour, but can I ditch you at noon to go hang out with another girl?”

Andrew: Right, right.

Laura: I think if Harry had made the day about them spending time together, or if he had really leaned in to the romantic side of things – which I think is what she was angling for – I don’t think Cedric would have ever come up, at least not during this date.

Andrew: Exactly. She’s reminding Harry, “Other boys were into me, so why are you going off to hang out with Hermione?”

Laura: Exactly.

Andrew: “You’re missing out.”

Laura: Yeah, but she’s also kind of subtly like, “Why am I wasting my time with you here? I had other dudes lined up ready to take me out for a great Valentine’s Day, and here you are, like, ‘I want to go hang out with this other chick.'”

Andrew: Right. What the hell?

Eric: Well, we all know it’s not like that, right? But Cho doesn’t, and Harry doesn’t… Harry is kind of too stunned by the implication that he doesn’t… I mean, he probably would get defensive, but he even laughs at her, I think.

Micah: Well, he doesn’t laugh at her; he laughs at the Hermione situa… once it clicks in his mind why she’s saying the things that she’s saying because of Hermione, that’s why he laughs, so it’s not really directed at her. But yeah, I mean, unlike the last chapter where Harry finally picked up on what she was putting out there, he’s clueless throughout pretty much the entirety of the conversation that they’re having, and I agree, that’s why it goes off the rails. That’s why it goes into Cedric territory. And you have Roger Davies, who’s right next to them – behind them, whatever – and they’re getting hot and heavy at the table…

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: … and Harry is feeling all the pressure to do the same thing. And Roger ends up getting used against Harry, too, because Cho says straight up, “Hey, he asked me out a couple weeks ago.”

Andrew: Yeah, “That could have been me making out with him.”

Micah: Right.

Andrew: “Instead I’m stuck with you, who’s going to hang out with another girl.” By the way, anybody who makes out in public: Please, no.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Just bad, wrong, stupid, gross, etc., etc.

Laura: But this is also another very teenage moment, right?

Andrew: [laughs] Yeah, but unfortunately, you see grown adults doing this in Starbucks too, and it’s like, “Eugh.”

[Eric laughs]

Laura: How often do you see this in Starbucks?

Andrew: I see many weird things across this wonderful country.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: The other thing I wanted to bring up, though, was what was Hermione thinking by inviting Harry to hang out knowing that he was going on a Valentine’s Day date with Cho? She’s been a translator for Harry and Ron in terms of how to treat girls and what girls may be thinking, and yet she’s inviting Harry right after his date with Cho. She should know how Cho would respond to that news. And yeah, Hermione says, “You can invite Cho along too,” but shouldn’t she know that Cho is going to look at this negatively and be annoyed by this?

Eric: Yeah, absolutely, 100%, you nailed it on the head. I completely blame Hermione for this date, and therefore relationship, unraveling, because she should know better, and she takes no break from insulting Harry and telling him he doesn’t understand girls in the next chapter when he says about how the date went wrong. But really, the only reason that you can’t necessarily blame her is Hermione knows the importance of what it is that she is about to do. This is the opportunity where Harry can set the record straight with Rita, as we know, and there won’t be another opportunity again. Umbridge is locking down the school. That might be the only justification, but at least then a heads-up would have been more, I guess, valued, because she tells him the day of, right? Hermione invites Harry last minute, and Harry is like, “Well, I don’t know how long this date is going to go.” I’ve had that happen to me, too, where you don’t know how long plans are going to last.

Andrew: And Hermione doesn’t even tell Harry why they need to meet over there, so Harry can’t even bring any information to Cho, just that he’s going to go hang out with Hermione for some reason.

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Laura: I mean, Hermione probably knows if she told Harry it was to meet with Rita Skeeter, he’d be like, “Uh, pass.”

[Eric laughs]

Laura: But yeah, I agree. I think that it would have been helpful for her to be like, “Okay, I need you to come do this, but maybe tell Cho this.” A little bit of guidance might have been helpful here for him.

Andrew and Micah: Yeah.

Eric: Cho is clearly threatened by Hermione. Why? Have Harry and Hermione…? Everybody knows they’re close friends, but why is Cho or any other girl threatened by the mere mention of Hermione?

Andrew: She thinks that Harry might have a crush on her, too, or Hermione’s got a crush on Harry.

Eric: But what gave her that impression? She must be watching too many Steve Kloves movies.

Laura: [laughs] I think that that’s a pretty normal reaction for teenagers in this situation. You have to think, Cho is in another House, so she doesn’t witness Harry and Hermione’s friendship up close; she just sees it from afar and sees that they’re always together. Plus she’s coming off the heels of the previous year where Rita Skeeter was writing column inches about Harry and Hermione being in a relationship.

Eric: Oh, I guess that’s a good connection.

Micah: Very true. I also think in this moment, Cho is just looking for something for Harry to give her that’s going to let her just unleash on him.

Laura: Yeah, she’s ready to be mad.

Micah: Yeah, and he does it by mentioning Hermione. And I also just think from Hermione – going to your question, Andrew – it’s just a bad suggestion to meet up with her later on in the day. I get it; you’re only going to get Rita Skeeter this moment. You’re away from the castle, no Umbridge. But this is Valentine’s Day; it’s date night. That’d be like if I went on date and then I was like, “Oh, by the way, I’m going to hang out with the boys afterwards,” and it’s Valentine’s Day.

Andrew: Right.

Micah: That shit is not going to go over very well.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Laura: Oof, yeah, that is a fail. Never do that.

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: Well, yeah, so Harry should have just lied. Like, “Hey, I’ve got to go. I’ve got to go finish this homework.

Micah: Or he should have just tried to have a nice date. But I get Hermione putting this in his mind; now he thinks it’s something that he has to do because Hermione asked him to do it, whereas if she didn’t say anything, he could have had probably a pretty nice date. Maybe they could have worked through some of this stuff.

Andrew: Yeah, they could have held hands. [laughs]

Micah: So Hermione is to blame for Harry’s date going bad.

Laura: Well…

Micah: [laughs] Not entirely.

Laura: I don’t think it’s fair, yeah, because Harry clearly doesn’t know how to go on a date, which also, I mean, that’s just part of growing up. These are experiences that everybody has. And I’m sure that in retrospect, both Harry and Cho would look back on this and laugh, because Cho is not being totally rational here either, right? They’re just both coming to the table with different agendas in mind. Cho was really hoping for a romantic Valentine’s Day, and Harry is like, “I don’t know how to be romantic.” [laughs]

Andrew: Right.

Laura: So it’s just mismatched agendas, neither of which was wrong. I will say, this tea shop sounds awful.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: The tea shop is Andrew’s version of Starbucks times a thousand.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: Yeah. Also, coffee for 15-year-olds? This is before Starbucks was a thing, when this book was being written, so yeah. I mean, I never had coffee at 15, so I’m surprised.

Laura: Oh, I did.

Andrew: It’s right around where I got into it. But it actually made me think, why isn’t there a coffee shop at Diagon Alley at Universal? I would love some official Harry Potter coffee. Remember we were talking about that being available at that New York store, if that opens this summer? Now who knows… but I’m so excited for that. I love coffee. I love Harry Potter. Give me Harry Potter coffee.

Eric: Oh my God, they could do a new restaurant in Hogsmeade in the theme park for couples.

Micah: Well, have you tried the coffee that we were talking about on a previous episode?

Andrew: I did. I got the Raven… or no, I got the Slytherin, and it was caramel, like, “Cunning Caramel.” It was okay. It was strong; the scent was overwhelming.

Micah: Yeah, it’s really bold.

Andrew: Yeah, really bold. There is an unofficial Harry Potter coffee shop in Las Vegas. There’s two of them now, actually. I went to one a couple months ago called Bad Owl, and I think I Instagrammed it… or no, I posted it on Patreon. Never spoke about that on air, I think. It was really good, really cool inside, awesome Harry Potter theme. And yeah, I’ll be back. But I want official Harry Potter coffee, please and thank you.

Micah: Well, the opposite of a coffee shop would be a bar, and that’s where Hagrid is.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: And he is lamenting over his family, and he’s clearly thinking of Grawp, who we have yet to be introduced to yet in this book, and you kind of feel bad from him. We were touching on this a little bit earlier; I think a lot of it has to do with his family, but I think a lot of it has to do with him being so scrutinized by Umbridge, and his class is not going well. He’s getting beat up all the time; he looks like hell. And this was a nice connecting moment between Harry and Hagrid, even though they’re both just kind of sitting there in silence. I don’t know. It reminded me of bit of a throwback to earlier books between the two of them.

Eric: Yeah, the love is still there, you know? And Hagrid actually says to Harry, one of the few things he does say is, “Ah, we’re the same, don’t you reckon?” Which struck me as being very interesting, because it’s not the first comparison you would ever make between… [laughs]

Andrew: “Look at these two!”

Eric: “Oh yeah, these two characters that have a remarkable similarity with one another.” So I had the idea of how many comparisons can we draw between Hagrid and Harry? Of course, he says that both of them are orphans and both of them are outsiders. I came up with two more, kind of tongue-in-cheek. Well, one of them is not tongue-in-cheek, that their family gives them a hard time, right? Who can’t relate to that, honestly? But the second one was they both know fewer than ten spells.

Andrew: Wow.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Ouch.

Micah: Let’s see…

Eric: Hagrid because he was expelled, and Harry for obvious reasons.

Micah: Both their names start with the letter H.

Eric: Oh, there you go!

Andrew: Yep. They both like taunting the Dursleys. They both hate Umbridge.

Micah: Both love Buckbeak.

Andrew: Both love big creatures: Fluffy, Buckbeak, Grawp.

Laura: Both of them come under great levels of scrutiny throughout the series.

Eric: And they persevere.

Laura: Yeah, we need a glow-up song for Hagrid too.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Eric: Let’s just… we’ll make it the joint Neville/Hagrid playlist.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: If anybody has any other good comparisons, send them in, funny or otherwise.

Micah: All right, let’s wrap up the chapter now. We’ve alluded to this a lot, this conversation that takes place with Rita Skeeter making her return appearance here in Order of the Phoenix. Hermione, Harry, and guest starring also Luna Lovegood.

Eric: [laughs] Wow!

Micah: She’s kind of hanging out there on the side.

Andrew: Singing “Weasley Is Our King.”

Micah: She’s just a great character.

Eric: Also, everyone has a cocktail. There’s a cherry at the bottom of the glass that they get to…

Andrew: Big episode for drinking.

Micah: Yeah, Hermione is getting sloshed.

Andrew: Trelawney is drinking. Hagrid is drinking.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: Luna is drinking. She has some Gillywater.

Micah: So I wanted to talk about the Daily Prophet‘s role in empowering the Ministry, because it’s just something that unfortunately, I think we see a bit of in today’s society, where there are certain news outlets that maybe aren’t necessarily getting pressured, but are just spewing out false information. But we’ll keep it with Potter for right now. I’m curious, who is it, do we think, that’s applying this pressure to the Daily Prophet? Because Rita alludes to this in their conversation. Do we think the editor-in-chief of the Daily Prophet is getting bribed? Is he getting blackmailed? Or she; I’m not sure who the editor-in-chief is.

Andrew: Yeah, you’re right. Rita alludes to it, and she specifically mentions Fudge. I think, yeah, Fudge could be on the phone a lot with the editor-in-chief of the Daily Prophet, or maybe just had one conversation and be like, “Hey, do not go out and announce that Voldemort is back. Do not believe what you’re hearing from Harry, Dumbledore, and some others. Stick with our line right now that Voldemort is not back, and it might be true, but we don’t have enough evidence yet, and I don’t want to believe it because it would look really bad on me, so please don’t. And I’ll buy you a drink to say thanks.”

[Eric laughs]

Laura: I mean, also I could just see Fudge threatening to limit the Daily Prophet‘s access to certain governmental information if they don’t report on things the way he wants them to.

Andrew: Right, and maybe the editor-in-chief has political aspirations, and Fudge is saying, “Hey, maybe I’ll help you, but you’ve got to do this favor for me.” Could be lots of things at play.

Micah: Or maybe they’re under the Imperius Curse. We’ve seen that used in this book.

Andrew: Yeah. So they can’t do this interview with the Daily Prophet, and Hermione comes up with this idea to have it published in The Quibbler. And if I were Harry, I would probably be concerned. I know desperate times call for desperate measures, but I just would be really embarrassed to have my interview published in this paper. As Rita says, “It’s a joke, as evidenced by this little girl singing next to me and drinking Gillywater.” I just would be very hesitant about this plan. Plus, Rita Skeeter, I think… hopefully most people who read her in the Prophet know that she’s not a very reputable reporter, so you’re reading a joke of a paper and an interview conducted by a joke of a reporter.

Laura: I mean…

Eric: Yeah. There’s still, I think… in spirit, though, it’s designed to be told… Rita at least has name recognition, and I think somebody accredited, somebody who’s got this big of a deal reporter-wise publishing in a lesser-known publication has an air or an aura of truth, of… what do they call it? VeritĂ©, of it being kind of… the way that it goes about it just strikes it as being more valid than if it were published on the main Daily Prophet. In fact, the fact that it’s not in the Daily Prophet is what makes it, I think, more believable.

Laura: Well, it then raises the question, why isn’t the Daily Prophet reporting on this? Which comes a little bit later in the next chapter. But I think it’s worth noting that, yeah, The Quibbler is kind of a joke of a paper, but so is the Daily Prophet.

Andrew: [laughs] Yeah, I guess. But less people think that.

Micah: Now, does Rita still write for them?

Andrew: No, it doesn’t…

Laura: I mean, he notes that unemployment does not suit her.

Andrew: Oh, yeah, right.

Laura: So I’m guessing not.

Micah: Oh, true. You’re right. I think that also, once this story is released, this is essentially what a lot of people have been looking for, sort of the counterbalance to everything that the Ministry has been putting out through the Daily Prophet. And I do agree with the fact that Rita… she’s a tabloid writer, right? She has that edginess to her. But I also think there is a level – to Eric’s point – of legitimacy to her, and people do read her and people do believe what she has to say. So to add a level of legitimacy to The Quibbler also, I think, is part of this too. But yeah, I also really love the position that Hermione is putting Rita in here, because if she’s unemployed, to Laura’s point, what else can she do at this point? This is a story that she would love to have. But also, there’s a control factor here too, right? Because she’s going to tell the story like it is.

Eric: Right.

Micah: She’s not going to embellish at all, and to have that stripped away from her, I think, probably bothers her a little bit.

Andrew: Definitely.

Micah: So does writing for The Quibbler, but she can’t do what she’s used to.

Andrew: In terms of what else to do, she could have started her own paper. “The Rita Report,” by Rita.

Eric: [laughs] But I think there’s something brilliant in mind, that this is how Hermione uses the leverage. It took a year. We didn’t know how it was going to happen exactly, but Hermione calls in the leverage here, and this is the blackmail; it’s “I’ll tell the government you’re an unregistered Animagus,” which probably comes with a penalty or a fine or something.

Andrew: Well, Azkaban imprisonment.

Micah: I think Azkaban.

Eric: Oh. Well, there you go.

Andrew: Hermione threatened that.

Eric: Is there that much of a threat now that the Dementors are all gone from Azkaban?

Micah: She could just break out.

Andrew: Rita’s got to be friends with a Dementor to break her out, I guess.

Eric: Yeah, I guess so. So Hermione uses her powers for good, is what I’m trying to say here.

Laura: It’s crazy to me that the sentence for being an unregistered Animagus is Azkaban.

Andrew: It does seem extreme.

Laura: There are so many other worse things that just happen in the day-to-day of the wizarding world that I’m like, “What?”

Andrew: Yeah, like penetrating a child’s mind.

Micah: Yep.

Laura: [laughs] But also, just think about all of the, I mean, security nightmare stuff that happens at Hogwarts. Imagine what it’s like outside of Hogwarts.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, true.

Micah: Yep.

Eric: Victoria, who’s listening live, says, “I’d take a positive review in a tabloid over a slanderous one in a top newspaper any day.”

Andrew: That’s true. They’re going to make The Quibbler great again.

Eric: [laughs] It is going back to the point that this is just an alternate viewpoint, and sometimes people need that counter way to… it needs to be a little bit balanced.

Micah: All right, well, that wraps up this chapter. We’ll obviously get into more of this article once it’s finally published and names are named and Umbridge gets riled up.

Andrew: Okay.

Micah: But for now, I think that’s good. There’s a lot that happened in this chapter; I was surprised.

Andrew: It was a busy chapter, for sure. And we’ll talk a little more about it with the Umbridge Suck count and MVP of the Week and Rename the Chapter, but first, it’s time for a word from our second sponsor this week.

[Ad break]

Andrew: Okay, it’s time for the Umbridge Suck count. How many times did she suck this week, Micah?

Micah: She added some numbers to that tally. First off, I upped the suck count one for her throwing shady looks at McGonagall and Dumbledore.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: This is when the news was breaking of the breakout at Azkaban and she’s just looking around, but in particular, she gives these nasty looks towards McGonagall and Dumbledore, who are talking in private at the table.

Andrew: “How dare they speak to each other?”

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Micah: Also, for Educational Decree Number 26.

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Micah: Think it just goes without saying anytime an Educational Decree comes through.

Eric: Yep.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: That’s plus one automatically.

Andrew: We don’t even have to read it.

Micah: The scarring of the back of Lee Jordan’s hand. We touched on this earlier, but Lee calls Umbridge out on her own Educational Decree, and Harry later sees him holding the back of his hand, so she’s at it again with her scarring.

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Andrew: They need a special club at Hogwarts just for all of her victims. And it surprises me that Lee Jordan doesn’t go and report this either. Nobody wants to talk about it to a higher authority, and I really think if a teacher found out, they would do something about this, because this is terrible.

Micah: Yep. And one more for making Trelawney and Hagrid uncomfortable in both of their classrooms and really just disrupting the overall flow of school at Hogwarts.

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Andrew: All right, so the new total is 56.


MVP of the Week


Andrew: And it’s time now for MVP of the Week.

[MVP of the Week music plays]

Andrew: I’m going to give mine to Rita – yes, Rita Skeeter – for coping with the embarrassment she must feel to have to work for these brats! How terrible! Poor Rita.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: Blackmail.

Eric: I’m going to give it to Hermione for putting Rita to good use, and to Luna for taking the jabs that Rita gives her in stride.

Micah: I was going to give it to Neville for the way he responded to the article in the Daily Prophet, but I’m actually going to pivot and give it to Roger Davies for having one hell of a Valentine’s Day that Harry didn’t.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Laura: He knows how to get it done.

Micah: He was thirsty.

Laura: [laughs] I’m going to give mine to Luna and Xenophilius Lovegood for committing to getting the truth out.

Andrew: Polar opposite answers, Roger Davies and Luna and Xenophilius.

[Eric laughs]


Rename the Chapter


Andrew: Okay, now let’s rename the chapter. Order the Phoenix Chapter 25, “You Beetle Believe It!”

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: “I have to write for The Quibbler?” Yes you beetle believe it.

Eric: I really enjoyed Rita’s name for Hermione, so I named the chapter Order of the Phoenix Chapter 25, “Little Miss Perfect.”

Micah: [laughs] I went with Order of the Phoenix Chapter 25, “Check, table one.”

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: And I went with Order of the Phoenix Chapter 25, “Harry’s Galentine’s Day.”

Eric: Aww.

Andrew: Cute. If you have any feedback about today’s discussion, we would love to hear it; send it on in to MuggleCast@gmail.com, or record a voice memo and send it to MuggleCast@gmail.com. We also have the contact form on MuggleCast.com, or tweet us, Instagram us, Facebook us. We are MuggleCast on all three of those platforms. And by the way, happy birthday to our social media manager, Jule, who is turning some age today, the day we’re recording, Saturday, April 18th.

Eric: Happy Birthday, Jule.

Laura: Happy Birthday!

Micah: Happy Birthday.

Andrew: Happy, Happy Birthday!

Micah: Hashtag Happy Birthday.

Andrew: [laughs] Is that a popular hashtag? Happy Birthday?

Micah: HBD.


Quizzitch


Andrew: It’s time now for Quizzitch.

[Quizzitch music plays]

Eric: Yes, last week’s question: What does Hagrid instruct Harry to put on the salamanders at Hogwarts? This answer is chili powder. Chili powder, so they’re a little extra spicy. People who submitted the correct answer to us over on Twitter include LazTatus, Meg Scott, MatthewTwoBeers, LessThanStace, Jason King, A Man, I Miss Sports, and Caleb McReynolds.

Andrew: Micah misses sports too.

Micah: Yeah.

Andrew: Nobody else, though.

Micah: I think we all do.

Eric: I miss baseball, but only baseball.

Andrew: Oh, okay. I miss Quidditch.

Eric: [laughs] Anyway, next week’s question: What topic does Xenophilius tell Luna that Harry’s story is outselling?

Andrew: Okay.

Micah: Can only imagine.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Thank you, everybody, for listening to today’s episode. We would love if you joined our community at Patreon.com/MuggleCast. By doing so, you’ll be helping this podcast grow, and to thank you, you will receive some magical benefits in return, including a personalized “Thank you” message from one of the four of us on video, our twice monthly bonus MuggleCast installments, the ability to listen live as we record each new episode, and a whole lot more. There’s four years of stuff for you to dig through now, all at Patreon.com/MuggleCast. And it feels so good to receive your support, so thank you, thank you, thank you. And I should be getting samples of our physical benefit in the next couple days, and I think after that, we will hopefully be ready to announce it, so stay tuned for some news about this year’s physical gift. All right, I think that does it for this week’s episode of MuggleCast. Thank you, everybody, for listening. I’m Andrew.

Eric: I’m Eric.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: Goodbye!

Eric, Laura, and Micah: Bye.

Transcript #461

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #461, Snape’s Secrets (OOTP 24, Occlumency)


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into J.K. Rowling’s Wizarding World. I’m Andrew.

Eric Scull: I’m Eric.

Micah Tannenbaum: I’m Micah.

Laura Tee: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: On today’s episode, we are discussing Chapter 24 of Order of the Phoenix, “Occlumency.” And I was thinking this morning, it’s crazy that we never got this far in Order of the Phoenix, because this is such a critical chapter.

Micah: It’s huge.

Andrew: And I assume we had some discussion at some point about Legilimency and Occlumency, but we’ve never actually discussed the chapter, so that’s cool.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: And we also have some Muggle Mail this week, but first, a couple news items.


News


Andrew: Just want to say thank you to everybody who attended our second Quizzitch Live: The Fandom of Secrets. Congratulations to Danny, our first place winner. Runner-ups were Gavin, Snail Bump, Janeth, Gina, Josie, Adrine, Jeff, Lauren, Jamie, EJ, and many others. So congratulations; it was a lot of fun. We had around 600 people playing, and this game, I think, went smoother technically than the first, so that’s good.

Eric: Definitely, definitely. It was a lot of fun seeing how many people came out for it while hosting it. And I gotta say, Andrew and Laura, nice job on those questions.

Andrew: Aww, thanks.

Laura: Thank you. It was a lot of fun. It was like a trip down memory lane.

Andrew: If you want to watch the trivia game, you can watch the replay; we have it on MuggleCast.com, so feel free to watch it at your leisure. That’ll help you kill about 90 minutes of quarantine time. And we hope to do another Quizzitch Live in the weeks ahead. And I think this is a new thing we’re going to keep doing, because they’re just so much fun and everybody seems to really like them. And whether or not Quarantine is happening, I think it’s just a new feature of MuggleCast.

Eric: Wow.

Micah: Yeah. I did hear, though, that the next one may move to the weekend. Is that true? Can you confirm or deny that?

Andrew: Yes, the rumor mill is suggesting that the next Quizzitch Live may be over the weekend to accommodate more people, and we would do it earlier in the day so some of our international listeners can participate. I know these have been late for the international people, so yeah, we will try to do that earlier in the day on a weekend.

Micah: I did see one person in the comments very early on when we started; they were saying, “Oh, it’s 1:28 a.m. in South Africa.” So whoever that person was, kudos to you for staying up and doing Quizzitch.

Andrew: Absolutely.

Micah: As Eric said, you guys did an amazing job with those questions. I thought when I had the first one and I got it right, I was like, “Oh, you know what? I’m going to do great on this.” But then those questions started coming, and I was like, “Wow, I really need to brush up on my fandom trivia.”

Andrew: [laughs] I’m a big fan.

Laura: Yeah, we had some obscure information in there for sure.

Andrew: But it just feels so good to do our own trivia game, because we go to these ones at the bars in Chicago, Eric and I go to them, and they’re just… they’re fine, but they’re not done by fans.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: We’re fans. We know our stuff, so we’re doing these right, I feel. We’re taking over.

Eric: That’s right.

Andrew: How about some good news? We all need some good news right now, right?

Micah: Totally.

Andrew: Rupert Grint is expecting his first child!

Eric: What!

Laura: Aww.

Andrew: With his longtime girlfriend, Georgia Groome.

Laura: Oh, that’s wonderful.

Andrew: That’s so sweet. Congratulations to these two. I bet a lot of girls who grew up watching the Harry Potter films are jealous.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Eric: I’ve seen posts like, crying face, “My husband!”

Andrew: Yeah. Just wanted to mention it because this is the first of the trio to have a child, so they’re having a little wizard baby.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: Now, who do you think is going to be the godfather of this child? Do you think Dan Radcliffe is up to the task?

Andrew: Hmm, good question.

Eric: Do you think Rupert will ask him? I mean, because that’s what… let’s just get all obsessed, talking baby stuff…

Andrew: [laughs] Talking gossip.

Eric: This kid’s going to grow up with an Auntie Emma and Uncle Dan, right? That’s just… we know already.

Andrew: I guess it depends on how close Dan, Rupert, and Emma still are these days. Do they keep in touch? If they don’t, then he might not be the godfather.

Eric: Maybe it’d be Tom Felton, because don’t Rupert and Tom hang out?

Andrew: Oh, that’s true. Yeah.

Micah: Yeah, I was going to say a lot of times the relationships that form, the friendships, they may not always be between the characters that spend the most time together on screen.

Andrew and Eric: Right.

Andrew: True, they’re just playing other people. Apparently, Rupert and his girlfriend Georgia have been together since 2011. I didn’t know they had been together for so long, so good for them. Not that it was any of our business, but…

Eric: He told the Guardian in 2018… he said, “I’d like to settle down and have kids soon,” and he said, “If I had a son, would I call him Ron? It’s quite a good name, but probably not. And Grint’s a tough name to pair a one-syllable first name with.” We could probably guess, but I think he’s thinking that his kid, boy or girl, will have a more-than-one-syllable name.

Micah: Ron Grint.

Andrew: George Grint.

Laura: Oof.

Eric: James Grint.

Laura: I hope…

Andrew: How about Fred? Little grim?

Eric: Fred Grint.

Andrew: Fred lives on. Fred Weasley lives on. [laughs]

Laura: Geez. You know, I think it’s possible he might want to give his child a non-Harry Potter name.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Right, yes.

Eric: But it’s fun because we all have those sort of hesitations about our own last names. My last name, I have problems with. [laughs]

Andrew: Scull? Yeah, that’s…

Laura: Why? Your last name is cool.

Eric: I mean, it’s cool one month out of the year, okay?

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Nah. Halloween year round, baby.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: Yeah, Laura is goth. She would love the name Scull.

Micah: It’s a badass last name, Eric. You should be proud of it.

Eric: Let’s trade last names, Laura.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Oh, okay. Mine’s real boring; you can have it.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: If Laura said, “I love your last name, Eric” back ten years ago, everybody would have started shipping Laura and Eric, I think. [laughs]

Laura: Yep. Oh, Jesus, people… listen, I got shipped with all of y’all at some point.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Yeah, there’s fanfic.

Laura: I almost… yes.

Eric: Or real fic? What do they call that when it’s real life?

Laura: Ooh, I don’t know.

Andrew: Nonfiction.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: No, there’s a name for fanfic with real people, but yeah.

Micah: Very good, very good.


Listener Feedback


Andrew: On to Muggle Mail now. This is from Emily.

“I decided to get out and take a walk while listening to the latest episode. I live near a huge cemetery and was walking through during the part where you mentioned that J.K. Rowling got Lockhart’s name from a war memorial. Just after that, I passed a mausoleum with the name Lockhart on it! :O I thought this was a creepy coincidence and wanted to share it with you all. I think I’ll just pretend from now on that this cemetery in Pennsylvania is where she got the idea.”

Eric: Whoa.

Andrew: Yeah, that’s creepy.

Micah: That is. It’s very meta.

Eric: She included a photo.

Andrew: Yeah, and this is huge.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Wow. I wonder if Gilderoy is actually in there.

Micah: What are the chances that that happens the moment you’re listening to the podcast? You’re out on a walk, and you just happen to see something very similar to what J.K. Rowling happened upon, except you’re in Pennsylvania; not in Scotland.

Eric: It’s got to be a million and one.

[Andrew hums The Twilight Zone theme song]

Laura: Maybe it’s a Confoundable.

Andrew: Oh.

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Laura: Disappeared out of nowhere.

Micah: Catch it.

Andrew: Our next piece of feedback is a voicemail.

[Voicemail plays]

“Hello, MuggleCast. Hope everyone is doing well and staying safe. My name is Yasmin, and I just wanted to respond to something Andrew said at the beginning of Episode 460 when discussing what the quiz questions would be like for the Quizzitch Live: Fandom of Secrets event. Andrew said that an example of a question may be ‘Where did J.K. Rowling reveal that Dumbledore is gay?’ Though I understand that the answer to this question would be Carnegie Hall, I would like to posit that technically, there is a different answer. On YouTube it’s possible to watch the documentary J.K. Rowling: A Year in the Life, which followed J.K. Rowling through the year prior to finishing Deathly Hallows. At just after the 32 minute mark, the interviewer asks if Charlie is gay, to which Rowling says no, but that Dumbledore is gay. Though this documentary was not really released until December of 2007 after the Carnegie event happened in October, I believe the interview in question happened prior to the Carnegie event. I often use this documentary as a response to those who say that Rowling retconned Dumbledore as gay after the books were published to get woke points. Though Rowling has been problematic with issues within the queer community, I think this documentary is definitive proof that she had always viewed Dumbledore as gay and that that informed her writing of him. Thanks for all you guys do, and I look forward to your next podcast. Bye.”

[Voicemail ends]

Andrew: That is a really interesting observation. Thank you, Yasmin, for sharing.

Eric: What a strong reporter for not leaking that immediately to everybody everywhere, because that was a scoop then.

Andrew: Yeah. Well, I have the clip. Let’s listen to this moment from J.K. Rowling: A Year in the Life.

[Audio clip plays]

J.K. Rowling: … born on the anniversary of the battle that finished it all, which is the second of May, if anyone’s been paying attention. And then Charlie had no children or married.

Interviewer: Is he gay?

J.K. Rowling: Dumbledore is gay. I told a reader that once, and I thought she was going to slap me. But I always saw Dumbledore as gay. No, I don’t think Charlie is gay, just more interested in dragons than women.

[Audio clip ends]

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Is the initial reveal here to that reader that she told all those years ago?

Andrew: That would be the very first time, I guess, yeah. And I wonder, did she see this person out on the street and she was like, “Oh, by the way, Dumbledore is gay”? How did that come up in conversation? Maybe the person was asking if Dumbledore ever fell in love or something like that.

Laura: Let’s interview that person.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: “Why did you not like what J.K. Rowling had to say to you?” Anyway, in Quizzitch Live, we recommended watching A Year in the Life, and again, I want to recommend that. This A Year in the Life documentary, it follows J.K. Rowling around the release of Deathly Hallows, and it’s really, really good, including when she finished writing the book. And you can watch this on YouTube, and we’ll include a link in this week’s show notes. Please, Micah.

Micah: Absolutely. Soon as you send it to me, it’ll go in the show notes.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Before we get started with Chapter by Chapter, this week’s episode of MuggleCast is sponsored by Wondery’s Imagined Life podcast.

[Ad break]


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Andrew: All right, let’s move on now to Chapter by Chapter, and this week we are discussing Chapter 24, “Occlumency” in Order of the Phoenix, and we’ll start with our seven-word summary. Ready when you are, Laura.

Laura: Yep. Harry’s…

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

Andrew: … journey…

Micah: … back…

Eric: … into…

Laura: … his…

Andrew: … mind…

Micah: … fails.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Laura: I mean, it’s actually that.

Andrew: Actually, that works. Yeah, that’s good.

Micah: I was trying to beat the music…

Andrew: Yes.

Micah: … because I thought we were getting very close on time there.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: We were.

Andrew: Yeah, we had seconds left.


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Micah: All right, so Andrew, you touched on this at the top of the episode, but I don’t think we’ve ever ventured into Occlumency really all that much in the course of this show, and that’s saying something, considering we’ve been around for 15 years. And we’ll get to that, but the chapter starts out with Harry really not wanting to go back to Hogwarts, and he goes through a list in his mind of all the things that are awaiting him there. He obviously can’t play Quizzitch – or Quidditch, sorry.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: See what’s happening now? Quizzitch is taking over. But really the only thing he is looking forward to is the meetings for Dumbledore’s Army. And I was just thinking, have we ever been in this situation ourselves before, where we’re going back to school? Maybe it’s going back to college, and there’s only one or two things that we’re really looking forward to.

Laura: Nope. I loved school.

Eric: Oh, wow.

Micah: All right, Hermione.

Laura: I was always very excited to go back. [laughs]

Eric: Lucky you.

Andrew: Hermione indeed.

Eric: There were bad years where I didn’t want to go back for sure after break, or really had nothing except some friends that I see the most at school, that kind of thing.

Andrew: Yeah. There were some elements of school I enjoyed, but mainly I think it was more about summer ending. It was just always sad when summer was ending. It was more that than dreading going back to school.

Laura: You’re telling me that y’all weren’t excited about going school supply shopping? That was fun.

Andrew: No, that was so sad!

Laura: [laughs] I love getting all of my stuff together for the first day of school.

Andrew: I didn’t realize Hermione was guest hosting today’s podcast.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: How was your latest ski trip, Hermione?

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Laura: I was a lot less prone to abide by the rules than she was, but I did enjoy school.

Micah: Do we think there could be a little bit of PTSD going on here for Harry going back to school? Obviously, a lot of bad things have happened with Umbridge, but I’m thinking of the last thing that happened when he was at Hogwarts was he attacked Mr. Weasley.

Andrew: Yeah, that’s true. I mean, it’s been a bad first half of the year, so I can see why he doesn’t want to go back.

Laura: Well, and he’s also thinking about the fact that he’s going to be back under Umbridge’s tyrannical thumb, right? So she’s made the first half of his fifth year pretty miserable.

Andrew: And he doesn’t want to leave Sirius either, right?

Eric: Yeah, he has a bad feeling about that, in fact.

Micah: Yeah, he does. But somebody who is actually quite happy at the beginning of this chapter – and I think it’s worth mentioning – is Kreacher. Kreacher has been found.

Andrew: Yeah, and in a better mood, right? A slightly better mood.

Micah: Oh, he’s like… house-elf high for him.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Yeah, and Sirius doesn’t think anything of it now that Kreacher is back, but Harry actually has his suspicions. And of course, Harry’s suspicions will be right, as we learn later.

Micah: Absolutely. And Harry is just trying to relax before he goes back to Hogwarts, and what could put him in a better mood than to find out that Professor Snape is down in the kitchen waiting to speak with him? And Harry does a double take on this.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: Because he’s first of all just, I think, shocked that Snape is even at Grimmauld Place, much less wanting to speak with him. And Harry comes downstairs, and the way that I always envisioned this was – and I think it’s actually described this way – is that Snape is at one end of the table, Sirius is at the other, and Harry sits down next to his godfather. And it’s a pretty nasty exchange between the two of them, not surprising. What gives here?

Andrew: Yeah, this was a good fight. They both have some jabs that really land, and I did find it immature overall. We get why there’s this animosity between the two; Sirius had almost killed Snape, so we can see why there’s some anger there. [laughs] But the insults are really good. I just wish… reading the scene, I’m just thinking to myself, did you have to do this in front of the kid in a home filled with lots of other people right now? Take this out on the street. Do it somewhere in private.

Laura: Yeah. I mean, definitely in regards to Sirius, he never really got to grow beyond this, because in his very young adult life he was carted off to Azkaban, so he never got those maturing years that he would have gotten otherwise. And I think Snape also lost that time to serving Voldemort, so I would say both of them are probably pretty emotionally stunted.

Eric: Yeah, it’s just this meeting goes off the rails pretty quickly. Snape says to Harry, “Sit down, Potter,” and Sirius is like, “Don’t give my godson orders! This is my house!” And Snape is like, “But I’m here on Dumbledore’s orders, which supersedes everything else.” And it really should, but the two of them were just never meant to like one another, it seems.

Micah: Right. I think, Andrew, when you were talking about the bad blood that exists between the two of them, it’s really just an opportunity for Snape to one-up Sirius in front of Harry in his own home, where Sirius has grown up. And I also think it’s a bit of showmanship on the part that Dumbledore is entrusting Snape with this major responsibility of teaching Harry Occlumency, and Sirius is just kind of sitting at home, twiddling his thumbs. And I think a lot of what happens here drives Sirius to do things later on in this book, because there is this feeling… not just with Snape in this moment; we’ve seen it throughout the course of this book where Sirius just feels as if there’s nothing that he can do that’s helpful to Harry, or maybe even to the Order.

Eric: Yeah, Snape definitely calls that out, and I think that’s really the fatal blow here, is he’s goading Sirius about wanting to feel involved and feeling like he’s important or can do something, anything, to help. And it might be that Snape is reading this right off of Sirius’s face; it might be that he’s reading his mind subtly, but he absolutely nails what the problem is. And if this occurrence had not happened, if this interaction had not occurred between the two of them, I don’t think that it would even be in Harry’s mind that something like what Voldemort sends him could happen, that Sirius would just venture out and get himself in trouble. But this scene definitely sets that up, I think.

Laura: Should Dumbledore have foreseen something like this, potentially goading Sirius into dangerous behavior, and therefore said, “You know what? Harry is going to be back at Hogwarts tomorrow. Why doesn’t Snape just let him know about this tomorrow?” Why does he need to go visit Grimmauld Place on the last Sunday that Harry is going to be there? Or the last Saturday.

Micah: It’s a great question.

Andrew: Well, setting aside the fact that this is just great from a reader perspective, maybe Dumbledore wanted a fight. Maybe he wanted them to duke it out. Or maybe he was hopeful they would set their differences aside and maybe smooth things over between them. Maybe he envisioned Snape coming to Grimmauld Place, and Snape would say what he had to say to Harry, and then Sirius or Snape would say, “Hey, let’s have some tea and…” What are those things called?

Eric: Crumpets?

Micah: Biscuits?

Andrew: Biscuits! Yeah, crumpets, biscuits… let’s sit down and let’s patch things up.

Micah: We sound so cultured, by the way.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: What do they eat over there? [laughs]

Eric: The other thing is that Hogwarts is no longer his own, strictly. I think they’re going to have to do this… if they do it at Hogwarts, they have to do it under Umbridge’s watchful eye, right? Doesn’t even Snape say, “You cannot tell anyone, especially Umbridge, about this”?

Andrew: Right, so that could be a good reason to do it off grounds.

Eric: Yeah, they’ve invented this cover story.

Micah: That’s where your Quizzitch question comes in, Eric, about remedial potions.

Eric: Ah, yes, yes. We’ll get to that later. So I think that’s why he does it. But I think Dumbledore, for the most part, has completely mishandled his treatment of Harry, we’ve talked about, but also his treatment of Sirius. People are going to lash out if they’re cooped up, if they have nothing to do, if they’re bored. They’re going to try and pass this time. And Dumbledore has not given Sirius… I mean, you can give him a little research mission that can be done at the house, or give him some of your crossword puzzles or something. Just keep the mind active. Sirius, I think, is probably feeling the same level of neglect from Dumbledore that Harry is, and it’s actually a remarkable testament to his strength that it took him all year to actually leave.

Micah: Yeah, agreed.

Eric: There’s your counter point.

Micah: And I also think it’s to set up Harry for going back to Hogwarts. We already talked about how he is really not looking forward to it; this just adds another layer to the fact that he needs to be taking these lessons with Snape, of all people. And we’ll get into it in a little bit, but the fact that Snape is penetrating his mind is just… to me, it’s next level, and I don’t understand why Dumbledore allows it to happen, but he does. Two other points here that you had, Andrew, about Snape referring to Sirius as a coward: We all know how important that one word is in the next book as it relates to Snape, so funny that he would feel empowered to refer to Sirius in that way. And he also… or actually, Sirius refers to Snape as Lucius’s lap dog…

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Micah: … and that brings up the conversation about how Sirius was found out on the platform earlier this semester this year. Big mistake.

Andrew: Right, that was really clever. That’s why I love this fight; there’s so many good jabs back and forth. “Well, speaking of dogs, Lucius saw you as a dog, you dummy!”

[Eric laugh]

Micah: Right. Well, the Weasleys show up and that puts a stop to the fight, and I just thought it was really odd that Snape gets that one line in right before he leaves, telling Harry, “Remember to show up at this time on Monday.” It’s just very Snape. He’s got… no, like, “Hey, I’ve got information that probably the rest of the people who just walked in here have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.” But we get to the point where Harry and the rest of the kids are getting ready to go get on the Knight Bus and head back to Hogwarts, and there’s a great quote here about Harry and how he’s feeling saying goodbye to Sirius. It says, “Harry had an unpleasant constricted sensation in his chest; he did not want to say goodbye to Sirius. He had a bad feeling about this parting; he did not know when they would next see each other and felt that it was incumbent upon him to say something to Sirius to stop him doing anything stupid.” Should we have known?

Andrew: Well, you have to read between the lines of every little thing that J.K. Rowling says. And yeah, I think we should have known. Maybe we did. I can’t remember if I thought that reading this for the first time. But what also stood out to me was that in their last moments here, J.K. Rowling says that Sirius smiled “grimly,” and of course, the grim is a death omen. And so he smiles grimly at Harry, and then he says, “Take care of yourself.” And it’s a good goodbye; we just didn’t know it was a goodbye.

Micah: Right.

Laura: Yeah. I mean, you could argue that J.K. Rowling has been setting Sirius up to die ever since she introduced him. I mean, his Animagus form looks like a grim.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: Yeah. He was born to die. Isn’t that a Lana Del Rey song? “Born to Die.”

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Eric: Doesn’t make it right, though. I just wish that there had been more to Sirius than… she essentially puts him through the ringer of J.K. Rowling, making him suffer all year before finally killing him, and it’s just… I feel like she done my man dirty.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: Well, he’s your favorite character, right?

Eric: He is my favorite character, and I think that probably still holds up. I mean, he was my AOL screen name forever ago.

Micah: That’s right.

Eric: I like that he doesn’t actually leave the house; Harry only thinks that he does. But all of this worrying that Harry is doing no doubt feeds into Voldemort, and probably gives Voldemort the plan on a silver platter.

Micah: Absolutely. And that ties into the fact that Harry makes the decision… Sirius gifts him something that he doesn’t open at this time, but Harry says in his mind he’s never going to utilize it because he doesn’t want to put Sirius in danger. However, if he had only used it, Sirius never would have died, probably not in this way.

Eric: This is J.K. Rowling kicking all of us while we’re down. [laughs]

Micah: Totally.

Eric: The mirror that could have solved so many things all along, and would immediately get around all of Umbridge’s defenses, doesn’t get used? Ahh, it just hurts.

Andrew: But that’s also classic J.K. Rowling. She’s leaving this groundwork that comes into play later. This is something that you might gloss over when you’re reading it the first time, or maybe even the second time. Then you find out how it comes into play, and it’s like, “Whoa, she dropped that early.”

Laura: Well, and you can’t really blame Harry, can you? I mean, Sirius has shown time and again that if the door to irresponsibility is cracked open, he’ll come bursting through it every single time.

Andrew and Micah: Right.

Laura: So actually, I think Harry is being really responsible here and doing what any of us would do if we had the same prior knowledge that he did.

Andrew: For sure.

Micah: Yeah, that’s a great point.

Andrew: And you think about just how Umbridge almost nabbed Sirius. I mean, yeah, there’s no way he should risk that type of thing happening again.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: So they leave the house; Sirius has seen Harry for the last time outside of the Department of Mysteries. And they decided to take the Knight Bus. Do you guys know on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver he does this segment from time to time, “How is this still a thing?”

Eric: Oh.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: I was thinking that when reading about the Knight Bus. How is the Knight Bus still a thing? The seats and the personal belongings are flying all over because the vehicle is being driven really fast and it’s coming to these screeching halts and accelerating really rapidly. Everybody’s getting sick. Ron was all excited to ride it for the first time, and then by the… not even a few minutes into the ride, he was over it and wishing he could get off.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Why does the Knight Bus exist? This doesn’t sound helpful. This sounds like a miserable trip.

Laura: Andrew, when I was reading this I thought of you, and I imagined I heard your voice in my head saying, “The Knight Bus is a transportation nightmare.”

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: It is!

Laura: But also, it is stated in Prisoner of Azkaban that it’s emergency transportation for the lost or stranded wizard.

Andrew: Okay.

Laura: So I think it’s intentionally a bit off-kilter because of some of the situations it might be recovering people out of.

Andrew: Okay, so there’s an urgency, so they have to speed up and slow down really fast, maybe. But I don’t know; I feel like this could still be a more pleasant ride.

Eric: Yeah, I think that they absolutely could probably do something to soften around the edges, but I just always see the Knight Bus as a strict takedown of all public transit. In major cities especially, you get on the bus and there’s always something going wrong on the bus, either it’s too loud, or it’s too crowded, there’s too many people, or it’s too slow. You always have these problems, right? And sudden stops and sudden starts is pretty much the game.

Andrew: And Muggle buses have the seats drilled into the floor. Maybe the Knight Bus should at least do that.

Eric: Oh, yeah.

Laura: I mean, that doesn’t matter. I had an experience on a New York City bus one time where the bus driver came to such an abrupt halt that it threw all of us from our seats – I mean, multiple people fell to the floor – so actually, I agree with Eric here that I think this is sort of an exaggerated version of what we all deal with anyway.

Micah: Yeah, or the subway. I mean, the subway is like that too, especially in New York, if you get a conductor who doesn’t really know what he or she is doing, and they realize in a split second that they need to stop the train and it’s in the middle of actually moving. I have had a very similar experience to what Laura just said on the bus, where everybody literally goes flying, even if they’re sitting down or holding onto a pole, because they’re just not expecting it. But I just think it’s part of the magical world. Though I do wonder why magic is not utilized to at least make it a little bit smoother of a ride for most people.

Andrew: Right. I just want to see everybody have a comfortable ride, or at least a little more comfortable.

Eric: Also, apparently you can bump up yourself on the queue as far as destination by just bribing the driver.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Eric: Which is… that’s something I want to see implemented in actual public transit. If I can just jump down the train line for an extra hundred pounds or whatever.

Micah: Yeah, why not?

Andrew: Right. Or if you’re on a school bus, because sometimes you’re, unfortunately, one of the last people to be dropped off – your school bus ride is an hour – I would love to bribe my school bus driver to drop me off first.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: Do you still ride the school bus, Andrew?

Andrew: Yes?

Micah: No judgment on this show.

Andrew: You know what I mean. Back in the day.

Micah: It’s okay, Andrew. But yeah, I mean, it was very cool to see it come to life in Prisoner of Azkaban the movie, but I do agree it’s a really questionable form of transportation. But I guess really the magic is in the fact that it can get you really quickly from one place to another.

Eric: Yeah, and it’s not as monitored as the… this whole book is about who’s watching who and all that kind of a thing. But the thing that came to my mind was that I had forgotten that they ride the Knight Bus in Book 5, and Book 5 actually also came out before the third movie, so I was thinking, wow, J.K. Rowling either provided or probably knew about the fact that they were bringing the Knight Bus to life right around the same time she was writing this. And I’m imagining that both scenes – the ones in Book 3 and the ones in Book 5 – were probably utilized to really bring the Knight Bus to life, because I don’t know that the original scene is as hectic or frantic, specifically, as it is in this chapter. So I figured maybe they both had influence on how it showed up in the third film.

Micah: And Stan Shunpike is not a Death Eater yet.

Eric: Yet.

Micah: As far as we know. And there’s no shrunken heads on this version of the Knight Bus either.

Eric: Interesting.

Micah: Think that was just a movie-ism.

Andrew: Right, well, that was, as we know, an Alfonso CuarĂ³n touch.

Laura: Yep.

Micah: Because why not?

Andrew: [imitating shrunken head] “Take it away, Ern!”

Eric: [imitating shrunken head] “Yeah, take it away, Ern.”

[Laura laughs]

Micah: So we make our way to Hogwarts finally. The Knight Bus is able to pull into Hogsmeade. They get off and walk up to the castle, and things start up as normal as they can, and there’s this very brief moment between Cho and Harry, and they’re trying to make some plans. At least, Cho is trying to drop some hints to Harry about Valentine’s Day.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: And Harry, I think, is just… and Laura, look, I’m not trying to give him a mulligan here, but I think he’s so distracted with everything that’s been going on – particularly focused on his lessons with Snape – that he’s not really picking up on what she’s throwing out there. But he does come through in the end, doesn’t he?

Laura: Yeah, no. And actually, I agree here. I think that for a teenage boy, Harry actually caught on really quickly here. Having had the experience of being a teenage girl and trying to drop these kinds of hints to boys that I liked, it never went this way.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: It was usually straight over their head. And that moment where Cho was walking away all disappointed does not get interrupted by the guy suddenly realizing what it is you want, so he did good here.

Andrew: Good job, Harry.

Eric: Well, Harry just didn’t have time to check the notice board with being so distracted. But isn’t it the most Ravenclaw thing ever that Cho is back one day and has already checked and caught up on her notice board that she knows about the Hogsmeade weekend? Very Ravenclaw.

Laura: Well, of course.

Micah: Yeah, very well done on Harry’s part, and it is, like you said, Laura, typical teenage awkwardness happening here. But good on Harry; at least he’s able to get something positive out of this chapter, because it’s about to go to hell from this point forward.

Eric: I just want to shout out to J.K. Rowling, though, because she really does a good job at this awkwardness, right? And it’s just a misunderstanding or a failure of communication, and I think that this happens between… I mean, it’s happened to me much more recently than my teenage years, of trying to communicate with somebody that you like, and it’s just… it’s never easy. It’s never as easy as it should be.

Micah: Absolutely.

Laura: No, you’ve got to find somebody who understands and appreciates your own personal level of awkwardness.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: And that’s why dating is hard.

Micah: Right. Like the four of us, we all appreciate each other’s awkwardness.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Yes, exactly.

Andrew: I’m not awkward.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Laura: Oh, Andrew.

Andrew: No? Yes?

Laura: We’re all a little awkward.

Andrew: Yeah, fine.

Micah: We are.

[pause]

Micah: All right, so let’s talk about Occlumency.

Andrew: [laughs] Yep.

Micah: Speaking of awkwardness, speaking of penetrating people’s minds. And one thing I wanted to start out talking about is that Snape is really the one to give Harry the information that Dumbledore and the rest of the Order have chose not to. Whether directly or indirectly, he is giving Harry more than what Harry has learned probably in the last several months, and I found this really interesting that it’s Snape that’s doing it.

Eric: Yep. I mean, after reading this chapter for this show, again, I’ve concluded that I’m pro-Snape this chapter.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: It’s difficult. It’s really difficult because he goads Sirius and he goads Harry, and he does not make it easy, but Snape is the most forthcoming with all of this information, like you’re saying, and he tells it to Harry. If Harry is not listening, or if Harry is not ready to interpret the information, that’s kind of on Harry. There are things he could do to be softening the blows, but Snape is ultimately laying on the line why it’s important to be having these lessons, and sort of even a timeline of events as such that nobody else is giving him.

Micah: Right. And we learn that Voldemort was possessing Nagini, and therefore so was Harry. And I thought that was a big reveal because for this last couple of weeks for Harry, he’s been thinking that he was directly possessing Nagini.

Andrew: Right.

Micah: But in fact it was Voldemort, and Harry was inside of Voldemort’s mind. So Harry was basically two minds removed from Nagini? I don’t know how that works. But that was a big piece of information. And then also, after the first, let’s call it penetration, by Snape, Harry deduces that the door, the corridor that he’s been seeing all year, is in fact the Department of Mysteries. And he throws this information out to Snape, and Snape kind of does a bit of a double take.

Andrew: Yeah, I was actually surprised how Snape reacted in this moment, like he actually cared about something that Harry was feeling? Normally you don’t see him care so much.

Eric: Right. It’s so interesting when you get into his head, or the fact that Snape sees when it’s happening, when Harry’s brain makes the connection, he lets go of the spell. He’s like, “Wait, what was that?” Because you can kind of feel the emotions as they’re happening, and both characters are forced to witness the memories spilling out, or Snape is only getting flashes or something. But it all feels different. I mean, we’re just experiencing a man in his prime here with Snape. You’re never going to get a better teacher than Snape to teach you this. One does not exist.

Micah: Right. But let’s talk about that, because I have a bit of a problem with a 30-something-year-old teacher penetrating the mind of a 15-year-old teenager…

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: … who, by the way, just has the utmost disdain for Harry’s dad, for Harry, for anybody in Harry’s circle. So I want to know what in the world is Dumbledore thinking here?

Andrew: Well…

Eric: Dumbledore is thinking Snape is the best.

Andrew: Yeah, I agree with that. But who else to do it? Dumbledore? Because Dumbledore is even older than Snape.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: That’s a 110-year-old penetrating a 15-year-old’s mind. There’s no good answer here, I think, is the problem. But this is just the cards that they’ve been dealt, and this is just what has to be done.

Laura: I also wonder if Dumbledore is viewing these lessons as sort of a conduit for giving Harry this information, because we know Harry has a lot of questions; we know that he wants to ask Dumbledore these questions. I could very much see him telling Snape, “Yo, please make sure that he understands that he was not possessing the snake; Voldemort was, and ergo, he was also in the snake with Voldemort,” and really helping to establish that connection between the two of them, because Dumbledore probably doesn’t want to be the one telling Harry these things and potentially risk Voldemort seeing that Dumbledore knows.

Eric: Right.

Micah: That’s a great point, and we’ll get to something that Snape says later, I think, that makes him the perfect teacher for this. And I’m not arguing that; I do believe that he is the best equipped to do this. However, the fact that he’s not approaching this with probably the practiced hand, from a compassionate standpoint… somebody like Dumbledore probably would be a little bit more… or a little less aggressive than Snape is. And look at the fact that Snape does this three times to Harry, right? We see it three times in this chapter where he’s penetrating his mind, and we know the effects that this has from later on in the chapter. To me, this would be the equivalent of taking a novice boxer, right, who has very little to no experience, and you’re putting them in the ring three times against a pro, and you’re expecting him or her to be able to defend themselves appropriately. It’s just not going to happen.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: Yeah. I think the better question is – because it seems like Snape was the only person who could do this – why didn’t Dumbledore say, “Hey, Snape, approach this calmly”? “Teach him the right way. Don’t let your feelings towards Harry and his father get in the way of teaching a good lesson here.” Because half the problem with this first lesson is that Snape is telling Harry to calm down and control his mind, and Snape is aggravating Harry. So Dumbledore should have given him a warning here about how to approach this, because apparently Snape can’t figure this out for himself.

Eric: I agree, Snape absolutely is using this opportunity to take his teaching style to the extreme, because he has long known Harry sucks at Potions; he has no attention to detail, and Snape feels vindicated now that this is something that Harry is going to really need to focus on if he wants to save his own self, his own sanity. He takes this to be justified in terms of Snape’s sense of urgency. He’s just like, “Okay, now you’re going to pay attention. You’re going to get this.” And it just… he’s not giving Harry enough recovery time.

Andrew: Right.

Eric: And he’s not giving Harry enough examples of what it looks like to clear one’s mind before immediately probing it again.

Andrew: Yeah. All Snape is saying is, “Calm your mind, clear your head,” and Harry doesn’t have time to do that. And he wants more information on how to do this, and Snape is just not giving it to him. And it’s also frustrating from a reader standpoint, because we want to know how to practice Occlumency, but we can’t. And I compare this to meditating, because anyone who’s meditated knows that that is not easy to do, and certainly not quickly. And if you have one of these apps like Headspace, they have self-guided meditations available, and they’re ten minutes long, and they’ll be like, in the meditation, “Calm your head. Close your mind. Just relax. Feel the weight of your body. If your mind wanders…”

Micah: Bring the attention back to the body.

Andrew: Yeah, “Bring your attention to the body, to the breath. If your mind wanders, that’s okay. That’s fine. Just refocus again.” Snape is like, “Focus, focus, focus! Ahhh!” He would be obviously a terrible person to teach meditation.

[Eric laughs]

Laura and Micah: Yeah.

Laura: I will say, to play a little bit of devil’s advocate here, Harry is going to have to become adept at practicing this under situations of pressure. There’s never going to be a real life scenario in which Voldemort is like, “Okay, do you need a minute?”

Andrew: [laughs] “Do you need a minute to focus?”

Laura: “It’s totally cool, totally cool. Take a couple of minutes, take some deep breaths, and then we’ll come back to this.”

[Eric laughs]

Laura: And I think that’s where Snape is taking this. He’s like, “Listen, kid, when you get out in the real world, there’s going to be none of this mamby-pamby, ‘Sit down and take a few breaths and really center yourself.'”

Andrew: You’re right, you’re right, but for the first time? For the first time, cut him some slack.

Eric: Yeah, yeah. I compare this to… I know we wanted to start connecting threads in the middle of the chapter discussion, but if you look back at Book 3 when Lupin was teaching Harry how to do the Patronus Charm. The Patronus Charm is this incredibly special and experienced charm that no teenager can be really expected to do, and certainly not well. And Harry doesn’t do it completely at first, and it even takes him a while. Eventually he does master it, but it’s taxing on Harry’s resources, right? With the Patronus, he’s got to come up with a happy memory that’s powerful enough that’s going to endure, and with Occlumency, he’s got to really clear his mind and also understand what it feels like and witness what it feels like. I think this is what Snape is going for here. Harry has to get used to – kind of like he did with the Imperius Curse, which is brought up – he has to get used to the feeling of somebody actively penetrating his mind so that he can push back. He even produces, I think, a Stinging Jinx or something unexpectedly, because he’s telling Snape to get out, or “You can’t see this.” It’s just he’s got to get used to it so that he can guard against it. It’s the same way with pretty much everything skilled.

Micah: Yeah, totally.

Laura: Yep. Stakes are much higher.

Micah: And it makes me wonder, too, when we were talking about Snape and whether or not he really relishes this opportunity, early on we see him taking memories from his own mind and putting them in the Pensieve, and I wonder why isn’t Harry allowed to do that if there are things that he doesn’t want Snape to see?

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: And I also wonder if Snape is removing maybe some happy memories. I think somebody had this a little bit later on, potentially about Lily, and yet he keeps in his own mind his own worst memory and doesn’t remove that. And I wonder if that is fueling him internally, in a way. Does that make him even angrier? He moves whatever happy memories he has in his mind and leaves the negative ones, and that is part of what he’s channeling on Harry.

Andrew: We don’t know if he’s pulling the happy memories. I think he could be pulling a variety of things – possibly the pact that he made with Dumbledore, his memories of Lily – because he’s afraid Harry might actually be able to penetrate his mind, which is interesting because Snape is acting like there’s no way he’s going to be able to do this. I think he does believe in Harry a little bit. And I also find it rich that Snape is insulting Harry for being weak. There was this quote here: “Fools who wear their hearts proudly on their sleeves, who cannot control their emotions, who wallow in sad memories and allow themselves to be provoked this easily – weak people, in other words – they stand no chance against his powers!” Yet Snape is removing his own memories from his mind, just in case Harry breaks through any of Snape’s weaknesses.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: It’s like, dude. Hypocrite.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: I think actually now it’s more to do with Voldemort being able to see, should Harry get through, what Snape has truly done.

Eric: Ohh.

Micah: So to Eric’s point about the bond that he has formed between himself and Dumbledore, all backhanded stuff that he’s done in lying to Voldemort. And that comes up later, I think, when Snape is talking about those that are practiced Legilimens.

Andrew: I think that’s right, but I think… I think that’s absolutely right, but I also think it’s because Snape is afraid of Harry seeing his love for Lily.

Micah: Possibly.

Eric: Yeah. I mean, Harry is the guy who – again, about the Imperius Curse – is telling Barty Crouch Moody, “No, you know, I don’t think I will dance on the desk. That doesn’t seem right.” He resists the Imperius Charm with next to no skill at all whatsoever, and knowing this – and Snape brings this up – I think he’s expecting to be completely floored and wowed by Harry and his ability to master this. And he’s very disappointed, I think, and that allows him to be a little bit more provoked, too.

Micah: If he can resist Avada Kedavra, I would hope he can resist the Imperius Curse.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Right.

Eric: Different circumstances.

Micah: That’s, like, one level down.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: But the one other thing I just wanted to talk about with Snape and Occlumency is, do we feel that it can be viewed as a form of mental rape? Because you’re penetrating somebody’s mind and you’re getting to see all of their feelings, all of their memories, that maybe they otherwise don’t want you to know about.

Laura: I definitely think that if used improperly this is absolutely a form of violation, and I think that the way Voldemort uses it is violation.

Eric: Oh, absolutely. He’s trying to suss out people who are going to betray him or are not being truthful, and he… I mean, look at what he did with Bertha Jorkins last year. He uncovers – even breaks through – a Memory Charm. And I don’t even want to know how he really did that, but it was through torturous means, no doubt. And yeah, this is a huge violation.

Andrew: Yeah. I also want to include this email from Yesh; they wrote in about this week’s discussion.

“I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Snape is not wrong when he berates Harry for not being able to control his feelings. As we saw in the last chapter, Harry’s mood vanishes instantly when his friends are able to talk sense into him. Once he sees things rationally, he thinks more clearly, he makes better decisions, even his mood improves. Although Snape treats Harry unfairly, he has a point calling Harry weak, because he can’t control his emotions or thoughts. In earlier chapters, Harry behaves almost inhumanly to his friends, and the same way to others in later chapters. It makes him irrational, stupid, and sometimes (in my opinion) thoroughly unlikable. But then, I also think it’s unfair on Harry’s part because he literally has no one to parent him, to treat him honestly as a teenager, or even understand his psychological position. It makes one realize how badly Hogwarts needs a school counselor. I mean, what about Ginny in Chamber of Secrets? Surely just some hot chocolate can’t beat away that trauma? I also find it interesting what Snape says: ‘Fools who wear…’ because it sounds a lot like Snape talking about himself, especially in his time at Hogwarts with the Marauders, or his feelings for Lily. It’s probably the reason why Snape is so good at Occlumency. Just a thought.”

Laura: I like the idea that Snape is referring to himself, at least his younger self, in terms of weakness, because I mean, of course he had feelings for Lily, but he believed that Dumbledore would be able to protect her. He placed all of his faith in other people, in Voldemort maybe not going after her because he asked him not to, in Dumbledore being able to protect her, etc., etc. And I think Snape saw what the effect of that was, and maybe he’s talking a bit about himself when he mentions people wearing their heart on their sleeve.

Eric: Wow, that’s such introspection on Snape’s part. I just assumed he was making a crack at Gryffindors because they’re very outwardly bold and action-y and they have all their emotions upfront, as opposed to the more calm, calculating Slytherin/Ravenclaw type stuff.

Laura: Yeah, I think that’s part of it, too, but I think there could be some subtextual reading here.

Eric: Yeah, I like that.

Micah: Well, speaking of Snape referring to himself, there’s a great quote here where he’s talking about Voldemort, and he says, “The Dark Lord […] almost always knows when somebody is lying to him. Only those skilled at Occlumency are able to shut down those feelings and memories that contradict the lie, and so utter falsehoods in his presence without detection.” So this, to me, is a massive reveal that’s just spoken in passing by Snape, because Snape is talking about himself.

Andrew and Eric: Yeah.

Andrew: Why is Snape teaching this lesson, Harry?

Micah: He just told you he can lie to Voldemort’s face and get away with it.

Eric: Yep.

Andrew: “This is why I’m good, yo.” I guess if Harry thought about this – which he clearly didn’t – but if Harry thought about this, maybe he was like, “Ooh, maybe he’s lying to Dumbledore. Oh my gosh. I figured it out.”

Eric: Ohh.

Andrew: Harry would have argued that he was using these skills against Dumbledore.

Eric: That’s a really good point.

Andrew: But yeah, this is a really big reveal, and it’s a shame that Harry doesn’t think on it at all.

Micah: I’m trying to remember if this really empowered the “Snape is good” camp when Order of the Phoenix was published.

Eric: Maybe or maybe not, because we know that Snape eventually does stop teaching Harry; he refuses to teach him after the umpteenth outburst. But it is a shame that the two of these were never meant to see eye to eye, right? Snape is there telling him “Empty your emotions,” and Harry, in return, glares at him. It just was never really meant to work out, unfortunately.

Micah: Right.

Eric: But it’s thrilling to see the master at work.

Micah: I’ve often wondered, too, if that was part of Dumbledore’s intention to try and at least calm the waters between these two and bring them into a setting where basically Snape is teaching Harry how to survive, and Harry just does not want to really hear any of it. He’s the typical angsty teenager here. But Snape also throws some more information Harry’s way, and it reminded me a lot of Hermione when he’s talking about Voldemort being really able to penetrate Hogwarts and get inside and be able to transport Harry from Hogwarts to the Ministry, and he says that, “The Dark Lord is at a considerable distance and the walls and grounds of Hogwarts are guarded by many ancient spells and charms to ensure the bodily and mental safety of those who dwell within them. Time and space matter in magic, Potter. Eye contact is often essential to Legilimency.” And this, just to me, speaks to Harry’s inattention to detail. This is why Snape comes up with remedial potions. It reminds me, like I said, of Hermione talking so often about how you can’t Apparate within Hogwarts.

Andrew: Well, that’s all fine, but Harry still did see through the snake, so he has reason to ask this question to Snape.

Micah: But I think Snape is telling him to be practical, and I know that’s hard, given what Harry has experienced. And again, he’s only 15 years old, but he’s saying, “Be a little bit more…”

Andrew: Nuanced.

Eric: Open-minded?

Micah: Yeah, exactly.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: I think reason, right? It’s about understanding what’s happening, and Harry just doesn’t want to pay attention to detail.

Eric: It is such a shame because Lupin, again, with a different teaching style, a slightly different approach… Harry is no less traumatized by having to see or hear his parents’ death when he sees and hears a Dementor, but he has the motivation to get better because he’s got Lupin, who genuinely cares about his past. And I guess with Harry, it’s all a violation to Harry when Snape is able to see even the dog chasing him up the tree. These are still memories that feel stolen. These are still moments that Snape really shouldn’t have access to. And I think Harry bristles at the very idea that something a little bit more private that he cares about, like him and Cho, would be seen so clearly by this spectator, by this person.

Micah: Yeah. It seems like Snape really likes Aunt Marge.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Micah: Or really likes Ripper. One of the two.

Andrew: That was kind of weird that Snape asked that.

Eric: Well, just… it shows what he’s seeing. It’s super clear. Like, “Oh my God, Snape saw a dog.”

Andrew: Yeah, but why does Snape care?

Eric: He just is making conversation. I think he’s being a good teacher in that moment. He’s like, “Yeah, I saw it all. I saw flashes of it. Who’s the dog?”

Andrew: “And who’s the girl?”

Micah: “Who’s the lady?” Yeah, that’s also another connecting the threads to Prisoner of Azkaban. So wanted to talk a little bit about what does Voldemort know about Harry at this point?

Eric: Yeah, it’s a good question because Snape tells Harry that up until now, Voldemort was unaware of this particular connection, but now I’m thinking the only way that this connection can exist, especially given that Voldemort was possessing Nagini, and Harry saw into his mind when he was possessing Nagini – Nagini, who is a known Horcrux of Voldemort’s – I have no choice but to believe that Voldemort should at this point know that Harry himself is a Horcrux. Unintended, maybe, but it’s the same magic at play here, and I think that it should be very obvious to Voldemort right now. What do you guys think?

Laura: I think Voldemort has too much hubris to believe in this, to believe that he unintentionally created a Horcrux.

Andrew: I agree with that. He couldn’t have made a mistake; there’s no way. And his plan has come together exactly as he intended. Harry is not a Horcrux.

Eric: But didn’t Voldemort…? I mean, talking about what J.K. Rowling has said afterwards, didn’t Voldemort go to Godric’s Hollow that night with the intention of killing this child that was prophesied and making a Horcrux out of him? He had already done the prep work of whatever that entails to make Harry a Horcrux, which is why, when it backfired and Harry ends up inadvertently becoming a Horcrux, why is anybody surprised by this? At least I think so.

Micah: Yeah. I mean, I tend to agree with what Laura said, because Voldemort continues to try and kill Harry. He doesn’t back off of it. And if that were the case, and he knew Harry was a Horcrux, he doesn’t need to go after him. He doesn’t need to touch him.

Eric: Right.

Micah: As long as Harry lives, he lives, so everything that happens in the Forbidden Forest in Deathly Hallows didn’t even need to happen, right? Why hit him with Avada Kedavra? It destroyed the Horcrux. So yeah, I just think right now, Voldemort is still very much in search of answers. He clearly is taking full advantage of the fact that they’re connected, but I don’t necessarily know if he realizes that they’re connected via this Horcrux. It may just be other magic, or could even be the prophecy, right? That’s why he’s after the prophecy in this book; he wants to better understand what Harry means to him.

Eric: Good point.

Andrew: You could say it was a flaw in the plan.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Eric: You could say that if it were Harry’s birthday right now, it would be the worst birthday.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: And Laura, you had a great point here about maybe Voldemort is just hoping to possess Harry.

Laura: Yeah, at this point in the story Harry even wonders this, like, “Am I the weapon?” But I could very much see Voldemort hoping to possess Harry in order to get him to… because he’s so trusted on the good side of things, in order to get him to participate in nefarious activities, similar to what he did to Ginny Weasley.

Andrew: If I was Voldemort, I would just be very excited by this connection to Harry, so I could always check in on what Harry is doing. Snape holding this lesson with Harry was still a huge risk.

Micah: Right.

Andrew: I don’t know if Voldemort would be very happy if he saw Snape teaching this, even if Voldemort thinks that Snape is secretly working against Dumbledore.

Micah: That’s a fair point too.

Laura: Yeah. I mean, having this connection is like picking up the phone and listening to somebody’s conversation.

Micah: [laughs] Andrew.

Andrew: Yeah, people who do that are definitely Dark Lords.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: Andrew the Dark Lord.

Andrew: Don’t say my name!

Micah: Don’t tweet me and ask me questions about that video game.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: We talked a little bit earlier, though, about how this is really the equivalent of putting a novice boxer in the ring against a pro, and what I don’t really think Snape or Dumbledore – particularly Dumbledore – considered was the effect this was going to have on Harry after each lesson, right?

Andrew: Yeah, his poor brain.

Micah: Think about what Lupin did. Lupin provided Harry with chocolate, right? Every time they had these lessons. Because it’s very similar to Prisoner of Azkaban, right? Harry would be drained after fighting the Dementor. He’s drained after this encounter with Snape, and Snape doesn’t do anything. Snape probably had could whip up a cocktail potion for him.

Eric: Oooh.

Micah: He’d be feeling really good afterwards, and he chooses not to. I wonder if Dumbledore instructed Snape to do this and Snape just chose not to.

Andrew: Yeah, I guess you could say that… oh, you’re saying Dumbledore instructed him to give him some sort of cocktail after?

Micah: A pick-me-up, yeah.

Eric: A potion for mental fortitude.

Andrew: Maybe, or Dumbledore could have said, “Don’t do that, and let Harry…”

Micah: “Let Harry suffer.”

Andrew: “… feel the effects of this so he’s more prepared.” I know, let Harry suffer. Let Harry suffer more. Snape should have at least given him a head massage. That could have been a little helpful.

Eric: [laughs] “Come here, Potter.”

Andrew: You know when you’re getting your hair cut and they wash your hair for you, and then they give you a head massage while they wash your hair? That’s what Snape should have done for Harry.

Laura: [laughs] Can you imagine walking in on that scene and being like, “Ooo-kay.”

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: But so I have a question here: Should Dumbledore have anticipated this and stated that Harry needed to spend the night in the hospital wing for observation, or something along those lines?

Micah: Yes.

Andrew: You have to think that if Dumbledore did stipulate something, Snape would have followed through with it. He wouldn’t not listen to Dumbledore, right?

Micah: That’s true.

Eric: Right, I think there’s a line there. But Dumbledore still thinks he can treat Harry like any other teenager and let him in the general population of other students, right? I mean, if Dumbledore ever tried to isolate Harry even further than he’s already isolated him by not talking with him, Harry would flip.

Andrew and Micah: Yeah.

Micah: Totally. I think that it’s just oversight on the part of Dumbledore. We see at the end of this chapter just how pale Harry is; it’s noted by all of his friends. He can’t even do his homework. He tries to get up to bed and passes out on the staircase. Again, think about something, some sort of physical activity that you do for the first time, and you get tasked with it three times over. Like I said, boxing; you get your head knocked off, and you’re not going to go and get proper treatment afterwards? It’s just really cruel. I put more of the blame on Dumbledore than I do on Snape, for not thinking through this particular situation. So we’re almost at the end of the chapter here; just a couple more things to touch on. Andrew, I think you had in here Snape asking Harry not to say Voldemort’s name. Why?

Andrew: Yeah, why? And Snape rubs his arm where his Dark Mark is, and I’m wondering, was Snape afraid that this was going to alert Voldemort to their meeting?

Micah: Possibly.

Andrew: He’d be able to check in on Harry and then see Snape and be like, “WTF?”

Micah: Yeah, that’s a great point.

Andrew: [imitating Voldemort] “What are you doing with Harry?!”

Laura: Giving him a scalp massage.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Just giving him a head massage. [laughs] Any ideas for why he rubbed his arm? Did it hurt to hear Voldemort’s name?

Eric: I think it does. I think that there might be a part of Snape that really actually hates being a Death Eater…

Andrew: Mm, that’s interesting.

Eric: … and Snape is very much, I think, not to overuse the word, but triggered, right? By Voldemort. And he also, when Harry asks, “Why not? Dumbledore says the name,” Snape is like, “But Dumbledore is, like, the best wizard that ever lived.”

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: “Because I love him! Because I made a deal with him! He can do whatever he wants.”

Eric: “You’re just a piss-ant 15-year-old. You can’t say his name.”

Andrew: Does Snape hate Harry’s courage?

Micah: That’s a great question.

Eric: That’s a good question. I think Snape hates everything that he sees that reminds him of James.

Micah: Right.

Eric: Courage probably included.

Andrew and Micah: Yeah.

Micah: I do think there’s a part of Snape that really dislikes Voldemort, particularly for what he did to Lily. And I also just think there’s this inherent fear amongst everyone in saying Voldemort’s name. It surprises me that Snape is one of those people. But yeah, I do think there’s something to the fact that you just raised, Andrew, about Harry having this courage that Snape… I also just think it’s like a kid thing in some way, right? Kids, a lot of times they just don’t have that same kind of fear. It just rolls off them. There’s a lack of understanding, and so the fear isn’t as real.

Andrew: I would agree with that, but obviously the kids in Hogwarts don’t like saying his name.

Micah: But they were raised that way. Harry wasn’t raised that way. Harry didn’t even know about Voldemort until his 11th birthday.

Eric: Right.

Laura: Yeah. I think also, Snape for a very long time was a legitimate Death Eater, and now he’s having to play the part of one. Death Eaters also don’t say Voldemort’s name; they call him the Dark Lord, and this could just be a conditioning thing on that side of the war as well.

Micah: Totally. The chapter wraps up in Harry having a full mental breakdown after his sessions with Snape, and Voldemort is extremely, extremely happy, and Harry’s scar is burning at a level that we probably haven’t seen before. It’s completely debilitating him. And I know we’re going to find out, probably in the next chapter, why Voldemort is so happy, but it’s very scary for Harry, and this is probably happening at this level because his defenses are so low because of everything he’s just been through, and he’s not sure how to respond to it.

Andrew: And because his defenses are so low, he’s laughing. He’s smiling, right?

Laura and Micah: Yeah.

Laura: Voldemort’s hysterical laughter is being emitted through Harry, and I really wish this was something we saw in the movie.

Andrew: Did Snape and Dumbledore anticipate this? I don’t think so.

Micah: Now, in the movie, it’s because of the mass breakout from Azkaban. Is that what’s coming in the book too?

Andrew: Yeah, literally the next chapter.

Eric: Yep, the very…

Micah: Got it. I didn’t read ahead, so…

Andrew: You should cheat and flip ahead from time to time. It can be helpful. [laughs]

Eric: But in terms of Harry being possessed, Laura, like what you said, I think they do enough of that towards the end of the Ministry, Harry looking very deathly sick.

Laura: Yeah, I just feel like this was such a good scene that really set that up, and in the movie it was sort of like, “Oh, Harry looks sick, and he’s talking but Voldemort’s voice is coming out of his mouth.”

Micah: Right.

Andrew: When you read that part about Harry just giving the Voldemort laugh, I think of that really awful smile that Voldemort gives during the Deathly Hallows movie. I would not want to see Harry grin and smile and laugh like that. That would freak me out.

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Micah: When he hugs Draco.

Andrew: Exactly.

Laura: Oh no. [laughs] “Well done, Draco.”

Andrew: So crazy.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: One other thing I wanted to call out – which is very small and unrelated to any of this – but when Harry gets back to the Gryffindor common room, the Weasley twins are at it again with what are to become Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes products, and Hermione notes the fact of how smart they must be to be able to get some of these things to work. And Fred actually… I forget what the name of it is; it’s some sort of invisibility hat, right? Does anybody remember?

Andrew: Yes. Well, that’s what it does.

Micah: Yeah, I just thought it was interesting that Fred is the one who’s demonstrating it and his head disappears, and we all know what happens to Fred in Deathly Hallows.

Laura: Aww.

Andrew: Another omen.

Micah: More foreshadowing on the part of J.K. Rowling.

Andrew: Does he get hit in the head in Deathly Hallows?

Micah: Well, no, he just makes his head disappear.

Andrew: No, no, I mean…

Micah: Oh, no, I mean, I don’t know exactly what happens to him. We just know that he’s killed.

Eric: They’re called Headless Hats.

Micah: Headless Hats, there you go. But anyway, that wraps up the chapter, and it was a pretty intense one.

Andrew: Yeah, for sure.

Micah: A lot of stuff happening.

Andrew: And there’s other elements I’d like to talk about later on. This doesn’t really relate to Occlumency exactly, but Snape removing those memories from his head. Can he no longer think about them when you remove them? I wonder about things like that. I was wondering while reading this chapter, but we could talk about that later. Before we check in on the Umbridge Suck count, I want to tell you about our second sponsor this week.

[Ad break]

Andrew: It’s time for the Umbridge Suck count.

Micah: First one up is giving the students a ream of homework when they get back to Hogwarts. Come on, Professor. Let them ease into the new term.

Eric: Yeah. It’s the only time Umbridge is mentioned in this chapter, is she she gave them a ream of homework.

Laura: Ehh…

Andrew: Laura, you disagree?

Laura: No, I think that’s actually not a great practice for the beginning of a term.

Andrew: Oh.

Eric: So you agree she sucks for it.

Laura: Yes, I do agree.

Andrew: Okay.

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Eric: Okay, so what’s the wisdom behind not…? Because I think where Umbridge… or any teacher, because I’ve had teachers that do this, too; they want you to be like, “Okay, your break is over. Bring your mind back.” And they give you a huge assignment to re-fire all the neurons. You’re saying that’s not a good practice?

Laura: I never agreed when I was teaching. Not to say that you shouldn’t give people homework, but you can ease people in.

Micah: Yeah. Look, there are levels of sucking, right?

[Eric laughs]

Micah: I mean, we can’t be discriminatory here. You can suck for giving a lot of homework, and you can suck for Educational Decrees and for physically abusing people, right? All which Umbridge does. I mean, it’s just a matter of perspective, but I think they’re all reasons for her to suck.

Laura: Agreed.

Andrew: How about this other one?

Laura: I said for causing Harry to have to say he’s taking remedial potions. He has to say this just so that she will not catch on to what he’s doing.

Andrew: And now he’s the laughing stock of the school!

Laura: Yep.

Andrew: He sucks so much at potions, he’s got to take extra potion lessons.

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Micah: Who was it? Ernie Macmillan, who was an ass-hat to him? Or Justin?

Laura: Oh, I thought it was Zacharias.

Micah: Oh, him too. Yeah.

Eric: Zacharias Smith, yeah.

Micah: All those Hufflepuffs.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: Yeah, y’all are supposed to be nice. What happened?

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Well, you rub a… they’ll cut you if you cross them.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: You poke a badger.

Eric: Yeah, like the honey badger.

Laura: And it’ll cut you?

Eric: Yeah. Cross a badger, it’ll cut you.

Micah: Like a Tiger King.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: I don’t know.

Laura: Almost made it a full episode. Almost did it. [laughs]


Connecting the Threads


Laura: All right, now it’s time for Connecting the Threads. I wanted to kick this off with a thread that is not specific to this chapter, but just something that is a generic connection between Prisoner of Azkaban and Order of the Phoenix that I just noticed when I was paging through the end of Prisoner of Azkaban while preparing for this. After Buckbeak escapes and Sirius also escapes, Percy Weasley is outraged, and he’s in the Great Hall telling his girlfriend, Penelope Clearwater, “If I manage to get into the Ministry, I’ll have a lot of proposals to make about Magical Law Enforcement!” And we see in this book, and even more so in the next book, that he is living up to these earlier promises. So actually, this is another example of why we shouldn’t really be surprised about Percy ending up where he’s ended up. This foreshadowing has been going on for quite a while.

Micah: Wow.

Laura: Then of course, there are a lot of connections to make with the Knight Bus, and we’ll start with Madam Marsh. So we know in Order of the Phoenix they let her off before dropping the trio and the rest of the Weasley siblings at Hogwarts because Madam Marsh was sick; she just wasn’t feeling her best. Well, she was actually in Prisoner of Azkaban as well. Ern says, “Best go wake up Madam Marsh, Stan. We’ll be in Abergavenny in a minute.” So she apparently rides the Knight Bus a lot.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: Frequent user. Give me more bumps. Give me more sudden stops.

Laura: But also, I’m like, if it’s emergency transport for the stranded or lost wizard, what’s she doing?

Andrew: Yeah, right. [laughs]

Micah: She just likes… she’s a regular… well, I guess that’s true, then. She’s not technically a commuter, right? Unless she’s taking it to work every day or something.

Laura: Yeah, but I looked up Abergavenny – and I hope I’m saying this correctly – it’s in Wales.

Andrew: Huh.

Laura: So that’s quite a commute.

Micah: You’re just saying she’s a freeloader, huh?

Laura: [laughs] She’s paying her 11 Sickles just like everyone else, presumably.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: And then we have this nice little connection with Stan and his acceptance of what the Daily Prophet publishes. So in Prisoner of Azkaban, he’s talking about Sirius Black and saying, “‘Cos he’s mad, inee, Ern? Inee mad?” And then in Order of the Phoenix, talking about Harry and how Harry has been portrayed in the Daily Prophet, he says, “I said to Ern, I said, ‘e didn’t seem like a nutter when we met ‘im, just goes to show, dunnit?'” And I thought this was a really interesting comparison between the ways that Harry and Sirius are perceived in the wizarding world between these two books. Then Sirius has these secret gifts that he’s giving Harry. In Prisoner of Azkaban it’s the Firebolt, and in Order of the Phoenix, it’s the two-way mirror, both of which… well, both of which would come in handy, were they both used.

Andrew and Micah: Yeah.

Andrew: I made my own Firebolt as a kid. I used to love the Firebolt.

Micah: Did you?

Andrew: Like a class project? I don’t know what the prompt was but I decided to make a Firebolt for that assignment, and I spray painted it gold, and I had a carrying case for it. It rocked.

Eric: Oh, man.

Andrew: Yeah, I wish I still had that.

Laura: Did you run around with it? Did you ride it?

Andrew: Of course I did. Yeah, and I made it vibrate. It did everything.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: You still do.

[Andrew laughs]


MVP of the Week


Andrew: All right, time for MVP of the Week.

[MVP of the Week music plays]

Andrew: I’m going to give mine to Sirius for that two-way mirror Laura just mentioned, since it comes in handy later.

Eric: I’m going to give mine to Snape for telling Harry amazingly useful things, if only he’d listen to them all.

Micah: Mine goes to Mr. Weasley for effectively breaking up that skirmish between Sirius and Snape.

Laura: Mine goes to Hermione for naturally filling a role that Dumbledore and Snape should have foreseen a need for, by asking Ron to go and check on Harry after he goes up to his dormitory.


Rename the Chapter


Andrew: And now let’s rename the chapter. Order of the Phoenix Chapter 24, “Relax, [censored]!”

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Eric: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 24, “I’m a Legilimens, Not a Mind-Reader!”

Micah: Well, that sets up mine. Order of the Phoenix Chapter 24, “You Read My Mind.”

Eric: Aww.

Laura: And mine is Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 24, “Worst Meditation Class Ever.”

Andrew: If you have any feedback about today’s discussion or you have a question about Chapter 25, send it on in to MuggleCast@gmail.com, or use the contact form on MuggleCast.com. You can also record a voice memo and send that to MuggleCast@gmail.com. By the way, we’re not done discussing this chapter yet. In bonus MuggleCast today, which is available over at Patreon.com/MuggleCast, we will discuss why Occlumency, why Legilimency, is not mind reading. Right, Eric?

Eric: That’s right; we’re going even deeper in depth into what Snape is talking about. Other examples that we’ve seen, whether Dumbledore, Voldemort are reading minds… all that stuff. Deep dive over in bonus MuggleCast.

Andrew: And J.K. Rowling actually addressed why what Queenie is doing is different than what Snape was saying is not possible. We’ll try to parse that and figure out what that tweet really meant from J.K. Rowling a few years ago.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Eric: Cool.


Quizzitch


Andrew: It’s time for Quizzitch.

[Quizzitch music plays]

Eric: Last week’s question: Who teases Harry first about taking remedial potions? The answer was, of course – who else? – that Hufflepuff, Zacharias Smith. Ugh. Anyway, correct answers were submitted by Caleb, Samwise Potter Skywalker, Sara a.k.a. Weensie; Megos, Stacy, Count Ravioli, William Walton, and Jenny Beez.

Laura: Always good to see Count Ravioli there.

Eric: Always good. [laughs] Next week’s question: What does Hagrid instruct Harry to put on the salamanders of Hogwarts? Send in your answers to us over on Twitter at MuggleCast, hashtag Quizzitch.

Andrew: Another salamander appearance. J.K. Rowling loves those salamanders. All right, thank you, everybody, for listening to today’s episode. Don’t forget to follow us on social media; we are MuggleCast on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. By following us, you will stay up to date on the latest developments concerning MuggleCast, and you’ll probably be one of the first to hear about our next round of Quizzitch Live. So again, that’s username MuggleCast on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. And again, we would love your support on Patreon, Patreon.com/MuggleCast. We really appreciate your support; it keeps the show running, rocking, and rolling, and we’re able to invest in really cool things, like this whole trivia system that we have for Quizzitch Live. So thank you, thank you, thank you to everybody who is pledging. And you get lots of benefits like bonus MuggleCast. You’ll be able to sit in on our recordings; we livestream every episode as we are recording it, and you can tune in on Saturday or Sunday morning. And you will get a personalized “Thank you” message from one of the four MuggleCasters. All right, thank you, everybody, for listening. I’m Andrew.

Eric: I’m Eric.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: And I’m Laura. See ya.

Andrew and Micah: Bye.

Transcript #460

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #460, Loony Lockhart (OOTP 23, Christmas on the Closed Ward)


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into the wizarding world. I’m J… [laughs] Oh my God, I almost said J.K. Rowling.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah Tannenbaum: I thought you were going to say Joe Exotic.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura Tee: Just do it. Just lean in to it.

Andrew: [in an English accent] I am J.K. Rowling. [back to normal voice] I’m Andrew. Sims.

Eric Scull: I’m Eric.

Andrew: I forget this whole intro.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Yeah, pretty sure I’m Eric. I’m not sure. That’s subject to change.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: We’re going to start today’s episode with an exciting announcement. We had a live version of Quizzitch a couple weeks ago, and we’re going to do it again this week, this Thursday, April 9. Our stream will start at 7:15 p.m. eastern, and the game itself will begin at 7:30 p.m. eastern. It’s going to be a lot of fun. This round of Quizzitch Live will be all fandom-based. I’m calling it Quizzitch Live: The Fandom of Secrets.

Eric: Oooh.

Andrew: Get it?

Micah: That’s well done. I like that.

Andrew: Oh, thank you so much. Laura and I are developing the questions now; it’s been a lot of fun.

Laura: Yeah, so I feel like I’ve kind of taken a time machine back through all of the major happenings in the fandom. It’s been a nice little walk down memory lane.

Andrew: Yeah!

Micah: “In what hotel did Laura leave her pants?”

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Not sure that’ll be a question.

Micah: Oh.

Andrew: It will be mainly broader Harry Potter fandom questions. It’s going to be a nice trip down memory lane, and I’m sure in between the questions we’ll be reminiscing about the good old days, so hopefully that warms everyone up.

Micah: I will say, Andrew, that whole Quizzitch Live was so much fun. Almost two weeks ago at this point; I feel like all the days just blend together now. But I really think that people enjoyed it. It was a nice escape for them, but also for us.

Andrew: Yeah, for sure.

Micah: And how are you faring with Laura coming up with these questions? Because I know we talked about this during our hangout, but the questions themselves aren’t necessarily what’s challenging to come up with; it’s the other three choices that you need to try and trick people with.

Andrew: Right. I think it’s all fun, coming up with the questions and the answers. I don’t think it’s too difficult. Maybe I’m just a better quiz writer, Micah, than you are. I don’t know.

Micah: You could be.

Laura: [laughs] Ouch.

Micah: Is Fudge going to join us this week?

Andrew: Yes, yes, Fudge will be here.

Eric: Yay.

Andrew: Fudge is booked. So again, this is this Thursday, April 9. You might need two devices to get the full experience, because you’ll need one window open to play the quiz and another to tune into our livestream. If you only have access to one device, one mobile device, you probably will just need to stick with playing the game itself, but you can always watch our stream after the fact. Anyway, that’s going to be a lot of fun, so join us this Thursday.

Micah: Are they just fandom questions, or will you throw in a book question, movie question…?

Andrew: There will be questions… it’s not going to be the same type of quiz as last time. It’s not going to be questions about the plot, I don’t think, unless we’re referencing maybe a J.K. Rowling interview in which she said something about a plot point, like, “Where did J.K. Rowling reveal that Dumbledore is gay?” Maybe something like that.

Eric: Right, right. How best can people study for this?

Andrew: Um…

Laura: Google.

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Andrew: Go to Archive.org, type in MuggleNet.com in the Wayback Machine, and start browsing 15 years of news stories. [laughs]

Eric: Okay! All right.

Andrew: I’m not saying that’s how I’m getting my questions, but that’s how… that would be probably the only way…

Micah: But that’s how you’re getting your questions.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: No, it’s truly not. It’s seriously not. I’m just sitting here and reflecting on the old days and coming up with things. [laughs]

Eric: That seems easy enough.

Laura: Yeah, that’s what I’m doing.

Micah: This is cool. I’m looking forward to this. I might play.

Andrew: Mm… I don’t know, I feel like that’s a conflict of interest.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: Oh, is it?

Andrew: I mean, you could play along as you’re cohosting, I guess.

Micah: Yeah, but just don’t have the Excel document with the answers, and it opened probably is not a good idea.

Andrew: Right as you’re playing, yeah. So anyway, Quizzitch Live: The Fandom of Secrets, this Thursday, April 9. Stream starts at 7:15 p.m. eastern, and the game will begin at 7:30 p.m. eastern. This is free for everybody; you do not have to be a patron. This will be open to the public, so we hope to see you there.

Eric: Directly following TigerCast Live.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: We’re all into Tiger King.


Personality Quiz


Andrew: J.K. Rowling has been back on Twitter, as we’ve touched on a couple of times, and she shared this personality quiz that she took over at OpenPsychometrics.org/Tests/Characters and she shared her results. And it’s really interesting because this quiz tells you which fictional characters you are most like. And we all took this quiz ourselves, since J.K. Rowling took it, and we saw a lot of our friends taking it as well, and what’s cool is that you can actually drill down and only see the Harry Potter characters that you match with. And this test is asking questions like “Are you more indulgent or sober? Cheery or sorrowful? Playful or serious?” And there’s 28 of these questions, and you just bring the slider left or right and you select which you are closer to. Let’s talk about our results. What do you all get?

Eric: Well, I mean, I think it’s important to say that J.K. Rowling got 81% Albus Dumbledore.

Andrew: Oh, yes.

Eric: Which I find hilarious because Dumbledore is very much the vessel by which she communicates directly to the readers in the Harry Potter books.

Andrew: Right.

Eric: More so than any other one character.

Micah: Do you think, though, that that was her highest percentage overall, or that was just for Harry Potter? Because when I took the quiz, my highest percentage was not a Harry Potter character.

Eric and Laura: Same.

Micah: And I thought I was going to have to do the quiz over. I was like, “Oh, crap. I clicked the wrong link or I missed the dropdown.”

[Eric laughs]

Micah: But then I saw you can select from all these different series, so I wonder if Dumbledore really was her highest percentage character.

Andrew: Well, what was your highest percentage? Because she got 81%; my highest was 77.

Micah: Oooh.

Eric: Yeah, mine was 84.

Micah: Okay. My highest percentage, it was 87%; it was Leonard from The Big Bang Theory.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: That is awesome.

Laura: My highest percentage… I was 82% Lady Edith Crawley from Downton Abbey.

Micah: Nice.

Andrew: Oh my gosh! Do you watch that show?

Laura: No, so I have no idea what that means. [laughs]

Andrew: Oh my gosh, you hid that you had a baby. Wow, I didn’t know that.

Laura: Oh. Yeah, that’s fair.

Micah: That’s part of the pants story that we just didn’t continue.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Oh, God.

Laura: I would love to know how that fits into that story.

Eric: My highest percentage is 89, actually.

Micah: Wow.

Eric: Yeah. Hoban Washburn, “Wash,” from Firefly.

Andrew: Okay.

Eric: Followed closely by Kaylee Frye, Kaylee from Firefly. But my top Harry Potter character – next to Hurley from Lost – George Weasley, and then Arthur Weasley.

Andrew: Oh, okay.

Eric: So two of the more…

Micah: It gives you two?

Eric: Well, George is 84% and Arthur is 83%, and then Tonks is also 83%.

Andrew: So my top, at 77%, was a Harry Potter character. It was Tonks.

Eric: There you go!

Laura: Aww.

Andrew: Which kind of surprised me.

Eric: That’s cool. You should just go around now saying “Wotcher” to all of us.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: That actually makes sense to me.

Andrew: Does it? Does it? I didn’t really expect it. I feel like I don’t know Tonks well enough, but now I want to study her more and see these connections that this quiz made. And then George Weasley, Rita Skeeter…

Laura: Oh!

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: A journalist.

Andrew: Ouch.

Eric: They got you nailed, dude.

Andrew: Right, but there was no journalism questions.

Eric: [laughs] Not directly.

Andrew: Then Sirius, and Harry Potter.

Eric: Oh, yeah. Cool.

Laura: So my number one Harry Potter character was – and I have very mixed feelings about this – Cho Chang.

Micah: Nice.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Laura: What does that mean?

Eric: Ravenclaw.

Laura: And then I got Filius Flitwick, Fleur Delacour, Albus Dumbledore, and Hermione Granger.

Andrew: Yeah, Dumbledore should definitely be up there for you.

Laura: What, because I’m a psycho?

Andrew: No, because you’re wise!

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: You’re wise and well-spoken and calm. Dumbledore is… I only match 50% with him, which, I guess I can take that.

Eric: Yeah, it’s the good half. It’s the gay half.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: I was just going to say, yeah, we matched on our gayness and nothing else.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Well, Andrew, I match 69% with Albus Dumbledore, so take that for what you will.

Eric: Nice.

Andrew: Oh, nice. Nice.

Eric: You know who else matched 69%? This Lord Voldemort fan account – another one, Lorde with an E Voldemort – tweeted J.K. Rowling that he got 69% Harry Potter, so I thought that was hilarious.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Micah: Yeah, well, that’s almost 70% Horcrux, isn’t it?

Eric: Yeah. J.K. Rowling is really interacting with these fan accounts lately. It’s pretty interesting to see.

Micah: So on my end, I was actually surprised, too. Laura, you mentioned him, but my highest match, 86%, was Professor Flitwick.

Eric: Nice!

Laura: Oh, there we go. Ravenclaws in the house.

Micah: Followed by Cho Chang.

Laura: Ohh! Are we the same person, Micah?

Micah: I think we are.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: Then Hermione Granger, Minerva McGonagall, and Albus Dumbledore.

Eric: All good company.

Micah: With Slughorn actually not that far behind Dumbledore. But I was actually most impressed by the Game of Thrones one, which was Samwell Tarly. I felt that was a nice…

Laura: Hey, that was my number one for Game of Thrones too!

Micah: Oh, boy.

Laura: Oh my God.

Andrew: You two are the same person.

Laura: I know! My mind is exploding right now.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Micah: But I find it interesting; isn’t Flitwick Head of Ravenclaw House?

Laura: Yeah.

Micah: So we’re both Ravenclaws. I think this just proves it.

Andrew: So you can take this quiz for yourself. It’s a lot of fun; it’s like a Buzzfeed quiz on steroids. We’ll have a link in our show notes.


News


Andrew: Speaking of J.K. Rowling, she launched Harry Potter at Home. Did we talk about this last week? I guess not.

Eric: Yeah, we mentioned the launch, but there was nothing other than the audiobook, I think.

Micah: No.

Andrew: Oh, that’s it. Okay.

Micah: It launched during the week. We mentioned it during one of our coffee chat hangouts.

Eric: Okay.

Andrew: Right, and these weeks are eternities now.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: So yeah, HarryPotterAtHome.com. Nothing to excite us very much. This is more for people who might be reading Harry Potter with their kids for the first time; there’s some introductions to the books and the characters, kind of like reading companions. So it’s nice to see that she’s doing this, but not really of interest to us, not something we could use. Of note, though, Stephen Fry’s reading of Philosopher’s Stone is available for free on Audible and elsewhere, so if you’re looking for an audiobook, you can listen to Stephen Fry’s reading of the first one for free. Eric said they should have named it HarryPottersHouse.com.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: That’s nice, Eric. My old fan site. They could have because…

Micah: Do you still own that?

Andrew: No, and Warner Bros. does now, so they actually could have done that if they wanted to.

Eric: Oh, man.

Micah: Oh. They took it from you?

Andrew: Yeah, they stole it from a teenager.

Micah: Did they pay you?

Andrew: No, of course not.

Micah: Oh, that is just…

Eric: Andrew is sitting on a healthy sum.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: Yeah, instead of Harry Potter at Home, Harry Potter’s House! Just be like, “Yeah, come on over to…” But I guess people shouldn’t go out, so it sends the wrong message.

Andrew: When 11-year-old me was buying that domain name, I just had a feeling that one day they would need a domain name like that, and yes, I did sell it to them for $2 million.

Micah: Wow. That’s how you’re living in that luxury condo in Chicago.

Andrew: Luxury condo. [laughs]

Micah: But it’s funny because during the week, I had a coworker who Slacked me that J.K. Rowling had just announced Harry Potter at Home, and said that she stole the idea from me because we actually at work launched a series called Junior NBA at Home, which is at-home basketball drills and exercises that kids can do.

Andrew: Nice.

Micah: And so clearly she is needing to offer some royalties, I think, for this idea.

Andrew: [sighs] Okay, all right, the NBA started everybody staying at home. J.K. Rowling stole from the NBA. I get it, Micah.

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Micah: No, but I wonder how long this was in development and how quickly they fast-tracked it, because this seems like something that they probably would have eventually rolled out anyway, so I think maybe their hand got forced a little bit by everything that’s been going on.

Andrew: Maybe, yeah.

Micah: Because it doesn’t seem all that complete to me.

Andrew: Well, yeah, so that would tell you that maybe they kind of rushed it, but rightfully so. I mean, just create something quick with some resources for people who are reading Harry Potter for the first time.

Micah: Yeah, I think it’s great. I know there’s some games and puzzles in addition to the Stephen Fry Sorcerer’s Stone, so it is actually really cool for kids.

Andrew: Of interest to all of us, the Beedle the Bard audiobook is now available. We mentioned this previously; it features Evanna Lynch, Jude Law, Warwick Davis, Bonnie Wright, and other actors. Eric, I think you’re the only one who’s listened to it, right?

Eric: Yeah, it’s 94 minutes. It just came out the other day; it’s a really quick read. As you know, the Beedle the Bard book was not that large, but it’s really well done. Of note is that there’s sound effects that go along with every story, so you’ve got these all-star casts reading the stories, but then you also have just extra little sound effects that put you in the world of each of the characters of each of Beedle the Bard’s stories. And then also just the way they’ve switched off between various actors, like for instance, Jude Law as Dumbledore – whose, Dumbledore’s notes are all throughout the book – comes back at the end of every chapter or at the end of every story to talk, and it switches between his notes and whenever J.K. Rowling… I had forgotten J.K. Rowling actually directly addresses people. That’s read by Sally Mortimer, who played, as we found out, Madam Pince in the Harry Potter films. She didn’t really get any lines or anything in the Harry Potter films. I now want, listening to this, a Madam Pince miniseries. I think it would be great.

Andrew: [laughs] Okay.

Micah: What kind of miniseries? What are you looking for?

Eric: Just hanging out in the library doing administrative stuff, helping students out. It just… she seems like a nice woman.

Micah: Sounds…

Andrew: Sounds really boring.

Micah: … exciting, yeah.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: You’ve got to spice it up; some restricted section activity or…

Eric: Eh, yeah, maybe.

Andrew: The Tales of Beedle the Bard audiobook is now available on Audible, so please check that out. And finally, just wanted to mention – Eric caught this – that the Lego Harry Potter collection on PlayStation 4 is only $6 right now.

Laura: Wow.

Andrew: Super cheap.

Eric: Yeah, we’re talking mega cheap. This is not only Years 1-4, but Years 5-7 as well. Both LEGO games.

Andrew: Yeah, they’ve done this recently; they combined both games into one. It’s also available for Nintendo Switch and Xbox, but I looked at Switch and they still list it for $20, so I think PlayStation is doing a special deal. Yeah, $6 is very well worth it. Micah and Eric – and maybe you, too, Laura – are obsessed with that Lego Harry Potter game.

Laura: Actually, I’ve got the LEGO games for… I’ve got the Marvel and Star Wars ones, but I don’t have the Harry Potter ones, which I’m going to be downloading as soon as we finish this episode.

Andrew: This is your chance.

Eric: Laura, this is your time. I would go so far as to say this is deal of the decade, seriously. So if the decade is ending… it’s just hours of entertainment. We’re talking at least 60 to 100 hours you could lose in this game while quarantined.

Andrew: For only $6!

Eric: Yep.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: So this is available through April 14, so get on that. I was wondering, is the panel doing anything Harry Potter-related during quarantine?

Laura: So I got a couple of Harry Potter Legos sets for Christmas, and I’m going to build the one that I haven’t done yet. It’s Hagrid’s Hut.

Andrew: Nice.

Laura: So I’ll do that, and I’ll add it. So I’ve got two sections of Hogwarts Castle, plus the Knight Bus and Hagrid’s Hut that will be joining them.

Micah: That’s really cool.

Laura: So yeah, looking forward to that.

Andrew: Yeah, that’s great. Post a picture on our Instagram so we could see your work when you’re finished.

Laura: I shall.

Andrew: Yeah. I really want to do a Lego Harry Potter set now, but they’re all sold out everywhere online. I would… I’m ready to do that giant castle. That’s what I want to do.

Eric: Oooh, yeah.

Micah: And where’s it going to go, though, once you’re done?

Andrew: Well, you said I have a fancy condo, so I guess I can find a place.

Micah: That’s true. It’s going to get its own room, right?

Andrew: You are such…

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: It’s a two-bedroom condo. People are probably thinking I have a mansion; I don’t. I’ve played Harry Potter Wizard’s Chess a couple times with Pat during quarantine. They have a chess set that looks like it’s straight out of Sorcerer’s Stone, obviously not the gigantic pieces. And that’s cute if you like chess, so I recommend that. Probably not as difficult to buy.

Micah: Is Pat okay? Because clearly if you’re on the show, you’ve been winning Wizard’s Chess.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: “Knight to E5!” I do like shouting them out like I’m Ron in the movie.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: I do have several Harry Potter puzzles unopened from the New York Puzzle Company, so I think I’ll be jumping in there within the next day or so. There’s one that’s 1,000 pieces; it’s called “The Flying Keys.” I’m not looking forward to that one.

Eric: Ohh.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: Those puzzles, some of them are really difficult just because if there’s not a whole lot that’s happening in the scene, the way that Mary Grand-PrĂ© drew a lot of these scenes, they’re really dark color palettes, so you don’t know what fits together.

Andrew and Eric: Yeah.

Andrew: Speaking of sold out, just looking at New York Puzzle Company’s website, all these puzzles are also sold out. And a lot of people have been playing puzzles to pass the time; puzzle sales are through the roof right now, no joke.

Micah: And just one other thing, going back to Lego Harry Potter: We did talk with Arthur Parsons, who had a lot to do in the development of that game – huge Harry Potter fan – on Episode 243.

Eric: Nice.

Micah: And that’s on our Wall of Fame. I know we’re always talking about older episodes; the Wall of Fame is a great place to go for new listeners – or even listeners who have been with us for a while – to check out some of the episodes that we consider to be standout.

Eric: Yeah, that’s a good quarantine suggestion. And if anybody’s still on the fence about this Lego Harry Potter, because he talks to us… I think it was to me…

Micah: It was to you, yeah.

Eric: … about how you can play as pretty much any character you can dream of from the Harry Potter series. There’s hundreds of playable characters, including Fang, including Scabbers, ones you wouldn’t expect in that game.

Andrew: Fun.


Listener Feedback


Andrew: All right, it’s time for some Muggle Mail now. We got a couple of voicemails.

[Voicemail plays]

“Hey MuggleCast, this is Roshni. I’m calling about your latest discussion and what you guys were talking about with Moody and how what he said about Harry was really sort of unkind and hard for Harry to hear, and I think we forget sometimes that this Moody doesn’t actually know Harry very well. The Moody that Harry got to know was actually Barty Crouch, and so if you think about the real Alastor Moody’s interactions with Harry, they’re very limited, so in a way it makes sense that he has a less affectionate opinion of Harry than the others in the room do. Of course, that does not excuse the others of not saying anything in response to him, but it does explain why Moody would say something like that. Anyways, just wanted to point that out. Thanks.”

[Voicemail ends]

Andrew: Thank you, Roshni, who I believe is also listening live right now.

Laura: Yep, totally right.

Andrew: Yeah, that’s a great point. I would have loved a scene where they just sat down and caught up.

Eric: Yeah, like, “So who are you? Who is Mad-Eye? Why is Mad-Eye?”

Andrew: “And get a load of the fake you. Can you believe all these things he did last year, and I fell for it all?”

[Eric laughs]

Micah: What’s so interesting about that, though, is there is a level of kindness to Barty Crouch, Jr. that we see that we don’t necessarily see in Mad-Eye.

Eric: He’s a good guy.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: Despite the whole Azkaban thing.

Eric: Yeah, all that whole… what he did with Neville’s parents.

Micah: And his own mother.

Laura: But he does admittedly do a really good job in Goblet of Fire of building a rapport and building trust with Harry.

Andrew: Right.

Laura: So I think Roshni is totally right here.

Eric: It is funny because talking about how regular Alastor is not Barty Crouch, he’s also not the guy who recommended Harry become an Auror. I wonder what real Moody’s opinion on whether Harry would make a good Auror. He’d probably take one look at Harry’s grades and go, “No, you absolutely cannot be a good… you could never be an Auror.” [laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, good point.

Micah: Mad-Eye is just, though, all business, as far as I’m concerned. I don’t really think he’s there to get to know people; he’s all about just the mission at hand. That’s kind of how he strikes me, and I think Harry gets close enough to other characters anyway. It’s just probably a bit disappointing to hear somebody who he thought to be friendly talking about him this way, but that’s what you get for spying on adult conversations.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: True.

Eric: All adults secretly hate you.

Micah: I mean, Andrew, didn’t that happen to you one time when you pulled out the Extendable Ears in front of your parents talking with your friends’ parents? And they were like, “We all knew that kid Andrew was bad news.”

Andrew: Yeah. Well, I don’t think my parents called me bad news…

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: … but parents, of course, talk behind your back, and they worry about you, and they say things they wouldn’t say in front of you because they don’t want to hurt you. I’ve definitely spied on my parents before. We all did as kids. It was fun. It’s what you did.

Micah: Right.

Laura: Not to the extent that you did, Andrew.

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: How do you know how much I spied on my parents?

Laura: Because you’ve talked about this.

Eric: You did talk about it. [laughs] Picking up the phone, listening in on phone calls.

Andrew: Oh, right. Good thing my parents don’t listen to this; I don’t think I want them to know all that.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: They did join Quizzitch, didn’t they? Or they joined something that we were doing last week.

Andrew: They did, yes. So during our next Quizzitch Live, please do not share that information. Thank you. Here’s our next voicemail from Katie.

[Voicemail plays]

“Hi, MuggleCast. This is Katie. I just wanted to call in with a crackpot theory on the last chapter. So in the last chapter, Harry makes eye contact with Dumbledore and he has this very strong feeling of wanting to attack Dumbledore, and it’s almost like he wants to bite him. And so I know that we understand that to mean that since Harry is connected to Voldemort as a Horcrux, Voldemort hates Dumbledore and wants to attack him, but I thought it was a little weird that Voldemort would want to bite or have the snake-like reaction to Dumbledore. I know that Voldemort spent a good deal of time as a snake, but it just still seemed odd to me. So what I was considering was perhaps Harry was actually still connected to Nagini since she is also a Horcrux, and maybe Nagini saw through Harry’s eyes and saw Dumbledore and wanted to attack him. So thus far, we haven’t really seen why Nagini would hate Dumbledore, but the fact that she teams up with Voldemort suggests that she may actually dislike him, and I thought that we might actually see that in Fantastic Beasts. If Dumbledore has to, for some reason, take down Credence, who Nagini seems to love or care for, maybe that turns Nagini against Dumbledore and eventually leads to her teaming up with Voldemort. Just wanted to hear what you guys think, and thank you for all that you do. Bye.”

[Voicemail ends]

Andrew: I love this. I love this so much.

Eric: Love this theory.

Andrew: I want to send this to J.K. Rowling and have her implement this.

Micah: Yep.

Andrew: I want Nagini and Dumbledore to have a tussle in Fantastic Beasts so it kind of connects to what we just discussed in last week’s episode.

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Eric: I think this is a great idea, and it might not even be that Dumbledore harms Credence, but it might be that she looks to Dumbledore to save her from her affliction, and he either chooses not to or can’t. She might blame him for the fact that she eventually succumbs to being a Maledictus overall.

Laura: Yeah, and I think there’s also going to be an element here of her not having a choice.

Eric: Right.

Laura: I don’t see Voldemort being like, “Hey, if you want to team up, join forces, just let me know.” I could see him being like, “No, you’re mine now.”

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Eric: Well, also, as a snake, if you are forced to no longer be human, really, the only person that would make you feel human is someone who can talk to snakes, a Parselmouth. So it might be that her association with Voldemort is based solely on wanting to feel something, anything human again.

Micah: It’s a great connecting to threads, though, here by Katie, between Harry Potter and Fantastic Beasts.

Laura: Yep.

Micah: I think we’re going to get more of this as we go through and analyze the series. I don’t know, again, how much J.K. Rowling was thinking about Fantastic Beasts and who Nagini really and truly was when she was writing Order of the Phoenix, but I think it’s fun for us to theorize, especially now that we have so much more information on her, and at least the nugget that J.K. Rowling had always known that Nagini was human at some point. I also just want to throw out there I think it’s Harry just being really pissed off.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: Maybe it’s just transference, and the fact that he just had a dream where he was a snake and that’s just fresh in his mind. And let’s not forget, he is super pissed at Dumbledore too; Horcruxes aside, he’s not very happy with him. So I think we’ve all experienced something similar, where we’ve gotten angry with people and we want to hit them or do something along those lines, and I feel like that’s what Harry is doing in this moment.

Andrew: I agree. It does make sense, and it checks out, but I think this theory also checks out, and it would just be such a cool tie-in to the Fantastic Beasts series that now I want that to happen. By the way, Eric, bad news about Madam Pince: Apparently she’s really mean in Hogwarts Mystery, says JY and Roshni. So I don’t know if we want to… well, maybe we do need to redeem her in your spinoff series that you’re thinking about.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Yeah, yeah, redemptive arc. That’d be great.

Andrew: [laughs] A redemptive arc.

Micah: Her and the trolley lady.

Andrew: [laughs] No, I like the trolley lady in Cursed Child. Keep her that way.

Eric: Me too, me too.

Andrew: One more piece of feedback regarding last week’s episode. This is from Kamie. “Embedded spines are akin to quills, like a porcupine. Also, why is there no maternity ward at St. Mungo’s?” Good question.

Eric: I think childbirth is probably a lot easier for wizards and witches. It’s just a simple Expulso Charm when the time is ripe.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: And no beds, no hospitals necessary.

Andrew: Expulso Charm. To be clear, this just creates an explosion. What about Accio? “Accio baby” when it’s time.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: That sounds messy.

Andrew: [laughs] “Get ready! Accio baby!” And finally, this is from Bella.

“This is Bella from Australia. I am probably one of your youngest listeners. I am 12 and I am writing in today for homework. I am not going to school at the moment because of COVID-19, but we are supposed to write a letter or email to someone so I decided to write to you. We have to include a question or theory in our letter and I was thinking about how Harry Potter would be different if Harry was called Harriet (a girl instead of a boy). Just wanted to know what your guys’ thoughts were. Thanks again, Bella.”

Laura: Oh, yeah. I think Harry’s range of experiences would have been very different if he were Harriet, just from sort of… not to say that he would have received less abuse by the hands of the Dursleys; I don’t think that would have been true, but I think it might have been different. Some of the bullying he experienced might have been different.

Micah: Do you think Petunia would have bonded with Harriet more because of Lily?

Andrew: Oooh.

Laura: I don’t think so.

Micah: And think about the Snape relationship there. Wow, that would change things.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Yeah. Oh, that would’ve been very uncomfortable. Yeah, if Snape had been like, to an underage girl, “Look at me.”

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: It’s a great question, I think, that Bella asked, and let’s not forget that J.K. Rowling had to change her name, essentially, when publishing the series because they didn’t think it would sell as well if her name, Joanne, was on the front cover. And remember, this was a much different time. That sounds crazy to say because it’s only the ’90s, but it’s a much different time that this was being written in versus today, and people’s mindset – not to say that they’re not still biased in certain ways – but I think that also probably had influence on who her main character was. Though I will say, I think Hermione really does shine through more at times than Harry does.

Laura: Oh, yeah. I have felt for a very long time that Hermione is the strongest of the trio, just in terms of the balance that she brings, the glue that she provides that holds everything together. None of the events in the Potter series would have turned out as positively as they did if Hermione had not been there to get Harry on the right track.

Micah: Totally.

Eric: Yeah, I would agree with that.

Micah: And I think we’ve done episodes just by themselves on the strong female characters that exist within the Potter series. Hermione is just one example.

Andrew: You know, Twilight author Stephanie Meyer did a gender-bent Twilight. Maybe J.K. Rowling should do the same with Harry Potter.

Eric: I am trying to find… on Archive of Our Own, there are shorter fanfics that address this exact topic. One is if Harry was a girl; the other is if Harry was born a trans girl. It’s stories that basically take the place of each other, and it kind of goes through his relationship with Petunia each time, or with Snape each time. Exactly what we’re talking about. And I’d love to credit the author, but I can’t seem to find it at the moment, so I’ll have to ask some friends of mine.

Andrew: Okay. Yeah, maybe we can include that in the show notes if you find them.

Laura: Yeah, for sure.

Eric: Yeah, check for that.

Andrew: That’s a great question, Bella. Thanks for writing in with it.

Laura: Yeah. And hope you and your family are staying safe.

Micah: Just one note on what Kamie asked about St. Mungo’s: It is the Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries.

Andrew: Ah.

Micah: So just in and of its name, maybe that’s why it doesn’t have a maternity ward.

Andrew: Yeah, so they have a separate hospital.

Laura: Yeah, so there’s probably a sister hospital called St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maternity and Delivery, or something like that.

Micah: There you go.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: For Accio-ing the baby out of you. [laughs]


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Andrew: Okay, it’s time for Chapter by Chapter, and this week we are discussing Order of the Phoenix Chapter 23, “Christmas on the Closed Ward,” and we’ll start with our seven-word summary. Ready when you are, Laura.

Laura: Oh, God.

Micah: That’s two words, Laura.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Harry…

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

Andrew: … heads…

Eric: … to…

Micah: … see…

Laura: … Arthur…

Andrew: … in…

Laura: [whispers] Hospital.

Andrew: It’s you, Eric.

Eric: Oh, wait. Is it already…?

[Seven-Word Summary music ends]

Andrew: We lost.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Oh, darn! Um… recovery.

Laura: There we go.

Andrew: Well, the time ran out, though, so it’s “Harry heads to see Arthur in.”

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Come on.

Andrew: Hopefully we find out where he headed. [laughs]

Eric: Can we please just add “recovery”?

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: For some reason I thought it was on the fifth letter and not the sixth, and that took all the time.

Andrew: Henceforth if we run out of time…

Micah: It’s over.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: It’s over. [laughs] I think that’s great. “Harry heads to see Arthur in.”

[Eric laughs]


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Andrew: So I think we’ve been excited to discuss this chapter because, in part, of the connections between this chapter and one in Chamber of Secrets, and we’re going to do something a little different this week, because, again, [laughs] I know everybody loves all the changes happening in the world right now.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: We’re just going to embed Connecting the Threads within our Chapter by Chapter discussion.

Micah: Right. Yeah, and there were three main themes that really stood out to me, and I would love to get Laura’s thoughts on this, too, since she is the master of connecting the threads. The first is possession by Voldemort, and we’ll get into that more when Ginny raises her hand and said, “Hey, by the way, I was taken over by Voldemort in Chamber of Secrets, Harry, don’t you remember? So lose the attitude”; the importance of house-elves, Dobby and Kreacher both; and then of course, our favorite Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Professor Lockhart.

Laura: Yep. Yeah, these were all things that I noticed as well, and we’ve got scattered throughout this discussion, but this chapter is really cool and different because it does have so many throwbacks to Book 2, and at least when I’m doing this, I’ve never seen this many throwbacks to the same book in one chapter that wasn’t the sister novel, so for instance, how Prisoner of Azkaban is to Order of the Phoenix. So this is a really fun one.

Micah: Definitely. But the chapter itself starts out with Harry riding back from the first visit to the hospital, and it’s almost like there’s this Horcrux takeover that happens. One of the quotes from the book says, “He ran his hand over the back of his own, wondering what it would feel like if Voldemort burst out of his skull. He felt dirty, contaminated, as though he were carrying some deadly germ, unworthy to sit on the underground train back from the hospital with innocent, clean people whose minds and bodies were free of the taint of Voldemort.” These are pretty powerful quotes, and it’s terrible that Harry is feeling this way.

Andrew: Yeah, it’s almost like what we see when you’re bitten by a werewolf. He just feels diseased, and he’ll never be able to get it out of him.

Eric: Yeah, it’s terrifying.

Laura: And I think it’s interesting that Harry has this reaction while they’re on the way back from the hospital because I don’t think it’s uncommon, if somebody is really sick, to have some of these feelings.

Andrew: But I think it’s also because he just saw his work. He saw what he, so to speak, did to Arthur, so he’s disgusted by himself.

Micah: Totally. And following this, though, he really goes into what I consider to be full nervous breakdown. He’s racking his brain. He thinks he is the weapon that Voldemort is after. He wonders if Voldemort is listening to his thoughts right at that moment. He’s concerned he’s providing access inside the Order of the Phoenix headquarters; he’s concerned because of that that Voldemort may know where Sirius is. So my question is, will somebody help this kid? And this goes back to Dumbledore, and even the listener email that we got about his reaction to seeing Dumbledore’s face. Dumbledore is not helping him. Nobody is really trying to give him the solace that he needs until Hermione shows up a little bit later in this chapter.

Andrew and Eric: Yeah.

Eric: It’s also, though, a big question, who would get through to Harry at this point? Because we do see that when people try to get close to Harry, especially in this chapter, he pulls extra hard at not letting them do that. It’s kind of one of those things where somebody… he really does need a father figure, someone who can just push forward, push through and break through the barriers here, somebody to care about him who’s actively going to not let him hide away.

Andrew: But he’s also having this nervous breakdown because he has nobody to talk to, and we see later in the chapter how Harry’s mood can improve when he does get talking to people he can trust. Later in the chapter, there’s this line after he talks to Ginny and Hermione: “What they were all saying was not only comforting, it made sense… Without really thinking he took a sandwich from the plate on the bed and crammed it hungrily into his mouth.” He got his appetite back all of a sudden because he let his feelings out, and he got to speak to other people. And we all experience this too in our own lives; you’re letting something boil inside of you. You need to let it out. You may not know who to let it out to, and once you get talking to somebody you trust, you feel better. Therapy can be one way; friends can be another. But that’s what Harry needs right now, and that’s why he’s having this breakdown.

Laura: It is fair to point out, though, he is self-isolating; it’s not like he’s running around to everybody in Grimmauld Place being like, “Please help me. Please talk to me. I’m having these awful thoughts.” And I would say the level of engagement that he’s gotten from people has been pretty respectable. I mean, Mrs. Weasley has tried multiple times to get the kid to eat, and he literally goes and hides from her so he doesn’t have to talk to her. Ron comes and tries to wake him up, and he just rolls over and goes back to sleep. Folks try to engage with him when he’s on the train, including Mrs. Weasley, who asks multiple times if he’s okay, and I think that Harry just wasn’t at a point where he was comfortable verbalizing any of this. He was so uncomfortable with it, but he also didn’t want to say the words out loud.

Andrew: I mean, I go through this a lot. I quite often do not want to let it out. I don’t want to reveal my feelings in a particular moment, just because that’s the type of person I am. So Harry’s feelings here and how he doesn’t want to talk, even though he really should, really resonated with me.

Micah: Yeah. And I like the point that Laura made about social isolation because I think that’s even more important. Tying it back to real life and what’s going on right now, somebody who had mentioned that while we all should be social distancing, we shouldn’t be socially isolating, and I think that’s really important. But to get back to this chapter, I also wonder if does it have something to do that Harry has never had true parental figures in his life, so he doesn’t have somebody that he really does trust in? He’s never established that sort of bond with anybody. Because if you think about the Dursleys, they would never be there for him in a moment like this. So I wonder, aside from Ron and Hermione – who right now he’s obviously not happy with – the only other person I could think of is Sirius, but then Sirius doesn’t take things all that seriously. [laughs] And Dumbledore… it all goes back to Dumbledore and how Dumbledore is treating him. This is not what Harry should be going through. He should have a resource, and the only resource he ends up with is a portrait.

Laura: Yeah, and it’s equally rough because in the last chapter, Harry tried to talk to Sirius about this, and Sirius just kind of brushed it off. I don’t think that it was mal-intentioned; I just think that it was ignorance. But the impact was the same.

Micah: Right. I wonder, would Lupin be a good person here? Andrew, you mentioned the werewolf piece before, in terms of probably, he’s experienced some of these things.

Andrew: Yeah, I think so. I think he would be a perfect person, and we already know that Lupin can successfully talk to Harry and have a meaningful conversation with him.

Eric: Yeah. I just have such a… I mean, my heart breaks because Harry has grown to learn not to rely on people for his emotional… that’s kind of why he’s such a mess in this book; he’s had to go it alone for so long.

Laura: Yeah. Kind of a connecting the threads moment that I wanted to bring up is this idea of social isolation. Ginny does this in Chamber of Secrets, and it’s actually because she’s being possessed by Voldemort, so she loses large periods of time and doesn’t remember where she’s been, but Harry is making the conscious decision to pull away from everybody around him, so I thought that was a really interesting parallel between those two characters.

Micah: Totally. And he actually makes a similar move that we’re about to talk about in Prisoner of Azkaban, where he packs up his stuff and leaves the house, and that’s exactly what he’s trying to… obviously, that’s on Privet Drive, but he’s about to try and do that here at Grimmauld Place, but he’s stopped by Phineas Nigellus Black.

Laura: And that’s a fun conversation.

Micah: It is.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: I love that dialogue.

Andrew: [laughs] Typical…

Eric: One of the few light moments of the chapter.

Andrew: It’s one of those things… so Phineas freaks out at Harry, being like, “Oh, you adolescents and your issues, and you think the world’s against you” and all that.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: This is like… when we’re reading this as a kid for the first time, we are definitely team Harry here, being like, “Um, Harry is right. You’re wrong, Phineas.” But reading this now as an adult, Phineas was totally the one who was right.

Eric: I think that’s exactly true. I mean, there’s nuance there, but for the most part, when Phineas tells Harry to stay put, or “This just in from Dumbledore: Stay put,” I mean, Harry is ready to go out. And I don’t think Harry properly understands the danger that he’s in, the level of danger now that Voldemort is really running things in this world and every day is getting stronger. If Harry were to leave Grimmauld Place, pretty much the only safe place for him, it would all be gone. It would all be over. And so Phineas has this difficult conversation with him, but it’s needed because it ultimately… it keeps Harry still. He’s not happy about it, but he’s no longer risking his darn neck.

Micah: Yeah. And it’s funny that it’s Phineas Nigellus Black who talks to Harry in this way and really points out the fact that Dumbledore has never led him into harm, given that Phineas was the portrait that everybody was the most upset with just a couple of chapters ago.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: Yeah, and we have to talk about the fact that this portrait is sitting in Harry’s bedroom, so Dumbledore is keeping an eye on him.

Micah: Creepy.

Andrew: Creepy, yeah. Harry realizes that Dumbledore is just keeping an eye on him. I am not kidding when I say this: When I was a kid, I had this issue where I would turn around the photos in my bedroom because I did not want them looking at me when I changed clothes. [laughs] Legit.

[Micah laughs]

Eric: The hanging photos? You would turn…? How did you…?

Andrew: I would just place them down. I would just place them down so they couldn’t look at me. I don’t know if this… maybe the Harry Potter books made me think that these photos could actually watch me.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: I don’t know, but I seriously would do this. And I’m thinking about if you’re Harry, you have no privacy! And since this is a children’s show, I won’t get into why you might need privacy, but… oh my gosh, I would throw that portrait out the window.

Eric: This is a children’s show?

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Laura: There are also very just, I think, child-friendly reasons why Harry would need privacy in this moment. He’s going through something really difficult mentally, and he may need the space to break down, to cry, to throw things around the room, whatever it is that gets this tension out, and he can’t even have that privacy.

Micah: And it’s just the luck of the draw that Ron and Harry end up in this room, right?

Eric: Oh.

Micah: Or is Ron even there with him? Or does Harry have his own room?

Eric: Ron is here because he snores at night.

Micah: Oh, okay.

Eric: It’s listed in this chapter.

Andrew: Yeah, and they’re opening Christmas gifts together in the same room, I think.

Micah: I wonder if Dumbledore tells Molly, or whomever is in charge there, “When Harry gets here, he needs to be in the room with Phineas.”

Andrew: Oh, absolutely. Yeah, this was totally the plan. And I’ve come to the conclusion that the wizarding world is a privacy nightmare.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: I hadn’t reflected on these portraits before, but thinking about it now, they are everywhere. You are always being monitored. This is worse than a cell phone. It’s terrible. Or maybe a cell phone is just as bad, because there’s cameras in these things too. Who’s watching us?

Eric: [laughs] Yeah, I mean, what if somebody surreptitiously has another portrait of themselves painted somewhere else, and they can go report on everything they watch you do from the walls? You’re exactly right. Who’s getting that information?

Andrew: I don’t like it.

Eric: Man, if Google or Facebook were a wizarding world company, they would paint portraits of pretty much every painting out there and then collect all the data from those portraits, what everybody in the world was doing.

Micah: True. So Harry eventually is able to find a way to sit down with everybody. There’s a bit of paranoia before then even with Ron, about saying Ron doesn’t want to spend time with him because of what Moody said, and I think this is just the general feeling that Harry has about everybody who was there and who was listening. But Hermione eventually shows up and that kind of helps to calm the situation. She’s given up her vacation and she’s going to spend the holidays there. And once they all finally get together and sit down, Ginny gets real, and she says to Harry, “By the way,” hand raised high in the air like Hermione usually does in class, “I was once possessed by Voldemort too, so why aren’t you checking with me in terms of what the symptoms are?”

Andrew: [laughs] Yeah.

Micah: So this was another really strong connection to Chamber of Secrets.

Andrew: And also just an example of how Harry isn’t thinking of who he can go to for help. Ginny should have seemed like a really obvious choice.

Eric: Yeah, but it just serves to tell Harry that he hasn’t exhausted all options, and even provides, I think, key comfort. It’s after this conversation when Ginny asks him, “Do you have a memory loss? Do you have moments of time when you don’t know where you’ve been?” And Harry is like, “No,” and he’s… well, immediately internally, then, he’s like, “Oh my God, I’m not the weapon. I’m not possessed, or I’m not…” He’s just able to… it’s a weight off of his whole body. But I don’t think we can blame him for not knowing who to reach out to because of his age. I think that this is the age where you just take everything internally, and you don’t ask for help.

Laura: I think it’s also a pretty common anxiety symptom. I know, speaking personally, if I’m going through bouts of anxiety, I get very insular and don’t think to ask for help, and then if somebody offers it and says something really logical, that unravels my entire theory of what horrible thing I think is going to happen. I have a similar reaction to what Harry does here. It’s like immediate relief.

Micah: Definitely.

Andrew: Yeah, I agree with that.

Micah: I also found it odd that these two were both possessed in some way by Voldemort, but yet they end up getting married, so I wondered if that was a common thing that they bonded over.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Laura: “Hey, babe, you remember when you were possessed by Voldemort?” And Ginny is like, “Actually, no.”

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: “But I’ll pretend I do for you.”

Micah: “Go back to bed, Harry.”

Eric: Oh, gosh.

Andrew: I guess… yeah, I mean, they can bond over that, though. That could bring them closer together. They both understand that they went through something horrible.

Eric: Well, I think the point is… and this is why I like Ginny for Harry, pretty much comes down to this scene, is she confronts him about it. She’s like, “You listen. You’re not asking me. What’s up with that? I have valuable… I can help you; you just need to let me in.” And he’s shocked. He’s stunned. He never thought about this, and it’s just… that’s it. Harry doesn’t think and Ginny is doing his thinking for him, and that’s why I think they’re a good couple.

Micah: I mean, the one thing that I would say is it’s not entirely accurate, and Ginny is only speaking from her own experiences.

Eric: Right.

Micah: But we should presume that there are other ways that Voldemort could possess somebody; they don’t necessarily have to have the same experience that Ginny had. But I think that it’s just two sides of the same coin, right? That Voldemort uses the diary to possess Ginny and Harry is able to connect through his own Horcrux within him to Nagini, which is another Horcrux, so it’s all part of the same Horcrux system, is what I’m trying to say.

Eric: Yeah, for sure. Big thing for me, too, is Harry, I guess, in this conversation with the group is still talking about whether or not he was transported from his bed at Hogwarts to become the snake. He’s freaking out about all these sorts of possibilities, and Hermione still is like, “One of these days you’re going to read Hogwarts: A History, and you’ll find out that you can’t Apparate or Disapparate from Hogwarts.” And I’m thinking but… okay, Hermione needs to stop with this, right? These books are almost super focused on how to get in and out of Hogwarts, and Apparition/Disapparition is truly strictly the reason… the way that you can’t. But house-elves do it all the time; they have a different kind of magic. We’ve got in the next book vanishing cabinets getting in and out of Hogwarts. Hermione needs to open her mind, broaden her horizons, as to how Harry could have been transported to London and back instantaneously. I think there’s plenty of magic that could account for that that has nothing to do with Dumbledore’s ban on Apparition.

Andrew: But she was still wrong, though, and Ron brings up the best point of all that he watched Harry that whole time shaking in his sheets. So I see your point, but also, now’s not the time to be scaring Harry into thinking that maybe he actually was transported to London and back really quickly.

Eric: True, true. Yeah. Well, Ron’s piece of evidence absolutely is, I think, definitive and helps.

Andrew: Yeah. And again, that’s something that would have been a great question for Ron. You shouldn’t have waited for Ron to tell you that. You should have asked him, “Hey, did you see me disappear for a moment?”

Eric: Yeah, I agree, actually.

Micah: Yeah. But this is that conversation, to Laura’s point, where everything just starts to come together and Harry starts to realize what is actually truth versus what he’s just been making up inside of his head for the last day or so. He’s building up his own anxiety, right? He’s starting to think about things that probably don’t have a whole lot of level of truth to them, but it’s just because he’s not talking with anybody else that he’s not rationalizing what’s going on. And this chapter, though, is called “Christmas on the Closed Ward.” Andrew, I think you had some thoughts about Christmas at Grimmauld Place despite all the decorating that Sirius has done.

Andrew: Yes. So of course, Sirius’s decorating is wonderful, and I really like that. I love presents and Christmas, but I love opening and exchanging them together. I don’t like that they exchange gifts separately in separate rooms, and then they congregate and they’re like, “Oh, wow, thanks for that,” and “Oh, this was cool, too.” They talk about it all after the fact. That’s no fun.

Eric: Yeah, where’s the common area where you can all open gifts, take turns, and talk about it and be social? That’s how we did it.

Andrew: Yeah. Do it in front of Mrs. Black’s portrait. It’ll be a great time.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: She’ll shout at you.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: I mean, this is how they do it at Hogwarts when they’re there for Christmas…

Andrew: They shouldn’t, though.

Laura: … so I wonder if this is just a wizarding world tradition.

Andrew: I don’t like it. I don’t want to go to the wizarding world anymore. Not for Christmas, at least.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: What if their tradition is that Father Christmas comes in quietly, leaves your presents at the foot of your bed, so that they’re there waiting for you when you wake up?

Andrew: And then scoop them up and bring them into a common area where you can all open together! That’s so much fun! I was just a little disappointed because that’s my favorite part of Christmas, opening gifts together.

Eric: I agree.

Micah: Yeah. Well, one person who will be surprised to get a Christmas gift is Kreacher; Hermione has been hard at work making something for him. And just talking about Kreacher in this chapter again, there’s a strong tie back to Chamber of Secrets with Dobby, and Sirius notes the fact that he’s a bit concerned that Kreacher is missing, because he has this exchange with Harry, and they haven’t seen him since Sirius dismissed him, and Harry asks a really important question of Sirius, which was, “Do you think he took your words literally when you told him to get out?” And then he goes into explaining how Dobby was, for most of Chamber of Secrets, betraying the Malfoy family by leaving the house, but he had to punish himself as a result. So who knows if that’s exactly what Kreacher is doing right now?

Andrew and Eric: Yeah.

Micah: So this should set off some big alarms on the reader’s part, and I think Sirius himself is really getting a bit worried.

Laura: As he should.

Eric: Yeah, I think so too. Sirius just, unfortunately, seems to be a little out of his depth about how to handle this. I mean, this is something that it’s a potential security leak, the fact that Kreacher… and he plays it off all cool; he’s like, “I bet we’ll find Kreacher in a couple days just snogging my mother’s bloomers up in a room.” And he really tries…

Andrew: “Or dead.”

Eric: [laughs] Yeah, but it’s a real big security issue, and I think at this point, Dumbledore absolutely should have been notified. Dumbledore has a way with house-elves, I think, just like Dumbledore has a way with merpeople and pretty much everybody else, and he might have been able to soften the eventual outcome of what has happened if he were informed.

Laura: It’s also really interesting to get this comparison between Dobby and Kreacher. I get the sense that Dobby is perhaps a much younger house-elf than Kreacher is, because Kreacher just seems that he’s been so abused, so maligned for so long that he’s too far gone at this point to turn around, whereas Dobby had the potential to see, “Oh, you know what? I don’t really like the way I’m being treated, and my family is talking about trying to kill this 12-year-old boy. I feel like I should do something about that.” And I feel like Kreacher, at this point, has just been so conditioned that that might not be a thought that would even occur to him.

Micah: Yeah, I like that. It’s really not until they unravel the whole Regulus Black storyline that Kreacher turns the corner and we see him running into the Battle of Hogwarts with a frying pan, I think, in Deathly Hallows. But yeah, no, I think it’s a great point right now. I think he’s just too far gone, and it’s scary that he is worshiping Bellatrix Lestrange, Sirius’s cousin, and has a picture of her as well as some other Black family members set up in this den, this really just disgusting hole that he’s living in, and that Sirius is not thinking enough to try and get him a place that’s a little bit more… I don’t know what the right word is, but habitable.

Eric: It’s weird because there’s another failing of Sirius’s, which is that throughout all of the time that the two have spent with each other, Sirius really fails to realize how much Kreacher loved his brother, Regulus. And Regulus is really the unspoken character in all of these goings-ons, because we know how closely he’s associated with the Horcruxes and the defeat of Voldemort. But Sirius could really have bonded with Kreacher over Regulus, or at least found some kind of a common thread of humanity. And you don’t have to give him clothing, but like you’re saying, Micah, Sirius could have either asked Kreacher if he was fine living behind the furnace, or if there was some kind of better suited quarters or something. They have all this time together, but it’s all spent in bitterness and resentment versus finding their commonality. So I would just say, if people are quarantined with people they don’t really like during this time, see if you can find a… just try once to be like, “Hey, we probably both loved our brother, so check it out.”

Laura: I think this is also a commentary – and we’ve seen it several times throughout the books, and also, this is another throwback to Chamber of Secrets – of how house-elves… I mean, they’re slaves. This is treated with complete normalcy by a number of otherwise good people in the wizarding world. The Weasleys don’t ask any questions about this; Sirius doesn’t ask any questions about it. In fact, he’s happy to treat Kreacher like crap because he also associates Kreacher with his miserable childhood. Dumbledore has house-elves working in the kitchens and then sort of the justification for it oftentimes seems to be like, “Well, these are much better conditions than they would have elsewhere.”

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Laura: And it’s like, if you were to take that argument, which people certainly have, and apply it to real instances of slavery, then it really illuminates how messed up this practice is.

Eric: Right.

Micah: Totally. And it makes you actually wonder if Kreacher was treated better by the Black family than he is currently being treated by Sirius. I wonder if he even lived in that space prior to Sirius showing up, or that just became a place for him to stash all of these things that he considered to be of importance. It’s actually, to me, also very reminiscent of Sorcerer’s Stone when we’re first introduced to the fact that Harry lives under the stairs, and you have Kreacher, who is in a somewhat similar position to how Harry is treated by the Dursleys. All right, so let’s make our way to St. Mungo’s. It’s only in the title of this chapter, and took us a bit of time to get there, I think.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: But we meet a lot of interesting characters, some of whom we’ve met before. And we can briefly mention the fact that they go in and see Arthur. Arthur is getting an earful from Molly because he tried some Muggle remedies to heal his wounds; he tried stitches, and the stitches don’t seem to be working very well. Typical Arthur.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: And while I think we could probably spend a lot of time talking about Arthur’s love of all things Muggle, let’s talk a little bit about what Harry, Ginny, Ron, and Hermione find as they make their way to the fourth floor in St. Mungo’s. They’re actually trying to go up to the fifth, I believe, to just get some tea.

Andrew: The gift shop that’s at the top.

Micah: Yeah, go to the gift shop. Buy some St. Mungo’s swag.

Andrew: Yeah, remember this wonderful time where they were visiting the hospital.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: And they run into their old pal, Gilderoy Lockhart.

Andrew: This was a surprising cameo. We thought we were done with him, right?

Eric: I’m so glad we weren’t.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: He’s kind of a terrible person, though.

Eric: Oh, he’s absolutely horrible, and this raises a lot of questions about what the wizarding world at wide knows about what Lockhart did. I mean, Harry himself in this chapter finds it a little bit difficult to feel sorry for Lockhart. Lockhart still kind of doesn’t know who he is. He has a little bit of correspondence; bless Gladys Gudgeon for really docking her ship with him and not moving on.

Micah: What do you mean by docking the ship?

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: I mean, she really… not docking the…

Andrew: Being a good caretaker.

Eric: Putting the bet on the… well, she writes him weekly.

Andrew: Oh, that’s the fan. Yeah, sorry.

Micah: I think he and Gladys had a thing before this all went down. Just my thought.

Andrew: No, I think Lockhart just has a super fan who really wants to stay in touch.

Eric: Still, after all these years. But apparently, according to this witch who watches over him, nobody visits Gilderoy, so the fact that they are here, she’s like, “Oh, Gilderoy has visitors!” and she invites them in. So apparently he’s lonely or whatever, but we can’t feel bad for him because he tried to wipe Harry and Ron’s memories and took credit for actual witches’ and wizards’ work. And here’s the thing…

Andrew: And wipe their memories.

Eric: Well, yeah, we don’t know if they were ever found and un-memory wiped, if all is right in the world. Because Harry knows what happened.

Andrew: Another spinoff series, tracking down all these people and then un-wiping their memories.

Eric: Because Harry should have told Dumbledore, and Dumbledore should have handled it.

Andrew: Are we supposed to feel bad for Lockhart? Is that what J.K. Rowling wants from us? Because he’s surrounded by people who have lost their minds – and we’re about to talk about the Longbottoms – and then here’s Lockhart. No friends, no family. He’s still in terrible condition. I don’t know if I’m supposed to feel bad or not. And I guess J.K. Rowling would say, “Well, that’s up for you to decide.” I don’t know what to think. I can’t make up my mind if I should feel bad for him or not.

Laura: I think that this, like many things, is an area where it is possible to accept multiple truths. So do I think that Lockhart is a pretty bad person who did pretty bad things while he still had his wits about him? Absolutely. Is this also incredibly sad? Yep. It’s possible for both of those things to be true. You can feel bad for somebody, but also accept that they were not the best person.

Eric: Do we think if Gilderoy did get his memories back – say, through therapy and whatever he’s doing here, and St. Mungo’s, whatever treatment plan they’ve got him on – if he got the full extent of his memory back, do you think that he would do things differently? Or do you think that… because with that comes his cunning, and do you think that he would try and seek the fame he once had by basically doing a comeback tour, and still do basically the same horrible things to other people?

Andrew: I think he would go back to his old ways, yeah. He might want to seek revenge on Harry and Ron. [laughs]

Eric: That’d be a little dangerous, Lockhart busting down the door a couple years down.

Andrew: Yeah. If he never recovered from this, I would probably feel sorry for him, just because he kind of had a short life, and it was a life of lies. And maybe he had lost his way early on through no fault of his own. So I like your reasoning, Laura, but I think at the moment, I’m still not going to feel bad for him until we learn more about Lockhart. J.K. Rowling, please tweet about him.

Laura: You’ve just got to approach it with nuance. That’s all.

Micah: Yeah, he still does have a bit of his ego, though.

Andrew: He does.

Micah: That’s without question. He knows that he’s famous in some respects, and he still likes to sign autographs.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: He wants some help. So again, another throwback to Chamber of Secrets, when Harry had detention, right? He had to help Lockhart sign all of his fan mail.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: But speaking of J.K. Rowling, though, Andrew, she did have a little bit about his name origin; not as much about what happened to him post-Order of the Phoenix, but she did say, “I found [him] on a war memorial. I was looking for quite a glamorous, dashing sort of surname, and Lockhart caught my eye on this war memorial, and that was it. Couldn’t find a Christian name. And I was leafing through the Dictionary of Phrase and Fable one night. I was consciously looking for stuff, generally, that would be useful and I saw Gilderoy, who was actually a highwayman, and a very good-looking rogue.” So that’s how Gilderoy Lockhart came about.

Eric: Pretty sure the term highwayman means scoundrel, grifter, person who is not totally honest.

Micah: Absolutely.

Eric: Lives off the road.

Micah: And before we get to talking about the Longbottoms, I just wanted to mention that we get another mention of Broderick Bode, and he has a gift that somebody sent for him for the holidays, and it is what we learn to be a mini Venomous Tentacula. And I’m wondering, in what world does the nurse think the plant described sounds like it’s safe to put next to a patient?

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Yeah, this is an utter failing. This is horrifying to see it happen. And this person who’s overseeing the ward is just like, “How nice, flowers. This person never gets flowers.”

Micah: It’s not a flower, though. It doesn’t… I don’t even think it… I forget the description; I didn’t put it in here, but it doesn’t sound like flowers.

Eric: It’s more cactus-y, I think, or leafy. Like, “How nice, aloe.”

Laura: I do wonder… and I think we did get a couple of comments about this, of people comparing these lack of security measures to our own real lives, with the example of 9/11; folks bringing up the fact that there were a lot of things that you used to be able to do that nobody even really thought about pre-9/11. If you were flying, you could take your whole freaking family out to the gate with you to watch you get on the plane.

Andrew: [laughs] That is so nuts. I never flew… I didn’t fly until 2006, so the thought of that is just mind-blowing to me. I’ve never known another way. You leave your family at the security gates.

Eric: Yeah, and I do remember doing that. I do remember going all the way to the terminal just to see a friend or family off.

Laura: Yeah, I used to go wave at the pilots when I was a kid.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: And I mean, by the way, the gates are crowded enough with passengers. I can’t imagine all these extra people hanging around these gates, so I’m glad that they added this rule. Unfortunately, it came at the cost of 9/11, obviously.

Eric: I think you’re right, though, and this is… I brought this up last week, but Mungo’s is so innocent it hurts, right? They just have never seen this kind of warfare before.

Andrew: Yeah, it’s a good point. So maybe after the Battle of Hogwarts, maybe after Voldemort is back, that reveal happens. Maybe then they check the plants, Micah.

Micah: Maybe then, yeah.

Andrew: Security lockdown on them plants.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: And I don’t think it… at least, it’s not lost on me that we’re in a ward where people have essentially lost their minds, and for the first part of this chapter, Harry kind of thinks he’s losing his mind, and I think this is a good reality check for him.

Andrew: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Puts things in perspective.

Micah: So let’s talk about the Longbottoms. This is a big surprise for… not necessarily the reader, but for everyone else that’s there with Harry. Harry obviously knows about what happened to Neville’s parents. But we’re introduced finally – we’ve heard a lot about her – to Augusta Longbottom, Neville’s grandma, and I think she’s everything we expect her to be and then some. And I do think that she cares very deeply for Neville, although it comes across in a hardened sort of way. But she’s also very proud of her son, Frank, and I don’t really know what to make of her feelings towards Alice. It’s kind of like that mother-in-law relationship, mother-in-law/daughter-in-law. But I don’t want to say that she seems less impressed with her, but I think the way that she talks about her son is… I don’t know. Did you get that sense too?

Eric: I agree completely, yes. It’s definitely her own blood, her own son, that she has the most affection for. And she tells Neville not to be embarrassed, and it’s kind of a shame because Neville is going through some stuff. He obviously is so surprised to see all of his Hogwarts school chums there. He wishes he could melt into the wall. You really feel for Neville.

Andrew: Yeah, yeah, of course. This deep secret, something he is clearly embarrassed by, has now been revealed with no warning at all. And when you’re this age, you’re deathly afraid of these types of things being revealed because… I guess one reason he’s afraid is because he doesn’t want it getting around the school, because people might make fun of him.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: Would that be a reason?

Laura: I don’t get that sense.

Andrew: No?

Laura: Because Augusta basically tells him, “You shouldn’t be embarrassed,” and he says, “I’m not.” I think he doesn’t want people to pity him.

Eric: Oh.

Andrew: Yeah, it makes sense.

Eric: That could be a bravery, right?

Laura: Mhmm.

Micah: But doesn’t Neville almost go after Draco and Harry stops him, and it ends with Harry getting detention?

Eric: Yeah, because Draco is all talking about people who’ve been meddled by magic. I forget what… this was a couple chapters ago.

Micah: Right. So yeah, we all really feel for Neville in this moment. But one other connection/throwback to Chamber of Secrets that I wanted to talk about is that Augusta, when she meets the trio and Ginny for the first time, it’s very, very different than Lucius Malfoy’s evaluation of the trio and some of the Weasleys. I know we pulled the clip from Chamber of Secrets the movie, so I think we can probably play that clip first, and then we can talk about how Augusta looks at the kids.

[Audio clip plays]

Lucius Malfoy: Mr. Potter. Lucius Malfoy. We meet at last. Forgive me… your scar is legend, as, of course, is the wizard who gave it to you.

Harry: Voldemort killed my parents. He was nothing more than a murderer.

Lucius: You must be very brave to mention his name… or very foolish.

Hermione: Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.

Lucius: And you must be Miss Granger. Yes, Draco has told me all about you, and your parents. Muggles, aren’t they? Let me see, red hair, vacant expressions, tatty secondhand book… you must be the Weasleys.

Arthur: Children, it’s mad in here…

[Audio clip ends]

Andrew: “Vacant expression, must be a Weasley.” [laughs] That was a weird one.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Yeah, so if instead you look at Augusta, her response is: “‘Ah, yes,’ said his grandmother, looking closely at Harry and sticking out a shriveled, clawlike hand for him to shake. ‘Yes, yes, I know who you are, of course. Neville speaks most highly of you… And you two are clearly Weasleys,’ Mrs. Longbottom continued, proffering her hand regally to Ron and Ginny in turn. ‘Yes, I know your parents – not well, of course – but fine people, fine people… and you must be Hermione Granger?’ Hermione looked rather startled that Mrs. Longbottom knew her name, but shook hands all the same. ‘Yes, Neville’s told me all about you. Helped him out of a few sticky spots, haven’t you? He’s a good boy,’ she said, casting a sternly appraising look down her rather bony nose at Neville, ‘but he hasn’t got his father’s talent, I’m afraid to say.'” So she takes a dig at Neville at the end there.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: But two very, very different appraisals of pretty much the same people.

Laura: I wonder when he later went on to become a professor, if he was like, “Yeah, Gran. Look at me now.”

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: “Look how far I’ve come.”

Micah: “You want some Venomous Tentacula?”

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Micah: Yeah, so I just thought that was a really cool connection between Order of the Phoenix and Chamber of Secrets. I know we spend a lot of time comparing it to Prisoner of Azkaban.

Laura: Yep. No, it’s a really cool contrast between these characters. And it’s also like… did y’all ever have this moment when you were kids where you would meet your friends’ parents that you’d never met before? You’d been friends with this person for years, you meet their parents, and it’s kind of weird?

Eric: [laughs] Yeah.

Andrew: Yes.

Laura: That’s the feeling I got in this moment. I was like, “Oh, this is so weird.” Also, a fun connection is that we finally meet Augusta Longbottom, but we actually first saw her fashion choices in Prisoner of Azkaban.

Eric: That’s right.

Laura: When Neville was fighting the Boggart, yep.

Andrew: And they’re noted here. I loved that.

Micah: Yeah, vulture hat.

Andrew: And of course, they did a great job with that in the movie too.

Eric: Oh, yeah.

Micah: So just a few other things on this chapter, particularly with the Longbottoms: The gum wrappers, the bubblegum wrappers that Alice is handing to Neville at the end of the chapter, there were so many theories back in the day about what those gum wrappers had inside of them. Were there little messages?

Andrew: What?

Micah: You don’t remember that?

Laura: Oh, yeah.

Eric: Yeah, absolutely. Because the question is whether or not Frank and Alice really do have their faculties about them. If Mungo’s is… we talked about Lucius Malfoy and the Death Eaters contributing to Mungo’s, and Mungo’s having these security holes about how you can get a killer plant in if you want to. But it’s possible that Frank and Alice, these renowned Aurors – because you hate to see them so reduced – that what if they’re either locked in, meaning that the mental capacity… they’re secretly in there, but unable to express themselves in an outward way, in a vocal way, that what if Alice is communicating with Neville through these gum wrappers? Like, if you unwrap them and there’s a message there, some kind of…

Andrew: “Here’s how to defeat Voldemort.”

Eric: Well, yeah, clue or puzzle or something, but I think it was born out of the desire to not see this man and wife reduced to this disability and succumb to the spell damage for the rest of their adult lives.

Micah: Yeah, it was definitely one of the more popular theories post-Order of the Phoenix that was out there.

Andrew: And of course, it ended up not being true, and to bring it back to this chapter…

Micah: Right. I think… yeah, J.K. Rowling actually commented on it. I forget exactly what she said, but she…

Andrew: Well, and weren’t there gum wrappers on the old JKRowling.com website?

Eric: There were.

Micah: Yeah, on her desk, I think.

Laura: Oh, yeah.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: I think the credit for that theory, where I remember hearing it, is The Ultimate Unofficial Guide to the Mysteries of Harry Potter by Wizarding World Press.

Micah: So just final piece on this chapter…

Andrew: Well, and we should just mention… I mean, the gum wrappers, Neville held on to them just because he wanted something from his mother, right? And it’s sad.

Eric and Micah: Yeah.

Micah: No, it’s heartbreaking. So the final piece of this chapter that is sort of a big reveal – at least for Ginny, Ron, and Hermione – is that Bellatrix Lestrange is responsible for putting Frank and Alice Longbottom here at St. Mungo’s, and Hermione immediately makes a connection back to Kreacher and how Kreacher has this photo of her inside his little hidey hole…

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: … and is essentially praising her, and clearly has a very fond affection for her.

Eric: What a great connection. It’s so subtle, but it really underscores where Kreacher is right at this moment. And it’s a tough moment for Hermione to reconcile what she now knows with the reality, when you can say something on paper, but when you’re faced with the reality of it, here are the victims of Bellatrix Lestrange. And Hermione wants to say all house-elves are good, all house-elves are victims, all house-elves deserve freedom, but we later find out what Kreacher does with the little bit of warped freedom that he does have, and it’s causing characters we love to die.

Micah: So before we move on to the Umbridge Suck count, I just wanted to call out one other cool nugget that I found while reading. It’s when they’re walking up the stairs, and apparently in the stairwell is all these different portraits, and one of the portraits is basically hassling Ron as he’s walking up the stairs.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: And it is implying that he has spattergroit, and he’s like, “No, dumbass, it’s actually just freckles that I have on my face.” And I just thought that this was funny because we know that in Deathly Hallows, the ghoul in the attic is actually charmed or whatever into having spattergroit or symptoms of spattergroit, and that’s the story that is spun about Ron and why he’s not at Hogwarts.

Eric: Yeah, good foreshadowing.

Andrew: Do we want to hear exactly what J.K. Rowling had to say about the gum wrappers? I found the quote.

Eric: Oh, you found it.

Micah: Sure.

Andrew: This was from the MuggleNet/Leaky interview post-Half-Blood Prince. So that book came out, and everybody was still talking about the gum wrappers. [laughs] “That idea was one of the very few that was inspired by a real event. I was told what, to me, was a very sad story by someone I know about their elderly mother who had Alzheimer’s, and the elderly mother was in a closed ward. She was very severely demented and no longer recognized her son, but he went faithfully to visit her twice a week, and he used to take her sweets.”

Eric: Ohh.

Andrew: “That was their point of connection; she had a sweet tooth, she recognized him as the sweet-giver. That was very poignant to me. So I embroidered the story. Neville gives his mother what she wants, and (it makes me sad to think of it) she wants to give something back to him, but what she gives back to him is essentially worthless. But he still takes it as worth something because she’s trying to give, so it does mean something, in emotional terms.”

Micah: There’s a lot of nostalgia in this chapter. Time for the Umbridge Suck count, and I can only find one moment to up her count…

Andrew: Phew, thank goodness.

Micah: … and that was that she was upset that Harry and the Weasleys got permission to leave school early to go visit Arthur.

Andrew: Yeah. What the heck? This is a milestone because now, according to our tally, Umbridge has sucked 50 times!

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Andrew: Let’s play it 50 times!

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

[Micah laughs]

Laura: No.

Eric: You do that in post.

Andrew: We’ll be back in five minutes.

[Eric laughs]


MVP of the Week


Andrew: It’s time for MVP of the Week.

[MVP of the Week music plays]

Andrew: I’m going to give it to Augusta Longbottom for giving the trio the compliments that they all deserved. She was very sweet.

Eric: I’m going to give it to Harry’s new present from Hermione, the homework diary that threatens to him, like, “Do it today or later you’ll pay!” and “If you’ve dotted the i’s and crossed the t’s, then you may do whatever you please!”

Laura: I swear, Hermione is a great friend, but she’s a terrible present giver.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: You don’t think Harry needs a homework diary?

Laura: No.

Micah: Not right now. I will give it to Ginny for just keeping it real, making Harry realize that he’s not alone.

Laura: And despite her horrible taste in Christmas gifts, I’m giving it to Hermione for being the one who dragged Harry out of Buckbeak’s room and really got him to pay attention to his friends.


Rename the Chapter


Andrew: And now let’s rename the chapter: Order of the Phoenix Chapter 23, “Forgetful and Fraudulent.”

Eric: I borrowed a quote from Phineas Nigellus Black: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 23, “The Poor Puffed-Up Poppinjay.”

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: I with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 23, “Lockhart, Longbottom, and Bode, Esq.”

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Laura: And I went with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 23, “Gum Wrapper Conspiracy.”

Eric: Really drawing attention to it.

Andrew: I want to change mine to “Accio Baby.” Chapter 23, “Accio Baby.”

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: If you have any feedback about today’s discussion, send it on in, MuggleCast@gmail.com, or use the contact form on MuggleCast.com. We’d love to hear if you have any feedback about today’s episode or any thoughts on the next chapter, Chapter 24 of Order of the Phoenix.


Quizzitch


Andrew: It’s time now for Quizzitch.

[Quizzitch music plays]

Eric: Last week’s question: What present for Christmas does Harry give to Ron? The correct answer was a broom compass. Correct answers were sent in by Terri Gan, Jenny Beez, Tara, Count Ravioli, Less than Stance, Erika, Caleb, Reese, and Viyana. Next week’s question: Who teases Harry first about taking remedial potions with Severus Snape?

Micah: Great question.

Eric: Submit the answers, as always, to us over on Twitter, at @MuggleCast with hashtag Quizzitch.

Andrew: And don’t forget, Quizzitch Live: The Fandom of Secrets, this Thursday, April 9. Stream starts at 7:15 p.m. eastern and game begins at 7:30 p.m. eastern. Tune in. Open to everybody.


Chicken Soup for the MuggleCast Soul


Andrew: It’s time for a Chicken Soup for the MuggleCast Soul. Micah, we did a survey recently and everybody raved about your voice, so I feel like you should read this Chicken Soup for the MuggleCast Soul.

Micah: All right, this comes from Stephanie, who says,

“Hey, MuggleCasters. Been listening since 2006 and I feel like you’ve been there for every major life event, both joyous and less so. You were with me on my way to gymnastics meets when I was little, traveled around the world with me as I got older, and more recently have kept my spirits up as I ran half marathons. You’ve also been with me through my parents’ divorce, fights with friends, organic chemistry, bad college hangovers, studying for the MCATs, and medical school step exams. Most recently, you’ve been with me on the 1 train every morning as I go to work as an internal medicine intern in the ICU at Columbia New York Presbyterian. I knew intern year would be the hardest year of my life, but I never could have imagined what it would feel like to be an ICU physician in a New York hospital during COVID. Not only that, but my usual sources of stress relief — seeing friends, spin classes, going to the gym — have been taken away (as they have been for everyone.) Amidst all of this, MuggleCast has transported me from the 1 train out of New York every morning. Thank you for that. It is much appreciated. Stephanie.”

Laura: And thank you.

Andrew: Yeah, thank you.

Micah: Yeah, I was going to say from all of us, thank you, because it’s because of what you do that we’re all trying to stay safe and healthy, and the work you do, we can’t say thank you enough for it.

Andrew: Absolutely. And it’s always a pleasure doing this podcast, but especially now, because what’s so great about podcasting and consuming podcasts is you can still get these no matter where you are, no matter what you’re doing, even if you’re stuck at home like most of us are. And if you aren’t, you should consider that if you can. But yeah, we’re just happy to be here with everybody during this difficult time, and we hope MuggleCast is a source of comfort for all of you. And of course, not just us – it’s not about us – Harry Potter as well. We hope the Harry Potter books are a source of comfort as we get through this crazy year. Remember when we were all like, “2019, please end already”? Well, it ended, and here we are. We would love your support at Patreon.com/MuggleCast. We are a weekly podcast thanks to the support of listeners like you. Head over to Patreon.com/MuggleCast, and when you pledge, you will have instant access to tons of benefits, including our recording studio as we record each Saturday or Sunday morning. You also get behind-the-scenes looks at the show; you’ll see what we’re planning for the week ahead, you’ll get bonus MuggleCast installments, and a whole lot more. Oh, including our favorite new benefit, these personalized “Thank you messages” that we are recording for each and every new patron. That’s been a lot of fun, and you will get yours when you pledge today at Patreon.com/MuggleCast. Also be sure to follow us on social media; we are MuggleCast on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Links will go out on our social media channels for Quizzitch Live this week, so keep an eye on those around 7:15 p.m. eastern on Thursday, and you will get the links. Sorry, by the way, that we are recording this one in the evening-ish hours for you international people out there. I know that’s a harder time for you guys to make, but it’s just what is working for us. We will try in the months ahead to do one that is earlier in the day so international audiences can participate without being really tired. I’m J.K. Rowling.

Eric: [laughs] I’m Eric.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: Goodbye!

Laura and Micah: Bye.

Transcript #459

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #459, Magicare For All (OOTP 22, St. Mungo’s, Part 2)


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into J.K. Rowling’s Wizarding World. I’m Andrew.

Eric Scull: I’m Eric.

Micah Tannenbaum: I’m Micah.

Laura Tee: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: We hope everybody is doing well. We tried to take everybody’s minds off of the craziness of the world right now; we hosted a live edition of Quizzitch last week, and we didn’t bring this up on Episode 458 – we apologize – because we kind of came up with the idea at the last minute. But we did that on Wednesday and it was a lot of fun, so thanks to everybody who participated. We had over 700 people involved, and it was really cool. We were basically hosting a trivia night that you would see at a bar, but we actually know our Harry Potter, so all the questions and answers were correct.

Eric: [laughs] It was a lot of fun.

Micah: It really was. As you said, it was just a nice break from everything that was going on, and I know a lot of people that commented really just appreciated that opportunity to get away and just have a lot of fun, and that’s what it was. Even Fudge, the Minister for Magic…

[Laura laughs]

Micah: … at least in this book right now… he joined us at the top of the show. Thank you to Cornelius.

Laura: Yeah, and we gave away some fun prizes, too, right?

Andrew: We did. We gave away a MinaLima print. One of the prizes was an edition of a Harry Potter book you don’t yet have, some Funkos, one of the Harry Potter puzzles that we can’t stop talking about… those are all sold out, by the way, on New York Puzzle Company.

Eric: Really!

Andrew: And on Amazon, and everywhere else. Everybody is buying puzzles right now, I guess just to keep themselves busy. We do hope to host another edition of Quizzitch Live in the weeks ahead; more details to come. But congratulations to all the winners of our first ever Quizzitch Live: Nathan, House-Elf Liberation Front, Julia, Insufferable Know-It-All, and Margo. And you can see a list of the top 500 participants on MuggleCast.com. So yeah, it was a great time, and we’re looking forward to doing that again, because I just don’t think you see something like this online anywhere else.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: I mean, I hate to be egotistical about it, but… [laughs]

Micah: Well, you’re going to soon. Other people are going to follow in our footsteps. We’re the trendsetters, just like we were with this podcast.

Andrew: As usual, as usual.


News


Andrew: So let’s talk a little bit of news. Actually, the only news item we have this week is that J.K. Rowling has been back on Twitter recently. She’s trying to calm the public, and she’s trying to encourage everybody to stay indoors during this pandemic.

Micah: [whispers] She’s back.

Andrew: [laughs] And there have been a couple of interesting tweets. I was very alarmed when a Lord Voldemort account with 270,000 followers tweeted J.K. Rowling, “Stay safe, Jo.” She replied, “You too, Voldy.” Heart emoji.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Um… he’s the enemy!

Laura: Yeah, but she’s his creator.

Eric: Yeah, you always love your children, even the bad ones, right?

Andrew: And I guess she’s saying we all need to come together right now, put our differences aside. Who cares if he wants to kill half-bloods and Muggles? Doesn’t matter.

Eric: Right, right.

Laura: Well, he’s dead, so…

Andrew: Clearly not.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: He tweeted J.K. Rowling. I think she’s also confirming that Voldemort is alive after all.

Eric: Oh, gosh.

Andrew: I mean, we read the Cursed Child; he does come back. I think he came back again. Cursed Child part three.

Eric: It’s so fun to see, though, J.K. Rowling interact with one of these parody accounts, whether it’s Voldemort or Hagrid or Harry Potter himself or anything like that. Just seeing any artist interact with parody accounts of their own work is always a good time over on Twitter.

Andrew: She was tweeting pictures of her dog and her; that was cute. This tweet was kind of interesting: She said that she plays Mario Kart. I wouldn’t have pegged her for a Mario Kart player.

Eric: Yeah, this was awesome. Somebody asked her, “I’m completing a school project about you.” Or actually, it was a teacher, who said, “I’m using you for my sample project,” and she said, “Any little-known fun facts about yourself you won’t mind sharing?” And she said, “My favorite color is pink. I always play as Yoshi in Mario Kart.” And she’s just started rereading Catch-22, which she first read aged 22, and she got a tattoo last year. So she just outright gave these lesser-known facts. What matters the most to me is that she and I have the same taste in characters for Mario Kart.

Andrew: Interesting. I like playing as Mario himself, or Tanuki Mario.

Eric: Classic, classic Mario.

Andrew: She did say, “I got a tattoo last year, but not a Harry Potter tattoo. That would be ridiculous.”

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Why, Jo? I think you should.

Eric: Somebody asked her about that as a follow up, and she said, “It would be like getting my own face tattooed on me.”

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Like, “I have a face on my face; I don’t need it on my self.”

Laura: That’s fair. I wonder what this tattoo is of.

Eric: I know; now I’m really curious.

Andrew: Yeah, we need to know, Jo. But I mean, okay, but Eric has a MuggleCast tattoo. Is that the same thing or no?

Eric: Right, MuggleCast is our project. It’s what we created together, so it works for me.

Andrew: Yeah, but Harry Potter is her project.

Eric: Well, you know what she should do, is she should get the movie poster of Philosopher’s Stone, the first one, because that’s a project involving multiple people. So that should be tattooed.

Andrew: [laughs] Just a sleeve tattoo of Sorcerer’s Stone?

Eric: Yeah! Listeners at home, write in with what you think J.K. Rowling should get as her next tattoo. We’ll pick the winner and barrage her on Twitter and suggest it.

Micah: Do you think she can actually show it on social media?

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Oh my God.

Micah: Where she elected to get this tattoo?

Andrew: You think she may have gotten it on her booty?

Micah: Well, maybe slightly above.

Eric: God.

Laura: You think J.K. Rowling got a tramp stamp, Micah?

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: I want to know who J.K. Rowling’s tattoo artist is, because that person has got to have nerves of steel.

Eric: Wow.

Andrew: Yeah, you don’t want to screw up J.K. Rowling…

Laura: Yeah, you don’t want to mess up J.K. Rowling’s tattoo.

Eric: That’s true.

Andrew: She probably went to a celebrity tattoo artist. There must be trusted tattoo artists within the celebrity community, right?

Micah: I could see Tom Felton doing it.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Tom Felton doing J.K. Rowling’s tattoo. All right, I think it’s time to move on.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: Yeah, but real quickly, knowing now that her favorite color is pink, it reminded me of Umbridge, of Professor Umbridge. Umbridge being a woman who wears pink ironically, and was based off a real person that J.K. Rowling once knew who wore pink to be extra feminine. And so J.K. Rowling liking pink is a huge – not stretch – a huge flex, I think, because she sort of lampooned the color previously.

Andrew: Right, yeah. Last week we mentioned that they were putting together some more Harry Potter at home initiatives. They haven’t announced any more of those, by the way, but maybe in the next week or two we will get to see what those are. But yeah, it looks like J.K. Rowling is back on Twitter for the time being. We’ll see how long she sticks around. Still not sharing any new Harry Potter information, really, by the way; I think she’s sworn off of that because she would just get attacked every time she was adding to canon on Twitter, which I liked and which was great for the show.

Micah: I think so. Why not? It gives her… she’s not doing anything else. Cormoran Strike 5, done. Fantastic Beasts 3 script, done. I mean, she could obviously hang out with her kids and her husband, but…

Laura: Yeah, but like, why?

Andrew: [laughs] When you can be on Twitter talking to strangers?

Micah: She could play Mario Kart online with the rest of us.

Eric: Oh, yeah.

Laura: Exactly.

Micah: That’s what we need. We need her username, Andrew, so we can play with her.

Eric: Jo, give us your Nintendo Switch online account name.

Laura: Think about your priorities.

Andrew: Yeah, Jo, let me beat you in Mario Kart.

Laura: Do you think she’s playing Animal Crossing?

Andrew: Oh. I don’t know. I mean, she plays The Sims, and The Sims is similar to Animal Crossing, so I bet. Or she’s probably playing Mario Kart on Nintendo 64 or something, I would guess.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: That’s really the only place to play it, to be honest.

Andrew: Nah, the Switch one is great. Also Double Dash.

Micah: It is. But anyway, that actually makes me think, though, about the scripts for the fourth and fifth Fantastic Beasts movies. She has all this time now. She could just write these things, bang them out, and maybe the movies get made quicker as a result?

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: Maybe. Sounds like wishful thinking. I think they’re going to want to space the movies out two years apart, like they were trying to do initially.


Listener Feedback


Andrew: We do have one email this week. This is from Veronica.

“Hello, MuggleCasters! I’m a new listener. Started listening just before Christmas!”

Welcome to the show, Veronica.

“I wanted to comment on your recent discussions regarding Thestrals, specifically how Harry did not see them at the end of…”

Wait, what? G-O-… Goblet of…?

Micah: I think she just calls it GOF.

Andrew: Oh. [laughs]

Micah: I’ve never heard that before.

Andrew: “… at the end of GOF when leaving Hogwarts. I just finished reading GOF for the billionth time and wanted to share a line from the book with you. In the US paperback edition, on page 725, the ‘horseless carriages’ are mentioned. However, the point of could possibly be from Hermione and not Harry. The line reads, ‘Hermione turned away, smiling at the horseless carriages that were now trundling toward them up the drive, as Krum, looking surprised but gratified, signed a fragment of parchment for Ron.’ I’d like to propose a theory. Harry is waiting for the carriages to arrive and is talking to Krum. It is during this time that the carriages apparently arrive and the scene quickly changes and they are already on the train. Perhaps he did not ‘see’ the Thestrals because he was distracted by all of the commotion and conversation with Fleur and then Krum. Wonder what your thoughts are? Thanks for all of your work on the show! Stay healthy!”

Eric: Yeah, Rowling addressed this. This was why she had to say that death needs to “sink in” for people to be able to see Thestrals, because there was this error where she wrote that Harry didn’t see them in Goblet of Fire. So this was her… she since corrected to be like, “Well, even though Harry had seen Cedric die, he hadn’t really lived with it long enough to see a Thestral.”

Laura: Yeah, I do kind of like, though, that Veronica was thinking about ways to explain the error, like Harry is clearly preoccupied with other things in this scene. So while J.K. Rowling has explained to us why this is, I think this is a good reading. I like it.

Eric: Yeah, if he glimpsed, say, the backside of a carriage, it’d be like, “Oh, those are the horseless carriages,” without him noticing that there was somebody there in front of it, yeah.

Micah: Well, based on your explanation, though, too, Eric, maybe if he did turn and see, he would say, “Oh my God, why is there just a horse head sticking out of nowhere?” He’s only processed, like, half of what’s happened to Cedric.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Do you think that you see Thestrals incrementally? Like, partially?

Micah: Maybe.

Eric: I love that idea.


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Andrew: Okay, it’s time for Chapter by Chapter, and we are discussing the back half of Chapter 22 this week, “St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries.” And we will start with our seven-word summary.

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

Andrew: Harry…

Laura: … ventures…

Micah: … to…

Eric: … the…

Andrew: … hospital…

Laura: … with…

Micah: … family.

Laura: There we go.

Andrew: Best one yet. That gets an Outstanding.

Eric: Yeah, we’ll poll our Facebook patrons group about…

Andrew: Oh, they’ve been doing it themselves. We don’t even have to.

Micah: Oh, really?

Andrew: Yeah, in the Facebook group.

Micah: How have our grades been?

Eric: Poor. Think we got a couple of votes for Troll last couple weeks.

Laura: [laughs] Aw, they love judging us, guys.

Eric: This will set them right. Everybody can agree this was an outstanding seven-word summary.

Micah: This really was.


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Eric: It’s interesting, Micah, that you should say that Harry ventures to the hospital with family, because as this chapter starts, Harry seems to be questioning how close he is to the Weasleys.

Micah: Yeah, but I think that is natural given what’s happened. This isn’t just a normal set of circumstances, is it? Harry feels directly responsible for this family grief.

Eric: Yeah. I mean, to view himself as… and Sirius. He’s looking across the room at Grimmauld Place and saying, “Me and Sirius are intruders on this family grief.” I’m thinking, but the Weasleys have done nothing but accept Harry from day one on the train platform with Molly helping him board the train, to coming to stay at the Burrow, being rescued from the Dursleys in Book 2… at least for three or four years now, Harry has been a surrogate child, and no more so than the beginning of this book when Molly is fighting Sirius for control over Harry. So I think it makes a little bit of sense, but Harry by now should feel like he can mourn with the Weasleys for Mr. Weasley being attacked.

Laura: But I think he’s also struggling with the feeling that he was the one who attacked Mr. Weasley at this point, and he’s feeling a great deal of guilt over it, and that’s got to be mixed up and painful and hard to deal with. Because on the one hand, it’s true that Mr. Weasley would have died if Harry hadn’t had the vision; on the other, Harry feels complicit in what happened to him.

Andrew: Right. Not to mention – and we didn’t discuss this last week – but the Weasley kids were suspicious of Harry when he was telling this story. They couldn’t help but feel like maybe he was involved in attacking Arthur, and that also makes Harry feel very insecure.

Eric: It certainly services the cliffhanger at the end of the chapter.

Micah: Yeah, exactly. I was going to say I think they have very good reason to feel somewhat suspicious when Harry is telling a story, given what we learn at the end of the chapter.

Eric: You know who’s not suspicious is Sirius Black. Harry actually is able to tell him what happened. They’re hiding in a cupboard or cabinet or something before breakfast; wherever they are, it’s dark. They don’t even turn on a light. Harry can barely see Sirius’s face. But he tells him everything that happened and Sirius is just like, “Ah, you’re tired. You should get some sleep.” And I’m wondering, why doesn’t Sirius take it a little bit more seriously?

Andrew: Well, is he just trying to…? He knows what’s going on, right? Or has a better sense of what’s going on than Harry does. He might have his guesses, at least, and he doesn’t want to scare Harry at this point, and probably, per Dumbledore’s orders, he doesn’t want to give Harry more information.

Eric: My take on it was that Sirius himself just never dealt with this kind of thing. Possession, not really in the wheelhouse. All the Marauders have extensive experience with whatever the heck makes the Marauder’s Map tick and turning yourself into an Animagus and all this other cool stuff, but this just seems to be out of Sirius’s element. I don’t think he properly respects the nuance that Harry saw something through another creature’s vision. Sirius unfortunately, even though he’s being godfatherly by telling Harry to rest and get sleep, he’ll feel better, and that’s all good, he doesn’t seem to really understand what could be at play here.

Micah: I tend to agree with that. I think that when you look at what he was able to do in terms of comforting the Weasley family initially when they arrive, and getting them to settle down and being more mature, versus this moment… Harry is just looking for answers, and I think this is just another example of him not being able to get them. He’s not able to get the answers he needs until he’s able to overhear the conversation at the end of this chapter, and I don’t necessarily know that that’s Sirius’s fault in this moment; I just don’t think that he’s… if he was talking to Lupin – Harry – in this moment, I feel like he might get some more insight into what could possibly be going on, and Lupin knows how to kind of cut those corners. But I actually don’t think Sirius knows from Dumbledore what’s happening. I think he’s intentionally kept out of the loop because he would just blab it all to Harry.

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Andrew: He must have his suspicions, though.

Laura: Yeah, I just tend to agree that… and this is not a slight against Sirius; I know that this will probably rub some people the wrong way…

[Eric laughs]

Laura: … but I don’t think that Sirius would be fully equipped to have that kind of conversation. I agree that somebody like Lupin would be more capable of approaching something like that.

Eric: And Lupin knows Harry better from having taught him at Hogwarts. Having gone through the whole Patronus thing, like, “When I see Dementors, I hear my mother,” Lupin is already clued into some of Harry’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities in that way, so he’d probably be able to take it a little bit more seriously that Harry is feeling very vulnerable right now.

Micah: And to raise a red flag, I don’t know that Sirius is taking this information as seriously as he should be, and even though the conversation happened with Dumbledore and McGonagall present earlier, I just feel like Sirius is being way too dismissive. I don’t know if, after this conversation, he does go back, maybe, and talk with Molly or he talks with others, but he just seems to be very complacent with this information.

Andrew: Well, that’s why I think he’s trying to mislead Harry, but yeah.

Eric: Yeah, we’ll see. So it’s kind of touch and go. This is where we left off our discussion last week, with Molly entering and saying Mr. Weasley is okay. We recently did a bonus MuggleCast over on our Patreon about Arthur Weasley, the choice to keep him alive, to spare his life, basically; we know that J.K. Rowling, while writing this book, almost killed Mr. Weasley. But now that we’re on this chapter, I had a few extra questions to ask about, really, what would it look like in the book? This would presumably be the chapter where Molly comes in and says, “He’s gone.” Just how to view how that would change things for this book.

Andrew: To lose such a big character in the middle of the book would have seriously changed the dynamics of the rest of the book, because I can’t imagine the kids moving on from this for the rest of Order of the Phoenix.

Eric: Right?

Andrew: So I’m very glad that she didn’t kill Arthur for that reason alone. And I sound like David Yates or David Heyman talking about the adaptations when I say this, but the pacing.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: It would have slowed down the pacing of this book, I think. And they did need a win, and this was a win. This was a feel-good moment in a much needed area when a lot of bad things are going on. And for Harry to have to deal with not only potentially being “possessed” by Voldemort, but to also have lost a father figure to him, and for the Weasleys to have lost their father, it just would have been so, so awful.

Laura: I think it would have further complicated the plot, too, just in terms of the Order of the Phoenix and their secrecy, and that could even trickle down to Dumbledore’s Army at Hogwarts, this idea that Mr. Weasley is murdered by some creature outside of the Department of Mysteries, and the kinds of questions that that would raise for the Ministry, like, “What was he doing there?”

Andrew: Right.

Laura: I don’t think that is something they would publicize. They talk about this in this chapter, that there’s no reporting on this because the Ministry does not want it out there that something like this happened on their premises, but I think that it would make them very suspicious, and given that so many of the Order members actually work at the Ministry, this could have put a lot more people in danger, too.

Eric: That’s a good point. And I wonder if it still would have happened at Christmas, or if she had decided that he was going to die, whether or not it would have happened closer towards the climax of the book.

Andrew: Right, yeah. That would have been so awkward for Arthur to die in the middle, and then you still have an entire half of a book to go through. [laughs] Like, put me out of my misery already.

Eric: [laughs] She’d have to write about every one of his kids’ grief.

Andrew: Yeah, for the rest of the book.

Eric: Yeah, so it would have just been untenable for him to die right now.

Andrew: And then Hermione would have been so jealous. Like, “Ugh, Harry, why couldn’t I have been the snake so I could have seen somebody die? And then I could have seen Thestrals.”

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: “I’m so jealous, Harry.”

Micah: Are you back on this Hermione serial killer kick now, Andrew?

Andrew: Yeah, yeah.

Micah: I like what Laura said, though, and I don’t think it would have only impacted the Weasley/Order/Ministry storyline; I think it would have been a much quicker exposure for Voldemort and the Death Eaters, and I don’t know if J.K. Rowling was ready to do that at this point. Because if Nagini ends up killing Arthur, then that’s proof that something sinister is going on, and I think eventually it would have led back to Voldemort, given some of the other things that happen in this book – that have already happened in this book, actually. And I’m also wondering, too, how they would have celebrated Arthur’s life, because really, the big funeral scene is for Dumbledore in Half-Blood Prince, and Sirius, the way that he’s killed at the end of the book, it’s quick, it’s clean, and that’s it, the book is over, and you don’t really get a chance to mourn for him. And I don’t really know that there would have been a big memorial for him there outside of the Order, who is there, versus the Weasley family, I feel like it’s probably a pretty big, extended group.

Andrew: Yeah, I don’t know. I mean, I guess that would have… at least we would have gotten one proper funeral this book. Sirius just goes through the veil and that’s it.

Eric: Yeah, there’s not even a body.

Andrew: An Arthur funeral would have been so sad. I mean, it probably would have happened at the Burrow, and Molly and all the Weasley kids would be crying, and Harry would feel guilty.

Eric: Do you think it would bring Percy back into the fold a little bit faster? Because doesn’t it take till…?

Andrew: Oooh, that’s an interesting question. Yeah, he would have been there, but it probably would have been awkward, I think. I don’t know if he would have had a change of heart in terms of who he’s loyal to at the moment.

Eric: It’s always so clever to see, though, that we believe that it was totally possible for Arthur to have died. It was real touch-and-go. She shows urgency in this chapter, but for the reasons that I think we’ve uncovered, it really would have ruined the book if he had died – in its current state with how it’s planned out.

Andrew: Right.

Eric: As such, it’s kind of clean and neat how Sirius exits. Harry does trash Dumbledore’s office, but it’s really only Harry that mourns him that we see. And it’s clean; it happens at the end of the book. She managed to present a emergency-level event here at Christmas and still do the back half of the book, which is really cool. I think it’s really good story-plotting.

Andrew: Yep.

Laura: Yeah, and I also just think that in terms of choosing Sirius to die as opposed to Arthur, I really think that Sirius plays out his arc in this book, and had he lived and been present for all or part of the rest of the series, there would only have been two options: It would have been Sirius remains on the run and therefore cooped up at Grimmauld Place or somewhere, and is super moody about it, or there has to be an arc clearing his name so that he can come out in the world and be involved in everything, which drastically changes the direction of the series.

Eric: Right. It’s true, yeah. I mean, as being a Sirius fan, I’d love to have seen what that would have looked like; maybe Fudge himself sees Peter Pettigrew at the end of the book instead of Voldemort, and is forced, therefore, to clear Sirius Black of all charges, and what that looks like for the government. But yeah, I guess we’ll never know.

Micah: This was also just a further reality check for us as readers as to how dangerous things really are at this time, and I think also for the characters as well, to have Arthur experience this near-death moment, and to know that it could have easily gone the other way. It just shows how dangerous times are right now, and I think that was the point that J.K. Rowling was trying to get across, that any of these characters could go at a moment’s notice.

Andrew: So Arthur does live, and it’s time to go see him at St. Mungo’s, and this is our introduction to this wizarding hospital. It’s located at the front of a shuttered department store called Purge and Dowse Ltd., which I think was one of our Quizzitch questions a couple of weeks ago.

Micah: It definitely was. It’s a clever name for a storefront that allows you to get into a hospital, I thought, because of the words “purge” and “douse.”

Andrew: Purge your germs. Douse your germs? Purge yourself of your illness?

Micah: I mean, when you think about maybe dousing a cut… to your point, purging yourself of germs or an illness. I just… J.K. Rowling, ladies and gentlemen.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: It’s a good joke. To our point that we were just making about J.K. Rowling really conveying the seriousness, here’s a book about a boy going to a wizard school, and there’s not just one, but several chapters set at a hospital. This is getting very real all of a sudden. And it’s funny because Mad-Eye Moody and Tonks, who are along with them on this journey to the hospital – presumably for a little beefed up extra security – Moody gives Harry a backstory of how they found this building. It’s in the center of London on a bustling Muggle street, and you see all these Christmas shoppers going by, not really paying attention to this dilapidated storefront.

Andrew: And this is the part I can’t really believe. So you enter the hospital by walking through this glass after talking to this dummy in the window, and nobody pays any attention to this building, so that’s why they can just walk through the glass and nobody notices. I don’t really believe that, but okay, I’ll suspend my disbelief for this moment.

Laura: I mean, it’s the same principle as Platform Nine and Three Quarters.

Andrew: Right, yeah.

Eric: And the Leaky Cauldron as well.

Micah: And Grimmauld Place.

Andrew: Well, Jo’s taken this too far, then.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Come up with another way. I like the entrance to the Ministry, through the toilet.

Eric: Yeah, I agree. And I think this is obviously the Muggle entrance. There’s probably a way to Floo Powder into Mungo’s, but this is the public entrance.

Micah: That’s actually a really great transition, Andrew, when you were saying that you could flush yourself down to the Ministry, because Moody actually makes a comment about how the hospital couldn’t be underground like the Ministry because it’s just unhealthy.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: And I thought that this was a subtle indictment on the part of J.K. Rowling about politics in general just being unhealthy, and that’s why they’re underground. Also why you flush yourself down the toilet to get there.

Laura: Yep.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Eric: Well, that’s just being a civil servant. But yeah, I think that the hospital, it being important that it’s above ground, also speaks to – I want to say ancient, but not really that ancient – recent historical remedies of getting fresh air, right?

Andrew: Right.

Eric: People a hundred years ago, if they were diagnosed with tuberculosis, were sent to live by the sea because of fresh air, and it has some benefits; there’s some documentation of that actually improving the symptoms. So the hospital being above ground means they can open a window.

Andrew: Yeah, and I mean, who wants to be trapped underground? The Ministry does have those fake windows, but then you have to deal with these people who are in control of the weather.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: And that sucks, and we spoke about that earlier.

Micah: Yeah, you can’t piss them off, otherwise it’s going to be a hurricane.

Andrew: Yeah, for like, weeks.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: But yeah, I think… I like that they tried to build this above ground, and they didn’t bother putting it below ground. Health benefits aside, you would feel like they would figure out how to make it work underground; send some fresh air down there via pipes or more of these fake windows and have some air blowing through the fake windows.

Micah: What’s funny to me, though, is that MACUSA is above ground as a Ministry, and usually Americans have to follow in the footsteps of everybody else in terms of things like being more conscious of workplace benefits and… I don’t know, maybe that’s just my own personal feeling. But the fact that MACUSA had it right before the British Ministry did.

Andrew: MACUSA also had standing desks first.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: And treadmill desks, too.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Oh my God. I’m glad you brought up MACUSA, because that effect is what I picture when they’re walking through the glass, the same effect of Tina taking Newt through the door.

Andrew: Oh, yeah. Right.

Eric: Where if you look in one door at something, but you actually go in the other one and all of a sudden it transforms into what you see. And I think it’s funny because David Yates was… his first film was the Order of the Phoenix adaptation, which famously omitted the hospital entirely, and yet he still gets to do a cool going-into-the-building shot later with MACUSA in Fantastic Beasts 1.

Micah: And while you’re on that point – I know I brought it up a little bit later on in the document – but do we feel like there’s a missed opportunity on the part of David Yates, David Heyman – I know, pacing, Andrew – but to not include St. Mungo’s?

Andrew: [imitating David Yates] “The pacing, the pacing.”

Micah: It’s a place that’s referenced throughout the entire series up until this point. You always hear about this person going to St. Mungo’s, that person going to St. Mungo’s. And you had a chance to create St. Mungo’s, and you didn’t.

Eric: Yeah, but they also created the Ministry in this movie, and the budget for those sets is just so grand.

Andrew: Yeah. The Ministry alone, I think, was a big one for them to tackle, and then they got Grimmauld Place… well, I mean, every movie has a lot of sets, but it’s probably just a time thing, too. They just didn’t want to introduce the hospital in this two hour and change movie. There just wasn’t time for it.

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Eric: And the Department of Mysteries is in this book. I think they just asked Jo, “Will this ever really come up in the future?” And she could safely say at that point, “No.”

Andrew: Right. If the hospital played a pivotal role in Deathly Hallows, then maybe they introduce it here. Because didn’t she say, “Hey, you want to include Kreacher”? That was one she insisted on.

Micah: So the budget for St. Mungo’s went to Kreacher.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, doesn’t Kreacher look great?

Laura: Yeah, it’s why his model looks so good.

Eric: And St. Mungo’s is fantastic in the book because you get all the levels we’ll talk about. It’s a really wonderful back half of this chapter, which is partly why we’re separating it into two discussions, is because there’s a lot to talk about here. But the fifth film is so tight, and it manages to convey pretty much everything character-wise just by having an injured on the mend Mr. Weasley show up at Christmas dinner and raise a glass to Harry.

Andrew: Right.

Eric: And that one little moment, which takes place over 30 seconds, completely covers everything to do with the hospital, minus the Neville subplot for the rest of this book, so I thought it was really clever.

Micah: But isn’t one of those scenes actually deleted?

Eric: I’m not sure about that.

Andrew: We’d have to look it up.

Micah: I believe it’s a deleted scene.

Eric: In the hospital?

Micah: No, no, no, one of the Christmas scenes.

Eric: Oh, interesting.

Micah: But anyway. But I also don’t like hearing about budget, because you’re talking about the highest-grossing film franchise of all time – maybe not anymore, with Star Wars – but the point being they have money, okay?

Andrew: [laughs] I think it has to do with time.

Micah: I agree.

Andrew: But look, if we ever get a Harry Potter television adaptation, they’re going to have all the time and money in the world, and we can go to St. Mungo’s. And then they’re going to do a backdoor pilot, and we’re going to get a St. Mungo’s television series, like Grey’s Anatomy or Chicago Medical.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: Those shows are hits.

Eric: They are hits. There was, I want to say, a miniseries about the Healers; it was a fan…

Andrew: I think you’re right.

Eric: … yeah, which was so cool, and I’m pretty sure it should be available by now, streaming. I think it was a couple years ago I heard that they were funding for it. But yeah, so there’s a lot here in St. Mungo’s, and that’s the kind of thing I think a television series – to your point, Andrew – would really relish being able to do, because there’s all sorts of people. Harry is on a quest; they’re going to see Mr. Weasley, but there’s all sorts of people that are just injured that are in the waiting area and in the lobby, not sure where to go. There’s a man whose shoes are eating his feet and he can’t help but dance around. There’s a woman who is behaving like a tea kettle.

Andrew: The cool thing about St. Mungo’s and visiting it is it shows us everything that can go wrong, and when we touch on the departments in a couple of minutes, it really breaks down just how many issues come up with magic. But to talk about Mungo’s in general, since this is our initial introduction to the hospital in the Harry Potter books, we had a couple of other questions. First of all – and I think these two are pretty related – how is it funded? And do wizards have health insurance? These are things that J.K. Rowling never actually talks about. Presumably, it’s funded by taxpayers; now, we know we never… I don’t think J.K. Rowling has ever said if wizards pay taxes, but you would think so, because this money’s got to come from somewhere.

Laura: Yeah, I feel like this is probably intended to be similar to the British National Health Service. I mean, she’s probably basing it off of the Muggle equivalent.

Andrew: And for us dumb Americans, what is so great about the National Health Service?

Laura: Oh, I’m not super well versed on it, [laughs] but effectively, people pay taxes and then they don’t have to pay out the nose to go to the doctor.

Andrew: Yeah, exactly. That’s the bottom line.

Laura: Right.

Andrew: Something we’d love to see in America, maybe.

Eric: Well, but we know that Lucius Malfoy also funds St. Mungo’s, or contributes to the Community Chest for St. Mungo’s Hospital, and that kind of has a…

Micah: What a guy.

Eric: Yeah, there’s kind of a little weird connotation there about what a current and active Death Eater being one of the main – or the only – people that we know that is giving money to this institution.

Andrew: So St. Mungo’s has a Patreon, kind of?

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Micah: Well, yeah, the Fountain of Magical Brethren.

Eric: Oh, yeah.

Laura: Yeah, most hospitals do. I mean, hospitals have donors.

Andrew: Right, right. Yeah, and then you get your name in a brick or something like that.

Laura: Right, you get a medical building named after you.

Andrew: Yeah, or a MuggleCast mug.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Various benefits.

Micah: Don’t forget, Harry donates at the beginning of this book.

Eric: Oh, yeah. That’s right. He says, “If I get out of this hearing, I’m going to chuck a Galleon or whatever into the…”

Micah: He empties his whole bag, though, doesn’t he?

Eric: Oh, that’s right, that’s right, that’s right. He does. So it’s very doctor’s office-y, kind of. There’s people reading old magazines, old copies of Witch Weekly. But the one thing that kind of follows the thread of Lucius Malfoy donating to the hospital is security at this hospital is kind of a joke. There’s not a formal check-in process.

Micah: Uh-oh, Andrew.

Eric: I know, Andrew, prep the clip. But there’s not a formal check-in process. There is a main desk, but it’s a disinterested blonde witch. There’s a giant sign telling you where you need to go, and she will kind of tell you if you’re still confused, but there’s… Harry did not need to say his name. The Weasleys didn’t need to check in. It’s not like the Ministry, where you need a badge to get you through. They can presumably… they’re told just to go to the floor that they need based on their ailment and show up.

Andrew: This is outrageous! This sounds like a…

[“It’s starting to sound like a security nightmare!” sound effect plays with sirens]

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: I got mad that time.

Micah: You really did.

Eric: [laughs] You really did! But Bode… I mean, Harry bumps into the would-be murderer of Bode in this lobby; he’s just going up to… he’s asking what ward he’s… I mean, this is a nightmare.

Andrew: Maybe there’s some underlying magic that’s keeping everybody in check. But yeah, it does sound like it’s another security nightmare! It’s just a thread of the series.

Eric: Yeah, and I wonder how much of it… I mean, at Hogwarts, I tend to think a lot of the security issues are for humor or strictly because of plot, but in this case, it might represent something a little bit more akin to innocence of the government, right? They don’t… because nobody’s been assassinated in the hospital wing before, presumably, that they don’t know to expect it, which is poor planning in terms of whoever’s running security. All the Aurors should know better. But yeah, also, we know from a future chapter that Gilderoy Lockhart is in here still, and wouldn’t people just be able to come and visit him without…? Wouldn’t he get mobbed, basically, if word ever got out? Because there’s no security; there’s no door person or anything else.

Andrew: Well, maybe there is, because he’s not getting mobbed.

Eric: Yeah. So pretty interesting stuff.

Micah: I don’t know how the National Health System really works in the UK, but to me, this just sounds like an overcrowded emergency room or an overcrowded arrival area, which isn’t uncommon here in the United States, where you just have people waiting around to see doctors.

Laura: Yeah, I don’t think it’s uncommon anywhere, to be honest with you, because I’ve also lived in… I didn’t live in the UK, but I lived in a country that had an equivalent of the National Health Service, and even though you had great doctors and you didn’t have to pay crazy amounts of money to see the doctor, you still had to wait. [laughs] It’s every emergency room scenario that you imagine, where you walk in and there’s people with various ailments just sitting there waiting to see the doctor.

Micah: Yeah, and so that begs the question, is this really the visitor’s entrance, or is this the emergency entrance? And are they the same?

Eric: Yeah. I mean, they didn’t make Arthur Weasley stand in line here.

Micah: Yeah, where did he go when he came? He didn’t come through the window, did he?

Eric: Well…

Andrew: Maybe they Portkeyed him or something, straight to where he needed to go.

Eric: [laughs] Oh, God, a Portkey would make it worse. Can you imagine being tugged in your belly when you have broken ribs?

Andrew: Probably not a good way to bring him in. How about those Healers, though? We don’t see any of the characters in Cursed Child go on to become Healers, so one wonders how they do become Healers. I mean, we don’t… there’s really no physical education class in Hogwarts to learn about the body.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Eric: You don’t once see Madam Pomfrey taking on an assistant or an intern. It would be cool if there were interns that were out of Hogwarts but went back to Hogwarts to intern for Madam Pomfrey in the hospital wing, and you’d get a sense that there’s some kind of tertiary education for Healers.

Andrew: But you did spot an assistant of sorts, Laura?

Laura: Yeah, so there is a Trainee Healer that’s mentioned in this chapter – I don’t have their name – but it’s on the ward that Mr. Weasley is in. There’s a plaque that shows who the Healer on call is, and then it also references a Trainee Healer who’s working with that person. So I’m guessing it’s some kind of apprenticeship program that gets people up to speed on this.

Andrew: Yeah, and we’ll learn more about this in the spinoff series.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Let’s talk about the departments at St. Mungo’s. So we have the ground floor, “Artifact Accidents.” Cauldron explosion, wand backfiring, and broom crashes. First floor, “Creature-Induced Injuries,” like bites, stings, burns, embedded spines. [shudders] God.

Laura: How does that happen? [laughs]

Andrew: What does that mean? Like, your spine is…?

Micah: What creature does that?

Andrew: What does that mean? A spine is twisted in a knot or something?

Eric: It must be common enough, because it’s one of the four categories of this whole floor. [laughs]

Andrew: I’m going to Google it and probably regret this.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: I see a lot of cactus in this image search for some reason. All right, moving on. Second floor, “Magical Bugs.” Contagious maladies like Dragon Pox, Vanishing Sickness, and Scrofungulus. Sounds fabulous.

Micah: Sounds delicious.

Eric: I’m fascinated by Vanishing Sickness.

Laura: Yeah, me too. [laughs]

Andrew: What would that be like?

Eric: Like Marty McFly in Back to the Future, where you’re just slowly untethering from existence?

Andrew: Oh, you feel sick from… I see, yeah.

Eric: Something like that.

Andrew: Third floor is “Potion and Plant Poisoning,” like rashes, regurgitation, uncontrollable giggling. [laughs] So when that… Gillywater, is it called?

Eric: Oh, yeah.

Andrew: Yeah, when that gets out of control, I guess? The fourth floor, “Spell Damage.” Unliftable jinxes, hexes, and incorrectly applied charms. And finally, the fifth floor is the visitors’ tea room and hospital shop, so you can get a T-shirt to remember your visit. Exit through the gift shop, please.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Where are the Mungo’s mugs and shirts and hoodies and backpacks in the theme parks?

Andrew: Well, luckily, nobody needs to go through the hospital there. Nobody’s flown off of Hagrid’s Magical Creatures Motorbike Adventure yet, so they don’t need the hospital.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: Isn’t it weird you have to go all the way to the top to get to the rest area?

Andrew: Yeah, it seems kind of backwards. I don’t know if the Wizarding World theme parks need a hospital land, because the parks are supposed to be escape from the bad things.

Eric: Well, it just… I was joking that they go above and beyond to do the travel agency of the wizarding world, and Hogwarts Railways has its own brand logo, and you know that’s not a thing because the Hogwarts Express only goes one place, but they do it anyway. So I’m like, “Well, they missed a merch opportunity.”

Micah: So does Globus Mundi, right?

Andrew: Globus Mundi, yeah, that travel agency.

Micah: And we don’t even know what that is.

Andrew: It’s in the park. We don’t know why they bothered with all this Globus Mundi. I bought a hoodie just to be on the cutting edge, but kind of regretting buying that because it serves no purpose.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: We thought it might have to do with Fantastic Beasts, but it didn’t.

Eric: Well, not yet. You would think that J.K. Rowling, who came up with the logo – it’s a wand and a bone intercrossed – she’s given them pretty much all you could hope for in having a logo to come up with to put on merchandise, and they haven’t done it yet. So who knows?

Micah: Well, WB, if you’re listening – Universal, if you’re listening – pay Eric some royalties.

Laura: We would like a 10% cut, please.

Eric: Of all St. Mungo’s merch.

Andrew: If we were wizards and witches, which floor do we think we would end up on, inevitably?

Laura: Oh, definitely the third floor.

Andrew: Potion and Plant Poisoning?

Laura: Yeah, for the uncontrollable giggling.

Andrew: Aww.

Laura: I’d have too much Gillywater and just…

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: I would probably crash my broom a lot.

Andrew: Yeah. I lack patience, so I would probably mess up spells quite often, because I feel like they take focus and they’re very delicate to perform, so I feel like I’d be screwing them up a lot. So I would end up on maybe the fourth floor, the Spell Damage floor.

Micah: For me… well, I kind of agree with Eric with the broom crashing. I don’t know how good I would be at that. Took me a while to learn to ride my bike, so I can only imagine what a broom would be like.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: Yeah, yeah. I would be in traffic court for broomsticks. I know that’s not St. Mungo’s, but I’ve been to real traffic court, [laughs] so I just know that from a broomstick perspective, I’d be in the same place.

Andrew: We know that you love wearing your Hogwarts robes. Do you ever walk around with a broom as well?

Eric: I don’t. You know, no broom has given me the sufficient lift that I crave.

Andrew: Why don’t you try that vibrating broom that they used to sell?

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Those are, like, three feet tall, flat. I will say, Micah, you and I at LeakyCon came across Peter, the Potter Collector, and he had the new… I think it was… was it a Firebolt or a Nimbus broom? And it looked real snazzy.

Micah: Yeah.

Andrew: [laughs] I’m on eBay. You can buy a new-in-box Harry Potter vibrating broomstick. On the box, it says, “Jump on broom. Fly me.” This little kid riding it.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Yeah, I don’t think you’d want a used version of that.

Eric: No.

Laura: Who thought that was a good idea?

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: The broom that Peter had was the first broom that I said, “I actually want this.”

Andrew: Just a reminder, my birthday is coming up in about two months, and I would love an unopened vibrating broomstick.

Laura: Okay, we’ll bear it in mind.

Eric: How much is it on eBay?

Andrew: $120.

Laura: Yeah, we could split that three ways.

Eric: Ehh…

Micah: All right.

Andrew: You can use the MuggleCast debit card, maybe, too. I can do a review of it.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Micah: Yeah, but…

Laura: I don’t know. Maybe that should be for…

Micah: Can you put that on social media? I don’t think so.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: I think that review should go on Millennial. I don’t think it would be appropriate for this show.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Micah: Tend to agree there. Let’s talk a little bit about Broderick Bode. I know, Eric, you mentioned him earlier, but he has a visitor that just works his way right past the inquiry witch, and there’s no security, to your point. And this is a little just drop, a little bit of a mention on the part of J.K. Rowling about somebody going to visit him, and we obviously learn later that he’s murdered while at St. Mungo’s, and we know that he, of course, is in this position to begin with because he was Imperiused by Death Eaters. So it’s just really disconcerting, because what if that person wanted to go visit Arthur?

Eric: Yeah, yeah. And don’t they do it with a plant? It’s like, a secret Venomous Tentacular, something like that? And it’s just… and so some Healer is just like, “Oh, it’s a potted plant. That’s cute; you brought your person flowers. We’ll put it by his bedside,” and then it’s a perfect cover story because in the middle of the night, it just strangles him, and you’re just like, “Oh, crap.” It just goes to show that they’re completely unprepared. They don’t take security seriously.

Micah: Well, not only that, I mean… and I don’t know that we ever learn who this person actually is that drops off the plant; could be totally wrong. But it’s mentioned that they have a trumpeted ear, or an ear trumpet; I forget exactly how it’s described. But shame on Moody, Tonks, as Aurors, that this person is literally standing right next to Harry, and they have absolutely no clue either. So I think the Order is a security nightmare, to be honest with you.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Eric: Let’s start awarding security nightmare points to various characters and places.

Andrew: [laughs] Well, if we reboot Chapter by Chapter, we can just keep a tally of all the security nightmares across the entire wizarding world.

Eric: Oh my God.

Micah: When we finally do go see Arthur, it’s mentioned that he’s in the Dai Llewellyn ward, and “Dangerous” Dai Llewellyn was a very famous Welsh wizard and Quidditch player for the Caerphilly – hopefully that’s how you say it – Catapults, and was noted for the risks he took during a match. Now, despite all these risks, that’s not how he ended up tragically passing. He died when he was eaten by a chimaera while on holiday in Greece, and his death resulted in a day of national mourning for all Welsh witches and wizards.

Eric: [laughs] So they’re going to the ward for serious bites, and Dai Llewellyn, this famous Quidditch player, was eaten alive by a chimaera. Pretty sick, but completely fitting with Jo’s humor. And here’s something else: So that bio, I’m pretty sure, actually comes across in Quidditch Through the Ages.

Micah: It does.

Eric: That book that J.K. Rowling wrote in 2000 for Comic Relief, and here is one of the very few references to J.K. Rowling’s other collected works in a regular, main Harry Potter book, and I flippin’ love it. I can’t get enough of this inter-connectivity.

Micah: And Laura touched on this earlier when she mentioned Healer-in-Charge; the name of the Healer-in-Charge is Hippocrates Smethwyck, and I just thought this was a nice name origin on the part of J.K. Rowling, given that Hippocrates is considered to be the father of modern medicine. So Arthur Weasley is in good hands if the first name of this Healer-in-Charge is any indication.

Laura: It’s just classic JKR.

Andrew: Arthur’s wounds, we learn, won’t close up due to the type of snake bite that he has, so he needs to stay in the hospital a little bit longer, and they’re continuing to give him blood-replenishing meds.

Eric: Yeah, the thing here is I want to know why specifically the wounds won’t close. We get it; Nagini is an unknown species of snake, but I wondered, is the specific reason that the Healers of St. Mungo’s…? This is your first line of defense against pretty much anything out there. Why don’t the Healers find – or can’t they find – an antidote? Is it because Nagini is a special type of snake, either that she’s the only person we know who is living with a Horcrux willingly, that there’s some kind of Dark Magic or curse in her bite as a result of that, or is it because she’s a Maledictus as well? What exactly about it prevents the Healers from being able to see to Mr. Weasley completely?

Andrew: I think it’s a hint that this is a big threat for Harry. I think that’s just J.K. Rowling’s implication. And like you said, this is a unique creature that they haven’t had to deal with before.

Micah: I thought that when Dumbledore sent away Fawkes earlier in the chapter that was going to be to come cure Mr. Weasley…

Eric: Ohh.

Micah: … because Fawkes has a history of healing snake bites.

Andrew: Oh, yeah.

Eric: Oh my God! That’s a huge plot hole, actually.

Laura: Yeah, come on, Dumbledore.

Andrew: You see this phoenix fly into St. Mungo’s; maybe that would have been a little much?

Eric: It doesn’t even need to go to St. Mungo’s. It could go straight to the Ministry and just cry on Arthur.

Andrew and Laura: Yeah.

Laura: And it doesn’t need to fly into St. Mungo’s. It can Apparate, right? Just appear.

Micah: To spy on Umbridge.

Andrew: Well, I mean, the presence of a phoenix in St. Mungo’s would have been a little odd. Maybe if they couldn’t have patched him up after a couple weeks.

Eric: Wait, why don’t they just have a team of phoenixes as Healers at St. Mungo’s, and they just cry on the wounds and heal everybody?

Andrew: There you go.

Eric: This is a huge plot hole.

Laura: Well, I think they’re incredibly rare, so I don’t know if they could have a team of them.

Andrew: Breed ’em. I know a guy in Oklahoma who may be up for the task.

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Laura: I was going to say, Andrew, you sounded like you were from my parts just then. [in a southern accent] “Breed ’em.”

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: Wow.

Andrew: Joe Exotic, I think he can make some phoenixes.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: Oh, man.

Andrew: Everybody – well, adults – please watch the new Netflix series, Tiger King. It’s the best thing I’ve ever watched.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: It’s pretty amazing. But I think as with anything now, with Nagini, we can look back with the knowledge that she is a Maledictus, but I don’t know that that necessarily, at the time J.K. Rowling was writing Order of the Phoenix, was factored into the equation. I think it’s more because she is a Horcrux and she’s carrying this Dark Magic inside of her, and kind of similar to how we’ve seen other Horcruxes, already with the diary, but now even more so as we head into Half-Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows, I just think they have this added effect, and that’s probably what was causing Mr. Weasley to not be able to heal up right away.

Andrew: Well, speaking of werewolves – we just mentioned them a couple minutes ago – Arthur has a werewolf neighbor.

Micah: I just found it highly coincidental that Arthur mentions that Bill was just in to see him and visit him at his bedside, and that he has this werewolf neighbor. Just… maybe not foreshadowing; that’s not the right term. But Bill just leaves. The werewolf gets mentioned. I don’t know.

Andrew: It’s a nice peek into all of the things that can go wrong in the wizarding world. And it’s kind of scary to know that somebody who was just bitten by a werewolf is in bed in the same room as you.

Eric: And threatening to bite you. [laughs]

Andrew: Yeah. I mean, he does it jokingly, right? But you don’t know what’s going to happen.

Laura: Yeah. Well, and we see Mrs. Weasley express some concern about this, being like, “Well, Arthur, is it safe for him to be in this room with you?” And I think that’s really interesting, given the fact that we’ve talked on the show before about how werewolves could be a representation of people who suffer from blood-born illnesses in the Muggle world, and how those people are so often socially shunned and discriminated against. And Molly is, of course, super well meaning, and it would never be her intention to discriminate against somebody, but I think this is an example of how fear can motivate people to say or do things that they might not necessarily agree with under normal circumstances.

Andrew: Yeah, agreed.

Eric: I just love that Arthur is pretty much being a Chatty Cathy. He loves it there. He’s reading the paper when they come in. He’s been talking to the werewolf, trying to cheer him up; didn’t really work, oops, oh well. He’s kind of really in his stride right now.

Andrew: Isn’t he being a Chatty Cathy to keep the kids from asking him what happened and where he was, exactly? Because he’s refusing to tell his kids. The kids are trying to find out. Harry really isn’t pressing it because, well, he lived it. He’s not answering their questions, and it’s a little disturbing if you’re a child and you want to avoid the same fate. I mean, for all they know, Arthur was just out gardening and a snake attacked him.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: It’s a pretty big snake.

Andrew: Yeah! Well, and so you should tell your kids… I don’t know. I get why he’s not telling the kids, but at the same time, if this was my dad and he had just been attacked, I would want to know everything, and I feel like I would deserve to know everything.

Eric and Micah: Yeah.

Micah: And the twins are the ones that really push it, and it reminds me of scenes in the movies with Arthur where he is trying to give information but then he gets the eye from Molly, and so he pulls back and goes in a different direction, and I feel like there was a lot of that. And I know… I think it’s Fred who ultimately pushes to the point of saying, “Were you guarding the thing that he’s after?” And that was just kind of end of conversation right there.

Andrew: So Arthur does happily bring up the case of the regurgitating toilets, which are brought up earlier in this book, and it turns out it was Willy Widdershins. I believe we had spoiled that earlier in our Chapter by Chapter series; sorry for anybody who wanted to… was in suspense. [laughs] But yeah, so Arthur is just trying to steer the conversation away and talk about Muggle things like toilets.

Micah: Yeah. And not only that, I mean, I think Willy is responsible for some doorknobs that have bit people, and those people are in St. Mungo’s, Muggles. And I just love how despite everything that’s going on, Arthur is over the moon about Muggles being in St. Mungo’s, and he wants to meet them.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: He literally wants to get out of bed and go and find them and just kick it and have a conversation with them. It’s amazing.

Laura: I mean, they’re going to have their memories wiped, right? So who cares?

Andrew: So the kids are kicked out of the room, and the adults have a talk with Arthur, and of course, the twins set up the Extendable Ears to tune in to the conversation. And Moody floats the idea that Harry might be possessed by Voldemort, and that’s where the chapter ends. Very terrifying, and it probably checks out for Harry, because he just saw through Voldemort’s snake.

Laura: Yeah, and he’s having to hear this alongside his friends who are hearing it, too, and he rips the Extendable Ear out as though that’s going to stop everybody from hearing what’s going on. This is such a cliffhanger.

Andrew: And of course, not entirely accurate, so at least there’s that. But at the moment for the reader, it’s pretty terrifying.

Eric and Micah: Yeah.

Micah: And the fact that Moody says that “We’ve always known the Potter kid is a little off.”

Andrew: Ouch.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Dude. First off, look in the mirror, bro.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: Secondly, you have a magical eye and you don’t see these Extendable Ears?

Andrew: I guess he’s just not looking that way.

Eric: Maybe he doesn’t care. Maybe he’s happy to insult Harry to his face right through the door. [laughs]

Micah: I think he’s still loving that bowler hat that he was wearing to St. Mungo’s earlier on in the chapter, and it’s just still tilted over the eye so he can’t see anything.

Laura: Yeah, you know what? I think it just makes him feel sassy, too.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Sassy Mad-Eye.

Andrew: Was it irresponsible of Arthur to not have a talk with Harry after this? Because he doesn’t, as far as we can remember. I just… Harry deserves an explanation here.

Eric: But Arthur doesn’t have the info, really, to be able to give the explanation, right? It’s really Dumbledore who’s the only person who can explain what’s going on, Dumbledore who’s working behind the scenes with a cover story to explain why Arthur was down there, and Dumbledore waits till after Christmas break to bring in Occlumency and tell Harry, “This is what we need to do moving forward.” Dumbledore, should, I think, have made an appearance trying to explain things a little sooner than he does.

Micah: Agree.

Andrew: I just really feel like Harry is owed some extra information at this point. Sit in on that little adult chat; let him do that, at least, but just leave out the part where Harry might be possessed by Voldemort. I don’t know. He’s owed some information here. It’s really unfair.

Micah: I’m actually surprised that Harry is willing to do the Extendable Ears in this situation. I don’t know if it’s a bit of… I know it says he grins when he learns that he’s actually going to be a part of it, because it seems like Fred and George are cool with him now; I don’t know that they ever weren’t, but at least in his mind, there was some hesitation there. I’m just surprised that… I mean, what does he think he’s going to overhear? What does he think that is going to be said? I mean, it’s almost expected, for the most part, how this conversation plays out given what we know as readers, so I’m just surprised that Harry allows this to happen, because it just seemed like a foregone conclusion that they were going to hear that Harry was inside the snake when it happened.

Laura: Maybe he thought that they were going to give more details about what Mr. Weasley was doing.

Andrew: Yeah, where he was.

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Laura: These are all adults that he, for the most part, trusts. I don’t know if I would say he trusts Mad-Eye; I think he’s afraid of him. But I don’t think that he imagines that, in a conversation between the adults in his life about him, that something like, “Well, we always knew there was something off about the Potter kid…” I don’t think he imagined that being said.

Micah: And not only that; we learn that Molly had a conversation with Dumbledore that morning about him. I just… to me, for him to have to hear all of this, on top of the fact that it’s going to be revealed that he was in Nagini’s head, mind, whatever when this all happened, it’s a lot to take on, because he still feels isolated by these very people that are in this room having this conversation, because Dumbledore won’t man up and have a conversation with him. I don’t know.

Andrew: It’s not that he has to man up. He’s trying to keep his distance so Voldemort doesn’t know, right? We spoke about that last week.

Micah: Yeah, but again, Harry is 15. He’s a kid.

Andrew: I know. It’s unfair, Micah. I agree.

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: But this is just the cards that we’ve been dealt.

Micah: Yeah, that is fair. That is true. I just feel like Harry probably has the biggest knot in his stomach at the end of this chapter. And one thing, though, I did want to go back to the beginning of this part of the chapter, because I thought that it was… you were talking about Moody just before and how Harry is afraid of him, and I think it’s quite the opposite with Tonks, despite the fact that he doesn’t want to have a conversation with her at the time about what happened. She asks him, “Do you have any Seer blood in your family?” But then she says that basically, the experience that he had could be very helpful, and I thought that was just, again, a nice little nugget on the part of J.K. Rowling to show how while Voldemort obviously takes advantage of this in this book, Harry’s ability to connect with Voldemort on this level does prove very helpful by the end of the series.

Eric: Yeah, Tonks kind of… again, it’s probably just she’s so recently been off Auror training, but they probably teach you to use as much as you can to your advantage, even if it is a perceived complication or obstacle.

Andrew: All right, so the Umbridge Suck count remains unchanged at 49 because she makes no appearances in this half of the chapter.


Connecting the Threads


Laura: All right, well, that takes us to connecting the threads, and actually, I just thought… I have two here for this half of the chapter, but while we were just talking about Harry listening to a discussion being had about him in St. Mungo’s, it made me think of a third one.

Eric: Oh no.

Laura: Sorry, Eric.

Andrew: Oh, yes!

Micah: What do you mean, “Oh no”?

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Laura works very hard on this section every week.

Eric: I know, I know, I know, but do you mean the Three Broomsticks convo, Laura?

Laura: No?

Eric: Oh, you don’t? Because they’re talking about Harry being Sirius Black’s godson in the Three Broomsticks in Prisoner of Azkaban.

Laura: Oh. No, so that, I think, you could make a connection there. But I was thinking about this happening in a hospital and healthcare type setting. So actually, at the end of Prisoner of Azkaban, after Harry, Hermione, and Sirius are attacked by the Dementors but before the Time-Turner sequence, Harry is lying unconscious in the hospital, and he comes to as he’s hearing Snape and Fudge talking about him. And Snape is talking… Snape is being very disparaging about Harry.

Eric: Yep.

Laura: And Fudge isn’t really doing much to quell any of what Snape is saying, other than to say, “Oh, well, we’ve always had a blind spot as far as the Potter boy is concerned.” So there’s this kind of implicit acknowledgement that, “Yeah, Harry is a little weird.”

[Eric laughs]

Laura: And that’s what’s happening here. Nobody really confronts Mad-Eye and says, “That’s a terrible thing to say.” Everybody’s kind of like, “Yeah, yeah, you’re right.” But I thought that was just a fun little connection. In terms of some other threads, we have the werewolf connection here, of course. So Arthur, to his roommate, is like, “You know, one of my best friends is a werewolf.”

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Laura: And he doesn’t drop any names, but he’s using that connection to try and foster some kind of conversation with his roommate in order to show that he’s like, “I get it; I know what you’re going through.” And then contrastingly, in Prisoner of Azkaban, Snape, when he’s having to lecture on behalf of Lupin, lectures about werewolves, and also assigns the class an essay about werewolves in an effort to really try and drive the students to understand what Lupin is. So in both of these cases, Lupin’s identity is leveraged for some kind of gain; I think in Arthur’s case, it’s very innocent, but it’s leveraged nevertheless. And then we have Harry’s paranoia, especially as it relates to creatures. So in Prisoner of Azkaban over the course of the book, Harry is just becoming increasingly paranoid about his connection to the Grim and why this Grim keeps popping up, and why nobody else sees it, and what it means. And then in Order of the Phoenix, Harry has this very singular experience of viewing the attack on Mr. Weasley from the perspective of Nagini, which nobody else has seen, nobody else really quite understands, and it really serves to isolate him and further drive his paranoia about what his connection to this creature is, just like he did in Prisoner of Azkaban with the Grim.

Andrew: Yeah, interesting. Thank you for sharing those.


MVP of the Week


Andrew: Okay, it’s time for MVP of the Week.

[MVP of the Week music plays]

Andrew: I’m going to give mine to the different departments for really having it together at the hospital, so you walk in there and you know exactly where to go, and they can take care of the issues that you’re having. So good job, St. Mungo’s departments.

Eric: Yeah, I’m going to give it to Dilys Derwent. We saw her more in the first half of this chapter, but she gives Harry a little wink as he walks through the atrium, and she was responsible for alerting the Healers that made it in time to save Arthur’s life.

Micah: I’m going to give it to the inquiry witch. I know she got some shade thrown her way earlier on in this chapter discussion.

Eric: Yeah, she’s useless! [laughs]

Micah: No, she’s running point on all the traffic flow that is coming in through the emergency/visitors entrance, so kudos to you, inquiry witch.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Laura: Emergency/visitors. I’m going to give mine to George; it was his idea to pull out the Extendable Ears. He’s working on the pacing, you know? He’s pushing the story along.


Rename the Chapter


Andrew: All right, and let’s rename the chapter now. Order of the Phoenix Chapter 22, “Part Two.”

Eric: [laughs] Very meta there, Andrew.

Andrew: Sorry.

Eric: Yeah, we did this twice now because we did it last week. But yeah, so instead of naming it the long title, “St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries,” I just shortened it: “At Mungo’s.”

Andrew: I was actually… it’s funny you bring that up because I was just looking at the physical copy of Order of the Phoenix, and that chapter title barely fits in the header of this book.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: If it was two or three more words, they would have had to reformat this entire book to make that chapter title fit. It’s got to be one of the longest ones in the series.

Micah: Yeah, definitely. I went with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 22, “Bad Eye, Moody.”

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: He misses the Death Eater and he misses the Extendable Ears.

Eric: Oh, man.

Andrew: Some eye.

Micah: Should have been Bad-Eye Doody.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Laura: Useless. Security nightmare. I went with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 22, “Magicare for all.”

Eric: Aww.

Micah: Love it.

Andrew: [in a booming voice] “Magicare for all! Vote for me!”

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: If you have any feedback about today’s discussion, or you have a question about Chapter 23 of Order of the Phoenix, send it on in; MuggleCast@gmail.com, or you can use the contact form on MuggleCast.com. You can also send us a voice memo. Please do that; we love hearing from you. Just record a message using the Voice Memo app that’s already built into your phone and then email that file to MuggleCast@gmail.com. Just try to record in a quiet place and keep your message about 60 seconds long. No longer than that, please.

Micah: Now, am I wrong, or is the next chapter the Lockhart/Longbottom at St. Mungo’s piece?

Laura: Yes, I believe so.

Micah: That’s the real interesting part about St. Mungo’s. In my opinion, anyway.

Andrew: Okay.

Micah: But this discussion was great. I’m not trying to… anyway.

Andrew: It was fun.

Micah: Quizzitch.


Quizzitch


Andrew: It’s time for Quizzitch.

[Quizzitch music plays]

Eric: Last week’s question: What color robes do the Healers of St. Mungo’s wear? Well, as of this chapter, it turns out they’re lime green. Correct answers were submitted by Arrogant Luck, Megan, Viyana, Sarah Russe, Caleb, Samwise, Jenny Beez, Cassie Drake, Catherine Jones, Terri Gan, Kate Young, and Meg writes in and says the robes are “as lime green as Billy Eilish’s hair.”

Andrew: [laughs] It’s just become a big trend. Everybody’s going with that look now; I see it out on the streets.

Eric: Yeah, I saw it in a Snapchat filter the other day.

Andrew: Wow. Who needs to color your hair when you could just use the Snapchat filter?

Eric: Right? So much cheaper.

Andrew: Looking at you, Laura.

[silence]

Andrew: Laura went to the bathroom.

Laura: I did not. [laughs]

Andrew: Oh.

Eric: Salons are closed anyway, so it’s probably for the best.

Andrew: There you go. [laughs]

Laura: Yeah, exactly.

Micah: Just say, “Evanesco.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Oh, man.

Micah: It’s all gone, right?

Laura: Yep.

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Micah: Anyway.

Eric: So next week’s question…

Micah: Speaking of gifts.

Eric: What does Harry get Ron for Christmas in year five? Going to find out next chapter.

Andrew: Do you follow us on social media? We are @MuggleCast on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. Not only do you get show previews, show clips, fun Harry Potter content that we find online, but you will also be notified about future live events that we do for the public, including those Quizzitch Live matches that we hope to do more of in the weeks and months ahead. That was just so much fun, and it was just so different from what we normally do. We’ve got to do that again in the future, so we will. We would also love your support at Patreon.com/MuggleCast. We’ve gotten a lot of new patrons recently, and it makes us feel so good, and we’re having fun recording personalized messages to each of you as you pledge. So visit Patreon.com/MuggleCast, and once you pledge and you pledge at that Dumbledore’s Army level or higher, you will have access to years of bonus MuggleCast and all kinds of other bonus content. If you can’t pledge at the Dumbledore’s Army level, there is a lower level, and that will get you access to our livestreams. Thanks, everybody who is tuned in right now listening to this unfiltered, unedited version of the show. It’s a lot of fun, because you get to hear us trying to make it through an episode, [laughs] and the bloopers that come along with that, and our pre-show banter and our post-show banter, and there’s a little chatroom so you can chat with fellow listeners and us as we are recording. So no matter…

Micah: Andrew, you sound like my Bonjoro video.

Andrew: Oh, nice. I’ll have to tune in to some of those, those personalized videos that you’re recording for our patrons. So thanks again. Patreon.com/MuggleCast. We really appreciate your support. And that does it for this week’s episode of MuggleCast. I’m Andrew.

Eric: I’m Eric.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: Bye, everybody.

Eric, Laura, and Micah: Bye.

Transcript #458

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #458, Portrait Party (OOTP 22, St. Mungo’s, Part 1)


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into J.K. Rowling’s Wizarding World. I’m Andrew.

Eric Scull: I’m Eric.

Micah Tannenbaum: I’m Micah.

Laura Tee: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: And we’re in some weird times right now, and we hosted a livestream earlier this week just to check in on all of our lovely listeners and that was a lot of fun, so if you haven’t checked that out yet, please do; you will find it linked in our social media channels and in the show notes of today’s episode. I hope everybody’s doing okay, and hope everybody’s enjoying the podcast right now as we get through this stressful time. I think… well, at least three of us are working from home now, right, Laura and Micah?

Laura and Micah: Yeah.

Andrew: How’s that like for you guys?

Laura: I think it’s going to get old.

Micah: Yeah.

Laura: It’s been okay.

Micah: Andrew, I will say, I have a deeper appreciation for you now, too.

Laura: Yep.

Andrew: Aww, in what way?

Micah: Well, you work from home on the regular. This is not easy.

Andrew: Yeah. But now everybody knows how much it sucks.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: It’s a challenge, though, because I mean, depending on what your situation is – whether you’re in a house, you’re in an apartment, how many people live with you – it’s hard to not blur the line between your work and your personal. And yeah, it’s tough.

Andrew: Exactly. Yeah, I completely agree with that. So for that reason, for all of you who are now working from home, hopefully you are dealing with it okay. If you need any tips, maybe hit us up on social media. We can try to provide some.

Micah: I noticed at the top of the show you said, “J.K. Rowling’s Wizarding World.” I haven’t heard you say that in quite some time. Is she back in your good graces now?

Andrew: She never left my good graces. I know one thing that is soothing the four of us right now: We received some candles from one of our listeners, Devin. Devin really came through for us, because a couple months ago now, we were talking about the Hog’s Head and what it smells like. And Devin, as it turns out, is a candle-maker, and he can make any type of candle, any type of scent, so he sent Micah a candle that smells like goats.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: And it smells fantastic, by the way. I just want to let you know.

Andrew: Really?

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Describe the smell for us.

Micah: Well… let’s do this right now. I have it right here. It’s not lit. It’s almost like a minty type of smell? Maybe I got it wrong. Devin probably would be able to tell you exactly what’s in it, but on the outside it does have a picture of Aberforth…

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: … and a screaming goat.

Andrew: Really!

Micah: It has a goat that is looking like it’s in some sort of distress, and there’s a lot of effects around its head.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Wow.

Micah: But Aberforth is at least six feet away from the goat…

Andrew: Oh!

Micah: … so he is practicing social distancing.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: Perfect. Please take a picture and send that to us immediately, because I really need to see this label. So thank you…

Micah: Do you want me to light the candle? I’ll light the candle.

Andrew: Yeah, yeah, please.

Eric: We all got candles from Devin.

Andrew: Yeah, mine smells like butterbeer, and it smells great.

Laura: Yeah, mine smells like pumpkin juice. It smells really, really good.

Eric: And I got one that has Harry’s birthday cake on it from Hagrid.

Andrew: That’s awesome. That’s awesome. So thank you, Devin; it was really nice receiving those.


News


Andrew: So yeah, a lot of things are changing in light of the Coronavirus pandemic, and last week, we spoke about Fantastic Beasts 3 still planning on filming. Well, the day after we recorded, they decided that they were not going to proceed with shooting, so the film has been delayed again. Of course, it was delayed last year when they decided to work on the script longer, so now this is the second time it’s been delayed. Who knows when Fantastic Beasts 3 and every other Hollywood production will resume shooting? It could be a long time from now. It could be a month from now. We don’t know. If production is paused for a few more months, they could very well push that November ’21 release date for the movie, because they’re going to have to spend a lot of time on special effects and, of course, shooting the movie.

Eric: Yep.

Micah: The other thing that you had brought up when we did the live show that I thought was really smart was the fact that there are all these other movies right now that are being delayed, and that could also have an impact on when the third film is released.

Andrew: Yeah, there could be this domino effect where if some movies get delayed now, they’ll push other movies down the line, and the movies down the line will be pushed even further. So yeah, there could be this ricochet effect, so we will see.

Eric: Man, I just want all the movies to come out at once. Wouldn’t that be cool? Not all the Fantastic Beasts, but all the ones that kept getting pushed back, just released on one weekend. Say, “The theaters are safe now. The crisis is over. Go watch movies all weekend!” And then…

Andrew: “Come on out.”

Eric: Yeah!

Andrew: Yeah, that’d be nice, as long as everybody’s paying for each movie and not movie-hopping.

Eric: Or maybe like a film festival type pass, where you go and then it’s all weekend. But yeah, they pushed James Bond back. I was real upset about.

Andrew: Oh, yeah.

Eric: Ugh, I was so ready for that.

Andrew: That moved to November! Fast and Furious moved to next year! It’s crazy.

Micah: If they were smart, they would release these digitally and just put them behind a paywall.

Andrew: A couple of studios have done that so far, actually. In fact, Disney just released Onward, their brand new Pixar movie, and that’s available for rent for 20 bucks, which isn’t too bad if you think about how much movie tickets cost when you’re buying for a family of four. But it will also be on Disney+ on April 3. And Universal released a few movies already, also rentable for $20. So yeah, some studios are taking that advice, Micah.

Micah: As they should.

Andrew: So go ahead and watch Emma this weekend, the latest Jane Austen adaptation. I know you’re a huge Jane Austen fan.

Micah: Huge.

Andrew: J.K. Rowling is trying to do her part as well. She announced that she is granting an open license for teachers during the COVID-19 outbreak. “Teachers can now post videos of themselves reading aloud from the Harry Potter books to children prevented from attending school because of the virus. Teachers anywhere in the world are permitted to post videos of themselves reading from Harry Potter Books 1-7 onto schools’ secure networks or closed educational platforms. The open license for teachers is the first of several initiatives being planned to help bring Harry Potter to children at home, which will be announced shortly. Hashtag #HarryPotterAtHome.” So they’ve got some plans in the works in light of this outbreak. I didn’t even realize you needed permission from J.K. Rowling to read the Harry Potter books to your kids over the Internet, even on a closed network that nobody else has access to.

Laura: Yeah, I do think that’s a little odd, but I think the intention is good here, so I’m going to take that. But I’m really excited to see what the next initiative is.

Andrew: Right, like, are they going to make the ebooks readily accessible to the public? Or…

Laura: Maybe the movies?

Andrew: Maybe the movies. It all seems targeted towards children, though, at least for the time being. So yeah, we’ll see.

Micah: Yeah. But to Laura’s point, I think it’s just a formality so that there aren’t any issues that arise. She’s just putting it out there that it’s okay for teachers to be able to do this. But we actually have our own version of some of these books, right?

Eric: No.

Andrew: No, we don’t.

Micah: We started it on Patreon.

Andrew: What are you talking about?

Micah: Oh, come on.

Andrew: No, we don’t. J.K. Rowling, don’t listen to Micah. We don’t have our chapter readings on Patreon.

Micah: J.K. Rowling doesn’t even listen to this show.

Andrew: Team J.K. Rowling.

Micah: But J.K. Rowling should read. She should get on Twitter… I mean, I’m sure she has other things that she’s doing…

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: … but I’ve seen this; a lot of celebrities, right? Somebody told me the actor who played… is it Olaf in Frozen?

Andrew: Yeah, Josh Gad.

Micah: This is a great idea. Why not? I mean, people aren’t doing a whole lot of anything right now because they’re locked in and they can’t go out. But I think that would be a great opportunity for J.K. Rowling to show us all that she’s doing well, number one, but number two, to read from Sorcerer’s Stone or any of the other books.

Andrew: Yeah, that’d be cool.

Micah: Kids would love it.

Eric: Yeah. There’s actually a YouTube channel now where these stars are going; it’s Storyline Online, it’s called. But Kristen Bell… David Harbour of Stranger Things is reading a book called Snappsy the Alligator over online, and it’s just on YouTube. So there’s a lot of really cool… celebrities are pitching in. There’s a lot of really cool things that people are doing to ease this isolation.

Andrew: So stay safe, everybody. Wash your hands, don’t touch your face, and keep listening to MuggleCast. You won’t get Coronavirus from us, because this is all digital.


Sporcle game


Andrew: So we’re going to do two things today that are a little different, as if your world isn’t changing enough right now.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Eric: Nice intro.

Andrew: First of all, we’re going to play a game to lighten the mood. And second of all, for the first time, I think, in Chapter by Chapter history, we are only going to do a half of a chapter, and that’s because there is a lot packed into Chapter 22 of Order of the Phoenix. So we didn’t want to try and cram it all into one episode, plus with us…

Micah: This is how it all starts, though, by the way.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: I’m just throwing it out there. This is how the whole Horcrux thing started. “Oh, let’s just do one.” Before you know it, we’re going to be cutting chapters into seven pieces.

Andrew: Well, that’s okay. We’ve got some time to fill. And now Fantastic Beasts 3 isn’t coming out till, like, November 2025, so…

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: We’re all stuck at home. We’re going to launch Page by Page here on MuggleCast, each episode dedicated to a page of J.K. Rowling’s Wizarding World.

Eric: [laughs] “We’re talking about paragraph seven today.”

Laura: Sentence by Sentence.

Micah: Laura, you’re going to need to connect the threads between words that show up on each of those pages in respective books.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Oh my God, please no.

Micah: No “the,” “a,” “it.” It has to be “Harry” or something like that.

Laura: Gotcha. No definite or indefinite articles.

Andrew: Actually, for April Fool’s, we should do a Page by Page segment…

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: … where we just spend an entire episode on a page of the book. [laughs]

Micah: But you just spoiled it.

Andrew: That’d be so fun, though, just trying to vamp for a half hour on a single page of a Harry Potter book. Anyway, so let’s start with this game.

Micah: All right.

Andrew: Many of you are probably familiar with Sporcle; this is a website where you can play all kinds of quizzes and unique games that you can’t find elsewhere, I don’t think. So we’re going to play a Harry Potter name chain game. “Can you name the Harry Potter fact based on the previous answer?” There’s 55 of these.

Eric: Whoa.

Andrew: This is an eight minute timer, but we’re going to try to do seven minutes, because seven, and we’re Harry Potter experts. So let’s see how we do. Is everybody ready? You can see my screen?

Eric: So how is this…? The answer is based on the previous answer? Do you know how…?

Andrew: Exactly. Yeah, as soon as you see this, you’ll know how it works. You’ll get it.

Micah: All right. This is not like Heads Up, by the way. That was a lot of fun, that we played on Wednesday?

Andrew: Yes. We all did terrible in our first round.

Micah: No, the last one… oh, I was going to say, you did really well in the last round, but that’s because Laura and I, as Ravenclaws, were delivering such amazing hints.

Andrew: Yeah, I’ll give you guys credit. Sure. Takes two to tango.

Laura: I feel like when playing Heads Up, I am far better as a hint giver than a hint receiver. [laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, yeah. You were giving some great hints.

Eric: It’s definitely two different muscles.

Andrew: Everybody be sure to watch that. That’s a lot of fun, and that’s available to everybody. All right, so here we go. Play quiz. The Boy Who Lived.

Eric: Harry Potter.

Andrew: Good. Is best friends with…

Laura: Ron Weasley.

Micah: Ron.

Andrew: Who ends up marrying…

Eric: Ginny.

Andrew: Hermione.

Eric: Oh.

Andrew: Ginny. No, Hermione. Oh my God, you scared me.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Oh, wow. What kind of…? Wow, Ron and Ginny?

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: Game of Thrones style.

Andrew: Who goes to the Yule Ball with Viktor, whose headmaster is…

Laura: Karkaroff.

Andrew: Karkaroff, who is interrogated in prison by…

Laura: Barty Crouch.

Andrew: Barty.

Eric: Oooh.

Andrew: Whose son impersonates…

Micah: Moody.

Andrew: Mad-Eye, who dies while flying with…

Laura: Mundungus.

Andrew: Mundungus, who steals from the House of Black…

Eric: Black.

Andrew: Who helped create this secret document… uh, Marauder’s.

Eric: Yeah, map.

Andrew: Which fell into the hands of…

Micah: Fred and George.

Andrew: Whose sister is…

Eric: Ginny! [laughs]

Andrew: There’s the Ginny.

Laura: There’s Ginny.

Micah: Finally. Eric couldn’t wait for that.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Whose friend in Ravenclaw is…

Eric: Michael Corner.

Laura: Luna.

Eric: Oh. Well, I think…

Andrew: Luna? Luna.

Eric: Oh, darn, it was Luna.

Andrew: Whose father is the editor of…

Micah: Quibbler.

Andrew: Which featured a Harry Potter article written by Rita.

Laura: Rita Skeeter.

Andrew: Who was a reporter at this event.

Eric: Triwizard Tournament.

Andrew: Triwizard Tournament, which was hosted by… Hogwarts?

Micah: Hogwarts.

Andrew: Whose headmaster is…

Micah: Dumbledore.

Andrew: Who is killed by…

Laura: Snape!

Micah: Spoiler alert.

Andrew: Who pretends he works for…

Laura: Voldemort.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Whose loyal Animagus follower is…

Eric: Peter Pettigrew.

Andrew: Oh. I was… [laughs]

Eric: You said Nagini?

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Who was discovered to be alive by this professor… the answer was Wormtail.

Eric: Remus Lupin?

Micah: Quirrell.

Andrew: Quirrell.

Eric: Why would it…?

Andrew: Nope.

Micah: No, no, sorry.

Laura: Yeah, it was Wormtail. Lupin.

Andrew: Okay, Lupin was bitten by…

Eric: Greyback.

Andrew: Who also attacked this Weasley…

Laura: Bill.

Andrew: Who is married to Fleur, whose wedding is interrupted by the Patronus of…

Eric: Kingsley Shacklebolt.

Andrew: Who at the time worked for this man…

Micah: Fudge? Or no, Scrimgeour?

Eric: Oh, yeah.

Andrew: Good one. Who is the successor of…

Laura: Fudge.

Andrew: Who instituted himself at Hogwarts by means of this person…

Laura: Oooh.

Eric: Dolores Umbridge.

Laura: Boo.

Andrew: Umbridge, who elects this person as head of her Inquisitorial Squad…

Eric: Draco Malfoy.

Andrew: Whose Mother is…

Laura: Narcissa.

Andrew: Whose Death Eater sister is…

Eric: Bellatrix.

Andrew: Bellatrix, who tortures this student’s parents…

Eric: Neville.

Andrew: Who gets tortured by this professor…

Eric: Snape.

Andrew: Again? I think it’s somebody else.

Laura: It’s only once.

Micah: No.

Laura: Shoot, what are the brother and sister?

Eric: Oh, Alecto and Amycus Carrow.

Laura: The Carrows, maybe? Yeah, okay.

Andrew: There we go. Amycus Carrow.

Micah: There you go.

Andrew: Who teaches this subject…

Micah: Defense Against…

Eric: Dark Arts.

Andrew: Which was taught by this professor in Harry’s first year…

Eric: Quirrell!

Andrew: Thought I already had him.

Laura: No.

Micah: No, I missed that. That was my fault.

Andrew: Who meets Harry for the first time in this place… oh, the…

Laura: Three Broomsticks?

Eric: Leaky Cauldron.

Laura: Leaky Cauldron, yeah.

Andrew: The Leaky Cauldron.

Eric: [imitating Stan Shunpike] “That’s in London.”

Andrew: Which lies at the entrance to…

Eric: Diagon Alley.

Andrew: Diagonally. In which lies this wand’s… uh, this…

Micah: Ollivander.

Andrew: This wand man’s wand shop.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Tongue-twister. Who gets rescued from Malfoy Manor by this house-elf…

Eric: Dobby!

Andrew: Whose master was Lucius, who secretly gives Ginny this in…

Laura: Tom Riddle’s diary.

Andrew: Maybe just “the diary”? Yeah. Which hits this character on the head in the bathroom…

Eric: [laughs] Moaning Myrtle.

Andrew: Oh my God. Can I spell it right?

[Laura laughs]

Eric: Oh, I hope this…

Andrew: Help me!

Eric: M-Y-R-T-L-E.

Andrew: Thank you.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Whose bathroom lies at the…

Micah: Chamber of Secrets.

Andrew: We have about two minutes left. Which contains this creature…

Laura: Basilisk.

Andrew: Who Petrifies this Hufflepuff student…

Micah: Is it Ernie?

Eric: No, Justin Finch-Fletchley.

Andrew: That’s it. Who joins this secret organization…

Laura: Dumbledore’s Army.

Andrew: Whose meeting takes place in…

Laura: Room of Requirement.

Micah: Good thing we’re reading Order of the Phoenix.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Which is the home of this Horcrux… Diadem?

Laura: Diadem.

Andrew: Whose location was revealed to Tom Riddle by…

Eric: Grey Lady.

Andrew: Oh, ooh. Who was killed by…

Eric: Bloody Baron.

Andrew: Who is the ghost of this House…

Laura: Ravenclaw.

Eric: Slytherin.

Laura: Oh, [censored].

Eric: Because it’s the most recent answer.

Andrew: Slytherin, whose Head in the seventh book is…

Eric: Slughorn!

Andrew: Aw, good times. Whose favorite Muggle-born student was…

Laura: Lily.

Andrew: All right, and here comes the final one. Whose son is…

Eric: Harry.

Laura: Harry Potter.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: Ah, tough one.

Laura: That’s the only one you get twice.

Andrew: All right, so we did that in about a little under six minutes.

Laura: Good job, guys.

Eric: Wow.

Andrew: We got 100%. Average score on Sporcle for this quiz, 49%. Ha, ha, ha.

Laura: Sporcle wasn’t ready for us.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Sporcle is like, “Wow, did some Harry Potter podcasters just play? They sure know their stuff.”

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: All right, that was fun, and we’ll put a link to that quiz in the show notes if anybody else wants to try that themselves.

Laura: All right, well, before we move on to Chapter by Chapter, we do have a quick word from one of my favorite sponsors, Third Love.

[Ad break]


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Andrew: Okay, it’s time for Chapter by Chapter, and this week we are discussing the first half of Order of the Phoenix Chapter 22, and we will start, as always, with our seven-word summary.

Eric: Here’s a question: Do we do four-word summary because it’s half a chapter? [laughs]

Andrew: I guess so.

Micah: No.

Eric: And then next week… because we’re going to collect these at the end, right? And have the chapter art with the seven-word summary? So unless we want to have two seven-word summaries, we should split this in half.

Micah: No.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Are you going to give half an MVP and half a rename the chapter?

Eric: Well, okay, so then let’s say in advance, is this seven-word summary a summary for the whole chapter, or just for the part that we’re covering?

Andrew: I think just part one.

Laura: Yes.

Micah: Just part one, because I didn’t read the rest of the chapter.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Yeah, I also stopped halfway through the chapter.

Micah: Yeah. Eric, you’re the one that gave direction.

Eric: No, it’s true. I really felt like there was a lot of stuff in the first half, and the second half has all those departments at the hospital, all crazy stuff going on. So it was me. I was like, “Hey, this is…” so I caused this mess. Apologies to everybody.

Micah: Yep.

Andrew: Or we can screw with them, Eric, and we can make this about the entire chapter, and we can watch them screw up and get lost. That’s their fault.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: Well, I think Laura and I have a pretty good idea what happens.

Andrew: All right, fine.

Laura: I have read this book at least once.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: All right, part one. Go ahead whenever you’re ready.

Eric: Arthur…

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

Laura: … survives…

Micah: … by…

Andrew: … receiving…

Eric: … care…

Laura: … from…

Micah: … portraits.

Laura: Yay!

Andrew: That was a quick one.

Laura: We did good.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Andrew: All right, so yeah, there is a lot that happens in the first half of this chapter.

Eric: Definitely, and it’s no surprise, I guess, that the chapter starts with Harry panicking after what he has seen or encountered or done. But we’ll remember at the end of the previous chapter, it was Neville that went and ran and got Professor McGonagall, and thankfully, Professor McGonagall is ready for action. She says, “We are going to see the headmaster.” But when they go to Dumbledore’s office, and the password is “Fizzing Whizbee,” I’m going to take issue with the complexity requirements of Dumbledore’s password. Does he want everybody to guess it? And that’s not really secure, is it?

Andrew: It does seem a little surprising. And just a password, just a verbal password, is very antiquated anyway.

Eric: Ooh, he should be doing two-factor authentication.

Laura: Yep, that’s right.

Andrew: Yeah, fingerprint, face ID… two-factor…

[Eric laughs]

Micah: Andrew, you know what that sounds like to me?

Andrew: A security nightmare.

[“It’s starting to sound like a security nightmare!” sound effect plays with sirens]

Andrew: Get two-factor, Dumbledore!

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: There should be additional layers of security. This is a scary time right now.

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Laura: Even if somebody gave the password and then Dumbledore’s wand lit up and projected on the wall and showed a video of who was downstairs, so he could be like, “Ah, yes, let Minerva up.”

Eric: Yes.

Andrew: Where’s his Nest Cam?

Laura: Or “Oh, no, not Umbridge.”

Andrew: Or maybe it’s simply that Dumbledore knows he could kick anybody’s butt.

Eric: Well, that’s… he’s got quite an…

Andrew: So they can just try. They can just try to come up to his office and see how that goes for you.

Eric: His ego, man. He’s just like, “Yeah, come what may.” Or maybe it’s that the gargoyle is so loud when it turns that he’ll hear them coming a mile away. [laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, get a little warning.

Micah: Although… I don’t think so, because… well, maybe they do. Because it’s only when McGonagall knocks on the door that they quiet down, so I don’t think they can hear the gargoyle.

Eric: Ohh.

Andrew: Oh, that’s true. They were partying so loudly up in there.

Micah: I know. Dumbledore clearly has a portrait party every night with all those former headmasters and headmistresses.

Eric: Yeah, there’s definitely a commotion going on. But sweeping back to just passwords real quick: We’ve seen so many ways of protecting areas, especially the Tom Riddle way, which is, like, wound yourself. But it just seems funny and silly to me that there isn’t a stronger password, or that it’s guessable because it’s… if Draco, for instance, wanted to kill Dumbledore, all he really needs to do is come with a list of Honeydukes items, and eventually he’d get in and be able to do it.

Micah: But is it that simple? In the sense that, to me, simplicity… most people would assume a password to be far more complex, right? And that goes to Dumbledore’s character, right? Not only is it kind of witty, but it’s also not exactly what you would expect it to be. You would expect it to be something more difficult.

Eric: Ahh.

Andrew: Yeah, you’d expect it to be, like, capital A, ampersand, percentage sign…

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Can you imagine verbally dictating that?

Andrew: … asterisk, lowercase E, uppercase W, number two… [laughs]

Micah: And I kind of think that the gargoyle would attack or do something if somebody was trying to break in who wasn’t supposed to be there.

Andrew: Or we saw earlier in this book, the girls’ dormitory staircase turns into a slide. Maybe his staircase turns into a slide if Death Eaters try to walk up those stairs.

Eric: Yeah, yeah, definitely. Well, so I looked it up and the previous list of passwords that Dumbledore has used… just for fun, because there’s been six of them that we’re privy to. Acid Pops, Cockroach Cluster, Fizzing Whizbee, Lemon Drop, Sherbet Lemon, and Toffee Eclairs.

Andrew: Cockroach Cluster. That’s a candy?

Eric: Yeah, it’s…

Andrew: Ew.

Eric: They sell them at Honeydukes in the park, too.

Andrew: He just wanted one particular part of that candy in a password.

Eric: [laughs] Wow. Wow.

Micah: The Cluster, right?

Andrew: Cluster, yeah.

Eric: But yeah, the portraits, they are having a grand old time, aren’t they?

Andrew: Yeah, it seems like we learn in this scene that Harry does walk in on a party of sorts, and Dumbledore hangs out with all these portraits every night, perhaps. I mean, they’re all sitting there anyway, and he’s there every night, so why shouldn’t they all converse? And if you think about it, these are the headmasters of Hogwarts over hundreds of years; they must all have an incredible amount of knowledge that they can share with one another, so maybe these parties are just them exchanging information.

Eric: Yeah, definitely. And I think it’s a good way of… I think Dumbledore uses them as an extension of his thoughts, to converse, to say things out in the open with these former headmasters.

Andrew: Right.

Eric: But I think that’ll be something that we talk about through the rest of this discussion, too, is how much knowledge do those portraits have? Are they able to retain the knowledge of conversation, and how much do they give in return? Is somebody from the 1700s able to say to Dumbledore, “Well, we had this problem at Hogwarts when I was headmaster, and here’s how we fixed it,” or is it a little bit more of a surface level kind of thing?

Andrew: I think the impression that we’ve been given from J.K. Rowling is it is their personality. I don’t know if she’s ever addressed the knowledge. I would think they’re able to share most of their memories, because their memories do in part to find their personality.

Eric: Yeah. I think that she has definitely revealed in an interview or called them imprints or shadows. They’re merely,… she kind of downplayed how much of their actual person was in it, specifically when talking about Dumbledore, because somebody said to her, “Oh, but now Dumbledore’s portrait is up there, you can just go ask him anything and it’d be just like talking to Dumbledore.” And I think in Cursed Child, she wrote… she kind of solves that a little bit, or maybe goes back on it a little bit with how Harry is able to talk to Dumbledore.

Andrew: She does say on Potter-No-More that these portraits would not “be capable of having a particularly in-depth discussion about more complex aspects of their lives; they are literally and metaphorically two dimensional. They are only representations of the living subjects as seen by the artist.”

Eric: Ahh.

Andrew: I don’t know, though. What could they be talking about every night in Dumbledore’s office if they don’t have much depth to them? “Did you see what Fawkes did today? Ha, ha, ha!”

Laura: It does seem like throughout this chapter – I mean, or at least this portion of the chapter – they’re all very interested in the hot goss. They’re all pretending to sleep, but they’re really listening and peeking through their eyelids a little bit, so I could see it very much being surface-level conversation or bickering with each other. Because they all seem really…. they seem to have a propensity for doing that, too. It’s like one of them says or does something, and the rest of them erupt in response to that thing.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: Yeah. That’s got to be really annoying, though, by the way, if you’re trying to work. Think of all the important things Dumbledore is trying to solve for, and he’s got 50 different people just yelling at each other. I wonder if he can just put them on silent or do something. Mute, maybe?

Eric: [laughs] Do Not Disturb mode. But I do think that after becoming portraits, these individuals that are inside the portraits can probably retain memory, right? I mean, we see as much from the Fat Lady. She knows who the students are. She’s constantly tracking what… because only Gryffindors can get in, so she kind of is keeping an eye on who’s who; she’s learning the new students every year. I feel like by now, surely the oldest of the portraits would be basically a real person in so far as just experiences would build them up. So I think that even if they were just an artist rendering at first, they’re more now, and there’s more to that in just a moment.

Micah: Yeah. But one thing, though, too – and I apologize, Laura, if you have this later on in connecting the threads – but if you go back to Prisoner of Azkaban, that’s really where I felt we were introduced to portraits’ importance in terms… and the ability to shift between, right? We see it with the Fat Lady when she’s attacked at Gryffindor tower by Sirius, and then Sir Cadogan.

Laura: Yeah, and I love that connection because when we see it in Prisoner of Azkaban, a lot of the portrait moments that we get are more comical, whereas here we actually see the portraits being very useful, and really the only reason that Arthur Weasley lives.

Eric: Right, definitely. So we’ll talk more on the portraits in just a sec, but I had to ask… as soon as McGonagall and Harry come into Dumbledore’s office, Dumbledore says, “Oh, it’s you, Professor… and… ah.” He doesn’t really say, “Oh, Harry is here,” or, “Oh, hello, Harry.” And it really reminded me of the barrier that Dumbledore has had to put up to really ignore Harry’s pain all year. It seems like he’s gone so far that he’s not even going to say, “Oh, hello, Harry,” or acknowledge his… he’s gone the other end of the extreme of ignoring him, that he really won’t call him out. And we see this… Harry is telling his whole story, and Dumbledore is really not even looking at him, not once.

Andrew: Well, Dumbledore is having a party with the portraits and McGonagall comes in, and it’s like, “Oh, McGonagall, come on, join the fun! You’re going to be headmaster one day anyway, so you should be a part of this.” And then, “Oh, there’s the buzzkill, Harry Potter.”

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: “My scar hurts. Umbridge hates me.”

Micah: He doesn’t even… how about Ron? Poor Ron doesn’t even get acknowledged.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Poor Ron.

Micah: He doesn’t even get a “Ah.”

Eric: Dumbledore is pretty far gone.

Micah: But I think this whole… this goes to the point of what is wrong with Dumbledore right now, from the standpoint of not wanting to interact with Harry at all. It’s just beyond a level of disrespect. It’s just… from a reader standpoint, I think there’s a growing frustration that we all have now, from Harry’s standpoint, with Dumbledore, because he’s not even acknowledging him. He’s not talking to him.

Eric: It just doesn’t seem like the level of hustle that you would expect when a member of the Order of the Phoenix has been murdered. I mean, is there this need for a security check? Wouldn’t you originally…? I mean, wouldn’t you really…? If you know that Arthur Weasley is on tonight at the shift of watching the door that’s not supposed to be known about…

Andrew: That’s true.

Eric: Do you really then need to go through 50 questions? He asks Harry how he sees it, or how he saw the message; he chastises Harry for misunderstanding him, that it was actually a direct question, meant exactly as he asked it. Silly Harry, of course. And then from there on, he then goes and plays with some of his gizmos and does this other stuff before calling on Everard and Dilys, the portraits.

Micah: Well, I mean, I know I just really kind of gave it to Dumbledore, but at the same time, I think he’s trying to figure out – because we know what happens later on in this book – whether or not what Harry is seeing is actually real.

Andrew: Because maybe Voldemort is manipulating what Harry is seeing.

Micah: Exactly.

Eric: But if he suspects that, it’s kind of past the point where he should be clueing Harry in, right? Harry, in this moment, can only feel hurt by the fact that Dumbledore is behaving this way, when in fact, if he had just come clean earlier and say, “I heavily suspect there’s a connection between you and Voldemort that he will manipulate,” then Harry could at least have a part of the puzzle as to why he’s being ignored.

Micah: No, I agree, and he ends up tasking the worst possible person for Harry to go through this whole process with, in Snape.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: But I do think he is trying to figure a lot of things out in his mind right now, and there’s still something about him not wanting to interact with Harry that just doesn’t sit right with me as a reader.

Andrew: But the problem is Dumbledore doesn’t want Voldemort to think that Dumbledore and Harry are close.

Eric: Ohh.

Andrew: That’s why he’s keeping the distance between the two of them.

Eric: So he won’t even say his name, “Oh, Harry’s here,” let alone…

Andrew: [laughs] Yeah, don’t want to trigger any bells in Voldemort’s brain. “Did I hear Dumbledore say ‘Harry’? It’s time to tune in!”

Laura: Voldemort has that keyword set up in his Horcruxes.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Keyword alert.

Laura: Anytime anyone says “Harry,” they come to life.

Andrew: The Google news alert.

Laura: “Breaking news!”

Andrew: “Somebody wrote about Harry.”

Eric: So let’s get back to the portraits. So Dumbledore calls upon two portraits in his office, Everard and Dilys, and he says to Everard, “Make sure he is found by the right people.” And Dilys, we’ll talk about – actually, she shows up in the back half of this chapter, too – but he sends her… so presumably Everard… actually, not presumably; it’s described. Everard has a painting of himself hanging at the Ministry, and so he is able to raise the alarm among a group of people who would be helpful towards Arthur, who probably shouldn’t be down there.

Andrew: Right.

Eric: They’re going to go find him. They’re going to pull him up. And then Dilys has another painting, we’ll find out, at St. Mungo’s, so she is able to just…

Andrew: Perfect!

Eric: Yeah, it’s absolutely perfect. And it makes me wonder… the rest of these headmasters, they were such important people, Dumbledore says, that many of them have multiple portraits of themselves of the same person that they can just… now they’re visiting that way instead of just going into each other’s portraits in the same room where they’re hanged; they’re going to their other selves. And it makes me wonder where everyone else is, all the other headmasters might have… it’s essentially a great spy network.

Andrew: Yeah, it is. Well, and it’s also making me wonder if this was Dumbledore’s plan all along? This was one of his backup plans the whole time? He had a portrait at the Ministry, so if, God forbid, anything ever happened to a member of the Order, he would be able to quickly relay a message to somebody at the Ministry. “Hey, go check in on the Hall of Prophecies. Go check in down at the Department of Mysteries, because I think I’ve heard an attack.”

Eric: Yeah, and it is said that there are no portraits down there, in the lower levels.

Andrew: Right, he’s a floor up or something.

Eric: Yeah, yeah, so he had to scream until people came, which, that would be…

Andrew: “I heard something all the way down there.” “You heard something all the way down there?” “Yes, just go look!”

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Eric: Which, here’s another thing: It’s not really the most expedient way to save somebody’s life. Arthur is bleeding out! The fact that this…

Andrew: But that’s the best he can do. And I mean, it’s a pretty good system. It works.

Eric: Well, but I know that Micah asked the question, too, a little later on, but is this Dumbledore’s plan, then? Is this really the best way to protect members of the Order of the Phoenix? Arthur really was on his own completely down there. It’s just kind of shocking that there wasn’t a more direct way of protecting, or at least having a buddy… do a buddy system kind of thing.

Micah: Yeah, that’s pretty much what I was wondering, is it seems like the Order really has no other security measures in place should one of their own be found and attacked. And we know that what they’re guarding is extremely important, and that not only is their side trying to protect it, but it’s clear that the other side is trying to retrieve it. And Sturgis gets mentioned a little bit later on when we’re at Grimmauld Place about… or maybe it’s even in Dumbledore’s office, but I can’t remember. So we know that there’s already been attempts by Voldemort’s side to try and infiltrate, so given that one of their own has already fallen, now this is the second member that has been attacked, seems like there’d be a little bit better security in place, or something that’s there… to your point, a buddy system. I don’t know what it is, but it just seems really poor planning on the part of Dumbledore, and risky too. I mean, the Order is not in huge numbers right now, right? They don’t have a ton of people on their side, and they have the Ministry working against them. They’re trying to guard something in the place where their head person is totally in opposition to what Dumbledore stands for, so it just… there’s a lot of flaws here. That’s my point.

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Laura: I just think it’s hard because Order members are really limited as it is, and we’ve already seen it established that if they get caught doing this, the repercussions are pretty severe, and it also risks outing the Order. So say if we had Arthur and Kingsley down chilling in front of the Department of Mysteries. And first of all, that raises questions about, like, “Wait, you guys are friends?”

Andrew: Right.

Laura: Because they pretend not to know each other at work. And then it’s like, “Well, what were you both doing here? What’s the connection between the two of you that had you both posted here?” So I get it. It does suck, because it’s really not an ideal system for people’s safety, but then Sirius does point out a little bit later in the chapter that Arthur did know what he signed up for.

Micah: My problem with all of this is that you’re relying on the off chance that Harry has a dream that he’s inside of a snake that’s attacking Arthur for them to know that Arthur has been attacked.

Andrew: [laughs] Yeah.

Micah: There’s no alarm that gets sounded? Think about the coins that they’re using for Dumbledore’s Army. They couldn’t do something like that? Where Arthur, despite the fact that he’s been attacked, he was, I’m sure, still able maybe to reach in his pocket and touch a coin or do something that would alert the rest of the Order that he’s in trouble. It just seems very, very… it’s coincidental that Harry has this. I mean, it’s obviously written that way, but you know what I’m saying.

Eric: Yeah, you can’t reverse engineer this kind of a problem and expect it to be solved. It wouldn’t be if it were anywhere other than Harry. You’re exactly right.

Laura: Well, maybe Order members do have some kind of emergency system, but if I recall correctly, Arthur was falling asleep when he got attacked.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Right.

Micah: Damn, that kills the whole argument.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: He couldn’t go and rub his coin quick enough to alert Dumbledore.

Micah: Sleepy Arthur.

Eric: This is Arthur’s fault, damn it. [laughs] But I was thinking of something that constantly monitors his vital signs or something, but then I remembered that Dumbledore, at some point, says to McGonagall that maybe Molly already knows that this has happened because of the Weasley clock, right? The Weasley clock has a spot for “Mortal peril,” and somehow it’s constantly monitoring the existential status of the whole family members, and why couldn’t they do this on an Order level as well?

Andrew: Right.

Micah: In Deathly Hallows, aren’t they all pointing to “Mortal peril” just because of the nature of the situation?

Eric: [laughs] Yeah, that’s right.

Micah: So it’s not like it’s a clear indication of exactly what is happening.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: But if just one of them is pointing to “Mortal peril” in the middle of the night, that’s probably something to grow concern about.

Micah: That’s true. That’s fair.

Andrew: And maybe it’s brought up in your notes here, Eric, that does it chime ominously for “Mortal peril”? Because this is in the middle of the night; Molly is not sitting there watching this. Or maybe she is staying up watching the clock, because her husband is down at the Department of Mysteries during an uncertain time like this in the middle of the night, protecting something for the Order.

Micah: I just wanted to go back a second, because I feel like there could have been the chance that Everard’s portrait was just passed by earlier on in this book when Harry was at the Ministry. I don’t remember for sure, but I just feel like given… like you’re saying later on in this chapter, Eric, that Dilys, we come in contact with her again, I wonder if that’s just a J.K. Rowling thing to just mention it in passing, and then obviously comes full circle in this chapter.

Eric: That’s a pretty cool idea. Yeah, Dilys winks at Harry from across the rotunda.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: And I think with Phineas, he’s tasked with going and talking with Sirius and making sure that it’s okay for Harry, Ron, and Fred, George, Ginny to be able to go to Grimmauld Place. And one thing that he says, though, that just piqued my interest, was he said that Sirius “has always had odd taste in houseguests.”

[Eric laughs]

Micah: And that got me thinking, who? Who else has been to Grimmauld Place that Phineas would consider to be odd? I mean, James is a pure-blood wizard, so I don’t think that the Black family would have any issue with him showing up.

Eric: Right.

Micah: I’m wondering, did Remus come over? Did he transform one time, maybe? Run around the house, chase Kreacher…

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: He’s definitely referring to the Marauders.

Laura: Yeah, I think so.

Micah: But Pettigrew, maybe? Maybe some lady friend?

Andrew: [laughs] Maybe, maybe. Phineas gets peer pressured into going to relay the message to Sirius, and Dumbledore starts reviewing an instrument. Nobody really understands what it’s doing. It’s spinning, it’s making noises, and he pulls up a snake. He’s talking to himself out loud, and he says, “But in essence divided?” And we didn’t really know what this meant, but J.K. Rowling did say later post-Deathly Hallows in a webchat that in this moment, Dumbledore learned of Nagini being a Horcrux, and Harry’s connection to Voldemort via Horcruxes. So this is just some classic writing from J.K. Rowling, where we see Dumbledore have this major revelation, but it just gets kind of glossed over. It’s kind of like Dumbledore’s twinkle in his eye moment, and there’s just this major realization, and none of us know the significance of it. Obviously, Dumbledore, as usual, isn’t announcing what he just discovered. But in bonus MuggleCast today, we will talk more about this instrument. It sounds like it’s a Pensieve, according to J.K. Rowling herself?

[Eric makes a confused noise]

Andrew: Yeah, so we’ll talk about that over on Patreon. But yeah, Dumbledore does have a big realization here.

Micah: But this is all following his interrogation of Harry, right? He’s asking him all these questions, and Harry is a bit dumbfounded because he doesn’t understand how Dumbledore could possibly know really what it is that he’s experienced. But he does, because that’s Dumbledore.

Eric: The other aspect of this is when he’s grilling Harry, or once he’s just finished, he leans over to Fawkes and is having Fawkes, I guess, kind of stand guard for them? It’s a really interesting thing. He says to Fawkes that they need a warning.

Andrew: This made me think of the song “Calling All Angels” by Train. [singing] “I need a sign to let me know she’s here.”

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: You know, people don’t like it when you sing, Andrew. I don’t know if you saw that review.

Andrew: But this was a brilliant connection, so I had to bring it up.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: I love it. I think it’s great.

Andrew: Make the Music Connection in reverse.

Micah: It’s well done.

Eric: Oh my gosh. Yeah, and so this feather… basically a feather appears in the middle of the office, and then Dumbledore says, in explanation, “It is Fawkes’s warning. She must know you’re out of your beds… Minerva, go and head her off – tell her any story.” So Fawkes is, I guess, clearly spying on Umbridge at this point.

Andrew and Laura: Yeah.

Micah: I can imagine Fawkes being like, “Oh, crap. I get Umbridge duty out of all this?”

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: “I’m this legendary bird, I work with Dumbledore, and I’m stuck following this toad? No, thank you.”

Micah: Yeah, exactly. But it made me think, though, too, how is it that Umbridge knows that they’re out of bed? Because…

Eric: Right.

Andrew: What the hell?

Laura: I think it’s Mrs. Norris, because they pass her.

Andrew: Oh, yeah.

Eric: Ohh.

Andrew: Darn it, J.K. Rowling is so clever sometimes.

Micah: McGonagall tells Mrs. Norris basically to go F off, who probably goes to Filch, who goes to Umbridge. But if it is… I still think that this is McGonagall’s situation to worry about, right? She’s the Head of Gryffindor, so if a couple of her students are out of bed, then it’s her responsibility to deal with it, not Umbridge’s.

Eric: Right.

Micah: So I was a little surprised, though, that Dumbledore sends McGonagall in this moment. Maybe that’s the reason why. But why not have Fawkes try and derail her? Could you imagine what would happen if Umbridge came face-to-face with this big flaming bird in the middle of the Hogwarts hallway?

[Eric laughs]

Micah: She’d probably crap her pants and run the other way, or she’d go… I don’t know, but you know what I’m saying?

Andrew: Yeah.

Micah: I also thought initially when Dumbledore said that he needed a warning – and this is because it’s been a while since I’ve read this chapter – I thought Fawkes was basically going to go from member to member of the Order and let them know what has happened; maybe that’s the sign that something was wrong. But no, it’s Umbridge duty.

Eric: Yeah. I mean, if Fawkes can Apparate and Disapparate, which we’re just saying is what’s happening here now, he could presumably warn the other members of the Order right away. Dumbledore could give him a letter to carry or something. But it definitely… I think the problem is if Fawkes were to confront Umbridge directly, she would know that it was Dumbledore who was confronting her, right?

Andrew: That’s true.

Eric: It’s such a… it’s the calling card. It’s a telltale sign. It’s like, “Dumbledore sent his bird, so…”

Micah: But how does Fawkes know? That’s my question. Or how to… Umbridge is just in her office and Fawkes is lurking outside the window, and all the little kittens are running inside because they’re scared that there’s this big-ass flaming bird outside of the window? I don’t know. How is Fawkes able to essentially tail Umbridge?

Eric: Well, maybe, like Dumbledore, Fawkes has other means of making himself invisible [laughs] than wearing a cloak. He can just… in this chapter, Fawkes Apparates and Disapparates and also goes invisible.

Andrew: Yeah, and transfers this feather across Hogwarts. So if Fawkes can do all these things, then I think he can easily track Umbridge.

Eric: So is this something that a regular phoenix could do? Or is it because, like we’re learning in Fantastic Beasts… I mean, here’s the thing that is the real joy of reading these types of things in Order of the Phoenix, is because it could play a part in future Fantastic Beasts films with the Dumbledore and phoenix connection. They’re real tight in this chapter, and they can do weird, crazy magic.

Micah: Yeah, and I would say “beasts,” quote, unquote, right? They factor in a lot to this chapter, whether you’re talking about Nagini, you’re talking about Fawkes, Mrs. Norris… not a beast, necessarily, but still…

Andrew: [in an intense voice] A beast.

Micah: And then even Kreacher, right? So in terms of means of communication, they all kind of play a role in this chapter as it relates to that.

Eric: Absolutely.

Andrew: So through all of this – and we mentioned this a few minutes ago, so we don’t have to dive into it too much – but Dumbledore is shying away from looking at Harry, and decides to send Harry, Ron, and the rest of the Weasleys back to Grimmauld Place as a precaution. Right before they Portkey back to Grimmauld Place, Harry suddenly has this fit of rage; he feels like a snake again, and he wants to attack Dumbledore. And Harry, in this moment, does not understand why he’s feeling this way, and he reports this to Sirius, and he’s trying to figure it out, but we know now in hindsight this is the Horcrux talking.

Eric: Yeah, yeah. Do we think Dumbledore allowed his eyes to meet Harry’s so that Harry would have some clue what was going on?

Andrew: I don’t think so. I think it would just be by accident.

Eric: Yeah, they’re all about to grab the Portkey, and then Dumbledore’s eyes kind of casually look over and that’s when Harry feels it. But it does have that effect of giving Harry something to… I wanted to say gnaw on. To think about.

Andrew: “Chew on this, Harry, while you’re at Grimmauld Place for a little while.”

Micah: Yeah, as if he doesn’t have enough to be anxious about, he gets to think about the fact that he wanted to rip Dumbledore’s face off in that moment.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: But I wonder, though, too, we talked Horcrux, but I do think there’s part of him that enhances this moment because he is so frustrated and pissed off with how Dumbledore has been treating him since the end of last term, right? There’s been no communication, no eye-to-eye contact, minus this moment. It’s just been complete isolation for Harry. And this is somebody that he’s normally very close with, and so I think that it just escalates the situation for him.

Laura: Well, and we definitely see in Deathly Hallows that being in close proximity to a Horcrux for an extended period of time will exacerbate your emotional reactions to things, so that makes total sense here. But it does make me wonder, at any other point in the series where Harry has had an overreaction to something, is that the Horcrux?

Andrew: It’s possible. I mean, but Harry has overreactions to Snape being a you-know-what, or Umbridge or Draco, and those are all deserved, whether or not Harry is a Horcrux. But Sirius tries to downplay Harry’s feelings in that moment before entering the Portkey, and nobody does bring up to him, “Hey, maybe it could just be that you’re mad at Dumbledore. You’re mad that you haven’t been able to see him, spend time with him, and you’re mad that Dumbledore is ignoring you.”

Eric: Right.

Andrew: I completely agree with your point, Micah, but he doesn’t consider that.

Eric: Yeah. Who considers how Harry is feeling? And Harry hates Portkeys so much, [laughs] because they’re so uncomfortable, that feeling of being pulled behind your navel? Just… ugh, your core.

Andrew: Harry didn’t consider that either. Maybe that’s why he wanted to kill Dumbledore in that moment.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: “Not a Portkey, no, no! I just got to see you. I wanted to party with you and the portraits.”

Eric: Portrait party. I feel like when they land at Grimmauld Place, this is so easy to miss, but it’s kind of a crucial moment. The book says, “His feet hit the ground so hard that his knees buckled, the kettle clattered to the ground and somewhere close at hand a voice said, ‘Back again, the blood trader brats, is it true their father’s dying…?’ ‘OUT!’ roared a second voice.” So Sirius has commanded Kreacher to go away.

Micah: Yeah. How do we feel about this? For me, right, this is what sets him free, or sort of begins the process of him informing on the other side. In my mind, he’s just telling him to get the bleep out of the room, right? Which I’m sure Kreacher has heard many times from Sirius over the years, right?

Eric: Yeah, this is meant to be the linchpin. This is somehow meant to be more powerful, and this is what allows Kreacher to go visit Auntie Bellatrix. But you’re right, it is kind of similar; it doesn’t necessarily hold up under scrutiny, as far as it being something so distinctive that Sirius says, unless I’m misremembering. But they try and call on Kreacher later for breakfast, and he’s nowhere to be found.

Laura: Right, he won’t come. And what I thought was interesting was the description of Kreacher after Sirius tells him to get out. It says, “Kreacher was disappearing through the door to the hall, looking back at them malevolently.” And I just feel like that’s a very specific description there. I can see Kreacher being like, “All right, caught you now.”

Eric: Yeah, it’s definitely… this is the point where Kreacher takes himself to be free. Or not free-free, but… he’s still bound to the Blacks.

Micah: He pauses on the landing, though, too, from what I remember, and he listens in to Harry’s story, so he’s clearly spying and going to take that information, and that’s really the information that ends up being the most useful, I think, for Voldemort, when it comes to the end of this book, with giving him the fake – I don’t know what you’d call it – memory, or just what’s happening with Sirius inside the Department of Mysteries.

Eric: And we know that Kreacher was eavesdropping on Phineas Black as well, because he said, “Is it true their father’s dying?” He knows about the Weasleys and about what is happening with Arthur. Kind of a really interesting late night powwow with Sirius, as it turns out, and he really… we’ve talked at length, and even this book has brought up Sirius’s parenting skills, and whether or not he is a good guardian for Harry or anything, but Sirius really is able to successfully advocate for Fred and George in particular to stay and lay low. They want to go see their dad, and it makes perfect sense, right? They want to go to St. Mungo’s; they want to make sure he’s okay. But Sirius really has to – I mean, at times it seems like physically – hold them back, and he tries to explain, “No, what would it look like if you showed up basically before the rest of the world knows, and you know that there is something wrong with your dad?”

Andrew: It’s refreshing to see him be so responsible. We’re used to him being mischievous; we’re used to him being flippant, but in this moment, he’s acting like the adult, so good job.

Micah: And he restrains himself, right? There’s a moment where he looks like he’s going to hit one of the twins because of a comment that’s made about basically him being useless to the Order, sitting around Grimmauld Place all day, and he just… he’s able to almost internalize it, calm himself, and present these rational statements back. And I think it does show a mature moment, something we rarely see from Sirius.

Eric: Yeah, I’m quite proud of Sirius in this moment. [laughs] Sirius is my guy. But it’s really… the interesting thing… so they just have no news at this point; their ability to act is out of their hands, and I feel like I’m getting flashbacks to childhood. Have we ever had these just moments where we have…? It’s the long, hard, cold waiting.

Laura: I’m sure we’ve all been there at some point. Waiting on a relative in the hospital, waiting to hear the news, it’s so tense. And actually, reading over this section, it gave me flashbacks to my own memory of having to sit through something like this.

Andrew: Yeah, this is one of those things that you look at differently when you’re reading it as an adult. When we’re kids, many of us hadn’t been in this situation yet, so the perspective changes as you get older.

Eric: Yeah, real appreciation for the way that J.K. Rowling is writing it. But eventually, Molly arrives. The first thing she says is, “He’s alive,” which is good. That’s the news they wanted. But it’s so tense because the owl network is being watched; the Floo Network is being watched. The means of communication are so strict and limited at this point that she has to come there physically, and after several hours, that’s the news that they get.

Andrew: Yeah, maybe after this they should have a better method of communication to relay messages. Something like a cell phone?

Eric: Why don’t they just ask Hermione what she’s been doing with Dumbledore’s Army?

Micah: [laughs] Yeah, that’s what I’m saying.

Andrew: Well, they try to black out Hermione from these Order meetings, and so Hermione is probably like, “Well, they don’t deserve my brilliance.”

Micah: Why isn’t she coming to Grimmauld Place, right? She didn’t get the invite. Nobody woke her up.

Andrew: [laughs] Yeah, that too, so she shouldn’t share any of this information.

Laura: Well, also, they’re keeping Dumbledore’s Army secret, or they’re trying to keep it as secret as they can, because there’s a mixed reception to it among Order members. Look at how Mrs. Weasley responded to it, for example.

Andrew: Right. Well, Hermione could have just been like, “We use these coins just to talk with each other during class, not for any secret organizations that you wouldn’t approve of.”

Eric: Yeah, exactly. And then just kind of to wrap things up for now, what do we think McGonagall told Umbridge about why the Gryffindors were out?

Andrew: They were just being bad kids, and McGonagall gave them detention. You don’t have to worry about it, Umbridge.

Eric: But Umbridge now gets to oversee all punishments, right? So she gets to weigh in?

Andrew: Well, McGonagall said that she is going to leave scars on the kids’ booties.

Eric: Wow.

Andrew: And Umbridge really liked that. She didn’t need to be convinced any further.

Eric: She was like, “Oh, Minerva, you fiend.”

Andrew: “I only went for the hands; you went for their rears?”

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: “That’s fantastic. Goodnight.”

Micah: [laughs] What is happening?

Laura: This is devolving very quickly.

Andrew: [laughs] Well, do you guys know what McGonagall told Umbridge?

Micah: No, I’m wondering how close this is, though, to the actual holiday, though, because in the previous chapter, they’re talking about what they’re going to do over Christmas, right? And they’re obviously now home early; they’ve gone home early before the end of term. So I wonder how that all gets explained away, at least from Harry’s standpoint. Because you could understand the Weasleys going to see their dad because of what’s happened, right? They exit early. But what about Harry? How does that get explained away? Do we know?

Eric: I mean, nothing’s ringing a bell on my end.

Laura: No.

Micah: I honestly…

Andrew: If you went on the HP Lexicon, you can probably find out. They have a timeline there.

Micah: I think McGonagall just Stunned Umbridge, threw her in a broom closet, and then just went to bed.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Oh, you said I was crazy. So this leads into our Umbridge Suck count; it currently stands at 47. Umbridge obviously doesn’t have a major role in this entire chapter, actually, but I think we can give her one point for not just sleeping through the night without creeping on the kids.

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Eric: Yep.

Micah: I’m going to give her another one for wasting a Fawkes feather.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Laura: Oh, dang.

Eric: It’s not like those things just grow back.

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Micah: No, it takes a little bit of time, Eric. And how about for wasting McGonagall’s time?

Andrew: Poor Fawkes has to deal with Umbridge on a Saturday, I presume, night.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: Well, I don’t know that we’re going to get to do any more Umbridge Sucks in the next half of the chapter, so we should at least take advantage of this.

Andrew: I think you have to be kind of fair to Umbridge. I hate to say that, but I think the nice thing about the Umbridge Suck count is we are genuinely trying to figure out how many times she did suck, so I don’t want to go too crazy.

Eric: I think it’s good at two.

Andrew: Okay.

Laura: Yeah, I think that’s fair.


Connecting the Threads


Laura: All right, well, we have some threads to connect. One of the first ones that I thought was really interesting between Prisoner of Azkaban and Order of the Phoenix is that at this point in Order of the Phoenix, as well as the end of Prisoner of Azkaban, Dumbledore is including Harry and his friends in purposefully undermining the Ministry to save a key Order member. So we’ll all remember at the end of Prisoner of Azkaban, Fudge is already at Hogwarts, the events at the Shrieking Shack have transpired, Sirius is locked up in a tower, the Dementors are preparing to administer the Kiss, and Dumbledore just hears Harry and Hermione’s recounting of the events, acknowledges that there is little to no evidence to support them, but he’s like, “Eh, I believe you anyway.”

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: And sends them back in time to save Sirius and Buckbeak. Here, the evidence is obviously far more believable, I would say; however, we’re still relying on a dream that Harry had. But Dumbledore deliberately circumvents Umbridge as she’s trying to figure out what’s happening in order to get Harry and the Weasleys away from Hogwarts and her in order to ultimately save Arthur, and also create a cover story for him so that he doesn’t get in trouble for being where he was at the time.

Micah: Nice.

Laura: Then I thought this was really interesting, because I get that Harry is frustrated with Dumbledore here. Dumbledore has a history throughout the series of not being terribly clear with his intentions. So at the end of Prisoner of Azkaban, when he’s explaining to Hermione what she needs to do with the Time-Turner and Harry is like, “What are you talking about?” Dumbledore says, “Thirteenth window from the right of the West Tower. If all goes well, you will be able to save more than one innocent life tonight.”

Andrew: Oh, I love that.

Laura: Why not just say, “Save Buckbeak and Sirius”?

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: What if…? Or here’s an alternate reading: What if he was talking about a different life entirely? What if somebody else…?

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: What if one of Sprout’s assistants got attacked by a Venomous Tentacula, and Dumbledore was like, “I meant for you to save them!”

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: “There’s as a world of possibilities. Go out there and see how many people you can save.”

Laura: But then literally after this, he’s just like, “Good luck!” and leaves.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Laura: And Harry seems to be okay with this lack of clarity, as long as he feels like he has an in with Dumbledore.

Andrew: [laughs] Yeah.

Laura: So it’s really the fact that he doesn’t have an in with Dumbledore anymore that’s so frustrating to him. And we already talked about the portion earlier in the chapter where he’s like, “But in essence divided?” He’s doing this in front of everybody while they’re all being like, “Yeah, my dad’s bleeding out somewhere. What are you doing, man?”

Andrew: “Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh, but in essence divided? Hmm, mhmm, huh…”

Laura: [laughs] Right. So actually, I would argue that Dumbledore has been doing this for a very long time, and Harry is only frustrated now because Dumbledore won’t acknowledge his existence. And then this was a cool one: So there’s a really interesting parallel, I think, between Snape and Kreacher. So at the end of Prisoner of Azkaban, Snape is really beside himself about Dumbledore seemingly taking Harry and Hermione’s side. Dumbledore communicates that he wants to speak to Harry and Hermione alone to hear their recounting of the events; Snape goes off and is like, “Oh, come on, this is completely ridiculous. Sirius Black was showing that he was capable of being a killer when he was in school. Do you not remember when he tried to kill me, Dumbledore?” And Dumbledore still pushes Snape out of the room so that Snape cannot be involved in this conversation. At the end of the book, following the events that allowed Sirius to escape, Snape is so frustrated by how everything played out that he just lets slip that Remus Lupin is a werewolf, and this results in Lupin having to resign his post at Hogwarts, and also creates further employment difficulties for him down the road. So Snape, in this way, has betrayed a Marauder. While Kreacher is, I would argue, more rudely banished from a dramatic interaction of everybody arriving at Grimmauld Place, and he’s probably kind of wanting to be in on the action, Sirius yells at him to get out, and we know now that this is the moment where Kreacher interprets that he’s been banished, right? And this is what opens up the opportunity for him to set into play the sequence of events that directly lead to Sirius’s death. So he also betrays a Marauder.

Andrew: Wow.

Eric: Nice.

Andrew: Yeah, very interesting.


MVP of the Week


Andrew: All right, it’s time for MVP of the Week.

[MVP of the Week music plays]

Andrew: I’m going to give it to the portraits for this fascinating network of portraits that they can jump between. They saved Arthur Weasley.

Micah: Nice. Going to give it to Sirius, just because I felt like despite everything that was going on, and his treatment of Kreacher aside, in that moment where he needed to come through as a mature adult, he did.

Laura: I’m going to give it to Arthur because even though we haven’t actually seen him in this chapter yet, we do learn that he pulls through. And I’ve just got to give it to him for recognizing that there are some things that are just more important, and that he’s willing to put his life on the line for what’s right.

Eric: And I gave my MVP of the Week to Sirius also, for maintaining a cool head and really, for once, just handling Fred and George’s criticism. First of all for handling them, and then for handling their criticism really responsibly.


Rename the Chapter


Andrew: All right, let’s rename the chapter. Order of the Phoenix Chapter 22, “Portraits to the Rescue!”

Micah: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 22, “The Godfather.”

Eric: [laughs] Oh, nice.

Laura: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 22, “Imposter Syndrome.”

Eric: Nice. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 22, “Redhead Rescue Mission.”

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: I don’t know where I came up with… I was failing to come up with a title until I wasn’t.

Andrew: No, I like that.

Laura: I like it too.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: If you have any feedback about today’s discussion, send it on in, MuggleCast@gmail.com, or use the contact form on MuggleCast.com. We would also love your feedback about the second half of this chapter; we might incorporate it into next week’s episode of MuggleCast.


Quizzitch


Andrew: It’s time now for Quizzitch.

[Quizzitch music plays]

Eric: It’s all St. Mungo’s, baby, this time and next time. But last week’s question was: What is the name of the department storefront which hides St. Mungo’s to the Muggles? The correct answer is Purge and Dowse Ltd., which was awesome. We had eight winners this week, including Becca, ReeseWithoutHerSpoon, Caleb McReynolds, HallowWolf13, Erika, I Miss Sports, Jenny Beez, and CountRavioli.

Andrew: Stay safe, CountRavioli! Thinking of you!

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: And all the other seven people that sent in their answers.

Eric: Yes.

Andrew: Of course, of course.

Micah: You know, Eric, I’m wondering: You proposed three Quizzitch questions last week. Is this the reason why you wanted to split the chapter, so that you could use two of the three questions?

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Eric: Maybe. I don’t know. It all happened so organically, Micah; I can’t really pinpoint any one occurrence. But next week’s question will also have to do with St. Mungo’s chapter, the one we just read part one of: What color robes do the Healers of St. Mungo’s wear? And submit your answer to us over on Twitter at MuggleCast, with hashtag Quizzitch. Happy playing.

Andrew: We would also love if you joined us over on Patreon. Patreon.com/MuggleCast is where you can support the show. By doing so, you will have access to our livestreams so you can join us as we are recording each episode. If you pledge at the $5 level or higher, you will be eligible for this year’s physical gift, which we hope to announce in the weeks ahead. You will also get access to bonus MuggleCast and so much more, so thank you, everybody, for supporting us. We appreciate it extra right now, because in these uncertain times, we’re also losing a couple of advertisers because they’re uncertain about advertising as well, so we could really use your support in keeping the show funded. And we have so many benefits there; we just really love this community of listeners and patrons. One of our newer benefits has been recording a personalized “Thank you” message to each new person who pledges, and that has been so much fun, and I know everybody’s been liking those as well. So if you do pledge today, you will get a video message from one of the four of us in about a week’s time. And I mentioned bonus MuggleCast coming up today; like I mentioned, over on Patreon we will be discussing the instrument in Dumbledore’s office, and what the hell that was, and J.K. Rowling’s comments on it, so stay tuned for that. Again, that will be available at Patreon.com/MuggleCast. Thank you, thank you, thank you to everybody who supports us and everybody who listens, and like I said at the top of the show, we hope you’re all doing well, and we hope that MuggleCast has been a source of comfort for you. And if you’re looking for some extra comfort, do check out that live show that we did. It’s available to everybody; check it out on our social media channels. We think you’ll enjoy it a lot. Like Micah mentioned, we played Heads Up, and that was a lot of fun. [laughs] It’s like the game Password, but with a modern twist.

Micah: And we also shared a bunch of Harry Potter items that all of us have accumulated over the years, and that was fun.

Andrew: Yeah, we did a show and tell.

Micah: Yeah, show and tell. Live show and tell.

Andrew: It was fun. All right, thank you, everybody, so much for listening. I’m Andrew.

Eric: I’m Eric.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: Goodbye.

Laura and Micah: Bye.

Transcript #457

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #457, The Grim Granger (OOTP 21, The Eye of the Snake)


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into the wizarding world. I’m Andrew.

Micah Tannenbaum: I’m Micah.

Laura Tee: I’m Laura.

Andrew: And we’re joined by one of our Slug Club members this week, Abbey. Hi, Abbey. How you doing?

Abbey: Hi, guys. I’m doing great.

Andrew: You also host a podcast. Tell us about it.

Abbey: I do; it’s called “The On-Call Room,” and it’s a Grey’s Anatomy podcast. We’re deep-diving every episode. So we’re currently in… I think we’re just about to start Season 9. So it’s been three years, and it’s taken a long time. There’s a lot of episodes of Grey’s.

Micah: How many seasons are there?

Abbey: Oh my God. I think we’re in the 16th right now, and hopefully there’s only one more. We’re praying for it to end.

Andrew: [laughs] Hopeful? What?!

Micah: That’s not good for business, though.

Abbey: [laughs] It’s true, but it’s getting worse. It’s like if the Harry Potter books just kept getting worse instead of better, you know?

Micah: Oh, like Cursed Child?

[Abbey and Andrew laugh]

Abbey: Yeah, so it’s really fun, but we really want to have a good close to it sometime. It’ll be, like, five years by the time we’re done.

Andrew and Laura: Yeah.

Andrew: You’ve done really well with it, so congrats.

Abbey: Yeah, thank you. So everyone should check it out if they like Grey’s. It’s real fun.

Andrew: Yeah, for sure. I mean, speaking as a person who has a podcast in which we’re talking about books from 10/15/20 years ago, I think you’ll come to regret when they run out of new material.

[Abbey and Andrew laugh]

Andrew: Because we’re like, “What do we do?” There’s nothing new.

Abbey: I definitely think about you guys when you talk about how you thought you were done, and then here you are ten years later.

Andrew: Yeah, which we’re obviously thrilled by. We’re having a great time doing this podcast, and it’s great to have listeners on like you. So welcome to the show, and let’s get your fandom ID.

Abbey: All right, so my favorite book is Order of the Phoenix, so this is fitting. My favorite movie is Deathly Hallows – Part 2; I really like a good cry, and that soundtrack is so good. And then I’m a Hufflepuff, my Ilvermorny House is Thunderbird, and my Patronus is a badger.

Andrew: Okay.

Abbey: And then we’re talking father figures, right?

Andrew: Yeah, who is your favorite Harry Potter father figure in the series?

Abbey: I had to think about this one, and I’m going to go with Xenophilius Lovegood, but only if I am Luna, because I feel like he really puts everything on the line and betrays Harry. But if I were Luna, I’d want him as my dad.

Andrew: I see, yeah. Cool, cool.

Laura: Yeah, he does kind of drop the ball.

Abbey: He does. But also, before that he’s a journalist publishing things.

Laura: Yeah, wonderful.

Abbey: So I love that.

Andrew: Yeah, and the reason we asked this question is because we are discussing Order of the Phoenix Chapter 21 this week, and Arthur is obviously in great danger, but is saved thanks to Harry, so we’ll talk about that today.


News


Andrew: First, some news, and there’s actually a lot of news because, as everybody knows, there is this Coronavirus pandemic sweeping the world, and it has affected the Wizarding World. First of all, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child on Broadway and in San Francisco – and I think one or two other productions around the world – are currently closed because we all are supposed to be practicing social distancing right now, which is no problem for podcasters, at least for our show. [laughs]

Laura: Yep, born for this.

Andrew: Yeah. We’ve been training our whole life for this. Introverts unite!

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Also, Universal, both of their theme parks in America have closed; that is where the Wizarding World lands are. This is the first time I think that the Wizarding World parks are closed. Theme parks rarely ever close, so that’s a pretty big deal. I know this is the fourth time in history that Disneyland has closed. And then there’s been some other news because of Coronavirus. It turns out we learned from a reputable gaming site, Kotaku; they revealed that Warner Bros. was planning on officially announcing that Harry Potter RPG that leaked a couple years ago, that one in which you are a latecomer to Hogwarts. And so that was supposed to be announced at E3 this year, but now E3 is canceled, so presumably WB will announce it in another way. But that’s exciting news because this trailer – or sizzle reel, or whatever you want to call it – leaked, and it just looks so amazing. And everybody got so excited about it back in the middle of 2018, and we haven’t heard a peep about it since then, and now it looks like it is real and we are going to be hearing about it in the months head, so that’s cool.

Abbey: And maybe we can all just live inside the RPG game if we’re still in self-quarantine. [laughs]

Andrew: Right. Warner Bros., just release it now. We need something to do at home.

Abbey: Right.

Andrew: I’m sure it’s ready.

Micah: Yeah, release the trailer, at least. Give us something to go on.

Andrew: Yeah, come on.

Micah: But I’m not sure if you saw this, Andrew – I think you did because I saw something on MuggleCast Twitter – but also, Wizards Unite has decided to add more Confoundables to their game, knowing that people are not going to be out and about as much. So if you live in Podunk, USA, there’s a good chance you have a few more of Confoundables showing up around your house.

Andrew: [laughs] This is your chance. You can play without leaving.

Laura: So what you’re saying is I can…

Micah: Laura, yeah, I’m talking to you.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: I can sit on my couch. This is wonderful.

Andrew: And some studios have halted production of their major movies, but not Warner Bros.; they’re saying, “Let’s keep rolling.” And when Variety reported that Warner Bros. was going to continue shooting, they revealed that Fantastic Beasts 3 is going to begin filming this Monday. Or by the time you’re listening to the show, they’ve already started. They are supposed to start Monday, March 16. Hopefully, WizardingWorld.com will make some sort of announcement about this news. Maybe a title? Probably too early for a title, but maybe some details about what’s going to be happening in this third installment, so that’s exciting. And once filming gets underway, there tends to be leaks; we get these photos from the set when they’re doing outdoor filming, and we hear about these actors going to set through their social media channels, stuff like that, so hopefully we’ll have some stuff to talk about regarding Fantastic Beasts 3 in the weeks ahead. That said, if Coronavirus continues to spread and the numbers continue to grow rapidly, I would imagine that Warner Bros. will stop filming, but since the movie is not scheduled for release until November 2021, I feel like a delay in shooting won’t actually affect the release date, but we’ll see.

Micah: Now, is this filming that’s taking place down in Brazil, or this is filming that’s taking place at Leavesden?

Andrew: Leavesden, yeah. Apparently where they’re also currently filming The Batman, starring Twilight star Robert Pattinson.

Abbey: A reunion, of sorts.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: He’ll hop over and reprise his role as Cedric. [laughs] Yeah, that’s definitely what’s happening. That’s all that’s happening in the Wizarding World. Coronavirus is affecting the world, and that includes what we talk about here on the show, so everybody stay safe, wash your hands, and stay inside if you can. In some better news, Bloomsbury revealed the covers for Quidditch Through the Ages, and I say covers because the US and UK are getting different covers for some reason. This is for the illustrated edition of the book.

Micah: “For some reason.” What do you think that reason is?

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Well, I mean, if you look at these covers, the UK one is much better than the US one. I am not buying this US one.

Abbey: Yeah, I agree.

Andrew: The US one is just basic. It’s got the Snitch on it, and it’s got three players, and then… but the UK one, it’s got, like, a million things on the cover. It’s just whimsical and fun. Why do you like this one more, Abbey?

Abbey: I like the illustrations of the Quaffle and everything on the bottom there too. I don’t know, and it just… yeah, like you said, it’s just really whimsical. It looks like they put way more time into it.

Andrew: [laughs] Scholastic was like, “Okay, we have four things on it. That’s enough.” Bloomsbury was like, “We’re going to have 400 things on it!” And then we saw some scans from inside the book, and this just looks phenomenal. I mean, we see the history of Quidditch, we see this sketch of Quidditch in the 15th century, and then we see all these different types of Quidditch players from over the years, and some postcards, and yeah, just all kinds of things. This book looks really great.

Micah: I really love the ticket stub from Quidditch World Cup 1974.

Andrew: Oh, yeah.

Micah: Madagascar versus Syria. That’s really cool stuff. She often talked about how she really didn’t like to write Quidditch in the books, but this looks really, really cool. And I honestly don’t even remember reading or sitting down and going through Quidditch Through the Ages much, but with this illustrated edition, I definitely think I’m going to do that.

Andrew: I’m feeling the same way.

Abbey: I also love the illustration of Catriona McCormack with the Pride team, “The Prides,” and then how it says in the small print that “her love of ‘The Prides,’ and how to wear purple with flair.” I’m loving that.

Andrew: [laughs] Yeah, it looks really great. They’ve obviously done an incredible job with the illustrated editions. This is the last of the little spinoff books to get an illustrated edition; Fantastic Beasts and The Tales of Beedle the Bard are already out, and we’ve reviewed them in years past. So Quidditch Through the Ages illustrated edition arrives later this year. Also arriving this year is MinaLima’s Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone illustrated edition, so there’s going to be two illustrated editions for us to enjoy this year.

Micah: And we hope to have MinaLima on the show prior to that release. We’re working on it.

Laura: So which of these editions do you guys think you’re going to get?

Micah: Both.

Andrew: Definitely the UK one.

Laura: Same.

Andrew: US one can go to hell. [laughs]

Micah: Wow.

Laura: The US one, I feel like they were just like, “We need something that is super reminiscent of Harry Potter,” so they just grabbed the Snitch. They were like, “This is really recognizable. Make that big, and then that’ll do.”

Andrew: Yeah. Somebody needs to send me that UK one, or… I don’t know, I don’t want to travel over there right now.

Laura: I mean, Amazon probably?

Andrew: Can I…? Will Bezos let me do that?

Micah: Of course he will.

Andrew: Okay, great.

Laura: Yeah, he likes money.

Andrew: And Laura, you’ll take the UK one too?

Laura: Yeah.

Andrew: Okay, great. If Eric was here, I’m sure he would say the US one, because he just likes to be different.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Of course he does.

Andrew: [laughs] By the way, this illustrated edition is by Emily Gravett, who has not illustrated one of these Harry Potter books before. I like that they’re getting new illustrators for these books to bring some different perspectives to the series.

Micah: But how did she go about illustrating these two different covers, though? What direction was she given?

Andrew: Oh, that’s a good point.

Micah: Because if we’re all saying we really, really enjoy the cover that is done for the UK, and don’t like the US one…

Andrew: I didn’t think about that. I didn’t even realize she probably did both of these. She was probably like, “Wait, you need two covers? Why?”

[Abbey and Andrew laugh]

Andrew: “It’s the same book!”

Micah: Hopefully she got paid for both of them.

Andrew: In fairness, Fantastic Beasts has different covers in the US and UK, but the core Harry Potter books do not, the illustrated editions.

Abbey: Also, isn’t the original Quidditch Through the Ages that we all got when we were younger…? Isn’t that the same color green that this one is? Are they trying to match that?

Andrew: Ohhh, thank you.

Abbey: I just thought of that.

Andrew: That’s it. That’s right. Good catch. And yeah, the illustrated edition of Fantastic Beasts is red in the US.

Abbey: Is red, okay.

Andrew: Yep. We cracked it. Cover still sucks, but we cracked it.

Abbey: Yep.

Micah: Do we know is there any additional information that’s in Quidditch Through the Ages illustrated edition versus what was in the original?

Andrew: No, I think it’s the same. But because of all these illustrations, we’re seeing a lot more. We’re getting a lot more detail, like this magazine cover and a photo of Quidditch in 1473.

Micah: Because I’m just thinking a couple of episodes ago, we were talking about McGonagall and her backstory, the fact that her mother was this great Quidditch player; she ended up playing at Hogwarts, but then injured herself and wasn’t able to play professionally. Could be cool info to include in Quidditch Through the Ages.

Andrew: Yeah. All right, we’re about to get to Chapter by Chapter, but first, this week’s episode is sponsored by Quip.

[Ad break]


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Andrew: All right, it’s time for Chapter by Chapter, and we are discussing Order of the Phoenix Chapter 21, [whispers] “The Eye of the Snake.”

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: And we’ll start with our seven-word summary. And Abbey, you will go first.

Abbey: Gosh. Okay, um… Harry…

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

Andrew: … heads…

Micah: … toward…

Laura: What?

Abbey: Yeah, I couldn’t hear that either. [laughs]

Micah: Toward. Towards. Sorry.

Abbey: Oh, okay.

Laura: Oh, Jesus.

[Laura and Micah laugh]

Laura: … Arthur…

Abbey: … in…

Andrew: … peril…

Micah: Harry heads towards Arthur in peril… snakily?

[Everyone laughs]

Abbey: That is good.

Andrew: Good job. [laughs]

Abbey: Saved it.

Micah: I saved it, yeah.

[Abbey laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, I would have just been lazy and said “today.”

Micah: I was just thinking of throwing out random words like “Nagini.”

[Everyone laughs]


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Micah: Wanted to start out this chapter connecting some threads, because I just thought it was too much; there was too much happening at the start of this chapter to not do that. And I’ll defer to Laura on some of these, but I just thought the first part of this chapter overall was very reminiscent of Prisoner of Azkaban when Hagrid takes the students to meet Buckbeak. Number one, they’re getting very important lessons on winged creatures, Hippogriffs and Thestrals, and both end up being used in an escape plan at the end of the book. The Thestrals are used to get to the Ministry; Buckbeak is used to free Sirius. So J.K. Rowling is definitely using things from Book 3 here in Book 5, right?

Laura: Oh, yeah. I mean, even down to the setup for the lesson, if you reread… gosh, I think it was Chapter 7 of Prisoner of Azkaban, “Talons and Tea Leaves.” When they’re going for their Care of Magical Creatures lesson, they notice that it looks like Hagrid is leading them into the forest, and Harry is like, “Oh God, I hope he’s not taking us in there.”

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: And he doesn’t, but then in Order of the Phoenix, he definitely does.

Micah: And Laura, you mentioned this on a previous episode, but Hermione at the start of this chapter is spending her free time trying to help Hagrid prepare for his lessons, and this is very similar to her helping Hagrid plan Buckbeak’s defense in Prisoner of Azkaban.

Laura: Yeah. Whereas in Prisoner of Azkaban, Hagrid is happy to accept her help, and then here in Order of the Phoenix, he’s very resistant.

Andrew: “I got this, girl.” Good on Hermione for wanting to help Hagrid, but poor Hagrid gets no help from anybody else except for a student, and that student just finds Hagrid helpless.

Micah: So you think somebody else should have tried to help him out? Give him warning about Umbridge?

Andrew: Maybe, maybe. Does he have anybody who can come to his aid when he needs it? Or does he have any close friends who can help him out from time to time? It just seems like he’s hopeless.

Laura: Yeah. [coughs] Dumbledore.

[Abbey and Andrew laugh]

Abbey: It is weird, too, that the only interactions… you don’t see any of him with teachers besides Umbridge in this chapter. Even when he’s at the table for the first time, Fred, George, and Lee are the ones that go and greet him; they talk about that. So it’s just weird that there’s no other teacher interactions.

Andrew: Yeah, exactly. I mean, they should have each other’s backs. [laughs] Instead a student is helping him. Just bums me out.

Micah: True, especially the way that Hagrid is about to be treated by Umbridge later on in this chapter. You would hope that somebody is there to stick up for him, to step in and make a difference.

Andrew: I wanted to bring that up as well. Shouldn’t somebody have warned him? But we can talk about that later.

Micah: One other thing that I just want to call out at the start of the chapter is Malfoy, and he’s really a little whiny [censored] about going into the forest. And I understand he hasn’t had the best experiences there, going all the way back to Sorcerer’s Stone, but I truly hope that he’s having Buckbeak flashbacks, just given how he treats Hagrid later on in this chapter.

Andrew: He probably is. Yeah, I think so.

Abbey: I think it’d be worse if he could see the Thestrals. He can’t even see them, so his flashbacks must be real real in that moment.

Andrew: Yeah, this is like a nightmare to him, because he doesn’t know what’s lurking around the corner. But this is that one little thing about Malfoy that we feel good about, right? Because he actually does have some cracks. He’s not as tough as he tries to act like he is.

Micah: Absolutely. And I think that ties into Abbey’s point, because Hagrid also should be thinking through his lessons – and this goes to Hermione trying to prep him appropriately – because he’s about to introduce these creatures that, let’s say, 90% of the class – probably more than that – can’t even see, and I’m not sure that’s the best lesson for these students, the first lesson back for Hagrid. And it’s a very ominous sort of situation for these students, who are already on edge because Professor Grubbly-Plank is not there and Hagrid is back, and they know that he has a track record where he introduced some creatures that are dangerous.

Laura: Do we think that it mattered, though, what Hagrid was covering? I feel like he was set up for failure no matter what. The Slytherins were more than prepared to throw him under the bus; Umbridge was prepared to show up and make him look like a fool no matter what, so I’m not sure it would have really mattered.

Micah: That’s a fair point. So even if they were cute little Nifflers, you think they would have found a way to make Hagrid look bad.

Laura: I think so.

Abbey: I agree.

Andrew: Well, and then, yeah, Umbridge is just making fun of the way he talks and interprets and listens, so yeah, he was about to get bullied no matter what.

Micah: One thing he does say, though, that I just didn’t like – and I didn’t think was very teacher-like to say to a student – it’s directed at Malfoy, and he says, “If yeh’ve finished askin’ stupid questions, follow me.”

Andrew: Right. What did we always hear growing up? “There are no stupid questions.”

Laura: And then you get to university, and you find out that that’s not true.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Right, they tell you that to try to make you feel better and encourage you to participate in class.

Abbey: I also think as a reader, too, you don’t know what Hagrid is hiding yet, and so once you do, you understand the stress that he’s under. But at this point you don’t know that, and so you’re just wondering why he’s being so out of character.

Micah: He’s very proud of it, though, the fact that he’s been able to corral these Thestrals and domesticate them, essentially. And the introduction is definitely a little bit odd for us as readers, too, because to your point, we don’t know what they are yet, and only two other students aside from Harry can see them; one is a Slytherin boy, and the other is Neville. And again, this goes to the point about should Hagrid be introducing these creatures to these fifth year students, especially those who have experienced death? Because this may be a traumatic flashback for some of these young kids once they understand why it is that they can see them.

Laura: And it does put them on the spot, too, because now it’s like, “Hey, these three people have seen somebody die,” and then could possibly prompt their peers to start asking them questions. Obviously, everybody knows why Harry can see them, but as for Neville and this Slytherin student, not so much. So I agree, it does put a burden on the students for sure.

Andrew: Yeah, and that isn’t addressed at all, but I think those students are absolutely burdened, and that would probably haunt them for weeks, at least, reliving this death.

Laura: Do you know why that is, Andrew?

Andrew: Because Hogwarts is an emotional nightmare.

[“It’s starting to sound like a security nightmare!” sound effect plays with sirens, with Andrew saying the word “emotional” over “security”]

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: It even, though, prompts Hermione a little bit later on in the chapter, after the lesson is done, to say in front of Harry that she wishes that she could see Thestrals. It’s a little bit of a tone-deaf statement to make.

Andrew: [laughs] But you know… and she apologizes; she’s like, “Oh, I didn’t mean it.” But you know deep down, she still wants to see the Thestrals. And I’m wondering who would she kill so she could see a Thestral?

[Abbey laughs]

Andrew: Because she’s definitely thinking about killing somebody. Now, who should it be?

[Laura laughs]

Abbey: I feel like Umbridge, the way she shakes with fury.

Andrew: Yeah, because she’s awful towards Hagrid.

Abbey: I also relate to Hermione, because sometimes… there’s people who process verbally and who process internally, and I feel like Hermione is someone that processes things out loud, without thinking, and this was totally one of those instances where she just means educationally she wishes she could see them and is not even thinking about it.

Laura: And who among us has not been in this position before, of having something just come tumbling out of your mouth and then realizing, once it’s out in the world, how horrible it sounded?

Abbey: [laughs] Right.

Laura: And then you’re like, “No, no, that’s not what I meant! I’m sorry!”

[Abbey laughs]

Andrew: Yep. I’m trying to look it up now; is it only if you’ve witnessed a human death, or could it be an animal death as well? Because then maybe Hermione could go and kill a chipmunk or something.

Abbey: Why does she have to be the murderer? [laughs]

Laura: Yeah, can’t she just show up at somebody’s deathbed and just be there?

Micah: All right, well, I’m super glad where this conversation has gone.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: I just think Hermione, she always… she wants to know and see everything, so now she’s thinking about, “How do I see somebody die so I can complete my encyclopedia of a brain?”

[Laura laughs]

Micah: There are books that I’m sure show Thestrals that she could look at.

Andrew: That’s true.

Micah: People who have seen them probably have drawn them. And Newt; she could pick up a copy of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them and see a Thestral.

Andrew: Okay, cool.

Abbey: Do you think if you photograph one, they’ll show up if you’ve seen death?

Andrew and Micah: Hmm.

Micah: That’s interesting.

Andrew: Well, since photos are magical in the wizarding world, I would think they would be dynamic in that, no, you still would not be able to see Thestrals, in my opinion.

Abbey: Okay, gotcha.

Andrew: That’s why Hermione needs to kill somebody.

Micah: We do learn a bit more about Thestrals. Hagrid lets us know that they do have an amazing sense of direction, and that’s important for later on in this book. We also learn that, in addition to carrying the students up to Hogwarts in those horse-drawn carriages, that Dumbledore occasionally takes them to a meeting that he can’t Apparate to, so I was wondering, where is Dumbledore riding a Thestral to and why have we not seen this photo before?

Andrew: Yeah. Where’s the fan art?

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: It probably does exist somewhere.

Andrew: Yeah. It’s almost like us wanting to ride Hagrid’s Magical Creatures Motorbike Adventure, now closed at Universal Orlando. Dumbledore enjoys taking a ride from time to time, something more thrilling than Apparating somewhere.

Abbey: Feels the breeze in his hair?

Andrew: [laughs] Yeah, his hair blowing in the wind.

Laura: Do you think this is what he was riding in Sorcerer’s Stone when he was on his way to the Ministry and he passed Hermione’s owl midair?

Abbey and Andrew: Maybe.

Andrew: I’m on Google image search and I don’t see a single photo…

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: … so somebody get on that; you can be the first.

Micah: It’s one of those really small notes that I didn’t even remember that this was mentioned by Hagrid when talking about Thestrals, that Dumbledore had actually used them as a means of transportation from time to time.

Andrew: Micah, I don’t understand why this is, but in my Google image search for Dumbledore riding a Thestral, I see the photo of you and Eric riding Hagrid’s Magical Creatures Motorbike Adventure.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: I don’t get it. [laughs] And the MuggleCast album art. There’s clearly not much for Google to show for this search phrase.

Micah: Now, you had a couple points here, Andrew.

Andrew: Oh, yeah.

Micah: I know we touched a little bit on the fact that it wasn’t wise to put students who have seen death in this situation, but does this lend to Hagrid’s ability or capability in terms of teaching students?

Andrew: Exactly. He’s not thinking this through. I do wonder if Hagrid filled in Hermione about his lesson, if Hermione would have said, “Do you think that’s the best idea, making some students relive the death of probably a loved one? And think about what you’re about to put Harry through. And then also think about how Umbridge is going to react to you bringing Thestrals in front of students.” So yeah, this is just another case of Hagrid not being the brightest bulb in the box, and I just feel bad for those kids.

Laura: I mean, I will say Hermione does note later in the chapter that they would have had to learn about these creatures anyway, but that they were more NEWT level creatures, so she felt that he introduced them a bit early, but they still would have had to have this experience. It is in the curriculum, so he wasn’t necessarily out of bounds there; he just introduced them a bit early.

Andrew: And maybe he could have warned the students. Instead of springing these beasts on them, say, “Hey, I’m about to introduce you to a creature who, if you’ve seen death, you’ll be able to see the Thestrals.” Just give them a warning.

Laura: Yeah, but also bearing in mind when these books were written… the story takes place in the ’90s; trigger warnings were not a thing.

Andrew: True.

Laura: So just have to remember when we’re reading it through the 2020 lens, things were different.

Micah: Yep.

Andrew: Hogwarts probably still does not have trigger warnings.

Laura: Probably not.

Andrew: They just throw it all out there. Make the kids deal with it. Emotional security nightmare.

Micah: And not just for the students who have experienced death in their lives, but for those who haven’t, Hagrid is going into the forest, I think they said, with half a deer or something slung over his shoulder, and he’s feeding this raw meat to something these kids can’t even see. It’s like the flesh is being ripped from the bone, and that’s kind of creepy to have to watch when you can’t even see what’s going on.

Andrew: [laughs] That’s terrifying. Yeah, great for Halloween, but not a class. And yeah, I mean, I brought this up earlier, but it is a bummer that no member of faculty is prepping Hagrid for Umbridge’s arrival, because they’ve already been through it, and nobody’s warning him, “Hey, Umbridge is going to come down here and be really critical of what you’re doing, no matter what it is, and she’s going to interrupt you, and the Slytherin students are going to love what she does. Just be ready.” And nobody warns him.

Laura: Well, the trio tried to warn him, and we also don’t know what his conversations with his fellow faculty members looked like. I can see him very much dismissing them in the same way that he’s dismissed the trio, as well as Hermione on her own when they’ve been trying to tell him, “No, Hagrid, this is actually really serious,” and he’s just like, “Nah, it’ll be okay. I’ve got really interesting lesson plans coming up; you’ll see.” So I could see his peers trying to warn him about this, and him being like, “No. What problem could she have with Thestrals? They’re so interesting.”

Andrew: Yeah, yeah, I guess. We just don’t have any proof that a member of faculty actually warned him, and given how the school is run, it would not surprise me if nobody warned him.

Micah: To Laura’s point, though, you would think he would have at least had a conversation with Professor Grubbly-Plank. But let’s get to his evaluation. It goes about as bad as it possibly could. And this is something, again, rereading the book as an adult, that you pick up on some things in addition to Umbridge just being extremely crude. She treats him like he is mentally challenged.

Abbey: It’s so hard to read.

Micah: It really is. But that said, I thought we could go through some of the things that she writes down and some of the things that she says to Hagrid. She mentions that he “has to resort to crude sign language,” “appears to have poor short term memory,” “shows signs of pleasure at the idea of violence,” and – again, this is a quote from the book – she says, “I am going to walk,” she mimes walking, “‘among the students’ – she pointed around at individual members of the class – ‘and ask them questions.’ She pointed at her mouth to indicate talking.” That’s just… can’t even imagine something like that going on in a classroom in today’s society, although I’m sure there’s probably examples of it. But if the truth came out that an evaluator did that to a teacher, I’m sure that evaluator would be fired immediately.

Andrew: Oh, yeah.

Abbey: It reminds me of that horrible thing when you see someone talking louder and slower to someone who doesn’t speak English, like that would help. It’s just horrible to… yeah, it’s not great.

Micah: Yeah. And unfortunately, there are… she’s really playing to a base here in the Slytherin students – Pansy, Draco, and others – and that’s just… to me, that makes it even worse, right? She’s essentially just trying to make as much light of this situation as she possibly can, and the fact that she needs kids who are 15 and 16 years old to validate what she’s doing makes it even worse.

Andrew: Yeah, it’s awful. Grow the hell up.

Micah: And you can tell Hagrid is starting to… more so with the students, less so with Umbridge, because with Umbridge he’s just looking at her like she’s crazy and can’t understand why she’s doing what she’s doing. But when Pansy even says that Hagrid grunts and it makes it difficult to understand, Hagrid gets offended by that. He starts to get a little bit uncomfortable.

Andrew: Yeah, yeah. And Hagrid is proving he’s not as stupid as Umbridge is making him out to be, because he is responding to the things that Umbridge is saying, at least a few of them, being like, “No, these aren’t dangerous. Everything’s fine.”

Micah: Yeah, I’m assuming in his mind he’s wondering if she’s slightly off because of what she’s doing and how she’s acting towards him.

Abbey: Right.

Laura: Yep, that’s how it comes across for sure.

Andrew: Well, he’s right; she is off. But this was also making me wonder, should the trio have gone to McGonagall or someone else about this? Because we’re sitting here talking about how horrible this is; I think this is something that should have been brought up to the faculty. I mean, this is abuse in real time from one teacher to another.

Micah: But isn’t that what she’s all about, though? This is definitely… we love Hagrid, though. Think about Trelawney’s situation; we all felt bad for her, but at the end of the day, were we really as up in arms about what she did to somebody like Trelawney versus now what she’s doing to Hagrid?

Andrew: Right.

Abbey: I was going to say, I just think it really speaks to Hermione’s character, too, the way that she is so… she gets so physically upset about it; like “tears of fury,” they say, and it says, “shaking with fury again.” She tried so hard to help him and just cares so much for him. I just hate that she feels that way, but I love that moment because it really shows how much she cares.

Micah: Yeah, absolutely. When they just have that sentence or two about as she’s leaving… or as the lesson is ending, Hermione is physically shaking; Neville is kind of dumbfounded. And speaking of Neville, she completely manipulates his words to her own personal satisfaction. She says that students are too intimidated to admit that they’re frightened, and that’s not what’s happening with Neville. Neville is probably going through a bit of… was it his grandfather who he saw pass away? So he’s dealing with that, but he also probably doesn’t want to say the wrong thing here and get Hagrid in trouble.

Andrew and Laura: Yeah.

Laura: I think that’s exactly it.

Micah: All right. Well, to wrap up this beautiful evaluation that Umbridge does, she says to Hagrid, “speaking once more in that loud, slow voice, ‘I think I’ve got enough to be getting along with… You will receive’ – she mimed taking something from the air in front of her – ‘the results of your inspection’ – she pointed at the clipboard – ‘in ten days time.’ She held up ten stubby little fingers, then, her smile wider and more toad-like than ever before beneath her green hat, she bustled from their midst, leaving Malfoy and Pansy in fits of laughter, Hermione shaking with fury, and Neville looking confused and upset.”

Andrew: I know who I’m going to kill now so I can see a Thestral.

[Abbey laughs]

Micah: Yeah, so that… I mean, there’s so much that goes on in this chapter, and it starts off with this evaluation, which I think we all knew was coming. We were all kind of hopeful at the beginning of the lesson because it didn’t seem like she was present, and then we learn that she had left a note in Hagrid’s hut or at Hagrid’s door that she was going to be stopping by. Hagrid thinks nothing of it. But given how everything goes, we can safely assume that he’s definitely on her shortlist to be fired or told to take some more time for his health.

Andrew: Yeah. “Go get some more sun.”

Micah: So the chapter shifts; December arrives with lots of homework and prefect duties. And as the holidays are approaching, Harry is actually feeling resentment towards Hogwarts, and this is the first time that he can remember that he’s actually looking to getting away from the castle. And I thought that was kind of interesting, because Hogwarts has always been a place where he’s enjoyed.

Andrew: Yeah, J.K. Rowling always writes that Harry cannot wait to get back to school – get out of the Dursleys’ home, get back to see his friends – and for the first time, he needs a break. And even this stuff aside, I mean, it’s understandable because he’s in his fifth year now. Hogwarts, he still loves it to death, of course, but it’s also nice to get a little break. I’m glad that he wants to get out of the school, to be honest.

Laura: Well, and he’s not exactly had the greatest term.

Andrew: Right.

Laura: He’s been physically abused in his detentions; he’s been removed from the Quidditch team; half the student population thinks he’s insane, so it’s been a rough few months.

Micah: And even Ron doesn’t flat-out tell him at the start that he’s going to be able to go to the Burrow. He thinks… I don’t know, honestly, what he thought. Do you think maybe he would go to Grimmauld Place, or he would go back to the Dursleys’? He didn’t seem like he had much of a place to go.

Andrew: Seems like an important thing to tell Harry as soon as his mother invited Harry to the Burrow.

Abbey: [laughs] It’s such a Ron thing to do, though, to forget to say that.

Andrew: “I forgot. I’m sorry, man. Too busy thinking about girls.”

[Abbey and Micah laugh]

Micah: So they’re headed to the Burrow. Hermione is going to be going skiing. Very Muggle thing to do.

[Abbey and Andrew laugh]

Andrew: “Ooh, I hope I see somebody fall off the cliff; then I can see Thestrals.”

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Wow.

Laura: Andrew, why are you turning Hermione into a psychopath?

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Because nobody realizes she is.

Micah: It’s going to be the next spinoff series. Andrew is going to write it.

Andrew: [laughs] We’re going to get Harry Potter from Hermione’s perspective, and we’re going to see just how serious she was about wanting to kill somebody so she could see Thestrals. I’m sorry I’m bringing this up so much, but I genuinely believe it.

Micah: Pitch it to Netflix.

Andrew: Got it.

Micah: So before they all head home for the holidays, there’s one final meeting of Dumbledore’s Army, and what I liked about this is that it really did contrast the teaching styles of Harry and Hagrid, unfortunately.

[Andrew laughs]

Abbey: It did.

Andrew: Someone’s good at it.

Micah: Yeah, someone is good at what they’re doing; someone is just a little over-eager. And I think Hagrid is a good teacher in his own way, but Harry definitely approaches things right, because you look at the fact that they’re not even jumping to the more advanced spells and things like that until after the holidays. They’re still working on the basics. But a couple things I just wanted to note about the meeting itself: Decorator Dobby.

Andrew: Yeah, that was cute.

Abbey: It’s the best.

Micah: He’s my MVP of the Week. That was such a cool moment. And it must have been for Harry a really just feel-good moment, given everything that’s been going on – despite the fact that he goes and takes them down – to see all those Christmas baubles with his face on it.

Andrew: I wish he kept those up and all the other kids could have seen what Dobby did. [laughs] I mean, the kids would have thought Harry was an egotistical maniac, but it was the elf. It wasn’t him genuinely.

Abbey: “Have a Very Harry Christmas” just got me. They should make those ornaments and sell them at the Wizarding World.

Andrew: They should! Yeah, that’s perfect.

Laura: They really should. [laughs]

Andrew: Or Harry should have asked Dobby to change them all to Dumbledore’s face and just kept “Have a Very Harry Christmas.” I mean, Dumbledore’s Army, so it makes sense to have Dumbledore’s face everywhere. [laughs]

Micah: We also learn that Ginny has replaced Harry on the Quidditch team. The start of her Quidditch career.

Andrew: Yeah, a big deal. And I want to talk more about that, but in a minute, because it relates to the kiss.

Micah: Dumbledore’s Army is getting stronger; that’s evidenced just by the lesson that we see in this chapter, and Harry even talks about doing the Patronus Charm after the holidays, so clearly, things are working well. And then this leads to the moment at the very end, when everybody else has exited the Room of Requirement: Harry and Cho under the mistletoe.

[Andrew sings “Let’s Get it On” by Marvin Gaye]

[Abbey and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Yeah, big moment. I mean, this is Harry’s first kiss. This is a massive deal. And I don’t even think J.K. Rowling notes, like, “It is the first kiss,” but it is, right?

Micah: Yep.

Andrew: And that’s a big moment in a kid’s life. I think most of us remember where we were when we had our first kiss because there’s so much anticipation, and then it happens and you’re like, [slurring speech] “Whoa, that was amazing.” [laughs]

Abbey: Although I feel like first kisses are in general so awkward, and I was really glad that his was written in this way too. I would have been so disappointed if he’d had some perfect romantic moment. It’s so realistic how horrible it was.

Andrew and Laura: Yeah.

Laura: I was cringing rereading this.

Abbey: Same. [laughs]

Laura: I was like, “Oh, this is so bad.” And then later on in the chapter when Hermione is like, “Well, you were nice to her, right?” And Harry, he’s like, “Uhh, I kind of patted her on the back.” So I just imagine Harry standing there stiff, not moving, arms down flat at his sides, and Cho is hanging all over him.

[Abbey and Laura laugh]

Abbey: It is the best… I feel like any time that there’s teenage moments where they really feel like regular kids, I love it so much. And the movie did such a good job of this scene, and also the book. It’s just one of my favorite passages to read.

Micah: It is definitely interesting that it’s almost like a cut scene, and you get the details when Harry is talking with Ron and Hermione as opposed to reading them yourself, right?

Abbey: Yes.

Andrew: Yeah, I thought that was clever.

Micah: And yes, it was done very well in the movie; when Dan Radcliffe walks in, he’s just got that completely befuddled look upon his face and not sure what just happened.

Abbey: And in the book it says he wanted to take the secret with him to the grave, and I thought that was so funny. He didn’t know if he wanted to tell anyone or just keep it alone forever.

Andrew: Yeah. Ron is such a bro when he squeezes it out of Harry.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: I had wrote down he’s every teenager’s best friend’s reaction in this moment.

Andrew: And really remarkable how J.K. Rowling can capture that. [laughs]

Micah: But Hermione does bring it back to reality.

Andrew: In what way?

Abbey: In such a female way.

Andrew: In what way? Being like…?

Micah: Well, she gets more down into the details and really making Harry overly conscious about what just happened, as opposed to just celebrating the moment.

Andrew: Uh-huh, yeah.

Abbey: I think it’s perfect, though, because Ron is just like, “Fist bump! Yeah, a kiss!” And then Hermione is like, “Well, this is what’s going on in her brain, and she’s feeling all these things.” And I just felt like that’s exactly how girls would talk about it when… and I’m generalizing here, but I would with my girlfriends, I would guess. And I just love the contrast between Ron and Hermione.

Andrew: Yeah. We have a clip from when Harry walked in and told Ron and Hermione what happened.

[“I Kissed a Girl” by Katy Perry plays]

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: This is in the movie. [to the tune of the song] “At the end of the army meeting.”

Abbey: [laughs] Oh my God.

Andrew: This whole area of the chapter was interesting because we’re actually seeing future relationships in the middle of these current relationships. So as Harry has his first kiss and Hermione writes a letter to Krum, [laughs] Ginny is taking Harry’s place on the Quidditch team and Hermione says that she has had the misfortune of meeting Ron. It’s like these little hints that these two couples could never be together – somebody replacing Harry on the Quidditch team, and Hermione basically saying that Ron is an awful person and she regrets meeting him…

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Both of these couples will be together in the future.

Micah: Yeah, doesn’t Ron say something, too, about Hermione that alludes to his interest in her as him and Harry are walking up to the dorm?

Laura: Yeah, he’s asking Harry what Hermione sees in Krum, and Harry was like, “Well, he’s older and he’s an international Quidditch star,” and Ron was like, “Well, yeah, but apart from all that.”

[Abbey and Andrew laugh]

Micah: Yeah, those small details.

Andrew: “But I’ve got the Burrow.”

Micah: Back at the Burrow. But also important that Hermione is writing to Krum for future books, because I believe… doesn’t he show up at the Battle of Hogwarts?

Laura: He’s definitely at Bill and Fleur’s wedding in Deathly Hallows.

Micah: And then just one final thing I found funny as Harry is getting ready for bed before he jumps inside of Nagini’s brain: He says that it would be much more beneficial for How Girls’ Brains Work 101 to be taught at Hogwarts as opposed to Divination. I just found that funny.

Andrew: [laughs] Yeah.

Laura: You mean emotional intelligence? Yes. [laughs]

Micah: Exactly. That’s what I meant to say. What did I say?

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Laura: No, I was talking about… I was talking to Harry, not you.

Andrew: Yeah. I mean, we’ve spoken about this from time to time; there should have been therapy at Hogwarts. Where are the guidance counselors, even, at Hogwarts? [laughs]

Micah: I was just going to say, do we think they exist?

Andrew: Not that Harry should go to a guidance counselor and be like, “What is Cho thinking about me?” [laughs] But yeah, they don’t really get any assistance in just living life.

Abbey: Yeah, he had the worst year of his life and then just never talked about it, and now he’s back at school. It’s wild how not in touch with his emotions he is.

Andrew: Yeah, and it is quite an interesting situation because Cho is still crying over Cedric. Harry wants this to be a joyous moment, but he sees that Cho can’t get past Cedric. It’s tough. If I was in Harry’s position, I wouldn’t know what to do. I would definitely need to seek some outside help, and I would want to talk to Ron and Hermione about it more, because this is a very delicate situation. You don’t want to upset Cho more, but you do want to continue flirting with her and potentially getting into a relationship.

Abbey: He also says that he wishes Sirius would have been there to give him advice, and I just think Sirius would not be the person to give best advice on this. Ask Molly Weasley. Ask Hermione.

Laura: I think Sirius’s reaction would have been a lot like Ron’s.

Micah: Ron’s, yeah.

Abbey: Agreed.

Andrew: “Yo, man, gimme five! Nice!” But it also speaks to the close relationship between Harry and Sirius, because I, for one, would not go to a parent after having my first kiss. You just keep that amongst friends, not your elders. But that’s the type of relationship Harry and Sirius have, so good for them, and it just makes Sirius’s death all that much harder at the end of the book. So Harry’s dream!

Micah: So as if enough hasn’t happened in this chapter already, Harry finally is able to go to bed, and he starts having these really weird dreams. Little snippets of different things are happening, and one of them is that Hermione says to Harry that he should give Cho his Firebolt.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: And I was like, “Wait, what?” Given everything that just happened, J.K. Rowling writes this into Harry’s dream? What does that mean? Where are we going, Jo? Getting a little dirty on us?

Andrew: Well, she’s made some adult references before, and this might be another one of those.

[Abbey laughs]

Micah: I think it is.

Andrew: A 7-year-old is going to have to ask J.K. Rowling what that means, like the kid did about the goat.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: Right. So right after this quote about giving Cho his Firebolt, he jumps inside of a snake…

Andrew: Another phallic figure!

[Abbey and Laura laugh]

Laura: How much of this do we think was very subconsciously Freudian for J.K. Rowling as the writer?

Andrew: Well, I guess it does… so if you’re dreaming, things can morph into each other, so I could see a Firebolt morphing into a snake.

Laura: Oh, sure.

Micah: There is some initial hesitation on Nagini’s part, and what’s interesting about it is we can actually hear what she’s thinking, or at least get a sense of the fact that she’s on a mission. And I was wondering, though, given the fact that she’s not planning to attack Arthur initially, do we think that has anything to do with her humanity, just knowing what we do about her now versus what we knew about her when we were reading Order of the Phoenix?

Andrew: That is a really interesting observation. And this is why I love things like the Fantastic Beasts series, because it’s opening this world up and giving us these new perspectives. I think in this case, yes, maybe a little bit. On the other hand, she did know that she was after the prophecy, so I think that was the main hesitation. Because I think J.K. Rowling writes that Nagini knew she had other business to attend to. But still, yeah, I think you have to read scenes like this differently now that we know more about Nagini, thanks to Fantastic Beasts.

Micah: Yeah, definitely read between the lines a little bit.

Andrew: Of course, there was this line in the scene where Nagini says she’s still thinking about Credence, and now we know who the hell that is too.

[Abbey and Laura laugh]

Andrew: So it really opens it up.

Micah: I must have missed that. That was in there?

Andrew: Yeah, it’s there.

Laura: Yeah, remember, we had a whole episode being like, “Who the hell is Credence?”

Andrew: Yeah, back in, like, 2005. We’re still wondering.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: And is this the first time, though, that we’ve seen these Horcruxes connect with each other? Because it seems like Harry is able to get into the mind of Nagini, and I’m wondering, if that’s the case, would he have been able to control the outcome? Or is it more just like you’re watching television through Nagini’s eyes? You can see what’s happening, but you can’t do anything about it.

Andrew: I am of the impression that he has no control over Nagini; he’s just got a little view.

Micah: We obviously know what happens next. Arthur, clearly doing a great job on guard duty, is asleep.

[Abbey and Andrew laugh]

Micah: The guy probably worked a full shift at the Ministry earlier in the day, and we know the Order is stretched. But he’s standing guard and wakes up…

Andrew: Sleeping guard.

Micah: … and Nagini has no choice but to attack. And what I found so really disgusting about the description is just Harry can actually feel what is happening.

Abbey and Andrew: Yeah.

Micah: There’s such a strong connection between these Horcruxes that he literally can feel the bones crushing underneath and the blood and all that stuff. It’s pretty nasty.

Laura: Yeah, and we’ll see in the next chapter how conflicted this makes Harry feel, because he kind of feels like, “I understood Nagini’s feelings at that point, so I understood what it felt like to want to hurt Arthur.”

Micah: Yeah, that’s why I was wondering, could he have done anything about it? Because he’s able to feel all of this… it’s just a very odd connection.

Abbey: I feel like he hasn’t done his due diligence in learning…

Andrew: Exactly.

Abbey: Or is this before his lessons with Snape start?

Andrew: Before.

Laura: This is before.

Abbey: Okay, so I was going to say maybe afterwards, or he’d be able to at least leave the scene. But I feel like it’s only Voldemort that is able to get in Harry’s mind and control things.

Andrew: I agree with that. If it’s possible, Harry does not know how to do it yet, because this is so new to him. And of course, he’s living this incredibly terrifying experience. How would you know how to take control of the situation? He didn’t know this was coming; he was just in bed trying to get some rest after his first kiss. Poor guy. What a day.

Micah: Yeah, what a what a day.

Andrew: Big highs, big lows.

Micah: But luckily, Neville does the right thing and goes and gets McGonagall, who happens to be a member of the Order; she probably knows that Arthur is on guard duty. And they make the decision that it’s time, finally, for Harry to come face to face with Dumbledore.

Andrew: And another key moment here is McGonagall saying, “I believe you,” because Harry has not been believed by so many people. He’s had to put up these fights trying to prove himself, and for him to have this terrifying experience, and then he doesn’t have to plead with McGonagall; she just says, “I believe you. Let’s go.”

Abbey: I don’t know if you guys felt this, but even as a reader you feel relief that it’s McGonagall that comes in, and not any other teacher.

Andrew: Yes.

Abbey: And so I love how you feel that, and I’m sure he felt the same way.

Andrew: Yeah. And you know how certain feelings stick with you reading this book for the first time? That was one of them for me, just knowing that McGonagall believed him.

Abbey: Same.

Andrew: And that he was finally going to see Dumbledore again. On a reread, you kind of forget because you know that Dumbledore and Harry end up working together again in later books; you forget just how terrible this was reading this book for the first time because you’re so used to Dumbledore being more present, and then Harry losing that connection, it’s heart-wrenching.

Abbey: It’s also heart… well, I didn’t remember, too, until I reread that the pain in his scar was so bad it says that he vomited? That is a lot more extreme than I remember as well, and obviously more extreme than the movies show.

Micah: Yeah, and it is one of those… it’s really the first time, right? That we see this connection being made between Horcruxes, at least to this extent. I don’t think we’ve ever seen this with what happened in Chamber of Secrets, right? I don’t know if there’s any comparison here, but just the fact that Harry is able to get inside of the mind of Nagini and feel what it’s like to attack Arthur. And unfortunately, this is a major tipoff for Voldemort, and he’s able to manipulate Harry moving forward.

Andrew and Laura: Yeah.

Abbey: I also just wanted to point out that it’s so sad to me how one second, Harry is a regular teenager who has his first kiss, and you have this moment of, “Oh, he’s going to be good, and he’s just a regular kid,” and then truly the next hour happens, and he’s Harry, and he has these huge problems.

Andrew: Yeah, it sucks. He’s been through a lot.

Laura: He’s just like, “Damn it, world.”

Andrew: “Give me one night. One night off.”

[Abbey and Laura laugh]

Andrew: “Especially after my first kiss.” Yeah, after my first kiss, nothing like this happened.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: It was in a Maryland parking garage, so definitely not the best location.

[Abbey laughs]

Micah: But you did throw up, right?

Andrew: I did throw up, yeah.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: It was a gross parking garage. [laughs]

Laura: What is it about a parking garage that brought the moment on, Andrew? [laughs]

Andrew: Well, there was some mistletoe in there.

Micah: We can’t judge.

Andrew: Yeah, don’t judge me! I’ll kiss where I want!

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: So we’re about to update our Umbridge Suck count, but first, our second sponsor today is OpenFit.

[Ad break]

Andrew: Okay, time for the Umbridge Suck count to be updated. First of all, making fun of a half-giant. Should she get only one point for that, or should we give her more?

Laura: I think she deserves two points for that.

[Andrew gasps]

Micah: Yeah.

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays twice]

Andrew: She also incorrectly identified Neville’s feelings about Thestrals, which I thought was presumptuous and inappropriate, so there’s one more.

Laura: Yep.

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Laura: I also thought that she’s just continuing to do her classroom inspections wrong. I have a background in education, and the number one rule of classroom inspections is you’re not supposed to “be there.”

Andrew: Ahh.

Laura: You’re supposed to sort of be invisible in the background; you’re not supposed to distract the students. You’re supposed to let the class play out as normal. She’s messing this up.

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Andrew: Great point. That is a great point. And over on Patreon this week, we are going to have a bonus MuggleCast, by the way, about Arthur Weasley. Y’all might remember that J.K. Rowling actually planned to kill Arthur in this scene, and then she changed her mind, so we will talk about her comments on that.


Connecting the Threads


Andrew: It’s time now for connecting the threads.

Laura: Yeah, so there are a lot of great throwbacks to Prisoner of Azkaban, as Micah talked about earlier on in this discussion. So one of the first things that we can look at is the presence of Thestrals, and actually in Prisoner of Azkaban Chapter 5, Harry calls this pretty well. He notices the horseless coaches, and Harry says each stagecoach was “pulled, Harry could only assume, by an invisible horse.” How right he was.

Andrew: Dang.

Laura: Then also, we see a lot of similarities in terms of Hagrid being discriminated against because of being a half-giant. This is very well-illustrated by Malfoy during their first Care of Magical Creatures class in Prisoner of Azkaban, saying, “God, this place is going to the dogs… That oaf teaching classes, my father’ll have a fit when I tell him.” And this is just a trend that follows Hagrid throughout the entire series, unfortunately. However, this is a really interesting thread between Prisoner of Azkaban and Order of the Phoenix because we see Hagrid receiving discrimination from the Board of Governors as well as from students, and in Order of the Phoenix, it has turned into full-on employer-based discrimination, with Umbridge being the Hogwarts High Inquisitor and making these decisions. And then another really cool thing is that around this point in Prisoner of Azkaban, prior to the holidays, Lupin offers to give Harry private lessons to learn how to create his Patronus, and reading over the tone of those lessons, I think Harry took a lot of pointers on teaching from Lupin.

Andrew and Micah: Yeah.

Andrew: Think you’re right.

Laura: Lupin is very nuanced. There’s even a point where they’re talking about Sirius Black, and Lupin is explaining what the Dementor’s Kiss is and that it is the fate that awaits Sirius, and Harry just blurts out, “Well, he deserves it.” And Lupin has this great teaching moment with Harry where he’s like, “Really? Does anybody deserve that?” And I think that this really helps Harry be a much more level-headed, nuanced teacher in Order of the Phoenix.


MVP of the Week


Andrew: All right, it’s time for MVP of the Week.

[MVP of the Week music plays]

Andrew: I’m going to give mine to Cho for being gutsier than Harry. That was her who initiated the kiss, right?

Abbey and Laura: Yes.

Abbey: For sure.

Andrew: Good on you, Cho.

Micah: Oh, yeah.

Andrew: That takes something that many people don’t have.

Micah: She wanted that Firebolt.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: I alluded to this earlier, but I gave my MVP of the Week to Dobby for just lightening the mood a bit. The fact that Harry was able to come into the Room of Requirement and see those holiday baubles with his face on it, I just thought, probably made him feel pretty good.

Laura: I gave mine to McGonagall for believing Harry.

Abbey: That’s a good one.

[Andrew laughs]

Abbey: I gave mine to Hermione for helping Hagrid and trying to teach the men about women’s brains.

Andrew: Okay. [laughs]


Rename the Chapter


Andrew: And now let’s rename the chapter. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 21, “The Lips of the Girl.” The Eye of the Snake, the Lips of the Girl.

Micah: All right, I’ll let that one go.

[Andrew and Laura laughs]

Micah: I went with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 21, “Hagrid’s Magical Creatures Motor…” Oh, sorry. “Hagrid’s Magical Creatures Thestral Bomb of a Lesson.”

Andrew: Ohhh!

Laura: [laughs] Feel very strongly about that lesson. I went with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 21, “Kiss the Girl.”

Andrew: Love it.

Andrew: Like Little Mermaid?

Laura: Yeah, like, [singing] “Sha-la-la-la-la-la, don’t be scared.”

Abbey: I went… I have two, but I’m going to go with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 21, “Wet Kisses and Bad Dreams.”

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: “How was the kiss?” “Wet.”

Laura: Oh, I love this.

Andrew: “You’re that bad of a kisser, huh?” That was a great line from Ron.

Abbey: And then he’s like, “I don’t know, am I?” He’d never thought about that.

Andrew: Yeah, that’s something you think about.

Abbey: Right.

Andrew: That’s what I was thinking about in that Maryland parking garage.

Micah: After you vomited, right?

Andrew: After I vomited, yeah.

[Abbey laughs]

Andrew: If you have any feedback about today’s discussion, send it on in; MuggleCast@gmail.com, or use the contact form on MuggleCast.com. We also love hearing your voices, so record a voice memo using the app already installed on your phone and send that to MuggleCast@gmail.com. We’d love feedback about this discussion, or if you have any questions or comments about Chapter 22.


Quizzitch


Andrew: It’s time for Quizzitch. What was last week’s question, Micah?

[Quizzitch music plays]

Micah: Last week’s question was: Whose death allows Neville to see Thestrals? And the answer is his granddad. Winners included Ann, Andrea, Kate, Meg, Tara, CountRavioli, Stacey, and Caleb.

Laura: So glad to see CountRavioli.

Micah: CountRavioli is back.

Andrew: Stay safe, CountRavioli.

Micah: This week’s question… glad I have three to choose from. I’m going to go with the first one. What is the name on the department store front which hides St. Mungo’s to Muggles? It’s a good question. I like that.

Andrew: I didn’t realize Eric put these in. I thought it was you. [laughs]

Micah: No, it wasn’t me. So if you want to participate, head on over to Twitter; reply at @MuggleCast with hashtag “Quizzitch.”

Andrew: We would love if you also joined our community at Patreon.com/MuggleCast. By doing so, you are supporting this podcast; we are only weekly right now because of you. And if you pledge at the $5 level or higher, you will be eligible for our physical gift coming in just a few months. Our oldest patrons will be receiving the gift first; we’re going to do an early wave for those who have been with us since the beginning, and then they will be going out to everybody. Everybody’s going to be getting it by the summer at the latest, I think, so we’re really excited to roll that out. And you will also be eligible for other excellent benefits, like bonus MuggleCast, and like I said earlier, we will be talking more about J.K. Rowling deciding to not kill Arthur Weasley. We have this interview with J.K. Rowling from 2007 in which she discussed this. The headline from Today.com, back in 2007: “Rowling: I wanted to kill parents.” [laughs]

Laura: Oh my God, maybe this is where Hermione gets it from.

Andrew: Oh! Yeah, see? You thought I was crazy.

[Laura laughs]

Andrew: So that’ll be on our Patreon this week, Patreon.com/MuggleCast. Become a member today. Thank you. And thank you, Abbey, for being a patron. It was great having you on today.

Abbey: I loved it. And I know I said this before we started recording, but I’m just really thankful for MuggleCast because I’ve been listening since I was… I don’t know, it was QuickTime files, I feel like.

[Andrew laughs]

Abbey: And I’m just… it really inspired me to start a podcast with my best friend, and inspired us to do a Patreon, and it’s just been a really fun journey. So you guys have always set the standard really high. And I didn’t say it before, but you can listen to “The On-Call Room” on iTunes and Spotify. I realized… I texted my friend; I was like, “I forgot everything I was going to say!”

[Andrew laughs]

Abbey: But I’m just really thankful for you guys, so thanks for having me.

Andrew: Yeah, no, you were excellent, as I knew you would be.

Laura: Yeah, you’re great.

Andrew: Yeah, because you’ve got this podcast of your own, and we’ll put a link to the show in the show notes.

Abbey: That’d be great.

Andrew: I’m sure we have people out there who watch Grey’s Anatomy, and I’m really happy for you that you’ve launched a podcast and have done so well with that. It’s so great.

Abbey: Thank you so much!

Andrew: Yeah, thank you again. That’s “The On-Call Room,” available wherever podcasts are available. All right, thank you, everybody, for listening. I’m Andrew.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: I’m Laura.

Abbey: And I’m Abbey.

Andrew: Bye, everybody.

Laura: See ya.

Micah: Bye. Wash your hands.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Wash your damn hands.

Andrew: I’m washing my hands, I’m not touching my face, and I am staying self-quarantined. Goodbye.

Transcript #456

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #456, A Giant Waste Of Time (OOTP 20, Hagrid’s Tale)


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into the wizarding world. I’m Andrew.

Eric Scull: I’m Eric.

Micah Tannenbaum: I’m Micah.

Laura Tee: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: On today’s episode, we are discussing Chapter 20 of Order of the Phoenix, “Hagrid’s Tale,” but first, we have a couple pieces of Muggle Mail to address. First of all, Eric, you upset some people last week with your librarian comments.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Always making trouble; last week was no different. Letizia wrote in,

“Librarians most definitely should have a seat at the professors’ table. I’ve listened to your podcast for many years. I feel compelled to write now to set the record straight about secondary school faculty. Librarians are teachers. Yes, they manage a room full of books, but they also collaborate with classroom teachers, ensuring students have the right sources – print and electronic – for students to complete assignments. Librarians teach students how to do proper research; not everything is Google-able, and librarians guide and advise students on reading selections, how to cite sources, and assist with technology. Librarians have been portrayed rather poorly in the scant amounts of movies and books. Please don’t put Madam Pince in the same category as Filch. Librarians in public schools have master’s degrees; librarians at the college level often have two master’s and, in many cases, a PhD. Proud Ravenclaw.”

Andrew: So you were joking, right? [laughs]

Eric: I was absolutely joking. I was talking about the actress and not recognize her at first, always assuming she was Sinistra. I have the utmost respect for librarians; it’s really true. I have some close friends that are librarians. But I just think it’s wildly inconsistent who gets to be at the Hogwarts high table, and you see Hagrid up there before he’s even a teacher, so there’s a little bit of weird leeway there as far as who gets to be at the high table, which may have led to my confusion, but I just want to flat out apologize if anyone was offended by my comments.

Andrew: This is just a lighthearted email. We don’t have to take it too seriously.

Eric: Oh, okay. Phew.

Laura: I do think there’s some weird favoritism that happens at Hogwarts, and it’s a lot to get into, but it could be a really good bonus MuggleCast, so something for us to keep in mind.

Micah: Totally agree with everything that’s been said in this email. However, downplaying Argus Filch and his role, now are we going to get a bunch of emails from those who are responsible for the upkeep of schools and institutions?

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Yeah, because custodians are people too.

Micah: Yeah, exactly. They work extremely hard.

Eric: And they’re not in their job because they couldn’t… yeah, I mean, they were the hardest-working people in my high school, guaranteed.

Andrew: Yeah, and they work long hours at night, all alone in the dark. It’s kind of sad.

Micah: You wouldn’t probably even want to touch some of the things that they find in the stairwells.

Eric: Oh, God.

Andrew: But Filch is kind of a bad person, so I don’t think we should really defend him, either.

Micah: But do we know Madam Pince, really?

Andrew: Well, she’s a librarian. All librarians are wonderful people.

Eric: With two master’s degrees. Let’s move on. [laughs]

Andrew: We also have this voice memo from Robert about Harry and Draco:

[Voicemail plays]

“Hi, MuggleCasters. I’m calling about Episode 455, and particularly when Eric suggested that the bullying by Draco of Harry would invalidate any possible slash fiction about a relationship between them. Actually, this is one of the oldest tropes in romcoms, and shows up very frequently where two characters who can’t stand each other wind up falling in love, most famously in a movie called The Shop Around the Corner, remade as You’ve Got Mail, and also the musical She Loves Me. And it just happens that there is a currently a movie streaming on Hulu called The Thing About Harry, which is exactly this setup where two guys who were in middle school together, one bullying the other, wind up in a relationship.”

[Voicemail ends]

Andrew: Yeah, I went on a date with one of the costars of that movie, and it still hurts that he became a major star in Grey’s Anatomy. But anyway.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: This is actually what happened to Laura and I once. In the early days we hated each other, and then we fell in love.

Laura: Yep.

Andrew: So it happens in the real world, too.

Laura: And then there were certain other discoveries made that interrupted that love.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: See 30 seconds ago, when Andrew’s talking about the guy from this movie.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Also, Eric, I didn’t realize you had such a rough week last week. I thought it was a great episode.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Oh, I’m glad people are listening. That’s all I hope for ever.

Andrew: Micah is calling it a great episode because Eric is getting attacked.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: He loves when Eric gets attacked.

Eric: Genuinely, I love the feedback because it allows me to grow.

Andrew: Yeah, of course.

Eric: And yeah, I think Draco was just especially bad last week. That’s all.

Andrew: I didn’t really… we didn’t talk about this more in the Chapter by Chapter discussion, but they do get along in Cursed Child and they work together to find their sons, and I think it signals that they were able to find some peace with each other. Were they best friends suddenly? No, but there was some resolution there.

Eric: Yeah, and definitely Draco’s arc in Half-Blood Prince really helps him to turn the corner into being a more reasonable human being.

Micah: I think also the fact that Narcissa saves Harry’s life probably has something to do with it as well.

Andrew: Yeah, yeah, for sure. All right, so before we get into Chapter by Chapter, just want to mention that we are now halfway through the book. Eric noticed this. I can’t believe we’re halfway through already, actually.

Eric: Yeah!

Andrew: This time is flying. Reading this again, has this changed how we feel about the book? At least for me, it’s been a while since I read Order of the Phoenix.

Eric: Same. For me, the things that stick out most are just how many opportunities Dumbledore would have had to be prominent, and he’s not taking them. You know Dumbledore is avoiding Harry as a general over-stroke of the book, but it seems like every chapter we’re asking the question, “Where’s Dumbledore?” So that definitely is sticking out a lot more. And then Harry’s bad temper is actually about exactly where I remember it being too. It’s not great.

Andrew: I was actually going to say I remember him being a lot angrier than he is, maybe because there’s still a lot more to come.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: But I don’t know; I just remember… the running joke with this book has always been, “Oh my God, he’s so angry, he’s so angry. All caps Harry, hahaha.” But he’s been able to keep it together for the most part.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Laura: Yeah, and especially at this point in the book, angry is not how I would describe him, but he gets there. We all know what happens at the end.

Andrew and Micah: Yeah.

Micah: For sure. I would say it’s different reading it for the story, which obviously you do the first time that you read it, versus reading it for analysis, because there’s a lot of things that we’ve talked about over the course of the first half of this book that wouldn’t have even dawned on me, probably, the first time that I was sitting down and reading Order of the Phoenix.

Eric: Yeah, for sure.


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Andrew: Okay, well, onward. Let’s go to Chapter 20, “Hagrid’s Tale,” and we’ll start with our seven-word summary. Hagrid…

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

Laura: … returns…

Eric: … and…

Micah: … fails…

Andrew: Fails or bails?

Micah: Fails, with an F.

Andrew: … to…

Laura: Lord.

Andrew: What?

Laura: I’m trying to think of what to do. [laughs]

Andrew: Oh, all I heard was “word.”

Laura: … reveal…

Eric: … lies.

Andrew: Fails to reveal lies.

Laura: There we go.

Andrew: I would have said “everything.”

Eric: The linchpin is “fails.” I don’t know what he fails to do in this chapter.

Micah: Keep quiet.

Eric: The funny thing is every week, there’s somebody in our MuggleCast patrons Facebook group who asks the fellow patrons to OWL rate – the OWL grades – our seven-word summary.

Laura: Oh no.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: What did it receive?

Eric: Not yet; it just happened.

Micah: Oh.

Eric: But yeah, previous ones have gotten Acceptable. I think there may have been an Exceeds, but yeah, not sure.

Andrew: I say Troll across the board.

[Everyone laughs]


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Micah: Well, Hagrid is back. Everybody get excited.

Eric: Woohoo!

Micah: It was the only good thing that happened, really, at the end of the last chapter. But I think this is a little bit questionable on the part of the trio, given everything that has just happened in the prior chapter, to throw on the Invisibility Cloak and run down to Hagrid’s Hut. Did they not learn anything given the punishment that Umbridge had just handed down?

Eric: Oh, yeah.

Andrew: It is surprising, but they see Hagrid as one of their best friends at Hogwarts, and given how long he’s been away, I think they have reason to… I think it makes sense that they wouldn’t even be thinking about their recent punishment; they just want to go down there and see where the hell he’s been.

Eric: It is a bit reckless; they’re not really taking the precautions they should be to go and do this. It’s like him being back is such a desperate… they so desperately need to see him, and see a friend and have a friend and have their friend back, that they aren’t smart about it.

Micah: And I do blame Dumbledore to some extent, because I feel as if – to the point about having a friend – if he was there for them to listen, especially given everything that’s just gone on, then they wouldn’t feel the need immediately to jump. Although maybe they would, because there is an excitement about the fact that Hagrid hasn’t been seen in a long time.

Andrew: Also, there is no way the trio can still fit together under the Invisibility Cloak.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: I know J.K. Rowling notes that Ron has to crouch because he’s getting tall, but still, three people under one blanket?

Laura: I always got the impression that the cloak was larger than an average personal cloak would be, just because of them constantly being able to use this even at age 15.

Andrew: But then if it’s so large, when it’s just one person it would be so baggy and be flowing on the floor behind you like a bride’s dress, and you could be tripping over it.

Eric: What’s the word for the blankets you wear with the sleeves?

Laura: Snuggie.

Eric: Snuggie, thank you.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: I wanted to say ShamWow; that was something else entirely. Yeah, Snuggie. I always pictured it kind of like a Invisibility Snuggie. [laughs]

Micah: So Hagrid can’t tell the trio what he’s been up to despite their pleas, although it doesn’t take a whole lot of convincing on the part of Harry to make him spill the beans. But I think that begs the question, why wouldn’t Hagrid share where he’s been, what he’s been up to? Does he not trust, especially, this group of people?

Eric: I think we’ve seen this before, and it has to do with how seriously Hagrid takes all these missions from Dumbledore. He just seems to be… he is told to keep it to himself, because let’s face it, Hagrid is a bit of a blabbermouth, right? Give him a few drinks; you take him to a pub, and he’ll tell you how to get past Fluffy. I think that Hagrid, on his own road to self-betterment, is just really trying to be a little bit more tight-lipped, probably because Dumbledore has asked him to be.

Andrew: Right, exactly. But he flips when he hears that Harry has had some interesting stories that he could share as well. I just love that Hagrid can’t keep up his guard; we see this numerous times throughout the Harry Potter books. Because Dumbledore asked, it’s good that he tried, but he just can’t resist because he wants to know what the kids are up to. An eye for an eye.

Eric: [laughs] Yeah. And they don’t lead with “We are in the Order now,” or… they could probably… I guess I can see them trying to persuade Hagrid by saying, “We stayed at the headquarters all summer. We’re one of you; you can tell us.”

Micah: And in all fairness, Harry doesn’t really get a chance to share much of his story outside of telling him that he was expelled. Because I think Hagrid’d have a much different reaction to Umbridge showing up had he known everything that she’d done to Harry over the course of these last couple of months.

Eric: Definitely.

Andrew: Oh yeah, for sure. He would have killed her.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: Fang could have just licked her face until she…

Laura: Yep.

Andrew: I do wonder if Hagrid doesn’t trust the kids, though. He really should at this point. They’ve been through a lot; they’ve been able to keep secrets that Dumbledore asks them to keep. It’s not like they leak stuff, so why not talk to the kids about it? This isn’t a particularly touchy subject, either, is it? “I went to the giants to see if they could be on our side during this upcoming fight.”

Laura: Well, I think that Hagrid has always placed a great deal of stock in Dumbledore’s opinion and Dumbledore’s trust in him; that’s really valuable to him. And I think also, we’ve seen a few examples throughout the series of Hagrid trying not to tell the kids too much because they’re kids. So he knows that he shouldn’t, but then he just gets carried away and ends up telling them way more than he should.

Eric: There’s also a history of them misusing the information he gives them, or he knows that they – he even says it in this chapter – that they’re up to… they concern themselves with this stuff that they ought not to meddle in far too often. And so if he tells them this, even though it’s seemingly innocent information, they’re going to… they could mount a quest now to go visit the giants if it was something that the plot of the book wanted them to do. They’re exactly the kind of kids who would go and do that and say, “Well, Hagrid failed at this, but we can do better,” so maybe that’s some of the hesitation.

Micah: And as he’s recounting his tale, at least the first part of it, we get a sense of where he’s been, and it seems like actually a pretty interesting trip to start. He’s evading Ministry officials. He’s watching out for Death Eaters. But he, of course, does find himself – as only Hagrid would – in a pub at some point during this trip, and to answer last week’s Quizzitch question, Hagrid had a slight disagreement with a vampire in a pub in Minsk. And the giants that they come across are in Russia? Is that true?

Eric: You’d have to do a map; all those countries are real close together in the mountains. I think several countries share a mountain range. They cross Poland. They go through Belarus. It makes sense it’s in that… it’s definitely in the Eastern European area.

Micah: All right, but this brought up the question, what do we know about vampires in the Harry Potter series? There is that occasional reference, but we don’t get a whole lot.

Andrew: So Harry meets Sanguini in Half-Blood Prince at Slughorn’s party, but yeah, we don’t get a lot. And I forgot that J.K. Rowling actually wrote a little bit on vampires for Potter-No-More; this was back in August 2015. This lives on on WizardingWorld.com. She said, “The vampire myth is so rich, and has been exploited so many times in literature and on film, that I felt there was little I could add to the tradition. In any case, vampires are a tradition of Eastern Europe, and in general I tried to draw from British mythology and folklore when creating adversaries for Harry.” So that’s why she does name check them a few times throughout the series. But I did find that interesting that she was like, “You know what? Everybody’s done a good enough job with vampires. I don’t need to add anything here.”

Eric: Right. It’s kind of nice of her to just acknowledge they exist and to place them generally where we would expect them to be placed, and then move on. But that Sanguini… we mentioned this on our recent chapter reread of that Slug Club chapter, but Sanguini seemed to be eyeing some of the female students quite hungrily, as I recall, and that’s a little… that makes me nervous.

Micah: Hungry for what?

Andrew: Mmm, their blood.

Eric: For blood.

Andrew: And it’s kind of funny that J.K. Rowling wrote that, “You know, vampire stuff, it’s been done a lot.” Meanwhile, Twilight comes up in popularity a couple of years later, just blows people out of the water; not necessarily because they’re… well, I guess the vampire angle was very important, but it was the romance that really made that.

Eric: That was the immediate successor to Harry Potter, wasn’t it?

Andrew: Yeah, it was.

Eric: Yeah. That’s so funny.

Andrew: Did any of you buy into the “Snape is a vampire” theory, by the way?

Laura: No.

Andrew: I didn’t either.

Eric: I kind of did. I definitely wanted to see it happen, but not for the least that in the last book, he leaves a bat-shaped… doesn’t he turn into a bat and escape?

Andrew: Well, he does fly away.

Eric: Oh, okay. Yeah.

Andrew: Or at least in the movie he does.

Micah: Yeah, there wasn’t a whole lot to that theory outside of his appearance, from what I remember.

Andrew: No.

Micah: Unless there were clear-cut examples where he wouldn’t go out in the daytime. I know that people would say, “Oh, his classroom…”

Andrew: Well, he did suck Harry’s blood in Book 3.

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Eric: I think Sirius calls him an overgrown bat at one point. She definitely fanned the flame, I would say. This was something that Rowling took and had a little bit of fun with, as is her prerogative.

Andrew: Yeah, Rowling says sometimes he’s “described as looking like a large bat in his long black cloak, he never actually turns into a bat, we meet him outside the castle by daylight, and no corpses with puncture marks in the necks ever turn up at Hogwarts.”

Micah: He’s also very pale, though, isn’t he? He has a very pale complexion, too.

Andrew: Yeah, that too, for sure. And that hook nose and the long hair. He looks like a vampire for sure.

Laura: You know what, though? I have a pale complexion.

Micah: So what are you telling us?

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: I’m just saying, draw your own conclusions.

Andrew: And you do stay up late into the night.

Laura: I do, yeah. Did you see my tweet at 3:00 in the morning? Is that what you’re referring to? [laughs]

Andrew: No, no, I just know that you do. Now I have to look for this tweet. Oh, yeah, there’s Laura getting political in the middle of the night again.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: It would be fun to know what the disagreement was about. I mean, let’s imagine this scene, right? You have Hagrid, who’s a half-giant, and a vampire conversing in a pub. They’re probably a little bit tipsy. Maybe they add some firewhisky, and who knows what they’re arguing about?

Eric: Yeah. I agree, this is something that is destined to be drawn up, or I don’t know, explained in fanfiction, just because the mental image is funny. It’s just very humorous, seeing this half-giant and this, I imagine, sort of a diminutive vampire keeping to himself, and they manage to have a disagreement with.

Micah: Yep, absolutely. So I also think it’s important to mention that Hagrid is traveling with Madame Maxime, so I wonder if she’s in the bar there, too, just kind of sitting in the corner, shaking her head at Hagrid.

Andrew: “There he goes again, fighting with the other types.”

[Eric laughs]

Micah: Well, we eventually get to the part of the story about the giants and their interactions with them, and we learn that the giants live in seclusion, and Hagrid says that it’s really our fault. It was the wizards who forced them to go and make them live a good long way from us, and they had no choice but to stick together for their own protection. So this is a bit sad, this group that’s been forced to live on their own in seclusion following this wizarding war, and it seems like this probably has a bit to do with the Ministry.

Laura: Oh, definitely.

Andrew: Yeah, because they forced them out of town during the first wizarding war, and the giants… I mean, the giants were on Voldemort’s side, so they kind of deserved it.

Eric: I think, too, it’s predominantly because of the Statute of Secrecy, right? You need to control these Muggles from seeing… you’ve got to prevent them from seeing the giants. And Hagrid even says there used to be tribes of giants all over the world, but now it’s not that way, and I think it’s largely due to the wizards’ decision to prevent Muggles from being aware of their existence.

Micah: Yeah, and I wonder, are they on Voldemort’s side in the first war because of what he promises them? Or are they just basically coerced into supporting him?

Laura: I think they’re… both of those things could probably be true. And I think also, when you have any kind of population that is underrepresented and treated poorly, they’ll tend to respond to whoever wants to give them something good, right? So with the giants, they’re looking at the wizards, and they’re like, “We don’t have any dog in this fight, because y’all have treated us like crap the entire time.”

Andrew: Right.

Laura: But then maybe Voldemort comes up and starts giving them really lavish gifts, or maybe he starts making promises to them and really taking advantage of their place in this society to make them feel like they might get something special out of the arrangement, which they clearly don’t. [laughs]

Andrew: Right, something special. Yeah. Well, maybe Voldemort promised he’s going to clear their student loan debt, and they just fell in love with that idea.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Laura: That’s how it happens.

Micah: Clear their student loan debt through attacks on Ministry speculation?

Andrew: Maybe.

Laura: Sure.

Andrew: That was a joke, of course, because there’s no tuition at Hogwarts and presumably other wizarding schools.

Eric: Oh!

Andrew: Remember J.K. Rowling said that once?

Laura: Yep, and then everybody was like, “How is this sustained?”

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Talking crazy.

Eric: The normal way, though, right? Through taxes. [laughs]

Andrew: We need to ask her if there’s taxes in the wizarding world.

Micah: That’s a legitimate question, though.

Andrew: She’ll probably be like, “No.” [laughs]

Eric: Well, it’s post-scarcity, because magic helps you duplicate pretty much everything.

Andrew: Yeah, just make money. Is there a spell to make money? No, probably not. Otherwise, the Weasleys wouldn’t be poor, aww.

Laura: Right.

Micah: But could a giant go to Hogwarts?

Andrew: Probably not.

Laura: No.

Andrew: Security nightmare and all that.

Micah: Dumbledore would totally let a giant go.

Eric: Dumbledore’s relationship with the giants is a very interesting one. Dumbledore is a guy who knows a lot about a lot of stuff, but it is under his orders that both Olympe Maxime and Hagrid go and are told exactly what to do, even though… it’s confirmed in Goblet of Fire, right, that Maxime has giant blood? Does she say it’s a direct parent or a more distant thing, do you remember?

Laura: Well, I think Hagrid asks which of her parents it was, and she gets very offended.

Eric: Oh, that’s right.

Laura: Yeah, and it’s pretty telling.

Eric: But regardless, it’s this outsider in Dumbledore who helps them know what to do when they get to the giants. And I assume it helps that they look bigger than most regular people, that the giants are like, “Oh, something’s going on here; you’re not just wizards.” I think it makes sense to have envoys who are blood-related, just to ease the tension a little bit.

Andrew and Micah: Yeah.

Micah: I think so. And we can talk a little bit more about that, but just going back to the point of communities being forced to live in seclusion…

Andrew: It just made me think about the Native American populations here in Northern America. We, in a lot of ways, have forced them out, and it’s really sad. And now there’s still battles today over building pipelines, for example, through Native American lands, or building a wall down along the Mexican border and tearing up ancient burial sites.

Eric: That was horrible.

Andrew: It’s still happening today.

Laura: And I think that comparison can be applied more broadly to indigenous populations around the world, because this kind of thing happens to indigenous groups everywhere, even down to… Hagrid talks about how there used to be all of these tribes and there used to be so many of them, but they’ve been forced into seclusion and it has ultimately resulted in their death, and indigenous populations all over the world are dying out because of this very thing, because of governments forcing them to live in these… at least here in the States, it’s reservations, right? And you look at them at one point having so much land and such vast populations, but when you force people into a corner, that’s not a sustainable way of life.

Micah: It also is why they are so hesitant to receive outsiders, and we see that when Hagrid and Madame Maxime show up, the approach to them is that they need to wait a certain period of time before even going down and presenting them with these gifts that they’ve brought. And when they do so, they’re carrying it above their head. It’s almost a negotiation tactic that you would see with law enforcement, right? When you approach a scene that’s highly… there’s a lot of tension, right? A lot of times… at least on television. I’m not saying this happens in real life.

Andrew: [laughs] Detective Micah has some stories.

Micah: No, no, but as you approach the scene, right, usually what do cops always do? They show their weapon, or they put down their weapon as a sign of wanting to really engage with whomever they’re trying to talk down.

Andrew and Eric: Yeah.

Andrew: They don’t want to make it violent.

Micah: Yeah, and that’s kind of what’s going on here.

Andrew: Right, and with holding the gift up, they’re like, “Focus on the gift! Not that half-giants are holding it, not that everyday wizards are holding it. Just focus on the gift.”

Eric: Well, and that these giants are, what, 25 feet tall? They could probably kill Hagrid and Maxime with a flick of their… if they’re not careful, a simple kick or punch or a simple blow from one of these giants, who might not even be thinking about it to kill them, could injure them very severely.

Micah: One of the questions that I thought about, reading this chapter, was what’s the value of aligning with the giants? If they’re a depleted population that seemingly want to be left alone, why even waste the time in approaching them?

Andrew: Well, two things: If Dumbledore doesn’t get them then the other side will, and he probably knows that Voldemort is pursuing them, so it’s better that they’re on the good side. And two, I mean, just from a physical standpoint, they are giant and can kick some serious ass, so they are good to have on your side.

Eric: Yeah, I definitely think it is the part of “The other side is doing it, so we have to,” because the Death Eaters, if left alone, could really have… I don’t know, really swayed them. And we do see, I think, some giants in the end getting to Hogwarts. But the other thing that I think, as far as what was gained: Hagrid seems to really be content with just that some of the giants know Dumbledore’s name and know that Dumbledore was an alternative, knowing that there is an alternative out there, no matter how distant. And by the time anybody gets to Hogwarts, Dumbledore has died – by the time any of the giants get there – so I don’t really know what the point is, but maybe it was just that they know there’s an alternative to the Death Eater side of doing things, and because ultimately the Death Eater is siding with the Gurg, who is now murdering a lot of his own people.

Laura: Do we think that the Death Eaters sort of propped up this new Gurg and encouraged him to kill Karkus and all of these other giants?

Eric: Probably, because killing is what they are going to want them to do when in the war with the wizards, so they’re probably going to back the most violent of them all.

Andrew: And if they, the Death Eaters, caught wind of Dumbledore pursuing the giants, then maybe they wanted to create some chaos within the group so that there was less of a chance that Dumbledore would be able to woo them. And if that’s true, it worked.

Laura: I could even see them wanting to create enough chaos to further wipe out the population so that they can’t be used at all.

Andrew: And by the way, this story on a whole is just a great example of the good guys not always winning. I actually really like that J.K. Rowling wrote this whole tale about them trying to pursue the giants and it was basically all for nothing. I mean, there’s a Grawp storyline to come, but other than that, they did lose this fight with the Death Eaters and Voldemort.

Eric: I agree. Yeah, they really did. And it’s kind of also a lesson to the consequences of bringing that gift; that Gubraithian fire that they led with, for instance, is a really cool gift – and props to Dumbledore for being able to create such a thing – but interference from Death Eaters aside, just he who has that prized possession, people are going to seek it. It’s kind of like the story of the unbeatable wand later on; it’s like, if you have the coolest gift, people are going to covet that and they’re going to want that, and that’s just human – or in this case, giant – nature, I think.

Andrew: That would win me over.

Eric: Right?

Andrew: Some everlasting fire, yeah. You know what people love in vacation rentals, particularly out west? Fire pits. Turn it on; just stare at the fire.

Laura: I think that this is also a good example, and can be applied to real life cases, of people assuming that they know what certain communities need, without thinking about what the impact might be. Sort of like intention versus impact, like, “My intent was good, but the ultimate impact of what I did actually made things worse.”

Micah: Absolutely.

Laura: And this is something we see a lot when people think they know what to do to help groups of people, instead of listening to what those groups of people need or want.

Micah: And along those lines, I thought that with this whole gift exchange, that Hagrid is blowing his load right from the start, right? He’s putting his best gift forward as the first gift, right?

Andrew: Well, maybe you need that.

Micah: Do you give the best gift on the first night of Hanukkah? No, you wait until the end.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Eric: I think it’s really important to lead with at least your second best gift because…

Micah: Well, yeah, okay, lead with the helmet. But I did want to touch on something: I would add another group – to Andrew, what you were talking about before – and that’s the Ministry. I think that the Ministry played a very large role in this, maybe even to the extent that we don’t really know about. We know that they’re tailing Hagrid and Madame Maxime in the early part of their journey, but I find it highly coincidental that the Death Eaters show up around the same time that Hagrid is taking this trip, and I’m wondering if the Ministry somehow, through Umbridge or through Lucius Malfoy, is not tipping off these Death Eaters to go to the same neck of the woods that Hagrid is.

Laura: Yep, and Umbridge makes it very clear here, in a few minutes later in the chapter, that she knows what Hagrid’s been up to.

Andrew: Oh, right. Yep. There’s your proof.

Micah: Now, is Hagrid truly the best envoy? He’s not the cleverest, and I’m not sure he’s the best negotiator if it came down to it.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: And maybe that’s why Madame Maxime is there. But I just question Hagrid being the best person for this job.

Andrew: Physically, he’s best suited. They can try to break him in half, but it’s going to be tougher than it is to break a normal human being.

Eric: Yeah, he’s a natural envoy to the giants. It’s like sending anyone other than Remus Lupin to the werewolves. Outsiders are not viewed sympathetically, for good reasons.

Micah: But they seem to have had the most success, outsiders, with the giants. Clearly, Macnair and others were able to convince Golgomath to do what he did.

Eric: Yeah, but the movie version of Macnair is a really tall dude, too. [laughs]

Micah: Yeah, but he’s an executioner. He’s not a giant.

Eric: No, yeah. It’s true. It’s definitely… whatever tactic the Death Eaters are employing does seem to work, I would say, considerably better than what Hagrid and Maxime are doing. But I don’t know that Dumbledore could have sent anybody else that would have been better, other than Dumbledore himself. But this is just the situation. It kind of feels like Dumbledore is just so spread so thin, running every aspect of the Order, really.

Micah: I mean, he’s not in the first half of this book, so he could easily go to the giants, so he might as well be.

Andrew: He’s busy, though. That’s why he’s not in the first half of the book.

Micah: Okay.

Andrew: What, do you think he’s sitting around watching TV?

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Andrew: We’ll learn what he was up to in a future spinoff book, I’m sure, and/or television adaptation. But I think Hagrid actually proves himself as a great candidate to go and speak to the giants here. He does follow Dumbledore’s directions very carefully, and he did have some of the giants convinced.

Micah: But speaking of Dumbledore, is he a bit reckless in his approach? He does end up getting Karkus killed, as well as members of another giant family, once the Death Eaters really start to have some influence on Golgomath. It’s sad, right? Hagrid and Maxime come across this cave of giants who seemingly would have been on their side, and in the end, they end up getting killed. So I wonder if Dumbledore ended up creating more trouble than would have normally happened as a result of all of this.

Laura: I was just wondering – and I feel like this would be very Dumbledore – if the whole motivation behind this mission was to distract the Death Eaters and spread their forces thin. If we sort of with a wink say, “Oh yeah, Hagrid is going to be away for a couple months; don’t worry about what he’s doing,” and it becomes very clear to them what he’s doing, suddenly you have to send a few Death Eaters to follow him, and maybe some folks from the Ministry too. And maybe this was all in an effort to keep all eyes off of Dumbledore, or at least to make it a lot harder to monitor Dumbledore and all of the people who he has connections with.

Eric: Given that giants die from this, I would hope that it’s not so reckless that it’s just a distraction. I think it’s a genuinely… it would be a really good thing if giants did join the good side, or at least refuse to fight for Voldemort.

Andrew: Yeah, that would make a lot of sense.

Eric: So I think it’s valuable.

Micah: Absolutely. And I think it also goes back to the fact that the Order as a whole is becoming more and more isolated, given everything that’s going on with the Ministry. So the more folks that they can rally to their cause while all this is happening, while the Ministry is in denial, is important because once the Ministry finally gets on the same page as Dumbledore and the Order, it’s too late.

Eric: So I had to laugh at a lot of these giant names that we get there. A lot of them are… I forget what the literary technique is, but it’s almost onomatopoeia, but it’s not. But the giant named Karkus who was quickly killed, and his lifeless body, also sometimes called a carcass, is discarded to the bottom of a local lake. It’s really funny. Grawp, actually…

Andrew: Karkus, carcass. Fred, dead. I see what you’re saying.

Eric: Get it? But Golgomath is possibly derived from the number Google. We’re all familiar with Google. It’s… one to the 100th power? Ten to the 100th power. It’s a single digit one with 100 zeros afterwards. So this is a huge number, so J.K. Rowling names the biggest giant this biggest number, basically. It’s just fun little linguistic joking that J.K. Rowling is doing here.

Micah: There’s a bit in here about the actual battles between these giants, and I’ve got to imagine that makes a lot of noise when these giants are fighting each other, which makes sense that they’re up in the mountains. Because imagine you’re on vacation; you’re up in the cabin in the mountains of… I did look up; it is supposedly in Russia. But let’s imagine you’re there on vacation; maybe Sarah Palin is just across the way…

[Eric laughs]

Micah: … and all of a sudden you hear these really loud, thunderous noises. And if you’re a Muggle, you can’t see this, right? So it’s got to be kind of odd.

Andrew: Yeah, you might think it’s a volcano or an earthquake, or some mining shaft just exploded, or… trying to think what else would make a loud noise in nature.

Laura: I do wonder if Muggles can see them, though, because Hagrid does talk about how Muggle bodies have been found after they discover giants, and they just get chalked up to mountaineering accidents.

Andrew: That would suck.

Micah: That would be weird to be eaten by something that you can’t even see.

Laura: Yeah. Well, and that’s why the giants were driven into seclusion in the first place, right? So that… you couldn’t just have giants walking around and maintain secrecy.

Micah: Speaking of Grawp, we don’t learn anything about what happened to Hagrid’s face in this chapter outside of him slapping some dragon meat on it. Hope that wasn’t Norberta, by the way.

Eric: [laughs] It’s not.

Micah: How do you know, though?

Eric: Because we hear about Norberta in the future tense, don’t we? In one of the future books. I think it’s Book 7.

Micah: All right. I’m trusting you on that.

Eric: Yeah, please do. It is a great visual gag, though.

Micah: He’s picking this up from a local market. You don’t know.

Eric: Well, I think it’s a valid question. How did Hagrid come upon this dragon meat? I think that’s a fair question.

Micah: That’s what took him so long to get back.

Eric: [laughs] He had to slay a dragon?

Micah: Yeah, cut it up. Make some steaks. Some go to Grawp. Some go to Fang. Where was Fang, by the way? Just chilling in the hut the whole time?

Eric: I guess.

Micah: Who babysat Fang during this? Dumbledore?

Eric: I mean, it should have been the children. But yeah, it might have been Dumbledore. Might have been…

Micah: That’s what Dumbledore has been doing this whole time.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Taking care of Fang. No, I kind of… obviously Hagrid doesn’t mention Fang on his journey, but I would totally see Hagrid taking Fang with him.

Micah: I don’t know.

Andrew: That’s what you do. You take your dog with you.

Micah: That would be a tasty snack for a giant.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Well, they keep Fang away. They don’t bring him down to the gift-giving ceremony.

Micah: That was going to be the third gift.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Laura: Maybe a really good friend of Hagrid’s pet-sat for a few months. Because clearly, Fang was not in the hut the entire time. And Hagrid just got back.

Andrew: Right. Well, maybe he just was…

Micah: Maybe it was Newt.

Andrew: Maybe he was just chilling in the Forbidden Forest. The dog is trained.

Micah: How about Newt? Newt is still alive.

Eric: Yeah!

Andrew: Newt has better things to do than watch somebody’s dog.

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: Unless he’s retired at this point.

Eric: Probably is.

Micah: Yeah, I would assume so.

Andrew: Fang would eat the Nifflers.

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Eric: No, he would just play with them a little bit.

Andrew: And then eat them when he got bored.

Micah: So what do we think the Death Eaters said to Golgomath to convince him to kill Karkus and start to really rally a lot of the other giants to the Death Eaters’ cause?

Andrew: Well, I think he would recall what happened during the first wizarding war. “They drove you guys out. How could you want to side with them this time? Stay with us; we’ll take them down. You can live wherever you want.”

Eric: I can also see the Death Eaters using Imperius and using magic on the giants that is a lot more subtle. I can’t see the Death Eaters having the same negotiation skill or style that the good side has. I can see them being a little bit more, I don’t know, deliberate, and because they’re the side of bad, they can give in to the giants’ tendencies for infighting and violence. It’s almost like the work is being done for them when it comes to fighting over the supreme fire and all this other stuff. It’s like the Death Eaters barely need to say anything and the giants are on their side.

Laura: Yeah, I think all they needed to do was find the most violent of the giants and say, “Hey, we would support you being the new Gurg. And you see all those gifts that he’s getting right now? You’re going to get all those things.”

Andrew: [in a mysterious voice] “Fire.” Well, speaking of being the new Gurg, the trio said, “How do you spot the Gurg? How do you know which one is the Gurg?” And Hagrid says, “Easy, it’s the biggest, the ugliest, the laziest.” So is that just a rule amongst the giants? One goes and then the next comes in? It’s kind of insulting. “All right, here’s our new biggest, ugliest, and laziest Gurg.”

Micah: You walk up, you’re like, “Hey, ugly,” and everybody turns around.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: “Welcome.”

Eric: I think it’s just… this was the result, right? Because all the other giants have to get food for their Gurg, that it’s just by, I guess, over a period of time that whoever is the Gurg becomes the biggest, the fattest, the laziest.

Andrew: Ahh, I see what you’re saying.

Eric: Habitually, you know what I’m saying?

Micah: Yeah, so just because they don’t do anything around camp, everybody provides for them.

Eric: Yeah, exactly. It’s not like those are the qualities that the giants value; it’s that that’s the aftermath of the repercussions of being the Gurg is you…

Andrew: They turn into that figure, right. Sort of like… I’m kind of the Gurg here on MuggleCast.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: People call me the leader, which I don’t love, but I am definitely the biggest, ugliest, and laziest.

Eric: I will contest you on a few of those things, dude.

Andrew: Okay.

Micah: Yeah, I’d say you’re in pretty good shape.

Andrew: [laughs] Yeah, I’m jacked, baby.

Micah: You’re more like… you watch Game of Thrones?

Andrew: Sort of.

Micah: You remember Wun Wun?

Andrew: Nope.

Micah: Well, he was the giant that ended up siding with Jon Snow.

Andrew: Did you say Won-Won? That’s Ron from Harry Potter, dude.

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Micah: Wun Wun.

Andrew: Wun Wun.

Micah: Close enough, close enough. Yeah.

Andrew: Oh, I see.

Micah: Did you look him up?

Andrew: Yeah, he definitely looks like me. [laughs]

Micah: Well, from a badass standpoint was what I’m trying to say.

Andrew: Got it, yeah. Thank you.

Eric: [laughs] The question that I had about Hagrid returning… we know that the events of the chapter… the meeting is interrupted and Harry can’t tell his story because Umbridge comes. But I initially had a lot of questions about, again, where’s Dumbledore? Wouldn’t Hagrid have reported directly to Dumbledore? There shouldn’t have been an opportunity where the kids can go visit him, and Umbridge can go visit him, and all these people can go… without him speaking to Dumbledore and doing a debrief. But then I remembered – and in this chapter, it is said – Hagrid does not take the normal route home, and there is an air of mystery about it. We know that it’s because he brought his brother back to the Forbidden Forest that the normal route of travel… and he would have been back months ago otherwise. He basically disobeyed Dumbledore’s orders. Hagrid has been up to something sneaky and so that, I guess, essentially is… I’m going to let Dumbledore off the hook. That’s why they haven’t debriefed yet, is because Hagrid took the long way home of his own volition, and that is not the plan.

Micah: Yeah, I would think that Hagrid’s first stop would be to Dumbledore. He even mentions that communication was near impossible because he was being trailed, and so they couldn’t communicate via owl. There’s probably other ways that they could do it, but yeah. But let Hagrid get a good night’s sleep in his own bed before he walks up to the castle and talks with Dumbledore. That’s probably not even a safe place for them to have that conversation. They probably need to do it somewhere in the forest.

Eric: Well, Dumbledore should come to him, though. There has to be a way of signaling… or Aberforth, for all intents and purposes, is a member of the Order even this early; he’s reporting to Dumbledore and everything else. Dumbledore could have said, “Go to the Hog’s Head and let the barman know that you’re there and I will be down in a minute.” They really could have planned a better debrief well before Umbridge’s prying eyes and ears came into play at all.

Micah: What about the Patronus? Don’t they communicate that way?

Eric: They do, later, but I don’t think Hagrid could conjure one.

Micah: But doesn’t he? Well, I don’t know. Maybe I’m misremembering, but don’t they communicate that way in Goblet of Fire?

Eric: I wonder.

Micah: When they find Barty Crouch, Sr.’s body, doesn’t Hagrid send a Patronus to Dumbledore? Or is it the other way around?

Andrew: It may have been the other way around. J.K. Rowling said Hagrid couldn’t produce a Patronus because it’s very difficult spell.

Eric: Yeah, we’re watching them…

Micah: Oh, so he can only receive one?

Andrew: Well, yeah, anybody could receive one.

Micah: That’s not cool.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Micah: In defense of Hagrid.

Eric: We’re watching them struggle to conjure them in Dumbledore’s Army, and these are wizards with two or more years more experience than Hagrid ever got at school. And Hagrid’s wand is snapped in half, too; I mean, we know his umbrella basically works. But I think something about the Patronus Charm, for how it’s lauded and appraised, means that Hagrid can’t do it.

Andrew: Ashley, who’s listening live on Patreon, says, “Maybe Professor Grubbly-Plank puppy-sat Fang.”

Eric: I believe that.

Andrew: Didn’t think about that.

Andrew and Eric: Yeah.

Micah: All right, let’s talk Umbridge.

Andrew: Yeah, so Umbridge arrives.

Micah: She does, unexpectedly. And if you’re Hagrid, at this point, you’ve got to be kind of pissed off, right? This is the fourth person to show up on your doorstep since you just got back home.

Andrew: “Just got back; give me a break.” Yeah, I hate coming back from a trip and people want to talk to me? No, thank you.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Especially for how long he’s been away, and what he went through? I need at least a night to recuperate.

Micah: Exactly. And she does note the fact that there were footsteps – which we talked about earlier – leading up to the cabin, but none going back to the castle.

Andrew: Yeah. I mean, it was terribly obvious that somebody else was just there. Not just the footprints, but the voices as well. This should have been a moment – I’m actually surprised this didn’t happen – where Umbridge exposes… utters some spell and the Invisibility Cloak comes up. Maybe she does a wind spell to blow cloaks around…

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: … because she must know that an Invisibility Cloak exists. And this should have been a moment where Umbridge catches the trio and the Invisibility Cloak gets confiscated, because it’s just so clear that somebody else is in that hut.

Laura: Yeah, I don’t think she’s a very gifted witch, so I’m not sure that she would have been able to do anything to expose them. All we see her do in this book is be on a power trip, and she just uses her authority to implement punishments and things like that. But I don’t think we ever really see her do anything particularly impressive with her magical abilities.

Andrew: And maybe also not gifted in a way that would make her actually think that somebody was hiding under a cloak or some other form of magical invisibility.

Eric: Right. I mean, it’s tense because she still searches nearly every square inch of the place and comes within a couple inches. Harry even has to suck in whatever gut he has as a 15-year-old so that she doesn’t bump into them.

Andrew and Micah: Yeah.

Eric: But given the evidence, it is pretty definitive that there’s somebody down there. I mean, really, the footprints are the smoking gun, so I’m surprised…. trying to think, if I were Umbridge, would I stick my hand out and run around? Do the unexpected? Because she does seem to be doing a more methodical search, and if they had needed to, the trio under the Invisibility Cloak could walk to the other side of the room when she’s over in one corner.

Andrew: Or just sit there until the people who are hiding revealed themselves. Then she wouldn’t have to do any magic; she’d just have to be stubborn.

Eric: Oh, yeah.

Andrew: So I was wondering, have there been times where Harry has been caught? And next book, obviously, Draco catches him on the train, and that’s a really tense scene. But then, Eric, you also found a couple areas where Dumbledore is aware that Harry is using the cloak, but I think the first time that a bad guy actually catches Harry is in the next book, right?

Eric: Yeah, unless you count Mrs. Norris, I think Draco would be the first one to catch him. But what Dumbledore is doing, I seem to recall – correct me if I’m wrong, or if you guys remember this, please back me up – but I think Rowling actually said that the reason that it appears as though Dumbledore can see Harry when he’s under the cloak, or Dumbledore becomes aware of Harry’s presence, is because he is nonverbally casting the Homenum Revelio spell that we see a little later on, I think, in Deathly Hallows, and that is indicating to Dumbledore, at least, that there’s a human in the room, and that that spell is penetrating the cloak.

Andrew: Right, right. And when he does know that Harry is under the cloak in Chamber of Secrets, he glances their way. J.K. Rowling doesn’t write that “Dumbledore stared right at Harry; he had been revealed,” but Dumbledore does look that way, and that seems to suggest that the spell Homenum Revelio is alerting him to a human presence in a certain direction, perhaps.

Eric: Yeah, it’s lighting him up.

Micah: At least in the movie in that same scene, Lucius Malfoy reaches out and tries to grasp the Invisibility Cloak…

Andrew: Right.

Micah: … so I wonder, is that more just because he thinks somebody is there, versus knowing that somebody is present? Because it’s almost a similar type of scene to Chamber of Secrets, when Umbridge shows up and tries to catch the trio.

Andrew: Yeah. I don’t think Lucius was doing what Dumbledore was doing. I think, at least in the movie, it was just to create a tense moment. Like, “Oh my God, he’s about to be caught.”

Micah: And I still think that it’s very impressive that Dumbledore can do this with respect to Harry’s Invisibility Cloak, because it is one of the Deathly Hallows. It’s not your average Invisibility Cloak that Dumbledore can detect somebody under or see through, if, in fact, he’s able to do that. And there’s also this point in here about in Book 1, Dumbledore knows that Harry has been visiting the mirror, even though he’s been diligent about wearing the cloak. Dumbledore says, “I have other ways of making myself invisible.”

Andrew: Creepy.

Eric: [laughs] Yeah, I’ve always enjoyed that line from Rowling being that it appears in Book 1, because you’re like, “Oh, the wide wizarding world; there’s so many exciting things we’ve yet to discover.” And I’m glad that at least in this book, in Book 5, she introduces the Disillusionment Charm and how that feels, which is another way of making oneself invisible, so I’m glad that that thread gets a little bit of a follow-up.

Andrew: Yeah. So all in all, I’m just… I actually kind of wish that Umbridge caught them in Hagrid’s hut. I think they deserved it for the reasons we’ve brought up throughout the episode. And then, of course, it’s just so obvious that somebody else is there. Cover your footsteps, or sneak out the… I don’t know, something.

Micah: Yeah, I think this also creates a ripple effect for Hagrid and for the trio down the road because it immediately creates a situation where Umbridge doesn’t trust Hagrid, and I think we see further Educational Decrees that are a result of what they are doing right now.

Eric: Yeah, I think so too. And did we want to talk about just how obvious Hagrid’s lies are? [laughs] Because unfortunately, being put on the spot, I think it’s clear to anybody who doubted whether or not Hagrid was telling the truth that it’s clear that he’s definitely not.

Micah: Well, I think the only thing that really could be a legitimate situation is the teacup and the fact that Fang knocked it over. That’s believable, in my opinion. But the talking and the footprints, he can’t really explain away, and the fact that he says that he’s been away for his health…

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: As he holds the dragon’s… yeah.

Micah: Maybe that’s believable.

Andrew: I wonder if he had that prepared, or he needed to come up with that on the fly, because he also should have been warned that somebody was back at the school who was going to be cracking down. He can’t really talk with anybody while he’s on the move because that would present a risk, but Dumbledore should have warned him, I think, right before he got there. Or Dumbledore should have been the one rushing down to see Hagrid as soon as he got back.

Eric: Yeah, I agree.

Micah: He’s there; he’s just invisible. He’s watching the whole thing.

Eric: [laughs] Kelly, over on our listening live feed, does remind us that Mad-Eye Moody – or rather, Barty Crouch as Mad-Eye – could see under the cloak as well.

Laura: Oh, yep. I do wonder here… Umbridge turning up so quickly, this makes me think that Filch, somebody who is constantly paying attention to what’s happening at the school, probably saw footprints in the snow and went and roused Umbridge, which would explain why Umbridge got there before, say, Dumbledore did. Because I don’t think Filch would go to Dumbledore.

Andrew: No, that’s… yeah, yeah.

Micah: That’s an interesting point. Yeah, and we know that he’s been working on something very special for his return to Care of Magical Creatures. Hermione is definitely not about it…

[Eric laughs]

Micah: … and is cautioning him… she’s trying to caution him and to tell him, “Look, you mess up, you’re going to be out of here real quick.”

Andrew: And maybe this is one of the reasons that this scene exists in the first place, so Hermione can become stressed out about Hagrid’s lessons. Because this is the first of a few times where she tries to control Hagrid’s lessons, in fear of him being suspended by Umbridge.

Micah: Absolutely.

Laura: And this is also a really convenient point to drop another clue about Thestrals. Hagrid says he’s been bringing them on for years, and that he thinks he has the only domestic herd in Britain.

Andrew: We get to see them, so to speak, on [takes a deep breath] Hagrid’s Magical Creatures Motorbike Adventure at Universal Orlando Resort.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: Oh my God, does that mean we’ve seen people die?

Andrew: Well, I mean, you see where they’re supposed to be, but you don’t actually see them.

Laura: Ohh, that’s cool.

Eric: The voiceover from Robbie Coltrane is like, “Don’t mind the Thestrals.”

Andrew: Yeah, they’re at the beginning of the ride. And maybe… I don’t know if somebody brought this up in the Patreon Facebook group, or… somebody said, “Wouldn’t it be cool…?” Or maybe I just dreamed this. Wouldn’t it be cool to have a Thestral ride at the Wizarding World Park? And then I was thinking, how could we do that? Because you would want to sit on top of a Thestral, so would it just be a glass Thestral?

Eric: Right.

Andrew: So you’re sitting on something but you can’t see it. But then I was thinking, how could they keep that so clean where it looks invisible? That seems like a great ride idea, in my opinion. You’re actually sitting on something but you can’t see it. That’s magic. [laughs]

Eric: Yeah. Yes, it is.

Andrew: What’s so funny? That would be.

Micah: Sure, I like the idea. It would be a cool ride, especially when they go out over the Thames.

Eric: Oh, yeah.

Micah: In Order of the Phoenix.

Eric: Well, it reminds me so much of Flights of Passage, though, in Avatar land, where the beast is breathing underneath your legs. It’s awesome. Awesome experience.

Micah: All right, I think that wraps up this chapter. The trio head back up to the castle and somehow are not caught on their way back to Gryffindor tower.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: I don’t know how that’s possible.

Andrew: The cloak, the cloak, the cloak. I mean, these guys are…

Micah: Well, and the Marauder’s Map.

Andrew: Well, I was just going to say, between the cloak and the Marauder’s Map, these guys are invincible. They can get away with anything.

Micah: Yeah. I would think Umbridge would be a little bit better at that than she is, but I assume she went off immediately to report to Fudge, and that’s why they get a free pass back to the Gryffindor comment room.


Top Ten (Seven)


Andrew: This chapter made us wonder: What if Hagrid was lying? What if he actually didn’t go to the giants? What was he really doing? And we thought we would bring back our Top Ten list idea from days gone by, but we wanted to change it to seven because… well, why not? [laughs]

Micah: Seven is a magical number.

Andrew: Oh, that’s the reason. Yeah, thank you. So here are the top seven reasons Hagrid was really missing in action, and thank you to some of our listeners who participated. This first one from Meg Scott: “He took a sabbatical to play flute on the Weird Sisters’ 1995 World Tour.”

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Andrew: He’s like Lizzo.

Eric: Oh, Lizzo plays flute?

Andrew: Yeah, that’s her big thing.

Eric: Oh, wow.

Andrew: His name is Hizzo, though.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Number six: Chris Davis says, “He was out here just lookin’ for America, man.”

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: Number five, Robbie Stillman: “J.K. Rowling was bored writing his Care of Magical Creatures class.”

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: I bet there’s some truth in that one.

Eric: But she wrote Grubbly-Plank’s, though. She still has to write about the class.

Andrew: True. Yeah, but all those weird ways that Hagrid pronounces things, she didn’t want to write all that.

Eric: Oh, right, right.

Laura: Number four: I said that he was out filming a sequel to the Fantastic Beasts series.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: Number three, from Alex Kay: “He never left. He was in his hut, hibernating after Madame Maxime broke his heart.” Aww. So he makes up this story in which Madame Maxime and him are on the road together, still clearly totally in love.

Micah: Number two: He heard some [censored] named Dolores was running Hogwarts and wanted none of it.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Fair enough. I think that would keep me away, too.

Andrew: Micah wrote that one.

Eric: [laughs] And here’s one that I wrote…

Micah: No, no, you have to go, “And the number one reason Hagrid was really…”

Eric: I know, I know, I know.

Micah: This is great. You’ve got to deliver on this, Eric.

Eric: I usually shy away from being the dirtiest mind in the room. Listeners under 20, cover your ears.

[Micah laughs]

Eric: And the number one reason Hagrid was really MIA: He was climbing Mount Olympe-us.

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Eric: Wow. Bow-chica-wow-wow.

Micah: Care to elaborate, Eric?

Eric: Nope.

Andrew: Because if giants are loud, then half-giants are probably loud as well, and they need to be away from everybody so nobody can hear them.

Eric: Oh, yeah.

Andrew: On to the Umbridge Suck count; it currently stands at 40. Plus one for bothering Hagrid as soon as he got back after months away. Give him some time to chill!

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Andrew: Next one: questioning why footsteps would be leading to Hagrid’s door. He can have friends, all right? Just let him live. It’s okay he has visitors. So what?

[Eric and Laura laugh]

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Eric: And the third one was she didn’t let Fang, who’s clearly a good boy, lick her face. She wouldn’t accept the kisses.

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Andrew: I am with Umbridge on that one.

Micah: Yeah, me too.

Andrew: I do not like dogs licking faces. That is…

Eric: You own a dog!

Andrew: So?

Eric: You don’t let Brooklyn lick your face?

Andrew: No, and he doesn’t, thank gosh.

Eric: That’s because he’s small, right?

Andrew: Maybe.


Connecting the Threads


Laura: All right, and we do have some threads to connect, some really fun ones that really throw back to the Buckbeak storyline in Prisoner of Azkaban. We can start with Macnair’s resurgence in this chapter; he was the one who was set to execute Buckbeak in Prisoner of Azkaban, and we learn that he is on the Death Eaters’ giant recruitment force in Order of the Phoenix, and Hagrid recognizes him in the mountains. Then I also thought it was pretty cute that Hagrid was so surprised that Hermione would act like they would ever do anything dangerous in Care of Magical Creatures, given what happens with Buckbeak in Prisoner of Azkaban. He’s very taken aback that she suggests they would do anything dangerous in class.

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Laura: It’s very Hagrid. And then also in Prisoner of Azkaban, Hermione is the one who puts together Hagrid’s whole defense with the Ministry regarding Buckbeak, and now she’s vowing to write Hagrid’s lesson plans for him and to do anything that it takes to stop Umbridge from firing him.

Andrew: Poor Hermione doing all this for Hagrid.

Laura: I know.

Andrew: She doesn’t get any appreciation for it.

Laura: This always happens to women, too. It’s like, let’s just…

Andrew: [laughs] Nobody recognizes all y’all do.

Laura: Yep, it’s true.

Micah: And with all this, it makes me want to look up… when we were talking before about Fang. Does Fang take a similar approach to Fudge in…? It would probably be Chamber of Secrets, right? Not Prisoner of Azkaban. Trying to lick his face or do something along those lines?

Laura: Oooh, that’s a good question.

Eric: Yeah, not that I can recall. Maybe it’s all the cats on…? Oh yeah, no, that’s just… the cats are on the plates. I’m like, why is Fang so interested in Dolores?

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: I think Fang has just been darn lonely all these months.

Andrew: Yeah. Maybe it’s her perfume. You know she’s got some.


MVP of the Week


Andrew: Time for MVP of the Week.

[MVP of the Week music plays]

Andrew: I’m going to give it to Hagrid for risking his life at Dumbledore’s request.

Eric: I gave it to Hermione because she asks Hagrid if he had new information about his mother. Very astute.

Micah: I’ll give it to Madame Maxime for accompanying Hagrid on this journey, creating that international bond between…

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Micah: Well, I wasn’t going there, Andrew…

Andrew: Suuure.

Micah: … but if you want me to. And also, quick wand work. She had some spells she cast in this chapter; we didn’t touch on that.

Laura: And I’m giving mine to Fang for not only being a good boy, but also for distracting Umbridge.


Rename the Chapter


Andrew: All right, and now let’s rename the chapter. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 19, “Who is the ugliest of them all?”

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Reference to the Gurg.

Eric: I named mine Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 19…

[“Eternal Flame” by The Bangles plays]

Andrew: Longest chapter title ever.

Laura: [laughs] Also, “I watch you when you are sleeping.”

Eric: Yeah, just like they do to the giants.

Laura: [laughs] Yeah, that’s true.

Eric: I think Rowling was on a Bangles kick when she wrote this chapter.

Micah: All right. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 19, “A Giant Waste of Time.”

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: True. That’s my favorite this week.

Laura: And I went with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 19, “Tall Tales.”

Andrew: Like he’s lying?

Laura: I think it’s like a bit of a double entendre?

Micah: Double meaning.

Andrew: Oooh.

Laura: They met with giants.

Andrew: Right, they’re big.

Laura: And Hagrid is trying to tell lies.

Andrew: Right.

Eric: Oh, and the Death Eaters are tailing them.

Laura: Yep.

Eric: So “Hagrid’s Tale/Tail” could refer to the Death Eaters as well.

Andrew: And alliteration, wow. I just love these chapter titles this week. So much good stuff. If you have any feedback about today’s discussion, send it on in, or if you have a question about Chapter 20, MuggleCast@gmail.com is where you can reach us. You can also send us a voice memo; just please remember to keep it about a minute long and record in a quiet place. Just use the Voice Memo app that’s built into your phone and then email it to that same address. We also have the contact form on our website, MuggleCast.com; you can just click “Contact” at the top.


Quizzitch


Andrew: It’s time for Quizzitch.

[Quizzitch music plays]

Eric: Last week’s question: Where does Hagrid have a disagreement with a vampire? The correct answer was, of course, a pub in Minsk, which is in Belarus. The correct answers were submitted by Lacey, Tara, Meg Scott, Sara, CountRavioli, Caleb, Nicki, Jason, HallowWolf, Stacey, MichaelNotEric, and Auralie. Congratulations to everyone who submitted. Next week’s question: Who does Neville Longbottom say he saw die that allows him to see the Thestrals?

Andrew: All right. Well, thank you, everybody, for listening to today’s episode. We would love your support over at Patreon.com/MuggleCast. If you enjoy what we do, we’re glad to hear that, and it’s because of support from listeners like you, so just head to Patreon.com/MuggleCast, pledge today, and you will get instant access to years of benefits, including many installments of bonus MuggleCast. And if you pledge at that Dumbledore’s Army level or higher, you will be eligible for this year’s physical gift. I think that does it for this week’s episode. Thanks, everybody, for listening. I’m Andrew.

Eric: I’m Eric.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: Bye, everybody.

Eric, Laura, and Micah: Bye.

Transcript #455

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #455, How To Hogwarts (OOTP 19, The Lion & The Serpent)


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into the wizarding world. I’m Andrew.

Eric Scull: I’m Eric.

Micah Tannenbaum: I’m Micah.

Laura Tee: And I’m Laura.

Andrew: On today’s show we are discussing Chapter 19 of Order of the Phoenix, “The Lion and the Serpent,” and we also have a debate tied to it. I think we might be annoying some of our listeners if we actually believe these stances Micah gave us.

Micah: [laughs] Why would you say that?

Andrew: Because you are making you and I say some terrible things, and I’m worried.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: Why, because we’re arguing on the right side of the law?

Andrew and Eric: Wow.

Andrew: Okay, well, we’ll talk about that later in today’s episode. We also have some great feedback and a little bit of news, so let’s start with that. I didn’t realize this; The Tales of Beedle the Bard has never had an audiobook, but that changes later this month because on March 31, an “all-star,” as Eric wrote, cast of Harry Potter cast members are getting together to record this. It makes a lot of sense that they’re involving a lot of actors and actresses, because The Tales of Beedle the Bard, of course, is made up of multiple stories by J.K. Rowling. This was released in what, 2008, I want to say?

Eric: Something like that, yeah.

Andrew: So get this: Sally Mortemore… well, nobody knows her. Madam Pince, she’s going to intro the book; Noma Dumezweni, who played Hermione in Cursed Child, she’s going to read “The Tale of the Three Brothers”; Evanna Lynch is going to read “The Fountain of Fair Fortune”; Bonnie Wright is going to read “Babbity Rabbity and her Cackling Stump”; Jason Isaacs is going to read “The Warlock’s Hairy Heart”; and Warwick Davis reads “The Wizard and the Hopping Pot.” And then, of course, the book has those introductions from Dumbledore, which are so great, and Jude Law is going to narrate those. So big cast of people getting together to record this. Sounds like a great idea.

Eric: Yeah, yeah. I’m really getting into audiobooks lately, a little bit even more than I have in the past, and audiobooks that have multiple narrators are really a cool thing also. It just feels like a special multimedia production of some sort, or theatrical kind of a thing.

Andrew: Keeps it fresh too, I imagine, while you’re reading.

Eric: Yeah, absolutely. And there is a degree of cleverness as well behind the different people they’ve chosen for each of these things. So for instance, Noma Dumezweni… Hermione in the movie reads “The Tale of the Three Brothers”; Emma Watson does.

Andrew: Oh, yeah.

Eric: And then so to have another Hermione, to have Cursed Child‘s original cast member Hermione read it in this audiobook, is a clever either nod, or it just makes sense that as Dumbledore gifts that book to Hermione, that she would be reading that chapter.

Andrew: Yeah, that’s very clever.

Micah: I love how they got the librarian to intro the book.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Micah: Very appropriate.

Eric: And I’m struggling to remember the scene that she was in, that Madam Pince was in. I can’t… I think…

Andrew: It was the scene where she goes, “Shh!”

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Eric: She looks like the witch who was at the high table in the Great Hall in a couple scenes that I always assumed was Professor Sinistra.

Andrew: Oh, I think I did too.

Eric: Yeah, you just always kind of assume because the librarian wouldn’t necessarily get a seat at the high table, right?

Andrew: Right. No offense to any librarians out there.

Eric: No, no, but you don’t see Filch sitting up there either.

Micah: Yeah, because I’m sure there are no librarians who listen to this show.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: There are… I actually know three librarians who listen to the show.

Micah: That’s my point. Well, isn’t there a moment in the Restricted Section, or am I thinking of Sorcerer’s Stone?

Eric: Sorcerer’s Stone.

Andrew: Yes, that’s kind of what I was referring to. You wrote down, Eric, Chamber of Secrets, but in this article it just says Harry Potter film series, so I don’t know. Maybe she’s not in Chamber of Secrets at all.

Eric: Yeah. Huh.

Micah: I knew I saw her in the Battle for Hogwarts.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: Maybe they amended the article, because I definitely remember it saying Chamber of Secrets.

Micah: Her and Sean Biggerstaff, right? Flying by in that one very quick moment.

Eric: Oh, God.

Andrew: Totally. And Winky was there too.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: Even though she never appeared in Goblet of Fire, they… yeah.

Andrew: So we haven’t done this in a while, MuggleCast TBT. We post these on social media about every week, and now that we are approaching our 15th anniversary, we want to include more of these on each episode of MuggleCast. I loved this one that we posted earlier this week; thanks to our social media manager Jule for posting this. We were in London, actually for the release of The Tales of Beedle the Bard, so appropriate that this clip was posted this week. And we are discussing if J.K. Rowling could write any other books beyond Harry Potter. Listen to this.

[TBT clip starts]

Andrew: Well, anything she does now is going to be… it’s going to get huge hype around it, because how could it not? And imagine starting another suspense novel or whatever and starting this whole trilogy all over again. It won’t be as fun as Harry Potter, but…

Elysa: Didn’t she say, though, that if she published anything else outside of Harry Potter, she was considering using a pseudonym?

Andrew: Oh, a what?

Elysa: A pseudonym? Like, changing her name?

Andrew: Oh, to like, Joanne Rowling? Wasn’t she just joking, though?

Elysa: I mean, I couldn’t tell.

Jamie: It’ll get leaked as well. We’re going to find out what it is.

Elysa: Yeah, no. I mean, we definitely would.

Andrew: That’d be really hard to keep it a secret.

[TBT clip ends]

Andrew: That’s kind of crazy that I spoke about that, because that’s exactly what happened. She published under a pseudonym, and it got leaked. [laughs]

Eric: And Andrew, you predicted that it would be also in the same genre as Harry Potter, suspense/mystery.

Andrew: Yeah, yeah. Well, she writes what she knows. Also, it sounded like I didn’t know what a pseudonym was.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: Elysa had to give me a definition, or maybe I just couldn’t hear her. I don’t know, but that’s a little embarrassing.

Laura: Well, you guys were live, right? So yeah, it happens.

Andrew: It could be hard to hear each other.

Laura: I was going to say, wow, my voice has changed so much since then.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: No, Laura, that wasn’t you.

Laura: Who’s that British guy?

Andrew: Oh. [laughs] That was Jamie. And the woman was Elysa, who was on the show a while ago. Laura’s BFF.

Eric: But Jamie is saying it would leak and it would be hard to keep under wraps. That’s exactly what happened.

Andrew: Yeah, exactly.

Eric: Very cool.

Andrew: So yeah, we’ll include more of those on the show as we approach our 15th anniversary.


Listener Feedback


Andrew: Moving over to Muggle Mail now; we have this voice memo from Jacob.

[Voicemail plays]

“Hi, MuggleCast. This is Jacob from Virginia. I have really enjoyed the last few episodes of your podcast as we’ve been going through these chapters of Order of the Phoenix because I had forgotten how much I love these chapters, but also how much of an influence that they made on my own life. You brought up a few weeks ago if anybody had a teacher in high school that they just really didn’t enjoy or felt like wasn’t very qualified for their job, and that is absolutely how my classmates and I felt about our chorus teacher. We loved singing in choir, and we had a very young, new teacher who was really ineffective and didn’t quite have the skills to do it, and so in that role, I actually started an afterschool group and would often during class take my classmates to the band room, which was empty at the time, and I got to practice teaching for a little bit. And now I am a high school choir director and I love everything about it, but I felt very much like Harry in a role, that if we were going to do what we wanted to do, we would have to have some initiative from the student side. So thank you for doing what you all do, and keep it up.”

[Voicemail ends]

Andrew: That’s awesome, Jacob. Thank you so much for sharing.

Laura: Yeah, that’s really cool.

Eric: I wonder if the original teacher has gotten better. I know some teachers they can hire pretty young, right out of school, and it’s possible that there were some growing pains there. But I wonder if Jacob is now teaching at the same school, either alongside the choir director, or whether they’re fired and no longer there.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: “Let me show you how it’s done.”

Eric: I’d love, yeah, a follow-up. But it’s really lovely to hear this as a real world example of kids taking the effort.

Andrew: Yeah, absolutely. Okay, now we have this email from Heather:

“I wanted to send in a little note in regards to your discussion a few episodes ago about the Hog’s Head. I happened to come across the word ‘hogshead’ in the Official Scrabble Players dictionary, just by chance, because it was at the top of a page. It is defined as a ‘large cask.’ I found this so interesting, and looking a little further into it, Wikipedia defines it as: ‘a large cask of liquid (or, less often, of a food commodity). More specifically, it refers to a specified volume, measured in either imperial or US customary measures, primarily applied to alcoholic beverages, such as wine, ale, or cider.’ So it seems that the name of the pub was very purposely chosen! I thought you might find this interesting, so wanted to share.”

Laura: That’s really cool.

Andrew: I did not realize that was a real word, yeah.

Eric: It’s kind of breaking my brain a little bit.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: That something in the wizarding world is real?

Eric: Yeah, well, that hogshead is a word; hogshead, if you put a space in it, it’s the Hog’s Head. That’s the name of the pub. But there’s also this weird connection: hogshead you store wine in, but there’s all these hog things – Hogwarts, Hogsmeade – and so did J.K. Rowling start with hogshead that she changed into Hog’s Head, and was like, “Let’s keep with this hogs theme. Going to put it in Hogsmeade next to Hogwarts; that’s the name of the school”? Because it’s just so many hogs, I guess, around.

Andrew: So many hogs. I think what this means is that we could call the show Hogshead, and we couldn’t get sued by Warner Bros. because this was a word that existed outside of the wizarding world.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Laura: HogsheadCast.

Andrew: We found something. HogsheadCast.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: HoggyCast.

Andrew: HogsCast.

Laura: Love it.

Andrew: HogsCast was cool.

Micah: This, to me, is an example of J.K. Rowling being very intentional about name origins. I know back in the day we used to have the name origins section on MuggleNet, and it was amazing just diving into all the little details of characters and places and spells, and this is another one of those examples where there’s more meaning beneath the surface.

Laura: Agreed. We have another piece of feedback from Rebecca in Reading, UK. Rebecca says,

“I was just listening to Episode 454 where you discuss Chapter 18 of Order of the Phoenix. You mention that Dumbledore’s comment about finding a room full of chamberpots was probably a deliberate clue to point Harry towards the Room of Requirement. However, I don’t think Dumbledore ever knew about the Room of Requirement. In Deathly Hallows, when Harry finally realizes where the diadem is hidden, he thinks: ‘Tom Riddle, who confided in no one and operated alone, might have been arrogant enough to assume that he, and only he, had penetrated the deepest mysteries of Hogwarts Castle. Of course, Dumbledore and Flitwick, those model pupils, had never set foot in that particular place, but he, Harry, had strayed off the path in his time at school – here at last was a secret he and Voldemort knew, that Dumbledore had never discovered.‘ I thought this was a really important moment for Harry, and another illustration of the parallels between him and Riddle. But do you think that Harry was just naive to assume that Dumbledore didn’t know about the Room of Requirement? Or is it specifically the room where everything is hidden that Dumbledore didn’t know about? And if Dumbledore did know, why didn’t he think to check there for Horcruxes?”

Laura: Ooh, so many good questions here.

Andrew: Yeah. And to clarify, I think Rebecca is specifically asking about that room that we see in Deathly Hallows, not the Room of Requirement on a whole, because as we discussed previously, Dumbledore is aware of the room; he says so in Goblet of Fire. He at least accidentally came across it in that book. To answer Rebecca’s question, it sounds like he wasn’t aware of that specific version of the Room of Requirement.

Eric: Right, because to her question, why didn’t he think to check there for Horcruxes?

Andrew: Right, he travels to a faraway cave, but not the Room of Requirement?

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: I mean, if he had any idea that there was a Horcrux in there, he would have just went there. I mean, he would have preferred going there instead of a cave far away.

Micah: Especially given the fact that Dumbledore feels very strongly that Horcruxes would be tied in some way to the founders, and what better place to hide a Horcrux than inside of Hogwarts?

Eric: Oh, yeah.

Micah: Now, does that quote mean that Dumbledore and Flitwick went to school together?

Eric: That’s a weird thing that J.K. Rowling wrote.

Micah: It’s a weird pairing, right? I mean…

Eric: Yeah, it’s an odd thing to read from Harry’s perspective.

Micah: I wonder, is there some sort of book or scroll that gets passed down from one headmaster to the next that details out the secrets of Hogwarts? Or are you kind of on your own as a headmaster to figure it out?

Eric: Huh. It’s a good question.

Andrew: Well, you can consult the portraits, and I guess they would be a little helpful.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: But yeah, I don’t know. You would think there’s a book. “How to Hogwarts.”

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: By the founders.

Laura: Let’s reach out to J.K. Rowling on Twitter and see if she’ll put this together.

Andrew: No, she won’t. If she’s not doing the encyclopedia, she’s not doing that. Unless she does a founders series. Yeah, interesting perspective. Thank you, Rebecca.


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Andrew: Okay, it’s time now for Chapter by Chapter, and this week we are discussing Order of the Phoenix Chapter 19, “The Lion and the Serpent.” And as always, we will start with our seven-word summary. Eric, ready when you are.

Eric: All right. I’m feeling frisky. I’m going to start with the word… The…

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

Micah: … Quidditch…

Andrew: … match…

Laura: … features…

Andrew: … Draco…

Micah: … falling…

Eric: … out.

Andrew: Okay.

Laura: When I chose “features,” I was thinking “bullying from Slytherin.”

Andrew: Oh.

Andrew and Eric: Yeah.

Eric: I mentioned… I said falling out because Draco in this chapter falls way out of my favor as a character. And furthermore, I’ve been considering maybe going into some post-canon Harry/Draco fanfic; I was like, “This seems cool. It’s time for me to visit some of those many Harry Potter fans who think that would be a realistic relationship.” But after reading this chapter, I’m thinking that no Harry Draco romance fic can exist if the author of each said fic allows this chapter to be canon and included, because Draco crosses the line in this chapter.

Micah: Draco is 15 years old, though. Let’s also remember that.

Andrew: Yeah, and he does redeem himself in Cursed Child, I feel.

Eric: Wait, when?

Andrew: Well, Harry and Draco have a cordial relationship in the play.

Eric: It’s just the insults, man. It’s like…

Andrew: I know they’re bad, but yeah, I agree with Micah. He is a kid, so you have to forgive him a little bit.

Eric: Okay, I’m looking forward to our debate.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: And highly influenced by his father.

Andrew: And actually, I’ll give this real world example – and I don’t have the answer to this, so you guys can tell me – I was bullied by a kid in elementary school. He choked me at one point in elementary school.

Eric: What?!

Andrew: Yeah, his name was also Andrew. A worse Andrew, obviously.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: But now I cracked up years later when he sends me a Facebook friend request. I’m like, “Uh, Dude, do you remember when you choked me at school? Am I supposed to forget that?” [laughs] So it’s like, these people who may have been bullies in their early years, you have to make a choice. Do you forgive these people or not? And do you realize that they are different people now?

Laura: Yeah. I definitely had a bully when I was in middle school, and at the time it was really easy to hate her, but now, as an adult looking back… I met her mother, and I’ve realized now… I’m like, “Oh, that’s why she was the way that she was, because her mom was a bully too.”

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: So actually, in retrospect, it wasn’t her fault.

Andrew and Eric: Yeah.

Andrew: Well, we can talk about this more.

Eric: Yeah, sure. No, I find it interesting… it’s definitely appropriate to start the chapter off mentioning bullying overtones.

Micah: Absolutely.

Eric: I denied my bullies’ Facebook friend requests.

Andrew: Did you? [laughs]

Eric: But there were peripheral bullies that I have accepted.

Micah: Don’t validate the bully, yeah, exactly.

[Andrew laughs]


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Eric: But yeah, so going off of a successful first Dumbledore’s Army meeting in the last chapter, “Dumbledore’s Army,” we actually see there’s a little passage of time between the chapters, and they’ve now had three successful Dumbledore’s Army meetings, and in fact, the students are getting so good that Neville has now disarmed Hermione. That’s super impressive, right?

Andrew: Yeah, it’s nice to see the progress.

Eric: It really goes to show as well, towards… back to Jacob’s voice memo, too, when kids are running the show, or when you’re taking it upon yourself to learn, you’re going to automatically be more engaged in the material and a little bit more inspired, I think. Dumbledore’s Army is really, we’re finding, a complete antidote to what’s going on at school, and it’s really helping these people learn defense. Other shout-outs to best improved: Colin Creevey has mastered the Impediment Jinx, and Parvati Patil casts a mean Reducto, so that’s pretty cool.

Andrew: Did we discuss this on last week’s episode? The listener that pointed out that Harry being a teacher here, he’s getting in that teacher fill that he may have wanted post-Harry Potter, we speculated that he may have wanted post-Harry Potter? And here are some good examples of Harry being able to successfully teach his fellow students. So yeah, I can see why maybe he didn’t feel the urge to go back to Hogwarts to teach, because he already did it.

Eric: [laughs] But yeah, I think that would have been a natural thing for him as well, a natural evolution. He could have really made it work.

Micah: Yeah, he’s the best Defense Against the Dark Arts professor they’ve had since Lupin.

Andrew: Yeah, and he returns the following year.

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Eric: Once the curse is lifted, yeah. But it’s also an example of the saying that all the best stuff comes out of struggle. It’s an example that… they’ve created Dumbledore’s Army because of the way Umbridge was behaving, and similarly, Hermione develops a way for them all to know when the next meeting of the DA is going to be. And this is actually really super cool; they’re having to, I guess, move around everybody else’s practices, everybody’s Quidditch training schedules, because there are three Houses represented in Dumbledore’s Army – Quidditch, of course, being a huge part of this chapter later. But Hermione comes up with this, as we all know, really neat idea to use a fake Galleon, and a Galleon which around the edges normally has a serial number on it; instead of being just some arbitrary serial number, you will change the Galleon. Harry has the master one; he has the one Galleon to rule them all, and he changes the dates – it doesn’t say how – around the edges, but then everybody else will see those numbers change, and it reflects the date and time of their next appointment. This is one of the coolest bits of magic that we see, I think, definitely in this book. But not only that, but it’s immediately praised by somebody else; Terry Boot, who I believe is a Ravenclaw, says, “That’s NEWT level magic,” and he’s really super impressed.

Andrew: Well, and weirdly, Hermione is immediately insecure about it; she thinks that people don’t actually want this, but they can’t believe that she came up with this at such a young age.

Micah: And not only that, she’s borrowing the idea from Voldemort, which makes it that much better at the end of the day. It’s their version of the Dark Mark. Little bit less permanent, right? A coin versus a tattoo of sorts.

Andrew: And you also feel J.K. Rowling really wanted us to feel bad for Ron in this chapter. Not only is he bullied horribly later in the chapter, but he brings up, I think twice, just how poor he is. He’s like, “Oh, I won’t confuse this with other Galleons, because I don’t have any other Galleons.”

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: “What is a Galleon?” And we’re just like, “Oh, that’s really sad.” Oh, and then the other moment was Ron getting excited that Hermione brought money to the meeting.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: “Woo, is this for me? Are we betting now who can defeat who?”

Micah: It’s a little odd because you have Ginny there as well; you have Fred and George there, and they don’t seem to be as hung up on the money aspect as Ron is.

Andrew: Is it because he gets bullied by Draco? Not just in this chapter, obviously, but earlier in the series. He’s just more insecure.

Laura: I think it boils down to a lot of Ron’s insecurities as… he’s the youngest Weasley brother. We know from Deathly Hallows that he has that insecurity about being a son of a mother who wanted a daughter. And I think that he really just questions his place in his family, in Hogwarts, in society, as a result of all of those insecurities, and I think that has a tendency to manifest itself in this, I mean, I guess social insecurity when it comes to money, right? He doesn’t… he’s really struggling to find his identity and find out what makes Ron Ron, and we see that in this chapter because he’s like, “Oh, well, I’m crap at Quidditch as well, so what do I have?”

Eric: Yeah, and if you go back to the Mirror of Erised in Book 1, it’s just really clever how well J.K. Rowling set up each of the trio and what their insecurities would be. But he sees himself being the best, and that’s just who he would be: “Oh, I’m Quidditch captain. I’m Head Boy.” This, that, the other thing. Ron desperately wants acclaim and glory, but I think there’s really a deep insecurity there.

Micah: It’s funny that you said the trio, because that made me wonder, have we ever thought about what Hermione would see in the mirror?

Eric: Oh, you’re right. She doesn’t actually get a look in it, does she? What would she see?

Micah: Lots of books.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: Herself as Minister, maybe.

Andrew: Oh, yeah.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: But before we jump into the nastiness of this chapter, I thought it was important to just call out how the chapter opens with Harry, because he’s feeling really good about what’s going on, obviously the success of Dumbledore’s Army. But the quote from the book is that he felt “as though he were carrying some kind of talisman inside his chest over the following two weeks,” and I thought that that was an interesting contrast to the actual bit of Voldemort’s soul he’s carrying around inside of him, so pretty intentional on the part of J.K. Rowling to throw this out there.

Eric: Yeah, definitely. And I’ve felt this before, too, when you’re openly defying authority, or not even openly, but when you know that you yourself are solving one of your own problems, there’s…

Micah: I love how you corrected yourself, Eric, because Andrew and I were going to use that in our argument later, the fact that you just said that Harry is in defiance of authority.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: No, but whenever you… as teenagers, I think a lot of us have challenged authority in the past, and if you succeed, you can’t help but feel like you’ve triumphed over the great snake or something, which reminds me of Greek mythology, which actually brings up… so Hermione – getting back to the coins real quickly – what she uses is called the Protean Charm, and this was last week’s Quizzitch answer as well. But I, because I love audiobooks so much, was just reading The Odyssey, and Proteus, for whom I’m assuming the Protean Charm is named, was the oldest son of Poseidon, who basically could tell the future. And Odysseus actually captures him to find out what his future is, but in order to get his prophecy, you need to capture him, and once you grab him, he changes his shape and changes his form a dozen times into a shark and a bear and all this stuff to basically evade capture and having to tell you your future. So the Protean Charm… Proteus could change his shape a lot, and so these coins will change indefinitely to whatever Harry sets them to. I thought it was a real cool reference to old mythology.

Micah: That is very cool.

Andrew: Yeah, good catch.

Eric: But speaking of change, we’re changing gears a little bit here to the Quidditch game and the Quidditch match that’s coming up. One of the best examples, I think, not only of change and skill at magic, comes from another DA member, Luna, who has designed a giant lion hat. We all remember this from this book as sticking out; it’s one of the top moments, the coolest things I think Luna has ever done. She really shows her support for Harry, Ron, Hermione, the Gryffindors, by breaking House minds as well in creating this.

Andrew: Included in the movie, thank goodness. But I don’t think Evanna Lynch made this one, right?

Eric: Right.

Andrew: She made the earrings for the movie, but I don’t think she made the hat. That’s a little more advanced.

Micah: She probably had some level of input on the hat as well.

Andrew: [laughs] Maybe.

Micah: Just knowing her and her passion for Luna and for the series.

Andrew: It’s only a matter of time before they start mass manufacturing that hat for purchase at Hot Topic or something.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: Yeah, that’s a good… Google that and see if there’s a replica anywhere that you can purchase.

Andrew: I don’t think there is.

Eric: I just remember seeing one… there was a fan who had made one at Lumos. Andrew, do you remember?

Andrew: I do remember that, yes.

Eric: There’s a picture of us, and it’s really, really amazing.

Andrew: Yeah. Imagine bringing that on a plane.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: “What are you doing?” “Going to a Harry Potter conference.”

Laura: Especially if it roars.

[Andrew laughs]

Micah: But yes, this is the ultimate representation of House unity and different Houses coming together. I think Luna is the one who really gets things going, and Dumbledore’s Army definitely helps in all this, right? I think it’s fair to say that for the most part, the other Houses would be aligned against Slytherin, no matter what. I feel like if Hufflepuff was playing Slytherin, or Ravenclaw was playing Slytherin, then the other Houses would want to see Slytherin defeated. But just Luna in this particular chapter, it is really cool to see her with this hat. The fact that she says that she wanted to put a snake in its mouth, but she didn’t have the time to do so.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: It just adds to it, in my opinion.

Laura: Yep.

Eric: Yeah, it’s really good support from Luna, and it’s useful because in this chapter, the Slytherins have really upped their game of intimidation, of really just antics that should not be tolerated. But under their Head of House, under Severus Snape – and actually, Harry mentions, too, McGonagall is letting them off homework so that they can do more practice – but really, everyone wants to see this fight happen, but the teachers are becoming lax because there’s all this taunting.

Micah: So this begs the question, though, is it just bad sportsmanship? Is it bullying? Is it just, hey, you have four groups that you are responsible for setting up every single year. You’ve segmented them, you’ve made them like this, and it’s a sporting match; of course there’s going to be different things said to different people, and there’s going to be a little bit of antagonizing the other team. Think about it; I’m sure we’ve all been to a sporting event, right?

Andrew: Right.

Micah: Some more intense than others. Even at school, right? We’ve probably been to something similar to this. You don’t think that the other team – the visiting team, let’s say – is open to being antagonized? Now, there’s obviously a line, but isn’t it all just in good fun?

Andrew: [laughs] No.

Eric: Well, to some extent, different people… [laughs] I think, isn’t it Draco imitating Ron dropping the Quaffle every time he sees him? We know that Ron is particularly susceptible. Harry actually has a wonderful retort about, what is it, Montague? “If Montague tries to throw next to me, I’d be more worried”? Harry, at least, has dealt with this kind of criticism before, the “Potter stinks” badges being the most recent ones that come to mind, but Ron and other members are less equipped to deal with it, and we just see it have such a negative effect on Ron throughout this chapter.

Andrew: And Draco isn’t doing this just for good fun. He’s doing this because he genuinely hates Ron. Yes, I think a line has been crossed, because I think this line in particular from the song, “Weasley was born in a bin”; he’s talking about the Weasley family being poor, and that’s vicious.

Eric: Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. By the time we get to the song, which… it really comes to a head, everything that Draco, I guess, at the forefront has been planning. To answer your question, Micah, it’s less about poor sportsmanship, and it is active bullying. I think it crosses a threshold pretty quickly.

Laura: I agree. I think that one-off instances like, for example, Draco taunting Ron in the corridors, pretending to drop a Quaffle, I think that’s one thing, but when we get into this coordinated effort to throw Ron off in the middle of a match, that’s just straight up a master level of coordinated bullying. And we’ll talk about this in connecting the threads, but I’m actually not shocked that this happens based on some of the things that happen in Prisoner of Azkaban.

Eric: [laughs] It was foretold, Laura.

Laura: Yes, it was.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: By Trelawney? Or by us?

Eric: We just should have checked the corresponding chapter before getting into this chapter, you guys, because there’s clear reference. [laughs]

Micah: I agree.

Andrew: What bothers me most about this is that the teachers and Madam Hooch are seemingly okay with this. So maybe they do agree with you, Micah; it’s all in good fun, but I think it does cross that line.

Eric: Well, that really raises the question, too: How did Snape downplay this attack on Alicia Spinnet? Because Miles Bletchley… she had to go to the hospital wing with that, and Snape either accompanied her to the hospital wing or he later told teachers in the staffroom that it was an accident, or he really just severely downplayed the part that his own House had to do with these attacks. It’s different if you have a verbal attack; you can say “Sticks and stones can break my bones,” but when you’re actually jinxing each other in the hallways, it’s gone way too far, and that’s how you know you’re part of a toxic culture.

Micah: I agree. I think that the line is crossed by Slytherin in this chapter, and the fact that Snape doesn’t do anything to try and rectify it makes him culpable. But I also think the rest of the staff, to the point Andrew made, are culpable as well, because they have the ability to step in and do something about it – the High Inquisitor has the ability to step in and do something about it – but they refuse to. They let it go on, and they let it get to a level. We know Ron is already nervous despite anything else, right? That’s just who he is, and he’s going to feel really, really nervous about taking on his first Quidditch match. And on top of that, it’s against Slytherin. We know they’re making fun of him; he’s got half the stands chanting things at him. I think there’s a line that the teachers need to step in and do something about it, and they don’t.

Eric: Here’s the question that I have, that I just thought of: Hermione even comes up to Harry and says, “Don’t let him see what’s on the badges,” because we haven’t quite made them out yet, and she knows that Ron’s weakness is his fortitude, is his self-image. Harry knows it. Hermione knows it. How did Slytherin learn it? What told Draco Malfoy, for instance, that if he were to get all the Slytherins together and write lyrics to a song and a chant that insult Weasley, that it would have such the desired effect that they want? Who told the Slytherins that Ron’s self-consciousness gets the better of him at Quidditch?

Andrew: I think they just know. They just know Ron is just that type of person. This hasn’t been a big secret. I mean, sometimes you can just tell by… remember, they’ve been in the same school for five years now, and you get that sense, and there’s been a lot of taunting before by Draco.

Eric: So it’s kind of like blood in the water?

Micah: And I’m sure word spread about his practicing and how bad he was during practice.

Laura: Yeah. Well, especially because Draco and Pansy Parkinson and all of these other Slytherins came to that first Gryffindor practice.

Eric: Oh, that’s right.

Andrew: Which should not have been allowed.

Laura: And they were taunting him there, yeah.

Eric: Okay. So they saw that their taunts had an effect, and then immediately were emboldened to do more of it.

Micah: But here’s my question, though: Draco, right? Draco sucks at Quidditch. He is not good at all. Yet he is piling on Ron, who’s in his first game, by the way, right? This is the first time he’s playing. How many years has Draco been playing? How many Snitches has he caught?

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: He just shadows Harry. He just shadows him! He’s a terrible Quidditch player! Throw some shit back in his face.

Andrew: But he’s got confidence.

Eric: Is that bullying, Micah? Or is that just poor sportsmanship?

Micah: Well, that’s going to be my next question, though, is if this was reversed, if somebody on Slytherin was being treated this way, how would we feel? We’d be okay with it.

Andrew: We probably would be, but that’s okay. We can be biased.

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Eric: Well, it’s not okay to insult someone’s class and blood status, and there are just things you can’t do. But you’ve got to kind of admire the brilliance or the harmony of it all in what Draco has accomplished in this chapter. Now, what happens after the match aside, the actual coordination of an entire, I want to say, Slytherin army… but all the Slytherins coming together, singing the song perfectly, achieving the desired result; it’s so insidious, but it strikes me as being something that would in the real world happen at a sporting event.

Micah: Agreed. Yeah, even high school sports, middle school sports… is it this extreme? Probably not, but I’m sure if you were to go, you would see signs. You would see parents yelling things. I don’t know if there’s a coordinated song against one of the opposing team players, but I’m sure it’s happened.

Eric: [laughs] Well, the pep band is meant to do the opposite, right? It’s meant to pep people up and be excited for sports. This is just…

Andrew: And drown out the taunts, maybe.

Eric: Yeah, what the Slytherins are doing is like an anti-pep band, basically. So moving on just a little bit, here are the actual lyrics of the Slytherin song, which I think it’s clever how J.K. Rowling writes it, because there’ll be two paragraphs of whatever Harry is doing, whatever’s happening at Quidditch, and then there will be two lines of the song in between the thing. It’s real cool. But it’s,

“Weasley cannot save a thing
He cannot block a single ring
That’s why Slytherins all sing
Weasley is our king

Weasley was born in a bin
He always lets the Quaffle in
Weasley will make sure we win
Weasley is our king”

Micah: Now, if you take out the “Weasley was born in a bin,” how bad is that song?

Eric: It’s a lot more innocuous.

Andrew: But still, I just don’t like this idea of students taunting other students together. Maybe if it was just Draco, or maybe him and a couple of others. But the way it’s written, it sounds like half the stadium is singing this thing.

Laura: I mean, have y’all ever seen a football match out of the UK?

Micah: Yeah.

Laura: This kind of thing is super common in those.

Eric: Really?

Andrew: Do you mean soccer? Or football football? American football?

Laura: Soccer.

Andrew: Okay, soccer. Got it.

Laura: Soccer to the Americans; football to everyone else.

Andrew: Got it.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Laura: It’s not uncommon for the fans of a team to come up with a song and goad the other team with it, so I wouldn’t be surprised if this was also common in Quidditch and if these students were just mirroring the behavior that they see in professional athletics.

Andrew: That’s true, but I still think the teachers should have stepped in. They know this is harmful to Ron.

Laura: Oh, I agree. We could have a whole bonus MuggleCast – probably more than one bonus MuggleCast – about all of the things that happen at Hogwarts that are just very questionable and wrong.

Andrew: Yeah, it’s an emotional nightmare.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: I like this idea of taking out that one sentence, Micah. I don’t know what you replace it with; like, “Ron has no…”

Andrew: Who is going to take out that sentence and replace it? They’re trying to hurt them.

Eric: But that is the offending sentence, though. That’s the offending line.

Andrew: Yes, but this is what happened.

Eric: Other than that, you just get a cool, twisted… it subverts expectations. When Harry first sees the badge, “Weasley Is Our King,” he’s like, “What is this nonsense?” Like, “Oh no, what are they going to do now?” Because you wouldn’t normally see your enemy pledging, “Hail the king. Hail the king. Weasley is our king.” It’s such an interesting backwards take on… but then when you get into the lyrics and listen to why, you’re like, “Oh, they’re saying it ironically.” So the match ends; Harry, at least, is able to save Gryffindor as a whole, or so he thinks for now, by catching the Snitch basically out of Draco’s fingers. They’re both diving for it. And that’s the other thing about Draco being a bad Quidditch player, like you were saying. He’s always just… it’s always just neck and neck with Harry, and he usually is being reactive where Harry is proactive.

Micah: Right. Harry is looking for the Snitch; Draco is just looking at Harry, yeah. I mean, if you’re still going to write that fanfic, there’s something there, Eric.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Micah: But before we go into the fight, just very quickly: Couldn’t they have given Ron something to block out the sound? Ron doesn’t need his ears to be able to play Quidditch; he just needs to see what’s going on.

Andrew: I think you do. And let’s pretend that he actually gets to mute everything that’s happening around him; he’s going to want to know what’s happening around him. He’s going to want to hear because he’s going to be worried that it’s going to get worse or something. That would just be a distraction. And who wants to be deaf during a match like this, when you’re playing?

Eric: Yeah. I think the perfect solution was either to mute Ron, or cover Ron’s ears, or we just learned the Silencio charm. [laughs]

Andrew: Well, why didn’t…? Or Hermione could have done what she did in, what, Book 1, and go burn some cloaks and set the place on fire…

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: … and then that would have stopped them from singing.

Eric: Yeah, just a little…

Andrew: Where was Hermione during all this?

Eric: What’s a little arson between enemies?

Andrew: Yeah, she’s done it before. It works.

[Laura laughs]

Micah: You know what? You’ve got three Houses against one here. Come up with something. Sing something, anything. It doesn’t matter what it is; you would drown out Slytherin easily.

Eric: That’s true. That’s true. But it just speaks to the cleverness, right? How sudden it is that nobody can think of something to do or what to do in the moment. Harry’s only recourse is to catch the Snitch fast, and so he does. But Crabbe shoots a Bludger at him, hits him in the small of the back. Have you guys…? The small of the back is where all the nerves meet, and…

Micah: That hurts like a you-know-what if you ever get hit there.

Eric: Have you ever been injured there, Micah?

Micah: Yeah. I mean, I’ve also gotten kicked during karate, like right in the kidneys…

Laura: Oof.

Micah: … and you have to gasp for air. But yeah, if you ever get hit in the small of the back…

Andrew: You did karate? I didn’t know that.

Micah: Yeah, man. Watch out.

Eric: Watch out. [laughs]

Andrew: I won’t mess with you.

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: You a black belt?

Micah: I made it to blue belt, so you’re fine.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Oh, okay.

Eric: Man, Micah knows karate. But it’s actually… I don’t think it’s a diversionary tactic, but it works out perfectly, because while Madam Hooch is over disciplining Crabbe or, I don’t know, slapping him on the wrist, whatever she does, that is when Draco’s verbal attacks on Harry and Ron and the Weasleys as a whole really pick up.

Andrew: Yeah, and it was sickening to watch, because they won. The game is over. Let it go now. But Draco has to make his way over there and continue taunting them while they are celebrating. That’s just disgusting.

Eric: All he has is his words, right? And Alicia or Angelina even says, “Talk about sour grapes.” You’re a poor sport by still going on about this, but it achieves… you almost wonder if somebody put Malfoy up to this, because in addition to being a bad athlete here and a poor sport, he is goading Harry and Fred and George beyond really the level of tolerance, talking about the smell of their house – where he’s never set foot, let’s be clear – but the smell coming from the fact that Harry’s mom was Muggle-born, and the fact that the Weasleys are poor. These are things that no one could reasonably tolerate past a certain point.

Andrew: I don’t think anyone put Draco up to it, but I think he may have been thinking that “If I taunt them enough, they are going to react, and then Umbridge is going to punish them somehow.” Maybe that’s it.

Eric and Laura: Yeah.

Eric: Because we know this fight gives Umbridge exactly what she’s looking for, essentially, and that’s why I wonder if she and Draco just had a conversation, or something like, “Hey…” because we’re just seeing Draco be more organized than I think, frankly, we ever see him in any of the books. He takes a whole year to do the whole Room of Requirement thing next book. But this still strikes me as being much more organized, getting everyone to learn the lines and sing the song and then attack and then basically get attacked, so that Harry can have a lifetime ban. That’s how you one-up your enemy, just with all this illegal, stupid crap.

Micah: Right. It goes past being a sore loser. It’s just unfortunate that there’s nobody there to hear what Draco is saying to Fred and George and Harry. It was interesting to me, though, that with the comments made about Molly and Arthur, Harry is able to keep his composure and he’s able to hold back George, but once something is said about Harry’s mother, that’s the moment when it shifts and he just loses it. And you can’t blame him; I mean, you’re talking about his family. I mean, the Weasleys are his family, but I just found it interesting that was the moment that the switch flipped, and he just goes completely bonkers on Draco.

Laura: Well, it’s really crossing a line there, because he’s taunting Harry about his dead mother.

Andrew and Micah: Yeah.

Eric: It’s just so beyond… it’s so far past the line, I think, that we’re meant to accept. But maybe Hogwarts just needs a meditation course to help people keep their emotions in check, because I don’t know in the end that the penalty that Harry faces is worth it. I think he may… he’s not sad he hit Malfoy, but I think he would have thought twice about it if he had known the end of the… what would happen very shortly after.

Micah: But it was the buildup, though, I think. It’s Molly, it’s Arthur, then it’s the Weasley family as a whole, and then it’s finally about Lily, and that’s just the breaking point. He can only take so much. He’s 15 too.

Eric: That’s a good point. He’s also 15. It’s just you can’t imagine there’s somebody as profane as Draco is who can exist and be allowed to taunt for this large extent. And it’s so maddening that Hooch is distracted by what Crabbe did; this whole time, she only looks over when they’ve physically fought and Harry punches Draco. We can’t really advocate for physical violence here on this show. He does do it, and Hooch comes over and sends them to their Heads of House.

Micah: Why are there not more officials? Why is it just Madam Hooch officiating the…? You think about other sporting events; there’s more than just one umpire or referee. Here it’s just Madam Hooch, and she’s not paying attention to what’s going on. And what happens after Quidditch matches, normally? Do you shake the other team’s hand? Is there some sort of cordial interaction, normally, between the Houses that actually respect each other?

Andrew: You would hope so, but this school sets them up to hate each other, so they don’t do that.

Eric: Yeah, and apparently all the teachers are watching. McGonagall did see what they did. Snape probably did, too, and Umbridge definitely did.

Andrew: And Umbridge’s punishment aside – which we’ll talk about in a second – I just don’t understand how Hooch and McGonagall can get so mad at Harry when there is this taunting happening across the Quidditch pitch. There should have been some acceptance of Harry’s attack in light of what was happening during that game. It’s as if the taunting wasn’t happening at all. They just don’t care.

Eric: Well, that’s it. Yeah, that’s just it. You’re getting… Draco’s taunts would be erased. If you were to take it to Snape, Snape would be like, “I was right there; Draco didn’t say anything.” You’re just covering up for and minimizing the heinous nature and extent of Draco’s comments, and saying… I think Umbridge even uses the Gryffindors’ short tempers against them, completely ignoring the fact that they were provoked, and it’s just… when you have a bold group of people who are unwilling to see truth and have authority, you’re in for a world of shit from what they’re able to do. So let’s get to the meeting. I think, to be fair – Andrew, to your question – why McGonagall is so angry at Harry; I think that’s to do with what this attack opens the door of, right? Because right when Umbridge comes in, she’s saying, “Do you have any idea what you’ve -?”, and then she gets interrupted. And I think what makes McGonagall upset is she knows that this fight will be the linchpin, will be the breaking point to allow Umbridge to do exactly what she does, which is to ban half the Quidditch team.

Andrew: And also, remember, McGonagall has been asking Harry to keep his temper in this book, and here he goes again, losing his temper.

Eric: Yeah, it’s kind of a thing with Harry.

Andrew: It’s justified, but it goes against what McGonagall has been asking him to do multiple times now.

Eric: Exactly. So first of all, when Umbridge comes in and is introducing the… I mean, there’s that little tension between her and McGonagall, and McGonagall is like, “Thankfully, my opinion matters more than yours,” and Umbridge is like, “Um, actually, no, it doesn’t,” and brings out this Educational Degree. Umbridge cites the incident whereby she did not want Gryffindor to be reinstated period. After banning all teams, groups, societies, and clubs, Umbridge was not willing to reinstate the Gryffindor Quidditch team as a whole, and although this was speculated about in the last chapter, this is confirmation that what happened was Umbridge said, “No,” McGonagall didn’t like that, went to Dumbledore, who then insisted that Gryffindor be reinstated. Now, recall our conversation on previous episodes where we all agreed, or seem to agree, that she has no standing to ban Gryffindors just for no reason.

Andrew: Not anymore.

Micah: Right, this gives her the reason, and unfortunately, it justifies what she wanted to do initially. It just proves her point.

Eric: [sighs] Yeah.

Micah: Regardless of what we know, right? Perception is reality, and for anybody watching in the stands, it looked like Harry beat the crap out of Draco. [laughs]

Eric: But it’s fake news, though.

Micah: It is, but that’s where you need more oversight, I think. And this is what’s frustrating as a reader, because you see McGonagall stripped of her power, essentially, but what about Dumbledore? Where is he? He could step in here and make everything good, I think, even with the decrees, because it’s his school at the end of the day. But he’s not there. He’s not doing anything.

Eric: Yeah, and even if he were there, I don’t know that he could do much about this new law that she’s passed. So Umbridge complained to Fudge, she went crying, she was like, “I have no more authority than a common teacher,” which… she’s speaking to the Deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts. Like, biz-natch, sit down.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: She’s like, “I would have no more authority than just a common teacher.” So Fudge gives her complete impunity oversight to not only impose sanctions, but to adjust other teachers’ punishments for students. It’s the lowest of the low. Educational Decree 25 is the worst one yet.

Micah: Now, if Umbridge was a rational professor, she would probably pose the question, “Why is it that three people who just won a Quidditch match would attack a member of the opposing team?” Doesn’t make any sense. They won. It’s not like they lost. They won.

Andrew: Right.

Micah: Why? Why do that? Oh, maybe because they were being antagonized.

Eric: Yes, exactly.

Micah: But Draco didn’t lift a finger; that’s the difference. If we want to talk about Crabbe, that’s a whole ‘nother ball game, but Draco didn’t lift a finger.

Eric: Yeah, and we know Crabbe gets lines or something, it’s later said.

Micah: Which is very hard for him, let’s be real.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: That’s just as bad as being banned from a Quidditch game.

Andrew: And interestingly, she calls this a lifetime ban, and I’m a little confused by this, because if you read the decree, it says, “The High Inquisitor will henceforth have supreme authority over all punishments, sanctions, and removal of privileges pertaining to the students of Hogwarts.” So why does she say this is a lifetime ban? Does anyone here believe this could genuinely be a lifetime ban? Assuming this all stayed in place. But what’s going on here? Because I don’t think it is a lifetime ban, based on the way this is written.

Micah: It’s a lifetime ban at Hogwarts, I think.

Laura: Yeah, that’s what I interpreted.

Andrew: What do you mean, though? There’s seven years at Hogwarts. That’s not a lifetime.

Eric: Harry’s got two years left. [laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, I don’t get why it’s called a lifetime ban.

Micah: For effect.

Andrew: And Harry is sweating over this, so that’s why I bring it up.

Micah: Yeah, it’s word choice. It’s saying, “For the duration that you’re at this school, you will not play Quidditch.”

Eric: But also, you could see that running up against Harry in the future if he ever wanted to be a pro at Quidditch. The Ministry… because Dolores has so much authority, there could be a barrier for Harry ever doing professional Quidditch as well.

Laura: Not to mention, she’s confiscated his broomstick.

Eric: Oh.

Laura: So he can’t even practice on his own if he wanted to.

Eric: God, I hate that.

Andrew: Right. Well, he’s got money. He can go buy a new broom, maybe.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: This just means more time for Dumbledore’s Army. This is actually a gift from Umbridge.

Andrew: Thank you, toad.

Eric: Wow, I can see you already prepping your debate stance.

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Laura: Yeah, seriously.

Eric: Wow.

Micah: But… all right, I’ll take a step back. I do think there is a bit of a racist moment on the part of Umbridge, though, with Fred, because she’s looking to punish the counterpart to George basically just because he looks like him, and guilt by association? I mean, what is that?

Eric: Yeah, none of this would hold up under actual law in an actual court, not if anybody competent or morally correct would be there to represent it. The fact… because George actually attacked Draco, gave him a bloody nose or something, but Fred, who was being held back, didn’t actually do anything. You can’t punish somebody for a crime they didn’t do. And you’re right, Micah, I think the way she says…

Micah: Well, you can. I mean, it generally happens a lot, and I don’t know if that’s a bit of the point that J.K. Rowling is trying to make.

Eric: Yeah. Fred just looked at him wrong. Looked like he would have done something.

Micah: Looked like George.

Laura: Well, I mean, to be fair, the only reason Fred didn’t participate was because he was being held back by the three Chasers.

Eric: Yeah, but what does that say about the Gryffindor Quidditch team as a whole? That other Gryffindors…

Micah: They’re strong.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: But I’m saying the other Gryffindors knew the seriousness of it all and held him back, which means they’re not all bad. So for Umbridge to have been, I guess, after the fact justified in trying to ban Gryffindor Quidditch to begin with, that’s false because at least half the Gryffindor team is really just able to ignore Draco and try and prevent this conflict.

Laura: See, now I feel like you’re prepping for the debate. [laughs]

Micah: Yeah, but it’s not their family, though, Eric. It’s not Alicia’s family or Katie’s family. It’s the Weasleys. And so even if they keep their cool, that’s one thing, but if it was about your family, how would you feel? You would want to get at Draco.

Eric: Well, to that point, I have sort of a wish fulfillment alternate reality here, which we just did for bonus MuggleCast over on Patreon, the Umbridge backstory on Potter-No-More, wherein it is revealed that her father was a janitor for the Ministry of Magic, and Umbridge, her mother was a Muggle. Her brother’s a squib. Her father was this janitor who she persuaded to retire early and later covered up her own father’s existence. If Harry had… in my heart of hearts, I hope that Harry could know this information somehow. All he would need to have said is, “Professor, I know we’ve had our disagreements, but Draco was saying that my mother’s house smelled because she was Muggle-born, that Ron’s family smells because they’re poor. Wasn’t your father a lowly janitor at the Ministry of Magic? How would you feel? Just a little bit of empathy. How would you feel, Umbridge, if what Draco had said, he was saying it about your father?”

Andrew: Well, A, she doesn’t have empathy, and B, I think she would just continue to push back on the fact that Harry punched him. That’s a whole different level to Umbridge.

Micah: Right.

Andrew: And the other teachers at Hogwarts. I mean, in fairness, McGonagall…

Micah: Also, Umbridge doesn’t like her father. [laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, McGonagall was pissed, too, at the punch. So I don’t think there’s any remedying the situation.

Micah: And I don’t think it was just one… it mentions that he went and gave him a… socked him right in the stomach, but after the fact, I think it was very clear that he basically beat the living crap out of him outside of just that one… I don’t think there was just one punch.

Andrew: Rowling says something along the lines of “Harry just didn’t even know what happened next.” I think he just… his head was on fire, so to speak, and he just started attacking without thinking.

Eric: It’s magic. They’ll heal it.

Micah: Maybe that was the Horcrux in him.

Andrew and Laura: Ooh.

Eric: I love that.

Laura: I really enjoy how McGonagall calls this “Muggle dueling.”

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Eric: Because it’s so savage-looking, but you’re just like, “Wizards are above that.”

Micah: She’s probably lucky, though, that it was Muggle dueling, because if Harry pulled out his wand, imagine what would have happened. It would have been nasty.

Eric: The real victim here, the real innocent victim here, is the Snitch because Harry caught it and he didn’t let it go the entire time he was punching Draco.

Micah: [laughs] Brass knuckles is what he used, basically. The Snitch clutched in his hand.

Eric: Man.

Andrew: Should have shoved that down Draco’s throat.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Let the Snitch attack from the inside, fly around in Draco’s stomach.

Micah: But speaking of McGonagall, I just wanted to throw in a bit of her backstory here. It got mentioned earlier in the discussion how she was all about not giving the Gryffindors homework, and there’s a reason for that, because McGonagall loves her some Quidditch. She was, “like her mother, a gifted Quidditch player, although a nasty fall in her final year (a foul during the Gryffindor versus Slytherin game) left her with a concussion, several broken ribs, and a lifelong desire to see Slytherin crushed on the Quidditch pitch. Though she gave up Quidditch upon leaving Hogwarts, the innately competitive McGonagall later took on a keen interest in the fortunes of her House team, and retained a keen eye for Quidditch talent.” So that’s a cool little bit on McGonagall.

Andrew: Yeah, and I think McGonagall is also just very proud of her students winning the cup before, and she wants to continue feeling that pride with that trophy in her office. I think that’s what she says to the team. So yeah, I think this is a great point that you bring up, Micah, and I also think that she’s just really proud.

Eric: But given her injuries, should she not have doubled down on that whole Crabbe thing? Because…

Micah: Oh, look, Crabbe should be banned. This is the injustice part of it, where there’s clearly not equal… I mean, Crabbe could have broken Harry’s back with that shot. The fact that he gets up and he’s okay is…

Eric: A miracle.

Micah: Lucky.

Eric: So as a final point to this chapter, I’ve kind of been, I don’t know, just feeling this way. I’ve read this chapter twice to prepare our discussion, but I couldn’t help but really feel some strong comparisons to the current American political situation. We have a US president that has been impeached by the House, acquitted in the Senate, and really just an ignorance of the whole fact of the matter, right? The arguments being made to defend Draco… or I’ll just say it, the GOP are sticking to their man in a way that is not wholly logical, just as what Draco did is being unpunished, and really Umbridge – or the GOP – is getting what she wanted to begin with. I drew a better comparison when I wrote it down, but the fact is I see a lot of comparison to just those in power being loyalist and not necessarily doing the whole justice thing.

Laura: Yeah, you know, I think that largely we can apply this to any situation in which there is a lack of justice perpetrated by whatever the ruling faction or ruling power is, and I think that this is something that we can see historical instances of, that we can compare to. And I think we’ve all had personal cases like this where maybe there was a little bit of extra context, like thinking about what Draco said to goad everybody on and how that was missing from the equation, right? So I think that it’s something that we’ve all definitely at least had secondhand experience with witnessing. I think that you could even draw parallels to our criminal justice system, where there is a supreme lack of justice when you look at the way that different groups of people tend to be punished differently based on committing the same crimes as perhaps another group of people that is more socially elevated, if you will.

Eric: It just seems like Draco is untouchable, that nothing he does, no matter how low he stoops, can possibly be punished by Umbridge, who has the real authority over everyone at Hogwarts now as of this decree.

Micah: Well, but he could be; it’s just that they’re not actually taking the steps to investigate and to appropriately punish him for antagonizing Harry and creating that whole situation in the first place. And if you want to take Draco out of it completely, though, what about Crabbe? I mean, he should have been given the same punishment as Harry and George. There’s no reason for it, and that’s where, like what Laura was mentioning, the discrepancy, right? It’s very, very clear that there should be equal punishment here for the actions that were taken, but there isn’t. Harry gets it worse.

Eric: Not only does Umbridge not prosecute Draco or Crabbe, but we find out she actually promotes them to the Inquisitorial Squad later, so she’s actively rewarding their completely unconscionable behavior.

Micah: Totally.

Eric: And that speaks to her sinister nature.

Micah: But Harry is giving her every opportunity to do it.

Eric: By being naive?

Micah: No, he attacked Draco. Say what you want; at the end of the day, he still physically assaulted another student. It’s got to be punished in some capacity. Now, whether or not there’s appropriate oversight by somebody like Dumbledore… again, where is Dumbledore? He’s still in charge of the school. Don’t leave it up to Umbridge to make the call. You make the call. You’re the boss man.

Eric: He’s on an ignoring Harry kick.

Micah: Where is he? In the Room of Requirement?

Eric: [laughs] Does he know about that? Let’s move on to our Umbridge Suck count then.

Andrew: Well, and to wrap up the chapter, Hagrid’s back. That’s the little bright spot at the end of the chapter.

Eric: Oh yeah, by the way, Hagrid’s back. Yay! [laughs]

Micah: Well, and Ron is completely distraught, by the way, at the end of the chapter. I mean, the dude was walking outside in the rain while everything else was going on. I mean, he looks terrible.

Andrew: Yeah, and “I’m leaving the Quidditch team. It’s all over. I can’t take this anymore. Goodbye.” But Hagrid’s back, and next chapter it’s a big ol’ story from a big ol’ half-giant.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: I actually read ahead, and wow, he shares a lot, for sure. I actually listened to “Hagrid’s Tale” and this past chapter, Chapter 19, Jim Dale’s version of the story, and it’s a good one actually to listen to, because he sings the song “Weasley Is Our King,” so that’s entertaining. Yeah, so the Umbridge Suck count previously stood at 35. We have a few here this chapter; obviously, she’s pretty prominent in this chapter. One for not taking no for an answer about teachers overruling her, so she has to come in with this Educational Decree.

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Andrew: There was the lifetime ban on Harry and George. I mean, that’s extremely rough, and I still don’t understand why it’s a lifetime ban, but okay. [laughs]

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Andrew: What else?

Eric: I definitely wrote writing to Fudge, convincing him that 25 needs to exist. Because here’s something: It’s a little bit short-sighted of Umbridge to realize that this is now going to be school law. This is going to be… it’s going to forever change… it’s like changing the Constitution. You’re going to forever change how these things are interpreted, all because you have a problem, a student that you individually want to punish. You’re going to create an entire constitutional law to punish one person you don’t like.

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Andrew: Banning Fred for not doing anything. Micah brought up that point. Was not pleased.

Eric: Yep, yep.

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Eric: So that’s four. And the final one is at the end of her discussion, she says to McGonagall something like, “You’ll be happy, and… but don’t worry; I’m not unreasonable. The remaining Quidditch members can still play, the remaining Gryffindor Quidditch…”

Andrew: Who didn’t do anything wrong. [laughs]

Eric: Yeah, yeah.

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]


Debate


Andrew: Okay, so now we wanted to have a little debate about Umbridge’s whole punishment, right, Micah?

Micah: Yeah, we used to debate way back in the day, hosted by our co-host Ben; he used to lead these segments. But I thought, why not? This is a great opportunity to debate Umbridge’s punishment for Harry and for George specifically. So the way that we’re going to do it is, Andrew, you and I will present the argument that Umbridge was fully justified in her punishment. Laura and Eric, you will argue that she overstepped her authority and has no basis for handing down this type of punishment. And I thought to make it fun, patrons who are listening live, you can decide the winner. You make the call. So as good or not good as our arguments are, it’s all up to you. You make it. I think we can do a little bit of rebuttal back and forth maybe, but we’ll start by presenting our arguments and then take it from there.

Andrew: Sure.

Micah: How does that sound?

Andrew: I can start on behalf of Micah and myself. And Micah, feel free to come in after I present my correct stances.

Micah: Yeah, sounds good.

Andrew: So first of all, words are just words; they come and go. But a punch to the gut can last forever. By punching Draco, Harry, he risked permanent damage to another Hogwarts student. That’s not right, and J.K. Rowling has taught us that violence is not the answer. Harry is ignoring that lesson by being vicious to Draco, and by letting Harry go for this attack, J.K. Rowling would be teaching us that it is okay to physically harm another student over their use of words, and that would have been wrong as well. And I acknowledge that the comments Draco and the song by Draco were bad, but it doesn’t mean you get a free pass to punch somebody. And Harry has been told repeatedly throughout this book to control his temper, as I brought up earlier, but he has continued to ignore that warning, so he deserves this punishment from Umbridge, and maybe now he will learn.

Micah: Right. Yeah, Andrew, I really could not agree more with you, I think.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: You brought up the fact that Harry physically assaults Draco. He doesn’t… he can’t… come on, Harry, come up with some words to throw back in his face. The fact that he goes after him… he uses the Snitch in his hand like brass knuckles, pummeling this poor child in the stomach and other parts of his body. He’s using the Snitch as a weapon. And this is just a bad example for all the other students that are in attendance; think of all the young students that are watching this unfold. And he clearly knew better, because he initially restrained George, right? He’s holding him back, so he knows what’s right and what’s wrong, but yet he goes ahead and does it anyway. And Umbridge is in the right here because it just shows Dumbledore lacks control. We talk about it all the time; Hogwarts is a security nightmare.

Andrew: Security nightmare.

Micah: Dumbledore lacks control. You’ve got kids fighting each other on the Quidditch pitch, what’s supposed to be a nice sporting event. I mean, Dumbledore, put some more officials down there. And Quidditch is a privilege, by the way, okay?

[Eric laughs]

Micah: You’re representing your House. Is this what Gryffindor stands for? So clearly, Umbridge was correct in her initial stance of not wanting to reform Gryffindor, because look at what happens.

Eric and Laura: Wow.

Laura: You took that a step further, even. All right. Well, Eric and I can go ahead and deliver our opening statements, and then we can do some back and forth. I just wanted to say first, Andrew and Micah, I really appreciated some of the points that you brought up during the show. I think that they bolster the argument that really this was an example of Umbridge overstepping her authority.

Andrew: No, you misheard.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: Oh, I see.

Micah: You have to let her speak.

Andrew: I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Laura: Yeah, I was pretty sure that I heard allusions to the idea of Umbridge really using this new Educational Decree in order to further her personal political agenda at the school to target one particular student. Anytime that you’re applying a set of rules, or even a set of laws, they can’t just be for one person. That’s not effective. Furthermore, this is a clear example of prejudice on the part of Umbridge, again, part of her own personal agenda, to make sure that the Ministry remains on a pedestal and that nobody at Hogwarts dares to see themselves as equals to the Ministry. The other thing that I would say here is that if the concern is violence, then where was all of this punishment in Prisoner of Azkaban Chapter 15, when the Slytherin team was incredibly violent towards the Gryffindor team? We’ll provide examples later when we do connecting the threads, but we’re talking about Slytherins hitting Gryffindor players with their clubs. We’re talking about them grabbing Gryffindor players by the head and knocking them off their broom. It’s brutal, and it just goes to show that Hogwarts does not know how to deal with inter-student conflicts very well. So rather than saying, “Okay, five years into one student’s career, we’re going to drop the hammer in the most severe way possible in order to counter this issue,” what Hogwarts needs to do is they need to burn their whole punishment system to the ground and rebuild it, because again, trying to apply a very severe consequence that only applies to one group of particular students is not an effective way to see behavioral changes amongst your student population. With that, I’ll turn it over to you, Eric.

Eric: Umbridge’s glee at delivering the news confirms her personal bias on this matter. She is trying to meddle with a lifetime ban, meddling in something that should only affect these guys for the remainder of their Hogwarts years, one year or two years. Instilling a lifetime ban is a blatant overreach of power. It really tips Umbridge’s hand at what her end game is, which is Ministry dominance, as Laura so eloquently pointed out. And the lack of punishment for Crabbe, the lack of suitable or similar punishment for someone who very… if we’re going to play up the injuries to Draco and say, “Oh, he could have permanently damaged this kid,” a Bludger to the small of the back that Harry felt, I would argue, is as serious, if not more so, based solely on human beings’ weak spots and the location of the blows. This is a school with magic, so I don’t think that ultimately, either Harry or Draco have permanent damage, not like the writing that Umbridge herself makes Harry do on his hand. Umbridge’s concern for the wellbeing of Draco’s physical state, or punishing Harry and George for harming Draco, is so hypocritical, given her own past use of punishment and corporal law on Harry and his injuries, scars that we know he carries for 20 years in advance. So there’s nothing behind Umbridge except this blatant overuse of the law, incredible hypocrisy, and frankly, it’s just simply bias on the part of Umbridge, and she’s overstepping her authority.

Micah: She’s not overstepping her authority. I mean, she’s the Senior Undersecretary to the Minister. She’s the High Inquisitor of Hogwarts. She has the full authority.

Eric: Well, she had to go and get that.

Micah: No, she’s already the High Inquisitor. She has the authority of the Ministry. And you know, if we’re going to talk about Prisoner of Azkaban, right? And all the fighting that went on, that’s just further proof that you need somebody like Umbridge at the school.

Andrew: Exactly.

Micah: It’s a security nightmare, Hogwarts.

Laura: I would agree with you if she was applying the punishment equally across all guilty parties, but she’s not.

Micah: No, that’s a fair point. I think… we can talk about Crabbe, but this particular argument is focused on Harry and George. I don’t disagree with you. I think Crabbe should have received the same punishment.

Eric: But then Umbridge wasn’t fully justified in her punishment of Harry and George if she didn’t also…

Micah: No, she was. They were physical.

Eric: No, but she wasn’t if she didn’t also apply it to Crabbe. That’s what we’re arguing, right?

Micah: But we’re not talking about Crabbe. We’re talking about Harry and George.

Andrew: Yeah, we’re just saying was Harry’s punishment justified, and yes, it was.

Eric: Well, you can’t…

Laura: Well, and we’re also talking about… I think when we’re talking about whether or not she had the authority to do this, I think her intention really counts, and again, as we’ve already established, her intention here is not actually to do the right thing. If Umbridge was somebody who cared about doing the right thing, she wouldn’t be forcing students to slice open the backs of their hands during detention. She wouldn’t be denying the fact that Voldemort has returned in order to prop herself up with the Minister of Magic, right? So we can take that off the table. Umbridge doesn’t care about doing the right thing. She cares about doing the right thing for her personal political agenda, and that’s what this is.

Eric: And she sent the Dementors to Little Whinging and that was outside the law. She is a woman who is clearly willing to break the law in order to achieve her political ends. The fact what I was saying about her…

Micah: Well, we can talk about putting her on trial for things too, but that’s not what this debate is about.

Eric: But it is because we’re talking about…

Micah: It’s about her punishment of Harry. Harry acted in a way that was completely inappropriate in front of hundreds if not thousands of other students. He’s supposed to be a role model. He’s supposed to be a fifth year at this point. That’s no way for him to behave. And honestly, his track record… if we want to talk about outside of this argument, his track record does not speak well for him in terms of defying authority, so you know what? He gets what he deserves here.

Andrew: Yeah. Micah, Laura and Eric have to keep digging elsewhere, because they have no argument. I mean, they’re just desperate.

[Micah laughs]

Eric: Bolstering our argument about Umbridge as a person, yes.

Andrew: No, this is really desperate. I just…

Eric: She had to seek more authority from the Minister himself because she just didn’t have it to begin with, and he’s enabling her to punish and exclude individual people over others because he’s a bad Minister.

Micah: Again, we could debate…

Laura: And furthermore, I mean, we have to point out that she actually didn’t have the authority to do this until she convinced Fudge that she needed Educational Decree number 25.

Eric: That’s what I’m saying.

Laura: So she did that exactly because McGonagall and Dumbledore stopped her from being prejudiced against the Gryffindor team before anyone on the Gryffindor team had even done anything worth punishing.

Eric: She’s inventing new laws because the old laws didn’t let her personally punish somebody illegally. It’s an open and shut case, frankly.

Micah: Oh, so students should just go around punching each other without any punishment.

Andrew: Yeah, that’s what they’re saying. Go ahead, punch away. You hear that, listeners? Younger listeners, go and punch some people.

[Micah laughs]

Eric: Yeah, Reparo.

Laura: No, no, so nobody here is saying that there shouldn’t be a punishment for participating in that kind of behavior, but what we’re saying is that the punishment that is given here is rooted in Umbridge’s prejudice towards the Gryffindor team.

Eric: Yep.

Micah: I mean, look, it’s justified.

Andrew: If she didn’t have any prejudice, you don’t think she still would have thought that Harry deserved to be punished?

Micah: This woman is so smart that she had the foresight to see that reforming the Gryffindor Quidditch team was a problem, and she was right.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: It’s an excellent point. Yep, she saw this coming.

Eric: It’s only a problem because Slytherins decide to make it a problem.

Micah: All right, let’s wrap it up. That was a lot of fun.

[Andrew and Micah laugh]

Andrew: Obviously, Micah and I had an uphill battle. [laughs]

Micah: Good arguments across the board.

Andrew: And the listeners agree that Laura and Eric won the debate, so good job, you two.

Laura: Oh, thank you. You know what? I was kind of disappointed, because I like arguing from the hard side of a debate.

Micah: [laughs] Next time.

Andrew: Yeah, well, you can…

Laura: I will take it next time.

Eric: I was so scared that people would give it to you guys, actually. [laughs]

Andrew: Well, we did have some great points.

Eric: You had some great… yeah, you had some… well, just by saying that we were reaching and going elsewhere for examples was…

Andrew: [laughs] I’m just teasing you guys.

Eric: Ugh.

Andrew: Okay.

Laura: Eric, I could feel you. I could feel your tension rising.

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, Eric’s blood was boiling.

Eric: I was starting to panic, honestly.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: It’s going to be a fun one to edit.

Micah: It just goes to show you, you can spin anything.

Laura: You really, really can.


Connecting the Threads


Laura: Well, speaking of this whole Gryffindor versus Slytherin conflict in Quidditch, there were a lot of threads that we could connect between Chapter 19 of Order of the Phoenix and then Prisoner of Azkaban Chapter 15, wherein Gryffindor and Slytherin are playing in their Quidditch final to determine who wins the Quidditch Cup that year. So we can start with the theme of cheating. So in Prisoner of Azkaban Chapter 15, Harry notes that “He couldn’t walk to class without Slytherins sticking out their legs and trying to trip him up; Crabbe and Goyle kept popping up wherever he went, and slouching away looking disappointed when they saw him surrounded by people.” Then we see this contrasted in Order of the Phoenix Chapter 19, where it says, “Ron had never endured a relentless campaign of insults, jeers, and intimidation. When Slytherins, considerably larger than he was, muttered as they passed in the corridors, ‘Got your bed booked in the hospital wing, Weasley?’ he did not laugh, but turned a delicate shade of green.” So we see here this early bullying, early intimidation of the Gryffindor team on the part of Slytherins who are trying to throw them off their game.

Micah: He should have been like, “Yeah, I do, right next to yours.”

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Micah: “My bed is booked. Come join me.” I don’t know.

Laura: Yeah. But as we can see, Ron is not really quick with the retorts like Harry is. So we also see in Prisoner of Azkaban Chapter 15, that “Angelina was nearly thrown from her broom as Marcus Flint went smashing into her,” and immediately after this point in Prisoner of Azkaban, the Gryffindors all start booing because it’s clearly intentional, and Marcus Flint starts going, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t see her. Sorry, sorry.” This is also a chapter in which Madam Hooch gives so many penalty shots to the Gryffindor team because of the amount of violence that’s coming from the Slytherin team.

Micah: Madam Hooch needs a counterpart. She needs a second or third official, really.

Eric: Yeah, I would agree with that.

Laura: Then we also see in Chapter 15 of Prisoner of Azkaban, “Montague had swerved in front of Katie, and instead of seizing the Quaffle had grabbed her head.” He also tried to make it seem like this was an accident.

[Eric grumbles]

Laura: And really what I thought was very interesting here was that the Slytherins really shy away from the physical violence in this chapter of Order of the Phoenix in Chapter 19, I think, because they learned their lesson the last time they did this and realized all they’re earning themselves is a bunch of penalty shots from the Gryffindors. So really, they’re like, “Hey, Hogwarts doesn’t really know how to deal with emotional bullying, so let’s go ahead and do that this chapter,” and it’s really effective.

Eric and Micah: Yep.

Laura: Then I thought there was a really interesting little thread that we could connect in terms of etiquette. So in Prisoner of Azkaban Chapter 15, it says, “Flint and Wood approached each other and grasped each other’s hands very tightly; it looked as though each was trying to break the other’s fingers.” Then, in Order of the Phoenix Chapter 19, it says, “Harry could tell that Montague was trying to crush Angelina’s fingers, though she did not wince.”

Eric: Nice.

Laura: There are so many great moments in these chapters that use almost the same exact descriptors. It’s crazy.

Andrew: Did you do a Google search for “fingers” in Prisoner of Azkaban to try and find some matches?

Laura: No, I just read the chapter.

Andrew: Oh, interesting.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: It’s called research.

Laura: Anytime we do this…

Andrew: I’m just kidding.

Laura: Yeah, I actually go back through Prisoner of Azkaban and reread chapters that I think correspond.

Andrew: Nice. I love it.

Laura: And then there’s a really similar situation with where the Snitch is spotted. So in Order of the Phoenix Chapter 19, we’ll all remember that Harry saw the Golden Snitch “hovering feet from the ground at the Slytherin end of the pitch.” In Prisoner of Azkaban Chapter 15, Harry saw it “shimmering at the foot of one of the Gryffindor goal posts.”

Andrew: Oooh.

Laura: So we see a little bit of a flip in terms of which goal post it’s by, but in both chapters it’s in a very similar location, and then Harry and Draco’s subsequent dive to race for the Snitch is also written very similarly.

Eric: J.K. Rowling is just copy and pasting her Gryffindor Quidditch matches.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: There’s also a… it’s almost very reminiscent, at least after Harry catches the Snitch, of… the fact that he forgets that it’s in his hand until much later on in the chapter, it’s like… I don’t know, it reminded me a bit of James, too, and isn’t he playing with the Snitch during a chapter of Prisoner of Azkaban? Don’t we get a mention of that? Or am I thinking about something later on, when Harry is doing Occlumency? I don’t know. It’s just… it was very James to me.

Laura: Yeah, no, I mean, Harry definitely brings the Snitch back to the Gryffindor common room and it is fluttering around in Chapter 15 of Prisoner of Azkaban. Or rather, sorry, Chapter 19 of Order of the Phoenix. Flip those. And then finally, Hagrid actually gets a shout-out at the end of each of these Quidditch chapters. Yeah, so at the end of Prisoner of Azkaban Chapter 15 when the Gryffindors win the House Cup, Hagrid is not mentioned at all in this chapter, but all of a sudden he’s one of the people flooding on to the pitch to be like, “Yeh did it, Harry.”

[Eric laughs]

Laura: And then at the end of Chapter 19 of Order of the Phoenix, we of course get that wonderful moment where Hermione observes that Hagrid is back after a long absence.

Andrew and Eric: [imitating Fudge] “He’s back!”

[Eric laughs]


MVP of the Week


Andrew: All right, time now for MVP of the Week.

Eric: Oh, yeah.

Andrew: Much shorter. No time to get everybody all excited.

[MVP of the Week music plays]

Andrew: I’m going to give mine to McGonagall for standing up to the toad.

Eric: Nice. I’ve given mine to Luna for that hat.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: You know the one.

Micah: Giving it to Hagrid for being back.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: What?

Micah: Well, I mean, it’s the only good thing that happened in this chapter.

Andrew: Thanks, Hagrid, for being back.

Laura: I’m giving mine to Harry for protecting Ron’s dignity. He keeps him from seeing those “Weasley Is Our King” badges, and he also rushes to catch the Snitch so that Ron’s missed goals don’t cost Gryffindor the match.

Eric: Nice.


Rename the Chapter


Andrew: All right, and now let’s rename the chapter. Order of the Phoenix Chapter 19, “Weasley Gets Mad Stinged.”

Eric: [laughs] I went with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 19, “Toad on Top.”

Andrew: [to the tune of “Love on Top”] “Toed on top.” By BeyoncĂ©.

Eric: Toad on top.

Micah: I went with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 19, “Quidditch [censored].” It’s a play on Quidditch pitch. You get it?

Andrew and Eric: Ohhh.

Laura: Yep. [laughs]

Micah: Umbridge is a… yeah, all right.

Laura: And I went with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 19, “Yo Mama.”

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: Yeah, J.K. Rowling was really ahead of her time with the “Yo Mama” jokes.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: She started that whole thing. If you have any feedback about today’s discussion, send it on in – MuggleCast@gmail.com – or send a voice memo to that same email address. Just try to keep your message about a minute long and record in a quiet place, please. We also have the contact form on MuggleCast.com where you can write to us. We love getting feedback from everybody, so thank you so much for sending it in.

Micah: So just really quickly, what would be the Draco version of this? Was it like, “Yo Mama so Muggle…”?

Andrew and Laura: Yeah.

Andrew: That’d be a good one.

Laura: I mean, it sounds like it would be like, “Yo Mama so Muggle,” or “Yo Mama so poor.”

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: “Yo Mama so Muggle, she sweeps herself. Ohhh!”

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Oh my God.

Andrew: “Yo Mama so Muggle, she cooks! Oh!” I don’t know if those work as well. We’ll have to work on those.


Quizzitch


Andrew: Time for Quizzitch.

[Quizzitch music plays]

Eric: Last week’s question: What does Hermione use to bewitch the golden coins for the DA members? The answer, of course, being the Protean Charm. Winners include Anne Smith, Reese Without Her Spoon, Samwise Potter, Skywalker, Caleb McReynolds, Sara a.k.a. Weensie, Krista, Tara, Marie, Breanna, Pranvi, Issy, Robbie, Patches, Hallow, Stacy, Deborah, Alex, Dispatches from Elsewhere, Cat’s Pajamas, Julian S., and Jason King. We’re back, baby. More people are participating in Quizzitch than ever before.

Micah: Nice.

Eric: Really happy about it.

Andrew: It’s the music.

Eric: Yeah, I think so too. Next week’s question: Where did Hagrid have a disagreement with a vampire? This comes from the next chapter, “Hagrid’s Tale.” Submit your answer to us over on Twitter at @MuggleCast, hashtag Quizzitch.

Andrew: I want to know more about the vampires in the wizarding world.

Eric: Me too.

Andrew: Maybe we can talk about that more next week. Before we wrap up today’s episode, just want to say thank you to everybody who supports us on Patreon. We really appreciate your support, and if you’re not already a patron, we would love if you supported us. It is because of our Patreon that we are a weekly podcast. And to thank you for supporting us, we give you lots of benefits back. One of the coolest benefits, I think, is that you can tune into our livestreams. Each week as we record, you can tune in and hear every single moment as it is recorded. You’ll hear some stuff that probably won’t make the final version of the show. And speaking of that final version, you do get it early as a patron; we tend to release it sometime Monday, as soon as we get the show finished, and then everybody else gets it on Tuesday. And then, of course, every year we send out a new physical gift to everybody who has pledged at the Dumbledore’s Army level or higher, and this year’s gift will be announced in the weeks ahead, so stay tuned for that. Again, Patreon.com/MuggleCast. Oh, and here’s a fun new benefit: We now record a personalized video “Thank you” message for you after you pledge, so within a few days after you pledge, you will be getting a message from one of us, and it’s been so fun to do that. It’s been a really cool way to connect to each listener individually. Also, please do follow us on social media. We are MuggleCast on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. And with that, thank you, everybody for listening. I’m Andrew.

Eric: I’m Eric.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: And I’m Laura. See ya.

Micah: Bye.

Andrew: Bye, everybody.

Transcript #454

Transcript for MuggleCast Episode #454, Drinky Winky (OOTP 18, Dumbledore’s Army)


Show Intro


[Show music plays]

Andrew Sims: Welcome to MuggleCast, your weekly ride into the wizarding world. I’m Andrew.

Eric Scull: I’m Eric.

Micah Tannenbaum: I’m Micah.

Laura Tee: I’m Laura.

Andrew: And we’re joined by one of our Slug Club patrons this week, Grace. Hi, Grace. Welcome to the show.

Grace: Thanks, super excited to be here.

Andrew: Yeah, good to have you. You’re wearing your Voldemort Day shirt…

Grace: That’s right.

Andrew: … which, I don’t know if we should allow that. That’s very dark.

Grace: For Voldemort and Valor.

Andrew: Whoa, whoa! Don’t say it!

Eric: Wow. Whoa.

[Grace laughs]

Andrew: Chills. Thanks for supporting us on Patreon. Let’s get your fandom ID.

Grace: So my favorite book is Goblet of Fire. My favorite movie is probably Deathly Hallows – Part 2, just because I saw it at LeakyCon in 2011 so it’s a great memory. My Hogwarts House is Slytherin, if you couldn’t tell from the Voldemort Day shirt.

[Andrew laughs]

Grace: My Ilvermorny House is Horned Serpent, so snake, snakes. And then ironically, my Patronus is a lioness, so bummer. And then the last question this week about my favorite room or area of Hogwarts kind of threw me, because obviously, after the chapter we’re talking about today, you want to say Room of Requirement. But after I thought about it, I think one of the coolest places in Hogwarts is actually Dumbledore’s office.

Andrew: Ohh.

Grace: I really love the design of that space and also the stuff in it. I feel like you could be in there forever. So yeah, I’m going to go with Dumbledore’s office on that one.

Andrew: It’s so cozy. And of course, you just want to hang out with Dumbledore in there.

Grace: Yeah, yeah.

Andrew: Have some mead. Knit some socks.

Grace: All the old headmasters and everything. Crazy.

Andrew: Yeah, yeah. That’s cool. Well, great. Welcome to the show. And like you mentioned, we are discussing Order of the Phoenix Chapter 18 today, “Dumbledore’s Army,” and we’ll get to that in a little bit, but we’ve got some news to talk about. First of all, Cormoran Strike Book 5 is titled Troubled Blood, and it will be released September 29, 2020. J.K. Rowling recently said that she had finished the book, so we were expecting it this year, and yeah, coming out this fall now. So now I definitely need to finish reading Lethal White. I’m up against the clock, officially.

Eric: It seems like, based on the title, that Strike will be confronting some of his relations, some of his blood relations.

Andrew: Oh, okay.

Eric: That’s kind of what I get from it.

Andrew: Yeah, there used to be a time on the show where we would analyze titles of J.K. Rowling books, so…

[Andrew and Grace laugh]

Micah: Not anymore, though.

Andrew: Yeah. I just think of the Taylor Swift song “Bad Blood” every time I look at that title.

Laura: That’s what I thought of too. [laughs]

Grace: Definitely her inspiration.

Andrew: [singing] “Now we got troubled blood.” Anyway, so yeah, we’re all looking forward to that. We’re all in agreement here that these books are really, really good. Lethal White was dense, so that’s why I had tuned out and not finished it, but I’m looking forward to this, and I’m really glad J.K. Rowling is keeping up this series.

Micah: I think there’s a chance for a double meaning, though, here too, not just related to Strike, but I’m sure if there’s a case that he’s working, that it’s possible that there could be some troubled blood between the family members.

Laura: Oooh.

Andrew: Yeah, or maybe there is trouble with the blood!

Eric: Yeah, yeah. Maybe it’s got a biological agent or something in it.

Andrew: Right.

Micah: Maybe “Blood” is a person.

Andrew: Whoa.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Maybe “Troubled” is a person. Whoa.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Micah: But it’s interesting, though, because we don’t know much about Strike’s family, I don’t think. I mean, we know about his father a little bit, but I guess we’re going to learn a lot more.

Andrew: You know, each of these words ends with the letter D, and Dan Radcliffe starts with D, so I think this confirms Dan Radcliffe is in the plot of Troubled Blood.

Eric: Definitely.

Laura: I didn’t know we brought back crackpot theory.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: That is not a crackpot theory. That is a good theory.

Laura: Okay. [laughs]

Micah: Well…

Andrew: Speaking of… go ahead.

Micah: I was going to say, speaking of crackpot theories, Cursed Child is opening in Japan.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: I was going to say, speaking of expansion, yeah, Cursed Child is opening in Japan. This is going to be the seventh production by the time it opens in summer 2022. This will be the first production in Asia, so pretty cool; nice to see it expanding. I don’t think any of us are ever going to get over to Japan to see it. I mean, we can’t even get Laura to New York to see it.

[Grace laughs]

Laura: Yeah, not going to happen.

Andrew: Have you seen it, Grace?

Grace: Yeah, I actually flew to New York over the summer. It was my graduation from graduate school present to myself.

Andrew: That’s fantastic. Of course you did, because you’re wearing the shirt.

Grace: Yeah, I went and saw it over the summer. I wish I could have seen it with the original cast, but it was interesting. [laughs]

Andrew: Interesting. Oh, did you not love it?

Grace: I did – well, I read the book, of course, the script book, but the illusions in that show were worth every penny to fly up there. The stuff that they do in the theater is incredible.

Andrew: Right, right. Yeah, the illusions are crazy. They make you believe that Voldemort had a child.

[Grace and Laura laugh]

Andrew: One other little piece of news to mention: Fantastic Beasts 3 is going to start filming any day now. Callum Turner, who plays Theseus Scamander in the series, he said while he hasn’t seen the script and he has no idea about the extent of his involvement, they were going to start filming in about six weeks, and he said this back in mid-January, so that would put this timeline at right around now, late February. So we’ll see if Warner Bros. makes an announcement; presumably they will once they’re in production, because people would like to see that, including their investors, that they’re actually filming this finally. So hopefully we’ll get some more information about the film in the weeks ahead. Maybe they’ll even rev the fandom up and give us a title. Who knows?

Micah: No.

Andrew: [laughs] That’s all I want.

Micah: But just to add to that, I know on the last episode, which was a couple weeks ago, we had talked about the new illustrated edition of Sorcerer’s Stone done by MinaLima. And we reached out to them, and we will probably have them on the show closer to when the book is released. But one thing that I did get a piece of information, I guess from their publicist, is that they can’t do it now because they are working on Fantastic Beasts 3.

Eric: There you go.

Micah: So a nice tie-in to your story here, Andrew.

Andrew: Yeah. Aren’t we more important than Fantastic Beasts 3? Can’t they cut some time out for us?

[Grace laughs]

Micah: After the last movie, I don’t know, Andrew. I would think that… not to say… I mean, obviously the work that MinaLima does is exceptional…

Andrew: It’s amazing.

Micah: … but storytelling needs a little work.

Andrew: Yeah, so I’m just excited to see… hopefully we get some information. I mean, we’re still, what, a little under two years away now from Fantastic Beasts 3

Eric: Sure.

Andrew: … but if all had gone according to plan, we would have been seeing it this November, and I’m sure we would have heard a lot about it by now, but oh well. I’m calling it Fantastic Beasts: More Hogwarts, Y’all until they announce an official title.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Since they said we’re going to be getting more Hogwarts. Okay, we have some Muggle Mail to discuss today as well, but first, this week’s episode of MuggleCast is sponsored by Open Fit.

[Ad break]

Eric: And as a reminder to all of our MuggleCast listeners, we have a listener survey going out in the Interwebs right now, and the important thing about this is that it is the best way for you as our listeners to tell us, well, how you found the show, what you like about the show, what you don’t like about the show, and where you’re from, because… well, spoilers. But we have a lot of good questions. We pored over it. They each tell us just a depth of knowledge we didn’t have before. If you would be so kind, please take the time this week to fill out the MuggleCast listeners survey. We are actually capping responses; we’re going to stop gathering responses on this Friday, February 28, because that will have been at least a month since we’ve had this thing out. So we’ve gotten over 1,000 responses; it’s super helpful, but don’t think for a second that somebody else said exactly what you would say if you took it, because it may be your insight that leads us to the next big gift that we give our patrons, or next big event, live event that we do. I mean, really, there’s several opportunities there in the questions to really lay out your specific opinion or ideas, and we are looking at those. We are ravenous for those ideas.

Andrew: If anyone says they don’t like my singing, though, that will be thrown in the trash. Just a warning.

Eric: Andrew, I’ve reviewed a couple of the responses. I don’t know what to tell you. I’m so sorry.

Andrew: Oh no.

Eric: But then for everybody that said they didn’t like it, other people are clamoring for an album, so you’ve got to…

Andrew: Oh. Wait, did people actually say they don’t like it?

[Grace laughs]

Eric: No, no, no.

Andrew: Oh, okay. All right.

Micah: Well, they will now because you basically asked for it.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: So please take it till this Friday to… or no, do it before this Friday to fill out the MuggleCast listener survey. And the link for that will be in the show notes; it’s already on the website and our social.


Listener Feedback


Micah: All right, time now for some Muggle Mail on Twitter. We actually heard from an old college friend of mine, Brian, and yeah, he actually found the show by himself, not through me, and then followed up with me and asked me if it was actually me on the show.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: Oh, that’s funny.

Micah: This was years ago at this point, years ago. But he says,

“On the topic of Harry becoming an Auror instead of becoming a professor at Hogwarts, he could be/do both. My best professors were the practicing designers or visiting artists who took ‘time off’ from their professional careers to advise on the current trends and practices outside the walls of the university. I had professors who went directly from study to teaching, and those classes were not as beneficial as the educators who learned what worked/didn’t work out in the real world.”

Laura: So true.

Andrew: I love that.

Micah: So I know we talked on the last episode about whether or not Harry should have just gone back to Hogwarts and taught there, specifically Defense Against the Dark Arts, instead of becoming an Auror, because let’s face it, he defeated Voldemort at 17; he doesn’t really need to become an Auror. Any dark forces that he faces in the future pale in comparison to Voldemort.

Andrew: Just won’t live up to the original.

Eric: But that is a big thing in academia, is having professors who worked in the field or are actively working in the field. I know that was a big thing that DePaul was advertising when I was going to DePaul here in Chicago, is that a certain high percentage of their staff members were actively working in the field that they were teaching.

Andrew: That’s great. It’s reassuring. “This person practices what they preach.”

Eric: Yeah, it just promises they have up-to-date info on what it’s really like.

Andrew and Grace: Yeah.

Grace: I actually teach at a community college, and so that’s one of the really cool things about it, is that we all have day jobs and then we also get to teach part-time, so we get to put that practice into the classroom. It’s pretty cool.

Laura: That’s awesome.

Eric: What do you teach?

Grace: I teach public speaking, so communication.

Eric: Oh, cool.

Grace: Yeah, everyone’s least favorite class behind math.

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Andrew: That’s important. No, tell people, “Hey, you want to be a podcaster someday? Take this class.”

Grace: I actually do cover podcasting as forms of modern public speaking.

Andrew: Really? Oh, cool.

Grace: So this is cool; I get to go in and be like, “See? I wasn’t kidding.”

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Well, on a similar note, we also heard from C Bird on Twitter. They say,

“Hey, MuggleCasters. In the latest episode, you ask the question if Harry could even become a teacher since he didn’t graduate, and at this point, I want to reach through my phone and yell, ‘How can you forget Hagrid?!’ He’s a teacher (not a very good one) but left after his third year.”

Yeah, that’s true.

Andrew: Yeah, good point.

Micah: But it was Dumbledore back then who was hiring these lackeys. Who is it now? Is it McGonagall? Is it somebody else?

Laura: Yeah, I feel like McGonagall would probably have more stringent standards. [laughs]

Andrew: Yes.

Eric: It could still be Hagrid; he’d just have to take a couple of those certification courses.

[Grace laughs]

Micah: And he would have to use Open Fit. Maybe if he shed a couple pounds, then he can come in incognito.

[Andrew laughs]

Eric: Oh, right. And shaved his beard? Nobody would recognize him.

Andrew: Oh, yeah.

Micah: But this makes me think of Neville too. We never know whether or not he finished Hogwarts, and he obviously becomes Herbology professor.

Andrew: Right. Yeah, that’s a great point. And this from Abigail:

“Hey, MuggleCast! Big fan here. I’ve been listening to your podcast for a little while now with my sister. I recently became a patron because I wanted to get in on extra content. My sister Hannah has been a patron for several months, and I haven’t told her I became a patron. I think it would be funny if you read this email on the podcast so I can rub it in my sister’s face that I was on MuggleCast first. Wishing you all the best, Abigail.”

[Eric and Grace laugh]

Andrew: So Hannah, your sister’s a patron now. Isn’t that cool? Thank you both.

Eric: [laughs] Wouldn’t it be funny if they met on this morning’s hangout first?

[Andrew and Laura laugh]

Andrew: “You’re here too?!”

Laura: Oh, sisterly shade.

Andrew: Yeah, and thank you, sisters, for getting separate accounts. Other people would share their password, but you two, you pledge separately, so thank you. We appreciate that a lot. Like Micah, for example, always asking me for my Disney+ password, my Netflix password… I’m like, “Dude, pay for it yourself.”

Micah: But somehow you still give it to me, so I don’t know why.

Andrew: Because I love you; that’s why. Okay, so we also have a voice message now from Marie.

[Voicemail plays]

“Hey, MuggleCast. This is Marie. Relatively new listener, but I am obsessed, and I have been listening backwards all the way up to, like, Episode 300. I wanted to share with you a quick theory that I had. I was curious once about what Dumbledore’s boggart might be, so I googled it, and it said that it was the corpse of his sister, Ariana. But I don’t remember that being anywhere in canon; you can correct me if I’m wrong. But my theory is that Dumbledore’s boggart is actually himself. Now, hear me out: He knows that he has a dark past. He knows that he made poor decisions as a young man. He knows that he shouldn’t trust himself with power; I’m pretty sure that he actually said that that’s the reason why he didn’t become Minister of Magic when everyone wanted him to be. He knows that he’s probably partially or fully responsible for the death of his sister, and I’m sure that he realizes all of his flaws. And so that’s my theory, is that when a boggart stands in front of Dumbledore that it becomes himself, and that’s what his greatest fear is. Let me know what you think. Thanks.”

[Voicemail ends]

Andrew: That is super cool for sharing. However, we did look this up and J.K. Rowling did confirm that his boggart is his sister, Ariana, which I love. I did not know that before. This is one of those things that J.K. Rowling just mentioned in passing, in a Bloomsbury webchat back in 2007 or something, so who knows if she still remembers that? Hopefully she does, and this may even come into play in the future Fantastic Beasts films.

Laura: I will say, I think Dumbledore is into himself enough, though, that I could see this being some kind of AU theory about his boggart.

Andrew: AU?

Laura: Yeah, alternate universe.

Andrew: Oh, oh.

Laura: Dumbledore is kind of into himself.

Micah: I really like this theory.

Eric: Yeah, I think he fears himself too, though, so I think it makes sense. He fears what he himself is capable of, especially after Ariana’s death.

Micah: It ties him very closely to Leta. It’s almost the exact same boggart, just in different form.

Andrew: Oh, yeah. Cool. Well, thank you for sharing, Marie. Before we get to Chapter by Chapter, this week’s episode is also sponsored by a product that the Granger family would surely be big fans of: Quip.

[Ad break]


Chapter by Chapter: Seven-Word Summary


Andrew: Okay, it’s time now for Chapter by Chapter, and we are discussing Order of the Phoenix Chapter 18, “Dumbledore’s Army.” What an exciting chapter. And we will start, as always, with our seven-word summary, and Grace, you get to kick it off today. So I’m going to start the music after you contribute the first word, okay?

Grace: All right, so first word: Hogwarts…

[Seven-Word Summary music plays]

Laura: … is…

Andrew: … holding…

Micah: … a…

Eric: … group…

Grace: … Defense…

Laura: … meeting!

Andrew: Yay! With seven seconds to spare.

Micah: Well done.

Grace: Go team.

Andrew: I really like that music.

Micah: I love how we arranged the letters so that they say “LAME” in the middle.

Andrew: This segment is trying to tell us something.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: We pulled through.


Chapter by Chapter: Main Discussion


Andrew: So yeah, as the chapter title suggests, this is the chapter in which we have our first real Dumbledore’s Army meeting. However, this chapter starts off with something I wanted to mention unrelated to the overall discussion. At the beginning they’re discussing Umbridge’s latest infiltration, looking at Harry’s letters, and Harry Accios a bullfrog, and this jumped out to me because I remembered that on her new website last year or a couple years ago, J.K. Rowling said that Newt could not just Accio all his beasts in the first Fantastic Beasts movie because you can only Accio inanimate objects. So little mistake there, and this is why J.K. Rowling needs a team of people to make sure everything she’s saying checks out canon-wise.

Eric: Right.

Grace: I was thinking about it, and so the first time we ever see McGonagall in Transfiguration, she transfigures a table into a pig, which, like, how does that work? So my out was maybe the toads that they use in Flitwick’s classroom are her old socks or something that she’s just turned into toads for them to be able to practice on.

Andrew: Oh, okay.

Grace: So maybe they are inanimate objects at heart. [laughs]

Andrew: Bit of a stretch, but yeah, it can work in the wizarding world.

Micah: It could, yeah. But if you go to Crimes of Grindelwald, Newt does Accio the Niffler at one point during the movie.

Andrew: Right.

Eric: Yeah, except I think the reason that we have been discussing this more recently is because in the first Fantastic Beasts movie, he could have supposedly Accio‘d all of the beasts that fell out of his case.

Andrew: Exactly, and then J.K. Rowling is like, “No, you can’t do that,” and then in the next movie, she’s like, “Accio Niffler!”

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: There have been theories about maybe because the Niffler was so close in proximity, or because the Niffler had gold in its pocket.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: But Newt said, “Niffler,” not “Accio gold.”

Micah: It’s also smaller. It’s a Niffler; it’s not an Erumpent or something that is massive in size. I also like what you said about proximity; I don’t think he could just wave his wand in Central Park, and if the beast is by the Empire State Building, it’s automatically going to just fly over to him.

Andrew: No, not in that traffic.

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: Well, and also, what was he going to say? “Accio all of my beasts”?

Andrew: Right.

Micah: Movie over.

Eric: Well, he’d be able to name them one by one.

Laura: It’s a lot of beasts.

Eric: A lot of them aren’t indigenous to the region, so they’re probably the only one of its kind in the thing. What I go back to is that Harry Accio‘d his broom from his bedroom on the other side of the grounds during the first Triwizard task. There is a distance allotment; you’re allowed to do it from some kind of a distance.

Andrew: Right, right. How far? That is the question. Hasn’t J.K. Rowling said you couldn’t do it over an ocean, too? I vaguely remember something like that.

Micah: Yes. One other thing I just want to mention at the top of the chapter – because we did discuss this when we were talking about “The Hog’s Head” – but the chapter art for “Dumbledore’s Army” is actually pretty comical; not sure if people got a chance to take a look at it, but it is Dobby with a lot of hats and scarves and socks. And pretty significant, though, that he also plays a role in a chapter titled “Dumbledore’s Army.” We can talk more about him later.

Eric: My big question about McGonagall and her classroom… this is something interesting. So what they’re doing to the toad – or the bullfrogs, sorry – is silencing them using Silencio. Something that struck me was in the absence of a proper Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, is it possible that the other teachers are picking up some of the slack? The reason is you see what Silencio does to a bullfrog, but immediately, because I know how this chapter is ending, I’m thinking this would be a great spell for people to learn on other people, because so few people, even as of year seven, can do non-verbal magic. So you need to shout a spell in order to do a spell, and if you have Silencio‘d somebody, odds are they can’t shout the spell in the way that they are required to cast a spell. Wouldn’t Silencio be one of the most effective defensive spells?

Andrew: Yeah. Well, especially amongst the kids; maybe not so much the adults, because it seems at least in Fantastic Beasts, all the adults know a lot of non-verbal magic.

Eric: Oh, that’s a good point.

Andrew: But yeah, amongst the kids? I mean, Harry could shut up Draco, and then Draco would be useless in terms of his offense.

Micah: I do like this connection you’re making, though, Eric, because didn’t we talk in a previous discussion about how Umbridge didn’t like the fact that Snape was teaching the Strengthening Solution?

Eric: Oh, yeah.

Micah: So maybe there is something to the professors doing a little bit of Defense Against the Dark Arts in their own classes.

Eric: That’s fascinating.

Laura: You think they’re meeting up away from Umbridge and being like, “Okay, this is what I’m going to do this week”? They’re coming up with lesson plans to supplement the lacking Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons?

Andrew: That all makes a lot of sense. I like this theory a lot.

Eric: But I don’t think they catch on to it necessarily.

Andrew: Who, the kids?

Eric: Harry, while he’s lesson planning, isn’t exactly like, “Ooh, this would actually be perfect, because Snape is the only person I know that doesn’t need to say a spell to cast it.”

Andrew: So despite the bad news that Umbridge is probably reading Harry’s mail, the Gryffindor Quidditch team does get approval to practice, and Angelina says she went to McGonagall and she thinks that McGonagall went to Dumbledore, and then Umbridge had to give in. So assuming this is true, how did Dumbledore argue this to Umbridge, I wonder? And where are the limits in terms of when Umbridge would give in? Because it doesn’t… I can’t picture Dumbledore going to Umbridge and Umbridge being like, “You know what? You’re right. I’m going to let them practice.”

Laura: I can see Dumbledore arguing this in a manner very similar to how he argued Harry’s innocence over the summer during his trial. Very calmly and then just asking very pointed questions, and then ultimately, when it was clear that Umbridge didn’t have a leg to stand on, being like, “Well, great. Glad to hear that Gryffindor has been reinstated. Have a great day, Dolores.”

Andrew: [imitating Dumbledore] “I look forward to their reinstatement immediately, without delay.”

Laura: Yep.

Andrew: “Thank you, toad.”

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: I think, though, that given Slytherin – we already know that they’ve been given permission to practice – it wouldn’t be that hard for Dumbledore to argue that… I’m guessing it’s the other three Houses at this point, but I think it would be near impossible for her not to reinstate all four House Quidditch teams. Now, whether or not she found a way to remove Harry from Gryffindor is a completely different story, because really, at the end of the day, I think all she cares about is making Harry’s life miserable, and if he wasn’t on the Quidditch team, I think Gryffindor would have already gotten approval not long after she put out that decree.

Andrew: Yeah, that’s a good point.

Grace: Yeah. I know we hear about the Board of Governors really early on in the series; maybe that’s just one of the things that got dropped as we went through because I know Lucius was on the Board of Governors, so I didn’t know maybe if they had a role to play in things like this. Or if there’s powerful Gryffindor people on the Board of Governors, they might have some sway.

Andrew: Yeah, you would think so. The Gryffindor Quidditch team never did anything wrong, so there was no excuse Umbridge could come up with. Her best excuse was “I hate Harry, and Harry did something bad,” but that’s not enough to cancel an entire team.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: So the conversation turns back to Dumbledore’s Army, but Hermione is having second thoughts about it now that Sirius is a big fan of this plan. She thinks that he’s been “reckless” and “living through” the trio since he’s been stuck at Grimmauld Place, so she just doesn’t trust his judgment anymore.

Eric: Ouch, right? That hurts.

Andrew: Yeah. I get it, though. I get it, though.

Laura: She’s kind of right.

Eric: Just what I love about it is that as soon as she starts second guessing, Ron and Harry are at a loss for words. They can’t figure it… they’re like, “You suggested… this was your idea in the first place!” They don’t know where to go with her to convince her that what they’re doing is right.

Andrew: Right.

Eric: But I don’t know. It’s just funny how, I mean, she’s really leading the way here.

Micah: Yeah. I think unlike Ron and Harry, though, Hermione is processing the actual risk of what they’re doing and what the potential consequences are, and she’s only nervous now, and this is with good reason, because Umbridge almost caught Sirius. But there was an inherent risk of getting caught with something like Dumbledore’s Army to start, so she knew this. I just think this is her analytical mind at work, and she’s speaking out loud, and that Ron and Harry, they’re just shocked that she’s now thinking about not doing this. But I actually think it’s smart that she’s considering her options, because look at what almost just happened at the end of the last chapter.

Andrew: And the big question is still where? Where can they do this without getting caught?

Eric: Right.

Andrew: And there are no options that seem to stand out, because Umbridge will be able to get wherever they are. But yeah, the Room of Requirement will solve all of their problems. I was wondering, has anyone ever been guilty of encouraging someone to do something so you could live vicariously through them? I always think of gambling.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: It’s a lot of fun to watch people gamble, because it’s not your money.

[Andrew and Eric laugh]

Andrew: And then once you start playing, you’re like, “Oh, never mind.”

Eric: I have provided that service for others, where I gamble and lose money for their entertainment. Yes, I have done it. Not willingly, but I’ve done that, yeah. [laughs]

Micah: I’m not going to Vegas with you, Andrew.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: This is a red flag right away. You’re going to be on the roulette table.

Andrew: Yep. Let me watch you play.

Micah: You’re just going to want to put the little chips on the board for me and then hope for the best.

Grace: I really like this chapter – actually, this is my favorite chapter of Order of the Phoenix, so I’m really excited we’re talking about it.

Eric: Oh, wow.

Grace: But I love it mostly because of what it does for both Hermione and Harry, but specifically that part of Hermione, and it’ll come up later when we do the connections between the books. But I love that she wants to do what is right, and then it usually catches up to her, “Uh-oh,” but she continues on, and I think that really captures why she’s in Gryffindor. And I do point out later in the chapter, Harry does refrain from being reckless, so she can count that as a win. She got into his brain.

Andrew: [laughs] Yeah, so Harry starts feeling the burn, and not the type of burn that Iowa, New Hampshire, and Nevada have been feeling.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: He realizes that Voldemort is angry, and it says, “Harry had not meant to say that at all… yet he knew at once it was true… Voldemort was in a towering temper,” and then Harry says to Ron, “He wants something done, and it’s not happening fast enough.” Dumbledore, in the last book, had warned Harry that he’ll be able to feel Voldemort’s angry mood, but this was the first time he realized he could feel when Voldemort was in a happy mood, too. And Harry also seems very confident in relaying Voldemort’s feelings for the first time. I mean, just the way that J.K. Rowling writes this, Harry had no doubt in his mind that Voldemort was feeling this way. So Harry is now experiencing the highs and lows of Voldemort’s life and mission, and I’m wondering if there’s other feelings he could be experiencing as well, because when else do you have certain highs? Getting back to gambling, not that I think Voldemort is gambling, or maybe when he’s having some fun with Bellatrix. I wonder if he can feel that too.

Laura: I think if that were the case, we would have seen evidence in Deathly Hallows. [laughs] Just based on Cursed Child and what we know apparently happened during that particular point in the series.

Andrew: Yeah, yeah. Makes you wonder.

Micah: I can’t recall, but wasn’t it strictly a movie-ism that Harry and Voldemort were feeling these emotions when the Horcruxes were being destroyed? Particularly Voldemort?

Eric: Yeah, but they are related. It’s kind of a related incident. In the books, Voldemort has been so distant from his Horcruxes for such a long time that he doesn’t feel when they’ve been destroyed. It’s in fact only after he goes and searches them all up and realizes they’ve been taken that he knows he’s in trouble.

Micah: Right.

Eric: But in the movie, as soon as one is destroyed, he screams.

Micah: Right, well, I mean, for the movie, it obviously makes sense to do that because it gives the person watching a little bit more insight into what’s going on, but… so yeah, I mean, I think maybe he’s just upset he had to practice for those couple of hours in the rain; that piece of him that’s inside of Harry is just pissed off that he’s soaking wet and exhausted.

[Eric laughs]

Micah: But I do think it’s important here to talk about Horcruxes, because this is one of the times in Order of the Phoenix that we could say that perhaps this connection is so strong because part of Voldemort is within Harry and that’s what is allowing them to connect with each other.

Andrew: Yeah. So Harry is sharing this information with Ron, and Ron is like, “Well, it’s time to go to Dumbledore to tell him about what you’re feeling right now.” But Harry shrugs it off, and I find this surprising, because surely Dumbledore would like to know that Voldemort isn’t happy that something’s not happening faster. This seems like very valuable information, especially when Dumbledore has a sense of what Voldemort is after already, or he knows what Voldemort is after already. So what’s going on here? Why is Harry so stubborn about this?

Eric: I think it’s just the treatment that he’s been receiving from Dumbledore, right? He’s like, “I’m not going to do him any favors. He can figure it out.” I mean, if Harry can walk into a pub and all of a sudden four different people are able to report to Dumbledore what he’s doing, Harry probably figures he’s not the only source of information for that Voldemort is frustrated, and he just… I don’t know, he just dissociates himself from being on Dumbledore’s side, which is ironic, given what he’s doing later in this chapter.

Laura: Agreed.

Grace: Yeah, I mean, Harry is conditioned to not trust adults. I mean, we see it from the first book all the way through up to here. But I specifically remember when his scar starts hurting in Goblet of Fire, he literally goes through a list in his mind of who he can talk to, and then also what they’ll say back, and he settles on Sirius instead of Dumbledore. I think that’s very telling about whether or not Harry trusts or doesn’t want to bother Dumbledore with these kinds of things.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: You would think Dumbledore might want to resolve this so that Harry does trust him more…

Eric: You would think.

Andrew: … because the information is valuable.

Eric: Yeah, you really would think, but Dumbledore has not created that environment of “Come and tell me.” Even the idea that he’d be bothering Dumbledore if he were to tell him; that’s on Dumbledore, I think, to a certain extent.

Micah: I agree with Eric.

Grace: Yeah, because I mean, he even tells Sirius later in this book about what’s going on instead of… now, if Sirius relays that to Dumbledore, it’s a different matter altogether.

Andrew and Laura: Yeah.

Micah: This is Dumbledore’s fault. He’s isolated Harry for the entire year thus far, even going back into the summer, and so I can’t blame Harry for not thinking that he can go and trust Dumbledore with this information, but I do think he should have spoken with somebody. Sirius is obviously not an option, but McGonagall could have been, and I think his decision not to tell any adult makes him more vulnerable to manipulation in the future.

Andrew and Eric: Yeah.

Andrew: So in some lighter news, Dobby shows up, and he stops by to deliver Hedwig, who’s now mended thanks to Grubbly-Plank. And Dobby reveals that, as we saw in the chapter art, he’s been taking all the hats and socks that Hermione has been knitting, and it’s super adorable.

[Eric and Grace laugh]

Andrew: And Winky, unfortunately, we learn, has been drinking a lot over all these clothing drops. [laughs] Hermione’s work is causing Winky to drink; it’s just so sad. And just to hear Dobby tell the story is really entertaining as well.

Laura: It’s also interesting because Dobby points out that none of the other elves will clean the Gryffindor common room anymore because they’re offended at the clothes being left, and so it’s interesting because… we’ve talked about this before; Hermione is trying to do the right thing here, but we were questioning, is she going about it the right way?

Andrew: Yeah, and it’s backfiring badly.

Micah: With Hedwig’s arrival, I wanted to go back to something that was really at the very start of the chapter, and that is Hermione saying that she believes Umbridge is responsible for the attack on Hedwig. Now, we don’t know specifics, but if that is the case, let’s add animal cruelty to the list for Umbridge, and we can plus up her suck count at the end of this discussion.

Eric: Oh, thank gosh. I was worried we wouldn’t be able to do that this chapter.

[Andrew and Grace laugh]

Eric: But you’re right. You’re right. What a horrible way to start the chapter. You know Hermione is 100% correct on this, because she lays out… it’s pretty much an open-shut case. This is clearly where she connects the Dungbomb thing. She really is just the top witch of her age.

Grace: Yeah, I don’t know. When I read Order of the Phoenix I always do end up wondering what happened to Winky, and so I went and looked it up and saw that apparently, according to JKR, that she did participate in the Battle of Hogwarts, and that she got off the sauce, I think is how J.K. Rowling put it.

[Andrew laughs]

Grace: But I find that really interesting. I wish we had seen more of Winky later on, because she kind of gets dropped off after this book.

Andrew: And of course, I don’t think makes any appearance at all in the movies, which was a bit of a bummer.

Micah: No, and I think that was a miss, particularly with Barty Crouch, Jr. in Goblet of Fire. And then of course, we didn’t get, I don’t think, any house-elves, with the exception of Kreacher in Order of the Phoenix. I think it’s actually Neville, right, who tips off Harry about the Room of Requirement in the movie?

Andrew: Oh, yeah. But yeah, so speaking of the Room of Requirement, so Dobby is just absolutely in love with Harry. “Anything for Harry Potter. Whatever I can do to help, I’m there for you, buddy.”

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: And so Harry asks him for a place for Dumbledore’s Army to meet and Dobby immediately thinks of the Room of Requirement, or the Come and Go Room, and I think we’ve referenced that alternate title from time to time on the show. And Dobby says that he uses this room for Winky when Winky has drunk too much, [laughs] and so they go in there and they find a little elf bed, which is just so cute to visualize, and butterbeer antidotes. They actually have places like this in Vegas – I’m bringing up gambling a lot this episode – but Vegas has hangover doctor offices where you can go and they’ll shoot you up with, I don’t know, water and some vitamins to help you recover from your hangover. I have an annual pass to one of those places…

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Andrew: But anyway, that just made me think of that. These are real things.

Eric: Yeah. I mean, reading about the “antidote” to butterbeer… like, wow, I didn’t realize butterbeer needed… I mean, I don’t know that it’s a specific… it might just be a betterment potion or a hydration potion, or treating the causes of drunkenness rather than being a specific anti-butterbeer.

Micah: Yeah, I didn’t know you could get wasted off of butterbeer.

Andrew: Yeah, that’s what I was going to say. I didn’t think it was so strong.

Eric: Well, normally you can’t, but because Winky is smaller, it affects her more.

Andrew: Ahh. Okay, that makes sense.

Laura: Yeah, I think Harry brought this up – was it in Goblet of Fire? – and Dobby says, “‘Tis strong for a house-elf.”

[Eric and Laura laugh]

Grace: Yeah. I love that the Dumbledore chamberpots line from Goblet of Fire really was so important in this book; I think that’s a really funny connection to Goblet of Fire. Also, I still wonder why was Dumbledore wandering around the castle at 5:00 a.m. and didn’t know where a bathroom was?

[Andrew laughs]

Grace: But it worked out here.

Eric: Well, one thing at a time here. We’re trying to figure a lot out.

[Everyone laughs]

Micah: Yeah, you would think he has his own bathroom.

Grace: Right [laughs]

Eric: Exactly. Well, but that’s what makes it a little bit more obviously a clue for Harry, and seeing Harry internalize this when Dobby is telling him about the room, he’s like, “Oh, man, now I remember Dumbledore saying something about a room with chamberpots,” and so it’s almost that revelation that he has, that Dumbledore has said about this room in close proximity, kind of with a code, right? Codedly convinces Harry that this is the way beyond all other ways to go.

Grace: And it convinces Hermione, which is even more important.

Eric: Yeah, yeah.

Grace: This is a good, safe place.

Andrew: “Oh, Dumbledore’s idea? I’m in.”

Grace: Right.

[Grace and Micah laugh]

Eric: Yeah, so even though Dumbledore is not speaking to Harry, Harry is not speaking to Dumbledore, there has managed to be this transmission of information between the two of them, which is really cool.

Micah: And I think it’s important that it’s laid out in this chapter that the Room of Requirement is a room for all, right? They talk about Dumbledore. They talk about Filch, right? I think. Isn’t it Fred and George who mentioned Filch? And there’s a couple of other references. Not only that, the complete contrast in what this room is used for in Order of the Phoenix versus what it’s used for in Half-Blood Prince and the fact that it’s a room right now which is for the formation of Dumbledore’s Army to fight back, yet in Half-Blood Prince, it is a way for Death Eaters to infiltrate the school. So completely different ends of the spectrum.

Laura: Yeah, and I mean, it’s even more disturbing when you consider the fact that Draco Malfoy takes his cues on how to organize that based on how Dumbledore’s Army communicates with each other later on in this book.

Micah: Yep.

Andrew: Right. One wonders if this room survives the post-Harry Potter 7 world, because it does seem like a security nightmare!

[“It’s starting to sound like a security nightmare!” sound effect plays with sirens]

[Eric and Grace laugh]

Andrew: But really, for anyone to be able to use this? That’s a problem. Especially to break into the school.

Grace: Yeah, we don’t ever find out, do we, after Book 7, whether the Fiendfyre destroyed that room completely? Or if they managed to get it back up and running.

Eric: Oh, man.

Andrew: I would guess they get it back up and running, because that room basically purges itself. So Dumbledore’s Army unites in the Room of Requirement; everybody gets in. The room has a lot of books and other magical objects to help them in their training, right, Eric?

Eric: Yeah, it’s got some really cool… I mean, I wonder where all these books came from physically, but this seems to have pretty much everything you’d ever need. I just get giddy reading this segment of the chapter. A room that can be absolutely anything ever that you want? And the books are clearly real books; it’s not like the room is manifesting books that didn’t previously exist, but it’s pulling relevant source material. It really speaks to a sentience of Hogwarts. And I just had to laugh, because Hermione, before they get the group together, is seen reading a book called Jinxes for the Jinxed, and if you’ll recall, she earlier in this book had a huge argument with Umbridge over jinxes and counter-jinxes, and so I’m wondering if the reason she waltzed over to this particular book and started reading it, while there was still disorder and people were still arriving, was to see if she could prove her point or just pick up another book on jinxes. It’s a very clever, in my mind, very small throwback to a couple chapters ago.

Andrew: Yeah. And I was just looking it up, and we don’t know for sure if the Room of Requirement survived Book 7. Ron does wonder if it’s still there, but we don’t get an answer for sure. Time to tweet J.K. Rowling.

[Eric laughs]

Grace: Yeah, because I mean, I would assume, maybe like the Chamber of Secrets, that’s a place that was built by the founders, so I don’t know what kind of magic would go into building that space.

Andrew: Yeah. Well, and I just feel like, because it’s able to transform into so many things, it should be able to survive something like what occurs in Deathly Hallows. But when they’re trying to come up with a name for Dumbledore’s Army, the group tosses around a bunch of different names, and Eric thought that we could rate these alternative names. I think that’s a fun idea. Angelina Johnson said “The Anti-Umbridge League.” I feel like that’s pushing your luck.

[Eric and Grace laugh]

Eric: A little on the nose?

Andrew: Yeah, and she’s going to get extra mad if she hears about it.

Micah: You need the acronym to go along with it as well. You need that DA, right? TAUL doesn’t work.

Laura: I mean, they could be the AUL.

Eric: AUL? The awl?

Andrew: Awl. We’re awl going to bring down Voldemort. Fred Weasley said “The Ministry of Magic Are Morons Group.”

[Micah laughs]

Eric: Or MMAMG.

Laura: I have to give him points for the alliteration that’s going on here.

Andrew: Okay. But also would deeply anger Umbridge, so best that they did not pick that one. Cho Chang said “The Defense Association,” which is just so boring. That sounds like an office.

[Eric and Micah laugh]

Grace: Well, it’s definitely less Gryffindor than the first two.

[Andrew and Grace laugh]

Eric: It does speak for itself, though, kind of.

Grace: That’s true.

Micah: It is very Ravenclaw.

Grace: Yeah, practical.

Andrew: When I think of other names it could have been, I think of Harry Potter trivia names, like “The Group Who Shall Not Be Named.”

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: That’s a good point. But it is, of course, Ginny Weasley who comes up with, “Uh, we’ll keep your DA idea, Cho, but let’s call it ‘Dumbledore’s Army.'”

Grace: Harry’s girlfriend’s got brains.

Eric: So I think we’re in agreement that the names get better as they go along. They properly narrow it down.

Andrew: Defense Association wasn’t, in my opinion.

[Grace laughs]

Eric: But do you think that that’s the second best of the proposed? Or would you rather have Ministry of Magic Are Morons Group or Anti-Umbridge League over Defense Association? If it can’t be Dumbledore’s Army.

Andrew: If there were no consequences to calling it the Anti-Umbridge League, I would definitely call it the Anti-Umbridge League.

Eric: Okay, all right.

Grace: Yeah, I really enjoy the first part of this with Hermione sticking to the rules, like “We’ve got to vote on a name; we’ve got to vote on a leader.” I think that that’s one of my favorite little Hermione pieces in this chapter.

Andrew: Yeah. And it is a great idea, because there are some members of this group who have shown signs of defection or rebellion, and by voting for the leader, there’s going to be no doubt about that, about who’s in charge.

Laura: Yeah, it is kind of a funny moment where Hermione keeps putting her hand in the air, and Harry is getting a taste of what it’s like to be Umbridge in this case.

[Eric and Grace laugh]

Laura: Like, “Okay, yes, what do you need now?”

Grace: And I think that’s such a cool little… I wrote in the doc #JusticeForProfessorHarry, but I love that little moment of Harry knowing what it feels like to be a Hogwarts professor that has Hermione in their classroom.

[Eric laughs]

Andrew: And that’s why he didn’t need to come back to be a teacher, because he already was a teacher at Hogwarts.

[Eric and Grace laugh]

Micah: There you go. Yeah, I thought this was great. And as you would expect, students, they don’t like the fact that they have to start with the basics, but in going through this exercise, you see that not everyone is as good at the basics as you would be led to believe, and it’s really important that they start here and they go with Expelliarmus. I thought the moment between Harry and Neville – despite the fact that it’s because Harry is distracted by Cho that Neville is able to disarm him…

[Eric laughs]

Micah: … but still for the confidence boost that it gives Neville, it’s so important. And I think Harry really shines through, even in this first lesson, as being a really good teacher.

Eric: Yeah, yeah. And nobody likes Zacharias Smith. I bet Zacharias Smith’s own mother doesn’t even like him.

[Grace laughs]

Eric: But Fred and George jinxing him is not allowed, and Harry gives them an eye. I take back what I said about… that was very mean about saying his mother didn’t even like him.

Grace: Probably true.

Andrew: I’m with you. I don’t like his name.

Eric: [laughs] The Fred and George taking turns jinxing him and Harry just giving them an eye, and Fred being like, “Sorry, Harry, couldn’t help it,” is a very teacherly thing to do. Harry allows it. He doesn’t out them and say, “This is what was happening,” but he puts a stop to it. They understand. And Fred and George, who are older than Harry, respect him enough to knock it off then.

Grace: Yeah, I think this is one of my favorite chapters in this book because it’s one of the few times where we get to see Harry be really happy and feel like he’s got control of something. I mean, he starts off this lesson super nervous, and then by the end he feels really comfortable, and I think that’s a really cool thing to see in his character growth.

Eric: It’s kind of… you know how in the movie when Harry and Cho are under the mistletoe – I know that we’re not there yet in this part in the book – but how it just magically appears over them right away? So too in the book, Harry is trying to get some order, and he thinks, “I should have a whistle,” and he looks over on a chair, and all of a sudden there’s a whistle there, which I think is pretty much the same way. I completely envision a whistle not having been there a second before when the room first came up, but as soon as he thinks it, because he’s the one who called the room into existence, that it’ll show up that same way, which just speaks to how cool the room is.

Andrew: Yeah. And final point I’ll make on it is even though these spells are basic, and yeah, we’re getting started with simple spells because not everybody is that great at them, they’re also just building a team here. They’re getting to know each other. So I think it’s great to start at this level so they don’t have to dive in knee-deep first; they just get their toes wet.

Micah: Right. And unity is important. Obviously, we’re leaving Slytherin out of the equation here – sorry, Grace…

[Eric and Grace laugh]

Micah: … but it’s the way J.K. Rowling wrote the story. But I think it’s so important that we’re seeing all three of these Houses come together to fight for a common cause, and this is the very foundation of that.

Andrew: No House points to deal with either. This is a cool example…

Micah: Could Harry…? You made me think of that, though, earlier. Could Harry give out House points during this lesson?

Grace: Interesting.

Andrew: I don’t think he should. I brought that up because I think the beauty of Dumbledore’s Army is that they’re not against each other; they’re all in this together, so don’t throw House points in the mix because it’s just going to start dividing people up again.

Laura: Yeah, this is also… I mean, it’s a really nice parallel to the Order of the Phoenix. I mean, they are effectively mirroring what the adults are doing outside of the castle, so this is real world experience for them that’s not being hampered by these house rules that will have no practical application once they leave school.

Eric: I feel like Umbridge would want to know the source of any and all points given to Houses too.

Laura: True.

Andrew: Oh, yeah.

[Micah laughs]

Eric: So I mean, Harry can’t because he’s not a prefect, but if he did a House thing, it’d be like, “Wow. Weirdly, Ravenclaw is up 17 between 5:00 p.m. when classes ended yesterday and 10:00 a.m. this morning,” [laughs] so it’d be a dead giveaway what they were doing.

Micah: True.

Andrew: All right, and I think that’s the chapter.

Eric: Wow! Kind of a quick discussion.

Andrew: Streamlined. Yeah, it was a simpler chapter, I would say.

Eric: It’s just one of the best ones, where everything’s going according to… Harry is able to learn and grow and have a good time. It’s a feel-good chapter.

Grace: Yeah, it’s a small chapter, but it has mighty implications for the series, which is neat to me.

Laura: Definitely does.

Eric: Well put. Well put.

Laura: Speaking of, we still have the Umbridge Suck count ahead, as well as some connecting the threads to discuss, but before that, we need to talk about a different kind of thread.

[Eric laughs]

Laura: We’re going to hear from one of our sponsors, Third Love.

[Ad break]

Andrew: All right, so the Umbridge Suck count, I believe, only grows by one today because of potentially attacking Hedwig.

Eric: Right.

Laura: Ugh, I feel like animal abuse deserves extra points.

Andrew: Oooh. How many points?

Laura: Okay, can we say two? Because she attacked Hedwig, but also Grubbly-Plank had to take important time away from her lesson planning to heal Hedwig.

Andrew: Right. Yeah.

Eric: There you go.

Andrew: Sure.

Laura: Yeah, screw Umbridge.

Andrew: Okay.

Micah: And she’s probably going to dock Grubbly-Plank because she didn’t have time to prepare for her lesson, so you could add another one on for that.

Eric: Right.

Andrew: Oh, but that’s just guessing now.

Micah: Here, if we want to extrapolate it all the way out, who knows what this damage could have done to Hedwig, so that in Deathly Hallows, if she could have flown better, maybe she would have avoided…

Andrew and Eric: Ohhh.

Grace: See? Yes.

Laura: Oh my God.

Eric: So you’re saying if she’s flying with a limp?

Micah: I’m saying Umbridge is directly responsible for Hedwig’s death in Deathly Hallows.

Andrew: Oh my goodness. All right. Well, yeah, I can add an extra point for that. Definitely.

[“Hem-hem!” Umbridge Suck count sound effect plays]

Andrew: All right, so that brings it up to 35.

[Everyone laughs]


Connecting the Threads


Laura: All right, well, we’ve got several threads to connect today. What I love about this chapter is, like we said, the discussion about it can be pretty streamlined, but there’s a lot of little things going on here that are pretty cool callbacks to Prisoner of Azkaban. So we can start with Quidditch. We are introduced to the Impervius Charm in Chapter 9 of Prisoner of Azkaban, when Hermione charms Harry’s glasses so that he can actually see while he’s flying in a blinding rainstorm when they play against Hufflepuff, and here, when the Gryffindor Quidditch team is practicing, they all use the same charm so that the rain doesn’t get in their faces and block them while they’re trying to practice, because Angelina says they’re probably going to play against Slytherin in pretty similar conditions. So I thought that was a nice little callback. Then there’s this really cool thing about Sirius in Hogwarts. So in Chapter 9 of Prisoner of Azkaban, we learn that Sirius has successfully escaped Hogwarts and evaded any kind of capture. This is after he breaks into the Gryffindor boys’ dormitory and Ron believes that Sirius is trying to stab him; really he’s trying to kill Peter Pettigrew, but everybody’s flummoxed by the fact that Sirius was able to get in undetected and get out without being captured. And here we see the trio sort of uncertain about how much Umbridge knows about how close she came to capturing Sirius, so it’s a really nice contrast here, where Sirius gets away and is pretty certainly safe in Prisoner of Azkaban, but in this book, we’re feeling a little bit unsettled thinking Umbridge may know more than what we’re hoping. Also, it’s really interesting looking back at Prisoner of Azkaban; in Chapter 21, Dumbledore tells two 13-year-olds, “Yeah, use this Time-Turner.”

[Eric laughs]

Laura: “Go back in time, save Sirius, save Buckbeak.” So Dumbledore is really giving Harry and Hermione his stamp of approval to act in his stead. And then in Chapter 18 of Order of the Phoenix, the students actively take Dumbledore’s name on when they decide that they’re going to fight the power, so I thought that was a pretty good one. Then also looking at Hermione taking matters into her own hands: In Prisoner of Azkaban throughout the book, she devotes a significant amount of time to helping Hagrid prep for Buckbeak’s trial, actively trying to undermine the Ministry, effectively, and in Order of the Phoenix Chapter 18, we see the birth of a movement that Hermione originally inspired, again, looking to undermine the Ministry. And then, Eric, I know you’ll like this one.

Eric: Ooh!

Laura: [laughs] Third year Harry is way more prepared for Defense Against the Dark Arts than his peers two years later. This is evidenced by the fact that at the end of Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry produces a fully-formed Patronus to save himself, Sirius, and Hermione from a horde of Dementors. Meanwhile, fifth year and older students in Dumbledore’s Army can barely produce Expelliarmus.

Eric: Yep.

Laura: And that just goes to show how woefully underprepared these students are.

Micah: Yeah, that’s fair.

Laura: And then, Micah, I think you had a couple of threads to connect.

Micah: Yeah, I did. The first one is actually with the Marauder’s Map. Chapter 18 of Prisoner of Azkaban is entitled “Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs,” and in Chapter 18 of Order of the Phoenix, the Marauder’s Map plays a significant role in the safety of the Dumbledore’s Army students.

Laura: Love it.

Micah: And then Hermione in Chapter 18 of Prisoner of Azkaban – this is when they’re inside the Shrieking Shack – she has this insistence that there aren’t unregistered Animagi, and she reiterates this point during the conversation with Lupin and Sirius and others, and she still believes that the Ministry holds the absolute truth about everything. And I wanted to… I just thought that that’s a far cry from Chapter 18 of Order of the Phoenix, where she believes the Ministry is full of [censored].

[Eric and Grace laugh]

Andrew: Yeah, that’s great.

Laura: Yeah. It’s so funny, too, because we still see evidence in this book of Hermione wanting to discount rumors. Luna says something a little bit earlier in the book about Cornelius Fudge having an army of Heliopaths, and Hermione is like, “Oh goodness, that’s just nonsense. Those aren’t real.”

[Micah laughs]

Laura: So definitely… I mean, we know that Hermione could have ended up being Sorted into Ravenclaw, and I think that this chapter evidences that. We see Hermione’s overwhelming tendencies, very Gryffindor-esque tendencies of doing what’s right and fighting the injustice that’s happening in the Ministry, but then also, sometimes she’s kind of roped in by her intellect a bit. I think sometimes her tendency to follow rules can hinder her a little bit.


MVP of the Week


Andrew: All right, great stuff. And now it’s time for our MVP of the Week.

[MVP of the Week music plays]

Andrew: Oh boy, look out. Here it comes. Get ready for the beat drop.

[Micah laughs]

Laura: It’s about to drop.

Andrew: All right, so I’m going to give mine to Dobby for being friend to the ill, specifically Hedwig and Winky.

Laura: Aww.

Eric: I’m giving mine to Hogwarts for having just the thing to help our students practice.

Andrew: [laughs] Eric is so animated now with the music.

[Laura laughs]

Eric: The music really wakes me up.

Grace: As a person who works in marketing, I have to give mine to Ginny for creating a very lucrative brand with the name Dumbledore’s Army.

Laura: Yep. I’m going to have to give mine to Harry for teaching his signature life-saving move.

Eric: Nice.

[Andrew laughs]

Laura: Time and time again, disarming is what saves him.

Micah: And I’ll give mine to Neville for finally being able to cast Expelliarmus and getting that huge boost of confidence that he truly needed.


Rename the Chapter


Andrew: All right, and now it is time for us to rename the chapter. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 18…

[“Hooked on a Feeling” plays]

[Micah laughs]

Andrew: Okay, so obviously Voldemort is not in love with Harry, but I just thought, like, “feeling”?

[Eric laughs]

Micah: I was going to say, is this the end of the chapter where Harry is just totally all about Cho?

Andrew: Oh, no. I was going for the Harry/Voldemort connection.

Micah: Oh, okay.

Eric: Yeah, makes sense. I went with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 18, “The Tower of Hats.”

[Grace and Micah laugh]

Eric: Seems like it would be…

Grace: Goes with the art for the chapter.

Andrew and Eric: Yeah.

Grace: I had two choices, one obvious, which is “The Room of Requirement,” or the one that I relate more to: “Teaching at Hogwarts: Fake It Till You Make It.”

[Everyone laughs]

Laura: I went with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 18, “Defense Against the Dull Arts.”

Micah: I see what you did there.

Eric: Nice.

Laura: Yep.

Micah: And finally, I went with Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix Chapter 18, “House-Elf Hangovers.”

Andrew: If you have any feedback about today’s discussion, email it on in to MuggleCast@gmail.com, or you can record a voice memo on your phone and send it to the same address. Just try to record in a quiet place and keep your message to no longer than 60 seconds.


Quizzitch


Andrew: Okay, it’s time now for Quizzitch, and as I understand it, we have some music now for this as well.

Eric: That is right.

[Quizzitch music plays]

Andrew: Whoa!

Eric: Right? Last week’s Quizzitch question: What spell does Gryffindor use to help them practice at Quidditch? The answer, of course, is the Impervius Charm. Congratulations to everyone who submitted the correct answer, including Ryan Nolan, Jim Bob Who, Pravi Singh, Julian S., Rich T. Chicken, Marie Lipocky, The Cat’s Pajamas, Real Slim Brady, Jason King, Michael Not Eric, Hannah E., and Robbie S. And next week’s Quizzitch question: What does Hermione use to bewitch the golden coins for Dumbledore’s Army members? Please submit your correct answer to us on Twitter over at @MuggleCast, hashtag Quizzitch. Thanks for playing.

Andrew: And be sure to also follow us on Facebook and Instagram; we are also MuggleCast there. You will stay abreast of the latest Harry Potter and Fantastic Beasts news. Hopefully we’ll be getting some Fantastic Beasts news soon as well. But Grace, thanks for coming on the show today. It was great having you on.

Grace: Thanks. This has been 12-year-old me’s dream.

[Everyone laughs]

Andrew: Awesome, and hopefully current Grace’s dream as well.

Grace: Oh, yeah, for sure.

[Everyone laughs]

Eric: “Well, that was boring, but at least I played off my 12-year-old self’s wildest fantasies.”

Andrew: Sometimes people are like, “Oh yeah, I used to listen to the show,” and I’m like, “Used to? We’re still doing it!”

Grace: Oh, yeah. 15 years, almost.

Andrew: Yeah, yeah, 15 years this August. Thank you to everybody who supports us on Patreon. If you aren’t a patron yet, we would love if you’d consider doing so. By pledging at the $5 level or higher, you will be eligible for our physical gift, which we should be announcing in the next month or two; we’re just finalizing the details there. It’s going to be really good. Even though you won’t be getting our physical gift right away, you will have access to lots of bonus material, including bonus MuggleCast. You’ll be able to hop into our livestream so you can hear us recording and unintentionally revealing the physical gift. [laughs] That’s the beauty of the livestream; it’s just this unfiltered look at the show. And then, of course, if you pledge at the Slug Club level, you will have the opportunity to co-host MuggleCast one day, just like Grace did today. So thank you to everybody who supports us; we truly could not do this without you, so we really appreciate your support. And even if you don’t support us on Patreon, you are a listener, obviously. Make sure you are subscribed to the show. Sometimes people hear this word “subscribe” and they think it means you have to pay. You can subscribe for free through your favorite podcasting app, so make sure you do that, and you will stay up to date on the latest episodes of MuggleCast. And also follow us on social media; we are MuggleCast on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. All right, I think that’s it. Thanks, everybody, for listening. I’m Andrew.

Eric: I’m Eric.

Micah: I’m Micah.

Laura: I’m Laura.

Grace: And I’m Grace.

Andrew: Bye, everybody.

Laura: See ya.

Grace and Micah: Bye.